Script made by: A lot of people
Made into a readable story by: C-chan AKA me!
Started by: A Random Guy named Chris Podima
(the guy who lives in Hika's basement and is fed Generic Quality Rats)
Starring: A lot of people
Category: Would be original, but it has a few LotR and HP characters
Genre: Action/Adventure/Horror/Humor
Rating: PG-13
Extra stuff: If you are offended by male/male relationships, leave.
If you are offended by killing Mary-Sues, you are extremely weird,
or you don't know what a Mary-Sue is. The Cardboard Box is where
The Pencil Show is hosted, and is a "home" for all of us TPS fans.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A guy with blonde hair with a red bandanna tied pirate-style on his head was sitting in a basement, scheming. He was wearing a green computer shirt, blue jeans, and he had a demonic grin on his face. He was a Random Guy Named Chris Podima, who wasn't eating the Generic Quality Rats that Hika always fed him while he was locked in her basement.
"Curses," he muttered. "I have to come up with a plan to conquer the Cardboard Box…but I CAN'T! I HAVE EVIL GENIUS' BLOCK!" He growled.
Suddenly, a guy appeared out of who-knows-where. He looked similar to Chris, but with a green bandanna tied like a ninja's ribbon on his head, and he had a small smirk on his face. "Hel-LO!" he said. "How are you today?"
Chris looked up. "Who…" he started. "Scratch that. What the hell are you?"
The other guy bowed, and announced, "Your new typo twin."
"Typ-what?"
The guy smiled widely. "That's easy to explain, silly!" he said. "A typo twin is created every time someone misspells a name. A typo twin is also known as a MiniBalrog sometimes, if you don't want to go to the trouble of creating a new character. My name is Chriss."
"You talk too much," Chris announced. "And you sound like a friggin' fairy."
"No, just a male Mary-Sue, also known as a Gary-Stu."
"WHAT?"
"Mary-Sues are perfect in every way," Chriss made a face. "Disgustingly so."
"Sounds about right."
"However," he continued, "these Mary-Sues are loathed greatly by the residents of the Cardboard Box, and thought to be certain death... there's an ongoing flame war against them. How scary!" He shuddered.
Chris blinked. "Okay, aside from that completely fairyish thing you just did, what you just said is verrrry interesting…" his eyes glittered.
And the Random Guy suddenly thought of a plan. It was a nasty plan! It was a horrible and nasty plan! It was a disgusting, horrible, and nasty plan!
"Shaddup," Chris said to the narrator. "It's a good plan. Chriss, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Sure, Chris," he replied. "But why would we want to give each other makeovers?"
Now it was Chris's turn to shudder. "No, Chriss... it's time to... TAKE OVER THE CARDBOARD BOX! FOR I HAVE A PLAN! Come, Chriss. Let's go prepare."
Both boys left, as the narrator started humming the Pinky and The Brain theme song.
***
It was a particularly dark night. A chair at a desk was turned away from the door, the occupant facing the window.
"It always gets darker when something's afoot," the person commented. The chair rocked back and forth slightly. "I know I'll be the one to catch it hot from some dame."
The door opened slowly, revealing a beautiful, blonde, teenage woman with goggles on her head. She came up to the desk. "Excuse me?" she asked.
The chair swung around, revealing a guy with black eyes and red hair that was down to his shoulders. At least, it would have been if it weren't put up in pony-tail. He was wearing a black trench coat with black boots. His name was Esau, and his favorite color was black for some reason. "Yeah, lady?"
"Are you a private eye?" she asked.
"Yes I am," he answered.
"My name is Hikaness, and I've got a case," she announced.
Esau rolled his eyes. "Really," he said sarcastically. "What are you willing to pay?"
"As much as needed."
This got his attention. "Well, what's the deal?"
"The problem is my Chris Podima," Hikaness said. "He's escaped from my basement and I'm afraid he may come after me and my Cardboard Box."
"Another Chris Podima." Esau sighed. "Really, lady, you've really been careless."
"It's not my fault," Hika replied defensively.
"It never is. Do you know what he has planned?"
"I'm afraid he may have made an alliance with the Mary-Sues," she said, shuddering slightly. "They've been more active in my part of town lately."
"Everything's just gotten uglier," he announced. "Alright, I'll take your case, but it'll cost ya."
"As I said, money is no object."
"All right."
The two walked out. Suddenly, a teenage boy who had been hidden in the shadows came out. He was about 5'10", and had blue eyes, medium brown hair that was slightly past his shoulders, and he was wearing dark blue T-shirt and jeans with black shoes. His name was Daniel, also known as Carbon-Based Biped. "HEY! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shouted as he ran after them.
***
Chriss and Chris entered a room with many, many filing cabinets. There was a thin, brunette woman sitting behind a desk, doing paperwork. A ruggedly handsome blonde man was organizing the file cabinets. There was a sign hanging on the front of the desk that said "I don't know why they came. I just find Mary-Sues and alert the Community. It's not my job to ask questions."
The woman looked up. "Hoya, and welcome to the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage," she greeted them. "My name is She Who Gives Migraines. How may I help you?"
"We're looking for the files on all the LotR Mary-Sues you can find," Chris announced. "Particularly the ones with bad grammar."
She Who Gives Migraines, otherwise known as She, blanched. "B-bad g-grammar?"
Over at the filing cabinets, the man, known as Éomer, visibly trembled.
"And the more Frodo 'Sues, the better," Chris added.
"Sir," She said as she folded her hands, "are you aware that if you are caught using these files for anything other than PPC purposes, it can merit being sent back to OFUM and being used for MiniBalrog basketball, or worse?"
Chris announced that he did know. She started typing into her computer. "Oh, and one other thing," she said. "I was told to look out for A Random Guy Named Chris Podima. You're not A Random Guy Named Chris Podima...are you?"
"Nope," the Random Guy Named Chris Podima announced.
"Oh!" She smiled cheerfully. "Okay, then. Try Fanfiction.net-town; I've heard they're a real Mary-Sue hot spot. Éomer, be a good boy and give the nice guy the files."
"She, aren't you going to make him flash an ID or something?" he asked cautiously.
"No. Don't make me spank you again," She told him.
Éomer shuddered before walking over and giving Chris a huge folder.
"Thank you," she said, "and please report all Mary-Sues to your nearest Recon Storage Unit! Toodlepip!"
"Right," Chris replied as he and Chriss left.
"What a nice guy!" She commented. Éomer smacked his forehead.
And so, A Random Guy Named Chris Podima had gotten ahold of Recon files, thanks to a somewhat dim-witted Recon File Unit secretary. Where is Private Esau?! What's going on?! Where's the rest of the Box already?! Come on, people! We need-
End Transmission.
***
Drawn on Bandaide sighed. "Typo twins."
Drawn on Bandayd popped up. "HULLO!"
Drawn on Bandaide jumped. "EEK! Chris and Chriss, you can have her.
Two of me would be insane. PLEASE!"
Drawn on Bandayd was tying people's shoelaces together, and got an
innocent look on her face. "Not me. I'm just a little angel. See my halo?"
A halo popped up, held up by devil horns.
Drawn on Bandaide left.
The first random moment has just ended.
***
A girl named Harriet was sitting in her classroom getting ready for a test. Well, she was supposed to be. She was actually drawing. But she was doing something when her supersonic hearing detected *DUNDUNDUUUUN* AN INSULT TO HOMOSEXUALITY!
Leaping up and running from the school, disregarding her upcoming lesson, she was suddenly confronted by... THE EVIL CHANDLER-SENSEI!
The EVIL, MEAN, NASTY teacher gave her a Death Glare and said in a voice that could freeze flame, "And just where do you think YOU'RE going, Harriet?"
"Outside," squeaked Riona - for it was she. In her fury, she had transformed into... RIONA LEONHART, SHE WHO LIKES SHOUNEN-AI WAY TOO MUCH! "Someone's been insulting homosexuals. I suspect Pan's parents."
"Wonderful!" cackled the evil devil-spawn. "Fairies must all die! PREJUDICE SHALL RULE!"
Riona, thoroughly fed up with this, flapped her precious copy of VIGIL in her arch-enemy's face. Shocked by the beautiful shounen-ai between Zell and Seifer, Chandler-sensei grabbed her Red Pen to write a scorching flame on the story. Riona took advantage of this lapse to bolt past her and out of the gate. Free on the street, she suddenly received a transmission from Hika on her standard-issue TPS mini-microphone.
"Hey, people! Chris Podima has escaped! We need the help of all of you!"
"What's his opinion on shounen-ai?!" yelled Riona down her own microphone, but Hika had been cut off. She shrugged and set off. Dealing with runaway Chris Podimas took first priority in any case.
***
Two brunette girls and two dragons (one green, one red) were sitting around a campfire, burning Mary-Sues. The green dragon perked up. Her name was Venomeyes, but it was usually shortened to V. "Hoo-boy. there's another cliched plot to take over something-or-other brewing," she announced. V had VERY large wings, and was roughly the size of a school cafeteria. No one had worked out how she fit anywhere yet. The world may never know. Wanna Tootsie Pop?
Nekalith, also known as N, was the brick-red dragon. Unlike V, her wings were proportioned to the rest of her body. She was also more stoutly built. She looked around. "I think this one's been watching too much TV…"
San was a pale human with a medium build. She had hazel eyes, silver clothes, and dark brown hair. She also had an arrow through her head for some reason. She smiled. "Then a-hunting we shall go!"
Tapioca, AKA T, was extremely pale. Her eyes never stayed one color for some odd reason, although you could barely tell, since she wore sunglasses a lot. She had slate grey hair, and dressed mostly in dark red. She sighed. "So many clichés, so little time…"
T and San jumped on the backs of the two dragons and went off to…er…"hunt"
***
First, things first. The scene of the escape. Hikaness took Daniel and Esau to her basement, the living space of Chris Podima for who-knows-how-long.
When they arrived, Hika decided to call some friends. Esau went into the basement while she make her calls…
It was a dark, dark room. A door opened. A chain rattled, and with a soft clicking sound, the room was filled with harsh, yellow light. A simple staircase was against the opposite wall, and several boxes were scattered all over the place.
Esau walked down the stairs. "Hmm," he said. "Perfect environment for Podima. He picked up a box at the foot of stairs and shook his head. "Perfect food source as well."
Hika walked down the stairs. "Well, I tried. How did he get out?"
"Simple," Esau commented. He nodded in the direction of the door. "Through the door."
Silence for a bit. Hika nodded. "Uh...huh. My puzzlement was geared more towards how he managed to OPEN the door."
"He didn't open the door," Esau deducted.
"Then who did?" she asked impatiently.
"A typo twin." He tapped the box and handed it to Hikaness.
She took it without even looking at the label. "Generic Brand Rats. So what?"
"Look closer."
Hika reads the label out loud. "Gemeric Bran Ratts...specially formulated for typo twins?!"
"Exactly," Esau announced. "We have of a typo twin of Chris Podima running around, and almost certainly helping him."
"And if they want to make an alliance with the Mary-Sues…"
"…then the first place they'll go is the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Center. Let's go."
They both ran back up the stairs. The lights turned off, and the door slammed behind
"Um...guys?" Daniel's voice was heard. "GUYS?! HEY! IT'S DARK DOWN HERE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! Whoops!" Daniel apparently slipped, crashing into things, and causing other stuff to make small explosions. There was a shrill, screeching noise in the darkness. "What the-" Daniel started, before letting out a gasp.
***
A 12 year old female with wavy, auburn hair and a short, skinny, strapless, red dress walked in. She reminds people vaguely of Jessica Rabbit. "My name is Jessica," She announced. "I've seen many things in my life but... none as terrible as this. The Sues are taking over. They won't get to me though. They're scared of me. For some reason... unknown."
A dim spotlight appeared over Jessica. "They've been trying to get to me. Corrupt my mind. Turn me even more evil than I already am." There's an explosion in the background. "I must go! They must have found a way to get to me! To my mind!" She ran out of the room, but not as fast as usual, because of her high-heeled shoes.
***
In a field just outside a large dairy farm, something that appears to be a large overturned can is set on the ground. This is the Aluminum Trashcan, a small division of the Cardboard Box. A barefooted girl with long, chestnut brown hair and a guitar, a petite young woman with short and very dark brown hair, and a lanky boy with black hair are standing around a girl with a long braid of light brown hair. She is unconscious. Finally, the guitar-wielding girl speaks up "…So what happened to Jorinna again, Tina?"
Tina, the petite, dark-haired young woman, took a swig of straight black coffee from a large thermos and rubbed her temples. "She started screaming about the end of the world and flailing around. Gave me a headache. Whydja have to give her such a loud scream, StarKate?"
StarKate prodded the unconscious Jorinna with her instrument, but to no avail. "How come she's unconscious?"
Tina glanced sharply at the black haired boy, who was looking belligerently at StarKate and fingering a menacing looking spatula. "How do you think? Max got tired of her screaming."
StarKate looked angrily at the black haired boy. "MAX!"
"What?!" he asked defensively. "She's your loudest OC!"
"She also predicts the future!" StarKate told him. "Goddess on a Stick, she might have seen something important!"
Max scoffed at this. "Yeah, right. Come on, what could happen to the Cardboard Box? Even Sauron is afraid of you fangirls. You'd have to be as insane as Hika to try and attack the Cardboard Box."
"You were here first," said Tina, pointing at him. "What did Jorinna say?"
Max scratched his head. StarKate was still prodding Jorinna, unsurprisingly with no reaction whatsoever. "Mary. . . something about Mary Sues. . . and that the basement was open. She probably came across a bad Mary Sue. I TOLD StarKate not to give her stupid OCs access to the internet, but does she listen to ME? Nooo."
Tina glared at Max. "I am one of those 'stupid OCs,' thank you very much." Tina's face suddenly turned very white. "Max…she said the basement was open?"
"Yeah," he answered. "I told you, she's nuts."
"Max, who do we know who is kept locked up in a basement?"
Max scratched his head. "Uh…"
"Chris Podima, you moron!"
"What?" StarKate sat up. "A Random Guy Named Chris Podima is loose?"
"Might very well be," Tina answered. "But why'd she mention Mary Sues?"
A sudden rumbling in the distance caught the three's attention.
"Looks like the Giant Wombats are on the move again," Max observed.
"Max," Starkate said. "The Giant Wombats live in MY head, not in the Cardboard Box!"
"Then what is that?" Max said, pointing at a cloud of dust that was rapidly moving towards the Aluminum Trashcan.
Suddenly, to the horror of the threesome, the sound of beautiful voices singing crappy 21st century pop tunes drifted to their ears. StarKate, the music lover of the bunch, doubled up in pain with her hands over her ears. Tina's eyes widened in the sheerest horror.
"Oh God!" Tina shouted. "It's an army of Mary Sues!"
Max screamed like a little girl. "No way I'm sticking around for this!" He ran towards StarKate and jumped at her head, disappearing mid-jump. Tina snorted at the cowardice of imaginary friends and started to kick StarKate.
"Get up," she yelled, "get up you! We have to get out of here or the 'Sues will trample us!"
StarKate was rocking back and forth. "Nick Carter. . . Britney Spears. . . Tiinaaaa, make the bad music go 'way!"
Somewhere, a female, non-Mary-Sue voice said that BSB sang really well, compared to N*Stink.
"They'll roll right over us and keep going right into the Cardboard Box!" Tina announced. "We have to warn everyone!"
"But neither of us are in good enough shape to outrun Mary Sues!" StarKate announced.
Tina groaned. "So get Odorf to fly us there, you polka-dotted idiot!"
StarKate jumped up. "Oh yeah!"
Tina pulled Jorinna into the Aluminum Trashcan as quickly as she could, while StarKate started jumping up and down and screaming her dragons name at the top of her lungs. Just as Tina shut the door of the Aluminum Trashcan, a large ice-blue dragon landed next to StarKate, and she jumped on his back.
"There's an army of Mary Sues headed this way!" Odorf announced.
"We noticed," Tina commented, climbing onto Odorf's back.
"Take us to the Cardboard Box, Odorf!" StarKate begged.
"Gladly."
The dragon lifted off just before the Mary Sues came stampeding past the Aluminum Trashcan. Neither StarKate nor Tina failed to notice that most of them seemed to be yelling the name of their favorite hobbit.
"Chris Podima," Tina deducted. "It has to be. No LotR character would EVER enlist the aid of 'Sues."
StarKate started shouting to anyone who would listen. She also shouted to people who wouldn't listen. "THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!"
"You sound like a bad parody of Paul Revere…" Tina noted.
"Shaddup and help me warn everyone. THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!"
***
T, N, V, and San were in midair, looking down at a massive heard of 'Sues, stampeding through the lush green countryside.
"Oh, joy," said T. "Clichés, AND Mary-Sues!"
N looked around. "Time to call in the draclings, I guess…"
"Huh?" V suddenly looked up. "Why?"
San rolled her eyes. "Only younger people can eat vast amounts of sweets and not die of sugar high! And we've ALL dined on Mary Sues…"
Everyone shuddered, remembering the stomachaches.
"Nekalith and I'll get backup," T announced as she shaded her eyes. "I don't want to be around when you guys rip into the 'Sues."
V grinned deviously. "Ah, 'Sues. The other, other, other, other, other, other, OTHER urple meat!"
San smiled 'innocently' before pulling out a flame-thrower, a guillotine, and a squirt gun of mud, catsup and mustard. Grinning, she said, "I love my job!"
T and N flew off, and San and V had their…'Fun,' shouting things like "I got her hair!!!" and "I got the eyes!"
…Um, YEAH…
***
A short guy with spiky, dirty-blonde hair and dark blue eyes was stalking around the Cardboard Box with his can of urple spray paint, in case he saw Chris and Chriss. His name was Pan. Pan's Boyfriend, Lee, was stalking Pan. Lee was tall, with dark hair and blue eyes.
"STOP STALKING ME, YOU FOOL!" Pan shouted.
Lee smiled 'innocently.' "Who, me? I'm not stalking you!"
"YES YOU ARE!"
"Nope. I would never do such a thing."
Pan walked off, muttering something about crack and a monkey.
Later…
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP STALKING ME!" Pan shouted…again.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I WASN'T STALKING YOU!" Lee shouted back.
Pan gave up. "It's hopeless..."
Lee smiled. "Gets him every time."
"Oh you…WAIT! What's this?"
Our heros have found a clue! It looks like a footprint! Stay tuned for another chapter with a cliff-hanger ending!