Irene set a platter of cookies on the table. "Would you like some more coffee, Pastor?"

"No, thank you, Irene." He studied her for a few seconds, then picked up his Bible and quoted a scripture. He looked hard at her. "As a wife, you have certain Godly duties. Many women today do not like the word submission. They tend to feel they are being put down. But God clearly shows us that woman was made for man and man is head of the woman and head of his household. Do you understand?"

Irene glanced at Alexander, who was emphatically nodding his head with every word the pastor spoke. She was seething inside.

"Yes, I understand," she answered, "but God also commanded the husband to love his wife as Jesus so loved the church. And I do not think God said that a man has the right to verbally and physically abuse his wife."

"That's true, Irene, but we all have our human frailties. I'm sure if you fulfilled your duties as a wife, then Alexander would not be frustrated as a husband."

"I don't believe you have the whole picture, Pastor. I did everything humanly possible to please my husband. I didn't deserve what he did to me. He had no right." Her voice was firm. "And he had no right to abuse my daughters."

"Yes, Irene, but you are missing the whole point. Alexander is trying to mold you into the godly image of the Lord. When you resist him, you just make his job harder. And you set yourself up to face some dire consequences on Judgment Day. Your husband has told me over and over that he has forgiven you for all of your sins."

Irene turned to Alexander. "More lies, Alexander?" Her voice was icy. "You can say whatever you like, but you will never convince me that you were ever doing the things you did for God. The God I know and love would never condone what you've done. You should feel proud of yourself."

"Irene, this is getting us nowhere. As your Pastor, I have to listen to both sides objectively. But all I am getting from your side is pent-up hostility toward your husband."

"I'm sorry, Pastor," Alexander choked. "I really love my wife, but now you see what I am up against."

Irene saw the tears in his eyes and knew it was just an act. She looked at Pastor Walker, and from the look on his face, it was evident he'd bought into it. "Pastor, I don't think you can help us. The only hope is if and when Alexander decides to tell the truth. Until he does, no one can help us."

"But, Irene, look at him. He is your husband. He is obviously suffering in a deep emotional pain."

"What about me, Pastor? What about my kids? Who cared about our suffering? I know you saw fresh bruises on my body Sunday after Sunday. You looked the other way. And my arm--when you asked about it, Alexander told you another lie." Her eyes grew angry. "Did he tell you how he kept twisting it even though I pleaded with him to stop? Did he tell you how he kept twisting it until he broke it, then refused me medical help until my daughter threatened to call the police?"

Alexander sat on the sofa with his hands covering his face. "It's all lies, Pastor Walker, all lies. She needs help!" he moaned.

"Irene, I can recommend a very good psychiatrist for you. There is no shame. The shame is not getting the help you obviously need." His voice was fatherly.

"Pastor, don't patronize me. You can talk to my daughters, or the neighbors."

"I've spoken to Stephan and he said you're always mistreating him and his father."

Irene laughed. "What did you expect him to say? Alexander buys him off!" She threw her hands up in exasperation.

"See what I mean?" Alexander said. "Once her anger starts, my boy and I will be in for a terrible night."

"Give me a break, Alexander. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep." She looked at Pastor Walker. "I'm seeing a counselor on my own. Alexander refused to go with me, so I'm doing it for myself. I'm doing what I know God wants me to do for my daughters and myself. I don't think we have anything further to discuss. I'll see you next Sunday in church." She walked out of the room.

Jerry Feldon intently listened to Irene's rendition of the previous evening. "I think you did the best thing, Irene."

"I could've told him all the people he could contact who would tell him about Alexander's abusive behavior, but I saw no point. He was as hard as nails."

"You seem to be handling it well."

"It's not easy. I'm furious to think that Alexander would try to get me into bed one night and the next spread more lies about me. But I know my anger isn't the answer. It will only destroy me if I let it."

"That's right. You seem to have it under control." He was thoughtful for a moment, and then asked, "How are the girls?"

"They're more relaxed since I told them I'm working on a way to financially be able to afford to make it on our own."

"Good. I think you're headed in the right direction. Maybe someday Alexander will realize his need for professional help."

"I don't hate him, Dr. Feldon."

Irene's remark seemed to take the doctor by surprise, but it was important for her to let him know she wasn't a vicious person.

"I know that, Irene." He smiled warmly. "But sometimes we have to learn to let go of things . . . or people who will only harm us."

She nodded.

"I gave you an assignment. Did you have a chance to work on it?"

"Yes." She removed the papers from her purse and handed them to him. "I think I really got in touch with my emotions over the weekend."

He took the papers and briefly skimmed the neatly typewritten pages. "Would you mind if I read this aloud?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He put on his reading glasses, and then began to read slowly.



Depression, which can be caused by many forms of abuse such as verbal, emotional, mental, or physical, is, in my opinion, one of the most debilitating diseases we humans have in our society. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and leaves in its path destruction and emptiness. It has no promise, no hope, only failure and despair. It doesn't happen overnight, but creeps out of the day--like a friend embracing you and only after you are fully enveloped in its warmth do you begin to feel the cold, clammy claws of darkness. It breathes all of your hopes, dreams, and ambitions into its own ugliness, and then leaves you crumbled and alone. No one can reach in and undo the damage. You have to begin the silent battle back into the sunlight. But you wonder if the battle is worth it, for the blackness has convinced you that it is not. You see it in the faces of those you once trusted. The pain squeezes around your heart until you feel you will suffocate from its tight grasp. You retreat into the recesses of your mind where no one can touch you. You long to be like a baby in its mother's womb, protected and safe, but pressures of everyday life invade your security. In the distance you can see the evil smirk of depression. You want to run, but there is nowhere to go. Your once safe retreat inside yourself has now also deceived you. You cannot escape. There is no hope. There is only the cold evil pit of darkness waiting to engulf you.



Jerry Feldon removed his glasses, and then stared intently at Irene for a few seconds. "That's very overwhelming," he said. "You poured all of your emotions into this piece."

She nodded slowly.

"Do you still feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness?"

"No. Now that I've finally made the decision to leave Alexander, I feel elated, like the chains have been thrown off me." She smiled brightly. "I feel freer than ever."

"Good." He glanced at the papers in his hand, and then turned his attention to her once again. "Do you write? This doesn't sound like an amateur piece to me." He saw Irene's eyes brighten.

"I love writing. I always have, but no one has ever taken me seriously."

"How about Alexander?"

Her eyes clouded. "He thinks it's a joke. He destroyed some of my work and accused me of wasting money on paper and postage."

"You have a right to your dream, Irene."

"I truly believe that someday it will be more than just a dream." Her voice was animated. "It's all I ever wanted to do." She lowered her eyes. "But almost everyone I've ever known thinks it's a joke."

"What matters, Irene, is that it's your dream. And from what I've read here, you have a definite gift with words."

"Thank you, Dr. Feldon." She grinned.

"Now I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you can tell me as much or as little as you like. Due to time restrictions, we will further evaluate your answers in future sessions."

"Okay, but why not do it step by step?" she asked.

"I feel that your answers today will allow me to review your answers at my leisure. Trust me. I know what I'm doing." He laughed.

Irene smiled. "Okay, I'll do my best."

"Would you mind if I use a tape recorder? It'll be quicker than my trying to write your answers down."

"Sure," she replied.

He flicked on the recorder. "Do you blame any outside interference for the problems with your husband?"

"Yes. Alexander's mother constantly belittled my daughters and me. I tried to deal with it, but it's hard to be blamed for things you never did. I tried to be accepted by her, but she would never allow any closeness between us."

"Did Alexander ever suppress your needs?"

"Yes, he could be very selfish at times. He took all of our wedding gift money and spent it on a club membership for himself. He drained my savings and kept his own. He wasn't just selfish with money, but also with his attention and time. I felt ignored so many times. And my point of view on any topic was unwanted and disregarded. The only point of view that he would consider was his own or his mother's."

"Did he have trouble adjusting to you and your daughters after your marriage?"

"He sure did. He'd tell me that he was the only one who could put the groceries away because I wouldn't do it right. And he would criticize my cooking by saying things like, 'My mother cooks it this way and I will only eat it the way she cooks it'. I always felt as though his mother was lurking in the shadows."

"Did he ever try to shrug off his problems by blaming you for causing them?"

"Yes, he always said I needed help. He said he was the only one who knew my needs. His answer to any problem was that I needed help." She sighed. "He thought anything I needed was foolish."

"Did you ever reach a point where you felt it just wasn't worth the battle trying to communicate with him?"

"Yes. I began to isolate myself from him. He totally dominated me. He wouldn't listen to me when I asked him to speak to his mother about her poor treatment of me. I didn't want him to cut off his relationship with her; I wanted to be accepted and not lied about. But Alexander always defended his mother and blamed me for her ill treatment. He said I was an unforgiving person. It really hurt me that his mother could say whatever she wanted to about me and I wasn't even allowed to defend myself. He accused me of hating his mother, which I don't. It seemed like his mother was his wife. I was never the proper priority in his life."

"How were things after you and your daughters were settled in with him and his son for a while?"

"He spent most of his free time at sporting events. When he was home, he'd spend hours on the phone with his mother and some young woman who was going through a bad marriage. She was a long time friend of his family, and I found out later by his mother's own admission that she was trying to set him up with this woman. I told Alexander he was ignoring me, that I needed him, but he accused me of being selfish and trying to control his life."

"Did he begin to give you more time to blend as a family?"

She sighed tiredly. "No. I saw less and less of him. I'd look forward to each weekend, hoping to have some time with him, but he never wanted to be alone with me unless it was for sex. I was so lonely. Lonelier than I had ever been in my life. I was so far down on his list of priorities. I came after his personal fun, his mother, his son, his family, his job, and his church obligations. By the time he got to me, there was nothing more he could give me. He was used up. And it hurt." Her eyes brimmed with tears.

"Let's take a short break, Irene," Jerry Feldon said as he clicked off the recorder. "I'll get you a cup of coffee, then we'll continue."