by Seishuku Skuld (skuldhotohori@yahoo.com)
Series: X/TB
Pairing: Seishirou x Subaru
Author's Notes: So yeah…I wrote this in the hotel room in Geneva, Switzerland. Right after I threw up at a bar a few blocks away…the night before my sister's wedding. **sweatdrop** I got smashed and had one drink too many, so after projectile vomiting into the street, I felt much better. Good enough to write, at any rate. ^^;;
Hopefully I haven't made you wait TOO long for this chapter. ^^;;
Disclaimers: Subaru and Seishirou are properties of CLAMP. I will sneak in there and steal them….someday….someday…**shakes fist** But in the meantime, I am "borrowing" them. Yes. **cough**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Seishirou stares.
He was relieved when the large family finally got up to leave. At last, some peace and quiet. They cleared out; and Seishirou glanced at the mirror, watching them gather their bags and usher their children. The dim light in the café made it hard to make out the faces of the family, they remained just dark forms shuffling along the length of the mirror's reflection.
The last straggler got up, gathered her little toddler in her arms and departed, revealing a solitary figure sitting across the room.
The white trench coat stands out glaringly bright in the darkness, a single pinpoint of light which draws Seishirou's eye to it.
Then the assassin's heart does a very strange thing. It leaps.
Seishirou snatches up the white lighter, its brightness dimmed in comparison to the presence of its owner across the room. Seishirou puts the thing into the pocket of his pants, his heart palpitating rapidly like the wild beat of a drum.
{Why?}
Why is the Sumeragi here? He cannot remember how many months it has been since he has last seen the young onmyouji. How long has it been since he let him go?
Seishirou draws the lighter from his pocket, looking at it sitting in the palm of his hand. It is such a tiny, lonely little thing. He draws a quick breath, closing his hand, unable to comprehend why his heart beats with such anxiety.
For reasons unknown even to him, the Sakurazuka rises to feet and proceeds in slow steps to the Sumeragi's table. His feet won't let him stop, and even if Seishirou should want to take a last minute turn out to the door, he finds that Subaru's wide green eyes staring at him in disbelief draw him closer as if there were an invisible rope tied to his waist.
He wants to speak to Subaru again, hear his voice; even if the Sumeragi were to condemn him. Strange, how his days journey would lead him here, to Subaru.
Seishirou takes a deep breath, suddenly nervous. He slides smoothly into the seat next to Subaru. He smiles from behind the dark barrier of his sunglasses, and extends his hand.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Subaru looks at Seishirou, his longing and loneliness shining his eyes. His heart thrums quickly in excitement, anxious for even a word from the assassin. But what is it that Seishirou wants? Has the man been tracking him all day? Is this meeting merely a coincidence?
Subaru swallows a little nervously, a multiplicity of thoughts colliding in his head. He is unable to hold onto a single question before it slides through his fingers like thin wisps of smoke. Seishirou sits next to him, an enigmatic smirk on his face. Subaru eyes follow his movement, the green pools staring at their own reflections on the inky opacity of the assassin's shades.
Subaru sees himself: confused, lonely, and a little afraid; he sees his own image overlaid with the contrast of Seishirou's dark sunglasses. His visage stares back at him, his pale surrounded by the ebony reflection as if he belonged to the darkness; an odd mosaic of white and black. Subaru finds the picture slightly disturbing, but schools himself into an expression of neutrality.
Seishirou's hand comes forward, the closed fingers unfurling to reveal a white lighter sitting in his palm. Subaru stares at the forlorn thing for a moment before realizing it is his.
"You left this, Subaru-kun."
The Sumeragi closes his eyes and does not respond. Seishirou, unperturbed, continues.
"I kept it for you. You can have it back now."
Subaru frowns, wondering if Seishirou is again playing one of his twisted games. He attempts to appear indignant and insulted that Seishirou would still be toying with him, but oddly, he can't summon the effort. Defeated, Subaru decides to just ask his questions.
"Why are you giving it back to me?"
"Because it is yours, Subaru-kun."
"I don't understand."
"Do you want it back, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru looks at it again. He's hardly missed the thing. He has plenty of lighters, Seishirou must know that.
::Then why did he keep it?::
Nevetheless, Subaru puts his hands over Seishirou's, his fingers curling around the plastic, brushing against the smooth skin of Seishirou's palm. Its soft texture reminds him of the petals of a cherry tree.
"Thank you, Seishirou-san," Subaru says quietly, his hand lingering on Seishirou's. The Sakurazuka smiles.
"You are welcome, Subaru-kun."
Subaru quickly draws his hand away, as if he has been burnt. He shoves the thing into his pocket, his cheeks beginning to flush. A long silence ensues as both onmyouji think of what to say and what to do.
Subaru's logic cautions him to leave, to leave Seishirou behind as he did months ago. His heart is confused. His instincts tell him to stay, if only to satisfy the loneliness always tugging at the back of his mind.
He went out today to surround himself in people, surround himself with life. The day brought him to Seishirou. The choice between the man who ruined his life and an empty bed in an empty room is not a difficult one for the Sumeragi. He knows the latter far too well.
"Have you eaten yet, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru shakes his head. "I've just barely ordered. And you, Seishirou-san?"
"I have already finished my meal. But I have room for dessert. Would you mind if I joined you?"
Subaru smiles. "Not at all." Seishirou impulsively reaches for his hand and gives it a squeeze. Seishirou smiles, and raises Subaru's hand to his lips. He gives the dual pentagrams gentle kisses. They flare with a faint light at the assassin's touch. Subaru blushes, his heartbeat quickens. From there, a small glimpse of the younger Subaru can be seen, not completely dead, still fighting. The childish hesitance, the innocent embarrassment, and something else…
Seishirou finds himself strangely pleased with the Sumeragi's response, and lets out the breath he was holding.
The waiting brings Subaru his meal, and Seishirou insists that it be put on his tab. Subaru protests, his cheeks growing pinker by the second as the Sakurazuka pulls out all his old charm on the younger man. Finally, the Sumeragi relents, receding into the silence of contemplation. What was he feeling?
::Just like the old days, Seishirou-san.::
"So Subaru-kun, what have you been up to today?"
"Walking around town."
"Care to elaborate for an old friend?"
"I was visiting some old places. Your old veterinary hospital is a music shop now."
"I know," Seishirou puts an arm around Subaru's shoulders. "I was there. I was walking around today too."
"Oh." Subaru wonders if Seishirou has been following him purposefully. "Just wandering, Seishirou-san?" There is still an edge of suspicion in his voice.
"No," Seishirou smirks cryptically. He leans into close to whisper into Subaru's ear. "I was looking for something."
"Wh-what was that?"
"You, Subaru-kun."
"You're lying," Subaru shakes of Seishirou's arm.
"Why would I lie to you?"
"Because you've done so too many times already."
"What if I'm not lying to you this time?"
"I still don't believe you."
"Is that because you don't want to?"
"Nothing you say will make me believe you."
"Then can I do anything?" …he'd kept Subaru's lighter for long…perhaps it was time…
"No." The Sumeragi hesistates, perplexed by his own response. He looks through his reflection in Seishirou's sunglasses, past his tired eyes. Subaru averts his eyes and concentrates on his meal again.
"Then shall I stay?"
"Yes."
"Thank you, Subaru-kun."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Any plans for tonight, Subaru-kun?"
The Sumeragi hesitates as he cleans up the ice cream from his bowl. "Not really. Were you thinking of anything?"
"Why don't we go to my apartment?"
::What are you planning now, Seishirou-san?::
Subaru still has his doubts. But doubts are better than his own apartment.
"Sure."
"Excellent." Seishirou slings his arm once more around Subaru's shoulders. He pays for their dinners, leaving a generous tip, and they leave the café.
It's a long way home, so Seishirou hails a taxi. The driver looks askance at the strange couple dressed in all whites and blacks. Seishirou answers the look with a wink, and gives Subaru a kiss on the cheek. The Sumeragi blushes and turns away from Seishirou, nearly sputtering with indignance.
Seishirou climbs into the vehicle and gives the driver his address.
"Coming, Subaru-kun?"
Taking a last look at his choices, Subaru sighs. He slides in the seat beside Seishirou.
"What was that for, Seishirou-san?"
"You didn't like it, Subaru-kun?"
"No…"
"Want another one?"
"NO! What are you getting at, Sakurazukamori?"
"I'm not sure what you mean." Seishirou smiles, the lights of the Tokyo buildings reflection off his dark sunglasses as they move through city.
Subaru frowns. "What…" he beings, then pauses, searching for words. He gives up and sighs. "Why…"
"Because you are mine, Subaru-kun."
"I hate you."
"Then why are you going home with me?"
"I don't know."
They sat in silence the rest of the way to Seishirou's apartment. Subaru stared out the window, watching the lighted streets move past them. Occasionally people would look at the taxi passing by, staring for brief moments at the passengers. Then the vehicle would pass by and they would turn back to whatever they were doing, wherever they were going.
::How easily they forget.::
Subaru looks at Seishirou's reflection in the car window, the older man sitting comfortably in the worn leather seats of the taxi, his arms folded, legs crossed, looking content and as untumultuous as a cloudless day. Subaru moves his attention back to himself, a young, lost boy traveling to a place he knows nothing about. And then Subaru loses himself in thought.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come in," Seishirou opens the door wide, turning on the lights. "Make yourself at home."
"Are you implying something, Seishirou-san?"
"Not at all, Subaru-kun." The Sumeragi slides the white coat off his shoulders, and immediately Seishirou takes it. "I'll handle this." He hangs it on the coat rack, closing the door softly.
"…thank you," Subaru replies, walking into the living room. He isn't sure whether he really meant to thank the Sakurazuka for being a polite gentleman, but his sense of propriety had told him to do so.
Subaru sits down on the leather couch, reclining uneasily into its cool softness. He is unsure of how to sit, unsure of his relationship Seishirou. How should he act? What should he do? What should he say?
He notices a familiar flash of color in the corner of his eye, and Subaru looks down on the coffee table. He picks up the compact disc lying there.
A beautiful dreamthat no one's ever seen.
A beautiful deceit
that no one's ever noticed.
"Isobel!" he gasps in surprise.
::What are you doing here?::
The image of Isobel on the cover seems to wink playfully at him, challenging him to answer his own question.
Seishirou walks over with a bottle of cooled champagne. "She's a relative," he explains, setting the drink down and pouring two glasses for Subaru and himself.
Subaru's eyes widen. "Really?"
Seishirou grins, handing him a glass. "No, I just wanted to say that."
Subaru's look of surprise quickly turns into one of mock annoyance.
"I don't know why I have that CD, to be honest."
A wonderful person,
that makes everyone turn
A wonderful time,
that everyone wants.
{On second thought, maybe I do.}
Seishirou makes to further remark, but raises his glass. Subaru hesitates for a moment, and gently extends his arm. The glasses clink together softly. Neither speak the toast, but keep their own well-wishes in their hearts.
They drink slowly, sitting in thoughtful silence, letting the wine dull the sharp edges of their pain.
Finally, the bottle lies empty on the table. Subaru has a pink flush to his cheeks, but Seishirou is completely unaffected.
"Want a smoke, Subaru-kun?"
Seishirou reaches into his pocket, handing a cigarette to the young onmyouji.
The Sumeragi shakes his head, clumsy fingers reaching into his pocket. "I have my own."
"Not into sharing?"
"I've shared too many things with you," Subaru replies. He puts the smoke into his mouth, and looks around for a lighter.
"At least let me light your cigarette," Seishirou murmurs, holding his own cigarette over the flame of his black lighter.
"…Sure." Thinking that no harm could come of it, Subaru leans forward.
Seishirou smiles, and leans forward as well, touching the end of his lit cigarette to Subaru's. The motion surprises the Sumeragi, and he looks up at Seishirou's dark form uncertainly. Once again, he meets his own reflection in Seishirou's dark sunglasses. His wide green eyes, enveloped in black.
Before he can say anything, Seishirou pulls away again, the cigarette already lit.
"…Thank you." The young onmyouji relaxes slightly, closing his eyes, letting the nicotine rush to his senses as he breathes deeply.
"No problem, Subaru-kun. Always my pleasure."
Now come close to me.
I'll sing an endless song.
Show me redder than red, the truest --
{Do you feel it Subaru-kun? Do you feel our attraction? Do you feel it pulling us together? We are drawn to each other…even when we are separated…}
"Seishirou-san?"
"Yes?"
"…I have a question."
"Shoot."
"Why?"
"Because."
"What?"
"You."
"Excuse me?"
"You."
{I want you, and you in turn want me…}
"…Seishirou-san?"
"Subaru-kun. Let me try."
"Try what?"
"To…"
"To?"
"To…" Seishirou loses the words he was searching for. He sighs. What does he want to say? Something about starting over. Something about pretending; pretend to let all his regrets go.
Hear the whisper of the heart, hear its true voice.
Listen carefully.
"To be…again…for your sake…"
Subaru blinks, confused. He tackles the questions running through his head one at a time.
"How?"
"Like this."
Seishirou takes the cigarette out of Subaru's mouth, his movements slow deliberate. The Subaru stares up at him, his heart fluttering wildly in his chest. He does not move. Seishirou tosses the discarded cigarette, along with his own into the ashtray on the table. He leans close to the Sumeragi, an arm coming around the fragile boy, drawing him close. He shuts his eyes, and reflexively, Subaru closes his as well. The Sumeragi tilts his head up, the heady fragrance of the moment overwhelming his senses.
Their lips meet, two velvety softnesses meeting and coalescing.
Subaru melts beneath Seishirou's mouth.
{I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't try?}
Subaru lets the Sakurazuka's weight bear him to the couch, his arms curling about Seishirou's back and digging into the soft white cloth of his shirt.
Now kiss, hold me.
Show me love that's forever.
Subaru protests faintly as they break apart, each with his heart pounding against his chest, breathing hard.
"Seishirou-san…I…"
"Sshh." The Sakurazuka puts a gentle finger to Subaru's lips, silencing the Sumeragi. Subaru looks at Seishirou, a mix of confusion, wonder, and desire shining in his eyes. "I'll stop if you want me to, Subaru-kun."
Subaru pauses, searching Seishirou's face, settling on his mismatched eyes – one a milky white, the other a well of darkness in the dim light of the room. He no longer finds himself afraid of the Sakurazuka's strange, unbalanced gaze. There is something solid behind that, something he swears he can almost see.
"It's all right," Subaru whispers, his cheeks becoming flushed. He settles himself comfortably beneath Seishirou, his body splayed out on the couch.
"Good," Seishirou smiles in response, only needing Subaru's confirmation before continuing. He undoes his necktie and tosses the dark strip of cloth the floor. He catches Subaru's hands and leans down for another kiss.
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou murmurs softly, running his lips along the smooth skin of the Sumeragi's pale cheek. The young onmyouji appears so frail, a thin stretching of alabaster skin against the black leather furniture. Seishirou nips at Subaru's tender flesh, listening to the quiet moans shaking the slight frame pressed beneath him.
Subaru has a faint pink flush to his cheeks, giving his face a beautiful glow against the dark hues of the couch. Seishirou gazes deep into Subaru's verdant eyes, observing the emotions flitting back and forth behind the emerald glass. They show him confusion and doubt, but also a deep-seated desire marred by years of loneliness. Gone is the innocent gaze of the boy-ishSumeragi, the content emptiness that had consumed those large green eyes.
All Seishirou needs is Subaru's desire to match his own- he sees that clearly mirrored in the young onmyouji.
The heat rushes to Seishirou's body, and he shakes himself clear from his reverie. Subaru is his, as it has always been fated to be. Subaru desires him, and that is all that Seishirou needs to acknowledge his own wishes.
Both men soon find themselves gasping after another ardent kiss. Subaru's jeans bulge conspicuously, and he feels even more fire added to the scarlet blush on his cheeks as he follows Seishirou's eye roving up and down his body. Seishirou's gaze settles on one particular spot of his anatomy.
{Subaru wants me.}
With the deliberate slowness of triumph, Seishirou moves his hands to Subaru's waist. He runs exploratory caresses up Subaru's shirt, watching with pleasure as the younger man closes his eyes and sighs.
The Sakurazuka has, of course, taken Subaru's body before. But this time, he vows to himself it will be different.
{Subaru wants me.}
Subaru will be fully awake, fully cognizant of Seishirou making love to him.
{I want you too, Subaru-kun.}
"Lovely," Seishirou whispers in heated breathes, their intimacy driving the Sumeragi insane. Seishirou lifts the bottom of the black turtleneck up, exposing Subaru's navel to the cool air in the apartment.
With steady, calculated movements, Seishirou unclasps the button at Subaru's the waist of Subaru's pants. With his other hand gently squeezing the bulge, Seishirou slowly undoes the zipper.
"S…Seishirou-san!" Subaru starts as his pants are pulled to his knees, and then off entirely to join the tie on the floor.
Seishirou raises an eyebrow, unsure if the Sumeragi is truly protesting, completely naïve of what he has intended from the beginning. Perhaps it is that Subaru is simply embarrassed.
"Are you trying to tell me something, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou has his hands on the Sumeragi, slowly rubbing the fabric of Subaru's briefs against his arousal.
"Nnn," the Sumeragi whimpers, his face twists in a look of pure pleasure.
"Did you say something? I must have missed it Subaru-kun."
"Seishirou-san…"the Sumeragi pants as Seishirou puts more pressure on his erection. This was infinitely better than his empty bed, his own hand having to feed his dark fantasies. "Nnnnn…"
With a devilish smile, Seishirou hooks his fingers around the waistband of the white underwear, stripping the Sumeragi of it in a single efficient stroke.
"Beautiful," Seishirou says with an appreciative murmur, staring at the Sumeragi's erection topped with a pearly drop of pre-cum.
Subaru gazes back at Seishirou, seeing himself reflected in Seishirou's eye: a sea of ebony. The black of his shirt melts in with the leather couch, leaving his head and legs appearing to hang suspended from inky darkness. He gazes back at his reflection, his flushed cheeks, beads of sweat covering his brow, his legs open, revealing his attraction to the man so possessively admiring him.
A small pang of fear strikes him then, and Subaru is suddenly uncertain. He feels as if he is on the verge of something important. He teeters on the edge of a large, cavernous ravine, unable to see the other side. He is so close to a feeling of familiarity, of security and stability, and yet it continues to elude him.
::Seishirou-san!::
Subaru reaches for the first thing that comes within a hand's reach. He grabs Seishirou by the shoulders and crushes the Sakurazuka to him, sweating, eyes wide open with fear. He holds Seishirou close, wishing for all the world that the assassin could have seen what he almost did.
Misunderstanding Subaru's sudden gesture, Seishirou instinctively reaches his hand up, running his fingers through Subaru's hair. He finds it surprising that the Sumeragi would be so sexually provocative as to make such a sudden movement.
{Subaru wants me.}
"Feeling frisky, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru declines to answer, heaving a large sigh into Seishirou's shoulder, a small trail of tears eking out from the side of his closed eyes. Seishirou feels the dampness on his shoulder, and hugs the young onmyouji tighter in his arms.
"It's all right, Subaru-kun. Don't be afraid of your own desire. I won't let anything hurt you."
Subaru pulls away, looking once more into Seishirou's mismatched eyes.
::Not even yourself, Seishirou-san?::
"Sshhh…I'll take care of you, Subaru-kun," Seishirou grins ferally, his body long past denying. He lifts Subaru up, sweeping an arm beneath the Sumeragi's legs. He carries Subaru down the hall, the short distance to the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
::I've been here, before…::
Subaru looks around as he is gently deposited on the bed, Seishirou divesting him of his last vestiges of clothing.
"Seishirou-san…" Subaru murmurs, trying not to be conscious of the grin of Seishirou's face.
"Yes, my lovely Subaru-kun?" Seishirou unbuttons his shirt and tosses it over the side of the bed.
"Be gentle."
"Of course, Subaru-kun." Seishirou strips off his pants and underwear, and gathers the Sumeragi into his arms.
It feels right, to have Subaru's thin frame pressed against him, planes and planes of smooth, creamy skin pressed against his. He can feel the Sumeragi's erection digging into his stomach. He wraps a leg around Subaru, securing his position. He gives Subaru's cheeks a tentative kiss, ghosting his lips over the tender flesh.
{I love this feeling.}
It was a feeling that Seishirou reveled in, being so close to the object of his long-time desire. Yes, that was right. He wanted Subaru. He wanted Subaru to be his. And the Sumeragi was pinned beneath him, giving himself willingly to the Sakurazuka.
He listens intently to Subaru's moans, the deep, throaty utterances as the small man writhe beneath him in pleasure, overcome by sensations he has never consciously experienced.
Subaru is still tighter than ever, the excrutiatingly pleasure of being buried inside the young onmyouji nearly overwhelms Seishirou's sense. It takes all his hard-earned control not to pound the Sumeragi, to drive in and out repeatedly until his own desires are satisfied.
Seishirou slowly wraps a hand around Subaru's erection, running his fingers along the silky softness of the shaft. The Sumeragi hisses in response, his body trembling with the stress of an imminent orgasm.
{My Subaru-kun.}
Seishirou beings with steady strokes, building his rhythm slowly. Seishirou leans down, kissing the Sumeragi ardently, thrusting his hips in time with the frenzied beating of their hearts.
Subaru stretches out, his arms extending far above his head as he comes, his body tensing as his warm seed spills onto his stomach.
Seishirou moans, Subaru's passage constricting about his arousal, and sending him over the edge.
They collapse together on the bed, each still tingly from his orgasm.
Content and satisfied, Seishirou pulls his softening member out of Subaru and lies beside him.
"Goodnight, Subaru-kun." Seishirou cuddles Subaru closer, draping an around his waist.
"Goodnight, Seishirou-san," Subaru murmurs back. He turns on his side as Seishirou curls around him.
::Goodnight, Seishirou-san.::
And though he soon hears Seishirou's breathing turn quiet and regular, Subaru stays awake staring at the hand of the clock make its stately, circular march as time rushes past it.
*~*~*~*~*~*
It is near sunrise when Subaru abruptly starts out of his reverie. He turns around to see Seishirou peacefully sleeping beside him. The assassin has an arm tucked beneath his head, the other coming around to rest tenderly about the Sumeragi's hip.
Subaru smiles slightly, admiring Seishirou's still form in the soft light of sunrise. He brushes a finger across Seishirou's lips, suddenly struck by pang of doubt.
This man who had spent the night with, the man who had killed his sister, raped him, ruined his life. How could he look so peaceful and innocent in his sleep? This man, who had killed so many innocent people, and reveled in the blood which spilled from his hands…
::What am I to you, Sakurazuka Seishirou?::
Subaru's hand drops and gently moves Seishirou's arm away from him.
::I'm sorry, Seishirou-san.::
He quietly climbs out of bed, so as not to disturb Seishirou's slumber.
::I'm sorry.::
Subaru shakes his head, a single tear falling onto his cheek. The night had been wonderful, but what had he seen in Seishirou's eyes? Seishirou didn't understand. Whatever it was he saw in Seishirou last night, it is gone. Though he is no longer afraid of Seishirou's mismatched eyes, though it no longer makes him nervous, or makes him guilty…he can't remember what it was he saw. Maybe it wasn't important.
::I must have been just imagining things.::
Subaru picks up his clothing, following a trail from the bedroom into the living room. He gets dressed and puts on his trench coat.
::We're just…too different.::
Subaru's hand pauses on the doorknob. He puts his hand in his jeans pocket, making sure his lighter is there. He feels the familiar rectangular form of the plastic, and is reassured. He turns around, taking a last look at Seishirou's apartment. He spots Isobel's album sitting on the black coffee table. She looks at him sadly.
::We're black and white, Seishirou and I. We're just not meant to be.::
Subaru opens the door slowly and silently. He slips out, and shuts it behind him.
Seishirou sleeps on, completely unaware.
End I'm No Angel