I hate hospitals, I always have and I always will.
They are always so clean and so sterile; everything is white, yet it carries with it a sense of death. You can feel it everywhere, all sense of hope dying before it could even grow. I sit here staring out the window of a hospital room trying to feel optimistic, but in this place it seems hard to even try. The only thing keeping me here is his hand in mine; tying me to the hope that he will wake up and we can leave this hospital forever.
I sit here watching the sick children playing outside in the garden, children that might never get out of here, just like Duo might never leave here. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way but its kind of hard to think that someone is going to wake up when they have been here for almost two weeks. It is hard for me to see him like this, all hooked up to tubes, his large expressive violet eyes closed, no loud voice to hear cracking another lame joke, but I suppose the hardest thing is the fact that his hair is about and inch long now. They had to cut it off, the doctors. to get to his brain to stop the bleeding. Duo loved his hair, I loved his hair, I loved running my hands through it, loved to feel its softness when we. I can't even think about those things nowadays, it makes me sad to think that I might never be able to hold him again and have him hold me back.
The war had ended three years ago, Duo and I lived in many apartments before finding a nice house just outside the city limits, you would never have guessed Duo was a nature freak, he said it was something about never having the chance when he was younger. Duo had just turned 20 about a month ago, we had a huge party with every one who knew Duo invited, when every one went home again we had screwed each other silly, Duo had said it was one of the best birthdays he had had, surrounded by the people he loved and loved him.
Then suddenly two weeks ago, all his happiness was taken away abruptly, and so was mine. Duo had been in a car accident with a drunk driver, for the first three days Duo had been in and out of surgery getting several bones put back in place and put back together, and of course the brain surgery. Duo had been going in and out of consciousness, for the first few days after the surgery, we thought that he would be fine, until he crashed and went on life support. I can't say that I have been the only one to suffer; all of the Gundam pilots have been showing signs of grief. Quatre the most openly, crying on Trowa's shoulder, Trowa hides it better but gives me his sympathy and sometimes when he's in the room, you can just see him staring at Duo. Wufei rants about the injustice of it all, crying some in the beginning, and even Relena who had finally gotten the point that I don't love her beyond a sister, sent her condolences. I haven't dealt with it yet, I wont deal with it until something happens. I go back to staring out the window.
Quatre comes in with some coffee about thirty minutes later, and tells me I should get some sleep, like I could even if I wanted to, and that he will watch over Duo and call me if something happens. I go out of the room to see Wufei sitting in the chairs outside the room, sleeping. I have to wonder how much Wufei really cares; he never really showed it before. Trowa was probably at our house feeding our dog, Skits, named that because she used to be a street dog you know multi- 57 varieties, that dog was skittish around everyone, until she met Duo. Sometimes I think the only reason she likes me is because I am with Duo. I walk past the cafeteria, looking at all the food my hands shoved into my pockets, I haven't really eaten since the accident nothing really seemed appealing to me, the doctors actually gave me an IV and pressured me to eat after I fainted from lack of energy. Surprising isn't it? The great Heero Yuy fainting from lack of energy.
Duo always cooked in our house, mostly for the reason I couldn't go near a stove without blowing up the kitchen. He loved mashed potatoes, I remember once we had a fight, one of those silly fight over anything fights that weren't really serious, Duo wouldn't talk to me, so I grabbed a handful of his mashed potatoes and threw them at him, of course he retaliated, and we ended up with mashed potatoes everywhere. But so far today though nothing has looked like I would want to eat it, so I walked on to the doors to the hospital garden. I sit on a bench and watch the children from close up, some have headbands of gauze and some have casts, they all look happy though. Duo always wanted kids, he still does, that's one thing I cant give him, all my love will not give him the children he wants that is my only regret.
I haven't been back to the house yet; I know it will be too quiet; I don't like it that way. I like the sound of these children laughing, playing, and sounding alive. I don't know how long I sat there, listening to them. Must have been a while though maybe even a few hours because the next time I saw Quatre, he was crying, walking up to me slowly a look of total and utter shock/sorrow on his face. Almost like something had happened and he wasn't expecting it, my breath caught in my throat. "Heero.I.I'm sorry.I tried.to come faster but .I'm sorry" he took some hitching breaths and without even realising it I was standing with him in my arms, my shoulder getting soaked with his tears. I knew then. Without him telling me what happened, without Trowa uttering a single word as he rushed out into the garden, my eyes flicking over to him slowly, seeing his nod, the sad look in his eyes. I let go of Quatre handing him over to Trowa slowly; everything was in slow motion, so slow.
I walked steadily and slowly to Duo's room, coming into the quiet room. Void of all beeping noises, the ever present hiss of the air machine, telling me that there was still life in this room. I looked down at him; the nurses had already removed the air tube, and several others that went with it. I looked things in the room over, the non-movement of his chest, the slightly parted lips, the pale colourless look that his skin was taking on, so slowly, his once bright eyes half closed. The bright flowers on the table that contrasted so brightly with everything else, the constant annoying hum of that damn doctor telling me that he was dead and that he was sorry. I knew that, it just wasn't sinking in yet. Yet another few hours later I was walking into the house the keys hanging limply from my fingers as I looked around. Skits came up to me and put her nose gently under my hand, pushing upwards. I smiled slightly, stroked her head a few times then walked straight into the bedroom and lay down. A silly thought came to mind then, what would Skits do when Duo didn't come home? What would I do? Skits followed me into the bedroom, lying down on her mat at the foot of the bed. Quatre said he would deal with all the funeral arrangements so I didn't have to worry.right. I rolled onto my stomach pulling one of the pillows over my arms and resting my chin on it, falling asleep wasn't so hard.
I awoke to the answering machine going off, it was Hilde sending her love hoping that Duo was okay, and that she would be coming down next week from L2. Damnit why didn't anyone tell her, she was his best friend. I was almost tempted to get up and catch her before she hung up, but this pillow smelt incredibly like Duo and that almost wasn't enough.
Falling asleep wasn't so easy this time.
I turned my head to the side looking at the windowsill, seeing it was sunset, the pink light shone in on the room, giving everything a red glow. That's when it all started to sink in, when I saw the flowers. I had bought Duo a pot of violet forget-me-nots a while back. He had loved them and I loved the way they looked like his eyes. He watered them everyday, now it seems though they were pale and lifeless; I guess Trowa forgot. Pale and lifeless just like his eyes, his eyes.
Things like this don't happen in real life, only in the movies. What's going to happen tomorrow when I wake up and there is a problem I cant solve, who is going to have the right answers. Who is going to know when I hurt inside? I used to be scared; scared because I knew it was wrong to love someone so much. It scared me to need someone this much, because I didn't know how much it was going to hurt if it ended. I tried not to, love is a weakness right? But with him I couldn't help it; he was always there for me, and I wasn't even there when he died.
I try not to think, thinking hurts, because whenever I think I will see him in my mind. If I look around I see him there, everything is a reminder. I won't ever be able to hold him again, won't be able to breathe his scent just feel his familiar warm body next to mine, I wont even be able to look into his violet eyes and hear him whisper that its going to be alright.
I used to wonder how Quatre could cry so easily, and why I couldn't. But lying here with only a pillow that smelt like him to hold on to, I found out that crying wasn't so hard.
Forget-Me-Not, part of the trichomanes: Memories. True Love. Marigold, Dianthus: Grief. Sacred Affection. Marigolds are the flowers for the dead.
They are always so clean and so sterile; everything is white, yet it carries with it a sense of death. You can feel it everywhere, all sense of hope dying before it could even grow. I sit here staring out the window of a hospital room trying to feel optimistic, but in this place it seems hard to even try. The only thing keeping me here is his hand in mine; tying me to the hope that he will wake up and we can leave this hospital forever.
I sit here watching the sick children playing outside in the garden, children that might never get out of here, just like Duo might never leave here. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way but its kind of hard to think that someone is going to wake up when they have been here for almost two weeks. It is hard for me to see him like this, all hooked up to tubes, his large expressive violet eyes closed, no loud voice to hear cracking another lame joke, but I suppose the hardest thing is the fact that his hair is about and inch long now. They had to cut it off, the doctors. to get to his brain to stop the bleeding. Duo loved his hair, I loved his hair, I loved running my hands through it, loved to feel its softness when we. I can't even think about those things nowadays, it makes me sad to think that I might never be able to hold him again and have him hold me back.
The war had ended three years ago, Duo and I lived in many apartments before finding a nice house just outside the city limits, you would never have guessed Duo was a nature freak, he said it was something about never having the chance when he was younger. Duo had just turned 20 about a month ago, we had a huge party with every one who knew Duo invited, when every one went home again we had screwed each other silly, Duo had said it was one of the best birthdays he had had, surrounded by the people he loved and loved him.
Then suddenly two weeks ago, all his happiness was taken away abruptly, and so was mine. Duo had been in a car accident with a drunk driver, for the first three days Duo had been in and out of surgery getting several bones put back in place and put back together, and of course the brain surgery. Duo had been going in and out of consciousness, for the first few days after the surgery, we thought that he would be fine, until he crashed and went on life support. I can't say that I have been the only one to suffer; all of the Gundam pilots have been showing signs of grief. Quatre the most openly, crying on Trowa's shoulder, Trowa hides it better but gives me his sympathy and sometimes when he's in the room, you can just see him staring at Duo. Wufei rants about the injustice of it all, crying some in the beginning, and even Relena who had finally gotten the point that I don't love her beyond a sister, sent her condolences. I haven't dealt with it yet, I wont deal with it until something happens. I go back to staring out the window.
Quatre comes in with some coffee about thirty minutes later, and tells me I should get some sleep, like I could even if I wanted to, and that he will watch over Duo and call me if something happens. I go out of the room to see Wufei sitting in the chairs outside the room, sleeping. I have to wonder how much Wufei really cares; he never really showed it before. Trowa was probably at our house feeding our dog, Skits, named that because she used to be a street dog you know multi- 57 varieties, that dog was skittish around everyone, until she met Duo. Sometimes I think the only reason she likes me is because I am with Duo. I walk past the cafeteria, looking at all the food my hands shoved into my pockets, I haven't really eaten since the accident nothing really seemed appealing to me, the doctors actually gave me an IV and pressured me to eat after I fainted from lack of energy. Surprising isn't it? The great Heero Yuy fainting from lack of energy.
Duo always cooked in our house, mostly for the reason I couldn't go near a stove without blowing up the kitchen. He loved mashed potatoes, I remember once we had a fight, one of those silly fight over anything fights that weren't really serious, Duo wouldn't talk to me, so I grabbed a handful of his mashed potatoes and threw them at him, of course he retaliated, and we ended up with mashed potatoes everywhere. But so far today though nothing has looked like I would want to eat it, so I walked on to the doors to the hospital garden. I sit on a bench and watch the children from close up, some have headbands of gauze and some have casts, they all look happy though. Duo always wanted kids, he still does, that's one thing I cant give him, all my love will not give him the children he wants that is my only regret.
I haven't been back to the house yet; I know it will be too quiet; I don't like it that way. I like the sound of these children laughing, playing, and sounding alive. I don't know how long I sat there, listening to them. Must have been a while though maybe even a few hours because the next time I saw Quatre, he was crying, walking up to me slowly a look of total and utter shock/sorrow on his face. Almost like something had happened and he wasn't expecting it, my breath caught in my throat. "Heero.I.I'm sorry.I tried.to come faster but .I'm sorry" he took some hitching breaths and without even realising it I was standing with him in my arms, my shoulder getting soaked with his tears. I knew then. Without him telling me what happened, without Trowa uttering a single word as he rushed out into the garden, my eyes flicking over to him slowly, seeing his nod, the sad look in his eyes. I let go of Quatre handing him over to Trowa slowly; everything was in slow motion, so slow.
I walked steadily and slowly to Duo's room, coming into the quiet room. Void of all beeping noises, the ever present hiss of the air machine, telling me that there was still life in this room. I looked down at him; the nurses had already removed the air tube, and several others that went with it. I looked things in the room over, the non-movement of his chest, the slightly parted lips, the pale colourless look that his skin was taking on, so slowly, his once bright eyes half closed. The bright flowers on the table that contrasted so brightly with everything else, the constant annoying hum of that damn doctor telling me that he was dead and that he was sorry. I knew that, it just wasn't sinking in yet. Yet another few hours later I was walking into the house the keys hanging limply from my fingers as I looked around. Skits came up to me and put her nose gently under my hand, pushing upwards. I smiled slightly, stroked her head a few times then walked straight into the bedroom and lay down. A silly thought came to mind then, what would Skits do when Duo didn't come home? What would I do? Skits followed me into the bedroom, lying down on her mat at the foot of the bed. Quatre said he would deal with all the funeral arrangements so I didn't have to worry.right. I rolled onto my stomach pulling one of the pillows over my arms and resting my chin on it, falling asleep wasn't so hard.
I awoke to the answering machine going off, it was Hilde sending her love hoping that Duo was okay, and that she would be coming down next week from L2. Damnit why didn't anyone tell her, she was his best friend. I was almost tempted to get up and catch her before she hung up, but this pillow smelt incredibly like Duo and that almost wasn't enough.
Falling asleep wasn't so easy this time.
I turned my head to the side looking at the windowsill, seeing it was sunset, the pink light shone in on the room, giving everything a red glow. That's when it all started to sink in, when I saw the flowers. I had bought Duo a pot of violet forget-me-nots a while back. He had loved them and I loved the way they looked like his eyes. He watered them everyday, now it seems though they were pale and lifeless; I guess Trowa forgot. Pale and lifeless just like his eyes, his eyes.
Things like this don't happen in real life, only in the movies. What's going to happen tomorrow when I wake up and there is a problem I cant solve, who is going to have the right answers. Who is going to know when I hurt inside? I used to be scared; scared because I knew it was wrong to love someone so much. It scared me to need someone this much, because I didn't know how much it was going to hurt if it ended. I tried not to, love is a weakness right? But with him I couldn't help it; he was always there for me, and I wasn't even there when he died.
I try not to think, thinking hurts, because whenever I think I will see him in my mind. If I look around I see him there, everything is a reminder. I won't ever be able to hold him again, won't be able to breathe his scent just feel his familiar warm body next to mine, I wont even be able to look into his violet eyes and hear him whisper that its going to be alright.
I used to wonder how Quatre could cry so easily, and why I couldn't. But lying here with only a pillow that smelt like him to hold on to, I found out that crying wasn't so hard.
Forget-Me-Not, part of the trichomanes: Memories. True Love. Marigold, Dianthus: Grief. Sacred Affection. Marigolds are the flowers for the dead.