Before I begin with Chapter 4, allow me to answer some specific questions and comments from you guys...

1) Geko's question about Dib and the Professor: You're partially right. The Professor's fame and money give him a "what I say goes" sort of thing in the city. Plus, Dib has been considered borderline insane for a long time. Membrane still has legal custody of him in case something like this happens. Actually, I'm just a lazy writer and didn't even think about it. Your "fame" suggestion pretty much saved my bacon on that. Thanks!

2) Nny777slavelabor's comment about the censored language: I know I don't have to censor myself, but I just don't like to use a lot of foul language in my own speech or what I write. I think the worst language in any of my stories is in "Gabbin' with Gau" and "Pokémon: Alpha" and both are pretty mild. –Matt

Going Sane In A Crazy World
by Matt Garner

Chapter 4
Lying Government Leaders? MADNESS!

A reverent hush fell on the small room. In Zim's callous mind, and even in GIR's fractured little memory circuits, there was nothing but the deepest profound respect for the two beings glaring meaningfully at them. Of course, the very opposite was true for Dib, who despised these two creatures for everything they were; but he had also never actually seen them in real life and their presence was certainly awe-inspiring... Well, it was up until they stepped closer into the light and Dib realized that they were wearing the worst human disguises ever dreamed up by an alien invader.

"YAY! It's my daddies!" GIR screamed with rapturous joy as the Almighty Tallest stepped into clearer view. Zim sat up rigid and straight and wriggled his antennae in salute.

"Greetings, my Tallest!" he said with a respectful bow, "I am honored by your presence!"

"Wow, Zim... You look great..." Red droned sarcastically with a childish grin on his face. He was wearing a red tie, a reporter's hat with "HYOOMIN!" written on it, and a pair of glasses. No other attempt was made to change his appearance.

"Yeah, Zim!" tittered Purple, who was clothed in a soft purple dress and floppy sunhat (Also with no other change to his appearance). "Really great... (giggle) That straitjacket suits you!"

"(giggle) Shut up! You're makin' me laugh now..." Red muttered to Purple who was now shaking with laughter. Purple quickly covered his mouth with both hands and tried in vain to stifle his giggles.

Zim nodded humbly once more to his leaders. "You're too kind, my Tallest! And, might I say that your disguises are ingenius!"

Both of the highly-evolved Irkens smiled arrogantly and answered with phrases of "Thank you!", "Yes, they really are good, aren't they?", "I designed them myself!" and the ilk.

Dib snorted.

"Pfft. Yeah. Great disguises. A maternity dress and a second-rate Clark Kent getup. Just how stupid ARE you guys, anyway?"

Purple and Red narrowed their eyes at Dib. Red then lifted one hand and snapped his claws quickly. A mechanical laser device popped out of his ID pak, aimed itself at Dib, and blasted him with a bright red laser. It then retreated back into his pak. Purple gave Red a reprimanding look. Red looked back at him and shrugged as if to say "Aw, come on... It's funny!" And the two of them burst into loud laughter.

"So these guys built you?" The now-barbecued Dib asked GIR.

"Mmmmyep! Sho' did!"

"... That explains a lot..."

"Yes, yes, they laugh a lot..." Zim confirmed, "They're very jovial leaders."

Dib smoldered.

Zim cleared his throat to gain the attention of the Tallest. "Anyway, I suppose you're here to get me out of this stinking place so I can... Y'know... Go and take over the world and stuff...?"

"Actually, Zim..." Purple answered, still fighting a strong case of the giggles, "...NO!" He then broke into a fresh round of laughter.

Zim answered with an intellectual "HEH?", hanging his tongue out for added effect.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Red sighed while shaking his head. He sobered up from his snickering and looked seriously at the tiny Irken. His voice dropping to a very important-sounding tone, he stated, simply that "We just don't like you, Zim."

"HEH?" Zim bulged his eyes and drooped his antennae this time to increase the effect.

"You're a raving lunatic!" Purple assisted, having calmed himself down now.

"But... but... I'm an excellent Invader! I'm the finest soldier in the entire Irken Armada!"

"WERE the finest. You WERE the finest soldier, Zim," Red continued. "We thought you had what it takes to be an Invader..."

Purple threw in his two cents. "...But you just went mad with power as soon as we made you an Invader in Operation: Impending Doom! Don't you remember? The whole reason you were banished to FoodCourtia was because you nearly KILLED everyone on Irk!"

Zim stared blankly, wagging his jaw wordlessly. Dib snickered.

"Then you actually 'quit being banished'..." Red started.

"Which," Purple interjected, "We later found out meant that you destroyed the workstation at which you were assigned, killing everyone else in the area..."

"...And had the nerve to request that we assign you another mission!" finished Red with a flourish. He shook his head again and repeated "You really just don't get it..."

"HEHHHH?"

"(sigh) Exactly... Tell him, Purple."

"With pleasure. Zim, your mission to Earth was a HOAX! We were completely unaware of Earth's existence! Our plan was to hurl you out into the deepest reaches of space with faulty equipment, and just let you DIE forgotten and alone!"

Zim's right antenna twitched involuntarily.

"We've been trying to kill you off ever since you contacted us from Earth," said Red, "We even hired the Planet Jackers to send you screaming into the sun..."

"BUT NOOOOOO..." bemoaned Purple, "You just have to keep LIVING, don't you? You're harder to kill than a space-roach!"

Dib cackled as Purple used Dib's favorite phrase to refer to Zim.

"But NOW," Red laughed, "We're finally RID of you! You're stuck here with NO way out! We don't have to put up with your constant rants about how kosher hot-dogs are essential to eradicating the human race!"

"And the BEST part of it..." guffawed Purple, "...is you're stuck here with GIR and that Dib kid! It's a more fitting punishment than we ever could have DREAMED OF!"

"OH YEAH!" Red cried, "VENGEANCE IS SWEET!"

"LAY IT ON ME, BRUTHA!" cackled Purple as the two Tallest high-threed each other. (Instead of high-five. Cuz... y'know, Irkens only have three fingers on each hand...)

Zim just sat there and stared vacantly as the Tallest broke into another peal of hearty, derisive laughter. He couldn't believe this! His entire life had been devoted to defending Irk... Serving the Tallest to the best of his abilities. The Irken military was all he knew. It was his reason for existence. And all this time, his mission had been a lie? There had been times when he had his suspicions, but for an Irken soldier to question his superiors was the Unforgivable Sin! No, his Tallest had really entrusted him with superior equipment! His computers and robot only SEEMED to be stupid to confuse the enemy! His Tallest really knew of his skill! But now... Here they were, telling him they wanted him dead... Laughing in his face as he asked them for help... He couldn't believe the lie any longer... And yet he couldn't believe that they HAD lied to him. It felt as though his brain had suddenly shut down.

"Heh... Oh, baby, that's funny..." Red chortled as the laughter finally died down.

"Oh... Geeze, my side hurts..." Purple giggled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

"Yeah... HEY!" Red grinned and slapped his twin brother on the back, "Whaddaya say we go get some weenies?"

"Yeah, sure... But only if they're kosher!"

Red cracked up and fell over with a thud and a loud "BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Purple snickered and tapped Dr. Canby's shoulder.

"M-huh?" muttered the doctor who was conveniently dozing off against the wall and hadn't heard a word of the alien mission.

"We're ready to sign out now..."

Canby nodded and watched Red writhe about on the floor. "Oh, right... Hey, is your husband going to be alright?"

"HUSBAND?" Purple shouted, then remembered their disguises. "OH! Heh... Yes... Yes, he's fine..."

"Just a minor pain in my squeedly-spooch," Red explained, then squealed "OW!" as Purple kicked him. "I mean my spine! heh..."

"I see. Well," Canby suggested, "Maybe you should see a chiropractor..."

And the psychiatrist led the Irkens down the hall as Zim sat frozen in a disbelieving stupor, Dib cackled satanically at him, and GIR squealed "BYE-BYE DADDIES!"

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Wow! Those two big guys were really the Tallest! Who knew?