Session XXX: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Edward slipped from the ventilation shaft with a worried expression as she made her way to where Spike lay unmoving on the floor of the Bebop.  She sighed resignedly and looked about expectantly for a moment.  "Ein?  Ein Ein! Ein where are you?" The thirteen-year old called.  There was a moment of silence and Ed's expression darkened.  "Ein no here.  They took Ein from the Bebop Bebop!"  With a look of determination, she sat down beside Spike and eyed him critically, gently pressing his ribs and shoulder where his clothes were stained by blood.  "Wakey wakey, Lunkhead!  Lunkhead lunkhead lunkhead!"

      Spike groaned and slowly opened his eyes to see Ed hovering over him.  Moaning in both pain and exasperation, he mumbled,  "Ed …I'm not in the mood to play games …" He shut his eyes and breathed laboriously for a time, and then his brow furrowed as he opened his eyes again and pulled himself into a sitting position with only a little help from Ed.  "Edward, where is Ein?"

      "Where, where?" Ed replied.  "Where is Faye-Faye and Jet?  Where, where?"

      "Ugh." Spike rose to his feet and swayed dangerously.  "I need the medical kit, Ed …and I need to know what happened." He tenderly patted himself down, wincing often.  "I'd also like the number of the asteroid that hit me." As Ed scampered off, Spike frowned again and very nearly crumpled.  "Asteroid …abductions …ouch …there was an asteroid we were going to hit and then …that guy, the shadow thing …ugh," He growled out an epithet under his breath.  "Whoever or whatever kidnapped Jet, Faye and Ein is not a force to be underestimated.  He messed me up good …I'd almost respect that in a person, except for the fact that I had no chance to fight back.  Well then, I guess I'll just have to make up for that when I find this prick."

*    *    *

Faye blinked to awareness slowly, keeping her breathing steady and slow to mimic sleeping as she tried to analyze her situation.  Something registered on her after a moment and she had to take several deep, calming breaths to keep from leaping up and tearing someone to shreds.  She was naked.  She was naked and therefore unarmed and therefore vulnerable and she did not like to be in vulnerable situations.  Further more, there were voices speaking in low, earnest tones not very far from wherever she was and the voices sounded anything but familiar.

      "…From Mars …good body, they could be fake though …" A pause as attention was directed elsewhere.  "…This guy …weird arm …quality work …"

      And then,  "Woof!"

      "Well, hello doggy, how the hell did you get out here?" The speaker asked, not unkindly.

      "Can't we let the doggy stay out?  He ain't doing nobody no 'arm and he's a cute little fella …can't I keep 'im?" A second voice piped in.  "He's just a doggy, Max, please?"

      She could almost picture this Max fellow rolling his eyes and heaving a sigh.  "Fine, the dumb mutt is all yours.  Just keep him out of my way."

      "He ain't dumb, Max, he's a smart pup, he'll stay outta yer way." There was a pause and Faye could practically feel their eyes on her.  "Why'd we 'ave to strip 'er, Max?  She don't look dangerous …you know Masrie wouldn't be liking this.  She's just a woman, she can't do not'ing to us."

      There was the scraping of chair legs on the floor and Faye heard someone pacing.  "Bree, you're my kid brother and so I got to protect you and keep you safe from the lies and filth in the world like they got on the radio shows and on the news clips.  I understand that you don't know who this woman is, or the man for that matter, but they are trouble and they aren't to be underestimated.  We couldn't have her aboard with weapons, now could we?"

      There was a pause as the second man, Bree, seemed to digest this.  "I 'pose not, Max …but why did we leave the ot'er fella then?  We coulda take des two wit'out 'urting that one."

      The pacing stopped and Faye envisioned a stare-down.  "The man we roughed up …had we brought him aboard, we wouldn't have been able to handle him.  These two will be trouble enough, but the price is worth it …that woman …she's not just a beauty, she'll bring us quite a few woolongs.  We had to make sure that other guy wouldn't come after us …if I reckon right, he should be dead by now."

      "But, Max, you said we weren't gonna kill nobody …des ain't right, we s'ouldn't 'ave killed 'im."

      Max's voice grew complacent.  "Why, we killed no one, we just roughed him up a little.  It's entirely up to him whether or not he survives.  We dealt no killing blow, Bree."

      "Well, all right then, I guess that's okay …but can we at least dress the woman?  She ain't done not'ing to us, she deserves some dignity.  'Sides, Masrie wouldn't be liking to come back and finding 'er like that.  You know 'ow she gets."

      Max growled softly.  "I know …Masrie ought to be coming back soon and I'll have to meet her.  That's strange," A note of suspicion made its way into his voice.  "The knock-out drug should have worn off by now …I don't like this, Bree, for all we know those two could have been listening to our conversation.  Go and wake them, Bree, I've got to get back to the cockpit, and dress the slut while you're at it.  Wouldn't want Masrie getting jealous or nothing." There was the sound of receding steps and then heavy stomping approaching her.  A few buttons were pressed and she heard a door open and the stomping came nearer.

      Suddenly the stench of Bree filled the air around her, a rancid odor somewhat akin to the smell of Ein's slobber, Spike's pitiful attempt at cooking and a rotting corpse all rolled into one.  Faye gagged and sat up, coughing hard and struggling to catch a breath without catching the scent of Bree.  Through watery eyes, she finally got a look at the man who had taken a liking to the dog.  He was almost entirely made of muscle, standing over Faye sitting on her rump and she had the uneasy feeling that he would have towered over even Jet, had he been standing at his side.  He had a brutish face, small dull eyes a murky brown shade and a childish look that would have been quite hilarious, had she been able to breathe without using her nose at the moment, and had it not been for the sharp memories of the conversation Max and Bree had shared moments ago ringing in her ears.

      The other man back on the ship was obviously Spike and it sounded as though he was in a bad way.  She was worried about him …worried about Spike!  Imagine such a thing!  She should be worrying about herself and Jet …maybe even Ed and Ein if she was willing to go out on such a limb, but Spike?  Nevertheless worry she did and it was not a comforting feeling.  Bree was watching her and trying not to look at her at the same time and Faye remembered her nakedness in a flash.

      "Er …hello there, my name is Fa – Faye-Faye …what's yours?" She asked.  If Max hadn't seen fit to tell Bree exactly who they were, well, she certainly wasn't going to take away the only advantage she had. 

      "Tits get dressed.  Tits clot'es in the corner.  Bree don't like to see Tits like des." Bree replied, talking in a voice even more childish than Ed's.  He seemed even more uncomfortable with her being undressed than she was …hmm, another advantage to press, but perhaps at a different time because Jet, lying not far away, was beginning to stir.

      Nodding her thanks, she dressed quickly, watching over her shoulder to make sure that Jet wasn't awake and that Bree wasn't eyeing her.  Feeling much more secure in her clothes, she squatted down and looked over at Jet, still prone on the floor and a short dog with tawny fur peeked out from behind Bree.  Ein.  The dog scampered over to Jet and began licking the ex-ISSP officer's face, rewarded with a groan and a mumbled curse as Jet pushed the dog from him and blinked as though to clear his vision.

      "What in the …damn, and here I thought it was just a bad, really stupid dream." Jet muttered, lying back down.  "Where are we?  Where's Sp –"

      "Spikey?  I don't know, just you and me, Jazz.  What's the matter, don't like being stuck in a cell with Faye-Faye?" Faye interrupted, not wanting Jet to reveal their identities to this oaf prematurely.

      "Does doggy 'ave a name?" Bree asked, ignoring Jet's question about their location.

      "Um …er, no, Bree, feel free to name the dumb dog whatever you like." Faye replied quickly.  "So …where is Spikey then, Bree?"

      Bree glared at her, eyes darkening in anger.  "Doggy isn't stupid, Tits is stupid.  Apologize to doggy." Bree ordered.

      "Erm …of course …my sincerest apologizes, doggy," Faye answered, her right eyebrow twitching.  'Great, just great, not only am I stuck with Jet and Ein, but the dog gets more respect than I do?  What is it about that stupid dog?!'

      "Tits, eh?" Jet whispered to Faye in a conspiratorial voice.

      "Shut up, Mr. Metal Arm." She growled.

      Bree grinned and gave Ein a hearty pat that made the dog quiver.  "Fluffy-'air is Spikey?  Fluffy-'air isn't doing so hot.  Maybe dead, maybe not.  Dunno fer sure."

      Jet's eyes widened but he gave no other sign of surprise.  "Well …why are we here?  Where are we?  What do you want with us?" Jet demanded.

      "Now, now, now, you ought to know that in situations such as these, the questions are asked by those in charge," A new voice said from by the door.  In walked a tall, leggy woman with a bust only moderately less than Faye and frizzy maroon hair that reminded her strangely of Spike.  Her crimson eyes were fixed on Faye and Jet, appraising them in long looks, cool and calculating.  Her eerie gaze fell once to Ein and her lips curled back in disgust before she looked past the mutt.

      'This must be Masrie …ugh, what on earth is she wearing?  A fur skirt and snakeskin boots?  With a leopard-print tube top?!' Faye shuddered inwardly.  'This woman has obviously no fashion sense.  Man, I think Bree smells better than she looks!' A tentative sniff of the air quickly convinced her otherwise.  "Well, if you're the one in charge, let's get this inquisition on the road!" Faye demanded, glaring at the other woman.  "C'mon, Tits has got better things to do than to sit around and wait for you dolts to get this over!  Whaddaya want from us?"

      Jet cleared his throat meaningfully and shot Faye a dark look.  "If you haven't noticed, Faye-Faye, we're the prisoners here.  I don't think insulting them is a wise move, unless you'd like to ignore your Romany background and spend some quality time dead."

      Faye frowned.  "I don't like being in situations like this, Jazzy boy, I don't like the smell of this at all." Both looked up to Bree at that, but the large oaf seemed deaf to their words.  Masrie, however, was anything but.

      "Quit the small talk there, you two," She ordered, her slate-grey eyes riveted intently on the pair.  "Miss Tits," She started, with a scornful look at Bree, "you're worth quite the pretty penny to somebody down on Venus, and the bounty on your head goes up for each accomplice you've got.  Unfortunately, we couldn't risk bringing the kung-fu guy and the boy wasn't on the ship, plus the mutt isn't worth a woolong to anybody.  We're getting enough from just bringing in you and Mr. Roboto there."

      Faye's mind whirled.  Venus?  Who did she know on Venus?  Or perhaps the better question, who did she piss off on Venus?  She quickly thought back.  The first time she'd been on the planet she had made friends with a stripper named Sherri and she had also gotten herself permanently banned from the majority of the casinos there.  The second time she had taken care of a few bounty heads with help from Spike and Jet and blew her money at the casinos she was still allowed in.  The third time.  Ouch.  Never mind the third time.  Between stripping for horny men and nearly dying because some insane old guy wanted to dissect her to steal her heart, she wasn't too eager to touch back on that memory.

      "Who wants us?" Faye demanded, pleased that her voice was full of anger and steady.  "Who the hell do you think you are anyway?  We're bounty hunters, not bounties!"

      "Oh, my dear Faye-Faye," Max drawled in a faux-sweet voice.  "I beg to differ.  You are worth quite a bit to someone very important.  Actually, so was Afro-puff but he'd have been too dangerous to bring along.  Alive anyway."

      "She'll be pleased enough with this one anyway." Masrie muttered.  "A guy is a guy.  There's nothing special to differentiate any of them." Max shot her a dark look but she ignored him.  "Make sure they stay here and don't cause me any trouble, I'm going to set the course.  Bree, bring the damn dog with you and come with me.  I don't trust you in charge of those two."

      Bree ducked his head in quiet submission and scooped Ein up without much of a struggle from the Welsh corgi.  Faye felt betrayed by that.  It didn't matter though, she had to work out a plan with Jet that would get them both out of this mess and back to the Bebop in time to save Spike's stupid life for the millionth time.  And hopefully she'd get a few answers in the process.

*    *    *

Ein's canine nose should have made proximity to Bree exceedingly unpleasant, if not vomit inducing, but like most dogs he usually preferred nasty smells to pretty ones.  They were more interesting for sure, and since hanging around Ed he'd smelled plenty of bad things.  The girl had a knack for finding things only a dog would like.  It was one of the things he liked about her.

      Bree had set him down upon entering the cockpit of the ship and Masrie left the cockpit soon after plotting the course for the automatic pilot.  Ein sat on the floor a few feet in front of where Bree was kneeling and facing him, the man imitating the dog instead of the dog playing at being a man.

      After leading Bree through a few paw shakes and roll over tricks, Ein jumped to his feet and dashed out the door, leaving Bree to clamber to his feet and trail after him, calling in a soft yell so as not to draw attention from Max or Masrie most likely.  Ein led the other on a quick obstacle course around all sections of the ship he could get to and then leaded off for the kitchenette, peeling down a different corridor back to the cockpit at the last instant and leaving Bree to search for him where he wasn't.

      Masrie hadn't returned to the cockpit, Max was still watching Faye and Jet, and Bree was playing hide-and-go seek with a welsh corgi who had left the room.  This was going to work out well.

*    *    *

"Spikey-lunkhead-person!" Ed called, chortling at her own ingenuity in naming people and things.  "Transmission from a ship!  It's Ein-woof-woof!"

      Spike, finished with patching himself up as best he could, which was to say not very well, chose to ignore certain questions that sent up flares in his mind, such as how Ein would be able to send a transmission to them.  He supposed it was possible that the mutt walked over buttons and accidentally arranged for a transmission but it seemed way too lucky that the dog would be able to reach the Bebop out of all the other possibilities in the cosmos.

      "Ship-ship is the asteroid from before!  Faye-Faye and Jet-person are being held hostage and taken to Venus, yep yep.  Ed has arranged for Bebop Bebop to follow in space-rock-ship's flight path and then Spike-person can take his ship and sneak aboard and save the day!"

      The viridian-haired bounty hunter stood from the couch and made his way into the cockpit of the Bebop where Ed was working the controls still.  Sure enough, Ein's face was visible on a tiny screen for incoming calls.

      "Does Ed get to come and be a hero too like before?"

      "No!" Spike shouted.  "This is too dangerous and these people mean business.  I won't have you dragged into this." Without warning he doubled over, clenching the ledge of a control panel so tightly that his knuckles turned white as he drew in several staggered breaths.  His eyes were wide and fixed on a spot on the floor as he licked his lips hesitantly, recovering from the pain that had torn at him from within.  Ed was there then, watching him with worry in her eyes. 

      "Lunkhead?  Lunkhead okay?"

      "Yeah …fine, Ed." Spike replied in a controlled voice.  'What the hell did they do to me?  That was like no pain I've ever experienced before …'  "Well, I guess I'm off then.  Hold down the fort, Ed, I'm coming back with everyone or I'm not coming back at all."

      "Spike-person …Spike is better than them.  Spike will bring back Ein and Faye-Faye and Jet." Ed replied seriously.

      Spike smiled slowly.  "I sure hope so, Ed." And then he was gone.

*    *    *

The gravity conked out in the asteroid ship and alarms began blaring, the entire ship shuddering as if under a considerable attack.  Of course, with Ein at the helm the ship could be lead into any number of obstructions.  Max was less than pleased when the gravity came back on and he fell heavily to the floor.

      "Doh god dabbit!" He hollered, wiping a smear of blood from his nose, which he had landed on.  "Stodgers!  Emerson!  In here n'dow!  Watch dese two and if dey make de wrong move, shoot der legs." Max ordered a pair of toughs.  "Dere's a tidy profit to be made from dem and I won't be loosing it because dey want freedom.  If Masrie comes down here tell her I've gone to the cockpit." With his nose smashed up the way it was he sounded a great deal like his brother Bree.

      The two nodded and Max ran out, one hand stretched to lightly brush against the wall of the corridor as if to prevent himself from rising if the gravity were to fail again.

      There were only two of them and Jet had a gun.  Not his normal choice of weapon but a small and compact little killer stashed in the heel of one of his shoes.  The other had some minor explosives.  He had learned a thing or two in his day, perhaps the most helpful lesson being that you could never be loaded with too many weapons.

      The explosives made swift and smoking work of the reinforced plasti-glass wall and between Faye's angry rampage and his own gun, the two guards were quickly incapacitated as well.

      "You go find Masrie, I'll get Bree and watch out for Max while you're at it." Jet ordered.  Faye quickly checked the guards for weapons and tied them fancifully with their jackets in an awkward position that put a decidedly happy gleam in her eyes.  If Jet hadn't been so pissed about the entire situation he probably would have laughed, but he instead ran from the room to find a certain muscle man presumably in the company of a familiar mutt.

*    *    *

Masrie's rush to the cockpit was slightly impeded by the unexpected presence of an irritated demon with green hair, though she dodged him for the moment easily enough by smashing a door in his face.  That was one of the good things about the old clunker of a ship.  You could actually slam the doors shut.  She nearly tripped over the dog escaping from the cockpit though, and when she saw him she wanted to groan out loud.

      Of course.  She had left Bree in the cockpit.  But it was Max she saw at the helm when she entered and it was Max that she aimed her own gun at as he whipped around to see who was inside.

      "You left them to escape?"

      "No!  I had Stodgers and Emerson watch them." Max explained.

      The round she unloaded into his chest said fairly well what she thought of his explanation and she was already halfway down the hall on her way to the holding cells when Bree appeared before her.  In the distance at her back she could hear the sounds of a now-irate demon in hot pursuit and she easily willed her eyes to be tearful and her lips to quaver.

      "Oh, Bree!  That green-haired guy is here and he's killed your brother!  Bree, he killed Max!" She'd always thought of herself as a superb actress.  Well now, she'd be cleaning up quite nicely here.  Max was dead, the green-haired guy would be dead, once she got to where Faye and Jet were she'd take care of Stodgers and Emerson and then she'd have a loyal Bree to help her bring in those annoying bounty hunters.  It was all falling into place so nicely, even if it wasn't what she had originally intended.

      But a flash of bright yellow foretold of a few more bumps in the road and Masrie flew back into the wall of the corridor with a pained yelp as Faye advanced on her.

*    *    *

Max was very much dead when Jet burst into the cockpit and the ex-ISSP officer swore heartily.  He was really starting to wonder why they were on board the stupid ship.  Normally, when it was their own fault for being in trouble, Jet didn't get so frustrated, but when it seemed as if for once they weren't at fault, well, that was just asking for it. 

      He left in a hurry down the hall and rounded the corner with his gun cocked and ready to confront whatever awaited him and stopped dead in his tracks.  Spike was crumpled against the bulkhead, one arm wrapped around himself and the other hanging loosely at his side, dark stains on his clothing from where blood had clotted against the cloth.  The younger man was shivering, his eyes clenched tightly shut as he sucked in a deep breath and rose to stand on shaky feet.

      "Spike!" Jet called in a loud whisper.  The lean and lithe man spun around – apparently too quickly, for he wavered before falling heavily to one knee.  "Spike, what the hell happened to you?"

      Despite the obvious pain he was in, Spike managed a pale ghost of his normal grin and peered up at Jet through squinted eyes.  Cursing under his breath, Jet moved swiftly to Spike's side and knelt, laying a hand across the other's back.  Spike drew in a shuddering breath and coughed raggedly.  "Big boy caught me off guard.  He's a bit trigger-happy at the moment so I felt it prudent to take my leave and come back to finish him off later.  Said something about justice and some Max character.  He's not quite sane, is he?"

      "Bree, and no, not anymore, I'd assume.  Someone offed his brother Max and he wants revenge." Jet replied.

      "Apparently he thinks I'm the bad guy who did his brother in.  Damn.  Irrational men are harder to dispose of when they're looking for blood.  Oh well, whatever happens …happens." Spike replied.  "I'm fine now, go off and find Faye, chances are that girl is in over her head somewhere.  Let me take care of muscle man."

      Jet scowled and stood, helping Spike to his feet though the younger man tried to shrug off the assistance.  "Fine, but if you go off and die on us I won't think very highly of you.  We aren't even the ones responsible this time.  I won't have you be some damned martyr here."

      "What are you talking about, Jet?" But the other obviously didn't really care about having his question answered for he was off again in a heartbeat.

      Frowning angrily, Jet did an about-face and hurried off back down the hall to where the corridor had branched off and he and Faye had split directions.  He needn't have worried though because Faye had things quite in hand.  Or should he say in handcuffs?  It looked as if Masrie wouldn't be going anywhere in a hurry.

*    *    *

"You know what?  I'm getting damn sick and tired of everyone trying to wipe the floor with me!  It'd be nice if you bastards would let me heal from one damn fight before busting me up again!" Spike shouted.

      Bree turned around and bellowed something at the bounty hunter, throwing the machine gun he'd picked up from somewhere before he'd run into Spike.  He ran at Spike, practically frothing at the mouth.

      "Fluff killed Max!  Fluff killed Max!  Max didn't do not'ing to Fluff!  We wasn't going to kill, just hurt so Fluff wouldn't live!"

      "I don't think I want to hear your definition of killing someone then." Spike growled to himself.  He pivoted and slammed Bree in the face with his shoe, but the oaf caught his leg and swung the great Spiegel by his leg, releasing him to smash into a wall some distance away.

      Spike lay there groggily for a time and then did something he should have done from the beginning.  He pulled his gun and shot Bree in a very sensitive but not lethal location.  And that proved to be enough to keep anyone down until the cavalry, in the form of Faye, Ein, and Jet, could get there to be of some help.

*    *    *

"So she finally cracked?"

      "Yep.  Ed should really be a questioner.  Hell, I'd break." Faye replied.

      Spike pondered that for a minute.  "I'm almost afraid to ask."

      "Its just Ed being Ed.  But with about two liters of sugary caffeine cola and seven candy bars in her."

      Spike shuddered.

      "Precisely."

      "So who wanted you on Venus?" He asked then.

      Faye was silent for such a long time that Spike was starting to wonder if she'd heard or intended to reply.  And then, "Good old Ebenezer wanted me.  Precocious little V wanted you.  Turns out Masrie is like her mom or something.  I left after that but Jet can give you the full story if he can handle being in there for Ed's entire inquisition."

      "No.  I don't think there's anything more that's important."

      Faye nodded numbly and looked down at her woe-begotten partner, all wrapped up in bandages and reclining on the couch.  "You know, it's pretty sad but, I think I'm getting more used to you being in this get-up than you wearing that ridiculous blue suit."

      "It's not ridiculous.  It's comfortable.  It's also got just the right amount of pockets and it isn't difficult to hide weapons in it."

      "It's not in fashion." Faye argued.

      "It's better than yellow hot pants and that stupid red sweater thing." Spike retorted.

      "Why you!  My sweater is an essential part of my outfit!"

      "You know, you could probably ask Masrie for some fashion tips, she seems pretty up on that sort of thing."

      Spike found himself bereft of a pillow and in a haze of falling feather and not for the first time either.  He laughed quietly to himself.  "Sometimes the saddest things have the best humor."

Send in the clowns…

On the next session of Cowboy Bebop …

Actually, I'm not sure which session I'm posting after this.  I'm revamping much of the sessions I'd written so …who knows?  Hopefully I'll have this up before Christmas though.  Keep on the lookout!  And don't forget to review!