Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter
books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize
from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great
(bows in respect for her God) Terry Pratchett.
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Lesson five: We get to know that Klatchian coffee can be very dangerous
With a big smile on his face, Rincewind made his way down to the dungeons. It has been days since anything had attacked or hurt him. Wonderful days, full of peace and now he needed only one more thing to be completely happy. A big cup (as long as you could call a thimble big) of Klatchian coffee.
"Severus?"
He asked, knocking on the door that led to the potions master´s domicile.
"Come in."
"´Morning. Well, I thought it would be nice to drink some coffee, you know, so I decided to come down..."
"Here."
Snape cut him.
"You know that you ruin my supplies at this very moment, Rincewind."
The thin wizard gave Severus a theatralical look.
"Well, yes, I´m sorry. Really. Let´s forget about it all."
"Good!"
"I´ll go back to my rooms and wait until DEATH gets me..."
Rincewind pronounced his last words very clear, regarding Snape´s reactions. And of course it worked.
"All right, all right. Here! Take it! I don´t need it, and now go!"
"Thank you Severus, you are really a great man."
Said Rincewind grinning and turned only to look into the face of a woman. A very angry woman.
"Did you see a rat in here somewhere. It´s small, wears a black cloak and a scythe."
"Eh, well..."
"DID YOU SEE IT OR NOT?"
Now the voice of the woman changed. It was there, but somehow it did not make it´s way through the air, but manifested itself in the brain. This was not a normal voice, not it was the voice of... Rincewind swallowed. The voice of Death. But the woman in front of him did not look like Death. Of course she was wearing black, but she was human. Or at least she seemed human.
"Who are you, and what do you want in my dungeons?"
Rincewind looked back at Snape who gave the woman a furious stare.
"I am Susan Sto Helit. And believe me, I don´t like people talking to me like that."
"Get out of my rooms!"
"I DON´T INTEND TO LEAVE UNTIL I HAVE THE RAT."
"Last time I saw it, it was in my classroom."
Said Rincwind with the hope Snape would shut up as fast as possible. Sto Helit. That ment she was powerfull. Maybe even very powerfull.
"And where is your calssroom?"
"Two floors above the dungeons."
"Oh wait, until I find you, Death of rats. You will be very sorry then."
Susan mumbeled and left Snape and Rincewind in the door.
"Who was that woman?"
Asked Snape in a very ridculous voice.
"Susan Sto Helit."
"I heard her name, Rincewind, but who is she?"
"Death´s grand-daughter."
An high voice shrieked and a black raven with the Death of rats on it´s back landed on Rincewind´s shoulder.
"The grand- daughter of whom?"
The potions master repeated.
"Death. You know. Big, black, boney, has a scythe."
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."
With a loud thund Rincewind let himself sit down on the floor.
"I knew the rat was a bad sign. No, an omen!"
The thin wizard sighed.
"An omen that was sent to tell me, that I am needed in Ankh-Morpork again!"
He stood up, trying to look very dramatical.
"Well, I have to go. I wish you luck Severus, send me a postcard from heaven or wherever it is you will go after you died."
And with these words he began to run only to hit the closed door to the dungeons and fall unconscious onto the floor 10 seconds later.
"I think we should forget him at the moment."
Crocked the raven looking at Snape who only muttered, "Why do I have the feeling that since this man came to Hogwards everything is going crazy."
"Well, dunno."
Answered the bird.
"By the way, I´m Quoth and this is the Death of rats. Do you have any sheep´s eyes in here?"
He added peering around the room.
"No!"
Snape shouted.
"Well, you could try to be a little nicer to me!"
"SQUIEK!"
"I´m not going to be polite to a raven!"
"SQUIEK!"
"Nor to a rat!"
"I´ve never seen such a rude person!"
"I don´t care! Oh damn, I´m talking with a bird!"
"SQUIEK!"
"And with a rat! I shouldn´t have worked so long last night. My doctor was right, spending the whole time in the dungeons is not very healthy."
Suddenly a person appeared through the wall, and it was not one of the school´s ghosts.
"I knew you were somewhere in here Death of rats."
The angry voice of Susan Sto Helit echoed through the room.
"SQUIEK!"
"HE wants to see you! Now!"
"SQUIEK!"
"The rat says that he has some things to do before he goes. You know, mice and hamsters that died."
"Then hurry up, I don´t like to be involved in all this. Oh damn all his mid-life-crisises!"
With a sigh she turned and disappeared, soon followed by Quoth and the Death of rats.
"But, but... You... can´t... apparate inside the ... Hogward´s grounds..."
Snape stammered gazing at the now free space.
"If you say the word idylic once more, I´m going to kill you Twoflower! I swear!"
The potions master turned slowly to Rincewind who was recover from his phisical absence.
"Nice you´re back."
"Whatever you say Archchacellor."
Giving the wizard a tired look Severus vanished into his office only to return some seconds later with two mugs of coffee.
"Here."
He said putting the mug into Rincewind´s hands.
"Drink it you hero."
"Thank you."
Rincewind took a large sip and smiled.
"Hot Klatichan coffee. I´m going to make a new religion for you my bitter goddes."
"Rincewind?"
Snape followed Rincewind´s example and took a sip too.
"Mhm?"
"What do you think? Will she like roses?"
"What?"
"I asked you if you think that she will like roses."
"What?"
"Do I have to repeate it a third time?"
"What?"
"She, roses, to like, understand?"
"Do you mean Death´s grand-daughter?"
"No, I mean Mme. Pomfrey."
"Good, because I neraly thought..."
"Of course Death´s grand- daughter!"
Snape cut him and his expression became dreamily.
"She is just perfect. That character, that looks, that voice."
"That family! Are you totaly crazy??? She is not a common woman! She is HIS grand- daughter! And you don´t even know her! You´ve seen her once!"
"Do you know her adress?"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Or maybe where she works?"
"Discworld to Snape, Discworld to Snape! Do you listen to me? She is Susan Sto Helit! She is related with Death! She is able to go through walls! She is not the common type of woman."
"I know. That makes her so special."
"You are completely mental."
"I think 13 roses will do, or maybe 27?"
"Ehm..."
Rincewind looked at Snape for a moment.
"What are you drinking?"
"Blood red is the best I think... Er this coffee- something you drink all the time."
"Klatchian coffee? But you are not used to it!"
"Or better black? Do you think she would like black roses?"
"Let´s talk when you can think a little less clear."
Said Rincewind and left Snape, who was still keeping on his monologue, in the dungeons. He needed something to drink. And surely no Klatchian coffee. Not now.
And with a meery smile he made his way to Hogsmead and the "Three Broomsticks", hopeing Snape would be sane enough to mix him a hangover potion the next day.
A/N: Thanx to all my reviewers. You keep me going on with this. THANK YOU!
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!
Lesson five: We get to know that Klatchian coffee can be very dangerous
With a big smile on his face, Rincewind made his way down to the dungeons. It has been days since anything had attacked or hurt him. Wonderful days, full of peace and now he needed only one more thing to be completely happy. A big cup (as long as you could call a thimble big) of Klatchian coffee.
"Severus?"
He asked, knocking on the door that led to the potions master´s domicile.
"Come in."
"´Morning. Well, I thought it would be nice to drink some coffee, you know, so I decided to come down..."
"Here."
Snape cut him.
"You know that you ruin my supplies at this very moment, Rincewind."
The thin wizard gave Severus a theatralical look.
"Well, yes, I´m sorry. Really. Let´s forget about it all."
"Good!"
"I´ll go back to my rooms and wait until DEATH gets me..."
Rincewind pronounced his last words very clear, regarding Snape´s reactions. And of course it worked.
"All right, all right. Here! Take it! I don´t need it, and now go!"
"Thank you Severus, you are really a great man."
Said Rincewind grinning and turned only to look into the face of a woman. A very angry woman.
"Did you see a rat in here somewhere. It´s small, wears a black cloak and a scythe."
"Eh, well..."
"DID YOU SEE IT OR NOT?"
Now the voice of the woman changed. It was there, but somehow it did not make it´s way through the air, but manifested itself in the brain. This was not a normal voice, not it was the voice of... Rincewind swallowed. The voice of Death. But the woman in front of him did not look like Death. Of course she was wearing black, but she was human. Or at least she seemed human.
"Who are you, and what do you want in my dungeons?"
Rincewind looked back at Snape who gave the woman a furious stare.
"I am Susan Sto Helit. And believe me, I don´t like people talking to me like that."
"Get out of my rooms!"
"I DON´T INTEND TO LEAVE UNTIL I HAVE THE RAT."
"Last time I saw it, it was in my classroom."
Said Rincwind with the hope Snape would shut up as fast as possible. Sto Helit. That ment she was powerfull. Maybe even very powerfull.
"And where is your calssroom?"
"Two floors above the dungeons."
"Oh wait, until I find you, Death of rats. You will be very sorry then."
Susan mumbeled and left Snape and Rincewind in the door.
"Who was that woman?"
Asked Snape in a very ridculous voice.
"Susan Sto Helit."
"I heard her name, Rincewind, but who is she?"
"Death´s grand-daughter."
An high voice shrieked and a black raven with the Death of rats on it´s back landed on Rincewind´s shoulder.
"The grand- daughter of whom?"
The potions master repeated.
"Death. You know. Big, black, boney, has a scythe."
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."
With a loud thund Rincewind let himself sit down on the floor.
"I knew the rat was a bad sign. No, an omen!"
The thin wizard sighed.
"An omen that was sent to tell me, that I am needed in Ankh-Morpork again!"
He stood up, trying to look very dramatical.
"Well, I have to go. I wish you luck Severus, send me a postcard from heaven or wherever it is you will go after you died."
And with these words he began to run only to hit the closed door to the dungeons and fall unconscious onto the floor 10 seconds later.
"I think we should forget him at the moment."
Crocked the raven looking at Snape who only muttered, "Why do I have the feeling that since this man came to Hogwards everything is going crazy."
"Well, dunno."
Answered the bird.
"By the way, I´m Quoth and this is the Death of rats. Do you have any sheep´s eyes in here?"
He added peering around the room.
"No!"
Snape shouted.
"Well, you could try to be a little nicer to me!"
"SQUIEK!"
"I´m not going to be polite to a raven!"
"SQUIEK!"
"Nor to a rat!"
"I´ve never seen such a rude person!"
"I don´t care! Oh damn, I´m talking with a bird!"
"SQUIEK!"
"And with a rat! I shouldn´t have worked so long last night. My doctor was right, spending the whole time in the dungeons is not very healthy."
Suddenly a person appeared through the wall, and it was not one of the school´s ghosts.
"I knew you were somewhere in here Death of rats."
The angry voice of Susan Sto Helit echoed through the room.
"SQUIEK!"
"HE wants to see you! Now!"
"SQUIEK!"
"The rat says that he has some things to do before he goes. You know, mice and hamsters that died."
"Then hurry up, I don´t like to be involved in all this. Oh damn all his mid-life-crisises!"
With a sigh she turned and disappeared, soon followed by Quoth and the Death of rats.
"But, but... You... can´t... apparate inside the ... Hogward´s grounds..."
Snape stammered gazing at the now free space.
"If you say the word idylic once more, I´m going to kill you Twoflower! I swear!"
The potions master turned slowly to Rincewind who was recover from his phisical absence.
"Nice you´re back."
"Whatever you say Archchacellor."
Giving the wizard a tired look Severus vanished into his office only to return some seconds later with two mugs of coffee.
"Here."
He said putting the mug into Rincewind´s hands.
"Drink it you hero."
"Thank you."
Rincewind took a large sip and smiled.
"Hot Klatichan coffee. I´m going to make a new religion for you my bitter goddes."
"Rincewind?"
Snape followed Rincewind´s example and took a sip too.
"Mhm?"
"What do you think? Will she like roses?"
"What?"
"I asked you if you think that she will like roses."
"What?"
"Do I have to repeate it a third time?"
"What?"
"She, roses, to like, understand?"
"Do you mean Death´s grand-daughter?"
"No, I mean Mme. Pomfrey."
"Good, because I neraly thought..."
"Of course Death´s grand- daughter!"
Snape cut him and his expression became dreamily.
"She is just perfect. That character, that looks, that voice."
"That family! Are you totaly crazy??? She is not a common woman! She is HIS grand- daughter! And you don´t even know her! You´ve seen her once!"
"Do you know her adress?"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Or maybe where she works?"
"Discworld to Snape, Discworld to Snape! Do you listen to me? She is Susan Sto Helit! She is related with Death! She is able to go through walls! She is not the common type of woman."
"I know. That makes her so special."
"You are completely mental."
"I think 13 roses will do, or maybe 27?"
"Ehm..."
Rincewind looked at Snape for a moment.
"What are you drinking?"
"Blood red is the best I think... Er this coffee- something you drink all the time."
"Klatchian coffee? But you are not used to it!"
"Or better black? Do you think she would like black roses?"
"Let´s talk when you can think a little less clear."
Said Rincewind and left Snape, who was still keeping on his monologue, in the dungeons. He needed something to drink. And surely no Klatchian coffee. Not now.
And with a meery smile he made his way to Hogsmead and the "Three Broomsticks", hopeing Snape would be sane enough to mix him a hangover potion the next day.
A/N: Thanx to all my reviewers. You keep me going on with this. THANK YOU!