A TROUBLED MIND
Loralei had cried so much her stomach ached. She went to Angie's apartment and asked if she would keep the baby for a few more hours. The sitter agreed readily enough. Loralei didn't want Rachel to see her so upset, because it would probably upset her. Angie was curious as to why Loralei was so shaken up, but she didn't pry. After promising the sitter that she would return in two hours, Loralei left to retrieve her car. As she made her way down to the parking garage, her mind played over and over what she had just seen. Watching her husband kissing another woman had cut her as deeply as a machete to the chest. All along, her suspicions had been right on. She wondered how long he had been fucking her. She was certain it had begun before the woman came to them in the restaurant. Of course, Donovan's reaction had begun to make sense now. He was so very enraged because his lover showed up at an inopportune moment. She realized why he had been so nonchalant and evasive. She would go home, pack a few things, overnight in a hotel, and go back to Missouri for a few days. Beyond that, she didn't know what she was going to do. Before sticking her key into the car door, the thought of going home didn't sit well with her. Wouldn't he simply follow her there and try to worm his way out of getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar? He could not explain his way out of this no matter how hard he tried. She could put up with his job, could handle the stress, but cheating was a different deal altogether. She wouldn't tolerate it, wouldn't let it slide. She could put up with a lot of shit, had put up with a lot of shit, but she knew she didn't have to take this. It still hurt. It hurt so much that she thought she might lose her mind.
Donovan knew where he would find Loralei. She dropped in on him without Rachel, so he figured he would find her at Angie's apartment building. He took the stairs two at a time to get up to her apartment. After banging on Angie's door impatiently, she came out and told him that Loralei had just left. Parking garage, he thought, but what fucking level? He ran back downstairs and took a chance choosing the level closest to Angie's apartment. Thank you, God, he thought as he saw Loralei standing against her car, the door key stuck in the lock. She stood staring down at the keys in a stupefied kind of gaze. She had misunderstood, had seen something that was nothing, but he wasn't sure if she would believe it. If he had walked in on her in the same situation, he might assume the worst as well. He laid his hand on her shoulder and she turned toward him. The moment he touched her, she knew it was he.
"I told you not to touch me, you cheating bastard," she spat through clenched teeth.
He reached out for her again. "Loralei, please listen to me."
She shook off his hands and slammed her thigh into his. Enraged now, she began swinging at him. Her tears blurred her vision and she didn't make contact with his face at all. He dodged her hands easily. Calmly and carefully, he took hold of her wrists and held them at bay. She continued to struggle, cursing him vehemently. Eventually, her adrenaline rush quickly abated, and her irrational anger began to quell. At that point, the tears came again, and her struggle completely ended [but only for a moment while she regrouped]. He wanted to take her into his embrace and hold her. When he made a move toward doing that, she came alive again and managed to escape the steel vise of his grip. He wasn't sure if she would listen to him like this, if she could listen. She almost escaped him completely, but he was fast. He took hold of her again and had no choice but to subdue her. One way or another, she would damn well listen to him. With her back facing him, he pinned her body against the car and held her hands behind her back as if he were apprehending and cuffing a suspect. However, the only difference was that he was ten times gentler with her. He rested his cheek against the side of her head so that every word he spoke would drift directly into her ear. Otherwise, she wouldn't hear anything he said.
"I know you're angry and hurt right now, and I can understand. Let me explain. When I'm finished, if you still want to leave, I'll let you go."
She couldn't speak, couldn't spit out two words. Her throat was stuffed and choked with sobs waiting to be released. For all her anger and hurt, she loved the bastard. At that moment, she didn't want him touching her at all, but she couldn't break free of his hold. Instead of speaking, she tried to move her head away from his so she wouldn't have to listen to a lie. Again, he held fast.
"This woman, this bitch whose name I cannot even speak anymore, is deluded. She thinks she can erase what she did and elbow you out of the picture and insert herself. I have told her repeatedly that she is nothing to me, and she isn't. I didn't kiss her, Loralei. She kissed me. The thought of kissing her makes me ill. You turned away before you saw me shove her back. I don't want her, Loralei. I never wanted her. I only want you. Do you understand?"
His words made perfect sense, but did she believe it? Did she? "I don't…don't believe you. You freaked out when you saw her at the restaurant, you won't answer any questions I ask about her, you have been so distracted that I can't even talk to you anymore. I had to go to Farron to find out your connection to her. I know you were engaged, know how she came into your life. You didn't…didn't just…throw her away. I betrayed you too, Frank, don't you remember? I lied to you, hurt you, and made you feel as if I used you to advance my pathetic FBI career. You didn't throw me away. Why would you throw her away?"
He closed his eyes for a moment. "It was different with you. I didn't throw you away because I love you. Yes, I loved her, once, but never as much as I love you. It was never meant to be with her and I; I just didn't see it until she betrayed me. With you, the instant I laid eyes on you, I knew."
She was stubborn and wasn't convinced. The image of her husband kissing that woman played in her mind over and over. "Goddamn it, Frank," she spat angrily. "You've been so distracted since this whole mess started. You have virtually ignored me, for God's sake. I've been trying to tell you for a week or more that I'm pregnant, but you have had your nose stuck so far up this bitch's ass, that you couldn't even talk to me for five minutes. What am I supposed to think?" Angered, she didn't realize that she had let the cat out of the bag.
The wind knocked out of his sails for a moment, he nearly lost his grip on her body. He rebounded quickly. "What did you say," he asked, unsure if he had heard the word 'pregnant' or if he had imagined it.
She hadn't intended to let it slip out in such a way, but since she had, she couldn't deny it now. "I'm pregnant, you bastard," she spat. "You didn't know, you didn't even suspect it. You were too involved with this case, this woman. If you had been paying attention, you would've known, you would have suspected it. You knew the first time. Why didn't you know now? You were distracted by her."
Inwardly, he groaned. She had dropped dozens of hints, but he hadn't picked up on one. She was right; he had been too preoccupied to notice. He understood why she had gotten so defensive when he had made that stupid comment about their 'one-year plan.' He was torn between extreme joy and terrible grief. He had hurt her and had been completely and totally oblivious. "Come with me," he said as he pulled back and took hold of her hand. "Come with me and I'll give you the proof you need."
Grudgingly, she followed him back to the Nest. She had tried to get away again, but he held onto her. He would not allow Loralei to leave until the viperous hag told her the truth. The unexpected news would be discussed later, when she was convinced. When they entered the office, Donovan didn't want to let go of Loralei's body, but there would be no other way to unlock the other door if he didn't.
"Please stay," he said.
Although she had no desire to honor his request, she stood absolutely still and watched as he let himself inside the small room in the corner. A moment later, she heard an indignant cry, followed by Donovan's command [Get up and tell the truth for once in your life]. With her struggling all the way, Donovan dragged Ennui into the room and forced her to face his wife. At that moment, Loralei was ever so tempted to put her foot up the bitch's ass.
"Tell her," Donovan demanded through clenched teeth.
"I'll tell her nothing," Ennui spat.
"If you don't want to wind up in the hands of your pimp, you will tell her," he spat furiously. "Tell my wife what you did. Fucking tell her."
Ennui literally stared through Loralei, thinking of her as competition, competition she would never defeat. "I kissed him. He didn't want me," she spat.
With that said, he put Ennui back into the room and locked her in. Once the deed was done for the second time, he stood and beheld his wife. "She is nothing to me," he repeated. "I never wanted to talk about her because she was a part of my past, a past I have put behind me. I wasn't avoiding talking about her; I just don't care enough, Loralei. In fact, she was so insignificant that I haven't thought about her in years. Not once did I even think of touching her. In my lifetime, you're the only woman I will ever want. No matter how distracted I become or how evasive I seem, don't ever doubt that."
She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I want to go," she said quietly. "I don't want to be here anymore."
He noticed that she had yet to let him know whether or not she believed him. He was totally unable to read her at all. She was hurt so badly, and he had played right into it, contributing more than his fair share of grief. There was still so much they needed to talk about, to straighten out. The tone of her voice worried him. It was flat, emotionless. What would he have to do? He would have to voice the question that disturbed him most. "Loralei, when I get home, you'll be there, won't you?"
"I don't know," she said. "It doesn't mean I don't believe you," she said softly, "it just means that I have to be alone, I have to let this all sink in. When you see your spouse, the person you love, kissing another, it does something to you. It destroys you inside. It doesn't matter if you kissed her or she kissed you, I know what I saw, and I…I have to reconcile it in my head before I can even digest everything that has happened tonight."
Donovan said nothing as he watched her turn away and leave. He was angry with himself, enraged at Ennui, and completely defeated inside. He didn't want to go through another scary dry spell like the one they had when Loralei went back to the FBI. Another factor weighed heavily on his mind as well. She was pregnant, had tried numerous times to tell him, but he hadn't heard a word, hadn't taken one tiny hint. He growled and turned away from the door. She wasn't coming back. Again, he was tempted to stalk up to Ennui and shove the engagement ring down her throat. What was worse, he couldn't leave. Once again, he was bound by duty, tied down by ethics. If she left him, he didn't know what he would do. Frustrated, he darted upstairs to call the regional office. Someone would retrieve the bitch, he didn't care whom. He would turn her over to a fucking janitor just to get her out of his sight.
It took more than an hour for Donovan to find someone who would pick up Ennui. In between phone calls to various agents here and there, he called home. His wife never answered. Of course, it didn't necessary mean that she had gone, but he couldn't kid himself. He saw her; saw the look in her eyes. She was gone. He went back downstairs when the agent arrived. As he opened the door to let her out, he fixed a murderous gaze on her. If Huete didn't take her out, he might. The smug look on her face drove him over the edge, and his hand itched to slap her. For the second time, the bitch had ruined his life, and he would make the remainder of hers hell. Some way, some how, he would do it or die trying.
* * *
It was full on dark when Donovan finally managed to leave. On the drive home, he was distracted [this is what started it all, goddamn it]. A couple of times, he nearly drove off the road. As he turned into the long driveway, he dreaded the idea of walking into the empty house. However, what he saw stunned him enough where his jaw literally dropped open. Loralei's car was parked in its usual spot under the covered carport. Thank God, thank God, thank God, he thought. When he entered the house a few minutes later, there wasn't a light on anywhere, and his relief quickly became worry again. Just because her car was parked outside didn't necessarily mean she was there. While he had been fighting with the FBI, someone could have easily picked her up and taken her wherever she wanted to go. With the same determination he exhibited to ruin Ennui's life, he was even more determined to find Loralei, whatever the cost. He climbed upstairs and stopped at Rachel's room. She was gone. Shaking his head and sighing heavily, he moved down the hall to the bedroom door. Perhaps he could find something there that would give him an idea where she had gone. As he creaked open the door, a small hint of a smile touched his lips. He clearly identified two silhouette shapes huddled together on the bed. One was an adult and the other a baby. He let out yet another relieved breath.
When Donovan moved closer, he saw that Loralei was lying on her side with the baby huddled closely against her, her tiny head nearly under Loralei's chin. Both of them were asleep. After kicking off his shoes, he climbed onto the bed behind his wife, once again leaning his head against hers. For a long moment, he luxuriated in her smell, the same sweet, sweet strawberry fragrance that had seduced his senses from day one. He moved only when he felt her stir. Unsure of what her reaction would be, he drew back a little, propping up on his elbow. He wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if she slugged him. Actually, he wouldn't blame her if she did. All he knew was that she had stayed, had come back, and to him, that meant everything in the world.
She turned her head slightly, and gazed up at him briefly before shifting position [mindful of the baby] to lie on her back. She didn't speak or reach out to smack him as he expected. Instead, she leaned up and kissed him ever so gently. His heart literally began to soar as he took her into his arms and held her against him, their bodies drifting back down to the bed; his over hers. He had been so afraid that she wouldn't believe him, that she would leave, but she had surprised him yet again.
Loralei drew away for a moment. There was something else weighing on her mind. They hadn't had a chance to broach the subject, and she needed to know where he stood. In all the drama, she wondered if he had forgotten. "Frank? The-"
He placed a finger over her lips briefly to shush her. "The baby?" He leaned down to kiss her just as softly as she had kissed him earlier. When he pulled away, he placed his hand onto her flat abdomen and began a gentle caress. "I'm sorry I made you feel as if I wouldn't be happy. When you gave me Rachel, I had never felt so overjoyed or so loved, and I thought no other feeling could compare. I was wrong. I'm feeling it again right now, stronger than ever. You're giving me another child, another reason to love you more than I did before."
She still had her doubts. "What…what about-"
He shushed her again. "So Rachel is only nine months old. It just means that she and her sister or brother will be close in age. Big deal. I say a lot of stupid shit sometimes, Loralei. I frequently put my foot in my mouth. You know this; I think I've told you before. None of it matters now, none. I can't say I'm not surprised, that would be a lie, but I'm also incredibly, incredibly thrilled." She went into his arms and held onto him tightly. After a moment, he thought he heard her crying. When he drew away, he saw the evidence sliding down her cheeks. "Oh no," he cried, his voice cracking, "they're baaaaaaack."
Loralei buried her face in her secure spot. She placed a moist kiss on his neck. "Fuck off, FD," she said against his skin.
* * *
Ennui sat in her secure hotel suite with her tawny eyes fixed on the wall. Absently she twirled the engagement ring as if it were the world's smallest hoola hoop. She had set about trying to destroy Donovan's marriage tonight, and she wasn't sure she had succeeded. He had forced her to confess to his wife, but she didn't appear convinced of his innocence in the matter. However, one thing was plain to her now. Donovan had no intention of becoming involved with her again. Even if his wife left him, she knew he wouldn't come to her. The look in his eyes wasn't plain old hostility that equaled passion. He hated her, he wanted to kill her. She didn't know if she could take his rejection lying down. When she first saw him upon her return to Chicago, she had no doubt that he would come back to her. She discovered he had a wife and child, but that was no obstacle to her. She could stir up trouble with the best of them, and had no doubt that she could draw him away. She had been wrong, had sorely misjudged him. He would never leave his wife for her; never glance at her again with one of his panty-dropping heated gazes. It was all reserved for his wife now, never to be hers again. What other choices did she have? She could walk away quietly, completely disappear never to resurface again, or she could take steps to permanently end Donovan's marriage. Scarily enough, she had almost the same mind-set as Kelly Bartlet so many years before her. By God, if she couldn't have him, no one would.
That night as Frank Donovan made love to his wife as Farron Donovan made love to nobody; Ennui Principio came out of her room. Her 'alert' FBI agent was passed out on the couch. She had doctored a drink earlier and used her charm to convince him to loosen up and drink it. Of course, it had done its work well. She went over to the prone body of the man and slapped him as hard as she could. He merely grunted, but didn't awaken. Good. She took his car keys, cell phone, and service revolver. She would probably need them all before the night was over. If she walked in where she was going unarmed, she would be shot down like a defenseless deer. She knew exactly where to go, where to find him, and she was set to betray Frank Donovan once again.