Psychopaths Anonymous
The First Meeting
By Chenin Limback
With Contributions By Tiffany Kennedy
Note: I'm Chenin. Tiffany is my friend who used to pretend she had Hannibal locked in her basement.
Chenin: Good evening and welcome to the first PA meeting!
Hannibal Lecter: PA? You mean those things that people say announcements over in schools?
Chenin: No. Psychopaths Anonymous!
Buffalo Bill: (whining loudly) I wanna go home and play with Precious!
Chenin: Quiet. Now let's start with admitting your problems. Mason Verger, you go first.
Mason Verger: Herro. My name if Mashon Verver and I am a fychopaph.
Chenin: Very good. Your turn, Dr. Lecter.
Hannibal: Hello. My name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter and I am not a psychopath!
Chenin: (whispering) I know that, but you're supposed to pretend you are, remember?!!
Hannibal: But I don't wanna be a psychopath!
Chenin: Quit complaining! Okay, James Gumb, a.k.a. Buffalo Bill, it's your turn.
Bill: Uh, hello. My name is Buffalo Bill and I am a woman.
Chenin: Uh, no, you're supposed to say psychopath.
Bill: But I'm a woman! A WOMAN!!!
Chenin: Oookay, back to you Mason Verger. What is your particular problem?
Mason: I rike to hang myshelf and feed my fafe to dogsh.
Chenin: That's nice. When did you start having this problem?
Mason: When I wav at shummer camp in my chilshood. It all shtarted when I wav on the monkey barvsh-
Chenin: Okay, we don't need your whole life story, Mason, just about how old you were when this happened.
Mason: Are you fur you don't wansh to hear abouf shummer-
Chenin: Yes! I don't want to hear about summer camp! Just tell me how old you were-
Mason: Vell, when my fasher shtarted zuh camp, It wash in shuh shpring of 19-
Chenin: NO, NO, NO!!! Just give me a number! Were you 5 or 6 or-
Mason: Vell, shuh camp wash built when I wash 5, but my fasher shaid I wash too young to go zat year, and zen zuh neksht year I had vuh flu, sho-
Chenin: Oh, forget it! Dr. Lecter, what is your problem?
Hannibal: My PROBLEM is that I'm being made to say I'm a psychopath when I'm really not!!
Chenin: Um, I thought maybe we could talk about cannibalism-
Hannibal: What's to know!?? I eat people! Do you have a problem with that!!??
Chenin: No, Doctor, I'm only trying to-
Hannibal: I am not a psychopath! I wanna go back to Florence!! Maybe I can eat Allegra Pazzi!
Chenin: Would you get your mind off food!!?? I'm trying to interview you here!!
Hannibal: Maybe I'll cooperate if you get me a nice Chianti!!
Chenin: Fine! Mason, go get Dr. Lecter a Chianti! Meanwhile, let's move on to Buffalo Bill. Alright Bill, what is it that you have problems with?
Bill: I have problems with my sewing! See, I still need to sew the butt onto my woman's suit, but I can't find a woman with a big enough butt to do the job, so I've been looking-
Chenin: No, Bill, I mean what's your mental problem?
Bill: I don't have one. I'm just a woman trapped in a man's body!
Chenin: If you say so. When did you start to feel like you were a woman trapped in a man's body?
Bill: What do you mean "when"!? I've always been a woman trapped in a man's body!!
Chenin: Okay, but when did you start to notice it?
Bill: I don't remember!! Stop asking me so many questions! You're confusing meeee!!!
Chenin: Oh, for God's sake, stop whining! Oh, good, Mason, you're back with Dr. Lecter's Chianti!
Mason: (wheels up to Hannibal). Here if your Chianchi, Docsher Recsher.
Hannibal: Thank you, Mason. Now, all I need is some fava beans and your liver to go with it! (Lunges at Mason)
Chenin: (pushes a red button on the arm of her chair and electricity zaps Hannibal). Down, boy.
Hannibal: AAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!! You electrocuted me!!!
Chenin: Naturally. We can't have you eating Mason and Bill, now can we?
Hannibal: WHY NOT!!!????
Chenin: BECAUSE I MIGHT GET SUED AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! Anyway, if that weren't the case you could go ahead and eat them.
Mason and Bill: WHAT!!?? (VAT!!??)
Hannibal: Okey Dokey! I'll eat them some other time.
Chenin: Thanks.
Mason: And he fez he'sh nof a fycopaph.
Chenin: Hey! If he says he's not, then he's not!
Mason: Buf, how can he notsh ve? He'sh a cannibar afsher all!
Chenin: It's simple! He only eats rude people! There's a method to his madness!
Hannibal: I AM NOT MAD!!!
Chenin: It's only a figure of speech.
Hannibal: Oh...
Mason: Ofay. Zen if he'sh nosh a fycopaph ven why ish he here?
Chenin: We need a minimum of three members in order to be considered a national organization! Plus, I wanted him here so that I could- (blushes) Never mind! Now it's time for each of you to discuss your feelings. Mason, what is something that really bothers you?
Mason: Vell, zuh fact zat my fasher's shummer camp wav shut down becuf of rack of fundsh-
Chenin: Not summer camp again!! Can't you think of anything ELSE to talk about!?
Mason: Buf shummer camp wav jusht zuh highright of my chilshood-
Chenin: Well nobody cares about summer camp! We're here to talk about your mental problem!!
Mason: Vat menshal probshlem?
Chenin: The one about feeding your face to dogs!!
Mason: Oh, shat!!
Chenin: Oh, shit, what?
Mason: No, I shaid, 'Oh, shat!'"
Chenin: Well, nobody can understand you!
Mason: Zat'sh becaush I fed my fafe to dogsh!
Chenin: Okay, then let's talk about that!
Mason: Vell, it all shtarted at shummer camp-
Chenin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! If you say one more word about summer camp, I'll.I'll.
Hannibal: Let me eat him?
Chenin: I'm starting to consider it... Okay, Buffalo Bill, why don't you tell everyone what really bothers you?
Bill: (starts to cry) I'm not a womaaaaaaannnnnnnnn! I don't have enough money for the operatioooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!I have to resort to making a suit, and it's hard to make ooooooooooooooooooone! I wanna be a womaaaaaaaannnnnnnn! I wanna, I wanna, I wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chenin: OH, SHUT UP, YA BIG BABY!! Anyway, Dr. Lecter, what is it that bothers you?
Hannibal: You mean besides them? (gestures to Bill and Mason). Well, rude people bother me. Dr. Chilton used to bother me, but I ate him.
Chenin: I'll accept that answer. Now, since you are a psychiatrist, would you be kind enough to give a diagnosis on these other two?
Hannibal: They're both rude and would taste good with caviar.
Chenin: I can't argue with that.
Mason: Now, jusht a minush! I shink zat you two should shtop inshulting ush!! We fychopaphsh haf feelingsh too!!!
Chenin: Nobody said you didn't. But, besides that, nobody said that joining PA would be a positive experience. This organization is not responsible for depression or suicide as a result of being insulted in one of the meetings. On the other hand, the organization may be held responsible for murder if Hannibal Lecter eats one of you.
Hannibal: That's too bad.
Chenin: Yeah, it really is.
Mason: I shee.
Chenin: Now, in conclusion of today's meeting, all of the psychopaths-
Bill: I'm a woman!!
Chenin: (rolls eyes) We know. Anyway, all of you should go around in a circle and state something positive that you learned today. Buffalo Bill, you go first.
Bill: I learned that I'm a woman.
Chenin: But you were saying that before you came here.
Bill: (whining) But I don't know what else to saaaaay! You're confusing meeeeeeee!
Chenin: Please stop whining, you're giving me a headache! Alright, Dr. Lecter, you're next.
Hannibal: I learned that if there were more people like them in the world, I'd never have to worry about going hungry.
Chenin: Well, that's a good lesson. Mason, what did you learn?
Mason: I learnshed zat zer ish someone who'sh actually crashier zen me!
Chenin: And who would that be?
Mason: Zish Buffaro Woman here! Now, he'sh meshed up!
Bill: What do you mean!? You're a meany!!
Mason: And he'sh a bavy too!!
Bill: (whining very loudly) I AM NOT A BABY!!
(Chenin and Hannibal exchange glances)
Mason: Yesh, you are, you're a big shcrewed up bavy!!
Bill: I AM NOT!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!
Mason: (singsong voice) Bavy, bavy, Birry ish a bavy!!
Bill: I'll kill you, you meany!!! (lunges at Mason)
Mason: (stands up) Rook! It'sh a miracle! I'm cured!! (lunges at Bill)
Chenin: I really don't know which one of them is crazier.
Hannibal: It's one of life's greatest mysteries.
Chenin: (smiles at Hannibal and moves over to sit next to him) Well, I think this first meeting went well.
Hannibal: (smiles back) Very. Would you care for some Chianti?
Chenin: Thank you, I'd love some!
(Chenin and Hannibal sit talking and sipping Chianti as Mason Verger and Buffalo Bill try to kill each other in the background)
Tiffany: (rushes in) FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: Hi Tiffany!! You came just in time for the end of our PA meeting!
Tiffany: PA?
Chenin: (annoyed) Psychopath's Anonymous...? The meeting I've been talking about all week....????
Tiffany: Oh yeah!!! That PA.
Chenin: (rolls eyes) Oh my God.
Tiffany: (notices Hannibal and strides over to him) Hey Hanni!
Hannibal: .hello.
Tiffany: (smiles sweetly). . . HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET OUT OF MY BASEMENT!!!!!!????? I HAD THE ROPES TIED SECURELY!!!!!!!!! HOW DID YOU ESCAPE!!!????
Hannibal: Well, you see-
(Chenin whistles innocently)
Tiffany: I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!!!! I HAD TO WALK FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT JUST TO GET HERE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I REMEMBERED CHENIN'S MEETING!!!!!
(Hannibal cowers slightly)
(Mason and Bill stop long enough to watch Hannibal get chewed out by Tiffany)
Mason: Heysh, look vat thatsh! Mannibar ish shcared of a GIRL!!!!!!!! (sniggers)
Bill: Yeah.....I want her to be my GIRL FRIEND!!!! Not in that way of course, but you know.....YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
(Mason and Bill start acting like cheerleaders)
Chenin: . . . . I'm surrounded by maniacs. . .My meeting has turned into a disaster...
(Tiffany, out of breath, finally stops scolding Hannibal)
Hannibal: Are you done?
Tiffany: (in hoarse voice) Yes. You really scared me there, Doctor. How would I know if you got captured or something? I wouldn't have found out until it was too late. Until after they...gave you the needle... (bursts into tears)
Hannibal: (smiles gently) I apologize for doing so. I will never scare you like that again.
Tiffany: You'd better not!!!!!!!! (sniffles)
Bill: (walks over and puts arm around her) Hello. I'm a woman! (glances down at her arms) You have, er, b-beautiful skin...
(There are a few moments of silence and Hannibal starts to look really mad)
Tiffany: (eyes widen in terror) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away from Bill and hides behind Chenin and Hannibal) SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts wailing loudly)
Chenin: Tiffany, calm down!!!!!!
Tiffany: DON'T LET HIM TAKE MY SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannibal: Do I have permission to eat him now?
Chenin: No, or else we wouldn't have enough members!
Hannibal: (points to Tiffany who is hiding behind him in fear) She seems crazy enough.
Tiffany: I AM NOT CRAZY!!! I am just as sane as you are!!!!!
Hannibal: Hmmm.I think I'll cook something for you tonight, then we'll see who's crazy.
Tiffany: Deal.
Chenin: Huh?
(A bunch of dogs run into the room and up to Mason)
Mason: YOU WILLSH NOT HAVE MY FASHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (backs away from dogs in fear; climbs up on table, and starts crying like a baby)
Dogs: Arf! Arf!!!!
Bill: See, he's a baby too!!!!
Mason: I AM NOSH!!!
Tiffany: They both are.
Chenin: Yeah. (runs up and hugs one of the dogs) See, these cute widdle doggies wouldn't hurt anybody!!!
(The dog licks Chenin's face)
Tiffany: Aww, they're so cute, I want one!!
(Chenin picks up a stick and throws it, and the dogs all run after it, knocking over the table that Mason is standing on. A loud crack is heard as Mason hits the floor)
Mason: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY LEGSH, MY LEEEEGGGGSSSSSHHHHH!
Chenin: Stop bleeding all over the floor, Mason!! Don't you have any respect for cleanliness!!??
Tiffany: Uh, Chenin, he's still bleeding.
Chenin: Oh, for heaven's sake, somebody call a doctor!!
Hannibal: I'm a doctor!
Chenin: Well, I was kind of hoping for a doctor that won't eat him after the examination!
Hannibal: Picky, picky, picky.
Chenin: Sorry. Look, you can eat him later, okay?
Hannibal: You mean it!!??
Chenin: Sure, just as long as it's not during one of our meetings!
Hannibal: I suppose that's fair enough.
(Suddenly the paramedics arrive out of nowhere and drag Mason off)
Chenin: Okay, meeting's over! Everybody go home!!
Bill: Oh good!! Now I can work on my suit!!! (walks off yelling at the top of his lungs) PRECIOOOOUUUUUS!!! MOMMY'S COMING HOME!!!!
Chenin: (rolls eyes) What a nutcase.
Tiffany: C'mon, Hanni, let's go home and have that dinner!!!
Chenin: Don't forget! Our next meeting is at 6:00 on Wednesday!! Hannibal: (smiles) I'm looking forward to it immensely...
Chenin: (blushes) M-me too!! Good-bye, Dr. Lecter! Bye, Tiffany! See you Wednesday!!
Tiffany: Bye!!
Hannibal: Ta-ta!
(They leave. Then Chenin leaves with all the dogs as the janitor comes in to clean the blood off the floor)
THE END
Note: I'm Chenin. Tiffany is my friend who used to pretend she had Hannibal locked in her basement.
Chenin: Good evening and welcome to the first PA meeting!
Hannibal Lecter: PA? You mean those things that people say announcements over in schools?
Chenin: No. Psychopaths Anonymous!
Buffalo Bill: (whining loudly) I wanna go home and play with Precious!
Chenin: Quiet. Now let's start with admitting your problems. Mason Verger, you go first.
Mason Verger: Herro. My name if Mashon Verver and I am a fychopaph.
Chenin: Very good. Your turn, Dr. Lecter.
Hannibal: Hello. My name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter and I am not a psychopath!
Chenin: (whispering) I know that, but you're supposed to pretend you are, remember?!!
Hannibal: But I don't wanna be a psychopath!
Chenin: Quit complaining! Okay, James Gumb, a.k.a. Buffalo Bill, it's your turn.
Bill: Uh, hello. My name is Buffalo Bill and I am a woman.
Chenin: Uh, no, you're supposed to say psychopath.
Bill: But I'm a woman! A WOMAN!!!
Chenin: Oookay, back to you Mason Verger. What is your particular problem?
Mason: I rike to hang myshelf and feed my fafe to dogsh.
Chenin: That's nice. When did you start having this problem?
Mason: When I wav at shummer camp in my chilshood. It all shtarted when I wav on the monkey barvsh-
Chenin: Okay, we don't need your whole life story, Mason, just about how old you were when this happened.
Mason: Are you fur you don't wansh to hear abouf shummer-
Chenin: Yes! I don't want to hear about summer camp! Just tell me how old you were-
Mason: Vell, when my fasher shtarted zuh camp, It wash in shuh shpring of 19-
Chenin: NO, NO, NO!!! Just give me a number! Were you 5 or 6 or-
Mason: Vell, shuh camp wash built when I wash 5, but my fasher shaid I wash too young to go zat year, and zen zuh neksht year I had vuh flu, sho-
Chenin: Oh, forget it! Dr. Lecter, what is your problem?
Hannibal: My PROBLEM is that I'm being made to say I'm a psychopath when I'm really not!!
Chenin: Um, I thought maybe we could talk about cannibalism-
Hannibal: What's to know!?? I eat people! Do you have a problem with that!!??
Chenin: No, Doctor, I'm only trying to-
Hannibal: I am not a psychopath! I wanna go back to Florence!! Maybe I can eat Allegra Pazzi!
Chenin: Would you get your mind off food!!?? I'm trying to interview you here!!
Hannibal: Maybe I'll cooperate if you get me a nice Chianti!!
Chenin: Fine! Mason, go get Dr. Lecter a Chianti! Meanwhile, let's move on to Buffalo Bill. Alright Bill, what is it that you have problems with?
Bill: I have problems with my sewing! See, I still need to sew the butt onto my woman's suit, but I can't find a woman with a big enough butt to do the job, so I've been looking-
Chenin: No, Bill, I mean what's your mental problem?
Bill: I don't have one. I'm just a woman trapped in a man's body!
Chenin: If you say so. When did you start to feel like you were a woman trapped in a man's body?
Bill: What do you mean "when"!? I've always been a woman trapped in a man's body!!
Chenin: Okay, but when did you start to notice it?
Bill: I don't remember!! Stop asking me so many questions! You're confusing meeee!!!
Chenin: Oh, for God's sake, stop whining! Oh, good, Mason, you're back with Dr. Lecter's Chianti!
Mason: (wheels up to Hannibal). Here if your Chianchi, Docsher Recsher.
Hannibal: Thank you, Mason. Now, all I need is some fava beans and your liver to go with it! (Lunges at Mason)
Chenin: (pushes a red button on the arm of her chair and electricity zaps Hannibal). Down, boy.
Hannibal: AAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!! You electrocuted me!!!
Chenin: Naturally. We can't have you eating Mason and Bill, now can we?
Hannibal: WHY NOT!!!????
Chenin: BECAUSE I MIGHT GET SUED AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! Anyway, if that weren't the case you could go ahead and eat them.
Mason and Bill: WHAT!!?? (VAT!!??)
Hannibal: Okey Dokey! I'll eat them some other time.
Chenin: Thanks.
Mason: And he fez he'sh nof a fycopaph.
Chenin: Hey! If he says he's not, then he's not!
Mason: Buf, how can he notsh ve? He'sh a cannibar afsher all!
Chenin: It's simple! He only eats rude people! There's a method to his madness!
Hannibal: I AM NOT MAD!!!
Chenin: It's only a figure of speech.
Hannibal: Oh...
Mason: Ofay. Zen if he'sh nosh a fycopaph ven why ish he here?
Chenin: We need a minimum of three members in order to be considered a national organization! Plus, I wanted him here so that I could- (blushes) Never mind! Now it's time for each of you to discuss your feelings. Mason, what is something that really bothers you?
Mason: Vell, zuh fact zat my fasher's shummer camp wav shut down becuf of rack of fundsh-
Chenin: Not summer camp again!! Can't you think of anything ELSE to talk about!?
Mason: Buf shummer camp wav jusht zuh highright of my chilshood-
Chenin: Well nobody cares about summer camp! We're here to talk about your mental problem!!
Mason: Vat menshal probshlem?
Chenin: The one about feeding your face to dogs!!
Mason: Oh, shat!!
Chenin: Oh, shit, what?
Mason: No, I shaid, 'Oh, shat!'"
Chenin: Well, nobody can understand you!
Mason: Zat'sh becaush I fed my fafe to dogsh!
Chenin: Okay, then let's talk about that!
Mason: Vell, it all shtarted at shummer camp-
Chenin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! If you say one more word about summer camp, I'll.I'll.
Hannibal: Let me eat him?
Chenin: I'm starting to consider it... Okay, Buffalo Bill, why don't you tell everyone what really bothers you?
Bill: (starts to cry) I'm not a womaaaaaaannnnnnnnn! I don't have enough money for the operatioooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!I have to resort to making a suit, and it's hard to make ooooooooooooooooooone! I wanna be a womaaaaaaaannnnnnnn! I wanna, I wanna, I wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chenin: OH, SHUT UP, YA BIG BABY!! Anyway, Dr. Lecter, what is it that bothers you?
Hannibal: You mean besides them? (gestures to Bill and Mason). Well, rude people bother me. Dr. Chilton used to bother me, but I ate him.
Chenin: I'll accept that answer. Now, since you are a psychiatrist, would you be kind enough to give a diagnosis on these other two?
Hannibal: They're both rude and would taste good with caviar.
Chenin: I can't argue with that.
Mason: Now, jusht a minush! I shink zat you two should shtop inshulting ush!! We fychopaphsh haf feelingsh too!!!
Chenin: Nobody said you didn't. But, besides that, nobody said that joining PA would be a positive experience. This organization is not responsible for depression or suicide as a result of being insulted in one of the meetings. On the other hand, the organization may be held responsible for murder if Hannibal Lecter eats one of you.
Hannibal: That's too bad.
Chenin: Yeah, it really is.
Mason: I shee.
Chenin: Now, in conclusion of today's meeting, all of the psychopaths-
Bill: I'm a woman!!
Chenin: (rolls eyes) We know. Anyway, all of you should go around in a circle and state something positive that you learned today. Buffalo Bill, you go first.
Bill: I learned that I'm a woman.
Chenin: But you were saying that before you came here.
Bill: (whining) But I don't know what else to saaaaay! You're confusing meeeeeeee!
Chenin: Please stop whining, you're giving me a headache! Alright, Dr. Lecter, you're next.
Hannibal: I learned that if there were more people like them in the world, I'd never have to worry about going hungry.
Chenin: Well, that's a good lesson. Mason, what did you learn?
Mason: I learnshed zat zer ish someone who'sh actually crashier zen me!
Chenin: And who would that be?
Mason: Zish Buffaro Woman here! Now, he'sh meshed up!
Bill: What do you mean!? You're a meany!!
Mason: And he'sh a bavy too!!
Bill: (whining very loudly) I AM NOT A BABY!!
(Chenin and Hannibal exchange glances)
Mason: Yesh, you are, you're a big shcrewed up bavy!!
Bill: I AM NOT!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!
Mason: (singsong voice) Bavy, bavy, Birry ish a bavy!!
Bill: I'll kill you, you meany!!! (lunges at Mason)
Mason: (stands up) Rook! It'sh a miracle! I'm cured!! (lunges at Bill)
Chenin: I really don't know which one of them is crazier.
Hannibal: It's one of life's greatest mysteries.
Chenin: (smiles at Hannibal and moves over to sit next to him) Well, I think this first meeting went well.
Hannibal: (smiles back) Very. Would you care for some Chianti?
Chenin: Thank you, I'd love some!
(Chenin and Hannibal sit talking and sipping Chianti as Mason Verger and Buffalo Bill try to kill each other in the background)
Tiffany: (rushes in) FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chenin: Hi Tiffany!! You came just in time for the end of our PA meeting!
Tiffany: PA?
Chenin: (annoyed) Psychopath's Anonymous...? The meeting I've been talking about all week....????
Tiffany: Oh yeah!!! That PA.
Chenin: (rolls eyes) Oh my God.
Tiffany: (notices Hannibal and strides over to him) Hey Hanni!
Hannibal: .hello.
Tiffany: (smiles sweetly). . . HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET OUT OF MY BASEMENT!!!!!!????? I HAD THE ROPES TIED SECURELY!!!!!!!!! HOW DID YOU ESCAPE!!!????
Hannibal: Well, you see-
(Chenin whistles innocently)
Tiffany: I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!!!! I HAD TO WALK FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT JUST TO GET HERE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I REMEMBERED CHENIN'S MEETING!!!!!
(Hannibal cowers slightly)
(Mason and Bill stop long enough to watch Hannibal get chewed out by Tiffany)
Mason: Heysh, look vat thatsh! Mannibar ish shcared of a GIRL!!!!!!!! (sniggers)
Bill: Yeah.....I want her to be my GIRL FRIEND!!!! Not in that way of course, but you know.....YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
(Mason and Bill start acting like cheerleaders)
Chenin: . . . . I'm surrounded by maniacs. . .My meeting has turned into a disaster...
(Tiffany, out of breath, finally stops scolding Hannibal)
Hannibal: Are you done?
Tiffany: (in hoarse voice) Yes. You really scared me there, Doctor. How would I know if you got captured or something? I wouldn't have found out until it was too late. Until after they...gave you the needle... (bursts into tears)
Hannibal: (smiles gently) I apologize for doing so. I will never scare you like that again.
Tiffany: You'd better not!!!!!!!! (sniffles)
Bill: (walks over and puts arm around her) Hello. I'm a woman! (glances down at her arms) You have, er, b-beautiful skin...
(There are a few moments of silence and Hannibal starts to look really mad)
Tiffany: (eyes widen in terror) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away from Bill and hides behind Chenin and Hannibal) SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts wailing loudly)
Chenin: Tiffany, calm down!!!!!!
Tiffany: DON'T LET HIM TAKE MY SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannibal: Do I have permission to eat him now?
Chenin: No, or else we wouldn't have enough members!
Hannibal: (points to Tiffany who is hiding behind him in fear) She seems crazy enough.
Tiffany: I AM NOT CRAZY!!! I am just as sane as you are!!!!!
Hannibal: Hmmm.I think I'll cook something for you tonight, then we'll see who's crazy.
Tiffany: Deal.
Chenin: Huh?
(A bunch of dogs run into the room and up to Mason)
Mason: YOU WILLSH NOT HAVE MY FASHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (backs away from dogs in fear; climbs up on table, and starts crying like a baby)
Dogs: Arf! Arf!!!!
Bill: See, he's a baby too!!!!
Mason: I AM NOSH!!!
Tiffany: They both are.
Chenin: Yeah. (runs up and hugs one of the dogs) See, these cute widdle doggies wouldn't hurt anybody!!!
(The dog licks Chenin's face)
Tiffany: Aww, they're so cute, I want one!!
(Chenin picks up a stick and throws it, and the dogs all run after it, knocking over the table that Mason is standing on. A loud crack is heard as Mason hits the floor)
Mason: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY LEGSH, MY LEEEEGGGGSSSSSHHHHH!
Chenin: Stop bleeding all over the floor, Mason!! Don't you have any respect for cleanliness!!??
Tiffany: Uh, Chenin, he's still bleeding.
Chenin: Oh, for heaven's sake, somebody call a doctor!!
Hannibal: I'm a doctor!
Chenin: Well, I was kind of hoping for a doctor that won't eat him after the examination!
Hannibal: Picky, picky, picky.
Chenin: Sorry. Look, you can eat him later, okay?
Hannibal: You mean it!!??
Chenin: Sure, just as long as it's not during one of our meetings!
Hannibal: I suppose that's fair enough.
(Suddenly the paramedics arrive out of nowhere and drag Mason off)
Chenin: Okay, meeting's over! Everybody go home!!
Bill: Oh good!! Now I can work on my suit!!! (walks off yelling at the top of his lungs) PRECIOOOOUUUUUS!!! MOMMY'S COMING HOME!!!!
Chenin: (rolls eyes) What a nutcase.
Tiffany: C'mon, Hanni, let's go home and have that dinner!!!
Chenin: Don't forget! Our next meeting is at 6:00 on Wednesday!! Hannibal: (smiles) I'm looking forward to it immensely...
Chenin: (blushes) M-me too!! Good-bye, Dr. Lecter! Bye, Tiffany! See you Wednesday!!
Tiffany: Bye!!
Hannibal: Ta-ta!
(They leave. Then Chenin leaves with all the dogs as the janitor comes in to clean the blood off the floor)
THE END