The Bananas of Wrath
By Mage Without A Face
It seemed like another normal year at Hogwarts for Ron, Hermione and the kid with the glasses and the scar that is hardly mentioned. However, all that is about to change. One member of the food group has gone cuckoo, and it's taking other's down with it. This fic includes Bananas, Asians Riding Tricycles, Draco in a Dress, Banana-Lovign Cheerleaders (Meant exactly as it sounds, but not as you think) and, horror of horrors, no Fanon!Draco! Whatever shall we do? Simple, we dance! Chapter 2- I Shouldn't Have Wrote This
With tears in his eyes, Harry ran down to Dumbledore's office. "Cho- Cho train, why did this have to happen to you?" he thought silently to himself.
"Harry, what's the matter? I heard thinking noises," asked Neville Longbottom, who appeared out of nowhere.
"Move over!" yelled Harry, pushing Neville to the side.
"No Harry! I can't let you see Dumbledore," said Neville. "I'll-I'll fight you!" he said, putting his fists up.
"I am so sorry Neville," said Hermione, who appeared to have appeared (Holy Redundancy, Batman) out of nowhere. "Petrificus Totalus!" Neville's body snapped together and he fell to the floor, petrified.
"You're scary Hermione," said a Ron who appeared to have appeared (getting tired yet?) to come out of nowhere. "Brilliant, but scary!"
"How the hell did you get here?" asked Harry.
"We rode a plot bunny!" said Hermione in the matter-of-factly way that Canon!Hermione does.
May I pause the fic for one moment to bring out the BOW Cheerleaders. "Aparecium Annoy!" said the author, holding his wand (shut up) in mid-air. Just then, five blonde-haired, blue eyed, generic teenagers appeared, each with pom-poms of yellow and pink (because pink and yellow go together, darling!). The cheerleaders broke out into an annoying song and dance number.
"Go Canon! Go Canon! It's your birthday, no it isn't! Go, go!" chanted the cheerleaders. They then fell into a gigantic plothole, screaming in a maniacal way as they did.
And now, back to the story.
"Here, Snowy!" called Ron. A giant bunny appeared out of nowhere. Ron and Hermione boarded a pretty pink saddle on the bunny's back.
"Care to get on, Harry?" asked Ron.
"Can it take me to Dumbledore's office?" asked Harry.
"Sure, come on!" said Hermione. Harry boarded the rabbit with a look of total joy on his face. What started as a weird smirk broke out into a full-faced Daniel Radcliff smile.
In a flash, the bunny appeared at Dumbledore's office. "See ya guys!" yelled Harry to his friends.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Hermione.
"Um." said Harry.
"Well?" said Hermione impatiently.
"Well what?" asked Harry. Hermione's face grew really big like what happens in animes right before the characters yell.
"You forgot to thank the bunny for its services!" yelled Hermione.
"I am not thanking the bunny-
"Thank the bunny!" Hermione interrupted. "Thank the bunny!"
"But it can't even understand me." Said Harry.
"Harry, just thank the bunny so we can get on with this fic?" asked Ron.
"Fine. Thank you bunny!" said Harry. Hermione seized the jaws of the bunny and moved them up and down.
"Don't mention it." Hermione said in a high-pitched, squeaky voice.
"Hermione, we saw you move his mouth!" said Harry.
"No you didn't" said Hermione.
"Yes we did!" yelled Harry.
"You guys are so hurtful!" shouted Hermione.
"But I didn't do anything!" insisted Ron.
"You especially!" yelled Hermione, kicking Ron square in the love- jewels. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed before you come up with another clever idea to get us killed, or worse, expelled!" Hermione boarded the bunny and flew away.
"She needs to sort out her priorities!" said Ron, running in the direction of the Great Hall.
Harry was in front of Dumbledore's office. Somehow, he knew the password to get in. He had to be inconspicuous, so that all the other fifty people in the room didn't see him enter the office.
"What's the password?" came a voice from.
"Oh, Henry!" whispered Harry. That had been Dumbledore's new favorite candy bar.
"I'm sorry." Came the voice again. "But could you repeat that?"
"Oh, Henry!" whispered Harry a little louder.
"No, didn't hear you that time. Perhaps a little louder." Demanded the voice.
"Oh, Henry!" said Harry in his normal speaking voice.
"Please, you're wasting my time. A little louder!" demanded the voice.
"Oh, Henry!" yelled Harry. He was clearly pissed. "Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh fucking Henry!" All the people in the room were staring at him in silence, tears swelling in their eyes and crooked smiles on their faces. When Harry disappeared into the darkness of Dumbledore's office, he heard the room erupt in a roaring laugh.
Dumbledore sat down at his desk, twiddling his thumbs waiting for Harry.
"Harry, I have come across something incredibly startling!" said Dumbledore.
"So have I!" said Harry. "Me first, me first!" said Harry anxiously.
"Okay, what have you found?" asked Dumbledore.
"I know how the children are dying!" said Harry in an excited tone of voice.
"Children, you mean there is more than one that is dead?" asked Dumbledore monotonously.
"Yes." Harry's voice then changed from excited to sad. "Cho Chang is dead. Do you know who she is?"
"Yes!" yelled Dumbledore with vehemence. "How could you not know who she is. She stands out amongst you flock of children."
"Why, because she is so beautiful?" asked Harry, getting all googly- eyed.
"No." said Dumbledore. "Because she is the only Asian at this school. Now Harry, I will announce this at dinner tonight. Please, do not tell anybody else."
"Okay." lied Harry.
"Now let me tell you what I found out!" shouted Dumbledore. Nonchalantly, Harry walked out of Dumbledore's office. Outside of his office, he found everyone's favorite BFG (big friendly giant), Hagrid, eating a snozzcumber.
"Hagrid!" yelled Harry.
"Hello, Harry! I shouldn't have said that." said Hagrid.
"Shouldn't have said what?" asked Harry.
"That. I shouldn't have said that!" demanded Harry. "Anyway, have you seen my giant rabbit?"
"Um, the one Hermione and Ron are riding around?" said Harry.
"Yeah that one." said Hagrid. "Hermione's been acting weird lately, taking my rabbit. See, here's how she took it."
~~~~~~ Flashback ~~~~~~ (Ooh, pretty sixties colors!)
"G'day Hermione!" said Hagrid to the bushy-haired girl approaching his hut.
"I'm not Hermione!" said Hermione in a weird Indian accent.
"No?" laughed Hagrid. "Well then, who are ye?"
"I'm Ms.Nahasapeemapetlan!" said Hermione in a weird Indian accent.
"Ms. Wha?" asked Hagrid.
"Ms. Neheespamamapoo! Do I need to repeat myself again?" asked Hermione in the same accent.
"Yes, please do." Said Hagrid.
"I am Ms.Smith!" said Hermione, dropping her Indian accent.
"But you said something different those other times!" said Hagrid.
"No I didn't!" said the quote-unquote Ms.Smith.
"Yes you did. Anyway, why have ye come to my humble hut?" asked Hagrid.
"Dumbledore said that you caught yourself a plot bunny. Is that true?" asked Hermione.
"I caught myself a bunny, but what the hell is a plot bunny?" asked Hagrid.
"May I see the plot bunny?" asked Hermione.
"Sure, but it's not a plot bunny. It's called a Jonopoa." said Hagrid. He took Hermione to the back of his hut where a bunny was tied down with about six or seven ropes. "Isn't it cute?" asked Hagrid.
"Yeah, cute." said Hermione, dismissing Hagrid's last statement. Hermione pulled out a dagger from underneath her robes.
"Hermione, what are you doing?" asked a shocked Hagrid.
"Be free, plot bunny, free!" yelled Hermione, cutting the bunny loose.
"Hermione, what do you think you are doing?" demanded Hagrid.
"Onward tortured creature. Onward to freedom, to destiny!" said Hermione in a generic movie voice.
"Hermione, these creatures are bred in captivity!" yelled Hagrid.
"I will name you Snowy!" yelled Hermione. "I love you Snowy!" she said, hugging the rabbit's neck. She seized the rabbit's jaws and moved them up and down. "I love you to Hermione!" Hermione said in a high-pitched voice.
"Hermione, you can't be serious!" shouted Hagrid in astonishment.
"Onward, noble steed! Hia! Hia!" yelled Hermione. She flew away, riding on top of the bunny.
~~~~~ Flash Forward ~~~~~ (That was far-out, man!)
"The weird thing is, bunnies can't fly!" said Hagrid to a bored, decaying Harry.
"Can I go now?" asked Harry.
"Sure! I shouldn't have said that." Said Hagrid as Harry ran away to the great Hall frantically. He found Ron and Hermione, sitting down conveniently with an empty seat between them.
"Hello Harry!" said Ron.
"Hi Ron." He said. He turned to Hermione. "Hagrid wants his rabbit back."
"Not without a fight, he doesn't!" said Hermione in an angry Irish accent.
"Okey-dokey then." said Harry. "Anyway, I knew how the people are dying, because another one is dead."
"Really? Who?" asked Hermione.
"Cho is dead," said Harry, tears swelling up in his eyes. Hermione smirked but then, as quickly as possible, forced her smile out of her face. She pulled out a notepad and black magic marker and crossed out the phrase "Harry/Cho."
"Yes, Cho is dead. She slipped on a banana peel," whispered Harry. Just as Harry said that, thunder crackled, owls hooted madly, and all the children screamed. "Banana peel!" Harry yelled. Thunder crackled, owls hooted madly and all the children screamed, exactly like the last time. "Hm, I have to remember that." thought Harry.
"Children, I have an announcement to make." said Dumbledore. "Miss Cho Chang is dead. Because of this, Hogwarts has now been changed its motto to 'We're generic, we know it, we wave our white asses we show it!' Thank you." Dumbledore sat back down.
"Children!" McGongall stood up. "Watch out for." she took a long pause, as all the actors did in the movie to make things seem more dramatic than they were, "banana peels!" Thunder crackled, horses neighed and all the children screamed.
After dinner, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Seamus and Dean started chatting outside.
Whew, REVIEW! Ha, that rhymed!
It seemed like another normal year at Hogwarts for Ron, Hermione and the kid with the glasses and the scar that is hardly mentioned. However, all that is about to change. One member of the food group has gone cuckoo, and it's taking other's down with it. This fic includes Bananas, Asians Riding Tricycles, Draco in a Dress, Banana-Lovign Cheerleaders (Meant exactly as it sounds, but not as you think) and, horror of horrors, no Fanon!Draco! Whatever shall we do? Simple, we dance! Chapter 2- I Shouldn't Have Wrote This
With tears in his eyes, Harry ran down to Dumbledore's office. "Cho- Cho train, why did this have to happen to you?" he thought silently to himself.
"Harry, what's the matter? I heard thinking noises," asked Neville Longbottom, who appeared out of nowhere.
"Move over!" yelled Harry, pushing Neville to the side.
"No Harry! I can't let you see Dumbledore," said Neville. "I'll-I'll fight you!" he said, putting his fists up.
"I am so sorry Neville," said Hermione, who appeared to have appeared (Holy Redundancy, Batman) out of nowhere. "Petrificus Totalus!" Neville's body snapped together and he fell to the floor, petrified.
"You're scary Hermione," said a Ron who appeared to have appeared (getting tired yet?) to come out of nowhere. "Brilliant, but scary!"
"How the hell did you get here?" asked Harry.
"We rode a plot bunny!" said Hermione in the matter-of-factly way that Canon!Hermione does.
May I pause the fic for one moment to bring out the BOW Cheerleaders. "Aparecium Annoy!" said the author, holding his wand (shut up) in mid-air. Just then, five blonde-haired, blue eyed, generic teenagers appeared, each with pom-poms of yellow and pink (because pink and yellow go together, darling!). The cheerleaders broke out into an annoying song and dance number.
"Go Canon! Go Canon! It's your birthday, no it isn't! Go, go!" chanted the cheerleaders. They then fell into a gigantic plothole, screaming in a maniacal way as they did.
And now, back to the story.
"Here, Snowy!" called Ron. A giant bunny appeared out of nowhere. Ron and Hermione boarded a pretty pink saddle on the bunny's back.
"Care to get on, Harry?" asked Ron.
"Can it take me to Dumbledore's office?" asked Harry.
"Sure, come on!" said Hermione. Harry boarded the rabbit with a look of total joy on his face. What started as a weird smirk broke out into a full-faced Daniel Radcliff smile.
In a flash, the bunny appeared at Dumbledore's office. "See ya guys!" yelled Harry to his friends.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Hermione.
"Um." said Harry.
"Well?" said Hermione impatiently.
"Well what?" asked Harry. Hermione's face grew really big like what happens in animes right before the characters yell.
"You forgot to thank the bunny for its services!" yelled Hermione.
"I am not thanking the bunny-
"Thank the bunny!" Hermione interrupted. "Thank the bunny!"
"But it can't even understand me." Said Harry.
"Harry, just thank the bunny so we can get on with this fic?" asked Ron.
"Fine. Thank you bunny!" said Harry. Hermione seized the jaws of the bunny and moved them up and down.
"Don't mention it." Hermione said in a high-pitched, squeaky voice.
"Hermione, we saw you move his mouth!" said Harry.
"No you didn't" said Hermione.
"Yes we did!" yelled Harry.
"You guys are so hurtful!" shouted Hermione.
"But I didn't do anything!" insisted Ron.
"You especially!" yelled Hermione, kicking Ron square in the love- jewels. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed before you come up with another clever idea to get us killed, or worse, expelled!" Hermione boarded the bunny and flew away.
"She needs to sort out her priorities!" said Ron, running in the direction of the Great Hall.
Harry was in front of Dumbledore's office. Somehow, he knew the password to get in. He had to be inconspicuous, so that all the other fifty people in the room didn't see him enter the office.
"What's the password?" came a voice from.
"Oh, Henry!" whispered Harry. That had been Dumbledore's new favorite candy bar.
"I'm sorry." Came the voice again. "But could you repeat that?"
"Oh, Henry!" whispered Harry a little louder.
"No, didn't hear you that time. Perhaps a little louder." Demanded the voice.
"Oh, Henry!" said Harry in his normal speaking voice.
"Please, you're wasting my time. A little louder!" demanded the voice.
"Oh, Henry!" yelled Harry. He was clearly pissed. "Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh, Henry! Oh fucking Henry!" All the people in the room were staring at him in silence, tears swelling in their eyes and crooked smiles on their faces. When Harry disappeared into the darkness of Dumbledore's office, he heard the room erupt in a roaring laugh.
Dumbledore sat down at his desk, twiddling his thumbs waiting for Harry.
"Harry, I have come across something incredibly startling!" said Dumbledore.
"So have I!" said Harry. "Me first, me first!" said Harry anxiously.
"Okay, what have you found?" asked Dumbledore.
"I know how the children are dying!" said Harry in an excited tone of voice.
"Children, you mean there is more than one that is dead?" asked Dumbledore monotonously.
"Yes." Harry's voice then changed from excited to sad. "Cho Chang is dead. Do you know who she is?"
"Yes!" yelled Dumbledore with vehemence. "How could you not know who she is. She stands out amongst you flock of children."
"Why, because she is so beautiful?" asked Harry, getting all googly- eyed.
"No." said Dumbledore. "Because she is the only Asian at this school. Now Harry, I will announce this at dinner tonight. Please, do not tell anybody else."
"Okay." lied Harry.
"Now let me tell you what I found out!" shouted Dumbledore. Nonchalantly, Harry walked out of Dumbledore's office. Outside of his office, he found everyone's favorite BFG (big friendly giant), Hagrid, eating a snozzcumber.
"Hagrid!" yelled Harry.
"Hello, Harry! I shouldn't have said that." said Hagrid.
"Shouldn't have said what?" asked Harry.
"That. I shouldn't have said that!" demanded Harry. "Anyway, have you seen my giant rabbit?"
"Um, the one Hermione and Ron are riding around?" said Harry.
"Yeah that one." said Hagrid. "Hermione's been acting weird lately, taking my rabbit. See, here's how she took it."
~~~~~~ Flashback ~~~~~~ (Ooh, pretty sixties colors!)
"G'day Hermione!" said Hagrid to the bushy-haired girl approaching his hut.
"I'm not Hermione!" said Hermione in a weird Indian accent.
"No?" laughed Hagrid. "Well then, who are ye?"
"I'm Ms.Nahasapeemapetlan!" said Hermione in a weird Indian accent.
"Ms. Wha?" asked Hagrid.
"Ms. Neheespamamapoo! Do I need to repeat myself again?" asked Hermione in the same accent.
"Yes, please do." Said Hagrid.
"I am Ms.Smith!" said Hermione, dropping her Indian accent.
"But you said something different those other times!" said Hagrid.
"No I didn't!" said the quote-unquote Ms.Smith.
"Yes you did. Anyway, why have ye come to my humble hut?" asked Hagrid.
"Dumbledore said that you caught yourself a plot bunny. Is that true?" asked Hermione.
"I caught myself a bunny, but what the hell is a plot bunny?" asked Hagrid.
"May I see the plot bunny?" asked Hermione.
"Sure, but it's not a plot bunny. It's called a Jonopoa." said Hagrid. He took Hermione to the back of his hut where a bunny was tied down with about six or seven ropes. "Isn't it cute?" asked Hagrid.
"Yeah, cute." said Hermione, dismissing Hagrid's last statement. Hermione pulled out a dagger from underneath her robes.
"Hermione, what are you doing?" asked a shocked Hagrid.
"Be free, plot bunny, free!" yelled Hermione, cutting the bunny loose.
"Hermione, what do you think you are doing?" demanded Hagrid.
"Onward tortured creature. Onward to freedom, to destiny!" said Hermione in a generic movie voice.
"Hermione, these creatures are bred in captivity!" yelled Hagrid.
"I will name you Snowy!" yelled Hermione. "I love you Snowy!" she said, hugging the rabbit's neck. She seized the rabbit's jaws and moved them up and down. "I love you to Hermione!" Hermione said in a high-pitched voice.
"Hermione, you can't be serious!" shouted Hagrid in astonishment.
"Onward, noble steed! Hia! Hia!" yelled Hermione. She flew away, riding on top of the bunny.
~~~~~ Flash Forward ~~~~~ (That was far-out, man!)
"The weird thing is, bunnies can't fly!" said Hagrid to a bored, decaying Harry.
"Can I go now?" asked Harry.
"Sure! I shouldn't have said that." Said Hagrid as Harry ran away to the great Hall frantically. He found Ron and Hermione, sitting down conveniently with an empty seat between them.
"Hello Harry!" said Ron.
"Hi Ron." He said. He turned to Hermione. "Hagrid wants his rabbit back."
"Not without a fight, he doesn't!" said Hermione in an angry Irish accent.
"Okey-dokey then." said Harry. "Anyway, I knew how the people are dying, because another one is dead."
"Really? Who?" asked Hermione.
"Cho is dead," said Harry, tears swelling up in his eyes. Hermione smirked but then, as quickly as possible, forced her smile out of her face. She pulled out a notepad and black magic marker and crossed out the phrase "Harry/Cho."
"Yes, Cho is dead. She slipped on a banana peel," whispered Harry. Just as Harry said that, thunder crackled, owls hooted madly, and all the children screamed. "Banana peel!" Harry yelled. Thunder crackled, owls hooted madly and all the children screamed, exactly like the last time. "Hm, I have to remember that." thought Harry.
"Children, I have an announcement to make." said Dumbledore. "Miss Cho Chang is dead. Because of this, Hogwarts has now been changed its motto to 'We're generic, we know it, we wave our white asses we show it!' Thank you." Dumbledore sat back down.
"Children!" McGongall stood up. "Watch out for." she took a long pause, as all the actors did in the movie to make things seem more dramatic than they were, "banana peels!" Thunder crackled, horses neighed and all the children screamed.
After dinner, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Seamus and Dean started chatting outside.
Whew, REVIEW! Ha, that rhymed!