I apologize that this chapter is only half as long as usual
"A Short Discussion about `The Universe'"
by Neil Reynolds
Chapter 6: Laughter Is What Happens When You're Busy Making Other Plans
Akane stomped home "Grrr. That Kuno!"
Kyakuzumi pipes up, "That's the delusional Samurai, right?"
"Yes."
"Wanna play a prank on him?"
"Sounds like fun."
"All we need is some powdered red die, and for you to say something really
corny without laughing."
"Let's do it."
* * *
Cologne begins her next lecture, "You see, most of philosophy, psychology, the
natural sciences and magical study has been implicitly based on the the idea
that humans are the reason for the way the universe is arranged the way it
is. In order to support this, we believe we were created by some higher
purpose by a higher power. This, of course, undermines the basic idea that
humans are the reason for the universe's existence, since if we were created
by a higher power, wouldn't the universe be designed for their benefit?
"At its basic level the arguments go like this. Humans have to eat in order to
live, so isn't it wonderful we were given the ability to be hungry, to drive
us to do that which is needed? The underlying assumption is that we can fathom
the intentions of the Creator, and despite all evidence to the contrary, it
only cares about our well-being.
"I should probably point out at this point that I feel it is necessary to
distinguish between the Creator, and an all-powerful god. While it seems
logical that any being capable of starting existence is powerful to remain the
Controller, I regard it as folly to assume that it is the case. While the
Creator and the Controller might very well be identical, it clouds the issue
to group them under the same title.
"While humans have made great strides in rooting out the assumptions of their
superiority; assumptions like the earth is the center of the universe. While
we have come far, the assumptions still color both the directions of
discovery, and some of the principles we take for granted. In magic, more than
any other study (except possibly philosophy) is this idea erroneously
entrenched.
"We've talked before about how magical efficiency is affected by beliefs and
underlying assumptions. For this reason, all magic that humans are able to do
is inherently humanocentric. Almost all magic that humans can study proves
that humans are the dominant reason for existence. However this argument is
refuted by the existence of wild magic.
"For a long time, it was believed that this magic was also humanocentric, but
the method for discovering how to use it hadn't been found yet. This was very
similar to the situation in western science for the two hundred years after
Isaac Newton. Like wild magic, 'Black Body Radiation' was a mystery,
unexplained by Newtonian physics. It was assumed it would eventually be
explained through Newtonian physics, until Plank, Bohr, Heisenberg, and
eventually Einstein proved that the only explanation had to lay outside of the
current physics.
"Likewise it was proven in the 1600s that wild magic could not be explained or
duplicated by humans, no matter how much we learn. There may be parts of wild
magic that has been misclassified, something we consider wild magic might
actually eventually be understood, but it has been proven that there are parts
of wild magic that could never be understood. And this distinction, applies
both to the nature of Kami, which range from humanistic, to inconceivable, and
to the magics of other beings, which have different limits and understanding."
* * *
Kuno steps before Akane and Kyakuzumi as she walks Akane to class. "So like
the sun does the fiery Akane grace us with her presence. Her arrival heralds
the dawn of our hearts just as the sun heralds a new day."
Kyakuzumi asks Akane, "Does he always talk like this?"
"I'm afraid so."
Kuno announces "My poetry is without peer!"
Kyakuzumi answers "Hardly. That stuff's so easy. Anyone can do it! Words flow
like vomit from the Blue Thunder/ which after hearing, I need to chunder."
Kuno begins to get mad, as Kyakuzumi continues, "Poetry's a rose, worn on
one's sleeve/ But after Kuno's, I have to heave." Kyakuzumi begins to dance
mockingly towards Kuno, "A fool produces doggerel verse/ But Kuno's poetry is
always worse." Kyakuzumi ends with "A wise man fears a fool's Elan/ Such a
fool is Tate-chan!" Kyakuzumi tilted her head, and asked Kuno "Didn't we meet
in Monte Carlo on the night you blew your brains out? How we laughed."
Finally Kuno gets fully enraged, and to scare the child away shouts "Enough!"
and swipes towards her with his bokken, never coming near her of course, and
not using the chi in his swing that'd injure her from a distance, as everyone
has seen him use against Ranma.
Kyakuzumi released a small spurt of water, which dissolved the powdered die
beneath her clothes. Clutching at the reddening spot, she cried out
"Murdered." and fell to the ground, at which point she released her body, and
the water soaked into the ground, staining it and her empty clothes crimson.
Kuno ran up to try to comprehend what happened, when Akane shouted. "The
child-god Kyakuzumi, brutally slain by Tatewaki Kuno. Surely all the ranks of
heaven are now arranged against him." and then she formally clapped twice.
At which point, Kuno left school screaming.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Kyakuzumi looks at Akane and asks "Were we too hard on
Kuno, or should I wait for his next bath to rise up out of the furo, and tell
him 'One such as you is too corrupt to kill a kami.' and sink back down?"
Akane laughs. "Let's see how he deals with this so far. You're good at this
sort of thing."
"Let me tell you about what I pulled on the two old men at home."
"Yes please, tell me!"
* * *
Soun looks at Genma. "We've been playing Go against each other for an awfully
long time."
Genma answers "One of the joys of life!"
"And after all this time, our playing styles are pretty rigid. We have a good
idea how the other person thinks."
"Inevitable, really."
"The point I'm trying to make, well... In order to enliven our game, we've
both taken to creatively use distraction. Not that either of us would ever do
something as base and dishonorable as cheat!"
"Of course not!"
"But we've been doing it for so long, that our creativity has developed a
style."
"What are you getting at?"
"At first I thought that yours had suddenly changed. But it makes no sense!
Half the time it's to my advantage, and sometimes it's just a pointless
change. You're too good at this to start screwing up so badly, so
pointlessly."
"What are you saying?"
"I think there's some one else cheating here."
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "Oh, I just put a tiny enchantment on ten of their go
stones. Whenever they're resting on wood, and no one's looking at them, they
have a small chance to switch colors."
* * *
"We're being haunted by Dai'aoi! The ghost of the Go master that Happosai gave
a wedgie to in 1972!"
"Hurry, we must ward the house using ofuda and boxer shorts!"
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "And then I treated one of the panda's bandannas. Once it gets
wet, he'll have a nice crop of moss and mushrooms. It should look like a
bright green afro."
* * *
Soun tells Genma "Old friend. I don't know how to tell you this, but... You've
become a chia pet."
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "But the crowning touch was the dried kelp I put into Soun's
cigarettes. Burning it, and breathing in the smoke has some interesting
medical effects."
* * *
Genma shouts back "Never mind that! When did you grow breasts?"
* * *
Cologne was passing by her room, and glanced at her shelf of
talismans. Eggshell-thin curves of a shattered glass globe sat among the
various devices. Cologne hurried over to run some tests.
After a few other results, she rushed to the phone, and called Nabiki. "We've
got an emergency. Incoming spiritual entity, tracking Ranma and his
fiancees. We've got a chance this time, to prepare before everything goes
crazy. Gather up everyone at your end, I'll bring Shampoo and Mousse, and pick
up Ukyou on the way.
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, President, What can I do for you?"
"I need help with my impeachment proceedings."
"I see."
"You see, my popularity figures were too low, so I decided to have a lewd and
lascivious affair in order to boost my reputation with the common man."
"And what help did you want from me?"
"Know any good female interns?"
* * *
Ranma manages to get Kasumi alone in the kitchen in order to talk. "You know,
Kasumi, Earlier today... When Ran'neko was playing with Kyakuzumi.. I mean,
before we did that thing in the bathroom that gave her a real body... Back
when only Ran'neko could tell she was there..."
"Yes Ranma?"
"Well, Ran'neko was really happy. I couldn't tell why exactly. I couldn't
sense her myself. But Ran'neko was really happy. Not like he'd found a friend
he'd lost. He had no idea who Kyakuzumi was until they were introduced
later. He was just perfectly content to play with her whoever she was.
"Are you worried that Ran'neko might make friends of evil people? I don't
think you have to worry about that."
"No, that's not it at all. We've got an informal arrangement going on. We both
sense different things from different people, and while we can't talk about
it, we can let the other know how we feel about things. If Kyakuzumi had been
evil and Ran'neko couldn't see it, I'd tell him, and he'd at least be
cautious, even if he couldn't understand why. Thanks to Nabiki, we can see
what the other is going through, at least with the normal senses, so we're
twice as hard to fool now."
"That's reassuring. What's the problem then?"
"I can't remember ever having felt that way in my life. I try to dismiss it as
unimportant, but I keep thinking about it, and feeling sadder and sadder.
"What about when you used to play with Ucchan when you were young?"
"That's about the closest I could come up with. I can barely remember that
time directly. But not even then. There were all these rules about acting
manly, and fear of embarrassment if I did the wrong thing, and not really sure
that I knew what the wrong things were, and need to always win, and not
understanding why my life was so different from other kids. Some of the best
times in my life happened then, but it was nothing to the joy Ran'neko had,
playing with a complete stranger."
At this point tears started to fall from Kasumi's eyes, jarring Ranma from his
reverie. "Please! Don't cry Kasumi. It's not that important! I just thought
you could tell me why this is bugging me so much."
Akane walks in, and sees Kasumi's tears. "What have you done to my sister!"
She screams, and lashes out at Ranma.
Ranma, being confused, and believing it must have been his fault that Kasumi
was crying, doesn't even make a token resistance to Akane's attack, and lets
himself be booted out of the uncertain situation.
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, President Tashikaha, What can I do
for you?"
"I'm no longer a president. I no longer hold any titles at all."
"You've given them all up?"
"Yes. I realized that by holding the deed to my own house, I privately own all
of the lands of my country, and all of the furnishings therein. Therefor I've
abolished the government and formed a plutocracy."
"So you're still the ruler?"
"Yes, but my power is no longer invested by divine right, for the good of the
people, or by the will of the people. I'm the leader because dogs haven't any
money. All of the filthy lucre is mine, all mine."
"I see, and why'd you call?"
"It's about the bank, you see. My home's mortgaged."
"Yes, of course"
"How do I transfer that to the world bank, so I can safely default on it?"
* * *
"We have a problem." Cologne announced, "Something's coming. It's a creature
of the undead, and it's using magic to track down Ranma and his fiancees."
Nabiki asked "How do you know?"
"I put low-grade scry detections on everyone, as an early warning
system. Nothing fancy or complex, but sufficient to detect anything attempting
to spy or track us, as long as the caster wasn't too skilled. When I detected
the trace, I cast some further spells and divinations, and the results aren't
good. There's an extremely powerful undead creature tracking you."
"Why?"
"No idea. Worse, it knows we know it's coming, and it either doesn't care, or
it can't change it's plans."
Ranma asks "Do we have to take precautions to fight it, or can we just beat it
up like a normal foe?"
"I'm not sure. It has a physical body, it's not just a spirit. But whether
it's vulnerable to physical attack or not, I don't know."
* * *
Ranma thinks to himself "I guess if even talking about it hurt Kasumi, I can't
bring it up again. Besides, who else could really care? I can't talk about
this with any of the girls. Ukyou would be upset because I wasn't happy enough
with her, and the others would be pissed that I was ever happy with Ukyou in
the first place. None of the guys would even try to understand, and all Nabiki
did was get angry I didn't run to her with news that there was a spirit
floatin' around."
Ran'neko could sense Ranma's confusion and pain, of course, but it's cause was
beyond Ran'neko's understanding. Even if Ranma could put his problems into
words, Ran'neko couldn't have understood them. Ran'neko vaguely understood
that Ranma's pain was in some way caused by its playing with Kyakuzumi
earlier, and when Ran'neko tried to suggest that it wouldn't do it if it hurt
Ranma so badly, Ran'neko was surprised at the vehemence of Ranma's
objections. Ranma clearly wanted Ran'neko to do it again. Ran'neko concluded
that the whole thing was far beyond it's understandings. Ran'neko had to
attribute Ranma's behavior to something only humans could understand.
"Why am I suddenly missing not having something I never even thought about?"
* * *
Nabiki asked "Do we even know if it's purpose is good or evil?"
"We can only conjecture. It's still coming even though it knows we're ready
for it. And undead strongly tend to be opposed to the affairs of the
living. So either it comes in peace, It believes it's overwhelmingly powerful,
or it has no choice, being controlled by a higher power, or being mindless, or
desperate."
"Could this be related to the arrival of Kyakuzumi? The higher power that sent
her?"
Kyakuzumi answers "Almost definitely not. It might be a new player noticing
the number of unusual things going on in the vicinity, my arrival being the
most recent one. But if it had to do with me, why track Ranma and those bound
to him? Why not just send another spirit directly to me?"
Nabiki adds "If it were tracking Ranma and me, I could believe it was due to
Kyakuzumi and Ran'neko. If it were tracking just Jhusenkyou victims, that
would make sense too. Why Ranma and the fiancees?"
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, Tashikaha, What can I do for you?"
"I lost the stranglehold on my plutocracy when Wuffles gained possession of the
living-room."
"How in the world did that happen."
"My wealth led me to a dissolute life style. I lost it in drink and gambling?"
"You gambled with Wuffles?"
"It's a sad and tawdry story, involving an electric razor, Wuffles,
and a rigged game of strip poker."
"I see, and why'd you call?"
"No reason. I just needed someone to pity and gloat over my tragic downfall."
* * *
"It's getting close."
"So how do we respond when it arrives?"
"We don't know why it's coming. We need information we wont get until it's
here. Ranma is the primary target, so Ranma goes on defense to protect from
possible attack, and to buy us time to figure out whats going on. Shampoo,
Ukyou, and Akane stand by Ranma both to be defended and to provide additional
defense."
Cologne continues, "Avoid attacking if at all possible. Remember, if this
creature can be defeated easily, that'd mean that there's a more powerful
figure out there, so we need information. If it can't be defeated easily, we
need time to find it's weakness."
"Unless this is a mindless drone, treat it politely, and with respect. It's
purpose might not be to attack, and being polite will buy us some more time."
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, Tashikaha, What can I do for you?"
"I heard the voices again! I was wrong to think they came from my
dishwasher. That was an absurd idea. I`m surprised nobody bothered to
point this out!"
"Well I didn't want to question your faith"
"But a divine dishwasher? That's crazy! No, it was the Sangreal being
washed inside!"
"Sangreal?"
The holy grail that our savior used during the last supper. I got it
by eating all the strawberry jam that came in it. It was cunningly
disguised from unbelievers as a jar of `Happy Harry`s All-Natural
Strawberry Preserves` at Oshika-san`s all-night `Quik`n Go` bodega."
"What a lucky find."
"I have recreated the knights of the wobbly kitchen table in order to
seek out the lance of Longinus. Well, that, and to keep an eye out for
castle Anthrax. No one`s going to slander me with the epithet `Sir
Tashikaha the Chaste!` If any woman plans to chase me, they'll catch
me quickly."
"Should we be watching for a bad knight out on the town?"
"You shouldn't suggest such things, I'm a soldier for the lord of
peace. That means I only intentionally slaughter infidels, heretics,
and foot soldiers for the enemy's side.
"Why'd you call today?"
"The holy grail insists that it be dried using damascan muslin, isn't
that the name of another religion?"
"You're thinking of Muslim, muslin's a type of cloth."
"That explains why the Imam was so abusive. You'd think no one ever
rubbed a jam jar on him before."
* * *
There is a knock at the door. Before anyone can offer advice, Kasumi goes to
answer it, with Cologne, Nabiki, and Kyakuzumi watching closely.
The door opens to reveal a short European Caucasian with long incisors,
dressed in formal evening-wear, and wearing a star-shaped badge suspended by a
long red ribbon around his neck like a necklace. He speaks with an
eastern-european accent, "Good Evening. I have come to see Ranma Saotome, and
his fiancees. You may call me 'the count.'"
Kasumi says "Wont you please come in."
Upon entering the living room, the vampire spots Ranma and the three fiancees,
and without approaching them too closely, says "Ranma Saotome, I presume. It
has taken me a long time to find you. I am especially glad to finally be able
to see all of your fiancees."
Before anyone could say or do something that might start a violent conflict,
Cologne asks "May I ask why you have come here?"
"It is because Ranma Saotome has three fiancees." He points at Shampoo "One
fiancee!" Thunder rolls. He points at Ukyou, "Two fiancees!" He points at
Akane, "Three Fiancees!" He starts to laugh "Ah ahh ahh ahh ahhh! Three
fiancees! I love to count! Nice meeting you. Bye."
And with that, the count turned from the stunned assemblage and walked out
into the night.
Authors Note:
Dai'aoi was a badly translated reference/pun on the chess computer "Big Blue"
"A Short Discussion about `The Universe'"
by Neil Reynolds
Chapter 6: Laughter Is What Happens When You're Busy Making Other Plans
Akane stomped home "Grrr. That Kuno!"
Kyakuzumi pipes up, "That's the delusional Samurai, right?"
"Yes."
"Wanna play a prank on him?"
"Sounds like fun."
"All we need is some powdered red die, and for you to say something really
corny without laughing."
"Let's do it."
* * *
Cologne begins her next lecture, "You see, most of philosophy, psychology, the
natural sciences and magical study has been implicitly based on the the idea
that humans are the reason for the way the universe is arranged the way it
is. In order to support this, we believe we were created by some higher
purpose by a higher power. This, of course, undermines the basic idea that
humans are the reason for the universe's existence, since if we were created
by a higher power, wouldn't the universe be designed for their benefit?
"At its basic level the arguments go like this. Humans have to eat in order to
live, so isn't it wonderful we were given the ability to be hungry, to drive
us to do that which is needed? The underlying assumption is that we can fathom
the intentions of the Creator, and despite all evidence to the contrary, it
only cares about our well-being.
"I should probably point out at this point that I feel it is necessary to
distinguish between the Creator, and an all-powerful god. While it seems
logical that any being capable of starting existence is powerful to remain the
Controller, I regard it as folly to assume that it is the case. While the
Creator and the Controller might very well be identical, it clouds the issue
to group them under the same title.
"While humans have made great strides in rooting out the assumptions of their
superiority; assumptions like the earth is the center of the universe. While
we have come far, the assumptions still color both the directions of
discovery, and some of the principles we take for granted. In magic, more than
any other study (except possibly philosophy) is this idea erroneously
entrenched.
"We've talked before about how magical efficiency is affected by beliefs and
underlying assumptions. For this reason, all magic that humans are able to do
is inherently humanocentric. Almost all magic that humans can study proves
that humans are the dominant reason for existence. However this argument is
refuted by the existence of wild magic.
"For a long time, it was believed that this magic was also humanocentric, but
the method for discovering how to use it hadn't been found yet. This was very
similar to the situation in western science for the two hundred years after
Isaac Newton. Like wild magic, 'Black Body Radiation' was a mystery,
unexplained by Newtonian physics. It was assumed it would eventually be
explained through Newtonian physics, until Plank, Bohr, Heisenberg, and
eventually Einstein proved that the only explanation had to lay outside of the
current physics.
"Likewise it was proven in the 1600s that wild magic could not be explained or
duplicated by humans, no matter how much we learn. There may be parts of wild
magic that has been misclassified, something we consider wild magic might
actually eventually be understood, but it has been proven that there are parts
of wild magic that could never be understood. And this distinction, applies
both to the nature of Kami, which range from humanistic, to inconceivable, and
to the magics of other beings, which have different limits and understanding."
* * *
Kuno steps before Akane and Kyakuzumi as she walks Akane to class. "So like
the sun does the fiery Akane grace us with her presence. Her arrival heralds
the dawn of our hearts just as the sun heralds a new day."
Kyakuzumi asks Akane, "Does he always talk like this?"
"I'm afraid so."
Kuno announces "My poetry is without peer!"
Kyakuzumi answers "Hardly. That stuff's so easy. Anyone can do it! Words flow
like vomit from the Blue Thunder/ which after hearing, I need to chunder."
Kuno begins to get mad, as Kyakuzumi continues, "Poetry's a rose, worn on
one's sleeve/ But after Kuno's, I have to heave." Kyakuzumi begins to dance
mockingly towards Kuno, "A fool produces doggerel verse/ But Kuno's poetry is
always worse." Kyakuzumi ends with "A wise man fears a fool's Elan/ Such a
fool is Tate-chan!" Kyakuzumi tilted her head, and asked Kuno "Didn't we meet
in Monte Carlo on the night you blew your brains out? How we laughed."
Finally Kuno gets fully enraged, and to scare the child away shouts "Enough!"
and swipes towards her with his bokken, never coming near her of course, and
not using the chi in his swing that'd injure her from a distance, as everyone
has seen him use against Ranma.
Kyakuzumi released a small spurt of water, which dissolved the powdered die
beneath her clothes. Clutching at the reddening spot, she cried out
"Murdered." and fell to the ground, at which point she released her body, and
the water soaked into the ground, staining it and her empty clothes crimson.
Kuno ran up to try to comprehend what happened, when Akane shouted. "The
child-god Kyakuzumi, brutally slain by Tatewaki Kuno. Surely all the ranks of
heaven are now arranged against him." and then she formally clapped twice.
At which point, Kuno left school screaming.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Kyakuzumi looks at Akane and asks "Were we too hard on
Kuno, or should I wait for his next bath to rise up out of the furo, and tell
him 'One such as you is too corrupt to kill a kami.' and sink back down?"
Akane laughs. "Let's see how he deals with this so far. You're good at this
sort of thing."
"Let me tell you about what I pulled on the two old men at home."
"Yes please, tell me!"
* * *
Soun looks at Genma. "We've been playing Go against each other for an awfully
long time."
Genma answers "One of the joys of life!"
"And after all this time, our playing styles are pretty rigid. We have a good
idea how the other person thinks."
"Inevitable, really."
"The point I'm trying to make, well... In order to enliven our game, we've
both taken to creatively use distraction. Not that either of us would ever do
something as base and dishonorable as cheat!"
"Of course not!"
"But we've been doing it for so long, that our creativity has developed a
style."
"What are you getting at?"
"At first I thought that yours had suddenly changed. But it makes no sense!
Half the time it's to my advantage, and sometimes it's just a pointless
change. You're too good at this to start screwing up so badly, so
pointlessly."
"What are you saying?"
"I think there's some one else cheating here."
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "Oh, I just put a tiny enchantment on ten of their go
stones. Whenever they're resting on wood, and no one's looking at them, they
have a small chance to switch colors."
* * *
"We're being haunted by Dai'aoi! The ghost of the Go master that Happosai gave
a wedgie to in 1972!"
"Hurry, we must ward the house using ofuda and boxer shorts!"
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "And then I treated one of the panda's bandannas. Once it gets
wet, he'll have a nice crop of moss and mushrooms. It should look like a
bright green afro."
* * *
Soun tells Genma "Old friend. I don't know how to tell you this, but... You've
become a chia pet."
* * *
Kyakuzumi said "But the crowning touch was the dried kelp I put into Soun's
cigarettes. Burning it, and breathing in the smoke has some interesting
medical effects."
* * *
Genma shouts back "Never mind that! When did you grow breasts?"
* * *
Cologne was passing by her room, and glanced at her shelf of
talismans. Eggshell-thin curves of a shattered glass globe sat among the
various devices. Cologne hurried over to run some tests.
After a few other results, she rushed to the phone, and called Nabiki. "We've
got an emergency. Incoming spiritual entity, tracking Ranma and his
fiancees. We've got a chance this time, to prepare before everything goes
crazy. Gather up everyone at your end, I'll bring Shampoo and Mousse, and pick
up Ukyou on the way.
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, President, What can I do for you?"
"I need help with my impeachment proceedings."
"I see."
"You see, my popularity figures were too low, so I decided to have a lewd and
lascivious affair in order to boost my reputation with the common man."
"And what help did you want from me?"
"Know any good female interns?"
* * *
Ranma manages to get Kasumi alone in the kitchen in order to talk. "You know,
Kasumi, Earlier today... When Ran'neko was playing with Kyakuzumi.. I mean,
before we did that thing in the bathroom that gave her a real body... Back
when only Ran'neko could tell she was there..."
"Yes Ranma?"
"Well, Ran'neko was really happy. I couldn't tell why exactly. I couldn't
sense her myself. But Ran'neko was really happy. Not like he'd found a friend
he'd lost. He had no idea who Kyakuzumi was until they were introduced
later. He was just perfectly content to play with her whoever she was.
"Are you worried that Ran'neko might make friends of evil people? I don't
think you have to worry about that."
"No, that's not it at all. We've got an informal arrangement going on. We both
sense different things from different people, and while we can't talk about
it, we can let the other know how we feel about things. If Kyakuzumi had been
evil and Ran'neko couldn't see it, I'd tell him, and he'd at least be
cautious, even if he couldn't understand why. Thanks to Nabiki, we can see
what the other is going through, at least with the normal senses, so we're
twice as hard to fool now."
"That's reassuring. What's the problem then?"
"I can't remember ever having felt that way in my life. I try to dismiss it as
unimportant, but I keep thinking about it, and feeling sadder and sadder.
"What about when you used to play with Ucchan when you were young?"
"That's about the closest I could come up with. I can barely remember that
time directly. But not even then. There were all these rules about acting
manly, and fear of embarrassment if I did the wrong thing, and not really sure
that I knew what the wrong things were, and need to always win, and not
understanding why my life was so different from other kids. Some of the best
times in my life happened then, but it was nothing to the joy Ran'neko had,
playing with a complete stranger."
At this point tears started to fall from Kasumi's eyes, jarring Ranma from his
reverie. "Please! Don't cry Kasumi. It's not that important! I just thought
you could tell me why this is bugging me so much."
Akane walks in, and sees Kasumi's tears. "What have you done to my sister!"
She screams, and lashes out at Ranma.
Ranma, being confused, and believing it must have been his fault that Kasumi
was crying, doesn't even make a token resistance to Akane's attack, and lets
himself be booted out of the uncertain situation.
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, President Tashikaha, What can I do
for you?"
"I'm no longer a president. I no longer hold any titles at all."
"You've given them all up?"
"Yes. I realized that by holding the deed to my own house, I privately own all
of the lands of my country, and all of the furnishings therein. Therefor I've
abolished the government and formed a plutocracy."
"So you're still the ruler?"
"Yes, but my power is no longer invested by divine right, for the good of the
people, or by the will of the people. I'm the leader because dogs haven't any
money. All of the filthy lucre is mine, all mine."
"I see, and why'd you call?"
"It's about the bank, you see. My home's mortgaged."
"Yes, of course"
"How do I transfer that to the world bank, so I can safely default on it?"
* * *
"We have a problem." Cologne announced, "Something's coming. It's a creature
of the undead, and it's using magic to track down Ranma and his fiancees."
Nabiki asked "How do you know?"
"I put low-grade scry detections on everyone, as an early warning
system. Nothing fancy or complex, but sufficient to detect anything attempting
to spy or track us, as long as the caster wasn't too skilled. When I detected
the trace, I cast some further spells and divinations, and the results aren't
good. There's an extremely powerful undead creature tracking you."
"Why?"
"No idea. Worse, it knows we know it's coming, and it either doesn't care, or
it can't change it's plans."
Ranma asks "Do we have to take precautions to fight it, or can we just beat it
up like a normal foe?"
"I'm not sure. It has a physical body, it's not just a spirit. But whether
it's vulnerable to physical attack or not, I don't know."
* * *
Ranma thinks to himself "I guess if even talking about it hurt Kasumi, I can't
bring it up again. Besides, who else could really care? I can't talk about
this with any of the girls. Ukyou would be upset because I wasn't happy enough
with her, and the others would be pissed that I was ever happy with Ukyou in
the first place. None of the guys would even try to understand, and all Nabiki
did was get angry I didn't run to her with news that there was a spirit
floatin' around."
Ran'neko could sense Ranma's confusion and pain, of course, but it's cause was
beyond Ran'neko's understanding. Even if Ranma could put his problems into
words, Ran'neko couldn't have understood them. Ran'neko vaguely understood
that Ranma's pain was in some way caused by its playing with Kyakuzumi
earlier, and when Ran'neko tried to suggest that it wouldn't do it if it hurt
Ranma so badly, Ran'neko was surprised at the vehemence of Ranma's
objections. Ranma clearly wanted Ran'neko to do it again. Ran'neko concluded
that the whole thing was far beyond it's understandings. Ran'neko had to
attribute Ranma's behavior to something only humans could understand.
"Why am I suddenly missing not having something I never even thought about?"
* * *
Nabiki asked "Do we even know if it's purpose is good or evil?"
"We can only conjecture. It's still coming even though it knows we're ready
for it. And undead strongly tend to be opposed to the affairs of the
living. So either it comes in peace, It believes it's overwhelmingly powerful,
or it has no choice, being controlled by a higher power, or being mindless, or
desperate."
"Could this be related to the arrival of Kyakuzumi? The higher power that sent
her?"
Kyakuzumi answers "Almost definitely not. It might be a new player noticing
the number of unusual things going on in the vicinity, my arrival being the
most recent one. But if it had to do with me, why track Ranma and those bound
to him? Why not just send another spirit directly to me?"
Nabiki adds "If it were tracking Ranma and me, I could believe it was due to
Kyakuzumi and Ran'neko. If it were tracking just Jhusenkyou victims, that
would make sense too. Why Ranma and the fiancees?"
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, Tashikaha, What can I do for you?"
"I lost the stranglehold on my plutocracy when Wuffles gained possession of the
living-room."
"How in the world did that happen."
"My wealth led me to a dissolute life style. I lost it in drink and gambling?"
"You gambled with Wuffles?"
"It's a sad and tawdry story, involving an electric razor, Wuffles,
and a rigged game of strip poker."
"I see, and why'd you call?"
"No reason. I just needed someone to pity and gloat over my tragic downfall."
* * *
"It's getting close."
"So how do we respond when it arrives?"
"We don't know why it's coming. We need information we wont get until it's
here. Ranma is the primary target, so Ranma goes on defense to protect from
possible attack, and to buy us time to figure out whats going on. Shampoo,
Ukyou, and Akane stand by Ranma both to be defended and to provide additional
defense."
Cologne continues, "Avoid attacking if at all possible. Remember, if this
creature can be defeated easily, that'd mean that there's a more powerful
figure out there, so we need information. If it can't be defeated easily, we
need time to find it's weakness."
"Unless this is a mindless drone, treat it politely, and with respect. It's
purpose might not be to attack, and being polite will buy us some more time."
* * *
Soun takes the phone from Kasumi "Hello, Tashikaha, What can I do for you?"
"I heard the voices again! I was wrong to think they came from my
dishwasher. That was an absurd idea. I`m surprised nobody bothered to
point this out!"
"Well I didn't want to question your faith"
"But a divine dishwasher? That's crazy! No, it was the Sangreal being
washed inside!"
"Sangreal?"
The holy grail that our savior used during the last supper. I got it
by eating all the strawberry jam that came in it. It was cunningly
disguised from unbelievers as a jar of `Happy Harry`s All-Natural
Strawberry Preserves` at Oshika-san`s all-night `Quik`n Go` bodega."
"What a lucky find."
"I have recreated the knights of the wobbly kitchen table in order to
seek out the lance of Longinus. Well, that, and to keep an eye out for
castle Anthrax. No one`s going to slander me with the epithet `Sir
Tashikaha the Chaste!` If any woman plans to chase me, they'll catch
me quickly."
"Should we be watching for a bad knight out on the town?"
"You shouldn't suggest such things, I'm a soldier for the lord of
peace. That means I only intentionally slaughter infidels, heretics,
and foot soldiers for the enemy's side.
"Why'd you call today?"
"The holy grail insists that it be dried using damascan muslin, isn't
that the name of another religion?"
"You're thinking of Muslim, muslin's a type of cloth."
"That explains why the Imam was so abusive. You'd think no one ever
rubbed a jam jar on him before."
* * *
There is a knock at the door. Before anyone can offer advice, Kasumi goes to
answer it, with Cologne, Nabiki, and Kyakuzumi watching closely.
The door opens to reveal a short European Caucasian with long incisors,
dressed in formal evening-wear, and wearing a star-shaped badge suspended by a
long red ribbon around his neck like a necklace. He speaks with an
eastern-european accent, "Good Evening. I have come to see Ranma Saotome, and
his fiancees. You may call me 'the count.'"
Kasumi says "Wont you please come in."
Upon entering the living room, the vampire spots Ranma and the three fiancees,
and without approaching them too closely, says "Ranma Saotome, I presume. It
has taken me a long time to find you. I am especially glad to finally be able
to see all of your fiancees."
Before anyone could say or do something that might start a violent conflict,
Cologne asks "May I ask why you have come here?"
"It is because Ranma Saotome has three fiancees." He points at Shampoo "One
fiancee!" Thunder rolls. He points at Ukyou, "Two fiancees!" He points at
Akane, "Three Fiancees!" He starts to laugh "Ah ahh ahh ahh ahhh! Three
fiancees! I love to count! Nice meeting you. Bye."
And with that, the count turned from the stunned assemblage and walked out
into the night.
Authors Note:
Dai'aoi was a badly translated reference/pun on the chess computer "Big Blue"