Chapter 13: Moment Interrupted and Lost
"I am okay Gris, its just that its...so fresh. I will be fine though. I know how to handle things like this."
Her words suggested a past experience she wished not to speak of. I didn't blame her. I was the same way, I suppose. I am very private and closed off from the world, which I blame entirely on myself. I don't know if it is more of a gift or a curse. Anyway I didn't want to push her any further with the questions that burned through all other thoughts, so I let it go.
"How do you feel?"
"Fine."
I scowled at her. "I will ask you again and this time give me an honest answer. How do you feel?"
She looked down at her hands that laid on the table. "I feel horrible. I killed someone Grissom. I took someone's life."
I knew that whole struggle to appear like this wasn't bothering her was a front. I knew her too well. Sara was always too compassionate to hurt someone. Even what he did to her, she still felt like she did something wrong. "Sara you had no choice but to kill him." I paused letting my words sink in. "Why are you so hard on yourself?"
"Excuse me?" She seemed surprised I asked such a bold question.
"Why are you so hard on yourself?" I repeated
"Grissom I don't need a pep talk okay. Its not that easy."
I silently gave up. It was so hard to reach her. We never seemed to good with words, they always came out wrong. The tone was off, the words were misplaced or left out, or the entire situation was wrong.
"Sorry. I didn't want to sound so cold." She said after the silence became uncomfortable.
"That's okay. We all have reasons for keeping secrets." I was hoping she didn't detect the knowledge of the subject in my voice.
"Yeah by forgetting them they spare us additional pain." She said softly.
"But we never really forget and they continue to provide punishment we think we deserve." I countered.
"Yeah but more importantly they protect those we care about." She paused. "Family. Friends. All need protection from the pain you went through." She put her head down on the table exhausted from reliving the entire thing over again.
I stood up in front of her and walked around the table. I was drawn to her for no reason other than she was Sara and she was needed me. I turned her chair to face me. The metal chair legs made a screeching sound on the cement floor that sent shivers up my spine. When she faced me I dropped to her eye level. I instinctively ran my fingers over her eyes. She closed them and leaned into my hand. I guided her head to my shoulder where I felt her tears wet my shirt. Sometimes we just needed to cry. I wanted to cry too but I had to be strong for Sara. She didn't need my troubles, not now or ever if it made her cry. I would much rather see her smile.
"Mr. Grissom!" Taylor Epps barged through the door. "I was..."
Sara sat up straight and wiped her eyes. She looked away from me when I tried to meet her eyes to find something that was left of our moment together. I didn't though and knew I lost her. Again.
"What?" I stood up and went directly to Epps.
"I..uh..uh..."
"What? Well?" My tone was harsh and totally not in character.
"Its okay Gris. Don't be so hard on him." This came from Sara.
"No its not okay Sara." I turned back to Epps. "Well, I am waiting."
"Sorry sir. I just wanted to be present for the questioning. I read the transcripts from the interrogation with Elizabeth Clark. I thought I could help."
"We are done here and I doubt you could do anything to help."
"Grissom its okay I want to answer his questions. What can I do for you Mr. Epps?" Sara politely asked. How could she do that? Switch gears so quickly. How?
I stared at her in shock then back at Epps. He stepped away from me and over to Sara. He offered a hand across the table.
"First of all I don't think we have been properly introduced. My name is Taylor Epps, CSI: Level One."
"Sara Sidle, Level Three."
"I have heard a lot about you Miss Sidle."
"Call me Sara." She offered a small smile. "So I hope they were all good things."
"Yes ma'am, I mean Miss Sidle, I mean Sara." Epps blushed slightly.
"What do you want to ask me?"
"Oh yeah. Well like I was saying I read the transcripts for the interrogation of Elizabeth Clark, the owner of the apartment you were taken too. Mr. Grissom forgot to page me."
"I didn't forget to page you. You didn't need to be there."
"Well I thought I should have been." He said smartly. "After all this is my case too."
"In case you have forgotten I am in charge." I was insulted, but mostly angry that he was the reason I was standing by the wall and Sara was so far away. Epps started to shout something about not being treated respectfully and I yelled back that he needed to go back to school first. The shouting continued to raise in level and intensity until Sara shut us up.
"Both of you quit fighting!" Sara shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you two? If anyone should be pissed and yelling it should be me! Now stop, I can't take your bickering." Sara's face was flushed with anger now.
"Sorry Sara." Epps mumbled.
That little shit! He apologized to her before me? Wait, I told myself, calm down. This is Sara we are talking about not some character from a Soap Opera. She didn't care who apologized first. I had to calm down. "Sorry we had no right."
"Damn straight you had no right. Now can we hurry this up I want to go back to my cell."
I could have swore that Sara wanted to add: 'to get away from you two'.
"As I was saying." Epps started again. "I read the transcripts and found that Ms. Clark mentioned your name without Mr. Grissom saying you were the one involved. Does she know you?"
Sara's attitude did another shift. Her body stiffened and she avoided my eyes. "No. Why would she mention me?"
"We think she is lying. Do you remember someone else in the apartment with you?"
"No." Her answer was too quick. "It happened fast but I would remember if someone else was there."
"So you have never met Elizabeth Clark?"
"I said no." Sara answered shortly.
"Could she have held you down while her boyfriend climbed on top of you?"
I winced. Instead of tricking Ms. Clark into something I tricked Epps. He was going to tell her what I said. He had no evidence surely he wouldn't...he would. First lesson of being a CSI, trust the evidence and never speculate.
I watched Sara closely. Her features were a mixture of rage and disgust, almost the same response I got from Elizabeth Clark earlier.
"No."
"Why are you so sure?"
"Because I was conscious the whole time."
"Are you sure?"
Sara sighed at his question. "Yes."
"Why?"
I was about to stop Epps' line of questioning and tell him that I needed to talk to him, but Sara replied to quickly.
"Because I relive it every time I close my eyes. From the first swing to his blood being thrown on the bedroom wall."
Epps wasn't ready for that response I could tell. He had a lot to learn before CSI: Level Three. If Debra, Sara's guard, hadn't told me about her having nightmares I would probably be shocked too though. Sometimes you just couldn't help but be shocked by human responses.
"Epps I think you're done." I said trying to break the tension. "And I would like to speak to you later."
"Yes sir." He stood. "Sara?"
"Yes."
"I am sorry I had no idea. I mean..."
"Don't apologize. That's what we do. But in the future use speculation only to compete with coworkers. Deal?"
"Deal. I am really sorry though."
"Forget it. It was nice to meet you Taylor Epps. When you become a CSI: Level Three, call me." She tried to smile but it couldn't quite break through her tired visage. I marveled at the care in which she treated him. I felt horrible after I was so hard on him and Sara was so caring.
"He will make a good CSI someday." Sara said as Epps left the room.
"If he can make it."
"I made it."
"He is not you."
"I was quite a pain myself when I started. I always got in trouble for getting overanxious to solve a case and too involved. I still do."
"But you never forgot where you put your field kit."
"What?" She asked.
"Oh nothing."
"Can I go back to my cell?"
"If that's what you want."
"Yes I still feel a little sick."
"Do you need something?"
"No I'll be fine."
Her words sounded hollow but she didn't seem to care if I believed her or not. I think I lost her. What do I do now?
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tbc...