THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth, Melchiah etc: not mine. Very creative people at Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights made those. Kurt Wagner: again, not mine. All hail Marvel Comics for their creative genius. Rat belongs to The Deville's Dog (further story about Rat is in the Originals section. Check it out ^_^) Lupa and Vladimir are my creations and for some odd reason I want to keep them. :)

Thank you for all your reviews and best wishes. I feel much better now. Unfortunately the bad case of getting married I contracted about a year ago doesn't seem to be going away. *grins*

Oh and Syvia, Kain knows Vladimir from a previous chapter when Kain turns up, covered in soot, in Vladimir's lounge!

Vladimir, still running, is the first to enter Melchiah's chamber. He stops dead. Raziel and Kain promptly run into his back.

Raziel: Oof!

Kain: What are we stopping for? Trample the little squirt.

Vladimir: *lip curled and whiskers arched in distaste* Ewwwwww….this place is way beyond disgusting…

From behind him, Lupa, Kurt and Rat lean over his shoulder and peer out into the gloom. Melchiah's room (as you well know…*grins*) is a circular torture chamber decorated in typical Nosgothian faux-medieval, with a charming centre-piece of a vast metal cage, topped by a truly unbelievably large meat grinder. Inside the cage, the remains of Melchiah can still be glimpsed, and there is dark blood on the floor.

Kain turns on Raziel in a temper.

Kain: You squashed your little brother?!?

Raziel: *incredulous* Little? There are elephants in this world that are lighter on their feet than Melchiah was.

Kain: *heavily* You know what I mean.

Lupa: *to Kain* You mean you didn't know? I thought you knew. They're dead. All of them. Raz killed them.

Kain: I knew they were dead. *turns on Raziel* But I had no idea you would resort to squashing. I'm shocked. Shocked and appalled.

Raziel: *looking slightly smug* Squashing, exploding, lighting a furnace with, you name it, I've done it.

Kain: Why you little-

They do the Homer and Bart Simpson choking thing. Lupa intervenes.

Lupa: Hey!

They both freeze and look at her.

Lupa: Hello? Ugly demon thing on our tails?

Rat: *who is further back down the tunnel* Very much on our tails.

They can all hear, by now, the demon's heavy tread in the passage. Kurt, somewhat foolishly, crawls along the tunnel ceiling towards the noises. He stops when the demon thumps past directly below him, then he vanishes in a cloud of purplish smoke.

Kurt: *reappearing at Rat's side* He's on his way. Let's move.

Lupa: *saluting ironically* Yes, sir, o great leader of Excalibur.

The mutant pokes her in the arm.

Kurt: I thought you'd been warned about making jokes about big weapons.

Lupa: I know. I know. I just can't help myself. Character flaw.

They all hurry out into the room, Vladimir edging around the dried splatters of blood on the floor and going "Ew. Ewww," at intervals.

Rat: *to Raziel* What is this place?

Raziel: Well, you know how werewolves are sometimes referred to as 'skin-changers'?

Rat: Sure.

Raziel: This is the dark side of skin-changing. Welcome to the twisted, sick world of my baby brother.

Lupa: Oh, like no elder brother's ever said that before.

Kain and Vladimir swing themselves up onto the outcrop where Raziel had crouched, several months previously, trying desperately to work out how to squash his brother. Rat is playing with a lever on the wall nearby: Kurt and Lupa are discussing tactics.

Lupa: So when he comes through the door here, you 'port to the lever behind that portcullis there –

Kurt: At which point you'll already be waiting by that lever behind that portcullis there…*he points*

Lupa: Then, once I've slammed down the lever, we have to –

Raziel: *who has been considering the cage* How are we going to get it inside?

They turn to look at him.

Kain: *from his vantage point* Hate to admit it, but he's got a point there.

Lupa: What?

Raziel: Melchiah could phase through the bars. This demon can't.

Rat: *still absently swinging the lever* So far as we know.

Raziel: *acknowledging* So far as we know, yes.

Vladimir: Oh, hell.

Kain: *who has been listening intently* No time. It's coming.

The demon squeezes itself through the archway, shucking portcullis spikes like toothpicks. It draws itself up to its full height and bellows angrily. The two vampires spring forward, claws raised, to attack –

Kain: *grabbing Raziel's arm as he is about to cast a glyph* Wait wait wait.

Raziel: *struggling* No! This mother's going down.

Kain: *somewhat perplexingly* But that's the point. Mother.

Lupa: *massaging her brow* Please don't tell me that's your granny, Raz.

Vladimir: Ack! Kain, you have no taste.

Kain marches forward and waves up at the demon, who regards him with a great deal of suspicion.

Kain: Mary-Sue? Is that you?

Vladimir: *not coming down from his ledge* That's a demon called Mary-Sue?

Rat: *incredulously* That's a girl?

Lupa: *long-suffering* Well that has to be the oldest joke in the book.

Vladimir: Yeah, the really huge ugly monster turns out to be a sweet little girly. *He looks at Lupa pointedly and grins* Because that never happens, does it, Lupa my love?

Lupa: Go suck a cheese straw, fuzz-face.

Rat: *backing her up* Yeah, no-one calls Lupa a girly and gets away with it.

The demon rumbles something in an ugly dialect. Kain laughs, and replies.

Lupa: *to Raziel* What'd he say?

Raziel: *shrugs* I have no idea. I never learnt Ugly Drooling Demon-Speak at school.

Lupa: Huh.

Raziel: It was a choice between learning a foreign language and taking extra classes in oppressing the peasantry. I wanted to improve my people skills.

The demon and Kain are engaged in deep conversation. Kurt leans against the wall and checks his watch, getting bored now that the threat of certain death seems to have passed. Rat joins Vladimir on his ledge.

Lupa: *to pass the time* What else did you do at school?

Raziel: I was the undisputed leader of all my class-mates. Apart from Dumah who I had to beat up behind the weapons shed. Why? What did you do?

Lupa: Drank a lot of caffeine-based fizzy and tried to avoid phys. ed.

The demon stumps up behind Raziel and slobbers genially on his shoulder.

Raziel: Ugh!

Kain: Raziel, I'd like you to meet your second cousin Mary-Sue.

Raziel: *wiping demon goop from his wings* I'd like to say I'm charmed. But judging on the current situation I'll have to settle for sticky.

The demon coos something in its own language.

Lupa: That sounded suggestive.

Kurt: How could you tell?

Lupa: I've been a master of the suggestive comment since I was ten. I know a dubious tone when I hear one.

Kurt: *raises an eyebrow* Really? Okay…Ich möchte ein Stuck Kuchen und eine Biere. ("I would like a piece of cake and a beer" – V.A's terrible high-school german, 'scuse spelling!!!)

Lupa: *smacks him* Dirty thing.

Vladimir: But he only said….

Lupa: Perverts, both of you.

Kurt: *rubbing his head ruefully, to Kain* Keep away from her. She's crazy.

Kain: *arrogantly* Don't worry about me, blue devil person. She cannot touch me.

Lupa, in passing, flicks him in the temple.

Kain: Ow! Infernal woman…

Vladimir: Now you see what we have to put up with…OW!

Raziel, in the meantime, is trying to extricate himself from the clutches of his new-found family member.

Raziel: *trying to dodge eager tentacles, hopping from one hoof to the other* No, honestly. I can't come to the next family reunion. I'm feeling affronted. You never came to my funeral. Yes. I'm dead. No, I just haven't stopped moving yet.

He manages to catch Kain's eye.

Raziel: *slapping at a questing antenna* Any idea how we can get dear cousin Drool back to her home dimension?

Kain: Why would we want to? This is too much fun to watch.

*yawns* Okay…I admit to needing sleep now. ^_^