Irene held the steaming cup in her hands. She suddenly felt exhausted. She hadn't prepared herself for how emotionally draining this would be, going through the recesses of her mind and dredging up all of her painful memories.

Jerry Feldon saw the pain in her eyes. "Do you want to save the rest for another session?" he asked softly.

Irene took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. "No, I'd rather get through this today."

"Okay." He clicked the tape recorder back on. "What things besides physical and verbal would your husband do to you?"

"He would destroy gifts I gave him or he would say I didn't deserve a card or gift for Valentine's Day, but he would give one to his son and his mother. If I told him I was hurt, he'd accuse me of being selfish."

"Did Alexander complain about your appearance or the way you raised the children?"

She laughed. "According to Alexander, he had no faults. He always made fun of the way I looked. He constantly complained about my weight even though I'm far from overweight. I could've told him he was putting on weight, which he was, but I wasn't raised to deliberately hurt someone just to get even. He spread rumors that I was an unfit mother. And one time he borrowed money from his mother to get a lawyer so he could get the girls and me out of the apartment. We separated for a while, and then he said he was sorry and we got back together, but things have been getting progressively worse. His brother tried to have him committed at one time until his mother intervened."

"Why did his brother want him committed?"

"For his violent behavior. But his mother said I was the one who brought out the violence in him, so his brother rescinded."

"What type of reputation does his brother have?"

"I found out that several years ago he was institutionalized because of drug abuse. He never holds a steady job; he moves around a lot, owing bills and writing bad checks."

"Did Alexander allow you to have anything separate from him, such as a hobby?"

"No, he made fun of anything I wanted to do. When he was home, I was supposed to devote myself entirely to him. I told you how he felt about my writing aspirations."

"Did you ever try to get him to sit down and discuss your problems like two rational adults?"

"All the time." She sighed. "He'd ignore me. Then he would go to his family or co-workers and blame me for all of our problems. I had to get his permission for anything I wanted to do, but he could do as he pleased when he pleased. Sometimes he acted like he wanted to do something special, so I'd plan on it and be excited, then he would pull the rug out from under me and say he had other plans. He was always making a fool out of me."

"What is your definition of love, Irene?"

She was thoughtful for a moment. "To me love does not hurt; it rejoices with truth. Love means wanting to take care of someone who is special to you, wanting to make that person happy."

"Would his moods change suddenly from calm to explosive?"

"Gradually it came to this. We'd sit at the dinner table or watch TV, and he would suddenly accuse me of thinking bad things about him or planning some evil deed against him. I couldn't seem to convince him that it was all in his mind."

"Do you believe that your husband spreads lies about you to make himself look good?"

"Yes. He's told me on more than one occasion that he had to defend me to someone. I told him he shouldn't have to defend me because I haven't done anything wrong." She took a sip of her coffee. "I think he really wanted me to believe that I was this terrible person so I would only lean on him. He wanted me to believe I was unworthy of anyone's love."

"Irene, tell me one specific event that convinced you Alexander didn't care about your needs." He studied her facial expression and was surprised that she had an answer so quickly.

"That's easy. My mother's funeral. He refused to comfort me and said I didn't deserve any sympathy." Her eyes filled with tears. "He accused me of caring more about my mother than him. I couldn't believe it!" A tear fell from her eye. "How could he be so self-centered? He refused to allow me to mourn my mother!"

Jerry Feldon handed her a tissue. "Would you like to stop?" His voice was compassionate.

"No," she sniffed, "I need to get through this."

"Has Alexander ever committed adultery?"

"Not that I know of. But he spends a lot of time with an ex- girlfriend. He says they're just friends, but he's never allowed me to meet her."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know. I used to get jealous, but after a while, I just didn't care anymore. I got used to him comforting and showing compassion for everyone else while I had to beg for just one kind word."

"Does Alexander ever show any remorse for what he does to you?"

"No, he denies doing anything. He calls them accidents because of my supposed clumsiness. It's the same thing when he has a problem. If I try to give him advice, he tells me I'm stupid and don't know anything. Then he'll go to others for advice. He never thinks my opinion is good enough. Then he'll bring up the submission thing. One time we were on a vacation and he made me ride in the back seat for six hours because I couldn't read the road map. He said his son could read the map, so he told him to ride up front. Well, it turned out that his son had never read a road map. I told him I was his wife and he shouldn't humiliate me in front of the children by making me ride in the back seat, but he said that was where I belonged." Irene stood up and walked over to the window. "I wish he'd really see what he's done to me. It's easier for me to take the abuse and keep the hurt and pain inside, because he always yells at me and calls me a troublemaker if I say anything to him. His mother told Stephan that she would do everything in her power to destroy me." She let her breath out slowly.

Jerry Feldon stared intently at her. "Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"I really feel the need to get this out of my system. I've held it in too long."

"Just let me know when you want to stop," he said softly.

She nodded. "Do you remember how it is when you first get to know someone and you share confidences?" She looked at the doctor.

"Yes," he answered.

She lowered her eyes. "Well, everything I ever told him he told his mother. I couldn't believe it. It felt like he ripped my heart out. He has no respect for me. I feel my relationship with him is hopeless. I've gotten to the point where I don't even care to talk to him anymore. What's the point? He's always right and I'm always wrong. And he misinterprets everything I say, or my tone of voice. Then he says he knows what I'm thinking. He just doesn't want anyone to think anything good about me." She walked back to her chair and sat down. "The more I focus on his manipulation, the more I see what he's done to me. It's like I was blind and now my eyes are finally open." She finished her coffee. "He always justifies his actions and motives. Marriage really means nothing to him. I don't even think he knows what love is. I can't stand his lies anymore."

Jerry Feldon watched her as she unburdened her soul. She poured out all of her hurt and anger as each incident entered her mind. He decided to let her continue. She needed this cleansing. He knew by the way her face would contort that it was painful for her. But in the end this was the only way she would begin her healing process in order to become whole again.

Her jaw was tight. "He had no right to hurt me or my girls. One time he left us with no money, food, or transportation. My support check was late and I was so scared. I felt like such a failure. I wanted my girls to have better than that. I met him in the church the girls and I had been attending." She shook her head. "I dated him for two years. And now I realize that I never knew him at all." She smiled ruefully. "I used to be so happy and full of life, but now I feel twice my age."

"What was your wedding like, Irene?"

She laughed. "You wouldn't believe it. I never got to plan one part of it. Alexander and his mother made all of the arrangements. I tried to tell him what I would like, and as the bride I should have a say in my own wedding. But he got angry." She quickly blinked her eyes. "He beat me so severely that I had to wear a different dress so no one would see my bruises."

Jerry Feldon sighed heavily. He tried to imagine how anyone could be put through so much abuse and still come out mentally unscathed.

"My mother didn't attend my wedding."

"Why?"

"I didn't find out until some time later that Alexander's mother had insulted her and said some belittling things about me. My mother thought that under the circumstances it would be better if she stayed away. She didn't want a confrontation with Alexander's mother."

"How would you describe your mother-in-law?"

"Cold. She has ice water in her veins."

The doctor saw the pain in her eyes and from the way Irene had spoken, he didn't take her statement as being vengeful. The look in her eyes showed him the pain her mother-in-law had caused her. "What you're saying is that no matter what she said, that was the final decision?"

"Yes, her word was the final authority. Like I said, it's like she is his wife, not me. He has his priorities screwed up. I don't believe he can be committed to anyone because he's always seeking to please his mother and fulfill her desires. He can't seem to break the bond. She's always been in the middle of our marriage bed."

"Do you see much of her?"

"No. I couldn't stand her mistreatment, so I stopped visiting her. I told Alexander that I didn't care how much he visits her, but I refuse to go to her house and be totally ignored. She talks about me in front of my face while my husband just stands there and says nothing. Then when we would get home he would accuse me of being rude to her."

"Does she visit your home?" he asked.

"Not when I'm there. She told Alexander that she would never come to his home if I or the girls were there." She ran her hand through her hair. "I'm sick and tired of rejection and being hurt over and over."

"Do you ever feel like you want to get even with Alexander and his family for all of the pain they have inflicted upon you?" He eyed her closely.

"No, I don't want revenge. I have forgiven Alexander and his family."

"Are you very religious, Irene?"

"I'm a Christian and I receive comfort from reading my Bible and studying scripture."

He noticed the light in her eyes. "I'm a Christian, too, Irene, and that's why my job can be difficult at times.

"I know I'll get past all the pain from this relationship. But, realistically, I know I won't heal overnight and when I do leave Alexander, there will be many obstacles I'll have to face. But I've always been a survivor. I'll weather this storm, too." She smiled.

"Do you feel used, Irene?"

She was silent for a moment, and then answered, "Yes, I think I've always felt used by Alexander. I know I was wrong for taking the abuse from him, his son, and his family. It's been like living in the Twilight Zone."

"Before we close this session for today, Irene, sum up for me what you're feeling right at this moment."

She took a deep breath, and then slowly let it out. "Well, I'm probably at the lowest point in my life emotionally, but at the highest spiritually. It only takes one person to strip away your foundation, but I know the Lord is holding me up now. He is my rock; He is my strength; He is my hope. I can accomplish all of my goals as long as I let Him guide me."

"You spend a lot of time alone, don't you?"

"Yes, but I've finally made a friend in the apartment building I live in. Alexander didn't allow me to have any friends before." She smiled brightly. "The future used to loom ahead, scary and frightening, and I used to feel so tired and sapped of any energy. But now I have hope."

Jerry Feldon turned off the tape recorder. "We've covered a lot of ground today, Irene." He smiled warmly at her. "How do you feel reliving all of these emotions?"

"Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

"Good." He stood up. "I'll see you next week, then. But remember, call if you need anything."

"Thank you, Dr. Feldon."