A Night on the 'Town'
Disclaimer: They and the songs are not mine
WARNING: Strong language usage. DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER if you are offended. You have been warned
Chapter Three: I'm an Asshole
Draco scooted away from a very odd Hermione. And the look on his father's face labeled him with 'Certain DOOM.' Harry's grin got more diabolical when Draco's father came into the Great Hall. He hadn't expect him to show up, but now that he was here. Why not let him join in the fun? And just for kicks he pulled out his wand and murmured a spell, which caused Luscius Malfoy to become very drunk. Then he slipped his wand away and let the next song play.
Luscius Malfoy had picked up one of the dropped microphones and began to talk, along with the music, "Folks. I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts. Or maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon. We don't know."
Draco stared at Harry who was smirking at him and mouthed, 'You little-' and Harry shook his head while his grin got wider.
Luscius continued on, this time singing, "I'm just a regular joe. With a regular job. I'm your average white, Suburbanite slob. I like football, and porno, and books about war."
Hermione started laughing uncontrollably, as did Harry. The thought of a very drunken Luscius Malfoy telling the world he liked porno and football, was enough to make nearly anyone laugh. Ron had slowly made his way back to the Great Hall, no longer sick. And Snape was right behind him, looking a little green still.
But they both stopped in the middle of the doorway as Luscius continued to sing, "I've got an average house, With a nice hardwood floor. My wife, and my job, my kids, and my car.
My feet on the table, With a Cuban cigar." Then his voice sounded a little angrier, "But sometimes that just ain't enough, To keep a man like me interested, Oh no. No way! uh uhh! No I gotta go out and have fun, At someone else's expense, Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah,"
Snape's jaw dropped and Draco had already been wrestling with Harry for control over the kareokee machine. But Harry was getting the best of him, even if he was in a fit of giggles. All the other teachers placed a hand over their mouths to keep from doing anything other than watching.
"I drive really slow, In the ultra fast lane, while people, behind me, are going insane."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole."
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, such an asshole!"
Ron's eyes bugged out, as soon has his older brother, Percy, decided to join in on the song. Harry was laughing until tears came running down his cheeks. Professor McGonagall excused herself and hurried out of the Great Hall. But everyone could hear her laughing until her sides swelled with pain from the lack of air. Draco just was horrified of his father singing a song that was actually true about him. Collin was taking pictures and the rest of the students watched in a mix of both laughter, and shock.
Luscius: "I use public toilets, And I piss on the seats"
The girls made faces, "EWWWWWWW!" and the guys were falling off their benches in laughter.
Luscius: "I walk around in the summer time, Sayin' 'How about this heat?'"
Luscius: I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's the worlds biggest asshole"
Luscius: "Sometimes I park in handicaped spaces, While handicaped People, make handicaped faces."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's a big fucking asshole"
Ron's jaw dropped even further when Percy, who was the Griffindor Prefect, swore for the first time, in front of him. He also saw Hermione and Harry holding Draco back from getting to the Kareokee machine. He was going to watch all of this, after all he made the bet with Harry.
Luscius looked to Dumbledore, "Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song. Ranting and raving and carring on. Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong." he looked to all the students and shrugged, "NAAAHHHHH."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, what an asshole"
Luscius: 'I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's the worlds biggest asshole"
Then the music quieted down and Luscius took in a big breath and went back to talking. Not normal talking, but a fast talk. almost a rap type talk, "You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadaliac Eldarado Convertible. Hot Pink! With whale skin hub caps. An all leather cow interior. And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby. At 115 miles per hour. Getting one mile per gallon. Sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrafoam containers. And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers. I'm gonna wipe my mouth in the American flag. And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side. And there ain't a God damn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? 'Cause we got the bombs, that's why. Two words," he held up two fingers, "Nuclear Fucking Weapons, OK!? Russia, Germany, Romania, They can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake. Walk right through the middle of Tienemen Square. And it won't make a lick of difference. Because we got the bombs, OK!?"
By then all the students were rolling on the floor in laughter. All the teachers were laughing hysterically, even Dumbledore and Snape. Ron looked still flabbergasted, but at least he began to laugh. He still couldn't believe that it was Malfoy's FATHER saying all this. Harry really was a genius for this. He couldn't wait to tell Harry that this was the best yet.
Luscius: "John Wayne's not dead, He's frozen. And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the duke. And he's gonna be pretty pissed off, You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times, That's how pissed off the duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the duke, And John Desimeties, And Lee Marvinhaugh. And Sam Beckinforth, And a case of whiskey, And drive down to Texas, And-"
Percy: "Hey! Hey! You know you really are an asshole. Why don't you shut up and sing the song pal, You know the whole time I thought I was that asshole, And it turns out it was him, What an Asshole."
Luscius shrugs, "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, what an asshole"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's the worlds biggest asshole"
Both: "A, SS, HO, LE! Everybody! A, SS, HO, LE!"
The song came close to an end and Luscius hadn't been aware that he had been singing. Then just at the very end he simply stated, "I'm an asshole, and I'm Proud of it!" Harry whipped out his wand and took off the drunken spell on Luscius and giggled. Draco was horrified. How on earth could Potter do that to him?! Then Luscius looked disgusted and forced his way out of the Great Hall.
Disclaimer: They and the songs are not mine
WARNING: Strong language usage. DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER if you are offended. You have been warned
Chapter Three: I'm an Asshole
Draco scooted away from a very odd Hermione. And the look on his father's face labeled him with 'Certain DOOM.' Harry's grin got more diabolical when Draco's father came into the Great Hall. He hadn't expect him to show up, but now that he was here. Why not let him join in the fun? And just for kicks he pulled out his wand and murmured a spell, which caused Luscius Malfoy to become very drunk. Then he slipped his wand away and let the next song play.
Luscius Malfoy had picked up one of the dropped microphones and began to talk, along with the music, "Folks. I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts. Or maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon. We don't know."
Draco stared at Harry who was smirking at him and mouthed, 'You little-' and Harry shook his head while his grin got wider.
Luscius continued on, this time singing, "I'm just a regular joe. With a regular job. I'm your average white, Suburbanite slob. I like football, and porno, and books about war."
Hermione started laughing uncontrollably, as did Harry. The thought of a very drunken Luscius Malfoy telling the world he liked porno and football, was enough to make nearly anyone laugh. Ron had slowly made his way back to the Great Hall, no longer sick. And Snape was right behind him, looking a little green still.
But they both stopped in the middle of the doorway as Luscius continued to sing, "I've got an average house, With a nice hardwood floor. My wife, and my job, my kids, and my car.
My feet on the table, With a Cuban cigar." Then his voice sounded a little angrier, "But sometimes that just ain't enough, To keep a man like me interested, Oh no. No way! uh uhh! No I gotta go out and have fun, At someone else's expense, Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah,"
Snape's jaw dropped and Draco had already been wrestling with Harry for control over the kareokee machine. But Harry was getting the best of him, even if he was in a fit of giggles. All the other teachers placed a hand over their mouths to keep from doing anything other than watching.
"I drive really slow, In the ultra fast lane, while people, behind me, are going insane."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole."
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, such an asshole!"
Ron's eyes bugged out, as soon has his older brother, Percy, decided to join in on the song. Harry was laughing until tears came running down his cheeks. Professor McGonagall excused herself and hurried out of the Great Hall. But everyone could hear her laughing until her sides swelled with pain from the lack of air. Draco just was horrified of his father singing a song that was actually true about him. Collin was taking pictures and the rest of the students watched in a mix of both laughter, and shock.
Luscius: "I use public toilets, And I piss on the seats"
The girls made faces, "EWWWWWWW!" and the guys were falling off their benches in laughter.
Luscius: "I walk around in the summer time, Sayin' 'How about this heat?'"
Luscius: I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's the worlds biggest asshole"
Luscius: "Sometimes I park in handicaped spaces, While handicaped People, make handicaped faces."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "He's an asshole, what an asshole!"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's a big fucking asshole"
Ron's jaw dropped even further when Percy, who was the Griffindor Prefect, swore for the first time, in front of him. He also saw Hermione and Harry holding Draco back from getting to the Kareokee machine. He was going to watch all of this, after all he made the bet with Harry.
Luscius looked to Dumbledore, "Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song. Ranting and raving and carring on. Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong." he looked to all the students and shrugged, "NAAAHHHHH."
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, what an asshole"
Luscius: 'I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's the worlds biggest asshole"
Then the music quieted down and Luscius took in a big breath and went back to talking. Not normal talking, but a fast talk. almost a rap type talk, "You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadaliac Eldarado Convertible. Hot Pink! With whale skin hub caps. An all leather cow interior. And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby. At 115 miles per hour. Getting one mile per gallon. Sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrafoam containers. And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers. I'm gonna wipe my mouth in the American flag. And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side. And there ain't a God damn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? 'Cause we got the bombs, that's why. Two words," he held up two fingers, "Nuclear Fucking Weapons, OK!? Russia, Germany, Romania, They can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake. Walk right through the middle of Tienemen Square. And it won't make a lick of difference. Because we got the bombs, OK!?"
By then all the students were rolling on the floor in laughter. All the teachers were laughing hysterically, even Dumbledore and Snape. Ron looked still flabbergasted, but at least he began to laugh. He still couldn't believe that it was Malfoy's FATHER saying all this. Harry really was a genius for this. He couldn't wait to tell Harry that this was the best yet.
Luscius: "John Wayne's not dead, He's frozen. And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the duke. And he's gonna be pretty pissed off, You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times, That's how pissed off the duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the duke, And John Desimeties, And Lee Marvinhaugh. And Sam Beckinforth, And a case of whiskey, And drive down to Texas, And-"
Percy: "Hey! Hey! You know you really are an asshole. Why don't you shut up and sing the song pal, You know the whole time I thought I was that asshole, And it turns out it was him, What an Asshole."
Luscius shrugs, "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's an asshole, what an asshole"
Luscius: "I'm an asshole"
Percy: "he's the worlds biggest asshole"
Both: "A, SS, HO, LE! Everybody! A, SS, HO, LE!"
The song came close to an end and Luscius hadn't been aware that he had been singing. Then just at the very end he simply stated, "I'm an asshole, and I'm Proud of it!" Harry whipped out his wand and took off the drunken spell on Luscius and giggled. Draco was horrified. How on earth could Potter do that to him?! Then Luscius looked disgusted and forced his way out of the Great Hall.