Agony Yoda

A.N; Well, here on request of Padawan Jess Kenobi, is the special Phantom Menace edition of Agony Yoda. Enjoy!

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Dear Yoda

I'm not a Jedi but I really need your advice.

I'm so horny I don't know what to do. It really makes it hard to talk to girls I mean im so red and black in the face, it really puts people off. I've even tried getting my lightsabre out to show people but it just scares them away, it's off-putting for some reason. The girls are just scared cos of my hornyness, they don't even stick around to know the real me. I'm not always good with either sex anyway, and I've had to kill most of the girls I've met before. My master discourages relationships but my appearance puts everyone off anyway!  Have you got any advice?

Mauler

Now, now Mauler. Over dramatic are you being, 'kill' is such a strong word, and I'm sure girls all do not run from you, you cannot be that ugly! Green am I but still sexy as is proven in last weeks edition! Get out your lightsabre!? Information that is too much, hmm? Share with me that you did not need to! Mental pictures, scare me they do! Perhaps treating these women objects like you are, more like people you should treat them as. Only human they are, well mostly. Do not be so forward! Sexual urges in check keep you, then run perhaps so many wouldn't. Honest be you, and act like yourself, and easier to approach these girls it will be, have confidence!

Master Yoda

Dear Master Yoda

I have a great job and I enjoy it a lot, I'm very good at it, I'm as qualified as any of my bosses, but they just don't want to give me a promotion, they say my techniques are off the wall and not how they like to operate they feel I'm a maverick, they are very old fashioned, but I deserve to be made a part of their council, how should I deal with this?

X

Well, the solution I feel is hints to drop, or ask one of your bosses directly, perhaps ready they do not consider you, or feel that the job you will not take seriously. Talk to them you must, or never know will you, what the problem is.

Master Yoda

Master Yoda

My master was on Tatooine recently and picked up what I can only describe as a stray. This raggedy young boy is apparently a slave he freed and wants to train as a Jedi! He is most definitely too old to start training but my master seems to think he is 'the chosen one' who will restore peace to the galaxy. I can't help feeling a little jealous, I haven't even been entered into the trials yet and my master is already trying to replace me with some unknown brat from a desert world that he's known for all of ten minutes, tell me I'm not being paranoid here.

'Ben'

Dear 'Ben', insensitive I would agree your master is, and more importantly, more to take on than one Padawans the Jedi Code prohibits, talk to your master you should, voice your concerns so understands your feelings he does. Allow not this to damage your bond, honesty the best policy is.

Master Yoda

Master Yoda

I fear I'm starting to have feelings for a ten year old. What on earth is your solution?

EEEEEEEW! Wrong with you what is?! Cold shower and bromide take you! Never will that work out! Never! EEEW!

Master Yoda

Dear Master Yoda

I am a protocol droid, C3PO -human cyborg relations, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication… but I'm missing the point. My master (and creator) has recently relocated to some far flung reach of space to become a Jedi or some such nonsense, which leaves me totally alone. I know I should not have feelings but my master was such a special individual I feel lost without him, I'm supposed to care for his mother, but I can't help wondering if I'll ever see him again. What is your advice?

A special droid are you C3PO, your humanity indeed is uncommon and strange. If your masters last wish it was for you to serve his mother, then honour his decision you should. If it is the will of the Force you shall meet again, and better to do a good job of your appointed tasks it is, please your master and his mother it will, lonely too she inevitably feels, losing a son as you have a master. Company give her, and what the future will bring you can only guess (though know can I, as wise Jedi I am hehe) Good luck.

Master Yoda

It was a few days later and Yoda was admiring his handiwork in the Jedi chronicle.

"Putting out fires all over the place I am, soon money enough will I have. Haha, perhaps a new wager should I make with know-it-all Windu hmm…no, no pure and good I must remain, tempted I am not, wisdomful I am…word that is not…. Pah! Master Yoda I am, word it is now. Hmmm. Yes." Yoda was muttering these things to himself as he sat in the Cafeteria of the Temple when Qui Gon Jinn sidled up to him, the Jedi Chronicle stuffed indiscreetly into his robes.

"Ahem." He said and Yoda swivelled on the bench to face him.

"Greetings Qui Gon, my great work you have been admiring hmm?" Yoda said motioning to the paper.

Qui Gon stuffed the paper behind his back and smiled toothily at Yoda.

"Erm, Master Yoda. Being how you are so wise and all?"

"Yes Qui Gon, wise am I, and soon to be rich."

"Yes well, I think I deserve to be on the Jedi council, I totally rock! I mean ahem, please Master Yoda, I can be a good boy." He gave Yoda puppy dog eyes.

Yoda scrutinized him closely, mulling it over.

"You promise you will stop being such a maverick?"

"Jedi's honour." Qui Gon nodded.

"Prooooomise?"

"Promise."

"Ah…hm… well good you are ….lemmie think about thiiiiss….."

Qui Gon looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but Yoda thought some more.

"Hm….wellllllllll…..hmmm…..let me see, let me see…."

Qui Gon leaned forward in anticipation.

"YYYYYYYYYY- NO! Hahahahahahahaha! Ah crack myself up I do." Yoda wiped away tears of laughter. Qui Gon still hung around thinking Yoda was kidding.

"Hear me did you not? No, no, no, no, no, no, Ye- NO! HA! Good that felt. Go you can, off you go!" Yoda waved his hand at him and Qui Gon sloped off, looking dejected

"Awwww!" Said the cafeteria.

"Awwwwww!" Said the author.

(Go on readers, say awww for poor Qui Gon!)

"Hey! Star of this story I am! Respect me you should, wisdomful I am! Qui Gon can't be a master, limited number of seats there are…erm…as many as there are in the movies, hmm yes, and erm…budget we do not have, skint we all are! Taken a job as an Agony Uncle I have for Force sakes!" Yoda glared.

"Awww!"

"Respect me you will! Leaving I am, my agent you will hear from!"

(C'mon lets all fix him with the puppy dog eyes I bet he cracks!)

"Crack I will not! Venerable Jedi master I am! … No! That look I will not fall for….hmmm! Die he does! Otherwise Master I would have made him! GL write to, yell at him! Going now I am. Hmmph."

(We hear the door slam.)

Leap of Fate: Erm…well Yoda seems to have walked out on us folks, I'll bribe him back for next issue! Padawan Jess, I hope this TPM special was to your liking, and to all of your likings? Any ideas for questions or other characters or anything else you'd like to add, leave it in your review or email me! Thanks for reading!

Click that darn review button and tell me what y'all think!

You know you want to!

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                                     |          (you can tell I was bored huh?)