Author: Gold (E-mail: goldenstarlight@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: Squaresoft owns rights to FINAL FANTASY VIII. I own rights to the storyline of this tale.

The Dish: An Angsty Seiftis

Part 11: One Step Into The Unknown

Quistis stood still in the darkness. It was a neutral sort of darkness, neither threatening, nor safe. It was a little like the darkness of space—there was darkness in spite of the light. She was only certain of one thing—she had to move on and walk on ahead. But her feet were heavy, as if there were balls and chains attached to it, and she made little progress. She felt no physical pain. Here, on the way out of life, she left her aches and injuries behind. But with her she still carried memories of him. Seifer. Every step she made was weighed down by thoughts of him. It was as if she was not ready to leave him, and he was calling her back.

But I have to, she reminded herself. I can't go back to life, and then die by inches every day, while he loves Rinoa. She lifted her chin, setting her teeth together as she held back tears. She would go on, into that utter darkness. Somewhere in the distance, she could discern a faint light that shimmered in a welcoming sort of way. And that light was her destination—eternal rest from pain.

Quistis! Quistis! Stop!

She stopped, hardly able to believe her ears. That sounds like Seifer…She forced herself to turn around very, very slowly.

And it was Seifer. He was moving very slowly towards her, as if something strong was pushing against him, preventing his progress. His face was a mask of anguish—was it for her? He stretched out one hand pleadingly towards her—was he reaching for her?

Seifer?

Quistis! Please, wait for me. Don't go. Please, don't go.

It had to be a figment of her imagination. Quistis' eyes filled with sudden tears and she prepared to turn away. The real Seifer Almasy would never have said that. He would never ask her not to leave. He would watch her as she left and then turn his back away, because she didn't matter to him. The bands around her heart squeezed fiercely and she gave a quiet, slightly choked sob as she turned her face away from the imaginary Seifer.

Instructor, please don't leave me!          

Quistis' head snapped up and she stared.

Seifer's voice was pleading.

Quis, come back to me. Come back. I can't live without you. Hyne damn it, what's wrong with this place? Why can't I move any faster?

The frustration in his voice was palpable.

Still Quistis hesitated. Is that—is that really you, Seifer? Her voice was soft, shaky and questioning.

Yes, it's me, Quisty. I've come to bring you back. Please.

Quistis lowered her eyes. Why? I'll be happier where I'm going. I can't go back with you. I'm dying. I'm already…dead.

NO! I won't let you die! Quis, please fight back. Matron says you're only dying because you won't fight back.   

Matron? Quistis' face rapidly flushed scarlet, then went white, and then scarlet again. Wh-what did Matron say about me?

She could see Seifer more clearly now. He was panting, his face flushed with apparent exertion and his eyes were fixed with great intensity on her face.

She says you're not fighting for your life. He held out both his hands, trying to reach her. Please fight, Quis, and come back to us.

Quis. He'd called her 'Quis'. The colour flooded Quistis' cheeks.

Please. Come back. We need you. Everyone needs you. Seifer bit his lip as he shot a glance at Quistis. Everyone. Would she understand? Everyone needed her—including him. He needed her most. If she walked away and died, he would go with her, walk with her, run after her if need be, and all the Matrons in the world couldn't stop him by breaking a physical connection. He couldn't breathe or live if he lost her and let her go just like that.

Nobody needs me.

The strong conviction in Quistis' silently spoken words stunned Seifer.

Everyone has somebody who loves them beyond anything and whom they love above all else, she told him, smiling quietly.

Seifer could see the smile on her face, but it cut deeper than a thousand Save The Queens, and it seemed to shed a river of tears all by itself.

You see…everyone has someone. Squall and Rinoa have each other, Irvine and Selphie have each other, Zell has his mother and his girlfriend, Matron has Cid and you have Matron to love you beyond anything, and you love her, and—and… everyone cares for someone and has someone to care for. Quistis' smile faded. But I'm different. I'm Quistis Trepe.

She flung out one hand, as if to say, there you have it. I'm not needed. And I know that. So tell the others for me, goodbye.

Don't leave me! Seifer was desperate as he struggled to reach her. Quistis, I need you. I—if you leave me now, I'll go with you. I won't let you go!

Her sigh was audible. Seifer. Go back.

Seifer's temper flared. I'm not leaving without you. Rinoa! I know you can hear me. Now if Quistis doesn't want to leave, I'm not leaving either. Don't bother answering me, Rinoa—you'd better save your strength.

Quistis listened with increasing astonishment, heightened by the sharp pain she felt when she heard Rinoa's name on Seifer's lips. But the pain was swamped under a greater amount of bewilderment and suspicion. She eyed Seifer narrowly, and decided that the suddenly arrogant, haughty look on Seifer's face—very different from the anguished pleading earlier—boded ill to her plans.

Whatever you're thinking, Seifer, you can forget about it, she informed him crisply, unable to hide the bitterness she felt. And what's Rinoa doing here?

Seifer studied her for a moment. Did she know how she looked like, he wondered painfully? He didn't see the Quistis he knew, and that had been his first shock when he had entered her mind. She looked at least fifteen years older than he knew her to be, and there were dark smudges under her eyes, and her cheeks were hollow. She was very thin, nearly skin and bone, and the radiance that glowed through her skin told a pitiful story of the bright inner essence that was still present within the worn outer covering. This was Quistis Trepe in her own mind. He wanted to know who had done this to her—who had hurt her so badly that it battered her true self almost beyond recognition. If he told her what she wanted to know—Rinoa and the task Matron had given him—would she tell him everything in return?

Matron says you're not fighting for your life. I think that means that you're not supposed to die, he said, watching her. Rinoa's power brought me here to talk to you—

Then I suggest you go back. Quistis' voice was expressionless. Nothing can change my mind. Go back and don't waste any more strength—don't waste any of Rinoa's strength.

Seifer glared at her. I told you, I'm not leaving until you promise to return to us and to fight for your life! Why are you like this, Quistis? Why won't you listen to me? His voice was heavy with anger and frustration. Who hurt you, Quisty? Who made you believe nobody cares for you? Who hurt you this way?

He saw her grow white in a flash, and knew that he had struck pay dirt.  Now the fury rose in him and he nearly choked with rage. Who had dared to hurt her? WHO? Tell me who hurt you and I'll make him pay, he nearly snarled. Who? Was it—Squall?

He had always known that Quistis carried a torch for Puberty Boy. Months he'd spent in his instructor's class, and she'd had only eyes for that blasted fool who didn't know the number of a good hair salon, and who had stolen Rinoa's heart from him.  Seifer suddenly found himself overwhelmed with jealousy, and he stood silently, fists clenched.

Was it Squall? He lunged forward, trying to reach her, but whatever was slowing him down was doing too good a job and he moved all of three inches forward, which was a big help. Tell me! I knew it was him all along, that—

Shut up! Quistis screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks, her fists clenched by her sides. It wasn't him, you idiot, it was never him! Never him! Never…him…

Not Squall? Then—who…who…? Seifer felt something strange stirring inside him—

Seifer…hurry! I can't…hold…

Rinoa's voice startled both of them. It brought Quistis to her feet immediately. She stood tall and alert, and Seifer swallowed as he watched her. In spite of everything, she was every inch a queen, her dignity intact, her poise perfect. And, Quistis-style, she forgot her troubles and attended to others first.

Rinoa, is that you? Don't hold on. Get Seifer away from here. I don't want anything to happen to either of you. I'm going now.—Goodbye.

Quis…tis…don't…Seifer felt his vision begin to blur and he understood as he felt, actually felt someone shaking him. Angered, he bent his energies to yelling.  Rinoa, tell Matron to stop it! I'm never leaving without Quistis!

You'll be trapped! wailed Rinoa's disembodied voice.

Yah, yah, Seifer informed anybody who was listening. He faced Quistis, eyes burning in a face that was set with grim determination. I'm not leaving without you, now or ever again. If you're going—wherever you go, I'm following. Nothing can stop me, Quistis, not even you, and I'll die if I have to, do you understand me?

Quistis' mouth trembled. No. Please, Seifer, go back. Don't follow. You'll break Matron's heart. Please. Seifer, go back before it's too late! Go back! You can't leave them all behind!  She wondered if she should mention Rinoa's name, but the thought nearly killed her—she could never bear to ask him to go back for Rinoa's sake. Seifer, go! Her voice was rising to a shriek now. I want to be left alone, don't you see, I want to die…

Seifer froze in disbelief. She—wanted—to die…

His distraction cost him precious time as Rinoa's strength slipped and he felt Matron give him a sharp shake that tore his hand from Quistis' in the real world. As his fingers parted from hers, he saw his vision dimming and Quistis' image flickering in his mind. In a last desperate attempt, he cried out to her.

Quistis, I can't live without you! I—