*Oh and the legend in this chapter is made up. Totally a work of true fiction by yours truly (a creation of my under used brain ;) The butterfly is real though, I know I searched everywhere for the right one. Anyway here it is!*
Chapter 26: The White Admiral Butterfly
Sara occupied my thoughts throughout my shift. Catherine's words were an awakening, now I just had to follow through with them. I drove by her place but didn't have the courage to knock on her door. I was afraid how she would react to seeing me. I have never been to Sara's actually. I knew the way because so nights I found myself just driving by. Pathetic I know. So here I sat, at home staring at my bugs. I ran so many scenarios through my head that I was actually getting a headache. In each scenario my brain managed to play out, I came to one conclusion: I loved Sara. I just needed the to say it when she was in the room. So given the circumstance that I had not yet arrived about how to tell her, it can be expected that I was a little shocked that Sara showed up on my doorstep.
"Sara? What's wrong?" These were the first words out of my mouth, and regretted that it sounded like I didn't want her there.
She was dressed in a green Harvard sweatshirt and jeans. Her hair fell in line with her jaw but you could still see the healing bruises on her face; especially the dark one on her jaw.
"I know it's late but it's just eating away at me. I...I wanted to say I am sorry."
"For what?" I asked perplexed.
"Lying." Her breathing got faster as she spoke faster. "Grissom I have had a lot of time to think, and well it means a lot if I have someone to trust, especially now."
I had no idea that of all the things that could be on her mind, I was at the top of her list. "Sara I told you that it doesn't matter. I understood why you lied."
It was quiet for awhile before any of us spoke. She looked at her feet then made a sudden movement to walk away. "I am so sorry I shouldn't have come."
"No Sara wait!" She was near the steps when I ran out the door after her. Now was my window of opportunity to tell her how I felt. "Do you want to come in?"
I looked at her for a moment praying that she would say yes. To my relief she nodded and slowly stepped just inside the door.
We stood for a moment in silence again. This was happening way too often recently. "I know what Mobley is doing to you. I want you to know that it is wrong." I said quickly trying to make conversation.
"Hey don't worry about it. We're still friends right?"
Catherine was right, she was staying because of me. "Of course Sara." I moved to touch her arm but she backed away. It was somewhat shocking that she backed up. I thought she felt the same way. Suddenly I felt like I shouldn't go through with this. If Sara would reject me I would kill myself. I knew part of the reason she was jumpy was because of the case but surely she has gotten better, at least a little better. Why was she so afraid of me? "Sara you know I won't hurt you, right?"
She looked right into my eyes penetrating my soul. "Grissom...let's just forget it. I don't want to upset you."
Upset me? "No Sara. Talk to me. What's wrong?" Please just talk to me Sara, I silently begged.
She was quiet for awhile gathering her thoughts. Then she spoke with a lowered head. "I'm sorry but no I don't know that you won't hurt me."
Okay I couldn't breathe. It was barely audible but I heard her. Good thing my hearing didn't fade out. Even though my heart wouldn't be breaking if it did. All this time she thought I would hurt her. I have been scared she was not going to come out of this, and I was the reason. "Sara I would never hurt you. Never."
"You hurt Ethan."
What? What is she talking about? Of course I hurt that son-of-a-bitch! "Sara he was hurting you. I wasn't going to forget that. I had to stop him."
She rocked back and forth. "But you didn't just stop him, you...attacked him. I have never seen you so angry before. You scare me."
Scare? That's present tense. She wasn't scared, she is scared. Oh my God. I stepped closer to her and she moved back. "He hurt you Sara. It hurt so much to see him do that to you." Again I stepped closer but this time she didn't back away. "I would never hurt you. Trust me."
She moved away from me and into the living room with a noticeable limp but tried to disguise it with the short steps. She was again avoiding me. She ran her eyes gracefully over my things observing everything in detail. I watched her move from this to that. It was almost hypnotizing.
"Is this your butterfly collection?" She said changing the subject. Butterflies are a safer subject. "I always loved butterflies. Each one is unique and so beautiful." She continued.
I looked her up and down. Her posture was one still conveying unease. I dropped our old topic. I didn't want her to run away from me; not now. Not when I need her to understand. "I love butterflies too. Your right each one is unique and very special."
She turned abruptly. "Grissom I need someone to talk to."
Her statement shocked me yet I was relieved she couldn't just drop what we had started. I could talk about insects all day but somehow it didn't fit in right now. "Sara you can always talk to me." I crossed over to her but was careful not to get in her personal space again.
"I can't handle this on my own." She sat down on my sofa and looked up to me. "I trust you but there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that tells me to stay away. It's like a battle of thoughts and feelings inside me. I don't know how to explain it. I feel..." Her eyes became watery and she grew quiet. "It hurts." She said finally.
"What hurts?"
Her brow knitted in confusion as she struggled to convey what she felt. "I hurt."
I knew Sara was not one to admit her feelings that ran so deep. She needed someone to talk to and she chose me. Despite the fact that she was afraid of me or the fact that I wasn't good at this, she chose me. Catherine was right, she has feelings for me or she would have left a long time ago. Talking was a start to trusting me again. So the socially inept one, me, that couldn't even tell her that he was madly in love with her rummaged through a million thoughts of what to say. I am not one that is good with words, or people, or relationships, or talking, or comforting but I knew I had to help her and the only way to help her was to confess my feelings. "Stand up." I told her.
She was perplexed, I could see it in her eyes. "Why?" She asked subduing the tears.
"Just trust me." Again that combination of words; trust me. Please Sara trust me again, I need you to trust me.
Confusion again washed over her face but she slowly got to her feet. She stood facing me and I examined every detail of her face closely. Then I ran my eyes up and down her body only to return to her face. That beautiful face.
"Now turn around."
Sara slowly did as I said as she put all of her faith in me. All of that doubt and fear was subdued even for a moment. I moved to stand close behind her. My hand rested on the small of her back and I leaned into her ear. Her smell was intoxicating. "Close your eyes." I whispered; my breath moved her hair.
She paused then closed her eyes at my command. I continued. "Have I ever told you about the White Admiral butterfly; Limenitis arthemis arthemis?"
She shook her head no. I watched her hair sway with the movement. The smell became more alluring, it smelled like...Sara.
"Its a fairly large butterfly with a wing span of about two and seven eighths to about three and one eighth inches long. It is coal-black with milk-white bands across the middle of its wings above and below. Often it has blue or blue-green iridescence above and white circles outline the wings. The blue is a deep dark blue, like the depths of the ocean. There is also a row of blue crescent-shaped marks on the wings. They are sought after by collectors for their beauty. It is one of the rarest species of butterflies in the world, because of disappearance of their habitat and collection."
I brushed her back with my chest and noticed she didn't jump away. "You see it is rare to find such a combination of colors. In fact no other species can be found. Some believe the combination of colors was simple evolution for survival of the species. Others choose to believe the legend."
Sara was totally still now. Her breathing soft and regular. She no longer had a guard up to keep me away.
"Do you want to hear the legend?" I asked.
"Yes." She whispered.
"Some believe that once the White Admiral was completely white. Flawlessly white in color, hence the name White Admiral. Well one day the White Admiral came across someone in great pain."
"Why were they in pain?" She whispered.
"No one really knows why I suppose, but the pain was unimaginable. So take your pain Sara, and multiply it times three. Okay?"
"Okay."
"The White Admiral happened to fly by that person and felt the sadness and pain. Upon seeing someone in so much pain, the White Admiral became saddened itself. It had to take the pain away. All of that pain was taken by the White Admiral. That is why it is predominantly black, because it mourns the pain. The only white left is where the tears fell on its wings." I stopped and was inches from her ear and whispered, "Open your eyes Sara."
She slowly opened her eyes and turned to face me once again. I searched her eyes. They were filled with such pain and unhappiness. "Let me be your White Admiral Butterfly Sara." I watched her reaction. "Let me take away your pain."
A single tear ran down her cheek and I brushed it away with my thumb. Her skin was soft and warm, so alive. I could see it in her eyes that she knew what I was saying.
"You don't deserve such pain." She said still whispering.
"Neither do you." I whispered and our lips met in the softest most powerful kiss I have ever known.
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The End
Don't forget the Epilogue, I don't want you to hate my ending without seeing what happens next!lol.