Authors Note: Sorry this is so short but I've been busy at work and getting ready for Thanksgiving. Thanks for all of the wonderful feedback ~ Andra
Buffy looked around the room trying to focus on anything but the doctor standing in front of her. Spike lowered his head playing with the edge of the bedspread.
Dana was persistent, "Well, is anyone going to answer my question? Do you two really think that you can go on without having this discussion. Because I don't, that one night seems to be the crux of," She looked at Buffy then, " 'both' of your problems."
Spike looked up and watched Buffy's face, she flushed slightly, "I'm not the one...."
Her voice faded even she knew it was a lame argument, turning to Spike, "Do you want to talk about it?" Her words were soft.
"Do you?" He answered her question with a question.
"Yes, she really does and so do you." Dana answered for Buffy as she opened her ever present notebook, "I'll even start for both of you."
Buffy settled herself comfortably on the bed next to Spike careful to not touch him. He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it tightly.
"First off, Buffy, Spike's attack left you terrified and it wasn't just the physical fear?" Dana asked seriously.
"I was scared, I was hurt and ......" Buffy started her voice trembling.
Spike's face turned even paler if that was possible, as he listened to her.
"What hurt you the most? When he pushed you down on the floor or.....after you subdued him?"
"I knew that I could....take him physically even though I was scared. What hurt more was..." She stopped again and took a deep breath then continued in an almost whisper, "Trust....the trust was gone. He said he loved me....and." Her voice broke and she couldn't finish the sentence.
"See thats why...you shouldn't make her talk about this." Spike pleaded, his eyes wet with unshed tears. His heart aching for Buffy,
Dana held up her hand to Spike, "Your turn is next, right now, just listen." She turned back to Buffy, "Are you okay?"
Buffy nodded her head. Dana took this as a sign to continue, "He said he loved you, but then he tried to do this horrible thing to you. Why?"
"Because I didn't love him....I used him, led him on, we both treated each other badly, he
knew what he did was wrong..." Buffy wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands.
"Do you think he wanted to hurt you?" Dana asked softly.
"No, it wasn't about hurting me, it was about us hurting each other. I know that now, that's why I forgave him." Buffy looked into Spike's eyes, "I forgave you." Tears ran down her cheeks.
"But you shou..." Spike started.
Dana cut him off quickly, "Before we get into should and shouldn't let me ask you some questions about that night." She took some tissue from the box by the bed and handed it to Buffy.
Spike sighed as he watched Buffy wiping her tearstained face "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked her, his eyes taking in her every movement.
Dana watched in fascination it seemed that when they were comforting each other they dissappeared into their own world as if no one else mattered. Somewhere under the rubble of what they had done to each other was a loving caring relationship, whether they realized it or not.
"I'm okay...it's just hard...getting it all out." Buffy sniffled, "Go ahead it's your turn."
Spike turned back to Dana, "Fine, ask away."
"When you went to Buffy's that night, did you go there with the intent to hurt her, to attack her like that?"
"No...I went to apologize and as you can see I messed that up well and proper." He sighed.
"But you didn't want to hurt her, did you?" The doctor prodded.
"No, I wanted to make her feel the same way I did. I went too far. She should have staked me then and there." Spike looked at Buffy, "I don't know how you can say you forgive me."
"Spike.." Buffy moved closer to him.
"Buffy, let me finish Spike's questions and then you can respond, okay?" Dana smiled at the small blonde sitting across from her.
"Okay." Buffy nodded her head.
"Spike. do you think you would ever try to hurt Buffy like that again?"
Spike stood up anger rising, "NO! I would never hurt her like that."
Dana smiled at him, "You didn't mean to hurt her then and you would never hurt her like that again, if Buffy understands this, then why shouldn't she forgive you?"
"Because....she just shouldn't." Spike began to pace in front of the bed.
"Do you trust Buffy?"
"Of course I do." He muttered.
"Well then if she has decided to forgive you and you trust her, then it's an offense to her if you don't accept her forgiveness. And while you're at it, maybe both of you should think about forgiving yourselves." Dana stood and shut her notebook, "I'm going to leave you alone now, Buffy I think it's best if you keep this visit short. Please think about what you've both said tonight." She nodded at them as she left the room.
****
Spike sat down in the chair across from Buffy, "She's pushy innit she?" He nodded towards the door that Dana had left through.
Buffy nodded in agreement, "She is......but she's right. Spike this isn't all about you. Oh, yes - I know you have a past but I think you can get through that. But this thing that happened with me...you have to let it go. I have."
"I do trust you, you know." He ran a tired hand through his hair, "But I worry about your judgment on this one."
Buffy smiled at him, "Don't worry." Standing she took his hand, "Spike I need to say something else since we're doing true confessions."
"What?" He looked apprehensive.
"I need you to forgive me for all the hurtful things I did to you." She looked directly into his eyes.
"Buffy...pet. You didn't have to ask...there's nothing to forgive." Spike tried to smile, she looked so sweet sitting there, her warm hand on his.
"How about when I beat you up in outside the police station?" She asked softly.
"You were upset."
"It still wasn't right." Buffy squeezed his hand, "I better go now before Dr. Lavery comes back with that notebook of hers. We probably both have a lot to think about." She let go of his hand and turned to leave.
"You'll be back?" He called after her.
"Of course, and I'll bring Dawn if it's okay?"
"Sure, bring the Niblet round." He gave her a half smile and waved as he watched her go.
He sat alone in the small room wondering if he could trust what he had heard Buffy say,
could she really have forgiven him? All those others in his past....would their ghosts ever forgive him too?
TBC
***
Buffy looked around the room trying to focus on anything but the doctor standing in front of her. Spike lowered his head playing with the edge of the bedspread.
Dana was persistent, "Well, is anyone going to answer my question? Do you two really think that you can go on without having this discussion. Because I don't, that one night seems to be the crux of," She looked at Buffy then, " 'both' of your problems."
Spike looked up and watched Buffy's face, she flushed slightly, "I'm not the one...."
Her voice faded even she knew it was a lame argument, turning to Spike, "Do you want to talk about it?" Her words were soft.
"Do you?" He answered her question with a question.
"Yes, she really does and so do you." Dana answered for Buffy as she opened her ever present notebook, "I'll even start for both of you."
Buffy settled herself comfortably on the bed next to Spike careful to not touch him. He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it tightly.
"First off, Buffy, Spike's attack left you terrified and it wasn't just the physical fear?" Dana asked seriously.
"I was scared, I was hurt and ......" Buffy started her voice trembling.
Spike's face turned even paler if that was possible, as he listened to her.
"What hurt you the most? When he pushed you down on the floor or.....after you subdued him?"
"I knew that I could....take him physically even though I was scared. What hurt more was..." She stopped again and took a deep breath then continued in an almost whisper, "Trust....the trust was gone. He said he loved me....and." Her voice broke and she couldn't finish the sentence.
"See thats why...you shouldn't make her talk about this." Spike pleaded, his eyes wet with unshed tears. His heart aching for Buffy,
Dana held up her hand to Spike, "Your turn is next, right now, just listen." She turned back to Buffy, "Are you okay?"
Buffy nodded her head. Dana took this as a sign to continue, "He said he loved you, but then he tried to do this horrible thing to you. Why?"
"Because I didn't love him....I used him, led him on, we both treated each other badly, he
knew what he did was wrong..." Buffy wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands.
"Do you think he wanted to hurt you?" Dana asked softly.
"No, it wasn't about hurting me, it was about us hurting each other. I know that now, that's why I forgave him." Buffy looked into Spike's eyes, "I forgave you." Tears ran down her cheeks.
"But you shou..." Spike started.
Dana cut him off quickly, "Before we get into should and shouldn't let me ask you some questions about that night." She took some tissue from the box by the bed and handed it to Buffy.
Spike sighed as he watched Buffy wiping her tearstained face "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked her, his eyes taking in her every movement.
Dana watched in fascination it seemed that when they were comforting each other they dissappeared into their own world as if no one else mattered. Somewhere under the rubble of what they had done to each other was a loving caring relationship, whether they realized it or not.
"I'm okay...it's just hard...getting it all out." Buffy sniffled, "Go ahead it's your turn."
Spike turned back to Dana, "Fine, ask away."
"When you went to Buffy's that night, did you go there with the intent to hurt her, to attack her like that?"
"No...I went to apologize and as you can see I messed that up well and proper." He sighed.
"But you didn't want to hurt her, did you?" The doctor prodded.
"No, I wanted to make her feel the same way I did. I went too far. She should have staked me then and there." Spike looked at Buffy, "I don't know how you can say you forgive me."
"Spike.." Buffy moved closer to him.
"Buffy, let me finish Spike's questions and then you can respond, okay?" Dana smiled at the small blonde sitting across from her.
"Okay." Buffy nodded her head.
"Spike. do you think you would ever try to hurt Buffy like that again?"
Spike stood up anger rising, "NO! I would never hurt her like that."
Dana smiled at him, "You didn't mean to hurt her then and you would never hurt her like that again, if Buffy understands this, then why shouldn't she forgive you?"
"Because....she just shouldn't." Spike began to pace in front of the bed.
"Do you trust Buffy?"
"Of course I do." He muttered.
"Well then if she has decided to forgive you and you trust her, then it's an offense to her if you don't accept her forgiveness. And while you're at it, maybe both of you should think about forgiving yourselves." Dana stood and shut her notebook, "I'm going to leave you alone now, Buffy I think it's best if you keep this visit short. Please think about what you've both said tonight." She nodded at them as she left the room.
****
Spike sat down in the chair across from Buffy, "She's pushy innit she?" He nodded towards the door that Dana had left through.
Buffy nodded in agreement, "She is......but she's right. Spike this isn't all about you. Oh, yes - I know you have a past but I think you can get through that. But this thing that happened with me...you have to let it go. I have."
"I do trust you, you know." He ran a tired hand through his hair, "But I worry about your judgment on this one."
Buffy smiled at him, "Don't worry." Standing she took his hand, "Spike I need to say something else since we're doing true confessions."
"What?" He looked apprehensive.
"I need you to forgive me for all the hurtful things I did to you." She looked directly into his eyes.
"Buffy...pet. You didn't have to ask...there's nothing to forgive." Spike tried to smile, she looked so sweet sitting there, her warm hand on his.
"How about when I beat you up in outside the police station?" She asked softly.
"You were upset."
"It still wasn't right." Buffy squeezed his hand, "I better go now before Dr. Lavery comes back with that notebook of hers. We probably both have a lot to think about." She let go of his hand and turned to leave.
"You'll be back?" He called after her.
"Of course, and I'll bring Dawn if it's okay?"
"Sure, bring the Niblet round." He gave her a half smile and waved as he watched her go.
He sat alone in the small room wondering if he could trust what he had heard Buffy say,
could she really have forgiven him? All those others in his past....would their ghosts ever forgive him too?
TBC
***