Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter
books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize
from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great
Terry Pratchett.
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Prologue
It was September the first, the day Hogwards School for Witchcraft and Wizardry opend its gates after the summer break to welcome its pupils and teachers, new ones and old ones, but especially the new ones. And the first step of it all was the sorting. Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at their house´s table watching the ceremony. It was like evey year before. Children were called out by their names, put the hat on their head and then it said in which house they belonged in. After some time it was all over and the feast could almost begin. Almost.
"Dear students."
Prof. Dumbledore said, raising from his seat.
"Now before we begin, it is my sad duty to inform you, that Prof. Moody will, for reasons known to all of you, not teach Defence agains the Dark Arts this year."
There was a silent murmur.
"Never the less, I am glad to tell, that I found a more than just capable replacemet for him. So please welcome Prof. Rincewind, your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher."
It was now that the pupils noticed the person sitting next to the headmaster. It was a tall man, wearing old, ragged robes, that maybe had a colour you could call red in former times, but now not even showed a sing of it. Here and there were occult, unrecognizable symbols made of palliets that decided not to shimmer anymore a long time ago.
His face was unshaven even if you could figure out at the first look, that he definitly was not a man made for having a beard. On top of his head there was a hat, as shabby as his robes, with the word "wizzard" written on them with silvery gown. It seemed that the tailor did not have neither any information about grammar nor about how to use a needle. A little broken star formed the topping.
The thinn man looked very miserable, in every way possible, but managed a nervous smile towards the crow after some time.
"And this man will teach us this year?"
Ron looked from Harry to Hermione.
"I mean, look at him, not even prof. Lupin looked as miserable as he does. He seems to be the born looser and not a teacher."
"Oh, come on Ron, give him a chance. He´s new, and maybe he just had a turbulent life before today."
Said Hermione looking toward the teacher, but not sounding as confident as she wanted to. Harry looked in Rincewinds direction for some then turned to his friends.
"Sorry Hermione, but somehow I have the feeling, that the wizarding world will be in great problems as soon as he´ll begin to teach."
I. Lesson one: We get to know why languages are so important
When Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the classroom with the rest of the Gryffindors, they very soon found out that it was, well, empty. The only unexpeted object was a huge wodden luggage that was standing in the corner of the room.
"Seems he is not here."
Said Harry sitting down at his desk.
"Maybe he forgot about us."
But just at that moment the door swung open and a tall figure stepped into the light.
"Sorry, I had a little problem to wake up. The beds here, really the most comfortable I ever been sleeping in, honestly, but I thought I have to be awake on my first lesson, so I made some Klatchian coffee, and hell, now I really feel awake, and I think I will stay in such a state for the rest of the moth, dammit, well ehm..."
He stopped looking into the puzzeld faces of his students.
"Ehm, I think I forgot something, ehm, well, yes, I´m Rincewind, ehm prof. Rincewind, God how could I forget about that I´m a teacher now. If the Archchancellor could see me now, God he would not belive it. Oh, damn that stupid Klatichian coffee!"
There was silence as Rincewind looked at the class for a second time.
"Ehm, I think we should start, shouldn´t we? Well the most usefull way to protect yourself from any dark powers is,"
He paused,
"to run away. Believe me. Run. As fast as you can. Run, don´t look back, it will only cost time and if you see something really bad behinde you it will make you afraid, and tremble, and then it is over."
A whisper was going through the class, when Rincewind ended his explanations. Suddenly one hand raised, a hand belonging to noone else than Hermione Granger.
"Ehm, yes? Miss..."
"Granger, Hermione Granger, and excuse me professor if I´m wrong, but it´s defence against and not running from the dark arts. You should teach us how to fight and not how to run."
Rincewind gave her a stunned look.
"I hope you know, Miss Granger, that defence kills you more often than it saves you. Non the less, you are maybe right, I should teach you how to,"
He made a face like mentioning something very unpleasant,
"defend yourself."
With a shigh he turned towards the board.
"Let´s start with something easy then. I think languages will do."
With a dizzy move of his hand he took a pice of chalk and wrote some sentences on the board.
"As you can see here, "
He pointed at one of the sentences,
"this is Klatchian. And this, Omnian, the onthers are Ephebian and, well I will teach you them later on. Now look at the sentences carfully. Do you know what they mean?"
There was silence again. Not even Hermione tried to answer, for she didn´t know it.
"I see, ehm, this is in fact all the same sentence, and it means: ´Don´t kill me!´ Now repeat it."
After some seconds uf puzzlement the classbegan to speak. "Don´t kill me!"
"Very good, and now the others. They all mean ´Help´. A realy usefull word. Come on, say it."
"Help!"
"I am really pround of you. Now write these sentences down, and learn them by heart. Really it is important..."
Again there was a hand in the air.
"Professor, but I thought defence is something else than crying for help."
Rincewind gave Hermione a cold look.
"Well, Miss Granger, I will tell you something, I am a really expirienced wizard, I was in nearly every country that exists on the Discword, I was hunted by canibals, beaten up by robbers, kidnapped by insane dragon keepers, thrown into prison, nearly executed, burned, drowned, exploded, eaten up by birds and killed by the stupidity of a damned man called Twoflower who claimed to be interested in forgein culture. I was in hell, in the past, I visited the nowhere quite unvoluterely and was even in Death´s Domain. Not to forget that I was raised up in Ankh-Morpork, was a member of the Unseen University, saw and touched the Octavo and survived it and even that bloody stupid formula that is still stuck in my head. And now you´ll question yourself why I am still alive, and I´ll tell you little Miss, it´s because of these two statements, and because of the great gift to be able to run."
Suddenly there was a growling, coming from the corner.
"Oh, and of course because of luggage. So now, I´ll tell you better to learn what I thought you or I will get really angry, amd I really shoul stop drinking this damned coffee. You are dismissed."
And he walked out of the classroom.
"Wow, that was really an interesting lesson, strange, but interesting."
Said Ron as they got up.
"But tell me one thing, what on earth is the Discworld?"
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Prologue
It was September the first, the day Hogwards School for Witchcraft and Wizardry opend its gates after the summer break to welcome its pupils and teachers, new ones and old ones, but especially the new ones. And the first step of it all was the sorting. Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at their house´s table watching the ceremony. It was like evey year before. Children were called out by their names, put the hat on their head and then it said in which house they belonged in. After some time it was all over and the feast could almost begin. Almost.
"Dear students."
Prof. Dumbledore said, raising from his seat.
"Now before we begin, it is my sad duty to inform you, that Prof. Moody will, for reasons known to all of you, not teach Defence agains the Dark Arts this year."
There was a silent murmur.
"Never the less, I am glad to tell, that I found a more than just capable replacemet for him. So please welcome Prof. Rincewind, your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher."
It was now that the pupils noticed the person sitting next to the headmaster. It was a tall man, wearing old, ragged robes, that maybe had a colour you could call red in former times, but now not even showed a sing of it. Here and there were occult, unrecognizable symbols made of palliets that decided not to shimmer anymore a long time ago.
His face was unshaven even if you could figure out at the first look, that he definitly was not a man made for having a beard. On top of his head there was a hat, as shabby as his robes, with the word "wizzard" written on them with silvery gown. It seemed that the tailor did not have neither any information about grammar nor about how to use a needle. A little broken star formed the topping.
The thinn man looked very miserable, in every way possible, but managed a nervous smile towards the crow after some time.
"And this man will teach us this year?"
Ron looked from Harry to Hermione.
"I mean, look at him, not even prof. Lupin looked as miserable as he does. He seems to be the born looser and not a teacher."
"Oh, come on Ron, give him a chance. He´s new, and maybe he just had a turbulent life before today."
Said Hermione looking toward the teacher, but not sounding as confident as she wanted to. Harry looked in Rincewinds direction for some then turned to his friends.
"Sorry Hermione, but somehow I have the feeling, that the wizarding world will be in great problems as soon as he´ll begin to teach."
I. Lesson one: We get to know why languages are so important
When Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the classroom with the rest of the Gryffindors, they very soon found out that it was, well, empty. The only unexpeted object was a huge wodden luggage that was standing in the corner of the room.
"Seems he is not here."
Said Harry sitting down at his desk.
"Maybe he forgot about us."
But just at that moment the door swung open and a tall figure stepped into the light.
"Sorry, I had a little problem to wake up. The beds here, really the most comfortable I ever been sleeping in, honestly, but I thought I have to be awake on my first lesson, so I made some Klatchian coffee, and hell, now I really feel awake, and I think I will stay in such a state for the rest of the moth, dammit, well ehm..."
He stopped looking into the puzzeld faces of his students.
"Ehm, I think I forgot something, ehm, well, yes, I´m Rincewind, ehm prof. Rincewind, God how could I forget about that I´m a teacher now. If the Archchancellor could see me now, God he would not belive it. Oh, damn that stupid Klatichian coffee!"
There was silence as Rincewind looked at the class for a second time.
"Ehm, I think we should start, shouldn´t we? Well the most usefull way to protect yourself from any dark powers is,"
He paused,
"to run away. Believe me. Run. As fast as you can. Run, don´t look back, it will only cost time and if you see something really bad behinde you it will make you afraid, and tremble, and then it is over."
A whisper was going through the class, when Rincewind ended his explanations. Suddenly one hand raised, a hand belonging to noone else than Hermione Granger.
"Ehm, yes? Miss..."
"Granger, Hermione Granger, and excuse me professor if I´m wrong, but it´s defence against and not running from the dark arts. You should teach us how to fight and not how to run."
Rincewind gave her a stunned look.
"I hope you know, Miss Granger, that defence kills you more often than it saves you. Non the less, you are maybe right, I should teach you how to,"
He made a face like mentioning something very unpleasant,
"defend yourself."
With a shigh he turned towards the board.
"Let´s start with something easy then. I think languages will do."
With a dizzy move of his hand he took a pice of chalk and wrote some sentences on the board.
"As you can see here, "
He pointed at one of the sentences,
"this is Klatchian. And this, Omnian, the onthers are Ephebian and, well I will teach you them later on. Now look at the sentences carfully. Do you know what they mean?"
There was silence again. Not even Hermione tried to answer, for she didn´t know it.
"I see, ehm, this is in fact all the same sentence, and it means: ´Don´t kill me!´ Now repeat it."
After some seconds uf puzzlement the classbegan to speak. "Don´t kill me!"
"Very good, and now the others. They all mean ´Help´. A realy usefull word. Come on, say it."
"Help!"
"I am really pround of you. Now write these sentences down, and learn them by heart. Really it is important..."
Again there was a hand in the air.
"Professor, but I thought defence is something else than crying for help."
Rincewind gave Hermione a cold look.
"Well, Miss Granger, I will tell you something, I am a really expirienced wizard, I was in nearly every country that exists on the Discword, I was hunted by canibals, beaten up by robbers, kidnapped by insane dragon keepers, thrown into prison, nearly executed, burned, drowned, exploded, eaten up by birds and killed by the stupidity of a damned man called Twoflower who claimed to be interested in forgein culture. I was in hell, in the past, I visited the nowhere quite unvoluterely and was even in Death´s Domain. Not to forget that I was raised up in Ankh-Morpork, was a member of the Unseen University, saw and touched the Octavo and survived it and even that bloody stupid formula that is still stuck in my head. And now you´ll question yourself why I am still alive, and I´ll tell you little Miss, it´s because of these two statements, and because of the great gift to be able to run."
Suddenly there was a growling, coming from the corner.
"Oh, and of course because of luggage. So now, I´ll tell you better to learn what I thought you or I will get really angry, amd I really shoul stop drinking this damned coffee. You are dismissed."
And he walked out of the classroom.
"Wow, that was really an interesting lesson, strange, but interesting."
Said Ron as they got up.
"But tell me one thing, what on earth is the Discworld?"