Buffy did a quick patrol before she went home, her thoughts filled with Spike. She stopped at Willy's once again to pick up food for Spike. The house was dark when she got home, flipping the kitchen light on she found a large note on the refrigerator.

Buffy - how is Spike? Dishes are done and leftover spaghetti in frig if you are hungry after patrol. ~ Dawn

Buffy smiled to herself as she noticed that the dishes were indeed done and the trash had even been taken out. She drank a glass of water and went to bed. Thankfully Fridays were usually slow at work, she would have time to call and check on Spike during the day and then she would take his dinner to him after work. This weekend she would try to visit him as much as possible, maybe even take Dawn if he was feeling any better.

***

Spike sat quietly in his room , he was hunched up against the headboard of the bed eyeing the door. He was afraid to close his eyes, not sure who would be in the room when he opened them again. He was actually feeling a tiny bit better "they" weren't coming as frequently now, the voices in his head stilled for longer amounts of time. Of course even with out the voices his lucid thoughts were still full of the pain he had inflicted on others through the years.....especially her.

A redhaired nurse stuck her head in the room startling him, he had jumped hitting his head hard on the metal headboard. "I'm sorry Mr. Spikely. I didn't mean to scare you." Her voice was soft as she approached the bed, "Can I get you something to help you sleep? It's very late."

"No...you can't scare me, I'm evil...the big bad." He laughed bitterly.

"I'm sure that's not true. You just need some rest that will help you feel like your old self." She fluffed his pillow and helped him lay back down in the bed.

"I don't want anything to make me sleep - don't want to be my OLD SELF- have to be BETTER!" He was shouting now, wringing the bed sheets in his hands.

The nurse jumped back at his sudden agitation, "It's okay, it's okay. She hit the call button and the intercom came on."Please send some help to Mr. Spikely's room."

Spike continued to wring the sheets and shout, "She needs a new man, a different man, the man I want to be....." His voice tapered into a gentleness, "The man I could be..." He looked at the frightned nurse, "I can be good can't I?" He asked tears welling in his eyes.

A very large man entered the room, "You okay, Sally?" He came to stand by the bed.

"Yes, he didnt' try to hurt me, but he's not sleeping and very agitated. I need to call Dr. Lavery. I'll be right back. Just keep an eye on him." She left the room and went to the nurses station to call the doctor.

The shrill ring of her phone woke Dana up, she opened one eye to stare at the clock beside her bed. Red numbers flashed at her 4:15. "Hello" She answered the phone groggily.

"Dr. Lavery this is Sally."

"Yes, Sally whats wrong?" Dana asked sitting up in the bed.

"Mr. Spikely hasn't slept for several hours, when I went to check on him he got agitated. I'm afraid he may hurt himself again. May I give him a sedative?" The nurse asked.

"Did he try to hurt you in anyway?" Dana asked as she turned on the light.

"No, mam. I think he really needs to get some sleep though."

"I think you may be right, Sally, go ahead and give him some of the sedative in his med box, hopefully it will help. The dosage intructions are with the syringes. I'll be in the clinic in a few hours. If you need me before that, just call." Dana hung up the phone, she knew she had told Buffy she would wait on the medication but she really thought that medicating him was in his best interest right now.

Spike closed his eyes willing himself to clear his mind, to get rid of the fuzzy feeling. The large man beside his bed continued to stare at him as if he had four eyes. He was relieved to see the nurse come back into the room. She nodded at the large man and pulled a syringe from her pocket along with an alcohol pad. She rolled him over gently and cleaned a spot on his hip and expertly gave the injection, "You'll feel better in no time now." She smiled at him as she disposed of the needle in nearby sharps container. She stood by the bed for a moment watching as his eyes began to droop closed and he mouthed a word she couldn't understand.

Spike tried to fight the effects of the sedative but gave in as a warm feeling came over him, the last thing he saw before driting off was the red haired nurse who had transformed into a petite blond stroking his arm and telling him to rest, "Buffy?" He tried to say the word out loud before sleep took him.

***

The Dreams

"William, would you like some milk with that?" His mother's voice was as warm to his ears as the fire heating the kitchen. The aroma of freshly baked scones assaulted his nose as she placed one on his plate.

"Yes, please." The child answered, his face lit up with a large smile.

His mother ran a hand through the mop of soft brown curls, "Such a good boy William, such a good boy." She told him as she poured his milk.

Spike watched the scene as an outsider, the sight of his mother making his eyes tear up, the smells of the kitchen bringing back a horde of wonderful memories.

***

The young William, sat next to Cecily at a party.

"I'm a a bad poet, but I'm a good man." William told her earnestly.

Lot's of good being a good man did you then, William. Spike spoke out loud to the humiliated young man sitting in a parlor over a hundred years ago.

****

Spike, recognized himself as he sat quite bloodied in his crypt. Giles and Xander had left him there after the Glory incident.

Soft lips brushed his bruised ones and his eyes widened at the realization that this was the living breathing Buffy...not the bot.

She had turned to face him, "What you did for Dawn and me.....that was real. I won't forget it."

Spike watched himself watch Buffy leave the crypt. He had done some things right in his lifetime. He had never regretted letting Glory torture him, if he had to do it again he would gladly. That had to mean something didn't it?

"Such a good boy William" His mother's words stuck in his head, once, yes once upon a time he was a good boy....so long ago. Was some of that goodness still in him? He so wanted to believe that it was.

"Hey Dawnie, thanks for taking out the trash last night." Buffy told her sister between swallows of orange juice.

"Your welcome, so how did the Spike visit go? Is he any better at all?" Dawn asked as she poured her own juice.

"Well he has moments where he's Spike but he slips away into his own little world a good part of the time. I'm hoping getting him away from the basement will help that. The doctor mentioned using some meds on him, but I'm not sure about that." Buffy rinsed her glass out and set it on the drainboard.

"So did you give him my message?"

"Actually, the doctor had me leave, Spike was getting kind of aggravated with me there." Buffy's words were light but couldn't hide her despair.

"Buffy, this isn't your fault." Dawn hugged her sister tightly.

"That's easy for you to say." Buffy pulled away from Dawn and ran her hand over Dawn's hair, "It's okay, I mean I know that it's not all my fault, but ...it's hard seeing him like this. I did tell Dr. Lavery to deliver your message though and I'm going to call from work and check on him this morning."

"Good, because I mean it. I want to see him." Dawn grabbed her books as Xander sounded the horn outside, Buffy followed her out of the house.

****

"Sally, how is Mr. Spikely this morning?" Dana asked as she met the nurse getting off of her shift.

"He's still sleeping, I guess the sedative is still working. It's a shame about him, he seems so sad. Such a nice looking man too."

" It is sad, I really hope we can help him. I'll check on him shortly. Thanks." Dana waved at the redhead as she left.

Dana checked on her other inpatients first then peeked in Spike's room he was still sleeping soundly. She smiled at the sleeping vampire, it was the first time she'd seem him actually look peaceful. It occured to her that,Sally was right, he was a good looking man.

****

Spike woke up and stared at the hospital room warily before he realized that he was alone. Completely alone in the room, no voices clamoring in his head.There had been no nightmares last night, dreams of his past but no victims out for vengeance in his head.

He fought to remember where he was, he should remember...yes, last night a doctor. A woman doctor, she wanted to help him? She knew Buffy. His mind struggled to stay coherent. Buffy had been here?

He had sat perfectly still for more then an hour before Nurse Sherry looked in on him through his door window, noticing he was awake, she came in the room. "We thought you might sleep all day, Mr. Spikely." She gave him a bright smile.

"Spikely?" Spike frowned at the name.

"Umm..yes sir. Isn't that your name?" Sherry asked hesitantly.

"You can just call me, Spike." He answered unsure of what exactly was going on, "Could you please get that doctor in here? The woman, can't place her name."

"Dr. Lavery? Yes, I'll get her for you."

Sherry found Dana catching up on dictation, "Mr. Spikely is asking for you."

"He is? How is his behavior this morning?" Dana asked as she stood and started towards Spike's room.

"Well other then seeming a bit confused over his name, he seems quite normal this morning. By the way he wants to be called Spike." Sherry told her as she left Dana at Spike's room.

"Spike, how are you this morning?" Dana asked cheerfully as she sat down in the bedside chair.

"I'm...I'm better, slept better, dreams but nothing terrible. I just feel like I have to conciously fight myself to stay alert." He sighed as he played with the edge of the bedspread.

"That's part of the key, Spike, focusing on now, not letting your past get the best of you. Yes, you did some horrible things, but you're different now. You have to work through this and find a way to make peace with your past. " Dana smiled at him, patting his shoulder.

"I...I remember talking to you last night. You..you did say that you wanted to help me? That Buffy wanted you to help me?" His mind was getting cloudy again as he fought for control, he had to know that Buffy really had been here, that she really did care.

"Yes, Buffy was here and she does want me to help you. She wants to help you."

"And Niblet, she wants to see me?" Spike asked as he concentrated on keeping the fuzziness from creeping back in.

"Niblet? Oh, Dawn?" Dana nodded her head in affirmation.

"Don't want her to see me like this."

"She can come visit when she's ready okay?" Dana assured him, "Why don't we talk about the voices, see if we can come up with a way to help you with that?"

"I don't think I can stay here. I don't think it will work." He began to fidget, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I think I better go, back to my place. I'm sure they need me, got to check their passes."

"Spike, why don't you let me change the bandages on your chest and you can rest a bit mre before you go back?" Dana replied soothingly, "I'll get you something to drink too."

"I should go." He shook his head at her.

"After I change the bandages okay? And you have a late breakfast. Buffy wouldn't be happy if I let you leave like this." Dana explained to him as she pulled fresh bandages from the drawer in small chest next to his bed.

"Buffy wouldn't like it?" Spike seemed to mull that over in his head, "Don't want her angry. Not good when she's angry."

"Good, lets see if we can get you fixed up with breakfast, I'll be right back." Dana left to retrieve what was left of the blood Buffy had brought last night, she had microwaved it and brought it in the same mug.

"Nice and warm." Spike told her as he emptied the mug, his eyes were tired, he was trying so hard to focus and losing the battle had exhausted him.

When he had completely finished his breakfast, she carefully pulled off the old bandage. The cuts had mostly healed already. Vampire pysiology was very interesting. She carefully bandaged his chest again, speaking in a calm voice the whole time, by the time she finished he was sleeping again. She went back to her office to wash out his mug.

Buffy dialed the number of the clinic by memory, why had she memorized it so quickly? She was sure she didn't want to answer that question, the phone rang on the other end, "Dr. Lavery, please. Yes, this is Buffy Summers."

"Buffy, hello." Dana answered her phone.

"How is he this morning?" Buffy asked as she furiously chewed her bottom lip.

"Well, I think we've made some progress. Spike didn't sleep most of the night and was agitated we had to sedate him again. He was actually quite coherent for a couple of hours this morning though. He's asleep now. If you could come by at lunch, maybe you could talk to him, he's struggling to focus but it's a tiring him and when he started slipping he wanted to leave. Maybe you can talk to him and convince him to stay? Your opinion matters alot to him."

"Sure, I can come over at lunch. It's ten o'clock now. I'll be there about noon." Buffy hung up the phone.

***

"This bloody well won't work!!" Spike shouted at Nurse Sherry when she entered the room.

"What's wrong..Mr....Spike?" She asked as she watched him back away from her.

"If she wants me to stay here, this thing has got to go. The back doesn't close, everyone can see my bits and pieces!" Spike cursed as he tried to hold the wretched gown closed.

Dana and Buffy quickly headed to Spike's room at the sound of shouting, Buffy smiled despite herself at Spike's newfound modesty, "You never minded displaying your bits and pieces before." She laughed softly.

Dana watched the two blondes intently, not sure where this was going.

"That was...well these are strangers, aren't they?" He shook his head at her, "And you're enjoying this way too much." He sat down on the edge of the bed carefully arranging the gown behind him.

"Yes, I am enjoying this Spike, because," She turned to Dana and grinned, "Dr. Lavery this is the real Spike."

TBC