Buffy stood outside the front door, rubbing her face to remove the tear stains, there was no reason for Dawn to know she had been crying. Talking to Spike tonight had been possibly the worst torture she had ever endured, but oddly enough now that it was over she felt better, lighter then she had felt in a long time. She put a smile on her face and
entered the house, "Dawn, I'm home."
Dawn bounced out of the kitchen a sandwich in her hand.
"You're eating again?" Buffy grinned at the dark haired girl.
"I'm a growing girl." Dawn smiled in return as she took a bite of her sandwich, "How is
Spike?" She mumbled through peanut butter and jelly.
"He's better, I think, you want to go see him tomorrow?" Buffy asked as she sat down on the couch.
"You mean it?" Dawn sat down beside her.
"Yes, he wants to see you. We'll go after lunch tomorrow."
"Good! I'm so glad he's feeling better." Dawn finished her sandwich and stood up
yawning, "I'm gonna go to bed now, see you in the morning." She leaned over and kissed Buffy's cheek.
"Night." Buffy replied as she lay on the couch thinking about her earlier visit to the clinic.
Spike loved her still.....she could tell just by listening to him, under all of his self loathing he still loved her.....and she.......she...."cared" for him. That was it, 'cared' it couldn't be more then that, because that other word, the 'L' word carried far too much responsibilty.
She was his friend, she was a good friend - right? She was helping him...She closed her eyes as the earlier feeling of lightness was replaced by something much heavier...
She sat up in the bed, so much for feeling better, she should know better then to ever think so much - it only led to confusion when it came to her feelings for a certain vampire.
*******
Spike sat in the chair by the bed his legs stretched out up on the bed, his mind full of questions. Buffy forgave him? It seemed a miracle but when he remembered the sincerity in her voice, the look in her eyes. Was it possible.....did she feel...more? Stupid, stupid, don't get your hopes up....
Dana lightly knocked on the door to his room before sticking her head in, "Spike, can we talk?'
He pulled his legs from the bed and sat up in the chair, "Of course, might as well wring as much out of me as you can tonight." He gave her a serious smile.
"Well, actually I thought that you might want to clean up, I was going to show you the shower room and then we can talk, okay?" Dana smiled at him.
"That would be good, nice hot shower." He stood and followed her down the hall to
large room filled with shelves of fluffy towels and several shower stalls.
"When you get done, just come back to your room, I'll be there." She instructed him before leaving the room.
Spike undressed and stepped into a shower stall, turning on the water he adjusted the temperature until the steam filled the room, the hot water gently pelting his back. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually showered, seemed like a lifetime...or maybe just a 'soul' ago. So much has changed.....he thought as he opened the small bottle of shampoo on the small shelf in the shower and lathered his hair, he could tell it needed to be cut and he probably needed a dye job too. Buffy believed he could get through this......he would - for her he thought with a smile. A small voice creeped into his head.....but you need to do it for you.....she can't be counted on... NO! he wasn't going to let 'them' get to him. He quickly rinsed his hair and turned off the water, toweling off he looked at his clothes lying on the floor and shook his head, he wanted something clean, he needed clean.
Spike wrapped the towel around his waist and walked quickly down the hall to his room.
Dana was waiting for him, her mouth dropped open slightly when she saw his state of undress. Noticing the distressed look on his face, "Are you okay?," she asked as she stood.
"Umm....washed, I'm clean....washed it all away...." Spike shook his head trying to clear it, not now! Please...not now, he had been himself for a good part of the day, he didn't want to lose it now.
"Calm down, let's get you into some clean clothes and we'll talk," Dana found the bag that Buffy had brought and pulled out a pair of boxers, she also found a new gown in the drawer of the small dresser, "Here, step in the bathroom and put these on...can't have you running around in just a towel, it will distract my nurses." She smiled at him as she
opened the door to the small bathroom.
He stared blankly at her as he followed her instructions, the toilet was the only accessory in the small room. He sat down and began to pull on his boxers, "They aren't here, they aren't here." He chanted soflty as he put his arms through the sleeves of the gown.
Dana stood close to the door, "You okay in there?"
"I'm...okay." He stuttered as he stood and opened the door.
"Good, let's get you in the bed and we'll talk." Dana led him towards the bed and
helped to climb underneath the covers.
"Feeling better?" She asked as she opened her notebook once again.
"Some....seems like I have to fight myself to stay sane sometimes." He ran his hand through his hair.
"But you're getting better I can tell. I think part of that is the medicine I've been giving you. I'm going to give you some more tonight, see if it will help you sleep and keep the voices at bay, okay?"
"Fine." He nodded absently.
"I wanted to talk about what happened earlier... with Buffy?" She nodded her head at him, "How do you feel about that?"
"I....hated for her to have to remember that. It was so wrong..." Spike started chewing on his lip.
"It was hard for her...for both of you. But I think it's better now that its out in the open and
she did forgive you. You need to think about that, if Buffy forgave you then I think it's a sure bet that despite your past you can go on. It wasn't really you who did those things and you've fought that to become a better man. You need to think about that when the voices invade okay? Fight them as hard as you fought the monster, you can do it. I know you can, Buffy knows you can." She patted his arm, "I'm going to give you your meds now." She poured him a small glass of water and handed him two small tablets.
Spike took the tablets and swallowed them without argument, "I'll be back to check on you later. Tonight is my call night so I'll be here all night. Tomorrow I'd like you to meet Dr. Dawson, he's here on call when I'm not."
She smiled as she closed the door and left him alone with his thoughts. Spike closed his eyes hoping for sleep but it evaded him, he got out of bed, turned on the light and began to pace the room for what seemed like an hour before Dana stepped into the room, "Can't sleep?"
He turned to her, "No, doesn't seem that way."
"Do you play chess?" She asked leaning against the door.
"Not for a long time..but yeah I can play." He answered his forehead creasing with confusion, what did that have to do with anything?
"I'll go get the board and we'll play, maybe that will tire you out some and you can rest." She left the room and shortly returned with an old wood chess board with elegantly carved pieces.
Spike sat on the bed as she pulled the bed table between then and sat the board up on it, she took a seat on the other side. "It's a lovely board." Spike commented as he picked up the ebony king and held it in his hand.
"It was my grandfather's" She told him with a grin, "Do you want black or white?"
"Black of course for my black heart," He replied only half joking.
"My first rule in chess is that you can't talk like that, okay?" She replied quite seriously as she lined up the Ivory pieces in front of her.
"Okay, doctor. I'll keep the demeaning comments to myself." He told her as he lined up his own pieces.
"Now tell me about this Dawn person, Niblet as you call her?" She asked nonchalantly as she moved her first piece.
"What?" He asked as he moved his own piece.
"I want to know about her, you seem to care for her quite a bit. Might be easier if you loved her instead of Buffy." She carefully watched his expression.
Spike's eyes grew large, "She's sixteen years old! She's Buffy's little sister. I do love her but never like that!"
"What does age matter to you anyway, you're over a hundred years old." Dana moved her next piece.
"Niblet is like my sister, I took care of her when Buffy was gone....I promised....promised Buffy I would protect her." Spike made his next move, "Doesn't matter even if Dawn was older, Buffy's it for me."
"You love her that much?"
"Yes, got my soul back for her didn't I?" He rolled his eyes at her.
"Then there's another reason you should accept her forgiveness isn't it?" She smiled as she took one of his knights from the board.
"It's not quite as easy as all that." He frowned as he made his next move.
"It could be." She answered as she studied the board.
"I want to do it, I want to do it for her. But what if she can't, won't ever love me? Don't know if I can handle that....being 'just friends' with Buffy would be a different torture."
He then grunted triumphantly as he removed a white bishop from the board.
She moved another piece defensively, "I think I know the biggest part of your problem."
"And which of my problems did you choose as the biggest?" He asked sarcastically as
he moved another black piece on the board.
"You are scared of being sane, you're scared to let go of the guilt, those voices are a weird kind of comfort to you, you can use them as the reason why Buffy doesn't return your feelings, instead of putting that behind you and trying for an honest relationship with her. You think that being crazy is a better alternative to being without her." She looked him in the eye.
His eyes flashed with anger -"You know I think I'm ready for bed now." He pushed the table away and lie down.
"Okay, I'll just pick the board up and set it over here, "She carried the board to the dresser, "We'll finish the game "and" the discussion tomorrow." She turned off the light on her way out of the room.
As he lay in the bed he thought about Dr. Lavery's words, "Crazy with Buffy being here or sane without her, which was better?"
TBC
entered the house, "Dawn, I'm home."
Dawn bounced out of the kitchen a sandwich in her hand.
"You're eating again?" Buffy grinned at the dark haired girl.
"I'm a growing girl." Dawn smiled in return as she took a bite of her sandwich, "How is
Spike?" She mumbled through peanut butter and jelly.
"He's better, I think, you want to go see him tomorrow?" Buffy asked as she sat down on the couch.
"You mean it?" Dawn sat down beside her.
"Yes, he wants to see you. We'll go after lunch tomorrow."
"Good! I'm so glad he's feeling better." Dawn finished her sandwich and stood up
yawning, "I'm gonna go to bed now, see you in the morning." She leaned over and kissed Buffy's cheek.
"Night." Buffy replied as she lay on the couch thinking about her earlier visit to the clinic.
Spike loved her still.....she could tell just by listening to him, under all of his self loathing he still loved her.....and she.......she...."cared" for him. That was it, 'cared' it couldn't be more then that, because that other word, the 'L' word carried far too much responsibilty.
She was his friend, she was a good friend - right? She was helping him...She closed her eyes as the earlier feeling of lightness was replaced by something much heavier...
She sat up in the bed, so much for feeling better, she should know better then to ever think so much - it only led to confusion when it came to her feelings for a certain vampire.
*******
Spike sat in the chair by the bed his legs stretched out up on the bed, his mind full of questions. Buffy forgave him? It seemed a miracle but when he remembered the sincerity in her voice, the look in her eyes. Was it possible.....did she feel...more? Stupid, stupid, don't get your hopes up....
Dana lightly knocked on the door to his room before sticking her head in, "Spike, can we talk?'
He pulled his legs from the bed and sat up in the chair, "Of course, might as well wring as much out of me as you can tonight." He gave her a serious smile.
"Well, actually I thought that you might want to clean up, I was going to show you the shower room and then we can talk, okay?" Dana smiled at him.
"That would be good, nice hot shower." He stood and followed her down the hall to
large room filled with shelves of fluffy towels and several shower stalls.
"When you get done, just come back to your room, I'll be there." She instructed him before leaving the room.
Spike undressed and stepped into a shower stall, turning on the water he adjusted the temperature until the steam filled the room, the hot water gently pelting his back. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually showered, seemed like a lifetime...or maybe just a 'soul' ago. So much has changed.....he thought as he opened the small bottle of shampoo on the small shelf in the shower and lathered his hair, he could tell it needed to be cut and he probably needed a dye job too. Buffy believed he could get through this......he would - for her he thought with a smile. A small voice creeped into his head.....but you need to do it for you.....she can't be counted on... NO! he wasn't going to let 'them' get to him. He quickly rinsed his hair and turned off the water, toweling off he looked at his clothes lying on the floor and shook his head, he wanted something clean, he needed clean.
Spike wrapped the towel around his waist and walked quickly down the hall to his room.
Dana was waiting for him, her mouth dropped open slightly when she saw his state of undress. Noticing the distressed look on his face, "Are you okay?," she asked as she stood.
"Umm....washed, I'm clean....washed it all away...." Spike shook his head trying to clear it, not now! Please...not now, he had been himself for a good part of the day, he didn't want to lose it now.
"Calm down, let's get you into some clean clothes and we'll talk," Dana found the bag that Buffy had brought and pulled out a pair of boxers, she also found a new gown in the drawer of the small dresser, "Here, step in the bathroom and put these on...can't have you running around in just a towel, it will distract my nurses." She smiled at him as she
opened the door to the small bathroom.
He stared blankly at her as he followed her instructions, the toilet was the only accessory in the small room. He sat down and began to pull on his boxers, "They aren't here, they aren't here." He chanted soflty as he put his arms through the sleeves of the gown.
Dana stood close to the door, "You okay in there?"
"I'm...okay." He stuttered as he stood and opened the door.
"Good, let's get you in the bed and we'll talk." Dana led him towards the bed and
helped to climb underneath the covers.
"Feeling better?" She asked as she opened her notebook once again.
"Some....seems like I have to fight myself to stay sane sometimes." He ran his hand through his hair.
"But you're getting better I can tell. I think part of that is the medicine I've been giving you. I'm going to give you some more tonight, see if it will help you sleep and keep the voices at bay, okay?"
"Fine." He nodded absently.
"I wanted to talk about what happened earlier... with Buffy?" She nodded her head at him, "How do you feel about that?"
"I....hated for her to have to remember that. It was so wrong..." Spike started chewing on his lip.
"It was hard for her...for both of you. But I think it's better now that its out in the open and
she did forgive you. You need to think about that, if Buffy forgave you then I think it's a sure bet that despite your past you can go on. It wasn't really you who did those things and you've fought that to become a better man. You need to think about that when the voices invade okay? Fight them as hard as you fought the monster, you can do it. I know you can, Buffy knows you can." She patted his arm, "I'm going to give you your meds now." She poured him a small glass of water and handed him two small tablets.
Spike took the tablets and swallowed them without argument, "I'll be back to check on you later. Tonight is my call night so I'll be here all night. Tomorrow I'd like you to meet Dr. Dawson, he's here on call when I'm not."
She smiled as she closed the door and left him alone with his thoughts. Spike closed his eyes hoping for sleep but it evaded him, he got out of bed, turned on the light and began to pace the room for what seemed like an hour before Dana stepped into the room, "Can't sleep?"
He turned to her, "No, doesn't seem that way."
"Do you play chess?" She asked leaning against the door.
"Not for a long time..but yeah I can play." He answered his forehead creasing with confusion, what did that have to do with anything?
"I'll go get the board and we'll play, maybe that will tire you out some and you can rest." She left the room and shortly returned with an old wood chess board with elegantly carved pieces.
Spike sat on the bed as she pulled the bed table between then and sat the board up on it, she took a seat on the other side. "It's a lovely board." Spike commented as he picked up the ebony king and held it in his hand.
"It was my grandfather's" She told him with a grin, "Do you want black or white?"
"Black of course for my black heart," He replied only half joking.
"My first rule in chess is that you can't talk like that, okay?" She replied quite seriously as she lined up the Ivory pieces in front of her.
"Okay, doctor. I'll keep the demeaning comments to myself." He told her as he lined up his own pieces.
"Now tell me about this Dawn person, Niblet as you call her?" She asked nonchalantly as she moved her first piece.
"What?" He asked as he moved his own piece.
"I want to know about her, you seem to care for her quite a bit. Might be easier if you loved her instead of Buffy." She carefully watched his expression.
Spike's eyes grew large, "She's sixteen years old! She's Buffy's little sister. I do love her but never like that!"
"What does age matter to you anyway, you're over a hundred years old." Dana moved her next piece.
"Niblet is like my sister, I took care of her when Buffy was gone....I promised....promised Buffy I would protect her." Spike made his next move, "Doesn't matter even if Dawn was older, Buffy's it for me."
"You love her that much?"
"Yes, got my soul back for her didn't I?" He rolled his eyes at her.
"Then there's another reason you should accept her forgiveness isn't it?" She smiled as she took one of his knights from the board.
"It's not quite as easy as all that." He frowned as he made his next move.
"It could be." She answered as she studied the board.
"I want to do it, I want to do it for her. But what if she can't, won't ever love me? Don't know if I can handle that....being 'just friends' with Buffy would be a different torture."
He then grunted triumphantly as he removed a white bishop from the board.
She moved another piece defensively, "I think I know the biggest part of your problem."
"And which of my problems did you choose as the biggest?" He asked sarcastically as
he moved another black piece on the board.
"You are scared of being sane, you're scared to let go of the guilt, those voices are a weird kind of comfort to you, you can use them as the reason why Buffy doesn't return your feelings, instead of putting that behind you and trying for an honest relationship with her. You think that being crazy is a better alternative to being without her." She looked him in the eye.
His eyes flashed with anger -"You know I think I'm ready for bed now." He pushed the table away and lie down.
"Okay, I'll just pick the board up and set it over here, "She carried the board to the dresser, "We'll finish the game "and" the discussion tomorrow." She turned off the light on her way out of the room.
As he lay in the bed he thought about Dr. Lavery's words, "Crazy with Buffy being here or sane without her, which was better?"
TBC