Author's Note: If you've ever been a kid, chances are you've encountered Dr. Seuss's book, "The Cat in the Hat." The verses herein (mostly) parallel the verse-scheme in "Cat," so if you've got the Seuss handy, go ahead and cross-reference.
Disclaimers: "Cat in the Hat" and Lord of the Rings are NOT MINE! Please do not sue. I am NOT making any money off of this.
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THE LORD OF THE RING
The third age was ending.
A shadow was grown
In the east as a rumor
Of death was made known.
I sat there with Samwise
And Gandalf, we three
And I said, "How I wish
the Ring'd not come to me!"
We ran then for Bree
And we dashed through the rain
At the Pony we waited
For Gandalf, in vain.
So all we could do was to
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
And we did not like it.
For we fled too late.
And then
Something went hiss!
How that hiss made me wish . . .
We hid!
And we heard their blades drawn with a shing!
We hid!
They're the servants
The Lord of the Ring!
And he said to me
"Why do you hide with my Ring?"
"I know you're afraid
But my eye is not blinded
You might have lived
If only you'd minded!
"I know some good games we could play,"
He said with a grin.
"I know some neat tricks,"
Said the Lord of the Ring.
"A lot of mean tortures
I'll show them to you
Your wizard
Is helpless to help if I do."
Then Samwise and I
With Strider ran 'way
Our wizard was gone from our group
For the day.
Aragorn said "Look out!
Hear the Nazgul's cold cry
Tell the Lord of the Ring
You do NOT want to die.
He should not be here.
We have banished him oft.
He should not be here
So we tell him: piss off!"
"Now! Now! Have no fear!"
Said the master of sin.
"Your death will be quick,"
Said the Lord of the Ring.
"Why, Gollum told
All when my minions attacked
And you'll all feel the same
Once Gondor's been sacked!"
"Die you fiends!" said Strider
"Though I know it's not Sting
Die you fiends!" said Strider.
"You'll not get the Ring!"
"Don't worry!" said the lord.
"They will never quite die.
I've enslaved nine rulers
With nine Rings of mine.
And the seven all eaten
Or else gathered in hoard-
But that is not ALL I have done!"
Said the lord . . .
"Halfling, run!
Halfling, run now!" said the Lord.
"Afford me amusement
Before you all are gored!
I will find the Three yet!
I will master them all
To this world's full regret!
Watch out!
I sent out my wraiths to kill you all!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all . . .
"Halfling, hide!
Halfling, hide!
Halfling, hide fast!
You are easy to find
And you're not built to last.
I can cover the lands
With a darkness or two
I can step on Narsil
When Elendil's through!
I have orcs and minions
And a goblin to spare
And look! I've two strongholds
Which are both built to scare!
I control all things living
That fly, run or crawl
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all . . . "
That is what the Lord said . . .
Then they broke Pale King's head!
His power was shivered
From the stroke of the blow
But Samwise and I
To Mount Doom we must go!
And Strider rode outward
To where undead men rot
He said, "Do I like this?
Oh, no! I do not!"
"This is not a fun ride,"
Said an elf as he went
"But I will go forward
'Cause Sauron's hell-bent."
"Now look what you did!"
Said the King then to Merry.
"Now look at my head!
Blades in it are buried!
You broke my nice crown
Broke it straight down in two
You shook up my horsie
And you slashed my cloak through.
You SHOULD NOT do that
When a wizard's about.
I must run home to dad!"
Said the King at the rout.
"Oh, I don't like that game,
I don't like it at all!"
Said the Lord of the Ring
At Gondor's near-fall.
"I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!"
"And so," said the Lord of the Ring,
"So
so
so . . .
I will show you
Another neat trick that I know!"
Then he whistled up
Two nasties to plague us
The Lord of the Ring
Began to beseige us.
A black mountain pass
Bordered by a stair
"Come on down the pass,"
Said the Lord.
"But beware!"
For the Lord had a plan
For us hobbits abhored
"I'll send you a guide for the mount,"
Said the Lord.
"In this pass are two things.
You will meet in accord.
You'll get to know them very well,"
Said the Lord.
Then he opened the gateway.
And we saw something new
Slinking and stinking
The first one of two.
This Thing did not bite us
He 'wanted to help'
He showed us the stair
Above which the second thing waited.
In lair
She said "How do you do?"
Would you like to be eaten
By Thing number two?"
And Samwise and I
Did not know what to do.
But we had to escape
From Thing One and Thing Two.
We slashed at the webbing
And I muttered, "No! No!"
We're doing it wrong
The star-glass makes them go!"
The star-glass repelled her
And slinking One too
But I got a mean bite off
Old Thing number two.
"Have no fear, halflings,"
Said the Lord of the Ring.
"These Things were mean Things
But the gal's yet to sing.
Here are orcs. Oh, so tame!
And they do love to play
They will give Sam some fun
On this cold, wet, black day."
"Now here is a game that Orcs like:
Find the Ring!
They'll search your dead pal,"
Said the Lord of the Ring.
"No! Never my master!"
Said Samwise, in shame
"They should not search him!
Mister Frodo! They'll not!
Oh, the monsters I'll slay
Oh, the beasts I will hit!
For I do not like it!
Not one little bit!"
Then Samwise chased I
And the orcs down the pass
He saw them take me
Into Ungol, at last
Crash! Smash! Crash! Smash!
Locked into Ungol, at last.
Monsters and goblins!
They were up! They were down!
Yet they thought Sam a warrior
Of Elven renown!
They fled from his Stinging
And we ran from the tower
For we had to unmake
That dread One Ring of power!
Then we stumbled through Mordor
Wearing cloaks as disguises
And the Ring growing heavy
As to its fate it wises.
And I said,
"I do NOT want the Ring to be burned!
Damn Gandalf and Strider!
This power I've earned!"
Then Sam said, "Look out!"
And Gollum jumped my back
He bit the finger that held it
Did he not?
Then what did he do with it?What did he do?
He fell into the lava
And Gollum is through!
And THEN!
Who else died on that day
With the Ring?
"My power is crumbling!"
Screamed the Lord of the Ring.
"I think I am done for, and my Ring is gone!
And so . . .
I will show you
The vanishing trick that I know!"
Then Gwaihir the Windlord
Hauled our butts from the mount
And brought us to Strider
Who was gonna be crowned.
The adventure is ended,
I'm really all beat
LOTR is ended.
Sail home with the Fleet.