Willow was sitting at the dining room table when Buffy came home, fresh from another exciting day of working at the Doublemeat Palace, home of the Doublemeat Medley, which really didn't have any meat in it at all, a fact that would normally be a much-needed source of humor for the two women, if they weren't in such a depressed mood.
Buffy set aside her troubles when she saw Willow sitting in front of and opened package. "Hey, Will, what's the problem?"
"Men," she answered forlornly.
"I heard that," muttered Buffy to herself, causing Willow to respond with a puzzled look. "Sorry-just thinking out loud. So, what have men done to you? Besides giving you presents, that is."
"That's the problem," said Willow. "Well, half of it."
"OK, spill. What can be so bad about getting unsolicited gifts from guys?"
"Besides the fact that I'm kinda, you know, gay?"
"Oh yeah," sympathized the Slayer. "That."
"And now I have not one, but two-*TWO!*-guys attracted to me." Continuing in a more frustrated tone of voice, Willow asked, "Why couldn't this have happened to me when I wasn't gay?"
"No offense, Will," interjected Buffy, "but you were always 'kinda gay'. Remember Vamp Willow?"
"Yeah," said the ex-witch. "But I wasn't officially gay yet, remember?"
"So? Your vampire self didn't seem to care. She was all over Xander, or so I heard."
"Are you sure?" Willow questioned.
"Yup," she confirmed. "Besides, you wouldn't be all hot and bothered over Xander and Oz if you weren't still attracted to guys, you know."
"Yeah," admitted the hacker. With a sudden burst of eagerness she added, "You know, maybe, hopefully, Xander's as good as Tara and Oz at doing this thing with his tongue-"
"Will, please," blurted out Buffy hastily. "I don't need any mental images of you and Xander having sex."
"Who said that I wanted to have sex with Xander? I didn't. Just because he looks really hot in a speedo, and has the cutest little look on his face when he pouts doesn't mean I want him, because I might want Oz, who's a guitarist with really good hands and fingers...Mmmmm...Where was I? Oh, yeah. I could also want a girl, you know. I mean, there are so many pretty girls out there, with their long, silky hair and their soft hands and their.....well, you know, and I could want both a guy *and* a girl, because guys are so good at the being strong and firm part, and the groping and the thing with their guy part, which looks yucky, but feels so good inside my girl part, and then the girls are so good with the soft and gentle part, and their girl parts are so-"
"Willow!" shouted a now extremely disturbed Buffy. "Too much info."
"Oh, sorry," answered the other girl sheepishly. "But it's just that all these feelings are surging, what with the presents, and the 'bi now', and everything else."
"Will, take a cold shower."
"Cold shower?"
"Yes. Then we can got to the Bronze and have a girls' night out."
"What about Oz and Xander?" asked Willow.
"What about them?" asked Buffy, not following her friend's train of thought.
"You know, the guys with the gifting and the carding?"
"Oh!" declared Buffy, shifting out of her temporary bought of ditziness. "We'll deal with them later. In fact, if they're there when we get to the Bronze, we can get dates and make them jealous."
"Read the cards, Buffy," replied a disbelieving Willow, before heading off to her cold shower.
"I'm not reading your love letters!" shouted a somewhat jealous Buffy as her friend bounded up the stairs. "It's not polite to read somebody else's stuff," stated the Slayer as she looked away from the package sitting across the table. "Besides, I'm not interested in Oz or Xander like that, so I don't need to know what they wrote to Willow." After a minute of this, Buffy began tapping her fingers nervously on the table. Then, finally unable to control herself, Buffy looked around anxiously to make sure that Dawn or Willow weren't watching, she all but leapt over the table in her effort to see what Willow had received.
"Ohhhh," sighed Buffy as she looked in the box, which contained a teddy bear holding a heart. The card beside this adorable little bear was one of the really nice cards, the ones with the pretty scenery and the romantic poetry on the front. Inside, it was signed:
I'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right
'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love
I'll give you all I got to give
If you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give
Not what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love
Forever your love,
Oz
"Always the sweetheart," whispered Buffy with a smile. She turned to the other card, which had a picture of Snoopy hugging Woodstock in a way that only best friends can. "Geez, Xander," announced the Slayer to herself thoughtfully, "when did you join the sweetheart club?" Buffy then opened the card, which, like the one from Oz, had something written inside:
Say you don't need no diamond rings
And I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of things
That money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love
Say you don't need no diamond rings
And I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of things
That money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love
Always yours,
Xander
"God," replied Buffy as she sat down slowly, "They even used the same song."
"Yeah," croaked Willow as she sat down beside her best friend. "Lucky me, huh?"
"It'll be OK, Will," answered Buffy. "You just need to follow your heart."
"I wish it was that easy," countered Willow as she rose from her seat, leaving the room with a heavy heart.
"So do I, Willow," whispered Buffy as she stared at the table, wishing in vain for the world to be simple again, just this once, for Willow.