A/N: This chapter deals more with how Zim and Gaz explore what happened between them. I'll put more Dib memories in the next chapter. There are a few here and there in this one though, after all, the absent party is what this story is really trying to be about.

***

That Night of the Same Day

The candles had long burnt out and the final remnants of the horrific windstorm had cleared out over an hour ago. The sky above that particular part of the world shone bright and clear, with the silvery orb of the moon acting as a headlight to those who sought its hypnotic image. It looked over a great big cemetery where stones of old mixed with the stones of new. Statues of angels and saints pointed directions toward heaven using a hand, a staff or a simple book. Some graves were shiny and polished, kept that way by the loving relatives who believed with some spit and a rag they were doing their duty in keeping the dead happy. These people would never admit to themselves that the dead couldn't care about such earthly concerns. It was beyond them - perhaps even beneath them - and for a bad word or for a good one, they remained dead. There were other graves too, graves no one brought flowers to. Graves of those who died in long forgotten wars and those who lived a life so long ago no one could possibly remember it anymore. However with all the wear and tear of the centuries, they all in some form or another, found respite.

But not all of them. There were those graves of people who died screaming in vain, begging the world to listen, their frustration echoing across the years. These people stayed alive, clinging to the living in a sense of moral outrage.

Dib was one of them.

In the end, that had been his only enduring legacy.

How long has it been? Six years? Seven?

In the twilight hours before dawn, Zim stood before a small headstone. It was a sad little headstone, the type they made for children. He had to kneel down to peer at the inscription. He'd seen it enough to know it by heart but he still had to make himself read it every time he visited.

DIB MEMBRANE

1990-2002
BELOVED SON AND BROTHER

"Pur Si Muove." - Galileo

"And still it moves," Zim murmured under his breath. He deposited a flower atop the empty grave. It was sad to see that among all the other grave markers in this section, his was the only one without a continual stream of flowers. Even in death Dib couldn't get a damn break.

Zim sighed and glanced at the grave beside his. Even after all these years, this one still gained a few flowers and various mementos.

DEBRA MEMBRANE

1969-1995

BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER

"Truth is the safest lie." - Proverb

Zim frowned when he spied something peeking out from beneath a bunch of flowers on her grave. A tiny little metal box. He knelt down and picked it up. Since there was no lock on it, he opened it for sheer curiosity. A frown furrowed across his face when he saw all it contained was a folded up piece of paper. Feeling like a horrible snoop but promising himself to put it back the way it had been, he unfolded it. It had a child's handwriting.

hi mommy, it's dib. didja know it was my berthday today? it is! gaz hit me again but i hit her bak! it was neat. daddy took me to the museeum. gaz complaned the hole way cos it was a long way. not me. i was a good boy cos you told me to always be a good boy. i am sorry i hit gaz cos she's a baby. i guess i am not good. but i try mommy i try so hard. i luv you mommy and i hop i see you when i die but i do not want to die yet cos i wanna wen i gro up to meet et. i no you say et is not reel but he is mommy he is and i will sho you. maybe he will b my frend and we will go to the moon and vizit you. by mommy I luv you.

-dib

Zim folded the letter and put it back. He looked up at the moon and then back at Dib's grave. "Guess I turned out to be a big disappointment, huh?" Zim kicked at the ground. There was a reason he came here tonight. "Look, um, I did something I shouldn't have done. At least I think I shouldn't have done." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I know you wouldn't have liked it, that's why I'm here, I guess. I know I promised you I'd be there for your sister but I never thought. . ." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I never thought it would go this far. I feel horrible about it."

"You don't have to feel bad."

Zim heard the familiar voice and glanced up. Standing behind the grave with his arms folded over it was the Dib form. He appeared to the alien sometimes even though Zim knew it was only in his head and no one else saw him. The boy appeared as he did in life but with a glow surrounding him.

"But I do," he replied. "This never would have happened if. . ."

"Torturing yourself with "ifs" isn't going to change what happened, Zim," the Dib specter said. "Look, I'm dead, so you don't have to feel guilty."

"Then how come I do?" Zim shot back softly. "I know you said to live and feel human culture but there's got to be a limit somewhere. I-I'm not even sure if I ought to be disgusted with myself for what we did. I know you'd be."

Dib nodded and came around the stonehead. "Yeah, I kinda have to agree with you on that. If I were alive, you'd be dead meat. However being dead gets rid of a lot of cares. So don't feel bad. Put it from your mind."

"That's easy for you to say," Zim said sarcastically. "You didn't, um, do what I did."

Both invisible thought-form and visible alien began walking through the cemetery.

A look of disgust crossed the specter's face. "Let's just not even go there, all right?"

Zim nodded and then asked. "How can I face her again?"

"How did you part ways?"

"Well, um," Zim felt his face get warm. "She was asleep so I sneaked out here. But she seemed okay. I mean, she was asleep."

Dib peered up at him. "Don't you think you should be there when she wakes up?"

Zim shrugged. "I-I don't know. Should I be?"

"It means a lot to a girl if she wakes up and she sees the last person she wanted to see before she fell asleep."

"Do you think?"

Dib grinned. Now that Zim had gained a lot more perspective into the human race, he realized from a certain point of view, Dib had been a very endearing looking little boy when he wasn't smirking evilly. Genuine happiness became him. It just made his loss all the more disheartening for the alien.

"What do I don't know you're not telling me?" Zim inquired.

"It's like I told you before," said the Dib form. "I only know what you already know yourself. Do what you think you should do."

"But what if what I think to do is the wrong thing?" Zim said frantically, gesturing just as so. "I can't mess this up."

"Well," said Dib thoughtfully. "Do you love her? And you don't have to empathic about it," he added dryly.

"I want to say yes," Zim confessed. "But I don't know what love feels like so how can I honestly answer that?"

Gaz's brother's form grinned again. "How do you feel when you're around her?"

"Good, I guess. But sad too. I keep getting this feeling from her she wants more than I can give. I don't like to say this but I think what happened tonight. . . ." Zim sighed. "It was like she was trying to get away from something else. I wish I knew what it was."

"Did you ask her?"

"No, uh, she wouldn't let me get a word in edge-wise." He felt his face get even hotter. Strange, this blushing phenomenon. He never knew he was capable of it. Zim put a hand over his face. "I don't know what to do."

"Just be there for her," Dib suggested. "Don't stop being her friend. Always let her know you're there when she needs someone."

"I'm trying, Dib, I'm trying."

His former enemy smiled again. "I know you are."

Then he faded away.

Zim panicked, like he always did. "No! Dib!" He clenched his teeth together. "Dammit."

Every time he "saw" Dib, he always feared it would be for the last time. The Irken hated the fact all this time had gone by and his enemy's presence had never left. Always there, every minute. Whenever he and Gaz talked or hung out somewhere, Zim always had the feeling Dib was watching them. Kind of like he was there with them, in the same room, silently relishing in his victory.

"You can't hide forever and if you can then I can wait forever!"

It was ironic, if you thought about it.

***

Morning . . . . . .

He was gone.

Of course he was gone, Gaz thought bitterly. I'd leave too if someone did what I did to him.

It was the first real thought that came to her mind when she woke. She sat up, holding the blanket around her torso. Her eyes fell on the evidence surrounding her and where she happened to be. It'd really happened. If sitting here in the middle of the floor wrapped to the nines was anything to go by, she figured this had been more than just some pipe fantasy.

It's all my fault, she told herself angrily as she got dressed. It would be madness to pretend she hadn't felt his obvious resistance. Even someone who'd never done it before would've sensed it.

A deep sense of shame overcame her. She sat on the couch, pulled her knees up and rested her forehead on them. What am I becoming?

She didn't hear the front door open. When she glanced up, she saw him standing there.

Guiltily she looked away. "You're back."

"Yes. Guess I am." He sank down beside her. "How long have you been up?"

"Just a few minutes." She nerved herself and turned her head toward him. "Where did you go?"

"For a walk."

She said nothing, only nodded.

Zim rested a finger under her chin and tilted it up so their eyes met. She shifted her weight and hugged her legs. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head.

"Gaz. . ."

She held up one hand. "Don't."

"But. . ."

Gaz got up. "Look, what happened last night was. . . It shouldn't have happened. I didn't plan on it when I asked you to come over. You have to believe me."

"I believe you."

She kept on. "It's my fault. I took advantage of the fact you had no idea what was going on and used it for my own purposes."

"I knew what was going on," Zim interjected. "Isn't that how humans procreate? I watch TV you know. I'm not stupid." He looked mad.

"But I wasn't trying to . . ." Gaz rubbed at the space between her eyes, trying to think of a way to explain it. "Humans don't have sex to procreate anymore. I mean, we do, but for most of us having a baby isn't what's on our minds when we do it." She paused. "We do it because it feels good. So I guess I was using you to make myself feel better." Gaz took a deep breath. "It was wrong for me to do that. I'm so sorry, Zim."

Long pause. "But you feel better, right?"

Gaz gazed at him. Poor innocent clueless alien. "No. I don't."

"Why not?"

Gaz sat next to him again. "Because we're friends and friends don't use each other like that. I never imagined in a million years I'd do that to you." Her head dropped into her hands. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again in a high-pitched way.

"Hey," Zim chided resting a hand on her shoulder. "Stop beating yourself up. It's NOT your fault. Nothing bad happened, okay? As I heard someone say once, it takes two. If I didn't want it, it wouldn't have happened. I am Zim and Zim never does what he doesn't want to do."

The old bravado made her spirits rise a little. Gaz never admitted it but sometimes she missed the old Zim, the one who acted like a power mad moron with a delusional superiority complex. If one were to go back to the past to compare them, one would find to their astonishment, these were two very different aliens. Time had been kinder to him, she thought morosely. It enabled him to explore so many new and different things about himself. While she stayed in one place watching it happen and falling behind. That's what had made him so seductive to her, that whole unattainableness. The fact he was from another world just added to it. She had wanted so badly to be a part of that and last night the desire had been so unbearable her body responded in the only way it knew how.

An uncertain smile tugged at her mouth. "I've noticed." Turning serious, she looked at him in full. "It never happened, okay?"


"Huh?" Zim was confused.

Gaz shook her head. "Whatever it meant to you, it-it wasn't the same way for me. What we did last night was the most dishonest thing I have ever been a part of. It wasn't even me."

"But Gaz. . ." Zim stood up when she did. "Does that mean you don't. . .?"

Gaz bit her bottom lip. She felt like crying.

When she didn't answer, Zim's expression changed. It was remarkable. In all her life, she had never seen him look so lost. . . so rejected.

"No, you don't mean that." His face hardened and the old pride loomed up. He came close to her and put both hands on her shoulders. "You can't be saying that, Gaz, you just can't be!"

"I could." A lump formed in her throat. "I am."

Zim let her go and backed away. "Gaz, no. . ."

"I'm sorry," she kept fighting back the tears.

"You're SORRY?!" he thundered waving his arms in the air. "You're SORRY you slept with me?"

"No. . ."

"THEN WHAT? TELL ME!" All the tyranny of the old Zim rose up.

Gaz's grief and shame turned to anger at the loud words. "Because you liked it! You liked it and I didn't! And I wanted to like it, Zim, I really wanted to like it."

Zim came up close to her and took her by the wrist firmly. The rage was still in his face. There was a sense of holding back. She decided to give him a channel to release it. Gaz pressed herself against him and whispered hoarsely. "Make me like it."

Shocked by what he'd heard, he gently pushed her at arm's length. All his rage drained from him. "You want me to. . . NEVER!" He backed away from her, fear rising in him. "Never would I do something so hideous to Dib's sister!"

"Why not?" she asked furiously. "Dib's not here right now. More for the fact he never was here even when he was alive!"

Zim couldn't believe what she had said. Neither did she although she didn't show it. "Don't say that."

"Why not?" Gaz wasn't angry anymore, just stating. "Don't bother defending him either. You guys died enemies, remember?"

"That may be true," he said in a low tone. "But I never stopped thinking about him. Not for a second, not for a year." Zim went to the front door and put his hand on the knob. He opened it and then looked back at her. "Every day I live is another day he wins. It's my curse."

He left, closing the door behind him.

Gaz stood there for a moment and then ran after him. "Zim! Wait!"

He was already halfway across the street. When he heard her shout, he stopped and looked back.

HONK! HONK!

Gaz stopped dead at the end of the walkway.

A white Chevy was bearing down on Zim. The alien, fascinated and horrified at the same time stood as if frozen to the spot.

The driver slammed on the brakes and stopped just inches from running him down. Zim slammed both hands on the hood and yelled at the driver. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING STINK-PERSON! ATTEMPT TO RUN ME DOWN AGAIN AND I'LL. . . I'LL SUE YOU!"

Then he looked back at Gaz.

Her whole face had gone completely white. Slowly she backed away and then ran back inside the house, slamming the door.

Ignoring the driver's run of insults, Zim raced back to the Membrane home and tried the knob. It was locked. He reached into his pak and grabbed a tool that disabled the lock. "Gaz!" he called entering, panning around frantically. "Where are you? Talk to me!"

He searched the house high and low until he found her in Dib's former room sitting in a corner. She was crying.

Zim knelt by her, reaching out and yet holding back, afraid to touch her. "Gaz, it's okay. I'm okay."

The girl looked at him, the tears running down her face. Whatever she saw she didn't like because her face crumbled and she started crying again.

He crept a little closer, mindful of her sudden lashes of physical rage that she sometimes dished out on him whenever he least expected it. "Gaz."

"It happened just like that," she said staring through him, almost robotically. "Just like that. I got mad at Dib because he was taking too long and I didn't listen when he told me to wait for him." She squeezed her eyes shut. "He's dead because of me."

"He saved your life," Zim said gently. "And it's not your fault."

She made two fists. "Yes it is! If I hadn't been so goddamned wrapped up in my own little world instead of paying attention to him when I REALLY needed to pay attention to him, he'd still be alive! So what if he saved my life? He had a hell of a lot more to offer this world. He loved life more than I did and he actually lived it while all I did was laugh at him for it!" Gaz punched the wall. "I hate him."

Zim's mouth fell open. "You don't mean that. . ."

"I do." She blurted out tonelessly. "I hate him because he threw his life away for nothing."

"He loved you!" Zim glared at her. "Your brother saved you because he loved you, because you were his sister. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself if you'd died. He would've let me kill him, Gaz. What kind of victory would have that been for me? To crush an enemy who's already crushed? There's no honor there."

"So you're saying it's better he's dead than me?" Gaz said quietly, eyes lowered.

Zim shook his head fiercely. "No. What I'm trying to say is, he gave up his life because he saw something in you that you're refusing to see." He got to his feet.

Gaz followed him with her eyes. "What is it that I'm refusing to see?"

Zim shook his head sadly. "I don't know. But I know what I see." He smiled at her then. "And maybe it's the same thing."

A smile fought to come on Gaz's face and it almost made it out all the way.

He brushed her cheek with his knuckles and left the room.

Gaz just closed her eyes and let her forehead gently bump against the wall. I know what I see. What I know only what I can see and no one else can. And no one else will.