The fourth mask is revealed: see first installment for disclaimers.
Once again, we've got a shonen-ai pairing featured in this installment. If you don't like it, then please don't bother reading it.
~ * Mask of Ignorance * ~
Please don't tell me how worthless and stupid I am; I already know.
Pretty much everybody I care for keeps telling me that, after all, so it must be true. How could everybody else be wrong, after all? The more you hear something, the easier it is to accept it as being right.
It's too hard to argue otherwise. Nobody ever wants to admit that they're wrong, so about the worst thing you can do if you want anybody to even pretend they like you is just go along with whatever they say.
And like I said, everybody keeps telling me the exact same thing. Strangers, acquaintances, friends… or what passes for my friends…
Even Cyandog… well, Krosserdog now… has let me know I'm a terrible medafighter. He could do so much better than me; I've known that ever since he defeated Metabee. It was all thanks to Dr. Aki's help… not mine… He even said as much.
It's my fault Cyandog ended up becoming Krosserdog, too. If it wasn't for me being such a lousy medafighter, he wouldn't have run away. If I hadn't given up so easily after finding out he didn't want me and bought that new DOG-type body, he would have given me a second chance and wouldn't have gone on that rampage. If I'd figured things out sooner, he wouldn't have had to fight Metabee and nearly get killed in the process.
If I wasn't such an idiot, I wouldn't have nearly lost my best friend.
It's something I'm reminded of every time I look at him in his new body. I could have taken it back afterwards and gotten another Cyandog body – I still have all those extra parts at home, carefully put away – but I chose not to.
It was because I was stupid that Cyandog 'died'. Krosserdog's my constant reminder of just what an idiot I can be.
I have to listen to others and do what they say is right, because I can't trust myself even with my own medabot.
Thing is, even though I want to always go along with what everybody else says is right, there are things I just can't change no matter how hard I try.
No matter what I try, I'm still a horrible medafighter. I'm just not good enough to be like Boss, or Sloan, or Ikki… Heck, I probably couldn't even beat Brass and Erika if I tried!
…Not that I will. It'd just be a waste of time.
Another thing is that I can't bring myself to like girls the way I'm supposed to. I've tried, but it's just as pointless as trying to be a better medafighter. Even with the cute, wonderful girls I have as my friends, I just can't bring myself to see any of them the way I should.
First and foremost, of course, is Boss… or Samantha or Sam, what have you. Just don't call her Pretty Sammy if you value your life. Boss has it all: power, beauty and skill. She has everything it takes to go all the way to the top: even though she's not in the top three yet, she's been steadily climbing in the rankings. Koji and Ikki are going to be very surprised when she finally busts in and takes her rightful spot at the top.
Not only is she strong, she's an absolute knockout – both figuratively and literally. I don't know why she tries to mask so much of her natural… Ahem… talents behind that loose black top and jean jacket she's so fond of. If she showed a bit more skin now and then, maybe let down her long silky hair, I'm certain guys wouldn't be so quick to dismiss her in favor of someone like Karin, the eternal 'perfect dream girl'.
Did I mention that Boss also scares the crap out of me?
Then there's Karin, miss 'Legendary Medafighter' herself – but only because nobody could bring themselves to fight such a fragile doll. She's the perennial untouchable one, the girl all guys are supposed to fantasize about and yearn for. Yeah, she's pretty – even somebody as 'stupid' as me could see that – but she's also about as sheltered and naïve as they come… At least she acts that way. Having seen her robattling with Neutranurse, however, I can't help but wonder how much of that innocence is an act – for somebody so trusting and compassionate, she sure is one heck of a medafighter. Better than me, though I guess that goes without saying.
She scares the crap out of me, too.
And how could anybody forget about Erika, our resident junior reporter and the girl most likely to stick her nose where it doesn't belong? She has her sweet moments, and is pretty cute too, though most of the time you couldn't tell thanks to the camera blocking her face. Just like Boss or Karin, she gets what she wants: it's just that she uses wit and cleverness to get it instead of strength or charm.
I probably don't even have to mention just how much she terrifies me.
For some reason, I've never been able to look at them the way I know a normal young man my age should. I've tried to pretend of course, to follow all the trends and act like I'm into the latest cute girl sensation, but… I just can't get myself to feel the way I know is supposed to be right.
The only one I've ever been able to feel things like that for is… somebody I know I can't have. Not just because so many people say it's wrong but… because he's way out of my league.
I should know. After all, he's only told me so himself so many times.
Of course, it wasn't exactly in those words… but it all amounts to the same thing.
He's everything I wish I could be: high-ranked, respected, handsome, with a winning smile that just makes me melt inside whenever I see it… though it's never been because of me. No, he absolutely hates me, hates everything about me.
That's what he's told me time and again, and how could I blame him? After all, I'm nothing compared to him.
When the Phantom Renegade told me I had to be Space Medafighter X in place of him, even though I was horrified, a part of me was also thrilled. I fought my fear, because I was finally getting the chance to impress him.
I'd be fighting right alongside him! If I could somehow help pull though and bring in the win, maybe I'd be able to work up the courage to tell him how I felt! If we managed to win, he'd have to know I wasn't so worthless, right…?
Who was I trying to kid?
He noticed me, all right… noticed just how worthless I was in a robattle. When we were training, and Krosserdog accidentally shot his medabot… I nearly died right there. It didn't help when he immediately started screaming at me, telling me again right in front of everybody how stupid and useless I was, and that we'd lose all because of me…
That wasn't the worst, though. The worst came during the match itself.
Why did I ever have to walk into that ring? Why couldn't I have gotten Boss or Sloan or anyone else to take my place?
The battle wasn't going well, and I panicked: I wanted so badly to help out… But when I tried to get Krosserdog to attack, guess what happened? I ended up hurting them again.
Then he glared at me again, let me know again how stupid and useless and worthless I was, and that I was the weakest link, and that we'd lose just because he was unfortunate enough to have me as a partner…
I hadn't thought things could get worse, but they did. He ended up getting into trouble – big trouble – and his medabot was about to get finished off by all three of the other team's medabots.
Again, I panicked, and I yelled at Krosserdog to do something.
I couldn't believe it when it actually paid off. Somehow, Krosserdog managed to pull though. He… sacrificed himself to save my crush's medabot, nearly sent himself offline just to help out because I said so.
It was all my fault that my own medabot got hurt, again. If I hadn't been so stupid…
Afterwards, when Metabee pulled through for the win, I wanted to talk to my crush, but the words just wouldn't come. Not that it mattered, though. He didn't even want to look at me, much less talk.
He never really bothered to make an honest apology for what he said, either. Why should he? He was right all along…
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm always just the stupid one, the idiot, the one who can't do anything right.
So why do I even torture myself hoping that I might actually see those violet eyes twinkling happily at me someday? Why do I want to believe that he'll ever see me as a reason to smile?
What in the world would the number two ranked medafighter in all Japan ever want with the lowest ranked medafighter in all Japan…?