Disclaimer: Squaresoft and whoever else has legal claim own FF8 and its characters. This story was written for entertainment only and I gain no profit from it.

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Squall is sitting at his overly full desk. He knows he should do something about the fact that everything is piling up on his desk, but right now he is thinking about other things. He is wearing his leather trousers and white tank top, his coat is resting on the back of his chair. He is resting his head on his clasped hands, his chocolate hair is all slowly falling forward, obscuring his face.

'It scares me; it scares me so much. I'm not sure how to let her in. I'm scared that if I do she will hurt me. Not intentionally but accidentally and I couldn't take that. I'm scared of intimacy, I've found it hard all my life and it just seems so hard right now.'

'I care so much for Rinoa. I care so much it scares me; I don't know how to act. I don't want to scare her off, but I also don't want to let her get to close and hurt me. I want to get to know her better before I let her in. but I'm scared I'll take to long and she'll leave.'

He lifts his head, only his hair doesn't move from his face. He takes his hand and pulls his hair back, sweeping his hand over the top of his head. When he reaches the back of his head he leaves his hand there for a few minutes, holding his hair out the way.

'I don't know what to do, and I don't know how or who to ask for help. Irvine is so confident with women, and Zell just doesn't seem to understand. I don't want to ask for help though; I've always sorted my problems on my own. But this one is harder to sort. I'm not sure how she feels. I've not really been paying attention to how she is acting towards me. I should pay more attention but I can't help it. There always seems to be something that requires my attention.'

He lets go of his hair and slowly rises from his chair, and turns round to look out the big bay windows that are behind him. He sees the same red, setting sun that Rinoa was looking at, sees the beauty of the red landscape around Garden and takes a moment to admire the beauty of the area they are travelling over.

'I need to sort out some time to talk to her; on my own. I don't want an audience, as that would just be embarrassing for me. I can't bear other people to hear my personal things.'

'I want to go to her dorm, talk to her, but I don't want to disturb her. She may not want to speak to me. I keep shutting her out, but this is how I cope. I can't get close to her. I can't trust her; I can't trust myself not to hurt her.'

'I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to love her; don't know how to be the person she wants me to be. I don't know how to act in public round her so I shut her out of my mind. I act on auto pilot so that I don't get distracted and make mistakes. A commander can't afford to make mistakes.'

'I have to look after the whole Garden. I can't just pay attention to Rinoa. If I do I may make mistakes and that can cost lives. I can't afford to let that happen. I wish Cid had never made me commander. I prefer being in the shadows, not thrust into the lime light. I have to make decisions on what we will do in times of crisis, yet really I have no idea. I am guessing my way through things. And I find thinking about Rinoa clouds my judgements, makes me make mistakes.'

'I know I care for her. I must; as I went all the way to Esthar to rescue her from the Sorceresses Memorial. I couldn't bear the thought of her being stuck frozen in time until someone comes up with an idea to make it safe for her to walk the earth with us again. I can't bear the thought of her being possessed and not being able to control herself; but saying that I can't bear the idea of her being frozen in space. Like Adel was. And then being fought by SeeD. Possibly me.'

'How could I live with myself if I killed her? If Lionheart were to pierce her heart, kill her, I couldn't live with myself. It would feel like my fault for not finding a cure for her. Not that she is ill or anything. I just can't put it into words.'

'How can I tell her how I feel? I can't face how I feel so how can I tell her? I'm scared of how I feel. How deeply I feel it. I can't face it. It scares me too much. I can't tell her this as I'm her knight. Aren't knights meant to be strong? Well how can I be her knight if I'm not strong? If I can't protect her? I don't know what to do, what to say, how to say it. I'm scared of her reactions, scared about how I'll react to her reactions. Will she be mad or will she be calm? Will I get mad? How can Irvine be so confident with women? I can't understand it. Is it that he understands them and I don't? Or is it that he is just easier to approach?'

'Hyne! Why do people always know on my door when I'm deep in though. When I have far too much to think about to be worrying about others problems.'

'Ok, ok, give me two minutes to sort myself out, just stop knocking.'

'For pities sake' "Ok, come in already."

He doesn't move from the window, just stays looking out it. He sees Irvine's reflection in the window so doesn't need to look round.


"What do you want Irvine?"

'Oh why did it have to be you who want to talk to me? I know I need to talk but why you and why now?'

Irvine looks mildly surprised about the fact that Squall knew it was him, until he realises that there is a reflection of him in the window.

"You may not be able to admit it Squall but you are hurting Rinoa and yourself. You need to talk to one of us. I guess I took it onto myself for it to be me."

"I'm fine really. We're both fine."

'Is it really that obvious? To everyone else that I may need help. I can't admit it to myself so how am I meant to talk to you about it?'

"Squall, for once in your life, admit you need some help. You can't do everything on your own no matter how hard you try."

"I don't want to depend on anyone, as in the end you are on your own. You can't depend on anyone. No one sticks around for long."

'I learnt that from Sis. One day she was there, the next she was gone. And I promised to her that I would manage on my own. I really can't break that promise.'

"Squall, don't you realise that us coming together again means that no matter what happens we will always find one another again? Fate has a funny way of telling us that we can depend on each other. We will always be together, or never far apart. You can trust me. I only want to help you and Rinoa. I can't stand to see you hurt both yourself and her. It's obvious to everyone that you both care for each other greatly. And also obvious that you both can't admit it to each other or yourselves. You need to talk both of you. Either to each other or to us. Just please stop hurting yourselves with this pointless torture. Just talk to us won't you. Get things of your chest, tell us how you feel. How you want to sort things out. How you feel. Just talk plea--"

Squall finally turns round to address Irvine.

"Alright already Irvine. I get the message. You want me to talk well there is nothing to talk about. I'm fine, as far as I'm aware Rinoa's fine. You want to talk, go talk to Selphie. She is always willing to talk to you."

"No Squall. I'm not moving until you talk to me and until all this is sorted out."

Irvine sits on the corner of Squall's desk, picking up some paper and looking at it. He settles himself as comfortably as he can on the desk, and then he settles himself and starts to read.

'Hyne can't you tell I'm not in the mood for this. I can't stand talking about my feelings. I try but I can't make people understand what I'm trying to say. I can't put into words what I feel. I can't explain. I can't talk about things. I prefer to think about it on my own, not explain things to others.'

Fifteen minutes pass as Squall thinks and Irvine reads, slowly getting more and more bored.

"Well I'm waiting Squall."

'I can't think what to say. I can't think how to put this into words. Oh well this is my best shot I guess. He won't leave until I talk to him.'

"……………"

"Well Squall?"

'I can't think how to put it into words. What am I meant to say, how am I meant to start?'

"Fine. I'll try and explain. But I'm not good with words. I can't explain things very well."

"It doesn't matter Squall. Just talk. I'll try understand. But I won't interrupt you. Just keep talking, get it off your chest and I'll try help."

"If you're going to stay, you might as well sit down." Irvine moves some piles of stuff and perches on the edge of the desk. Squall sits on his chair again, and looks at the floor. "I don't know where to start. I like Rinoa. I know I do. I care deeply but I don't know how to tell her this. I'm scared that if I do say something that she will hate me. Will leave me; will leave the Garden. I don't want to walk the halls of Garden and not see her coming round the corner, grinning at us. I can't bear that thought. I want to see her. I want to be with her everyday. I want her to be the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see at night. I want to be with her. But I'm scared of her hurting me, or me hurting her. I'm scared..."

'Wow I said it. I can't believe I managed to admit, not only to myself, but to Irvine too. I'm scared. But now I'm no longer going to be seen as strong. I'll be seen as weak. I can't be her knight anymore. I can't be close to her. She needs someone that is strong, that won't let her down, and now that's not me. I'm not good enough for her. I've lost her now, lost her to someone else. My one true love and it's lost.'

"Squall, Squall it's ok. It's good that you can admit that you are scared. It is something that everyone finds hard. Don't worry about it. It doesn't mean that you aren't good enough for Rinoa."

'My God is this guy a mind reader?'

"On the contrary. It means that you are good enough for her. By being able to admit this it has made you stronger. You are more than worthy of the title Knight. Please Squall; keep going this is good that you are being so open with me."

'What choice do I have, you won't leave me alone until I talked to you. And in some ways this is good for me I guess. It is helping me I guess. Though I do hate to admit it. I prefer to sort things out on my own normally, but this is good, I almost like it.'

"Please Squall; continue."


Squall continues looking at the floor, afraid to meet Irvine's eyes.

"Ok, so I've admitted I'm afraid. Do you remember at the orphanage, I was destroyed when Sis left? It hurt me so much. I have been scared to depend on anyone since then. And admitting my feelings to Rinoa would mean that I'm depending on her, like I depended on Sis. And in the end that hurt me, and I don't want that to happen again. I couldn't take it. It is too much to bear. I was scared at the time; I was a loner at the orphanage and am still a loner. Since then I prefer not to depend on someone who will in the end leave me. I don't think I could take it a second time."

'So I've told you how I feel are you going to comment on this or are you going to leave. I want to be on my own, but now that I've told you I want your help. I want your opinion. I feel stupid sitting in this room with you and both of us not talking. You look so deep in thought. Please tell me what you think…'

"Please Irvine, I'm doing something that is hard for me now, please tell me what you are thinking. Please, help me. I won't beg but I will ask for your help. You are the person I trust the most out of everyone, the one I remember the best from the orphanage, how you were always there for me. I appreciate that. But still I won't beg for your help."

"Squall there is no need to beg. I would have given my help advice even if you hadn't asked as I'm your friend. I think both you and Rinoa need to talk; talk about how you both feel, as I'm sure she cares for you. Make sure you're alone at the time though, a crowd would just hinder things. Sometimes actions speak louder than words though. Take her out to a mean at the same time. That shows that you care, a meal alone, away from here. Talk then and try to sort things out. It may not be one of the most pleasant experiences but trust me in the end it will be for the best. You both need to talk. Think about things, but not for to long. You'll just talk yourself out of doing it. Just book the table and go and let things go on from there."

'That's actually really good advise. Wow I'm amazed Irvine, and I thought you were just a show off, but you really know your stuff thanks.'

Squall finally looks upwards and meets Irvine's eyes, obvious grateful from the look he gives Irvine.

"Thanks Irvine. That's really helped more than I can say. I'm most grateful. Really."

"That's ok; I'm always ready to help. I'll see myself out Squall, but act now get in and talk to her."

Irvine heads for the door, but just as he is about to leave he turns to look at Squall one last time, and flashes him a smile before he leaves.

'I think I will act on Irvine's advice. I'll ring the restaurant in Balamb once he's well and truly gone. I don't want everyone knowing where we are going. I know I should trust him, but I don't want everyone to be there 'by accident'; I want it to be just me and Rinoa… just me and Rinoa.'

Squall turns round in his swivel chair and looks out the window again, he rings the restaurant after 20 minutes and books a table for himself and a guest for 8pm Monday.

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