THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?
Okay, I admit it…this is just a piece of random silliness that I did when way too tired and strung out on caffeine. It's the start of something…possibly…but mostly it's just daft fanfic fun. As always. *takes a bow and ducks the expected barrage of rotten tomatoes*
Disclaimer: Raziel, Nosgoth & Kain belong to Eidos, Crystal Dynamics and Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner belongs to Marvel Comics. Legolas the Elf is the creation of JRR Tolkein. Lupa and Vladimir seem to have taken on lives of their own, but mostly they belong to me. Donovan belongs to his daddy and the Guardian-of-Tears. And Rat…you know who you are…*g*
Lupa and Raziel are walking along the main street in the Nexus, on their way to Vladimir's house.
Lupa: So what are we gonna do today, Raz?
Raziel: *longsuffering* Whatever you want. It's simpler.
Lupa: *pokes him in the arm*
Lupa: I wanna go have fun. Let's have fun.
Raziel: This isn't going to involve roller-coasters, is it? *darkly* Last time there were rollercoasters…
Lupa: *taking his hand* Besides, we managed to offload that evil child of yours onto Kurt. We deserve some fun.
Raziel: *being supportive of his son* He is not evil. He's just young.
Lupa: He's young you. That's evil in the first degree. That's Evil Medical School quality, that is.
Scene cuts to Kurt's house in the Nexus. Sounds of clattering from the kitchen.
Kurt: *unseen, from behind the closed kitchen door* Nein! Stop that! Put it down!
Donovan: *from within* Wahoo! You've got real Belgian chocolate in here!
Kurt: Bavarian. It's Bavarian chocolate. And it's mine.
Sounds of ripping tinfoil and more banging around. Kurt swears vehemently in his own language. (not to be repeated here as we are all sweet and innocent, right? *grins*)
Donovan: *subdued* I don't feel good….
Kurt: Please, God, don't let him throw up on me.
Cut back to Lupa and Raziel, walking down the lane that adjoins Vladimir's driveway.
Raziel: I hope Kurt's all right with babysitting.
Lupa: *confidently* Kurt's a lovely boy. Very nice-tempered. He'll be fine.
Raziel: *cocks his head to one side* Did you just hear someone screaming?
Lupa: Not at all. Come on. Those nice reviewing people want to see what we're going to do next.
Raziel: *stares out at reviewers in alarm* There are people watching this?
Lupa: *shrugs* Sure.
Raziel: And you let me wear this scarf? The old one with the coffee-stain on it? I have a new one at home, you know…
Lupa: *sighs* Come along, Yves-Saint-Laurent. You're boring your public.
Raziel allows himself to be dragged along under protest. They are just turning the corner to Vladimir's house when the man himself comes haring round the corner with another wolf-girl in tow.
Vladimir: *somewhat hysterically* The house is on fire! The house is on fire!
He runs off and hides in the hedge. Lupa rolls her eyes and grabs the other wolf-girl, who is shorter, stockier, and mostly subsumed by a mop of reddish curls.
Lupa: Rat, what did you do?
Rat: *points towards the hedge where Vladimir has disappeared* He was making me tea…
Lupa: Vladimir's tea? I'm surprised there's anything left of the house…
She taps Raziel on the arm.
Lupa: Raz? This is Rat. Now get your water-glyph mojo on. We have a fire to put out.
Rat: *pokepokes Raziel in the chest to see if he's real*
Raziel: *waves at the new wolf-girl in confusion* Hi.
He is dragged off towards the house.
Rat: *waving after him* You're blue. That must be nice for you.
Guardian-Of-Tears: *wandering in from Reviewland, pulls Vladimir's tail*
Vladimir: Ouch!
Guardian-of-Tears: Hurry up and make the plot go faster. *strolls back through the Reviewer's Gate*
Vladimir stands up and hollers towards the burning house.
Vladimir: Raziel! Make sure you put out the bit by the cupboard under the stairs first…
Sound of gunfire.
Vladimir: …too late.
Lupa dives to the ground at his feet.
Lupa: *dazedly* They shoot vampires, don't they, Momma?
Vladimir: What?
Lupa shakes off her confusion.
Lupa: I think the weapons box under the stairs just went up.
Vladimir: No! Not the Gatling gun!
Rapid-fire from within the house. Reviewers all duck back behind their gate.
Vladimir: Surely he can save the grenade-launcher? It's so good for fending off zombies…
Several grenades go "boom" in quick succession. Vladimir sinks to his knees in despair. Lupa looks horrified.
Lupa: You had grenades in there?
Vladimir: Right next to the cherry-bombs and that packet of black powder that fizzes when exposed to air.
Lupa: Oh my God, I killed him. I killed Raziel.
The distinctive kschinnnkg-schrinnkg sound of Raziel's claws digging into something rings out. There is a brief, mercifully quiet pause, then Raziel sprints past with a crate in his hands that is smoking gently.
Raziel: Out the way, out the way, out the way…
He shoulders past everyone and flings the box through the warp-gate at the bottom of Vladimir's garden. A pause, then there is a muffled "foooooom" noise, and the gate's warp-bubble bends wildly.
Cut to Kain, sitting on his throne in Nosgoth. The throne room doors open wide and a Dumahim walks in with the crate in his claws.
Unlucky Dumahim: Master, I found this gift by the gate…
Kain: *notices the box is glowing and pulsing slightly* Oh, sh-
~*FOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM*~
Vladimir's house has actually suffered surprisingly little from the fire: the kitchen is a little singed, but all walls are intact. The old draylon sofa in the lounge is burning merrily and a red dragon has curled up to sleep amongst the burning scatter cushions.
Vladimir: *flailing at the dragon with a rolled-up newspaper* Out! Out! Pesky things! Any excuse…
The dragon sulkily allows itself to be ushered out through the back door.
Rat: *running towards the pantry* The biscuits! Where are the biscuits? Have the biscuits been saved?
Lupa: *walking in from the hall* Come on, it only blew up slightly.
Vladimir: How can anything only blow up slightly?!
Lupa: It's like having a bit of a hole in something. Oxymoronic, but interesting.
Raziel returns, brushing ash from his cowl, and carrying a biscuit tin under one arm.
Rat: Biscuits!
She stares up at him wordlessly until he hands her the tin.
Raziel: I only picked it up because it's labelled "Live Ammo"…you mean there's really only biscuits in there?
Vladimir: *watching Rat sort through shotgun shells to find the chocolate biscuits buried under them* Well…kind of only biscuits.
Raziel aims a water glyph at the burning sofa, which extinguishes.
Donovan: *from outside* Dad!
He runs in and clings to Raziel's leg. He is covered in chocolate.
Lupa: *menacingly* Where's Kurt? What did you do to Kurt, demon-child?
Kurt: *teleporting in from outside* Never mind about me, worry about the large angry vampire covered in soot who's just come through the gate out back.
Kain: *from outside* RAZIEL!!
Raziel: *innocently, to the others* Oh, you think I managed to throw that box into Nosgoth? Whatever gives you that idea?
Kain stamps through the doorway, seething.
Kain: *glowering at Raziel* You're not too old to be disciplined, young man.
Raziel: *trying to be reasonable* Happy Valentine's Day, Father.
Kain: What?
Raziel: Valentine's Day. It's that thing where people tell other people how much they love them.
He takes a step forward, and makes an effort.
Raziel: I –
Lupa jabs him hard in the back.
Raziel: I love you, Father.
Vladimir and Kurt mime throwing-up behind him. Kain just stares at him in disbelief.
Kain: *almost kindly* Did you hurt yourself in the blast, son? *glances about* Turel? Did you put him up to this? Because it's not funny…
Lupa: *hisses at Raziel* It's not Valentine's Day! What are you on about?
Raziel: *under his breath* I'm trying to distract him. Is that okay with you?
Lupa: Fair enough, fair enough. It's just rather surreal.
Kain: *glaring* I don't know what you're gibbering about, Raziel, but I'm not falling for it.
He catches sight of Lupa waving cheerfully at him from behind Raziel's shoulder, and recoils.
Kain: Oh no, not you again!
Lupa: *shuffles in embarrassment* Me again. Sorry.
Kain: *turning on Raziel* I know I said I wouldn't get involved when you boys brought women home – as long as you got rid of the bodies afterwards, mind – but this one? *he shudders*
Lupa: *offended* I'm quite nice when you get to know me.
Kain: I don't think I'll make the effort, thank-you all the same.
He takes a step forward and makes to grab Lupa by the throat.
Vladimir and Raziel: *practically in stereo* Take your hands off her!
They rush Kain and manage to knock him over. Lupa's hand whips out, snatches the image inducer out of the air as Kurt throws it to her: and straps it around Kain's wrist.
Lupa: Let him go, boys.
Vladimir and Raziel back off, smirking. Kain sits up.
Kain: I'm going to rip both your heads off and spit down your necks – *notices everyone is staring at him and giggling* - What are you all looking at?
Vladimir: *grinning* A big girls' blouse, that's what.
Raziel: Don't get him wrong. It looks lovely on you.
Lupa: Hey! It's not a big girls' blouse. It's a very good halter from H & M.
Kain looks down and realises that he now appears as a perfectly-formed copy of Lupa, right down to the silvery fur and red halter-top.
Lupa: *to Donovan, smirking* Wait for it…wait for it….!
Kain roars. Birds flee the trees in Vladimir's garden in horror: the hills echo: mobile phone signals are disrupted all over the Nexus…and in a forest in far-away Middle-Earth, Legolas the Elf looks up in slight confusion as the cry comes faintly to his sharp ears.
Legolas: *frowning* What -?
Back at Vladimir's, the two Lupas are arguing.
Kain/Lupa: I don't care. Make it go away.
Raziel: Here's the deal. Get back to Nosgoth and I'll make her get rid of it for you.
Both Lupas pout in an identical manner.
Vladimir: Oh, God. I can't cope with two of them. Get him out of here, Raziel.
Rat: *having just noticed the duplicate* Wow. Lupa's sister?
Kain/Lupa glowers at her and she shuts up. Raziel hustles him out of the back door and into the garden. There is the sound of a warp-gate activating: then Raziel comes back indoors, swinging Kurt's image inducer from one hand.
Lupa: *runs to him and hugs him* Happy not-Valentine's Day, Raz.
Vladimir: He's gone, right? Tell me he's gone.
Raziel: *trying hard not to be crushed by Lupa's cuddle* He's gone.
As the rest of the little group disperse to tidy up the fire damage, Raziel looks up at VladimirsAngel. He shakes his head, sadly.
Raziel: *softly* For all our sakes, love…get more sleep. A lot more. And lay off the caffeine, hmm?