The Marble
Author's Note: The madness is back with a vengeance! Poor Johnny S… he must be turning in his grave (he is dead now, isn't he?)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of The Pearl-ish-ness, Harry Potter, the Disney-fied Little Mermaid, or anything else that's obviously not mine… But I did own the 20 packs of smarties I ate before writing this! (Ok, so they were my brothers')…
"When we last left our heroes, Coyote had a close encounter with the Squeaky Crab Toy and contracted a swelling liver, there was a parade, the anonymous doctor was being, well, anonymous, and Kino demonstrated his anger-management problems!"
"Since when did we get an announcer?" Tommybaby asked, looking up at the sky.
"All good fics have Random Disembodied Voices. It is good," Onik said. (Did that seem repetitive to you readers as well? Man, and that was a direct quote, too…)
"Now, we find our lovable, poverty-stricken Native-Western-Mexico-American friends randomly at the beach. What will happen to them? What wildlife will they encounter? What will they find? Will Coyote's liver un-swell? Is un-swell a word? Will -". Suddenly there was a loud noise from the sky like a pile of algebra books smacking against a head at a 127-degree angle. And the Random Disembodied Voice was no more, and it was good.
Anyways, Onik & Co. were walking along the beach (Anuaj carrying Coyote in her shawl.) They passed some random pigs and dogs scavenging on the beach. "Stupid random pigs and dogs," Onik muttered as one of then tried to pig out on his tattered pants.
"No, Onik, don't say such a thing! One, it's bad luck, and two - Don't you see? The pigs and dogs are a symbol! They represent the common man in a struggle to survive in this brutal world we live in!" Anuaj exclaimed, sighing with the artistic beauty of it. Onik gave her "the look" (O_o) She shrugged.
Suddenly there was a light from up above. They both looked up and saw a face projected in the clouds - the face of that "champion of the weak and downtrodden" - the Ghost of John Steinbeck! "Actually, those are just random pigs and dogs!"
"Stupid random pigs and dogs," Onik muttered. Anuaj looked sheepish. "Now what?"
"Uh…….." The Ghost of John Steinbeck said helpfully. He checked his copy of "The Pearl". "Oh! Ok. Now you have to go canoeing." Then, slowly, the Ghost of John Steinbeck faded away.
Anuaj and Onik looked at each other, shrugged, and got in the canoe, at which point I have to put in a twenty-page description of the Gulf of California. Ahem… The seaweed was swaying, the sand-dwellers were bubbling, the crabs……
Well, the crabs weren't there. So Kavi had to go get the next best thing (in his tree-monkey-ish opinion) Sebastian from "The Little Mermaid"!
Sebastian checked his copy of "The Pearl" and noticed that there was mention of a "Song of the Undersea". He decided he would take the initiative himself.
Enough said.
Under the sea [under the sea]
Under the sea [under the sea]
So much to see there
So much to be there
………………..
"What have they got, a lot of sand? We got a hot Caribbean band!" Onik crooned. Anuaj, not quite understanding, looked around to see where the Caribbean band was. She didn't see it. But she did see something else… Something small and glittery lying in the sand…
"Onik…… Look…"
Onik did so, and slowly he picked the small, glittery random object up. It was like the size of his palm, its glass surface hardly chipped or scratched, with little pieces of confetti and glitter embedded inside that little bluish swirl. It was…… a marble…..
It was the Marble of the World.
Suddenly, a rather ordinary random oyster leapt out of the Disney-fied Gulf of California and landed right in front of Onik. "How dare you! How dare you just leave me out of all this! I'm the Oyster! The Oyster of the World! I'm very important!"
"No, you're not," said Kavi, randomly inserting himself into the conversation since he wasn't supposed to really even be in this chapter (or any of the others, for that matter…)
"Oh yes I am! (stupid tree monkeys!) I happen to be a hugely important character! Yes, a character! This is a conflict of character versus character, not character vs. nature! OYSTERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, YOU KNOW!!!" The oyster had worked himself up so much, he was singing. "Nobody understands… Nobody cares… Nobody bothers with a shellfish like me…"
Onik, Anuaj, Kavi, and Coyote gave the oyster "the look" (O_o). It stopped raving, but managed to get in, "Well, I have the Pearl of the World, if you want it."
"Who cares about some dumb old pearl?," Onik dismissed haughtily. "We have The Marble now. And now we are rich, and all our problems will be solved even though we all know that sounds too good to be true, and we'll get too many material possessions, and everyone will love us, and we'll end up all getting shot in the head at the end anyways, and…"
"And Coyote will be healed by magic?" Anuaj suggested.
"Did someone say magic?" a random disembodied voice called. Then, next to the Oyster of the World, a puff of red and gold smoke formed and out stepped…
"Harry?" Anuaj exclaimed. "It's Harry! The boy who lived! He's come to save Coyote!"
And it was. Only he seemed a little shorter, and he had randomly curled his hair, and wasn't wearing any shiny black shoes.
"I'm here to stop Coyote's swelling liver, since there was no rational explanation for it in the book," Harry announced. He pointed his wand at Coyote's liver and muttered a random, Latin-sounding word. There was a big poof of magical smoke. And Coyote started to cry again.
"Now look what you've done! You Sillybritishpansy! You didn't cure Coyote! You call yourself a wizard? And why is your hair curly? Stop trying to be Bilbo Baggins - I mean, just because the director of your movies gave you Sting, made you go through Mirkwood, had an eagle rescue you, and forced you to fight a troll doesn't give you the right to steal Tail's part!" Anuaj shouted.
Harry gave her "the look" (O_o). And Anuaj was quiet, and it was good.
But all this nonsense still hadn't cured Coyote, so Kavi decided to bring in the best wizard of all time… And with another poof of smoke, a tall dude with a rather dumb haircut and a black turtleneck stepped into the chaos. Our heroes (and our villains) maintained a revered silence.
"Hello. Don't worry, I'm a Quidditch captain. I can do anything. (in a Scottish/Irish accent)" Oliver Wood assured Anuaj. He pointed his wand and muttered a different Latin-sounding word. And Coyote was miraculously cured. "There. That ought to do it. (in a Scottish/Irish accent)" The random pigs and dogs on the beach applauded, and Olly bowed (in a Scottish/Irish accent).
"Thanks. I was wondering how exactly that was supposed to happen," Onik said.
"You're welcome (in a Scottish/Irish accent)," Olly replied. "Oh, and by the way, Harry, I think Anuaj did have sort of a point about the whole hobbit thing…"
Harry looked from the right to the left, realizing he was outnumbered. Then he slipped a cheesy gold-colored ring on his finger and disappeared. Olly sighed, disappearing as well, "Sillybritishpansy (in a Scottish/Irish accent)."
And then Kino got an urge to stand up. He held the Marble of the World over his head, and howled. And everyone in the canoes around them stared, and wondered what Kino was doing, and …… it was good.
………………………………...................................................................................................................
Kwee! Okay, that's all for Chapter Two. Next time - what Kino will buy with the Marble of the World, the real truth about the doctor, and the return of the Random Disembodied Voice! And Chapter Leal is coming - I just need suggestions for what Kino would buy with the Marble. Suggestions would be nice… *hint hint*
Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and everyone who is going to review, and everyone that reviewed in parallel universes! Ok, admit it. You want to be on one of those lists. It is, after all, a very high honor. Don't worry - it's easy! Just hit that little button on the bottom that says "Send Review - Go" and type me a review! Actually, you'd better - I've got an angry Oyster of the World here, and I'm not afraid to use it!!!