CHAPTER VII: CRASH AND BURN
this is like one of my favorite chapters; but it's REALLY long. I think the next chapter's longer, though...[checks spiffy little notebook] yup, definitely is. It's better, too. Oh, yeah, and in case you think I'm some kind of person who's like out to kill Mystic Kiwi, [cue evil laughter] I'm not; we're actually really good friends. [neither of us can figure out how we've stayed friends so long...] It's just that I hate the phrase "anywho" and now she's got me saying it. I just remembered how she told me Claudia dies in Interview with the Vampire and I cry when she does whenever I reread it and Mystic Kiwi should die!!!! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [sobs uncontrollably for a few moments]. Oh, yeah, and to redeem myself for all the times I've condemned her to die, read her stories. [she's hopeless and needs the publicity]. They're really cool, especially the mole poem and the tiger "Huntress" poem. The protagonist in "Timeless" really pisses me off, though. VALERIE HERALD SHOULD DIE!!!! But, Chad lee dah. Oh, yeah, and the "Across Time" story was brought to you in part by the following sponsors: MWA!!! (is that how you spell it in French?) I made up the super spiffy name Selene for the girl, and I convinced her to write it, so I'm not as satanic as you might be led to believe. While I'm at it, read my other friend's stories too, even though they'll all probably forsake me and say, "I don't know her! She's just...ummm...some random nutcase who THINKS she knows us!"Hee..hee...Well, anywho [aauuuggggh!!! The pestilence is spreading!!!] read ShadowSpirit, Englasu [like she needs the advertising! 200 something fucking reviews for like her first story! Yeah, right...at least I have better sayings like chad lee da and okey pokey.] Randomitsanity, Heavenstone, and, uh...I think that's it...yeah, bye...
The gang was driving in Joey's dad's car home from school and they were just sorta cruising around afterwards because they didn't have to go home and they didn't want to either. wouldn't you rather drive around with your friends instead? Joey was driving because it was sort of his car, Tristan is just too, well, Tristany, (and he couldn't press the pedals without some help), Tea didn't feel like it and she doesn't scream at other drivers enough, and nobody at the driving agencies and the signing up places for drivers ed would believe Yugi that he was old enough to drive. He'd already attempted to sway them from their decision not to allow him to drive and then they told him at the counter that he should come back when he grew up in seven years. The fact that his head didn't even reach over the counter and he had to stand on his tiptoes to talk to them sort of told them that he couldn't reach the pedals. Then when he threw a temper tantrum because they wouldn't let him even try to get a license and his friends had to drag a kicking and screaming Yugi out of the office, the people were convinced that not only was he too young and immature, he also needed some serious anger management counseling, which Grandpa had been trying to get Yugi into, but he kept unintentionally soul-shattering them with Yami, and that didn't go over well. Then he tried to explain something that he didn't really understand well himself, and that didn't bode well with the people either.
Joey was still pretty ticked off at Tristan about the previous day and Tristan was not too pleased with the fact that he now had a fractured leg bone thanks to his former friend's steel tipped boot that he was ready to smash Joey over the head with. Tristan had to take a happy little visit to our good friend the hospital after class ended when he discovered that he couldn't walk very well without a searing pain arising from his leg. Now he was stuck with a crutch for six weeks and he was secretly plotting to murder Joey with a hacksaw. They'd been coasting along for about 1/2 hour now with no determined purpose, and were a considerable distance from any of their homes, when Yugi, the self-proclaimed peace maker, filled the sound vacancy,
"Ummm...how's your leg feeling, Tristan? Any better...?"
Tea smacked her forehead in a Yugi-that-was-so-not-the-right-thing-to-say way, and mumbled, "I think you're losing your touch, Yugi..." and Yugi detained that it was a mistake when Joey sneered with wickedness,
"Well, I sure hope it still feels like crap. I hope they gotta cut it off with a ax. With no pain-killa. I'd kick 'im again anyday. Guess Tristan's even whimpier 'n me...and he makes fun o' me..."
"Oh, yeah?! Well, at least I don't suck at duel monsters!" random, but true...this was before the whole Duelist Kingdom bit... "You don't even know what a trap card is, so there!"
Insulted, Joey yelled in his face, "Well, at least I can't pierce a damn shish-ke-bob on my hair, unicorn face!"
"Neither can I..." he reached up and felt his hair, realizing with dismay that this was true. "Ummm....well...I've heard that spiked hair is all the rage now!! Or it will be, fashion challenged!! Look at Yugi!" he indicated to the tri-color haired kid riding in the backseat. thanx for the Yugi description, Mystic Kiwi, maybe I'll spare you...for now...MWAH HA HA HA!!
"Since when does Yug got any fashion sense?! He wears a freakin' dog collar around his neck an' all that jewelry-an' look at his clothes with like a damn flair out cape in da back-"
The missing member of the seven dwarves cried, "Hey! Don't bring me into this!! And don't make fun of my wardrobe!! I live with my sixty year old grandpa in a freakin' game shop!! How normal can I possibly be?! And I LIKE my clothes, for your information. I like my clothes very much, thank you very much. And at least...at least...at least I- and my necklace is really cool!! Don't make fun of my puzzle. Just 'cause you don't appreciate it and threw part of it...Grandpa says it makes me special and he gave it to me...and...and...you're making fun of me!! You're so mean!"
And he turned his head away from his friends in the front, squashed himself against the window in a mopey manner, and stared out it at the passing cars, all the while mumbling nasty things to himself.
"Yeah!! YOU'RE the one who should be wearin' the dog collar, Joey!!"
"Hey!!"
"Look what you two did! Now Yugi's crying!!" She patted her little friend's shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry...it's okay...they weren't trying to be mean..." she smoothed his spiked hair out his reddened, squiched, face.
He pushed her away and grumbled, "I'm not CRYING, Tea. I just hope that those two go die somewhere in a remote area of South Africa by getting strangled by rabid snakes."
Skeptically, "Can snakes even be rabid?"
"Hmmm...good question, Joey."
She rolled her eyes as the pair muddled over that, and said cautiously, "Are you feeling okay, Yugi?"
"Yeah, just fine. My friends think I'm some kind of little shrimp who can't do anything and should just go be friends with some ten year olds. Well, I'm sure they're a whole lot nicer than you are! You guys never respected me, never! Just 'cause I'm short, and-and-for Christ Sakes, I have feelings too! Just 'cause I'm short doesn't mean I don't! I'm a human bean and-"
"That's human beings, Yug," he corrected him.
His tiny chin quivered and he began again, "See what I mean? No respect..." and he slouched away again grouchily and began kicking his little sneakers against the side of the car in an attempt to push the door open and throw himself out. There was a child safety lock on the door that he couldn't figure out, so he couldn't open the door without his friends' help...not that Joey knew how to work either....
"Yug, maybe you shouldn't be doin' that..."
"Don't go tellin' Yugi what to do! Didn't you just hear what he said?!"
"I'll tell 'im whatever the hell I want! EXCUSE me if I don't want my friend ta fall outa the door and get turned into a splattered multicolored pancake o' roadkill!!"
"People don't splatter, you moron. Kaiba's right...you really are stupid..."
"If the car's goin' fast enough, someone could!!"
"You're so thick you'd barely be phased if I shoved you out the window!"
"Well, at least I'd still be alive!!"
Yugi and Tea looked back and forth helplessly as their two friends pitted themselves against each other with their fiery tempers erupting at each other in an overflowing mess of a scorching dispute.
"Smooth going, Yugi..." she whispered. "They're probably going to kill each other now and then we'll have no one to drive..." And the continued listening as their horn-headed and ditsy friends prolonged their pointless quarreling.
"So what if I don't know howta multiply or divide or dat thing when ya take one number away from 'nother an' ya get another number-"
"You mean, 'subtraction?'" Tristan said mockingly.
"Ya, that. So I'm not a mathy person. I-"
"You couldn't even spell 'subtraction' if your life depended on it, 'unmathy person.'"
"So I'm not a spelly person either!! Who cares!! I'm good at other stuff! I...I..."
"You sure can stare at girls and make up really stupid excuses and lies about it..." he said under his breath.
"Hey!! That's why I kicked your damn leg in the first place! I can smash ya again pretty good too, an' there ain't no teacher here ta yell at me, 'Mr. Taylor!'" With this last remark he swung his leg back and crashed it into Tristan's impaired leg.
"OOOWWWWWWWW! What the hell was that for?!"
"So what, now you're mean AND stupid? You got less memory than a goldfish!! Ain't so great an' makin' fun of Joey anymore, are we Tristan?" Joey asked with sarcasm.
"Joey, watch the wheel! You're gonna get us killed!" Yugi yelped suddenly. Joey had been ignoring his driverly duties and quickly turned around and grabbed the wheel, swerving abruptly right before they smashed into a nearby karate hamster store.
"Ya crazy suicidal kids, get away from here and go kill yourselves somewhere else! Society hates you and you'll be damned to hell eternally for suicide! Murder of one's self is a sin! Read the Holy Scriptures more often, ya damn sacrilegious kids! I hope you get buried at an intersection so your lost souls won't don't know where to go! Ha ha ha! Eternal damnation! To all of you! Don't say you weren't warned..."
The mentally ill, old woman with thin white hair and cracking, arthritic limbs who happened to also be the owner screeched at them, pointing a bent, accusing finger at them. With her wrinkled, leathery skin, it was tough to say how she was held together. Another younger woman came out and led the ranting woman back inside through the beaded door, trails of incense wafting out the entrance, the old hag swinging her blunt wooden broom around in the air hostilely. The younger girl cast the incredibly terrified group a discomfited smile, and inched back inside.
Still rubbing his leg with remorse, Tristan said, "Oh, yeah, Joey? Well here's what I think about your damn metal boots. If you're gonna keep kicking me with them, fine. I'll do something about it. I can't be controlled by an idiot like you."
With this he yanked one of the boots off of Joey's socked foot and hurled it at Joey's startled face, and, with horrendous aim, he missed the blonde by a long shot and it bounced off his chair, which sent the violent piece of foot apparel soaring into the back seat with great momentum. Tea screamed and shielded her face, and it hit Yugi right in the head.
"You morons! Are you TRYING to kill Yugi?! We should bury YOU two at intersections! Then we wouldn't have to see you again! He's just a little kid! You can go right ahead and kill each other, but leave us out of it. We don't want to be casualties in your stupid war over nothing!"
With a sickening feeling that they'd given their little hobbit-poser friend a concussion or something, Joey murmured, "Hey...uhh...you 'kay, Yug...?"
Looking up perkily, he answered, "Yeah, I'm fine. Your boot just kinda bounced off my hair. I tried looking for it, but it wasn't on the floor..." his eyes searched around on the soft ground of the car again, and then he looked behind him. "Oh...I guess it broke your window in the back. Sorry about that..."
A bit freaked out, Joey replied slowly, "No...it's 'kay Yug...I'm jus' glad you're fine...maybe you should kinda lay back on the hair gel..."
"And I am NOT a little kid!" he unexpectedly spat in Tea's face, remembering the fact that she had said he was "a little kid." "Just 'cause I'm as tall as Kaiba's little brother and they wouldn't let me learn to drive doesn't mean-"
"Actually, Yugi, you're sort of shorter than him without your hair..." Tristan snickered.
"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that," the undersized fifteen year old griped sulkily.
"Joey, damn it, you're ignoring the wheel again!" Tea shrieked, disregarding the fact that her growth stunted friend was still upset.
Joey jerked his head forward just in time to see that the car was speeding head long at a phone pole, and he squealed the vehicle to a halt, black rubber of the tires melting instantly with the blistering, heated friction of the wheels against the pavement. Joey and Tristan hugged each other in frozen fear and yelled in unison, "Oh my God, we're gonna die! I'm so sorry I was mad at you!!" And they exploded into a torrent of sobs. Thinking strategically, Yugi leapt forward and slammed his size eleven children's foot onto the brakes, but the car smashed into the metal post anyway with a shattering CRASH!, but the initial blow was lessened substantially by Yugi's valiant effort.
They were petrified in absolute silence for about ten seconds until Joey and Tristan realized they hadn't been annihilated and they were hugging each other. They uncomfortably shoved each other away with disgust and moved over to the edges of their seats.
Tea finally asked, "Is everybody fine...?"
They all nodded, still recovering from the enduring atmosphere of fright, and then she yelled, "You could've KILLED us, you idiots! Do you know how stupid and dangerous your fight was?! Not only were you losing your friendship over some dumb girl, you almost made not only Yugi become road kill, we were almost all killed! If it wasn't for Yugi, we'd all be in morgues right now with spooky guys with gloves inspecting our dead bodies! Your friendship is more important than a dumb argument. And FURTHERMORE, you don't throw metal objects around in a moving car and you have to look at the damn road. Ever wonder what the thin, clear, panel of glass in the front of the car is for?"
Doubtfully, "No...everyone knows it's for lookin' through, Tea...is there some other use for it that I wasn't tol' 'bout?"
She inhaled heavily, and, clenching her teeth, "Exactly. You're supposed to be looking AHEAD when you drive, not behind you while you yell at us and get me and Yugi involved with your stupid fight...then you can't see the road, and that's when accidents like crashes with phone poles happen."
He sucked in his cheeks. "Oh."
"And they said I couldn't drive..." Yugi mumbled dejectedly, being negative for like the first time in his entire life.
"If ANYONE shouldn't be allowed to drive, it's Joey!"
"You've got that right," Tristan chuckled.
"Hey..."
"You're no better, Tristan. You nearly cracked poor Yugi's skull open with that damn steel tipped boot!! If he wasn't so obsessive compulsive about dousing his hair with stiff hair gel, then he'd be being rushed to the hospital right now!"
"Sorry, Yugi..."
Joey just scowled and crossed his arms, still fuming at Tristan.
"Joey..." she warned him.
"Yeah, whateva. Sorry Yug. But I ain't sorry for breakin' Tristan's leg..."
"Stop fighting, you two! Is Joey's crush on some girl really more important than your bond of friendship? Friends are supposed to support each other through everything, and not give up on that when they begin to fight."
"Your little 'friendship' speeches really get annoyin' sometimes..." Joey muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nuttin'."
"Fine. Anyway, so Joey has a thing for some girl. It's not like you haven't ever liked anyone, Tristan. And so he's a spazz in school. Big deal. It's not like everyone's a genius; not even you. You got a D on the last lab report, which Joey miraculously managed to pull off a B on."
"Prob'ly copied Yugi's paper..."
"Only accidentally!"
"You copied my paper...? I'm hurt, Joey..." Yugi lied, doing a terrible performance.
"Yeah, you'd never pull off a job as an actor unless the part was a mute dwarf, Yugi. You never let me copy off your paper. But Joey..."
Yugi looked at the ground in shame and was quiet.
"Yeah, nobody's perfect. Quit picking on Yugi. And, although I will admit that Joey was totally immature with the whole kicking bit..."
"She is so taking my side."
"I'm not siding with ANYONE, Tristan! You sound like a five year old! 'Mommy's siding with me! You're siding with him! No fair! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...'" she derided a child's whining voice. "Stop acting so babyish! God! Sometimes I just can't stand you two! Now quit it before I lose my mind. Stop killing each other and me and Yugi over your pathetic fight. Joey's sorry for kicking you, even if he won't admit it."
"Yeah, sure I am..."
"Hush up! And Tristan, just be glad he doesn't like some guy-"
"Rrrrrrggghhh!! I tol' ya! I don't like 'er!"
Tristan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. Like anyone would believe that. If you don't like her so much, maybe you should quit staring at her so much. If anybody-"
Changing the subject with an unwanted remark again, Yugi chimed in, "Maybe we should go check out the damage to your car, Joey?"
"Huh? Whaddaya mean, 'damage,' Yug?"
"Well, we DID only crash into a hard, metal pole, blondie," Tristan commented contemptuously. "Or did you forget that already?"
"No, I-" He looked though the "thin panel of glass in the front of the car," commonly known as the windshield. His features froze in terror. "Oh...my...GOD!! My dad is SO gonna KILL me!! Damn it...this is like his brand new used car! What was he THINKIN' lettin' me drive it?! Did he like lose his mind?!"
"He probably lost it years and years ago if he had to unfortunate task of raising you..."
Snubbing Tristan's remark, he continued his frantic rant, "He paid like twenty five bucks for it! What am I-"
"Don't you mean like maybe $25,000, Joey? Nobody pays $25 for a car unless you're in a time warp and it's one hundred years ago...and that's still sort of cheap..." Yugi informed him slowly.
"Twenty five grand?! There's no WAY I got that kinda money! My dad-he-he-he's gonna hack me ta pieces...little bitty pieces...with a hammer. A-an' then h-h-he's gonna...gonna shove me into the w-wall's an' th-then he..."
Reassuring his hyperventilating friend, Yugi said comfortingly, "It's okay, Joey. We'll-"
"Just out of curiosity, how could your dad hack you to pieces with a hammer? I mean, I could understand beating you to death with it...but it doesn't really have any sharp edges..." Tristan inquired.
"With da back sharp part dat ya use ta pull out nails, toothpick head. Ya don't obviously know ya implements o' murder an' destruction."
Exchanging concerned glances about the blonde's psychological health, the gang resumed calming him down to the point where he was now just listing ways that his father would put an end to his pitiful existence. They were currently all standing around the smoking wreck, previously known as Joey's car, and Joey was pacing around in little circles nervously.
"D'ya think that my dad'll shoot me on da spot, o' d'ya think that he'll poison me in my food later when I don't 'cpect it? Ac'tlly, it's more like Dad to burn me ta death with matches in the fireplace and then jus' pretend that I'm ashes...or maybe the axe in the garage..."
"For the last time, Joey, you dad isn't going to kill you. If he was, he would've almost definitely done it by now after having to deal with you all by himself for like eight entire years. I would've anyway...I'm surprised he hasn't abandoned you on the streets by now...I would've...besides, knowing your dad the way I do, he'd most likely make you slave drudgingly away earning the money to pay for the car and THEN kill you in a really bizarre, cruel way...like...feeding you to meat eating deer with fangs...or a fire breathing chicken with claws and wings...or maybe blood sucking beavers..."
"Tristan...don't say that. You'll just make him worse..."
Joey moaned, "You're right! That's exactly the kind o' thing Dad'll do!! Auuugggghh...I always knew those damn deers was evil...and those chickens...no wonder we eat 'em...keep the population down so they won't rebel...but vampire beavers? Hmmm...I kinda wondered how they chewed through all those thick trees...I KNEW those wildlife nutcases and all those laws was crazy...those damn animals are out ta get us...an' the damn hippies are in on it ta take over the world! An' then-" he digressed senselessly.
Yugi and Tea rolled their eyes in annoyance.
Tristan, completely serious and humorless, "I know...I never thought of that before, Joey...maybe you've really hit on something...we should go protest on those laws an' tell 'em what's really going on without us humans knowin' it...but we know the truth...we'll be famous!"
"Here, maybe we should fix the car first and THEN worry about Satan worshipping animals-"
"When did we ever say they worshipped Satan, Tea? I bet they really control Satan so they can torture humans for eternity...you know, they like to torture us, so they created hell and animals really rule the universe and-"
Agitated, "That's enough, Tristan. We'll get you to some nice friends in clean white coats later, and you can tell them all about the scheming animals."
"Joey has to come, too."
She sighed, "Oh, don't worry, he'll be right behind you. I can assure you of that. But first we're going to get the car fixed...the car (hopefully) won't cost more than 1000 bucks, and we'll help you pay, Joey...here, I've got...twenty-no-twenty two dollars," Tea suggested.
Joey lowered his eyes. "Yeah, that'll really help," he said with a recognizable hint of sarcasm.
Yugi and Tristan inspected the front of the car, with Yugi holding up the hood for Tristan to peek inside at the machinery, Tea standing nearby, and Joey was still being hysterical, gnawing his fingernails down to the cuticles painfully.
"Hmmmm...well, Joey...this doesn't look too bad...it shouldn't cost that much. Maybe-"
"You must be blind AND short, Yugi! Does all that hair get in your eyes?! Or did you get some gel in your eye? Did you fall down the stairs as a kid or something?! It doesn't even look like a CAR anymore!! It looks like some kind of disfigured, mangled, piece of-"
"I think Yugi was trying to make Joey feel a little better, Tristan, not worse..."
Joey sighed, "No, it's 'kay, guys. I'll just get killed by my dad, happens all the time anyway...C'mon, we better get it ta some car place if we ever wanna get home this year...besides, I can stall for time an' think up a story ta tell my dad."
Conveniently, an auto body was only a few yards away, so they didn't even need to push the car, which was an extremely lucky thing, bringing into account the fact that Tristan and Joey were the only ones strong enough to move it, but Tristan was handicapped, leaving only Joey, who certainly couldn't move a car all by himself.
They marched over to the portion of the place with the reception desk, and they entered to talk with the car dude who they were going to have repair the damage.
"Hey, guys, I gotta go call Grandpa 'cause I'm supposed to be home by 10:30, and by the looks of it, I don't think that's gonna happen."
"Hey, there's an idea! Why don't we just ask your Grandfather to drive us home, Yugi?"
"Sorry, Tea, but my Grandpa hasn't been feeling too well lately...the doctor says he shouldn't be driving for a while..."
"Oh...we're sorry, Yug. He gonna be OK?"
He nodded rapidly. "Oh, yeah. He just isn't supposed to drive." And the midget walked out and began to utilize the payphone outside.
While he was dialing, the tall, middle aged car man at the counter with short brown hair, deep mahogany eyes, and a almost indiscernible southern accent, came over to them and said, "Hey, can I help you kids?"
After they described their predicament, he remarked with amusement, "Why do you kids have such a little kid like that out so late? It's nearly 9:45 at night." He gestured to Yugi, who by now was having a lively conversation with his Grandpa about the new stock of rare cards coming into the shop the next day. "Shouldn't he be in bed? Wow, people sure are irresponsible these days..." he shook his head in disapproval.
"Ummm..." they held back a fit of giggles, deciding that Yugi had been humiliated enough for one day. "No...he's uuhhhh...he's our...our age, believe it or not...he's our friend...he's a little short, though..."
The man chuckled slightly. "A little...yeah, right...bet he could get into the book of world records for weirdest lookin' person under three feet tall. How much crap did ya say he puts on his hair every mornin'? Here, let's take a look see at your car now...you say you hit the phone pole? How the hell could that happen...? ...Are you all sober!?"
They put their hands up in defense of themselves and the trio all repeated 'yes, definitely,' a suspicious amount of times.
"Yeah, well I know one thing Joey's drunk on..." Tristan snickered.
His blonde friend whacked him again with the remaining boot, sending Tristan hopping around grasping his leg in pain.
The sarcastic man gave a Tea a why-the-hell-would-you-hang-out-with-them-in-your-right-mind-look, and then, out loud, "OK, let's get you little junior NBA star and go look at the car."
Tristan still clutching his shin, they led the horribly cynical individual over to the site of the brutal assassination of Joey's car, with Yugi trailing behind, running to keep up.
poor Yugi! Everybody makes fun of him!!! Tee-hee...but we love him anyway with his spiffy little puzzle and cute eyes and multi-colored hair. In case you're wondering what the hell this has to do with Jazzy, chad lee dah I t'will get to that.
Upon setting eyes on the automobile carcass and lifting up the nearly unrecognizable hood of the car (British chippies call them bonnets!) and scrutinizing the machine's corpse, the man finally notified them, "Well...this shouldn't cost more than $700 to repair..." deciding to go easy on the na•ve teenagers. When he saw that the dense blonde one was about ready to hang himself, he quickly added, "Don't worry, you don't have to pay it all at once...oh...and...there was a huge hole in the rear window...any idea how that happened? Did you throw the shorty one out, or what?"
"No...but we kinda do know how it happened...Tristan threw my boot outa the window 'n almost killed Yug-"
"You weren't even watching the wheel, genius!! You could've killed all of us, ya dumb blonde! People say that blondes can't chew gum an' walk, but they let 'em drive?! What the hell is THAT?!?"
"Somebody who knows that all blondes ain't all dumb! Some of 'em can be real smart! Bet your racist brain couldn't even comprehend that!"
"Wow, Joey knows a big word. You sure aren't one of the smart ones! I bet you couldn't even spell 'comprehend'!"
"Oh yeah, well...sure I could...umm...K-no-C, R...I...P..."
The critical car repair man laughed.
"I told you you couldn't! HA! Do you need to review your alphabet, wittle Joey?" he said babyishly. He pointed a finger at the man. "And you stay outa this!"
"Rrrrrrr...I'll show you 'wittle,' Narwhal Face. You're gonna wish ya never crossed Joey Wheeler today!"
"Oh yeah?! You couldn' t even punch me if you tried."
With this threat, the two psychopaths began to massacre each other in the middle of the sidewalk.
There was nothing their friends could do to stop them without getting slaughtered themselves, so they stood by with the car man in stupefied shock.
"Man, Yugi, I've never seen them like this before...they're really easy to tick off lately...I wonder what their problem is...is there some kind of PMS for guys or something...?"
Slightly embarrassed at the question, Yugi sheepishly answered, "Well...not that I...know of..." An awkward silence resulted for the next few moments.
"Are those two escaped mental ward patients friends? Strange, I always thought that friends generally didn't murder each other in the middle of the road...maybe there's a new definition of 'friend' going around...did the words 'enemy' and 'friend' switch meanings or somethin'?"
"No...but, yeah, they're friends...this is just kinda their weird way of showing they care, I guess..." Tea shrugged.
"Okay...well, I doubt the blonde'll be too happy when he realizes that his boot belongs to some hobo livin' in a shoppin' cart by now...he's purty slow, so he won't remember for a while...but when he does, he won't be happy..."
"Could you stop dissing our friends?" Tea asked viciously. "They may be weird, but they're our best friends and we're closer than anyone in the world."
"I doubt Blondie'll be too friendly when the other one breaks his face in."
Yugi giggled. "Naaaaahhh...It's okay. They're almost always at each other's throats like this...but they make up somehow...I don't think Joey's boot'll get in the way of their friendship...like what Tea said, they're too close for that. They-"
The three of them winced as they heard a vile CRUNCH as Tristan socked Joey in the face.
Joey started to bawl, gripping his nose.
"Aaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh! Look what you did! Are ya tryig ta kill me?! Dow by node id bleedig!!" He sniffled. A trickle of blood started to ooze down his face, forming a dark red mark on his shirt. He smeared his finger across the bottom of his nose where the liquid was steadily leaching out to temporarily rid his face of blood.
"Oh...ummm...sorry, Joe. I guess we're even now..."
"Ebed?! EBED?!! We ain't ebed! Firdt ya make fub ob be, and den ya punch be in da node!! Dow I'b bleedig! I'b prob'bly godda die ob lobb ob blood! Ab leabt by bad can't kill be dow!!"
"Here, Joey, stop talking, that can't be good for you. We'll go inside and get you something for your nose. And YOU-" she shot a venomous glare at Tristan as she attempted to support Joey. "Yugi, talk to Tristan before he ends up talking to ME."
Yugi did one of his oh-so-cute pigeon nods complete with 'hmmm' of agreement and went to have a little talk with Tristan. The unkindly pessimistic car dude, still giving them unsure are-you-positive-they-re-sane-do-you-want-me-to-call-the-funny-farm looks, left them to go work on their car, and the group went into the convenience store that was adjacent to the auto body.
chippy, don't worry, t'will all make sense in good time. I know that has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, at least for now...Yeah, and I know Tea doesn't generally act like that, but she was pissed off, and besides, t'was fun.
this is like one of my favorite chapters; but it's REALLY long. I think the next chapter's longer, though...[checks spiffy little notebook] yup, definitely is. It's better, too. Oh, yeah, and in case you think I'm some kind of person who's like out to kill Mystic Kiwi, [cue evil laughter] I'm not; we're actually really good friends. [neither of us can figure out how we've stayed friends so long...] It's just that I hate the phrase "anywho" and now she's got me saying it. I just remembered how she told me Claudia dies in Interview with the Vampire and I cry when she does whenever I reread it and Mystic Kiwi should die!!!! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [sobs uncontrollably for a few moments]. Oh, yeah, and to redeem myself for all the times I've condemned her to die, read her stories. [she's hopeless and needs the publicity]. They're really cool, especially the mole poem and the tiger "Huntress" poem. The protagonist in "Timeless" really pisses me off, though. VALERIE HERALD SHOULD DIE!!!! But, Chad lee dah. Oh, yeah, and the "Across Time" story was brought to you in part by the following sponsors: MWA!!! (is that how you spell it in French?) I made up the super spiffy name Selene for the girl, and I convinced her to write it, so I'm not as satanic as you might be led to believe. While I'm at it, read my other friend's stories too, even though they'll all probably forsake me and say, "I don't know her! She's just...ummm...some random nutcase who THINKS she knows us!"Hee..hee...Well, anywho [aauuuggggh!!! The pestilence is spreading!!!] read ShadowSpirit, Englasu [like she needs the advertising! 200 something fucking reviews for like her first story! Yeah, right...at least I have better sayings like chad lee da and okey pokey.] Randomitsanity, Heavenstone, and, uh...I think that's it...yeah, bye...
The gang was driving in Joey's dad's car home from school and they were just sorta cruising around afterwards because they didn't have to go home and they didn't want to either. wouldn't you rather drive around with your friends instead? Joey was driving because it was sort of his car, Tristan is just too, well, Tristany, (and he couldn't press the pedals without some help), Tea didn't feel like it and she doesn't scream at other drivers enough, and nobody at the driving agencies and the signing up places for drivers ed would believe Yugi that he was old enough to drive. He'd already attempted to sway them from their decision not to allow him to drive and then they told him at the counter that he should come back when he grew up in seven years. The fact that his head didn't even reach over the counter and he had to stand on his tiptoes to talk to them sort of told them that he couldn't reach the pedals. Then when he threw a temper tantrum because they wouldn't let him even try to get a license and his friends had to drag a kicking and screaming Yugi out of the office, the people were convinced that not only was he too young and immature, he also needed some serious anger management counseling, which Grandpa had been trying to get Yugi into, but he kept unintentionally soul-shattering them with Yami, and that didn't go over well. Then he tried to explain something that he didn't really understand well himself, and that didn't bode well with the people either.
Joey was still pretty ticked off at Tristan about the previous day and Tristan was not too pleased with the fact that he now had a fractured leg bone thanks to his former friend's steel tipped boot that he was ready to smash Joey over the head with. Tristan had to take a happy little visit to our good friend the hospital after class ended when he discovered that he couldn't walk very well without a searing pain arising from his leg. Now he was stuck with a crutch for six weeks and he was secretly plotting to murder Joey with a hacksaw. They'd been coasting along for about 1/2 hour now with no determined purpose, and were a considerable distance from any of their homes, when Yugi, the self-proclaimed peace maker, filled the sound vacancy,
"Ummm...how's your leg feeling, Tristan? Any better...?"
Tea smacked her forehead in a Yugi-that-was-so-not-the-right-thing-to-say way, and mumbled, "I think you're losing your touch, Yugi..." and Yugi detained that it was a mistake when Joey sneered with wickedness,
"Well, I sure hope it still feels like crap. I hope they gotta cut it off with a ax. With no pain-killa. I'd kick 'im again anyday. Guess Tristan's even whimpier 'n me...and he makes fun o' me..."
"Oh, yeah?! Well, at least I don't suck at duel monsters!" random, but true...this was before the whole Duelist Kingdom bit... "You don't even know what a trap card is, so there!"
Insulted, Joey yelled in his face, "Well, at least I can't pierce a damn shish-ke-bob on my hair, unicorn face!"
"Neither can I..." he reached up and felt his hair, realizing with dismay that this was true. "Ummm....well...I've heard that spiked hair is all the rage now!! Or it will be, fashion challenged!! Look at Yugi!" he indicated to the tri-color haired kid riding in the backseat. thanx for the Yugi description, Mystic Kiwi, maybe I'll spare you...for now...MWAH HA HA HA!!
"Since when does Yug got any fashion sense?! He wears a freakin' dog collar around his neck an' all that jewelry-an' look at his clothes with like a damn flair out cape in da back-"
The missing member of the seven dwarves cried, "Hey! Don't bring me into this!! And don't make fun of my wardrobe!! I live with my sixty year old grandpa in a freakin' game shop!! How normal can I possibly be?! And I LIKE my clothes, for your information. I like my clothes very much, thank you very much. And at least...at least...at least I- and my necklace is really cool!! Don't make fun of my puzzle. Just 'cause you don't appreciate it and threw part of it...Grandpa says it makes me special and he gave it to me...and...and...you're making fun of me!! You're so mean!"
And he turned his head away from his friends in the front, squashed himself against the window in a mopey manner, and stared out it at the passing cars, all the while mumbling nasty things to himself.
"Yeah!! YOU'RE the one who should be wearin' the dog collar, Joey!!"
"Hey!!"
"Look what you two did! Now Yugi's crying!!" She patted her little friend's shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry...it's okay...they weren't trying to be mean..." she smoothed his spiked hair out his reddened, squiched, face.
He pushed her away and grumbled, "I'm not CRYING, Tea. I just hope that those two go die somewhere in a remote area of South Africa by getting strangled by rabid snakes."
Skeptically, "Can snakes even be rabid?"
"Hmmm...good question, Joey."
She rolled her eyes as the pair muddled over that, and said cautiously, "Are you feeling okay, Yugi?"
"Yeah, just fine. My friends think I'm some kind of little shrimp who can't do anything and should just go be friends with some ten year olds. Well, I'm sure they're a whole lot nicer than you are! You guys never respected me, never! Just 'cause I'm short, and-and-for Christ Sakes, I have feelings too! Just 'cause I'm short doesn't mean I don't! I'm a human bean and-"
"That's human beings, Yug," he corrected him.
His tiny chin quivered and he began again, "See what I mean? No respect..." and he slouched away again grouchily and began kicking his little sneakers against the side of the car in an attempt to push the door open and throw himself out. There was a child safety lock on the door that he couldn't figure out, so he couldn't open the door without his friends' help...not that Joey knew how to work either....
"Yug, maybe you shouldn't be doin' that..."
"Don't go tellin' Yugi what to do! Didn't you just hear what he said?!"
"I'll tell 'im whatever the hell I want! EXCUSE me if I don't want my friend ta fall outa the door and get turned into a splattered multicolored pancake o' roadkill!!"
"People don't splatter, you moron. Kaiba's right...you really are stupid..."
"If the car's goin' fast enough, someone could!!"
"You're so thick you'd barely be phased if I shoved you out the window!"
"Well, at least I'd still be alive!!"
Yugi and Tea looked back and forth helplessly as their two friends pitted themselves against each other with their fiery tempers erupting at each other in an overflowing mess of a scorching dispute.
"Smooth going, Yugi..." she whispered. "They're probably going to kill each other now and then we'll have no one to drive..." And the continued listening as their horn-headed and ditsy friends prolonged their pointless quarreling.
"So what if I don't know howta multiply or divide or dat thing when ya take one number away from 'nother an' ya get another number-"
"You mean, 'subtraction?'" Tristan said mockingly.
"Ya, that. So I'm not a mathy person. I-"
"You couldn't even spell 'subtraction' if your life depended on it, 'unmathy person.'"
"So I'm not a spelly person either!! Who cares!! I'm good at other stuff! I...I..."
"You sure can stare at girls and make up really stupid excuses and lies about it..." he said under his breath.
"Hey!! That's why I kicked your damn leg in the first place! I can smash ya again pretty good too, an' there ain't no teacher here ta yell at me, 'Mr. Taylor!'" With this last remark he swung his leg back and crashed it into Tristan's impaired leg.
"OOOWWWWWWWW! What the hell was that for?!"
"So what, now you're mean AND stupid? You got less memory than a goldfish!! Ain't so great an' makin' fun of Joey anymore, are we Tristan?" Joey asked with sarcasm.
"Joey, watch the wheel! You're gonna get us killed!" Yugi yelped suddenly. Joey had been ignoring his driverly duties and quickly turned around and grabbed the wheel, swerving abruptly right before they smashed into a nearby karate hamster store.
"Ya crazy suicidal kids, get away from here and go kill yourselves somewhere else! Society hates you and you'll be damned to hell eternally for suicide! Murder of one's self is a sin! Read the Holy Scriptures more often, ya damn sacrilegious kids! I hope you get buried at an intersection so your lost souls won't don't know where to go! Ha ha ha! Eternal damnation! To all of you! Don't say you weren't warned..."
The mentally ill, old woman with thin white hair and cracking, arthritic limbs who happened to also be the owner screeched at them, pointing a bent, accusing finger at them. With her wrinkled, leathery skin, it was tough to say how she was held together. Another younger woman came out and led the ranting woman back inside through the beaded door, trails of incense wafting out the entrance, the old hag swinging her blunt wooden broom around in the air hostilely. The younger girl cast the incredibly terrified group a discomfited smile, and inched back inside.
Still rubbing his leg with remorse, Tristan said, "Oh, yeah, Joey? Well here's what I think about your damn metal boots. If you're gonna keep kicking me with them, fine. I'll do something about it. I can't be controlled by an idiot like you."
With this he yanked one of the boots off of Joey's socked foot and hurled it at Joey's startled face, and, with horrendous aim, he missed the blonde by a long shot and it bounced off his chair, which sent the violent piece of foot apparel soaring into the back seat with great momentum. Tea screamed and shielded her face, and it hit Yugi right in the head.
"You morons! Are you TRYING to kill Yugi?! We should bury YOU two at intersections! Then we wouldn't have to see you again! He's just a little kid! You can go right ahead and kill each other, but leave us out of it. We don't want to be casualties in your stupid war over nothing!"
With a sickening feeling that they'd given their little hobbit-poser friend a concussion or something, Joey murmured, "Hey...uhh...you 'kay, Yug...?"
Looking up perkily, he answered, "Yeah, I'm fine. Your boot just kinda bounced off my hair. I tried looking for it, but it wasn't on the floor..." his eyes searched around on the soft ground of the car again, and then he looked behind him. "Oh...I guess it broke your window in the back. Sorry about that..."
A bit freaked out, Joey replied slowly, "No...it's 'kay Yug...I'm jus' glad you're fine...maybe you should kinda lay back on the hair gel..."
"And I am NOT a little kid!" he unexpectedly spat in Tea's face, remembering the fact that she had said he was "a little kid." "Just 'cause I'm as tall as Kaiba's little brother and they wouldn't let me learn to drive doesn't mean-"
"Actually, Yugi, you're sort of shorter than him without your hair..." Tristan snickered.
"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that," the undersized fifteen year old griped sulkily.
"Joey, damn it, you're ignoring the wheel again!" Tea shrieked, disregarding the fact that her growth stunted friend was still upset.
Joey jerked his head forward just in time to see that the car was speeding head long at a phone pole, and he squealed the vehicle to a halt, black rubber of the tires melting instantly with the blistering, heated friction of the wheels against the pavement. Joey and Tristan hugged each other in frozen fear and yelled in unison, "Oh my God, we're gonna die! I'm so sorry I was mad at you!!" And they exploded into a torrent of sobs. Thinking strategically, Yugi leapt forward and slammed his size eleven children's foot onto the brakes, but the car smashed into the metal post anyway with a shattering CRASH!, but the initial blow was lessened substantially by Yugi's valiant effort.
They were petrified in absolute silence for about ten seconds until Joey and Tristan realized they hadn't been annihilated and they were hugging each other. They uncomfortably shoved each other away with disgust and moved over to the edges of their seats.
Tea finally asked, "Is everybody fine...?"
They all nodded, still recovering from the enduring atmosphere of fright, and then she yelled, "You could've KILLED us, you idiots! Do you know how stupid and dangerous your fight was?! Not only were you losing your friendship over some dumb girl, you almost made not only Yugi become road kill, we were almost all killed! If it wasn't for Yugi, we'd all be in morgues right now with spooky guys with gloves inspecting our dead bodies! Your friendship is more important than a dumb argument. And FURTHERMORE, you don't throw metal objects around in a moving car and you have to look at the damn road. Ever wonder what the thin, clear, panel of glass in the front of the car is for?"
Doubtfully, "No...everyone knows it's for lookin' through, Tea...is there some other use for it that I wasn't tol' 'bout?"
She inhaled heavily, and, clenching her teeth, "Exactly. You're supposed to be looking AHEAD when you drive, not behind you while you yell at us and get me and Yugi involved with your stupid fight...then you can't see the road, and that's when accidents like crashes with phone poles happen."
He sucked in his cheeks. "Oh."
"And they said I couldn't drive..." Yugi mumbled dejectedly, being negative for like the first time in his entire life.
"If ANYONE shouldn't be allowed to drive, it's Joey!"
"You've got that right," Tristan chuckled.
"Hey..."
"You're no better, Tristan. You nearly cracked poor Yugi's skull open with that damn steel tipped boot!! If he wasn't so obsessive compulsive about dousing his hair with stiff hair gel, then he'd be being rushed to the hospital right now!"
"Sorry, Yugi..."
Joey just scowled and crossed his arms, still fuming at Tristan.
"Joey..." she warned him.
"Yeah, whateva. Sorry Yug. But I ain't sorry for breakin' Tristan's leg..."
"Stop fighting, you two! Is Joey's crush on some girl really more important than your bond of friendship? Friends are supposed to support each other through everything, and not give up on that when they begin to fight."
"Your little 'friendship' speeches really get annoyin' sometimes..." Joey muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nuttin'."
"Fine. Anyway, so Joey has a thing for some girl. It's not like you haven't ever liked anyone, Tristan. And so he's a spazz in school. Big deal. It's not like everyone's a genius; not even you. You got a D on the last lab report, which Joey miraculously managed to pull off a B on."
"Prob'ly copied Yugi's paper..."
"Only accidentally!"
"You copied my paper...? I'm hurt, Joey..." Yugi lied, doing a terrible performance.
"Yeah, you'd never pull off a job as an actor unless the part was a mute dwarf, Yugi. You never let me copy off your paper. But Joey..."
Yugi looked at the ground in shame and was quiet.
"Yeah, nobody's perfect. Quit picking on Yugi. And, although I will admit that Joey was totally immature with the whole kicking bit..."
"She is so taking my side."
"I'm not siding with ANYONE, Tristan! You sound like a five year old! 'Mommy's siding with me! You're siding with him! No fair! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...'" she derided a child's whining voice. "Stop acting so babyish! God! Sometimes I just can't stand you two! Now quit it before I lose my mind. Stop killing each other and me and Yugi over your pathetic fight. Joey's sorry for kicking you, even if he won't admit it."
"Yeah, sure I am..."
"Hush up! And Tristan, just be glad he doesn't like some guy-"
"Rrrrrrggghhh!! I tol' ya! I don't like 'er!"
Tristan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. Like anyone would believe that. If you don't like her so much, maybe you should quit staring at her so much. If anybody-"
Changing the subject with an unwanted remark again, Yugi chimed in, "Maybe we should go check out the damage to your car, Joey?"
"Huh? Whaddaya mean, 'damage,' Yug?"
"Well, we DID only crash into a hard, metal pole, blondie," Tristan commented contemptuously. "Or did you forget that already?"
"No, I-" He looked though the "thin panel of glass in the front of the car," commonly known as the windshield. His features froze in terror. "Oh...my...GOD!! My dad is SO gonna KILL me!! Damn it...this is like his brand new used car! What was he THINKIN' lettin' me drive it?! Did he like lose his mind?!"
"He probably lost it years and years ago if he had to unfortunate task of raising you..."
Snubbing Tristan's remark, he continued his frantic rant, "He paid like twenty five bucks for it! What am I-"
"Don't you mean like maybe $25,000, Joey? Nobody pays $25 for a car unless you're in a time warp and it's one hundred years ago...and that's still sort of cheap..." Yugi informed him slowly.
"Twenty five grand?! There's no WAY I got that kinda money! My dad-he-he-he's gonna hack me ta pieces...little bitty pieces...with a hammer. A-an' then h-h-he's gonna...gonna shove me into the w-wall's an' th-then he..."
Reassuring his hyperventilating friend, Yugi said comfortingly, "It's okay, Joey. We'll-"
"Just out of curiosity, how could your dad hack you to pieces with a hammer? I mean, I could understand beating you to death with it...but it doesn't really have any sharp edges..." Tristan inquired.
"With da back sharp part dat ya use ta pull out nails, toothpick head. Ya don't obviously know ya implements o' murder an' destruction."
Exchanging concerned glances about the blonde's psychological health, the gang resumed calming him down to the point where he was now just listing ways that his father would put an end to his pitiful existence. They were currently all standing around the smoking wreck, previously known as Joey's car, and Joey was pacing around in little circles nervously.
"D'ya think that my dad'll shoot me on da spot, o' d'ya think that he'll poison me in my food later when I don't 'cpect it? Ac'tlly, it's more like Dad to burn me ta death with matches in the fireplace and then jus' pretend that I'm ashes...or maybe the axe in the garage..."
"For the last time, Joey, you dad isn't going to kill you. If he was, he would've almost definitely done it by now after having to deal with you all by himself for like eight entire years. I would've anyway...I'm surprised he hasn't abandoned you on the streets by now...I would've...besides, knowing your dad the way I do, he'd most likely make you slave drudgingly away earning the money to pay for the car and THEN kill you in a really bizarre, cruel way...like...feeding you to meat eating deer with fangs...or a fire breathing chicken with claws and wings...or maybe blood sucking beavers..."
"Tristan...don't say that. You'll just make him worse..."
Joey moaned, "You're right! That's exactly the kind o' thing Dad'll do!! Auuugggghh...I always knew those damn deers was evil...and those chickens...no wonder we eat 'em...keep the population down so they won't rebel...but vampire beavers? Hmmm...I kinda wondered how they chewed through all those thick trees...I KNEW those wildlife nutcases and all those laws was crazy...those damn animals are out ta get us...an' the damn hippies are in on it ta take over the world! An' then-" he digressed senselessly.
Yugi and Tea rolled their eyes in annoyance.
Tristan, completely serious and humorless, "I know...I never thought of that before, Joey...maybe you've really hit on something...we should go protest on those laws an' tell 'em what's really going on without us humans knowin' it...but we know the truth...we'll be famous!"
"Here, maybe we should fix the car first and THEN worry about Satan worshipping animals-"
"When did we ever say they worshipped Satan, Tea? I bet they really control Satan so they can torture humans for eternity...you know, they like to torture us, so they created hell and animals really rule the universe and-"
Agitated, "That's enough, Tristan. We'll get you to some nice friends in clean white coats later, and you can tell them all about the scheming animals."
"Joey has to come, too."
She sighed, "Oh, don't worry, he'll be right behind you. I can assure you of that. But first we're going to get the car fixed...the car (hopefully) won't cost more than 1000 bucks, and we'll help you pay, Joey...here, I've got...twenty-no-twenty two dollars," Tea suggested.
Joey lowered his eyes. "Yeah, that'll really help," he said with a recognizable hint of sarcasm.
Yugi and Tristan inspected the front of the car, with Yugi holding up the hood for Tristan to peek inside at the machinery, Tea standing nearby, and Joey was still being hysterical, gnawing his fingernails down to the cuticles painfully.
"Hmmmm...well, Joey...this doesn't look too bad...it shouldn't cost that much. Maybe-"
"You must be blind AND short, Yugi! Does all that hair get in your eyes?! Or did you get some gel in your eye? Did you fall down the stairs as a kid or something?! It doesn't even look like a CAR anymore!! It looks like some kind of disfigured, mangled, piece of-"
"I think Yugi was trying to make Joey feel a little better, Tristan, not worse..."
Joey sighed, "No, it's 'kay, guys. I'll just get killed by my dad, happens all the time anyway...C'mon, we better get it ta some car place if we ever wanna get home this year...besides, I can stall for time an' think up a story ta tell my dad."
Conveniently, an auto body was only a few yards away, so they didn't even need to push the car, which was an extremely lucky thing, bringing into account the fact that Tristan and Joey were the only ones strong enough to move it, but Tristan was handicapped, leaving only Joey, who certainly couldn't move a car all by himself.
They marched over to the portion of the place with the reception desk, and they entered to talk with the car dude who they were going to have repair the damage.
"Hey, guys, I gotta go call Grandpa 'cause I'm supposed to be home by 10:30, and by the looks of it, I don't think that's gonna happen."
"Hey, there's an idea! Why don't we just ask your Grandfather to drive us home, Yugi?"
"Sorry, Tea, but my Grandpa hasn't been feeling too well lately...the doctor says he shouldn't be driving for a while..."
"Oh...we're sorry, Yug. He gonna be OK?"
He nodded rapidly. "Oh, yeah. He just isn't supposed to drive." And the midget walked out and began to utilize the payphone outside.
While he was dialing, the tall, middle aged car man at the counter with short brown hair, deep mahogany eyes, and a almost indiscernible southern accent, came over to them and said, "Hey, can I help you kids?"
After they described their predicament, he remarked with amusement, "Why do you kids have such a little kid like that out so late? It's nearly 9:45 at night." He gestured to Yugi, who by now was having a lively conversation with his Grandpa about the new stock of rare cards coming into the shop the next day. "Shouldn't he be in bed? Wow, people sure are irresponsible these days..." he shook his head in disapproval.
"Ummm..." they held back a fit of giggles, deciding that Yugi had been humiliated enough for one day. "No...he's uuhhhh...he's our...our age, believe it or not...he's our friend...he's a little short, though..."
The man chuckled slightly. "A little...yeah, right...bet he could get into the book of world records for weirdest lookin' person under three feet tall. How much crap did ya say he puts on his hair every mornin'? Here, let's take a look see at your car now...you say you hit the phone pole? How the hell could that happen...? ...Are you all sober!?"
They put their hands up in defense of themselves and the trio all repeated 'yes, definitely,' a suspicious amount of times.
"Yeah, well I know one thing Joey's drunk on..." Tristan snickered.
His blonde friend whacked him again with the remaining boot, sending Tristan hopping around grasping his leg in pain.
The sarcastic man gave a Tea a why-the-hell-would-you-hang-out-with-them-in-your-right-mind-look, and then, out loud, "OK, let's get you little junior NBA star and go look at the car."
Tristan still clutching his shin, they led the horribly cynical individual over to the site of the brutal assassination of Joey's car, with Yugi trailing behind, running to keep up.
poor Yugi! Everybody makes fun of him!!! Tee-hee...but we love him anyway with his spiffy little puzzle and cute eyes and multi-colored hair. In case you're wondering what the hell this has to do with Jazzy, chad lee dah I t'will get to that.
Upon setting eyes on the automobile carcass and lifting up the nearly unrecognizable hood of the car (British chippies call them bonnets!) and scrutinizing the machine's corpse, the man finally notified them, "Well...this shouldn't cost more than $700 to repair..." deciding to go easy on the na•ve teenagers. When he saw that the dense blonde one was about ready to hang himself, he quickly added, "Don't worry, you don't have to pay it all at once...oh...and...there was a huge hole in the rear window...any idea how that happened? Did you throw the shorty one out, or what?"
"No...but we kinda do know how it happened...Tristan threw my boot outa the window 'n almost killed Yug-"
"You weren't even watching the wheel, genius!! You could've killed all of us, ya dumb blonde! People say that blondes can't chew gum an' walk, but they let 'em drive?! What the hell is THAT?!?"
"Somebody who knows that all blondes ain't all dumb! Some of 'em can be real smart! Bet your racist brain couldn't even comprehend that!"
"Wow, Joey knows a big word. You sure aren't one of the smart ones! I bet you couldn't even spell 'comprehend'!"
"Oh yeah, well...sure I could...umm...K-no-C, R...I...P..."
The critical car repair man laughed.
"I told you you couldn't! HA! Do you need to review your alphabet, wittle Joey?" he said babyishly. He pointed a finger at the man. "And you stay outa this!"
"Rrrrrrr...I'll show you 'wittle,' Narwhal Face. You're gonna wish ya never crossed Joey Wheeler today!"
"Oh yeah?! You couldn' t even punch me if you tried."
With this threat, the two psychopaths began to massacre each other in the middle of the sidewalk.
There was nothing their friends could do to stop them without getting slaughtered themselves, so they stood by with the car man in stupefied shock.
"Man, Yugi, I've never seen them like this before...they're really easy to tick off lately...I wonder what their problem is...is there some kind of PMS for guys or something...?"
Slightly embarrassed at the question, Yugi sheepishly answered, "Well...not that I...know of..." An awkward silence resulted for the next few moments.
"Are those two escaped mental ward patients friends? Strange, I always thought that friends generally didn't murder each other in the middle of the road...maybe there's a new definition of 'friend' going around...did the words 'enemy' and 'friend' switch meanings or somethin'?"
"No...but, yeah, they're friends...this is just kinda their weird way of showing they care, I guess..." Tea shrugged.
"Okay...well, I doubt the blonde'll be too happy when he realizes that his boot belongs to some hobo livin' in a shoppin' cart by now...he's purty slow, so he won't remember for a while...but when he does, he won't be happy..."
"Could you stop dissing our friends?" Tea asked viciously. "They may be weird, but they're our best friends and we're closer than anyone in the world."
"I doubt Blondie'll be too friendly when the other one breaks his face in."
Yugi giggled. "Naaaaahhh...It's okay. They're almost always at each other's throats like this...but they make up somehow...I don't think Joey's boot'll get in the way of their friendship...like what Tea said, they're too close for that. They-"
The three of them winced as they heard a vile CRUNCH as Tristan socked Joey in the face.
Joey started to bawl, gripping his nose.
"Aaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh! Look what you did! Are ya tryig ta kill me?! Dow by node id bleedig!!" He sniffled. A trickle of blood started to ooze down his face, forming a dark red mark on his shirt. He smeared his finger across the bottom of his nose where the liquid was steadily leaching out to temporarily rid his face of blood.
"Oh...ummm...sorry, Joe. I guess we're even now..."
"Ebed?! EBED?!! We ain't ebed! Firdt ya make fub ob be, and den ya punch be in da node!! Dow I'b bleedig! I'b prob'bly godda die ob lobb ob blood! Ab leabt by bad can't kill be dow!!"
"Here, Joey, stop talking, that can't be good for you. We'll go inside and get you something for your nose. And YOU-" she shot a venomous glare at Tristan as she attempted to support Joey. "Yugi, talk to Tristan before he ends up talking to ME."
Yugi did one of his oh-so-cute pigeon nods complete with 'hmmm' of agreement and went to have a little talk with Tristan. The unkindly pessimistic car dude, still giving them unsure are-you-positive-they-re-sane-do-you-want-me-to-call-the-funny-farm looks, left them to go work on their car, and the group went into the convenience store that was adjacent to the auto body.
chippy, don't worry, t'will all make sense in good time. I know that has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, at least for now...Yeah, and I know Tea doesn't generally act like that, but she was pissed off, and besides, t'was fun.