Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter
books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize
from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great
(bows in respect for her God) Terry Pratchett
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Lesson three: We get to know that Voldemort is not as known as he thought
When Rincewind entered the classroom he looked horrible.
"´Mornig. One thing at the beginning. Pleeeeease try to talk as quiet as you can. I´m not that well and every sound makes me feel every single cell of my body."
He walked slowly towards his desk and sat down.
"Uhm, ok, what topic do we have today... I think the best one will be, `go back to your rooms and let me sleep.`"
At this very moment Hermione´s hand raised. Rincewind gave her a begging look, but the hand remained where it was.
"What? Miss Granger?"
Rincewind´s voice sounded as if he was going to kill her any second.
"But professor, ´you-know-who´ is getting more and more powerfull and you cancle our lesson just because of a hangover?"
The thin wizard pulled his hands to his ears, trying to make Hermione´s voice sound a little less loud.
"First, I don´t know who you are talking about, and second, yes, I cancel this lesson because of a very strong hangover. Just wait until you have your first one yourself."
There was a sudden murmur in the classroom.
"But you have to know HIM!"
Hermione´s was starring at the DADA teacher in shock.
"I mean, he is the most powerfull and dangerous wizard of the world. He killed hundreds of people, was gone and is regaining power again."
Rincewind just shock his head.
"Sorry, don´t know what you are talking about."
"Damn hell, I´m talking about VOLDEMORT!"
"Vol-who?"
There was a sudden silence in the room
"How wonderfull, if you could keep that silence for a bit..."
Said Rincewind dreamily, but was soon interrupted by hushed whisperes.
"But that´s impossible, you are making jokes, aren´t you? You have to know who Voldemort is!"
"How often do I have to tell you! I don´t know! I know lots of dangerous wizards. I mean, a wizard wearing a black leather jacket with the words ´Born to rune´ written on it, shouting ´yo,yo,yo!´all the time really is dangerous for his surroundings. Or what about a wizard in a wheel chair who is dead already but is still walking around and who is a member of the ´fresh start club´? I´m only waiting for him to jump and sing ´let me rest in peace´! Or have you ever met Twoflower? Yes I know the name sounds innocent, but the man is just the opposite of that word. See all those bruises I have? I got most of them while I was traveling with him, because he was so keen on making pictures of drangons, murderers, robbers, witches, wild animals and other monsters! And of course not to forget the Patrician. Vetinari. Scorpios and rats... Oh God. I feel sick."
Rincewind took a deep breath.
"What would I give for a cup of Klatchian coffee..."
"I think he is mental."
Whispered Ron to Harry, giving the teacher a weird look.
"Klatchian coffee... Oh yes..."
With a glow in his eyes the thin wizard sat down at his desk.
"Professor, sorry, but do I get the picture, you are here to teach us how to defend ourselfs against a wizard you don´t even know that exists. Excuse me, but this is terribly stupid."
"Miss Granger, I don´t care that you think that this is stupid. I know much more than you do, and when I have prooven that you will shut up, all right!"
Yelled Rincewind touching his head, regreting that he had shouted at the same moment.
"Ouch, I really need some coffee!"
"O.k, then proove it. Because, to be honest, I want to be still alive at my gratuation."
Said a blonde boy, now standing up and giving Rincewind an angry stare.
"And who are you?"
"My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. And..."
"Nice, but please try to keep your voice down, my head seems to explode. Well, ok, you are talking about a dark wizard I don´t even know. Now I will show you something that will really scare you. Belive me, no importance how dangerous that Volde-something that you are talking about non stop is, this is much worse!"
With slow moves he went towards the wodden luggage.
"Please."
He said pleeding as the lid of the box opened. The class was watching him in surprise. What the hell was he planing to do? But it did not take much time to make them find out.
"O.k, now this is the ritual of Askh Ente."
"And what is the ritual of Askh Ente?"
Asked Hermione in a cold voice.
"Well, in fact I am going to call Death with it."
"Death?"
The cry echoed in Rincewind´s head.
"Please, be quieter. For my head´s sake! Or give me Klatchian coffee, but stop this torture! Yes, Death, I´m sure you´ll have a few questions for him, eh?"
"Sorry professor, but what do you mean with ´him´?"
The girl seemed terrified, amking the wizard sigh..
"Well, I mean Death, you know the Reaperman, the end of everything, big, boney, wears a black cloak, Death."
"But professor, death is something that happens to you, and it is not a human being."
Rincewind could do nothing but sigh again.
"Well, right I would not call him human, for he is not, but he is a person, and believe me he can be very, well, creepy. He talks quite to much, especially when you have the ´luck´ to meet him in a pup and he tries to get himself drunk."
The class looked at their teacher in disbelieve.
"You mean, you´ve met him?"
Ron asked eventually and Voldemort seemed to be completely forgotten.
"Well, sad to say but yes, and not only once. To be honest I met him more often than I ever desired. Too often if you ask me."
A sound of amazement filled the room.
"What is he like?"
"Well, he is creepy, how I said. He talks far too much, tries to understand humanity. That can get really boreing. Oh and he is kind uf stubborn. He was after me for a long time, but gave up after a while, or at least I hope so."
Again Herminoe´s hand raised.
"But professor, how could you possibly see ´him´?"
"It´s because I´m a bloody wizard! That´s why! Yes, yes, you will be able to see him too. He will come in person to get you because you are magical folk. Very nice, isn´t it."
"You mean, he wanders around all the time?"
Ron´s face was full of fear.
"Well, yes and no. He wanders a lot. Looks if everything is all right here and there. But how I said, sometimes you can find him in a pup. That can turn out to be very funny, because you drink one beer after the other and of course get drunk immediately, he can drink all of the liquids you find in the pup, including washingwater and ratpoison, and believe me, he will feel fine, no changes really. Only sometimes, but that is very seldom. Oh damn, why does this remaind me of my head. Bloody hangover. But I think you shoul see it yourselves."
He made something the pupils could not see and suddenly a dark figure appeared.
A/N: Thanx for the reviews. I hope I fixed the look of this a bit by now. Ehm... I know this could be better, still keep reading and review to make me happy. Pleeeeease!!! It´s going to be better, I promise.
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Lesson three: We get to know that Voldemort is not as known as he thought
When Rincewind entered the classroom he looked horrible.
"´Mornig. One thing at the beginning. Pleeeeease try to talk as quiet as you can. I´m not that well and every sound makes me feel every single cell of my body."
He walked slowly towards his desk and sat down.
"Uhm, ok, what topic do we have today... I think the best one will be, `go back to your rooms and let me sleep.`"
At this very moment Hermione´s hand raised. Rincewind gave her a begging look, but the hand remained where it was.
"What? Miss Granger?"
Rincewind´s voice sounded as if he was going to kill her any second.
"But professor, ´you-know-who´ is getting more and more powerfull and you cancle our lesson just because of a hangover?"
The thin wizard pulled his hands to his ears, trying to make Hermione´s voice sound a little less loud.
"First, I don´t know who you are talking about, and second, yes, I cancel this lesson because of a very strong hangover. Just wait until you have your first one yourself."
There was a sudden murmur in the classroom.
"But you have to know HIM!"
Hermione´s was starring at the DADA teacher in shock.
"I mean, he is the most powerfull and dangerous wizard of the world. He killed hundreds of people, was gone and is regaining power again."
Rincewind just shock his head.
"Sorry, don´t know what you are talking about."
"Damn hell, I´m talking about VOLDEMORT!"
"Vol-who?"
There was a sudden silence in the room
"How wonderfull, if you could keep that silence for a bit..."
Said Rincewind dreamily, but was soon interrupted by hushed whisperes.
"But that´s impossible, you are making jokes, aren´t you? You have to know who Voldemort is!"
"How often do I have to tell you! I don´t know! I know lots of dangerous wizards. I mean, a wizard wearing a black leather jacket with the words ´Born to rune´ written on it, shouting ´yo,yo,yo!´all the time really is dangerous for his surroundings. Or what about a wizard in a wheel chair who is dead already but is still walking around and who is a member of the ´fresh start club´? I´m only waiting for him to jump and sing ´let me rest in peace´! Or have you ever met Twoflower? Yes I know the name sounds innocent, but the man is just the opposite of that word. See all those bruises I have? I got most of them while I was traveling with him, because he was so keen on making pictures of drangons, murderers, robbers, witches, wild animals and other monsters! And of course not to forget the Patrician. Vetinari. Scorpios and rats... Oh God. I feel sick."
Rincewind took a deep breath.
"What would I give for a cup of Klatchian coffee..."
"I think he is mental."
Whispered Ron to Harry, giving the teacher a weird look.
"Klatchian coffee... Oh yes..."
With a glow in his eyes the thin wizard sat down at his desk.
"Professor, sorry, but do I get the picture, you are here to teach us how to defend ourselfs against a wizard you don´t even know that exists. Excuse me, but this is terribly stupid."
"Miss Granger, I don´t care that you think that this is stupid. I know much more than you do, and when I have prooven that you will shut up, all right!"
Yelled Rincewind touching his head, regreting that he had shouted at the same moment.
"Ouch, I really need some coffee!"
"O.k, then proove it. Because, to be honest, I want to be still alive at my gratuation."
Said a blonde boy, now standing up and giving Rincewind an angry stare.
"And who are you?"
"My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. And..."
"Nice, but please try to keep your voice down, my head seems to explode. Well, ok, you are talking about a dark wizard I don´t even know. Now I will show you something that will really scare you. Belive me, no importance how dangerous that Volde-something that you are talking about non stop is, this is much worse!"
With slow moves he went towards the wodden luggage.
"Please."
He said pleeding as the lid of the box opened. The class was watching him in surprise. What the hell was he planing to do? But it did not take much time to make them find out.
"O.k, now this is the ritual of Askh Ente."
"And what is the ritual of Askh Ente?"
Asked Hermione in a cold voice.
"Well, in fact I am going to call Death with it."
"Death?"
The cry echoed in Rincewind´s head.
"Please, be quieter. For my head´s sake! Or give me Klatchian coffee, but stop this torture! Yes, Death, I´m sure you´ll have a few questions for him, eh?"
"Sorry professor, but what do you mean with ´him´?"
The girl seemed terrified, amking the wizard sigh..
"Well, I mean Death, you know the Reaperman, the end of everything, big, boney, wears a black cloak, Death."
"But professor, death is something that happens to you, and it is not a human being."
Rincewind could do nothing but sigh again.
"Well, right I would not call him human, for he is not, but he is a person, and believe me he can be very, well, creepy. He talks quite to much, especially when you have the ´luck´ to meet him in a pup and he tries to get himself drunk."
The class looked at their teacher in disbelieve.
"You mean, you´ve met him?"
Ron asked eventually and Voldemort seemed to be completely forgotten.
"Well, sad to say but yes, and not only once. To be honest I met him more often than I ever desired. Too often if you ask me."
A sound of amazement filled the room.
"What is he like?"
"Well, he is creepy, how I said. He talks far too much, tries to understand humanity. That can get really boreing. Oh and he is kind uf stubborn. He was after me for a long time, but gave up after a while, or at least I hope so."
Again Herminoe´s hand raised.
"But professor, how could you possibly see ´him´?"
"It´s because I´m a bloody wizard! That´s why! Yes, yes, you will be able to see him too. He will come in person to get you because you are magical folk. Very nice, isn´t it."
"You mean, he wanders around all the time?"
Ron´s face was full of fear.
"Well, yes and no. He wanders a lot. Looks if everything is all right here and there. But how I said, sometimes you can find him in a pup. That can turn out to be very funny, because you drink one beer after the other and of course get drunk immediately, he can drink all of the liquids you find in the pup, including washingwater and ratpoison, and believe me, he will feel fine, no changes really. Only sometimes, but that is very seldom. Oh damn, why does this remaind me of my head. Bloody hangover. But I think you shoul see it yourselves."
He made something the pupils could not see and suddenly a dark figure appeared.
A/N: Thanx for the reviews. I hope I fixed the look of this a bit by now. Ehm... I know this could be better, still keep reading and review to make me happy. Pleeeeease!!! It´s going to be better, I promise.