Jerry Feldon smiled broadly. "You're looking well, Irene."
"Thank you." She shifted uneasily.
He hadn't seen her in several months, but her bright, clear eyes and glowing complexion proved that life was almost back on track for her. She had put on some weight and she carried herself with a newfound self- confidence. But her anxiety concerned him.
"Please have a seat," he offered, motioning to the large leather chair near his desk.
"Thanks." She sat down and cleared her throat but said nothing.
He eyed her carefully. She'd come such a long way from the first time he met her. She was almost full circle, but not quite. There was still some unresolved conflict that needed to be dealt with. "How's the book coming along?" he finally asked.
"It's finished and on the editor's desk."
"I hope you're going to relax for a while before tackling the next one," he teased.
She smiled. "I still have a few changes to make on this one. I need to rest awhile, but you know how that goes."
He laughed. "I think I know you well enough by now to realize that when an idea pops into your head a book is soon to follow."
"I'll keep jotting down ideas, but I'm going to take some time to plan a nice trip."
"That sounds exciting. Will the girls be traveling with you?"
"Oh, yes. We're going to have such a wonderful time. I want to spend as much time as I can with them before Serena starts college in the fall."
"How are they doing?"
"They're both well. Serena is excited about college and her upcoming high school graduation."
Jerry eyed her warily. "So what is the problem, Irene? Everything seems to be going well for you."
She bit her bottom lip. "I don't know. I have everything I've ever wanted and I know I should be happy."
"But you're not?"
"Oh, no, I am," she quickly stated. "It's just something . . . I can't explain. Something's missing."
"You've worked very hard for everything you have."
"I know," she said softly. "Maybe that's it. I had to struggle so hard . . . it doesn't seem fair."
Jerry leaned back in his chair. "You certainly should know by now that life isn't always fair," he stated. "What's really the matter, Irene?"
She stood up and walked over to the bookcase, running her finger over the binding of a thick psychology book then, turning to face her doctor, said, "I've been thinking about Ben Johnson too much lately."
He raised an eyebrow. "Where's that coming from?"
She walked back over to the chair and sat down. "I don't know," she finally answered with a shrug. "He frustrates me."
"And why is that?"
She took a deep breath, and then slowly exhaled. "I keep thinking about all the years I struggled trying to make ends meet and how he lived in the lap of luxury."
"You never told me much about your first marriage. When I met you, you were dealing with the second."
"Oh, there's still so much to deal with the first, too," she laughed, with a touch of bitterness in her voice. "Now if I could only figure out why I involve myself with men who only want to take advantage of me, then hurt me, I might understand myself better."
"Maybe we should take this one step at a time." He looked directly at her. "Is Serena's upcoming graduation causing you concern?"
"Not really. I mean it just seems that only yesterday she was eight years old. Now she'll be going off to college in a few months."
"Is her father coming to the ceremony?"
"Oh, of course." She frowned. "Maybe that's part of the problem."
"How do you mean?"
"When I was with Ben, we were your typical young struggling couple. Then when I received some money, we used that to invest in real estate. If it wouldn't have been for that money, we would never have gotten ahead."
"How long after you received the money did Ben and you break up?"
"Less than a year."
He saw the pain in her eyes. "Didn't you get a fair settlement?"
"Yes, the court gave me and the girls enough to live comfortably, but that wasn't what Ben gave us."
"Why didn't you fight it?"
She shook her head. "In the long run, I knew it wouldn't be worth it. Lawyers cost a fortune and I assumed he had a conscience and would realize our struggle."
"He didn't?"
"Oh, he knew, I'm sure of that. But I honestly don't think he cared." She swallowed hard. "It's not easy to accept the fact that the person you shared your life with could just turn so cold. Especially where the girls were concerned."
"Did Ben ever remarry?"
"Yes, but he didn't have any more children."
"You believe he could've done better by his daughters?"
"Not could've, but should've," she retorted angrily. "He was always crying poverty but had a new car almost every year, trips to places he and I had talked about visiting. Everything!"
"You've kept those feelings buried for a long time."
She raised her eyebrows. "That's one of the reasons I became involved with Alexander. I wanted to give my girls a better life and we both know where that got me." Her voice was still bitter.
"I think it would be good for you to start getting those feelings out."
"I'd love to, but every time I think I have, something happens to make the old feelings come back." She laughed. "I would love to just move on with my life."
"And you don't think you can?"
"Not until I exorcise all these ghosts from my past."
"Tell me about your life after your divorce from Ben."
"It was one struggle after another. If I paid one bill, I had to let another go." Tears came to her eyes. "There were times I could barely put a meal on the table."
"Did you tell Ben about your finances?"
"Oh, right!" she answered resentfully. "If I even broached the subject, he'd inform me if I couldn't take care of the girls, he would." She sighed tiredly. "He loved being in control. If I upset him, he'd threaten to cut off the child support." She shook her head slowly. "I couldn't win. But I held onto my dream of writing. No matter how bad things got, I knew no one could take that away from me." The light came back into her eyes when she talked about writing. "My writing keeps me going."
"How does Ben feel about your book?"
"He probably despises it."
"Why would you think that?"
She rolled her eyes. "If you knew Ben Johnson, you wouldn't ask. He doesn't give compliments."
"Maybe he's jealous of your success," Jerry reasoned.
"Could be. I never really thought about it that way."
"Did he ever discourage your writing endeavors?"
"No, in fact he was very supportive. I just don't believe he ever thought I would succeed. I think he was patronizing me."
"Irene, you've got to let go of the past and forget what anyone else thinks. You have a bright, happy future ahead of you."
"I know," she said uneasily.
"Irene, you act like you think you aren't deserving of your success."
"No, I do know I deserve it. I worked hard for it."
"Yes, you did." He eyed her carefully. "So why are you dwelling in the past?"
She sighed. "There's so much I wish I could've done with and for the girls when they were younger." She quickly blinked away her tears. "We were suffering and no one cared." She looked deep into her therapist's eyes. "Do you know how hard it was to have to juggle finances to give them things they should've normally had?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Everyone else was going on vacations while I was trying to budget school clothes, or the next week's groceries. It exhausted me."
"But you made it, Irene. Look how strong you've become!"
"I know, and I'm grateful for my success. I just wish it could've come years earlier."
"Irene, you have a wonderful relationship with your girls. I'm sure they know the sacrifices you've made most of their lives."
"Yes, they do," she answered. "And I know they appreciate it."
He smiled. "I think you need to get back to planning your trip. Relax . . . have fun!"
She returned his smile. "I always feel better after I talk to you."
"You've come through some rough times. A lot of women may not have survived the way you have."
Her face reddened. She wasn't comfortable accepting compliments. "You do what you have to do," she said softly. "And my girls are definitely worth it."
"May I offer another piece of advice?" he asked.
"Do I have a choice?" She grinned.
He laughed. "You know me too well. What I wanted to suggest was that maybe it's time you thought about doing something for yourself now that Serena and Lita are almost grown."
"Such as?"
"Have you thought about dating again?"
A shadow crossed her face. "You remember my last fiasco? The detective?"
"I don't think you were quite ready then. Maybe you could call him or send him a note. He wasn't that bad, was he?"
"No, in fact, he was really kind and gentle. It was my fault. I never gave him a chance." She gripped the arms of her chair. "But I don't think I could call him. It's been a long time. He's probably with someone by now."
"There's only one way to find out," Jerry said.
She sighed. "That would take more courage than I have."
"You have the courage, Irene." His voice was soft and fatherly. "You need to trust men again. The right one is out there somewhere waiting for you to find him."
Her eyes brightened hopefully.
"You deserve a man who will give you all the tenderness and affection your two husbands couldn't. Take the time to get to know Detective . . .?"
"Ken Tsukino," she said.
"What do you have to lose?" he continued. "If he's not the one, then the right one will show up eventually."
"It's not like I'm going to marry him."
"That's right. Take the time to develop a relationship. Really get to know him. If he tries to control you, then you'll know he's wrong for you. Enjoy yourself! You deserve to have some fun in your life. Explore your horizons."
"It would be so nice to love someone and have that love returned," she said softly.
"It will happen, Irene, I promise. But you have to take the first step and let down your guard a little."
"I'm going to call Ken," she said determinedly as she stood up. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
He chuckled.
She looked at him quizzically. "What's so funny?"
"You're like a young girl just discovering the opposite sex."
She winked. "Maybe I am. Only this time I'm going in with my eyes wide open."
"Thank you." She shifted uneasily.
He hadn't seen her in several months, but her bright, clear eyes and glowing complexion proved that life was almost back on track for her. She had put on some weight and she carried herself with a newfound self- confidence. But her anxiety concerned him.
"Please have a seat," he offered, motioning to the large leather chair near his desk.
"Thanks." She sat down and cleared her throat but said nothing.
He eyed her carefully. She'd come such a long way from the first time he met her. She was almost full circle, but not quite. There was still some unresolved conflict that needed to be dealt with. "How's the book coming along?" he finally asked.
"It's finished and on the editor's desk."
"I hope you're going to relax for a while before tackling the next one," he teased.
She smiled. "I still have a few changes to make on this one. I need to rest awhile, but you know how that goes."
He laughed. "I think I know you well enough by now to realize that when an idea pops into your head a book is soon to follow."
"I'll keep jotting down ideas, but I'm going to take some time to plan a nice trip."
"That sounds exciting. Will the girls be traveling with you?"
"Oh, yes. We're going to have such a wonderful time. I want to spend as much time as I can with them before Serena starts college in the fall."
"How are they doing?"
"They're both well. Serena is excited about college and her upcoming high school graduation."
Jerry eyed her warily. "So what is the problem, Irene? Everything seems to be going well for you."
She bit her bottom lip. "I don't know. I have everything I've ever wanted and I know I should be happy."
"But you're not?"
"Oh, no, I am," she quickly stated. "It's just something . . . I can't explain. Something's missing."
"You've worked very hard for everything you have."
"I know," she said softly. "Maybe that's it. I had to struggle so hard . . . it doesn't seem fair."
Jerry leaned back in his chair. "You certainly should know by now that life isn't always fair," he stated. "What's really the matter, Irene?"
She stood up and walked over to the bookcase, running her finger over the binding of a thick psychology book then, turning to face her doctor, said, "I've been thinking about Ben Johnson too much lately."
He raised an eyebrow. "Where's that coming from?"
She walked back over to the chair and sat down. "I don't know," she finally answered with a shrug. "He frustrates me."
"And why is that?"
She took a deep breath, and then slowly exhaled. "I keep thinking about all the years I struggled trying to make ends meet and how he lived in the lap of luxury."
"You never told me much about your first marriage. When I met you, you were dealing with the second."
"Oh, there's still so much to deal with the first, too," she laughed, with a touch of bitterness in her voice. "Now if I could only figure out why I involve myself with men who only want to take advantage of me, then hurt me, I might understand myself better."
"Maybe we should take this one step at a time." He looked directly at her. "Is Serena's upcoming graduation causing you concern?"
"Not really. I mean it just seems that only yesterday she was eight years old. Now she'll be going off to college in a few months."
"Is her father coming to the ceremony?"
"Oh, of course." She frowned. "Maybe that's part of the problem."
"How do you mean?"
"When I was with Ben, we were your typical young struggling couple. Then when I received some money, we used that to invest in real estate. If it wouldn't have been for that money, we would never have gotten ahead."
"How long after you received the money did Ben and you break up?"
"Less than a year."
He saw the pain in her eyes. "Didn't you get a fair settlement?"
"Yes, the court gave me and the girls enough to live comfortably, but that wasn't what Ben gave us."
"Why didn't you fight it?"
She shook her head. "In the long run, I knew it wouldn't be worth it. Lawyers cost a fortune and I assumed he had a conscience and would realize our struggle."
"He didn't?"
"Oh, he knew, I'm sure of that. But I honestly don't think he cared." She swallowed hard. "It's not easy to accept the fact that the person you shared your life with could just turn so cold. Especially where the girls were concerned."
"Did Ben ever remarry?"
"Yes, but he didn't have any more children."
"You believe he could've done better by his daughters?"
"Not could've, but should've," she retorted angrily. "He was always crying poverty but had a new car almost every year, trips to places he and I had talked about visiting. Everything!"
"You've kept those feelings buried for a long time."
She raised her eyebrows. "That's one of the reasons I became involved with Alexander. I wanted to give my girls a better life and we both know where that got me." Her voice was still bitter.
"I think it would be good for you to start getting those feelings out."
"I'd love to, but every time I think I have, something happens to make the old feelings come back." She laughed. "I would love to just move on with my life."
"And you don't think you can?"
"Not until I exorcise all these ghosts from my past."
"Tell me about your life after your divorce from Ben."
"It was one struggle after another. If I paid one bill, I had to let another go." Tears came to her eyes. "There were times I could barely put a meal on the table."
"Did you tell Ben about your finances?"
"Oh, right!" she answered resentfully. "If I even broached the subject, he'd inform me if I couldn't take care of the girls, he would." She sighed tiredly. "He loved being in control. If I upset him, he'd threaten to cut off the child support." She shook her head slowly. "I couldn't win. But I held onto my dream of writing. No matter how bad things got, I knew no one could take that away from me." The light came back into her eyes when she talked about writing. "My writing keeps me going."
"How does Ben feel about your book?"
"He probably despises it."
"Why would you think that?"
She rolled her eyes. "If you knew Ben Johnson, you wouldn't ask. He doesn't give compliments."
"Maybe he's jealous of your success," Jerry reasoned.
"Could be. I never really thought about it that way."
"Did he ever discourage your writing endeavors?"
"No, in fact he was very supportive. I just don't believe he ever thought I would succeed. I think he was patronizing me."
"Irene, you've got to let go of the past and forget what anyone else thinks. You have a bright, happy future ahead of you."
"I know," she said uneasily.
"Irene, you act like you think you aren't deserving of your success."
"No, I do know I deserve it. I worked hard for it."
"Yes, you did." He eyed her carefully. "So why are you dwelling in the past?"
She sighed. "There's so much I wish I could've done with and for the girls when they were younger." She quickly blinked away her tears. "We were suffering and no one cared." She looked deep into her therapist's eyes. "Do you know how hard it was to have to juggle finances to give them things they should've normally had?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Everyone else was going on vacations while I was trying to budget school clothes, or the next week's groceries. It exhausted me."
"But you made it, Irene. Look how strong you've become!"
"I know, and I'm grateful for my success. I just wish it could've come years earlier."
"Irene, you have a wonderful relationship with your girls. I'm sure they know the sacrifices you've made most of their lives."
"Yes, they do," she answered. "And I know they appreciate it."
He smiled. "I think you need to get back to planning your trip. Relax . . . have fun!"
She returned his smile. "I always feel better after I talk to you."
"You've come through some rough times. A lot of women may not have survived the way you have."
Her face reddened. She wasn't comfortable accepting compliments. "You do what you have to do," she said softly. "And my girls are definitely worth it."
"May I offer another piece of advice?" he asked.
"Do I have a choice?" She grinned.
He laughed. "You know me too well. What I wanted to suggest was that maybe it's time you thought about doing something for yourself now that Serena and Lita are almost grown."
"Such as?"
"Have you thought about dating again?"
A shadow crossed her face. "You remember my last fiasco? The detective?"
"I don't think you were quite ready then. Maybe you could call him or send him a note. He wasn't that bad, was he?"
"No, in fact, he was really kind and gentle. It was my fault. I never gave him a chance." She gripped the arms of her chair. "But I don't think I could call him. It's been a long time. He's probably with someone by now."
"There's only one way to find out," Jerry said.
She sighed. "That would take more courage than I have."
"You have the courage, Irene." His voice was soft and fatherly. "You need to trust men again. The right one is out there somewhere waiting for you to find him."
Her eyes brightened hopefully.
"You deserve a man who will give you all the tenderness and affection your two husbands couldn't. Take the time to get to know Detective . . .?"
"Ken Tsukino," she said.
"What do you have to lose?" he continued. "If he's not the one, then the right one will show up eventually."
"It's not like I'm going to marry him."
"That's right. Take the time to develop a relationship. Really get to know him. If he tries to control you, then you'll know he's wrong for you. Enjoy yourself! You deserve to have some fun in your life. Explore your horizons."
"It would be so nice to love someone and have that love returned," she said softly.
"It will happen, Irene, I promise. But you have to take the first step and let down your guard a little."
"I'm going to call Ken," she said determinedly as she stood up. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
He chuckled.
She looked at him quizzically. "What's so funny?"
"You're like a young girl just discovering the opposite sex."
She winked. "Maybe I am. Only this time I'm going in with my eyes wide open."