Esau cleared his throat. "Umm...excuse me?"
"WeEeEeEeEeEeEeEEEEEE!" She kept spinning.
Éomer sweat dropped. "Hello, and welcome to the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit...thing. I am Éomer son of Éomund. May I help you?"
"'Son of Éomund'? That's a strange last name," CBB observed.
"Hey! That was my father's name!" Éomer anounced, miffed.
"'Son of Éomund'?"
"No, Éom--never mind," Éomer said, giving up. "How can I help you gentlemen, and most lovely of ladies?"
She stopped spinning. "Hey!"
Éomer looked closer. "Wait a minute...I recognize you...you're the one that made me marry...HER!" he shouted, pointing at She.
"Oh," She noticed the guests for the first time. "HI, HIKA!"
"Please, people!" Esau held up his hands. "Did you see two veeeery similar men in here early, asking for some Recon files?"
"Uh-huh!" She nodded, smiling. "They wanted Frodo Mary-Sues with bad grammar."
Hika screamed. Loudly. No one blamed her.
"…Oops."
"Frodo Mary-Sues?!" Esau said. "It's worse than I thought. Podima's going to take over the whole Cardboard Box...using THOSE vile creatures!"
"Wait a minute…" She thought a bit. "THAT was A Random Guy Named Chris Podima? But he seemed so nice..."
Éomer slapped his forehead.
"Did he say where he was going?" Esau asked.
She shook her head. "Uh-uh. What a jerk! Taking advantage of my delicate mental state and tricking me like that! I...I need some time by myself to rethink my life..." The woman picked up a magazine and shuffled into the bathroom.
Esau stared for a bit. "Right." He looked at Éomer. "Do you know where Podima went?"
"I'm sorry; we don't know."
Esau slammed his fist on the table. "Drat! And we were so close to Podima, too! Come on...we'll find him yet..."
Hika and Esau left, muttering. CBB stayed and stared at Éomer.
"What?" he asked uncomfortably.
"So your name is 'Éomer no, Éom--never mind'?" CBB asked.
Éomer sighed. "Would you just get out of here already?!"
"Right! Sorry!"
As CBB rushed out, Éomer sat down in She's chair and lit up a pipe. "I need to get out of here."
***
Once again, Jessica appears, wearing the same clothes, but she was outside in the garden. "Last time I was out here... The Sue attacked me. It was the bloodiest fight ever. But I survived."
Benemirian, Jessica's red-eyed, black dragon, came out and sat on Jess's shoulder. Small dragon.
"The sues are terrible," Ben said monotonously. "There tried to kill me. It was.. horrible."
"I know, Ben." Jessica walked over to a tree and was magically wearing leather pants and a red leather bikini top. She jumped into the tree. "This is my look-out spot. Where I watch for 'Sues."
As fate would have it, Odorf chose that exact moment to swoop by that very tree where Jessica was on the lookout for Mary-Sues.
"THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!"
Tina had her ears covered. "Gawdalmighty, you scream louder than Jorinna!"
"But this is a crisis!" Kate announced. "I HAVE to scream!"
***
Jessica was in the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit where she would soon do... something.
She Who Gives Migraines came out of the bathroom. "I get it! I have to feed the monkey! THAT'S my purpose in life. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! EHEHEHEHEEEE!" She looked at Jessica. "Who're you?"
"Hello. is this the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit?"
She and Eomer nodded.
"I see," Jess said. "Well then. I'm Jessica Night, here to help you stop the 'Sues once and for all. They're afraid of me, you see. They'll wrecklessly go near me but they will not fight me. We can use that fear to our advantage. Do you agree?"
She merely glitter of glittered.
Jess waited.
She blinked again.
Éomer stared.
She glared. "Y'know...Mary-Sues generally have power over people like that, too. A power to do the unexplained. If you have the same power, then you must be...A MARY-SUE!"
"What?!" Jess shouted. "No! I'm not a--"
But it was useless. She was already running aound and screaming. "AAAAAHHHH!!!! ÉOMER! BURN THE FILES! SHE CAN NEVER BE ALLOWED TO KNOW THE LOCATION OF HER BRETHEREN!" She pulled out a lighter, opened the nearest file cabinent, and set the files on fire.
"SWEET BEMA!" Éomer shouted. "NOOOO!"
Jessica backed away slowly.
"QUICK, ÉOMER!" She shouted. "WE'LL ESCAPE OUT THE WINDOW! RUUUUN!"
"NO, SHE!" Éomer yelled while trying to put out the fire. "WE'RE TEN STORIES UP! SHE! DOOON'T!"
"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, MARY-SUE! OR MY FILES! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA! SWEET LIBERTY FROM BADFIC, HERE I COME! AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!" With that, the crazed fangirl jumped out the window.
"BEMA!" Éomer pulled off his shirt and starts beating out the flames.
"Umm…" Jess walked to the door. "I'll just...go then," she said as she ran out.
Ten floors down, She simply said "Owie…"
****
In the Slytherin common room…
"I never knew She'd go against me," Jessica looked down. "I have no allies anymore. No one to trust."
"There's still me," Draco said. "And Tom, too."
Tom randomly appeared. "Hey. What's up?"
Jess sighed. "Everyone thinks I'm a Mary-Sue because all the other Mary-Sues are afraid of me. None of the people in this scheme to get rid of MS's are on my side. There's only you two now."
Tom sat down next to Jess and put his arm around her. "We're with you all the way."
"Thank you," she said.
"Let's get this adventure on with then," Draco announced. "Mary-Sues really creep me out."
"We know," Tom and Jess said. With that, all three of them left.
***
"AHA! A CLUE! Look, Lee!"
Lee glanced at it. "So it's a footprint. Big deal."
"But not just any footprint!" Pan observed. "It's a CHRIS PODIMA footprint!"
"So?"
Pan smacked his head in frustration. "Sometimes I wonder what I see in you.... This means that we're one step closer to finding Podima!"
"Oh," Lee said before he started following Pan again, humming "Die Another Day."
"SHUT! UP!" Pan shouted.
"OK...no need to yell, love," Lee said.
Pan did an anime sweat drop. "We need quite for this mission. If Podima hears us, he'll run away."
"Oh. "
Both followed a trail of strangely glowing urpley footprints to a small room in the back of the Cardboard Box.
"Ssshhh!" said Pan.
"I am 'ssshhh!'"
Pan did an anime fall. "Just listen."
"OK."
Two voices were heard inside the room.
***
Chris was laughing evilly. "Our plan is perfect, Chriss! We will be able to take over the Cardboard Box soon enough!"
"But why the Mary-Sues?"
"Because! They disrupt the canon and the fangirls here hate them!"
"That makes sense…" Chriss said.
"Of course it does! I came up with it! And I'm an evil genius, aren't I? Now, go get me some food."
***
Pan was shaking. "N-not the M-M-Mary-Sues!"
"What's a Mary-Sue?"
"A sickeningly perfect girl. She disrupts canon. And all the guys fall in love with her."
Lee shuddered. "Scaaaary."
Pan blinked. "I think I have a plan!"
"Oh, what?!"
"They probably won't be very tolerant of homosexuals, right?"
"I guess..."
"So we can can defend the Cardboard Box!"
"...How?"
Pan sweat dropped. "We can scare them off. Easily. Or we could just hire the PPC..."
***
Tom, Jess, and Draco are in a place that looks sickeningly perfect.
"Is sickeningly a word?" Draco asked.
"Why?" Jess asked.
"Because it describes this place."
"That it does."
A Chirraray snuck up behind Jessica, knocked her out, then ran away.
"Oh my God!" Tom shouted has he ran over to Jess, followed by Draco.
***
"Hey!" CBB said. "HEY! WATCH OUT!"
SPLAT!
She looked around. "I'M ALIVE! But how?"
"Owwie..."
She looked down. "HI CBB! HOW ARE YOU?!"
"Get...off..."
"Oh!" she smiled and got up. "Ok!"
CBB got up. "Ow..."
She stared at him. "Weren't you just here? You came right before the Mary-Sue!"
"What?" he was confused. "I never came here! I just got here looking for Esau! I've got to warn him!"
"Warn him about what?"
"That." He pointed behind her.
She turned around. "Hika! HIIIIIIII!!!"
"HIIIIIIII!"
Both did the funky chicken.
"Weren't you just here?" She asked.
Hika blinked. "Was I? CBB?"
"Well, I-um. I don't remember."
"Remember what?" She asked.
"I dunno."
Everyone blinked.
She looked around. "Wasn't Esau here with you?"
Hika blinked again. "No. We just got here."
"Then where's Esau?"
Suddenly, there was a distant scream.
"Hey...what's that?" CBB asked.
Everyone looked around.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-oomf! I'M ALIVE!"
"The...pain..." CBB groaned as Éomer got up.
CBB continued to lie on the ground. "Pain...oh well." He got up. "Who are you?"
"Éo-wait. I'm not doing THAT again."
"...Your name is Éo-wait-I'm-not-doing-that-again?"
"NO!" Éomer shouted. "We just went through this!"
"Did we?"
"YES!"
"I'm sure I would've remembered..."
~Meanwhile~
Somewhere over the Cardboard Box, StarKate and Tina were still swooping around on Odorf, screaming about Mary Sues...well, StarKate was screaming anyway.
"THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY--"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!" Tina shouted. "THERE'S NO ONE HERE TO HEAR US!"
"But I have to WAAARN them!" StarKate whined.
"But there's no one here to w. . . wait a minute. . . isn't that She?"
"The one standing at the foot of the ten story building with CBB and Hika? Right beneath a flaming window? Inside which Eomer is frantically trying to put flames out on his spiffy Rohirric garb? And now he just jumped out and landed on CBB?
"That would be She then."
"HEEEEEEEEY!"
Odorf landed next to She, and StarKate jumped off her dragon and prodded She. "Hiya She! You don't look so good. Whatcha doin here? Oh, by the way, the Mary Sues are coming."
~Meanwhile~
Esau, Hikaness, and CBB were in a car.
Silence.
"Can I turn the radio on?" Hika asked.
"Go ahead," Esau said.
"RADIO DISNEY!" CBB shouted.
Hikaness turned on the radio.
"-eaking news. An invasion of Mary-Sues is overwhelming the United Internet States! To no one's surprise, Fanfiction.Net-Town is the center of the invasion, which is moving steadily towards Deep-Ice.com City. A wave of authors, authoresses, fangirls, and fanboys are fleeing their homes with their fiction, trying to save it from the demonic influence of the Mary-Sues. Many have been overtaken by the Sues. It is not known what has happened to them. Now we go to George Henrikson at Geocities City. George?"
"Tom, Geocities is right at the frontline of the invasion. We can hear the singing and laughing of the Sues as they rampage through the city. Several thousand authors and their works have been captured. We-" The sound of a door banging open was heard.
A feminine voice said over the radio, "Hi there! I'm an average girl who is a master at judo! Wheee! You're cute!"
"No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Esau switched radio off. "There's got to be a source to all this. Podima must have an HQ where he's coordinating the invasion."
"But where?" Hika asked.
"The place we'd least expect...the Cardboard Box."
***
Banging was heard distantly. A black, blue spotted giraffe named Kiki was shaking a girl with bright red hair and fairly large (and rarely functioning) wings named Magical Flying Cupcake (normally shortened to MFC) franticly. "Ummm…I think somethings going on."
"Huh? Wha? WOAH!" MFC jumped up, revealing that she was wearing a T-shirt with the words 'The badgers live forever' on it. "I must've fallen alseep while I was plotting my revenge on whoever stole my cookie."
The banging got louder, so MFC went to the door and looked through peep whole. Gasping, she said, "Oh, Fried Chicken, this looks bad."
"What?" a guy with green skin, big blue eyes, and short blonde hair asked. His name was Mick.
"Mary-Sues!" MFC announced. "Hundreds of them! They're everywhere!"
Everyone gasped.
"What are we gonna do?" a girl with middle-length, curly brown hair and a vacant expression asked. This was Tamatha.
"Well, *I* need to contact the Cheese Grater/Wooden Spoon so I can figure out what's going on," MFC said.
"Why him?"
"Because he's my best spy! Don't you people listen to A WORD I SAY?!"
"What?" Mick asked, distracted by The Flying Cow With Wings.
She slapped her forehead.
"So what can we do to help?" Kiki asked.
"Lock every door and window in the house!" MFC told them. "Make sure there's no way for the Mary-Sues to get in!" She got out a video phone and dialed a number.
Cheese Grater/Wooden Spoon appeared on the screen.
"What's going on Che-" MFC stopped. "You know what? I'm just gonna call you Brett. What's going on Brett? There are Mary-Sues everwhere! Their voices, they're so grotesquely perfect I can barely think."
'Brett' said, "Let me guess. You fell asleep in the mist of a crisis again. It's A Random Guy Named Chris Podima, he's escaped, has a typo-twin, they're banning together with the Mary-Sues, and they're going to try to take over the Cardboard Box!"
"That's horrible! Where is everyone?"
"You'll find most at the front of the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit."
"I'm on it," said MFC as she summoned her giant Flying Forks of DOOM.
"Wait!" Kiki shouted. "What about us? We want to help!"
"You can stay here and make sure no one gets in; there's valuble information in here that need protecting."
"But Iz-" Tamatha started before MFC interupted her.
"HUSH!! How many times have I told you my real name cannot be spoken! I am The Magical Flying Cupcake, but NEVER Izzy." Realizing what she just said, she slapped her forehead. "Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit!"
"Nice job," said Mick.
"Shutup," Tamatha told him.
"You shutup."
"You shutup."
"You shutup."
"You shutup."
"You shutup."
"You shutup"
"BOTH OF YOU SHUTUP!" MFC yelled. "Now, I'm off to see what I can do, you all stay here and ward off the Mary-Sues. I'll have the goafers come and help you. Good luck." She flew off on her giant Flying Fork of DOOM..
***
"AMSA Agent Millikov Reporting for Duty!" Millikov said. "Now I don't know in Yavanna's name is going on, but there's been a huge influx of Mary Sues, and the mole says that they're going to try to hijack the Cardboard Box. I'm on it. No matter how cliched the Mary Sue is, the ASMA (Anti Mary sue Authors) will stop her/it. And Millikov is on the case. No need for backup, as long as I've got my trusty comrades Ascafalath and Celeporn with me.
A deformed elf named Ascafalath said, "Yesss....do it for the preciousss..."
The MiniBalrog, Celeporn, gnashed his teeth.
"Hang on Hika, we're coming. Off we go. Weeh!"
For some reason, they were never heard from again.
***
A short, skinny, brown-eyed girl with shoulder-length brown hair with copper, red, and blond streaks said "Ssshhh!!!" Yes, that was her hair color. And it was natural too. Go figure. She was Chel the Elf. The Urple Flying Penguins were following Chel. Under her breath, Chel said "Soy loco?"
"Si," an Urple Flying Penguin answered. "Tu eres."
"Shaddap," she said.
"Why are we here again?"
"Because you're urple. Now go in there and kidnap Podima and his typo twin before I sic Evan on you!"
"OK! "