Chapter Nine: All You Want
by Seishuku Skuld (skuldhotohori@yahoo.com)
Series: TB/X
Pairing: Seishirou x Subaru
Warnings: shounen-ai, angst, the usual
Author's notes: I apologize for several people who have suffered sub-arachnoid hemmorhages after chapter 8. I know this won't make up for it...not until chapter 10 when it's all over.
Wow, this fic has taken me way longer than I originally anticipated.
Even longer than "Saidan" took me...but that's because I only have brief
periods of inspiration after long periods of just deadness. ^_^
*grins*
Please visit my fanfiction page, Rose is Rain (http://rose-is-rain.cjb.net) if you wish to read previous chapters or my other fics. ^_^
Read my blog, Smells Like Fangirl (http://skuldchan.pitas.com) if you want to read about the latest projects I'm working on. ^_^ (And about my wonderfully dull life.)
Dedicated to: Amberlee! My lovely beta reader. She's absolutely wonderful, and you guys should all read her stuff too.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Seishirou murmurs in his sleep and sighs contentedly. He remembers
very little from the night before, only aware that he has now reached some
semblance of happiness and some sort of understanding with the Sumeragi.
That at least, is much better than things were, and Seishirou is perfectly
satisfied for lazing around the bed with Subaru behind him. This morning,
there is no particular rush, and he hopes that Subaru is not in a hurry
to get out of bed either.
Seishirou rolls over, moving an arm to drape about the Sumeragi lying next to him. Seishirou starts, his eyes snapping open as he realizes Subaru isn't there.
"Subaru-kun?"
Immediately Seishirou gets up, throwing the sheets off him, regardless of his current state of undress.
"Subaru-kun?" Seishirou opens the door to the bathroom, but is only greeted by silence.
He crosses the chamber and throws open the door to his bedroom, heart thudding against his chest, striding down the hallway and into the living room.
Silence again.
"Subaru-kun?" he looks on the floor, sees his clothes, but no sign of the Sumeragi's.
{Subaru...}
With a great sinking of his stomach, Seishirou knows that Subaru is gone. Without parting word, or any note of the sort. All around the apartment are scattered things that belong to Seishirou: his champagne glasses, his stereo, his CDs, his books, his television. Not one vestigial remains of Subaru has been left behind. Not even a little lighter to hold onto.
"Dammit," Seishirou sinks to the couch, giving into the urge to bury his head in his hands.
Isobel smiles softly back at him, her green eyes full of sadness and regret.
All around him, the stillness of his apartment closes in on him, wrapping him tightly in its web of despair. It is then that he realizes that Subaru would never be coming back.
*~*~*~*~*~*
The apartment is empty. Utterly, completely devoid. Subaru sits on his chair, his hands on the table, staring into the room. Though he spots his bed, his stereo, his CDs, his books, his television, it is still empty. The silence that permeates his room wraps him up in its coldness like a cocoon of ice.
::It really is hopeless, isn't it?::
A small smirked spreads across Subaru face, but it holds no mirth and no laughter. It's a hopeless kind of grin, like one a cornered mouse might wear, making its last stand against the ferocious cat which hunted it.
No, on second thought, it wasn't even as heroic as that.
For once, all of Subaru's thoughts are still. His questions have stopped coming, knowing there were no answers. They hide in the shadows, still and silent, casting a black veil of mystery about themselves and disappearing into the dark recesses of Subaru's mind.
There is, after all, nothing. Subaru's fingers twitch briefly and then stop as the Sumeragi continues to stare into his bare apartment. Whatsoever he had clung onto before, is now gone.
::We're just...too different.:: The Sumeragi heaves a sigh, his breath wafting into his stale room, warming it for a brief moment before the puff of air vanishes swallowed by the thick, toxic atmosphere of despair, leaving Subaru once again, alone.
His fax machine beeps, its sharp sound suddenly splitting the silence
asunder. Subaru jumps in surprise as the red light flashes; a single white
paper is spit out like a
strange mechanical tongue. Subaru gets up, walks over, and picks it
up, giving it a cursory glance.
Another petty exorcism, some kind of ancient magic possessing a book in an old library collection. It would take him fifteen minutes at most, and an hour to get there and back; all in the busy life of an onmyouji.
Subaru, for a brief moment, is very tempted to just forget about the job. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Subaru, for once in his life, just can't bring himself to care.
The Sumeragi sighs, and the fax flutters to the floor, a single rectangle of white on the dark carpeting. That only serves to depress him more.
::I need to get out of here.::
Subaru takes his coat from his bed.
::I can't stay here anymore.::
The darkness unnerves him, the impossible silence, the stifling sense of some thread of fate gone horribly awry. There was once again, no sound; only a dark, empty room, unlit even by the bright sunshine filtering in through the window.
::I don't care anymore.::
Subaru snatches his keys, his cigarettes, his lighter, and flees the room.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Seishirou sits on his couch, his hands holding his head. His eyes are closed, as he breathes slowly, listening to his gasping breath in the silence of his apartment. The dark curtains are drawn, and his room is completely shrouded in darkness. It is an inky blackness that reminds Seishirou of sleep, a comforting absence of thought that promises a release from pain, if only for a transient moment.
But now, not even that is to be had in haven of his own home, for everything in the room speaks distinctly of Subaru: his scent lingering on the leather couch, images of his warm lips pressed ever so gently against the fragile wine glass. Even now, when he needs it more than ever, the Tree is absent from his mind, hidden underneath the churning waves of emotional turmoil that Seishirou cannot sort through.
{So I've been a fool after all.}
Seishirou opens his eyes, and lifts his head a fraction to regard the image of Subaru before him.
{You're not real.}
The vision of Subaru continues to stand in front of him, the dark green eyes staring blankly, without comprehension, at Seishirou.
"Go away!" Seishirou cries out, rushing forward from the couch as if to dash the hallucination away with a sweep of his arm.
{Leave me alone…}
Subaru shimmers, and disappears with a sad shaking of his head. Seishirou suddenly, impulsively reaches forward, his fingers grasping for the illusory threads of the Sumeragi's white coat before the image fades.
{Don't leave.}
Seishirou freezes, staring a blank space of wall, his hand still outstretched.
"I…"
{Shit.}
Seishirou collapses, resting his forehead against the carpet, his eyes closing with despair. Not even the depths of his darkness can claim him anymore, and he knows he will find no solace in the silence of sleep.
{Then it is useless after all.}
Seishirou's shoulders shake as he chuckles bitterly, the sound of his voice echoing about the room, a strange hollow sound, even to his own ears. There is now only one place where Seishirou can find his peace.
Dragging his body from its position on the floor of his apartment, Seishirou rises mechanically, the light in his one eye dimmed by hopelessness and fatigue.
There is only one place where Seishirou always feels peace.
Seishirou takes his trench coat, and leaves the apartment.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Seishirou passes through the newly constructed Kagami Park, the vast labyrinth of glass mazes and water fountains a testament to the new-found wealth of the Matsushita Corporation. It is an elaborate structure with winding paths of frosted glass plates, towering green bushes, trickling streams, and whatever seemed appropriate by the architect that had designed it. Today there are people strolling all throughout the gardens. Anyone from foreign tourists to the senior citizens of Tokyo make it a special point to come to the strange, exotic garden and walk its winding path.
There are many small nooks and crannies for the visitors to enjoy the scenery, small benches to sit upon behind enclosures of glass panels, rocks by edges of streams, even the little children dangle their feet over the bridges as they enjoy the soft gurgle of the artificial brook.
There is a bustle of people surrounding Seishirou, and it is with a perverse sense of pleasure that Seishirou knows that he has come here for the kill; to stain this place with the first drops of blood. It is only in the thrill of murder can he, for a few moments, have some semblance of peace. Seishirou enters the maze, walking through a large archway made of glass, playing in his mind over and over the experience of what it is to kill.
It is the particular type of certainty that entertains the Sakurazukamori in another's death, something akin to the absolute surety that the sun would rise in the east, set in the west, and never in one's life would it deviate from that pattern. So it was with killing. Seishirou would know, as he drew his hand back and whispered his spell, that the victim in his arms would die. He would know as surely as if it had all been written in for him in a textbook, or if Fate herself had whispered it in his ear. In those moments that his hand plunged through the person's chest, the death would already have happened. There was no turmoil, no doubt, and no uncertainty: just an endless moment of still silence as the Absolute Destiny rang its bell again, tolling across the vast expanse of Seishirou's mind, calming him, quieting him, wrapping him up in the warm threads of assurance before the silence broke, the blood spattered, and chaos would be reborn.
Confronted with another wall of glass, Seishirou turns left this time, working his way through the labyrinth. At random intervals, he would encounter families or couples taking a small break from their journey to have a bite to eat, or doze in each others arms. There were benches and stone stools scattered about various areas, as rest for the weary and places to sit and contemplate the exotic flowers and their glass reflections.
Seishirou wanders about for a while, taking all the first turns he comes to, and walking down the darkest, overshadowed pathways, always seeking to escape the voices nearby, locked in happy conversation. Peering behind a large clump of rather tall cattails, Seishirou spots a small walkway, a circular arching tunnel surrounded on all sides by tall hedges and overhanging wistaria trees. Seishirou parts the plants, making sure to check around him that no one is going to follow him. He steps through as the plants snap back into place, once again obscuring his new-found path from the view of the park's other visitors.
It seems that he has descended into a strange twilight world as Seishirou walks down the enclosed path, it is as dark as dusk, but yet faint beams of light still find their way through the thick canopy of trees as the wind rustles. Seishirou turns his head to look up as another breeze rushes by, shaking the branches of the wisterias as little leaves fall about his face. It looks to him like a thick blanket of darkness hovers over his head, pockmarked by the too-big circular discs of stars; like an abstract artist's rendition of a mock nighttime sky.
Before long the dark passage gives way to a clearing, surrounded on its side by more exotic flowering bushes, and at one end by large, glass fountain. It is simply a large pane of frosted glass, towering a little above Seishirou's height, stretching clear from one end of the enclosure to other. Entwined in the glass are tiny pipes carrying water to the top of the panel, where the liquid cascades down both sides of the wall, like a great guided waterfall, perfect in its rigidly vertical formation, before the sheets of water fall with a splash into a tiny trench and carried to whatever other parts of the maze lie beyond the impenetrable wall of bushes.
In front of the great fountain sits a long stone bench, with but one solitary figure perched upon it, who looks up as Seishirou approaches.
"Konnichiwa," the girl says with a slight accent, but a pleasant smile. Long golden-brown hair falls about her face, as she peers at Seishirou through the iridescent frames of her glasses.
"Konnichiwa," Seishirou bows slightly, inclining his head. He smiles back at the girl, deciding with a delicious twist that she will be his victim today, that her blood will be running scarlet, carried into the stream of Kagami Park like a dark red plague. Nevetheless, the Sakurazukamori smiles pleasantly.
"So you've found this place too?" the girl asks.
"It was an accident," Seishirou replies with a shrug, taking a seat next to her. He glances at the laptop in her lap. "Doing work here?"
"Not exactly," the girl closes the top of her computer. "Just a story I'm writing."
"About?"
The girl grins in reply. "That's a secret."
*~*~*~*~*
Subaru sighs as he steps out of the library. Another mystery solved, another ancient spirit satisfied. The Sumeragi wonders when he will stop doing these jobs for other people, and it is with a grim smile that Subaru realizes he will probably never stop. It was his duty as the 13th head of the Sumeragi Clan to oversee the spiritual welfare of Japan; and that was not a burden that could easily be overlooked or shrugged off.
With another depressed sigh, Subaru makes his way down the steps and into the street. It appears as if everyone in the area is gravitating to the newest attraction that Tokyo offers, the newly built Kagami Park.
::It's a pity I don't have any place to go.::
Subaru chuckles grimly at that thought, but follows the throng anyway. Although there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to be gained either; but Subaru doesn't mind that. All he wants is to lose himself and forget, forget that there might have been once been a slim chance of Sumeragi Subaru, the boy, being together with Sakurazuka Seishirou, the veterinarian.
Subaru steps inside the maze, taking the first few turns he comes upon, turning away from the babble of voices going down the main path. The garden is known for its elaborate labyrinth, its secret corners and hidden pathways.
Keeping his back to the murmurs of the crowd, Subaru continues down a stray path, oblivious to the beauty about him. He walks in his own world, attempting his best to ward off the troubles which once again have begun assaulting his mind.
Subaru's feet stop as he is jolted out of his reverie, taking a good look at his surroundings. He finds himself in an empty clearing, with tall bushes on either side, the heady fragrance of exotic flowers wreathing him in an atmosphere of enchantment. Behind him is an empty corridor, lined with smooth graphite, not a soul in sight. At the other end of the enclosure is a large glass panel with water fountaining from the top, cascading down along the structure like transparent veils, crystal clear but yet impenetrable for the frosted glass behind.
He can hear the low murmur of voices, but as Subaru glances behind him, there is no one. He strains his ears, but above the gurgling of the fountain he can make out nothing more than the voices themselves. Walking to the bench in front of the glass structure, Subaru thinks he can see two shadowed figures on the other side.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Can a story in progress be such a secret?" Seishirou puts on his best killer's smile.
"Well, if you don't want other people to steal your ideas," the girl grins, pauses and then she shrugs. She gives the assassin a sidelong glance, not possibly knowing what the kind Japanese gentleman before her intends. "You're not a writer are you?"
"Far from it," Seishirou assures her with grim sincerity, even going so far as to place a hand over his heart. "I am a veterinarian."
The girl raises an eyebrow, studying Seishirou for a moment. "I guess you're safe ground then. Well, I'm actually writing a love story of sorts."
"A love story? Do people still read those?"
The girl gapes. "Of course! Everyone reads love stories." She pauses and studies Seishirou again. "But you don't look like the sort to read love stories."
"I don't?"
The girl shakes her head. "No offense, but you seem a bit too serious and severe for that."
Seishirou frowns a bit, but quickly covers it up.
"Anyway," the woman continues, "my story is about a couple who have to stay apart for ten years before they can finally be together."
"Why are they apart?" Seishirou pretends to take interest, making sure it shows plainly on his face.
"Because they didn't realize they couldn't be together," the girl explains. "Even if they were complete opposites, they let duty and their history hinder them. They didn't get along at first, but then they finally realized that they loved each other." The girl smiles a bit wistfully as she talks about her characters. "Then something catastrophic happened to them, and they had to be apart. One sacrificed himself for the other, and they had to wait to be together."
"Interesting," Seishirou murmurs, wondering why it doesn't take as much effort as it usually takes to keep up appearances. He frowns a bit, taking a cigarette out absent-mindedly. Strange...how a story could seem to be so familiar; the Sakurazuka is absolutely sure he'd never read mindless romantic fiction before. "Sounds like you've got it all planned out."
"Yeah," the woman blushes, "I suppose you can say that."
{Better get to the point.}
"Well," Seishirou says around his cigarette, pulling out a lighter, "want a smoke?"
The woman shakes her head. "No thank you."
"You sure?"
"Yes," the woman smiles kindly, "I'm sure I don't want a cigarette." She pauses for a moment, perhaps beginning to feel the tangible menacing air that Seishirou beings to exude. She begins to become a little suspicious of the friendly Japanese man that had approached her. "I…I think I shall be going now."
"You should stay."
Seishirou stands up, pushing the girl back down to the bench with a hand.
"There's no hurry. Don't be so eager to leave."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hearing the voices suddenly become louder and more hurried, Subaru curiously approaches the panel of glass. It is obvious that there is a similar enclosure on the other side. He can see two shadows shift, he feels the latent crackle of magic in the air, and the world stands still for him.
Something awakens in him, something that recognizes without knowing or prior experience, something that makes the twin pentacles on backs of his hands flare to life.
::Seishirou-san!::
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Seishirou glances up as he notices the movement of a familiar figure behind the large glass fountain. All time slows to a stop as his heart continues its steady pace, the beating of a drum within his ears.
He lets the girl go, and hardly pays any heed as she picks up her laptop, and hurries out of the clearing, muttering to herself.
{Subaru-kun?}
Seishirou reaches a dark for dark ofuda hidden up his sleeve, and with a flick of his wrist and a muttered spell casts it in the water.
The water shifts, pulling aside like two great curtains to a stage, revealing the figure standing behind the glass.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
::Seishirou-san!:: the Sumeragi gasps as the words of his spell die upon his lips, his ofuda cleaving the sheet of water in two as easily as a fallen strand of hair upon a sharp blade.
Subaru stares at the image of Seishirou behind the glass, looking back at him with equal surprise. Subaru shifts his vision a little, and he can see himself, his green eyes wide with disbelief, his mouth still open in the throes of his sudden gasp.
His green eyes.
And Seishirou's brown eye, and his blinded one.
*~*~*~*~*
It is a simple phenomenon of light really, to do with the thickness of the glass and the reflection angles of the incident photons. But Seishirou thinks not of that as he gazes at the Sumeragi revealed before him, behind the frosted panel.
How strange, Seishirou marvels, to see his own dark self superimposed upon the Sumeragi's light image.
Subaru's emerald eyes stare back him, large green orbs lost in an epiphany of their own. Their coats blend together in the reflection, Seishirou's dark trench perfectly overlaying that of Subaru's flawless white. Everything about them…
{So different and yet so the same.}
It is then, as the world comes to a standstill around that one great moment, that Seishirou realizes everything.
For the first time in what seems like months, Seishirou smiles.
End All You Want
Some last notes: All right everyone, just one chapter left. ^_^ **grins** I'm thinking of writing an author commentary for this fic, or maybe something of a Q&A thing with my readers. So if you have any questions regarding this fic (plot, characterization ,how I got the ideas, imagery, diction, themes/motifs, literary devices, setting, my favorite food, etc.), please e-mail me (skuldhotohori@yahoo.com) and I will compile your questions and do my best to answer them. ^_^ **grins** It will likely be posted at the same time as the last chapter. Thanks for reading, everyone! ^_^