Author's Note: The text in plain print are Buffy's thoughts, and the text in italicized print are Spike's thoughts.

"Torture"

There he is, in all his glory. I can sense him. He's right there . . . a few yards away . . . behind that door . . . coming closer . . .

I can't. I can't! I have to leave before you find me here.

But I don't want to leave . . .

There she is. My dear, sweet girl. I feel you, luv. You could be a mile away, but God, I can feel you . . . like you were only inches from my skin . . . Come to me, pet. Come to me and let me hold you.

Closer . . .

I have to run. I have to. I can't let you know; I can't let you think you have me. I can't let you know that you do.

I wish that I could tell you what you mean to me . . . that you are more than what I've said . . .

I will never tell you. I swear to God I will never tell you.

She's stopped moving now . . . I can sense your indecision, pet. You want me. You know it, I know it. You're just scared — no, I don't think scared is the right word. You're —

This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come here tonight. You know I'm here. I can't get out now.

Temptation is pulling me closer to you . . . closer than I've ever been to anyone . . . I wish I could stop coming here . . . but you know me now . . . I let you into my soul . . .

I wish I hadn't! I'm afraid to talk to my friends now . . . God, what would they think of me if they knew?

You were never scared, luv. You've always wanted me. You've always wanted that one person who'd always be on your side, who would always be the one to hold you and make it right.

I may not be the one you wanted to be all that, but I'm willing, luv. I would die for you if I could.

You do want me to be the one you trust. You do trust me, pet, but you don't want anyone to know.

I'm inside of you now. And you crave more. That's why you keep coming back, luv, why you're outside now. You love me, and I'm inside of you now.

But you're ashamed.

I can't go any further with this. It's making me insane! I can't talk to my friends . . . they don't know me anymore . . . I don't think they ever have . . .

And they never will. They never can. They wouldn't understand this, what I'm going through right now. No one does.

No one can.

You don't have to be ashamed around me, sweetheart. I know you. I know you inside and out and I still love you.

I've loved you so bloody long I don't remember life without you. Or rather, I don't want to remember.

You came into my life, luv, and ever since then I've wanted you. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I love you, and I need you.

And being without you is torture.

I can't stand this. I just want it to end. I want to go back to my life as it was before you, before all of this.

Being with you . . . You don't understand. You can't. You tell me you love me . . . You're beneath me.

I can never love you because being with you is torture.

I love you, and I need you. And being without you is torture.

I need the pain. I need the torture. I can never love you — but I need you, because —

I love you, and I need you. And —

Being with you is torture.

Being without you is torture.