No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
"Merde, Sacre Bleu, dis is not happening, no Remy not a scratching post, no not more of dis rubbing against me. Please Remy can't take it any more," pleaded Remy.
"Purr, purr, purr, catnip, purr, love catnip, purr, purr, like Remy too, Remy kitty's friend, purr, purr, purr," rumbled Sabretooth as he rubbed his head against Remy's chest nearly breaking his ribs. An over affectionate and friendly Creed was just as lethal as the usual savage, bloodthirsty feral. He'd already sharpened his claws on Remy's arm, drawing rivulets of blood and when he snuggled up against him he very nearly smothered the poor Cajun.
"Remy sugah ah'm here tah rescue yah, sorry it took me so long," came the sweet southern drawl which had never been more welcome to Remy's ears.
"Meow kitty play with new friend, purr, purr," called Sabretooth eagerly bounding up to Rogue. He rather foolishly rubbed his head against her face and as a result his energy was drained and he took unexpected catnip. Rogue shook herself thankful that Creed's usual personality was suppressed; it was much easier to fight off the kitty feelings although she did have a sudden craving for some tuna and a bowl of milk. Shaking her head she went over and easily broke the Cajun's bonds, cradling him tenderly in her arms and setting him gently down on the ground.
"Who in tarnation did this tah yah sugah?"
"B-b-beast," whispered Remy before passing out.
"Ah've had it with Hank on his sugah high and his pranks, ah'm going tah make him wish he'd never been born," shrieked Rogue picking up the unconscious Creed and Remy and flying to her room. Unfortunately she'd jumped to conclusions and blamed the wrong Beast.
As for the Dark Beast, the real perpetrator of Remy's woes he was still looking for the Twinkies having found none in the lab. Well it just looked as though he'd have to find another X-Man and 'persuade' them to show him where the Twinkies were. He smiled toothily to himself as his twisted mind thought up yet more devious and diabolical tortures he could inflict on an unsuspecting victim. Maybe he'd force his victim to listen to his rendition of "I am the very model of a modern major general" which usually had them begging for mercy within the first stanza. His pointed ears pricked as he heard a very unusual sound indeed, Wolverine whimpering, what could possibly have happened except maybe a shopping marathon with Jubilee to get the feral so terrified. Dark Beast peered through the open Danger Room door and his yellow eyes went wide with shock.
"Well curse my stars and garters,"
Logan was now being held down by the X-Babies while a grinning Sinister X-Baby got a pair of scissors and began to cut off the feral's muttonchops. McCoy stroked his own sideburns subconsciously and winced in sympathy. It looked as though worse was to come as well since Snaggletooth was clutching a bottle of Nair and the Holocaust and Sugar Man X-Babies were just slipping off Logan's boots while the Dark Beast X-Baby was clutching a large feather and cackling with glee.
"Now if I rescue Logan from this dreadful fate he should feel honor bound to provide me some assistance in return," muttered McCoy scratching his chin thoughtfully.
He grinned and then charged into the room snarling and showing his fangs in a savage grin, claws extended. The X-Babies looked up at what was apparently a rabid werewolf or a berserk Sasquatch and shrieked in terror before scattering in all directions. All except for Misty Q who was looking up at McCoy having found her latest crush and the little Dark Beast who was looking at McCoy with something akin to awe. Dark Beast sighed and went over to Logan.
"Now Logan I expect you'll be grateful for, what the heck!" gulped Dark Beast as Logan snarled and then popped out his claws placing them at McCoy's tender throat.
"What are ya doing here shaggy, nothing good I expect so yer in fer a taste of adamantium," he growled.
"Please I beg of you let me live, I surrender, have mercy, spare me, quarter, I yield," whined McCoy. He was an intelligent villain and well versed in begging for mercy, usually all you needed to dissuade an angry hero from killing you. He dropped to his knees and looked at Logan beseechingly.
"I did just save your life you know, I could have left you to them," he muttered. Then he breathed a sigh of relief as the claws were retracted.
"Yeah yer right about that so ya get ta live. Now why don't ya tell me what yer doing here before I change my mind and pop a claw through yer brain or something?" growled Logan still angry.
McCoy gave one his practiced innocent smiles and shrugged his furry shoulders before launching into a long drawn out monologue designed to lull his listeners into an advanced state of fatigue and boredom. Finally as he saw those fierce hazel eyes begin to glaze over, he finally got to the point and mentioned the Twinkies.
"So why don't you come and help me find them Logan since I did save your life and this way as well you could make sure I don't cause any more trouble," he concluded with a wide fang-filled grin and a friendly pat on the back.
"Yeah whatever," growled Logan with a heavy sigh nodding his agreement.
McCoy waited until Logan's back was turned before allowing himself a triumphant smirk.
"What do we have here, a pint sized Wolverine and the beautiful Storm, well you shall be no match for me, Emma Frost, White Queen of the Hellfire Club,"
Little Wolvie's eyes went quite wide and Ororo hastily interposed herself in front of the X-Baby as she really didn't think the sight of Jubilee in what appeared to be some of Jean Grey's riskier lingerie was suitable for his eyes. It also seemed that Jubilee had borrowed some of Jean's hair dye since her black hair was now blonde.
"I see the little one fears me," cooed Jubilee/Emma Frost.
"This ain't fear, this is anticipation darlin," called the little Wolvie earning him a clip round the ear by Ororo.
"Jubilation Lee go to your room at once and by the Goddess put some clothes on," said Storm in her most commanding tones sending a small lightning bolt after Jubilee.
"Aw why did ya have ta go and do that," moaned Wolvie.
"Because little one if you're anything like my Logan, I know you too well," sighed Ororo.
Then Jubilee came back this time wearing more clothes, although red leather was still rather risqué and her hair was still dyed blonde.
"Well Storm care to fight your old foe Candra again?"
"By the goddess, give me strength!" groaned Ororo as a localized rainstorm took shaped around her.
"Help somebody let me out of here, please I'm begging you let me out," cried Scott.
"Don't worry I'll get you with old Betsy," called Bishop as he rushed into the room having heard Scott's frantic cries for help.
"No wait," protested Scott knowing Bishops tendency to get a little carried away when it came to guns but too late.
Rogue had tucked Remy into his bed and was now looking for Hank and Bobby with the still unconscious Creed slung over her shoulder. Flying swiftly down the corridors she soon came across the pair as they were heading towards the Danger Room. Calling to get their attention she then flung the hefty bulk of Sabretooth straight at them.
"Warning, incoming ballistic feral, dive for cover, dive for cover," yelped Hank dodging aside just in time.
"Oh man," groaned Bobby as Creed landed heavily on top of him pinning him to the floor. Creed yawned and blinked once or twice before awakening. Looking down at the trapped Bobby he grinned goofily, purred and began rubbing against Iceman.
"Purr, purr, meow, kitty want milk," begged a hopeful feral.
"Ah'm going tah kick yah furry blue butt into the middle of next week for what yah did tah Remy," snarled Rogue.
"Is this about the hair dye incident because I apologize unreservedly for that ma'am," gulped Hank bounding around and frantically trying to dodge Rogue's punches.
"No ah'm talking about chaining mah poor Remy tah the basketball post and covering him all over with catnip for Creed tah come and use him as a scratching post. Now why don't yah stand still sugah and take yah punishment like a man."
"I'm a furry blue gorilla so sorry but no. Honestly though you've got the wrong Beast."
"Remy said the word "Beast" just before he passed out sugah, ah don't think he was mistaken," snapped Rogue finally managing to grab Hank by the scruff of the neck.
"Wait chere, dat de wrong Beast you got there," called Remy as he dashed down the corridor.
Rogue stopped as Remy told her about the appearance of Hank's evil twin and she then looked around at the damage she'd caused, massive holes had been punched in the walls, a rare Ming vase demolished and worst of all she'd gotten plaster dust on her jacket. Shaking her head she set Hank down relatively gently and decided that she and Remy would be as well to just leave the insanity the mansion. First she turned to Hank and poked a gloved finger in his furry chest.
"Just make sure y'all stay out of trouble sugahs,"
Turning to Remy she gave him a dazzling smile.
"How about we go tah that nice restaurant yah promised tah take me to for dinner," she said with a smile.
"Dat is an excellent idea chere."
As they set off hand in hand Hank picked Creed gently up and managed to shove him away from Bobby who then iced up the corridor. Another shove sent Creed sliding along and straight into the kitchen where he found and ate a whole chicken, three tins of cat food, and a trifle, a string of sausages, a tin of baked beans and two packets of digestive biscuits washed down by gallons of milk. Purring contentedly after his gourmet meal he curled up under the table and went to sleep.
"Oh Hank, I just know I'm never going to be able to look at cats quite the same way again. Oh man I'm like totally wasted," moaned Bobby bursting into tears.
Hank wrapped his long powerful arms around Bobby in a gentle hug, holding him to his chest to comfort him, letting Bobby bury his face in his furry shoulder. Blue eyes twinkled as Hank came up with the perfect plan.
"Stars and garters, I know just the thing that will cheer you up!"