Snow Kagura and the Seven Chibis
by Sharlene
Once upon a time, long ago and far away, there was a beautiful queen--
Naraku HEY!
Shut up and get in costume. Those Disney people don't rent stuff out cheap, you know.
Naraku *evil glare* I will not wear that. It's not suitable for my dignity as a Creepy But Hot Bad Guy.
Oh, and dressing like a tampon IS?
Naraku I'll have you know the pelt of an albino baboon is-
Skip it and get in costume. I got a story to tell, here.
Naraku *whining* But it clashes with my eyeshadow.
Deal with it or I switch the story to Cinderella and cast you as the cute little mouse sidekick.
Naraku *grumbles but puts on costume* Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
The queen-- *glare at Naraku, who wisely refrains from interrupting again* Ahem. The queen was a vain person, and took great pride in being the fairest in the land. She had a magic mirror that she consulted constantly, and that reassured her that she was, indeed the fairest. But one day, the mirror had disturbing news.
Kanna You're not the fairest.
Naraku What? Put I paid someone to turn all my competition into chibis! Chibis aren't eligible to be fair bishes.
Kanna ...
Naraku So who's this upstart trying to make out like they're fairer than me?
Kanna Snow Kagura is fairer than you by far.
Naraku That bitch. I knew someone was stealing my special hair treatment! And is it my fault that pink eyeliner gives me a rash?
The evil queen was eaten up by jealousy and he, er, she set the lovely Snow Kagura to do all sorts of menial tasks in the hopes of marring her beauty. Unfortunately for the queen, the tribulations she endured just made Kagura's beauty more brilliant, like facets in a diamond.
Kagura *stomps up to Naraku* I killed those stupid wolves like you said. Their leader swore everlasting revenge, yadda yadda yadda. And here's your stupid dry cleaning.
Ahem. Well, yes, the lovely and gracious Kagura served with all her heart, doing her best to please her wicked stepmother. Anyway, moving on, where was I? Oh, yes. The queen's jealousy grew so great, she even set poor Snow Kagura to doing the work of a maid while dressed in rags. But her beauty shone through, and struck a passing prince like a thunderbolt.
Kouga Hey! You in the rags... You're the bitch who killed my tribesmen!
Kagura You... You didn't wipe your feet! I spent hours cleaning that floor!
Kouga I'll wipe my feet with your face, bitch! Prepare to die.
Kagura *eyes narrowed, whips out fan* Wall of Wind!
The attack with the Viz Cheez name cleared Kouga and all of his muddy footprints out of the courtyard, along with all the leaves that were under the trees.
Kagura Hey, now I'm ahead on the raking! Kickass, I should've thought of this sooner.
Soon, however, the queen's psychotic jealousy (and massive expenditures to repair things broken by Kagura's new cleaning methods) grew too much to bear, and she ordered her huntsman to take the lovely Snow Kagura out into the forest and kill her.
Kagura What kind of mental case wears something like this for a walk in the forest? The chest is too tight and the skirt is too floofy. And yellow? Pfft. I want my kimono back.
Ahem. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to cast the sequel to this, possibly based on The Little Mermaid? I understand those seashell bras itch like gangbusters.
Kagura Oh, I am so happy to be out in the woods in my lovely new dress. Let me pick some flowers.
I thought so. Now, if there are no more unseemly interruptions? Good. The huntsman, on seeing the loveliness and innocence of the pure hearted young girl, was moved to tears, for he could not kill such a wonderful creature.
Kohaku I... I don't want to kill anyone. F-father. Sango. I-
Yeah, yeah, enough angst. Snow Kagura didn't particularly feel like going back, but she knew that the evil queen would require proof the deed had been done. Much as it pained her, she broke her favorite eyeliner in half and gave the two halves to Kohaku to return to the queen.
Kagura *gasp* Not my Carnelian Sunset!
'fraid so, sugar plum.
Kagura Couldn't I just kill a random forest creature and send back its heart? That's more traditional, isn't it?
Nope. Shouldn't have pissed off the Narrator. Be good and you'll get a new stick at the end.
Kagura *sniffling* I... I...
Snow Kagura, sobbing bitter tears, ran deep into the forest, the branches tearing at her hair and clothes, the shadows looming eerily as eyes glowed out of their depths to track her movements. And while she might have been opening her mouth to say something snippy to the author, she remembered what had happened to her Carnelian Sunset eyeliner and kept quiet in the hopes of not losing her Ruby Sunrise eye pencil in a tragic tripping incident.
Kagura Yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Eventually, the panting, terrified Snow Kagura came onto a small, Tudor style cottage in the middle of a small clearing in the woods. Why it was in feudal Japan is a mystery we're just not getting into now, because it would require thought. Still, she was tired, cold, and hungry, so she approached the cottage to beg for shelter.
Kagura *muttering* And apparently I have the survival instincts of a gnat. Maybe there'll be a crazed serial killer in there and it'll all be over.
Now, now, you're going to hurt my feelings if you don't cooperate. We don't want that, do we?
Kagura *opens her mouth and then closes it when a vision of herself in a seashell bra and fins floats before her eyes* Oh, no, we wouldn't want that.
The beautiful girl pushed open the door and saw a room shining with cleanliness. The floors were perfectly swept, with cute little area rugs scattered around for a touch of hominess, and all the furniture gleamed with polish. There was the smell of baking bread in the air and of a hearty beef stew bubbling. Snow Kagura followed the scent, her eyes closed with bliss at the thought of getting food at long last. It was too bad she hadn't noticed that the door to the kitchen was only about five feet tall.
Kagura Fu*beep*ing *beep* and *beep*ing *beep* *beep* *beep* on a pogo stick!
Oh, my.
Kagura Augh. What moron makes a door that low?
I dunno, maybe the same kind that builds chairs for people that are, oh, about four feet tall.
Kagura I need some sleep.
So the lovely maiden climbed the stairs, being careful with doorways, and found a single bedchamber with seven small beds in it. Grumbling in a way really unfitting for the heroine of a fairy tale, she shoved several of the beds together until she could stretch out comfortably. As she stretched out to sleep, she found herself wondering over the occupants of this strange house.
Kagura Nah, 's going to be the standard seven midgets with beards and *yawn* mining and stuff. Although what kind of fruity dwarf is named "Fluffy", I don't wanna know.
Soon, the seven occupants of the house came home, and noticed immediately someone had been there. Sure, the mud wiped off on the welcome mat was a clue, but the noise worthy of a logging mill in the busy season was the real clue.
Kagura I do NOT snore.
Everyone else Yes, you do.
If I might continue? Thank you. So the seven chibis crept up the stairs and then stared in wonderment at the fair beauty asleep on their beds.
Rin Someone's been sleeping in my bed!
Inuyasha Wrong fairy tale, kid.
Sesshomaru Do not speak harshly to the child, Inuyasha.
Inuyasha Shut up! You want to fight?
Sango Look, she's awake!
Shippo Hiya, lady! I'm Foxy!
Kagura *blinks* Well, I suppose for a child you show potential for the future, but...
Kagome *laughs* No, no, that's his official dwarf name. You have to have a dwarf name to live in a cottage in the woods, it's the law. My name is Genki, with an I.
Miroku *sliding towards Kagura with his best lady-killer smile* My lady, it's a pleasure--
Sango Hoshi-sama! At least allow her five minutes acquaintance before groping the poor girl.
Kagura Let me guess, Pervy and Cranky?
Kagome Yes! How did you know?
Kagura Lucky guess. Who's the rest of the crew?
Kagome Well, this is Cutesy *points to Rin, who grins super-cutely*, and this is Fluffy *points to a scowling Sesshomaru*, and this is Ears *rubs one of Inuyasha's ears affectionately*.
Inuyasha *blushing* Feh! Just because they gave me that stupid name, doesn't mean you can do that.
Sesshomaru At least you, Inuyasha, avoided the indignity of a girly ending vowel.
Kagura Who are you freaks?
Kagome *frowns slightly* Well, I'm Genki, and this is-
Kagura No, I mean, why are all of you so... short. And pudgy.
Sesshomaru *scowls* The beauty and superiority of this Sesshomaru were a threat to that weakling Naraku, so he paid an evil sorceress to transform me to this hideous form.
Kagome Kaede-bachan's not evil! She needed the money, that's all.
Inuyasha Feh. For what, a personality transplant?
Kagura Never mind. So what am I supposed to do around here? I don't do housekeeping.
Rin *bounces on the bed* Tell Rin a story!
Shippo Make it a love story! *makes smoochy faces*
Kagura *looks non-plussed, then thinks for a minute and starts. "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who met this handsome wolf and destroyed most of his clan in horrible and bloody ways, then made their corpses dance the mocking jig. Then he chased her around and she kept kicking his ass by blowing him around with her wind attacks. And they lived happily ever after.
Rin *shell shocked*
Shippo What, no kissing?
Kagura What kind of girl do you think I am?
Once the older chibis recovered from their shock, they hurried to take the children downstairs for a meal, while leaving a member of their party to explain their way of life to the new arrival. We can, perhaps, chalk it up to the lingering effects of the story that the person chosen to do this was Inuyasha. Or perhaps it was a subtle form of revenge. In any case, neither party was permanently harmed, and there was a convenient spell to repair the damage done to the furniture of the bedroom during the fighting.
The next morning, the seven chibis set off to work in the lucrative getting-them-out-of-the-cottage-so-the-plot-can-continue business, each admonishing Snow Kagura to beware of the evil queen. Well, sort of.
Miroku Ah, you must be careful to take care of yourself and not to allow anyone to enter the house. *grope grope*
Sango *smack* Yes, and make sure to put the laundry into the dryer, or it'll get smelly.
Shippo And think up a better story for tonight!
Kagura *rolls her eyes*
Rin I liked your story! Want more killing next time, like Sesshomaru-sama used to do!
Kagome Rin!
Sesshomaru You will please the girl in this. *scowls but only manages to look cutely pouty instead of intimidating*
Inuyasha Feh. I don't see why we've got to go out while she lies around all day.
Kagome *shoos the other chibis out* Just remember, make sure you don't let anybody in! The evil queen has magic and can disguise herself as anything!
Kagura Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. Not completely stupid here, people.
And so our heroine waved goodbye to the seven little people, then turned back into the house and rubbed her hands together, chuckling evilly.
Kagura Now to gather blackmail material.
But, before she could carry through the nefarious plans that would have ended with Snow Kagura dying a miserable and painful death at the hands of a Cranky embarrassed by having her secret diary read out loud to Pervy, there was a knock on the door.
Kagura Crap, it's the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Curiosity, however, overcame the fair maiden, and she peeked out to see who was knocking so persistently at the door.
Kagura *throws door open* Oh, come ON! You're not even disguised, you're just wearing your stupid giant tampon outfit!
Naraku *looking pained* I am a... harmless...old...beggar...woman.
Kagura You have GOT to be kidding. Falling for this would require me to have the IQ of a cabbage.
And, in the distance, Kagura heard the snapping sound of a stick of Ruby--
Kagura I mean, won't you come in and rest, you...dear...old lady?
So the evil queen came in, and Snow Kagura, through the goodness of her heart, did everything she could to make the "poor old woman" comfortable.
Kagura Take a load off. I think that hyper happy one left some sorta snack stuff in the kitchen if you want it.
Naraku Oh, precious child, however can I repay your grace and hospitality? I know! I'll squeeze your heart and chain you up in some kind of weird bdsm-looking room in my palace and then snicker in an evil manner.
Ahem.
Naraku I mean, I will give you this shiny new apple.
That's better.
Kagura What the hell. At least being unconscious means I get a break from this crap.
And so, proving once again that fairy tale heroines have the brain power of moldy cheese, Snow Kagura bit into the apple and slumped to the floor, looking for all the world as if the life had left her body.
Naraku Like she had any to begin with. Puh-leeze. Any less life and she'd have been sitting at home writing lemon fanfics.
...
Naraku *sweatdrop* Why don't I just go meet my untimely end now?
You do that.
Naraku *runs up to the seven chibis* Kill me! Right now! Otherwise she'll have time to get creative.
Inuyasha *blink* She who? What?
Naraku Look, you stupid mutt, you and the rest of these short freaks are supposed to kill me now. Just hurry up and get it done.
You know, I'm thinking, barbecue. Perhaps a weenie roast first, though.
All guys *cringe*
Sango Neh, can I get some popcorn for this bit?
Kagome *flips through script* Oh, no! The evil queen has killed Snow Kagura!
Rin Does that mean Rin doesn't get new story about killing and ass kicking?
Sesshomaru Must I do everything myself? *decapitates Naraku, releasing a shower of gore*
Rin *claps happily* Way cool!
Shippo *shakes head* I'll never understand that girl.
Saddened by the apparent death of Snow Kagura, and pausing only long enough to thoroughly burn the corpse of the evil queen and then scatter the ashes to the four winds, the seven chibis went into mourning. Still, Snow Kagura was so beautiful still that they could not bear to bury her, but built instead a crystal casket so that they could continue to gaze upon her.
Sango You know, that's disgustingly morbid. Wouldn't rot start to set in fairly soon?
Kagome It's just for the story, remember? And the boys made sure that there were enough airholes for her to breathe.
Miroku and Inuyasha look at each other, then at Sesshomaru, who shakes his head. The two numbskulls then scurry to the casket to drill some ventilation, while trying to look nonchalant. Soon afterwards, the handsome wolf prince came running up to the bier.
Kouga What? I can't kill her if she's asleep! Bring her back.
Sango Only the kiss of a handsome prince can do that.
Kouga Well, go get one then.
Inuyasha Moron! What do you think you're supposed to be?
Kouga Uh, the noble wolf who slays the evil bitch and rescues his woman from chibi-dom?
Kagome Um, Kouga-kun. Remember that talk we had?
Yeah, Kouga-kun. Remember that talk we had?
Kouga You mean... Her? I gotta kiss *her*?
All seven chibis Uh-huh.
Get on with it, wolf boy. I want my fangirl moment.
Kouga I must do this for my revenge. For my clansmen.
Kouga removes the top of the crystal bier and looks down at the beautiful girl who seems to be asleep. His stomach tightens as he realizes how truly lovely she is for the first time, and his pulse gets fast as he leans down to brush his lips over Snow Kagura's. Her cold, unresponsive lips soften and start to respond as the kiss continues.
Kagome *looks at her watch* Man, if I'd known he kissed like that, I might've...
Sango Uh-huh.
Inuyasha All right, that's enough. Can we skip to the happily ever after bit now so we can stop being chibi?
Kouga and Kagura slowly start to notice the noise of the outside world, and both open their eyes to look straight into the eyes of the other.
Kouga Argh! I need mouthwash or something!
Kagura Yeah, you're telling me. What've you been eating, innocent villagers who were in your path?
Kouga Bitch! The way you were attacking me with your tongue, I thought I was gonna choke to death.
Kagura That's funny, I could've sworn it was YOUR tongue trying to deep clean my tonsils.
Kouga *blushes, but covers by snarling and getting into fighting mode* Shut up and fight!
Kagura *stands up and gives a small, feral grin* It's your funeral.
Kagome *frowns* If they don't sail off happily into the sunset together, we're going to be chibis forever.
Sesshomaru *ignoring the noise of the fight starting* I have a plan.
They all huddled around the super cute puppy demon to listen to his whispered plan. He could probably have shouted it, because the combatants were focused exclusively on each other, but certain conventions must be upheld.
Miroku *looks admiringly at Sesshoumaru* Why, how devious. Perhaps you will consent to be present with your excellent planning skills when Sango and I are cast in our own fairy tale?
Sango *glare* In your dreams, Hoshi-sama.
Miroku *swoony sigh* Every night, yes.
Inuyasha Are we doing this or jabbering?
Kagome Ready? Set? GO!
Most of the chibis tackled the two combatants, and after a brief dust storm of flying fists and some rope, the hero and heroine were firmly restrained and then carried to a small shack the chibis sometimes used for storage. While they did this, Genki, Foxy and Cutesy, following Fluffy's plan, had removed everything from the interior of the shack, placing in there one futon, one blanket, some food, a lot of sake, and a single candle. Then the handsome prince and Snow Kagura were stripped of all their clothes and weapons and deposited firmly into the shack.
The noise was truly awful. If not for the tremendous spiritual powers of two of the chibis, the infuriated naked youkais would have burst through the walls of the shack in seconds. As it was, Cutesy and Foxy were dispatched to the cottage in the hope that they would be out of earshot of the snarling, cursing demons.
Inuyasha So how'd you come up with this plan, anyway?
Sesshomaru It's a traditional way to join two warring clans. Either they end up liking each other or one of them finds a way to strangle the other in their sleep.
And so the delicately beautiful chibi shrugged and walked away, leaving the remaining four chibis to stare at the walls of the shack and cringe at the noises inside of it.
Kagome What was that?
Inuyasha Sake bottle to the head.
Miroku Was that a bark?
Some time passed, and the nature of the noises seemed to shift a bit.
Kagome They're starting to breathe heavy. Maybe they're getting tired.
Miroku I don't think--
Inuyasha *blushing furiously* Shut up!
The four chibis joined in a communal blush, and all except Pervy were doing their best not to make eye contact with any of the others. A crashing noise was heard, then a scream.
Miroku Impressive stamina. *ducks away from Cranky*
Sango *smacks Pervy* No one asked you.
Kagome Do you think we should let them out now?
Inuyasha *looks focused* I'd give 'em another minute before interrupting.
Kagome *smacks Ears* Hentai.
And so, eventually, Snow Kagura and the handsome prince walked out of their enforced captivity with goofy smiles and a certain amount of whipped cream in their hair, reclaimed their clothes and thanked the chibis for their loyalty and devotion.
Kagura Thanks for letting me stay, munchkins.
Kouga Hey, dog turd. Take care of Genki or I'll come back and beat you up for old times sake.
Then they walked off together to the prince's kingdom, where Snow Kagura ruled the den with an iron fist, and they lived happily ever after.
The End
Inuyasha What the hell do you mean, the end? I'm still a frickin' chibi!
Ah, yeah. Well, them's the breaks, kid. I'd go suck up to Kaede if you want to stop being super deformed.
Miroku And I believe that I was promised the starring role in your next endeavor, which I'd wanted to discuss with you.
Yeah. Hm. How do you feel about fins?
Author's Note: This fic was written for Sango-sama's Fractured Fairy Tales challenge (and Aya's 'Get Kouga and Kagura Together' challenge, although I still want to do a serious K/K story one of these days), and inspired in part by Dani the Caffeinated Goddess's Slayers Fairy Tale Theater stories ( http://fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=84970 ).
The phrase "Viz Cheez" was originated by the fabulous and talented KellyChan ( http://fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=92753 ), who has had the thorough good taste to be my friend and say she liked my fics since I first started writing anime fanfic. Even if she won't let me stuff Inuyasha into a skimpy corset and g-string.
And yes, I was high on sugar when I started writing, why do you ask?
ALSO! Please, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/iyfanguild - sign up, read the rules and get to nominating and voting!
And while I'm plugging, go read Sailor Bish - it made me roll around howling like a demented laughing thing. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=784220
by Sharlene
Once upon a time, long ago and far away, there was a beautiful queen--
Naraku HEY!
Shut up and get in costume. Those Disney people don't rent stuff out cheap, you know.
Naraku *evil glare* I will not wear that. It's not suitable for my dignity as a Creepy But Hot Bad Guy.
Oh, and dressing like a tampon IS?
Naraku I'll have you know the pelt of an albino baboon is-
Skip it and get in costume. I got a story to tell, here.
Naraku *whining* But it clashes with my eyeshadow.
Deal with it or I switch the story to Cinderella and cast you as the cute little mouse sidekick.
Naraku *grumbles but puts on costume* Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
The queen-- *glare at Naraku, who wisely refrains from interrupting again* Ahem. The queen was a vain person, and took great pride in being the fairest in the land. She had a magic mirror that she consulted constantly, and that reassured her that she was, indeed the fairest. But one day, the mirror had disturbing news.
Kanna You're not the fairest.
Naraku What? Put I paid someone to turn all my competition into chibis! Chibis aren't eligible to be fair bishes.
Kanna ...
Naraku So who's this upstart trying to make out like they're fairer than me?
Kanna Snow Kagura is fairer than you by far.
Naraku That bitch. I knew someone was stealing my special hair treatment! And is it my fault that pink eyeliner gives me a rash?
The evil queen was eaten up by jealousy and he, er, she set the lovely Snow Kagura to do all sorts of menial tasks in the hopes of marring her beauty. Unfortunately for the queen, the tribulations she endured just made Kagura's beauty more brilliant, like facets in a diamond.
Kagura *stomps up to Naraku* I killed those stupid wolves like you said. Their leader swore everlasting revenge, yadda yadda yadda. And here's your stupid dry cleaning.
Ahem. Well, yes, the lovely and gracious Kagura served with all her heart, doing her best to please her wicked stepmother. Anyway, moving on, where was I? Oh, yes. The queen's jealousy grew so great, she even set poor Snow Kagura to doing the work of a maid while dressed in rags. But her beauty shone through, and struck a passing prince like a thunderbolt.
Kouga Hey! You in the rags... You're the bitch who killed my tribesmen!
Kagura You... You didn't wipe your feet! I spent hours cleaning that floor!
Kouga I'll wipe my feet with your face, bitch! Prepare to die.
Kagura *eyes narrowed, whips out fan* Wall of Wind!
The attack with the Viz Cheez name cleared Kouga and all of his muddy footprints out of the courtyard, along with all the leaves that were under the trees.
Kagura Hey, now I'm ahead on the raking! Kickass, I should've thought of this sooner.
Soon, however, the queen's psychotic jealousy (and massive expenditures to repair things broken by Kagura's new cleaning methods) grew too much to bear, and she ordered her huntsman to take the lovely Snow Kagura out into the forest and kill her.
Kagura What kind of mental case wears something like this for a walk in the forest? The chest is too tight and the skirt is too floofy. And yellow? Pfft. I want my kimono back.
Ahem. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to cast the sequel to this, possibly based on The Little Mermaid? I understand those seashell bras itch like gangbusters.
Kagura Oh, I am so happy to be out in the woods in my lovely new dress. Let me pick some flowers.
I thought so. Now, if there are no more unseemly interruptions? Good. The huntsman, on seeing the loveliness and innocence of the pure hearted young girl, was moved to tears, for he could not kill such a wonderful creature.
Kohaku I... I don't want to kill anyone. F-father. Sango. I-
Yeah, yeah, enough angst. Snow Kagura didn't particularly feel like going back, but she knew that the evil queen would require proof the deed had been done. Much as it pained her, she broke her favorite eyeliner in half and gave the two halves to Kohaku to return to the queen.
Kagura *gasp* Not my Carnelian Sunset!
'fraid so, sugar plum.
Kagura Couldn't I just kill a random forest creature and send back its heart? That's more traditional, isn't it?
Nope. Shouldn't have pissed off the Narrator. Be good and you'll get a new stick at the end.
Kagura *sniffling* I... I...
Snow Kagura, sobbing bitter tears, ran deep into the forest, the branches tearing at her hair and clothes, the shadows looming eerily as eyes glowed out of their depths to track her movements. And while she might have been opening her mouth to say something snippy to the author, she remembered what had happened to her Carnelian Sunset eyeliner and kept quiet in the hopes of not losing her Ruby Sunrise eye pencil in a tragic tripping incident.
Kagura Yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Eventually, the panting, terrified Snow Kagura came onto a small, Tudor style cottage in the middle of a small clearing in the woods. Why it was in feudal Japan is a mystery we're just not getting into now, because it would require thought. Still, she was tired, cold, and hungry, so she approached the cottage to beg for shelter.
Kagura *muttering* And apparently I have the survival instincts of a gnat. Maybe there'll be a crazed serial killer in there and it'll all be over.
Now, now, you're going to hurt my feelings if you don't cooperate. We don't want that, do we?
Kagura *opens her mouth and then closes it when a vision of herself in a seashell bra and fins floats before her eyes* Oh, no, we wouldn't want that.
The beautiful girl pushed open the door and saw a room shining with cleanliness. The floors were perfectly swept, with cute little area rugs scattered around for a touch of hominess, and all the furniture gleamed with polish. There was the smell of baking bread in the air and of a hearty beef stew bubbling. Snow Kagura followed the scent, her eyes closed with bliss at the thought of getting food at long last. It was too bad she hadn't noticed that the door to the kitchen was only about five feet tall.
Kagura Fu*beep*ing *beep* and *beep*ing *beep* *beep* *beep* on a pogo stick!
Oh, my.
Kagura Augh. What moron makes a door that low?
I dunno, maybe the same kind that builds chairs for people that are, oh, about four feet tall.
Kagura I need some sleep.
So the lovely maiden climbed the stairs, being careful with doorways, and found a single bedchamber with seven small beds in it. Grumbling in a way really unfitting for the heroine of a fairy tale, she shoved several of the beds together until she could stretch out comfortably. As she stretched out to sleep, she found herself wondering over the occupants of this strange house.
Kagura Nah, 's going to be the standard seven midgets with beards and *yawn* mining and stuff. Although what kind of fruity dwarf is named "Fluffy", I don't wanna know.
Soon, the seven occupants of the house came home, and noticed immediately someone had been there. Sure, the mud wiped off on the welcome mat was a clue, but the noise worthy of a logging mill in the busy season was the real clue.
Kagura I do NOT snore.
Everyone else Yes, you do.
If I might continue? Thank you. So the seven chibis crept up the stairs and then stared in wonderment at the fair beauty asleep on their beds.
Rin Someone's been sleeping in my bed!
Inuyasha Wrong fairy tale, kid.
Sesshomaru Do not speak harshly to the child, Inuyasha.
Inuyasha Shut up! You want to fight?
Sango Look, she's awake!
Shippo Hiya, lady! I'm Foxy!
Kagura *blinks* Well, I suppose for a child you show potential for the future, but...
Kagome *laughs* No, no, that's his official dwarf name. You have to have a dwarf name to live in a cottage in the woods, it's the law. My name is Genki, with an I.
Miroku *sliding towards Kagura with his best lady-killer smile* My lady, it's a pleasure--
Sango Hoshi-sama! At least allow her five minutes acquaintance before groping the poor girl.
Kagura Let me guess, Pervy and Cranky?
Kagome Yes! How did you know?
Kagura Lucky guess. Who's the rest of the crew?
Kagome Well, this is Cutesy *points to Rin, who grins super-cutely*, and this is Fluffy *points to a scowling Sesshomaru*, and this is Ears *rubs one of Inuyasha's ears affectionately*.
Inuyasha *blushing* Feh! Just because they gave me that stupid name, doesn't mean you can do that.
Sesshomaru At least you, Inuyasha, avoided the indignity of a girly ending vowel.
Kagura Who are you freaks?
Kagome *frowns slightly* Well, I'm Genki, and this is-
Kagura No, I mean, why are all of you so... short. And pudgy.
Sesshomaru *scowls* The beauty and superiority of this Sesshomaru were a threat to that weakling Naraku, so he paid an evil sorceress to transform me to this hideous form.
Kagome Kaede-bachan's not evil! She needed the money, that's all.
Inuyasha Feh. For what, a personality transplant?
Kagura Never mind. So what am I supposed to do around here? I don't do housekeeping.
Rin *bounces on the bed* Tell Rin a story!
Shippo Make it a love story! *makes smoochy faces*
Kagura *looks non-plussed, then thinks for a minute and starts. "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who met this handsome wolf and destroyed most of his clan in horrible and bloody ways, then made their corpses dance the mocking jig. Then he chased her around and she kept kicking his ass by blowing him around with her wind attacks. And they lived happily ever after.
Rin *shell shocked*
Shippo What, no kissing?
Kagura What kind of girl do you think I am?
Once the older chibis recovered from their shock, they hurried to take the children downstairs for a meal, while leaving a member of their party to explain their way of life to the new arrival. We can, perhaps, chalk it up to the lingering effects of the story that the person chosen to do this was Inuyasha. Or perhaps it was a subtle form of revenge. In any case, neither party was permanently harmed, and there was a convenient spell to repair the damage done to the furniture of the bedroom during the fighting.
The next morning, the seven chibis set off to work in the lucrative getting-them-out-of-the-cottage-so-the-plot-can-continue business, each admonishing Snow Kagura to beware of the evil queen. Well, sort of.
Miroku Ah, you must be careful to take care of yourself and not to allow anyone to enter the house. *grope grope*
Sango *smack* Yes, and make sure to put the laundry into the dryer, or it'll get smelly.
Shippo And think up a better story for tonight!
Kagura *rolls her eyes*
Rin I liked your story! Want more killing next time, like Sesshomaru-sama used to do!
Kagome Rin!
Sesshomaru You will please the girl in this. *scowls but only manages to look cutely pouty instead of intimidating*
Inuyasha Feh. I don't see why we've got to go out while she lies around all day.
Kagome *shoos the other chibis out* Just remember, make sure you don't let anybody in! The evil queen has magic and can disguise herself as anything!
Kagura Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. Not completely stupid here, people.
And so our heroine waved goodbye to the seven little people, then turned back into the house and rubbed her hands together, chuckling evilly.
Kagura Now to gather blackmail material.
But, before she could carry through the nefarious plans that would have ended with Snow Kagura dying a miserable and painful death at the hands of a Cranky embarrassed by having her secret diary read out loud to Pervy, there was a knock on the door.
Kagura Crap, it's the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Curiosity, however, overcame the fair maiden, and she peeked out to see who was knocking so persistently at the door.
Kagura *throws door open* Oh, come ON! You're not even disguised, you're just wearing your stupid giant tampon outfit!
Naraku *looking pained* I am a... harmless...old...beggar...woman.
Kagura You have GOT to be kidding. Falling for this would require me to have the IQ of a cabbage.
And, in the distance, Kagura heard the snapping sound of a stick of Ruby--
Kagura I mean, won't you come in and rest, you...dear...old lady?
So the evil queen came in, and Snow Kagura, through the goodness of her heart, did everything she could to make the "poor old woman" comfortable.
Kagura Take a load off. I think that hyper happy one left some sorta snack stuff in the kitchen if you want it.
Naraku Oh, precious child, however can I repay your grace and hospitality? I know! I'll squeeze your heart and chain you up in some kind of weird bdsm-looking room in my palace and then snicker in an evil manner.
Ahem.
Naraku I mean, I will give you this shiny new apple.
That's better.
Kagura What the hell. At least being unconscious means I get a break from this crap.
And so, proving once again that fairy tale heroines have the brain power of moldy cheese, Snow Kagura bit into the apple and slumped to the floor, looking for all the world as if the life had left her body.
Naraku Like she had any to begin with. Puh-leeze. Any less life and she'd have been sitting at home writing lemon fanfics.
...
Naraku *sweatdrop* Why don't I just go meet my untimely end now?
You do that.
Naraku *runs up to the seven chibis* Kill me! Right now! Otherwise she'll have time to get creative.
Inuyasha *blink* She who? What?
Naraku Look, you stupid mutt, you and the rest of these short freaks are supposed to kill me now. Just hurry up and get it done.
You know, I'm thinking, barbecue. Perhaps a weenie roast first, though.
All guys *cringe*
Sango Neh, can I get some popcorn for this bit?
Kagome *flips through script* Oh, no! The evil queen has killed Snow Kagura!
Rin Does that mean Rin doesn't get new story about killing and ass kicking?
Sesshomaru Must I do everything myself? *decapitates Naraku, releasing a shower of gore*
Rin *claps happily* Way cool!
Shippo *shakes head* I'll never understand that girl.
Saddened by the apparent death of Snow Kagura, and pausing only long enough to thoroughly burn the corpse of the evil queen and then scatter the ashes to the four winds, the seven chibis went into mourning. Still, Snow Kagura was so beautiful still that they could not bear to bury her, but built instead a crystal casket so that they could continue to gaze upon her.
Sango You know, that's disgustingly morbid. Wouldn't rot start to set in fairly soon?
Kagome It's just for the story, remember? And the boys made sure that there were enough airholes for her to breathe.
Miroku and Inuyasha look at each other, then at Sesshomaru, who shakes his head. The two numbskulls then scurry to the casket to drill some ventilation, while trying to look nonchalant. Soon afterwards, the handsome wolf prince came running up to the bier.
Kouga What? I can't kill her if she's asleep! Bring her back.
Sango Only the kiss of a handsome prince can do that.
Kouga Well, go get one then.
Inuyasha Moron! What do you think you're supposed to be?
Kouga Uh, the noble wolf who slays the evil bitch and rescues his woman from chibi-dom?
Kagome Um, Kouga-kun. Remember that talk we had?
Yeah, Kouga-kun. Remember that talk we had?
Kouga You mean... Her? I gotta kiss *her*?
All seven chibis Uh-huh.
Get on with it, wolf boy. I want my fangirl moment.
Kouga I must do this for my revenge. For my clansmen.
Kouga removes the top of the crystal bier and looks down at the beautiful girl who seems to be asleep. His stomach tightens as he realizes how truly lovely she is for the first time, and his pulse gets fast as he leans down to brush his lips over Snow Kagura's. Her cold, unresponsive lips soften and start to respond as the kiss continues.
Kagome *looks at her watch* Man, if I'd known he kissed like that, I might've...
Sango Uh-huh.
Inuyasha All right, that's enough. Can we skip to the happily ever after bit now so we can stop being chibi?
Kouga and Kagura slowly start to notice the noise of the outside world, and both open their eyes to look straight into the eyes of the other.
Kouga Argh! I need mouthwash or something!
Kagura Yeah, you're telling me. What've you been eating, innocent villagers who were in your path?
Kouga Bitch! The way you were attacking me with your tongue, I thought I was gonna choke to death.
Kagura That's funny, I could've sworn it was YOUR tongue trying to deep clean my tonsils.
Kouga *blushes, but covers by snarling and getting into fighting mode* Shut up and fight!
Kagura *stands up and gives a small, feral grin* It's your funeral.
Kagome *frowns* If they don't sail off happily into the sunset together, we're going to be chibis forever.
Sesshomaru *ignoring the noise of the fight starting* I have a plan.
They all huddled around the super cute puppy demon to listen to his whispered plan. He could probably have shouted it, because the combatants were focused exclusively on each other, but certain conventions must be upheld.
Miroku *looks admiringly at Sesshoumaru* Why, how devious. Perhaps you will consent to be present with your excellent planning skills when Sango and I are cast in our own fairy tale?
Sango *glare* In your dreams, Hoshi-sama.
Miroku *swoony sigh* Every night, yes.
Inuyasha Are we doing this or jabbering?
Kagome Ready? Set? GO!
Most of the chibis tackled the two combatants, and after a brief dust storm of flying fists and some rope, the hero and heroine were firmly restrained and then carried to a small shack the chibis sometimes used for storage. While they did this, Genki, Foxy and Cutesy, following Fluffy's plan, had removed everything from the interior of the shack, placing in there one futon, one blanket, some food, a lot of sake, and a single candle. Then the handsome prince and Snow Kagura were stripped of all their clothes and weapons and deposited firmly into the shack.
The noise was truly awful. If not for the tremendous spiritual powers of two of the chibis, the infuriated naked youkais would have burst through the walls of the shack in seconds. As it was, Cutesy and Foxy were dispatched to the cottage in the hope that they would be out of earshot of the snarling, cursing demons.
Inuyasha So how'd you come up with this plan, anyway?
Sesshomaru It's a traditional way to join two warring clans. Either they end up liking each other or one of them finds a way to strangle the other in their sleep.
And so the delicately beautiful chibi shrugged and walked away, leaving the remaining four chibis to stare at the walls of the shack and cringe at the noises inside of it.
Kagome What was that?
Inuyasha Sake bottle to the head.
Miroku Was that a bark?
Some time passed, and the nature of the noises seemed to shift a bit.
Kagome They're starting to breathe heavy. Maybe they're getting tired.
Miroku I don't think--
Inuyasha *blushing furiously* Shut up!
The four chibis joined in a communal blush, and all except Pervy were doing their best not to make eye contact with any of the others. A crashing noise was heard, then a scream.
Miroku Impressive stamina. *ducks away from Cranky*
Sango *smacks Pervy* No one asked you.
Kagome Do you think we should let them out now?
Inuyasha *looks focused* I'd give 'em another minute before interrupting.
Kagome *smacks Ears* Hentai.
And so, eventually, Snow Kagura and the handsome prince walked out of their enforced captivity with goofy smiles and a certain amount of whipped cream in their hair, reclaimed their clothes and thanked the chibis for their loyalty and devotion.
Kagura Thanks for letting me stay, munchkins.
Kouga Hey, dog turd. Take care of Genki or I'll come back and beat you up for old times sake.
Then they walked off together to the prince's kingdom, where Snow Kagura ruled the den with an iron fist, and they lived happily ever after.
The End
Inuyasha What the hell do you mean, the end? I'm still a frickin' chibi!
Ah, yeah. Well, them's the breaks, kid. I'd go suck up to Kaede if you want to stop being super deformed.
Miroku And I believe that I was promised the starring role in your next endeavor, which I'd wanted to discuss with you.
Yeah. Hm. How do you feel about fins?
Author's Note: This fic was written for Sango-sama's Fractured Fairy Tales challenge (and Aya's 'Get Kouga and Kagura Together' challenge, although I still want to do a serious K/K story one of these days), and inspired in part by Dani the Caffeinated Goddess's Slayers Fairy Tale Theater stories ( http://fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=84970 ).
The phrase "Viz Cheez" was originated by the fabulous and talented KellyChan ( http://fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=92753 ), who has had the thorough good taste to be my friend and say she liked my fics since I first started writing anime fanfic. Even if she won't let me stuff Inuyasha into a skimpy corset and g-string.
And yes, I was high on sugar when I started writing, why do you ask?
ALSO! Please, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/iyfanguild - sign up, read the rules and get to nominating and voting!
And while I'm plugging, go read Sailor Bish - it made me roll around howling like a demented laughing thing. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=784220