Angel's funeral. Tons of angst, so be warned.
Chapter 14
The day seemed so ordinary. It was warm for October, and ordinarily, I would have been happy not to wear a heavy jacket and thick boots outside. But today, I would rather it had been pouring rain, or a raging blizzard. It just didn't seem right for the sun to be shining when Angel was dead.
We all gathered at the church, united in our grief. Roger and I had just broken up, but he hugged me when I entered. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
I nodded and stepped away. He meant well, but I couldn't deal with him right then. Angel's death was more than enough for me at the moment. If I thought about Roger as well, I was going to start crying right there in front of everyone.
It was a simple service. We sang some of Angel's favorite songs, and then we went around and said a few words about her. I went first, and told about how we met, and the skinhead punk who she put in his place. Mark talked about the time she gave directions to a group of tourists who had never seen a drag queen before. One by one, my friends remembered Angel, and as they went along, I got closer and closer to breaking down.
I didn't want to cry. Angel would have wanted us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. It was how she lived every day, not knowing how many days she had left. "Don't waste your life worrying about tomorrow," she always told me. "Live for today."
It was what she had taught me from the time I met her, two years ago, to the last time I saw her. It had been a mere two days ago, and although she had wasted away to practically nothing, and she was so weak and feeble, I had never seen her happier. "I'm safe and warm," she had told me. "I have a roof over my head, food on my plate. And I have someone to love me. I couldn't be more blessed than I already am."
That was what I always admired about Angel. How she could find the good in anything, even when she was staring death in the face.
"You're not even the tiniest bit upset about what happened? Everything you won't get to do?" I had to ask. Collins glared at me, and if Angel hadn't shushed him, I'm sure he would have given me some sort of reprimand.
"Of course I think about everything I'll miss out on," Angel replied quietly. "But I remind myself that most people spend their entire lives without actually living. I'm happy, Mimi. Not everyone can say that."
She got tired not long after that, and I had to go. I gently hugged her goodbye, afraid I would crush her frail body in my arms. Yesterday morning, I got a phone call from Collins. Angel had died in her sleep the night before. "I was with her the whole time," Collins assured me. "She never felt any pain."
Maureen was talking now. "You always said how lucky we were to be friends," she said, glancing over at Angel's casket. "But it was us, babe, who were the lucky ones."
I dropped my head, helpless against the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roger watching me from the next row over. I wanted him here with me. I wanted him to hold me. Tomorrow he could go on being mad at me, but right now, Angel was dead, and I needed him.
Our eyes met, and Roger looked away. I slumped back in my seat. Up front, Maureen had sat down and now Collins was talking, his words beautiful and full of emotion and making me cry even harder.
Someone sat down beside me. I looked up. Benny. He gently put his arm around me and I leaned against him, sobbing into his shoulder. Roger glared at us. Benny glared back. I kept on crying.
How was I supposed to do this? The only things that had kept me going this long had been Angel and Roger, and now I'd lost both of them. Someday, sooner than later, it would be me up in that casket. Would I have my friends around me when I died, like Angel had had? Would Roger stand up in front of everyone like Collins was now, tears running down his cheeks as he told the world that loving me was the best thing that ever happened to him? Of course he wouldn't. Not Roger. Not for me.
People began filing out of the church as the service ended. I remained huddling on my bench, not wanting to move, not wanting to go out and face a world without Angel.
"Mimi," Benny urged softly. "Come on. It's time to go."
"I can't do this without her, Benny," I whispered. "I just can't."
He took out his handkerchief and wiped my face. "Mimi, honey, Angel wouldn't want to see you like this."
I glanced up at the casket, and nodded. "She wouldn't. You're right."
"Come on," he urged, gently tugging me to my feet. "Let's get out of here."
"Can I say goodbye first?" I pleaded.
"Of course," he whispered, squeezing my shoulder and dropping a light kiss on my forehead. Ordinarily I would have been furious at him for taking a liberty like that, but it was comforting now. At least someone cared about me. I thought about Roger rushing out of the church, shooting a dirty look at me and Benny on the way, and felt the tears flood my eyes again.
I approached the coffin slowly, pausing for a moment to yank a rose out of one of the flower bouquets scattered about the church. "Hey," I whispered, gently placing the flower on top of the wooden box. "Hi, babe."
Why was I crying? That wasn't Angel in that box. Angel was somewhere else, somewhere better than this. Maybe she was a dancer at last, whirling around heaven in her pink tutu. A small smile flickered across my lips, then died as suddenly as it had come. "Angel, help me," I whimpered. "I'm so lost without you."
If this had been a movie, I would have felt a light breeze, or a warm glow, been given some indication that my best friend was still there with me. But there was nothing except the cool feel of the wood beneath my hands, the faint scent of carnations, and the awful realization that I had lost the two people who had meant the most to me. Sobs shook my body, tears ran down my face, and I felt Benny come up behind me and wrap me in his arms.
"It's okay," he whispered in my ear, his breath warm on my neck. "It's okay, Mimi. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
"I can't live without her, Benny," I sobbed into his shoulder. "I can't."
"I know you're hurting," he said softly, rubbing my shoulder gently. "You've lost someone special to you and you don't know how you can make it in a world without them. But you're not alone, Mimi. I'm here, and I'll always be here as long as you need me to be."
I wanted to believe that that would be enough. I knew Benny meant well, and I knew he cared for me. He did, in his own way. But what I needed and what Benny could give me were two different things. Then again, Benny was all I had, now that Angel was gone. In spite of everything, he did love me, and wasn't that what I needed right now?
"Thank you, Benny," I whispered, drawing back slightly and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
He touched my cheek gently. "I'll take care of you, Mimi," he promised. "And you won't have to worry anymore about Roger getting upset."
"What do you mean?" I asked, fishing a kleenex out of my pocket and blowing my nose.
Benny bit his lip nervously. "Oh, God. You haven't heard?"
"Heard what?" I demanded. "Benny, what is it?"
"Roger's leaving," he blurted out. "For Santa Fe. He's going tonight, right after it gets dark."
"What?" I repeated, still unable to comprehend what he was telling me. Roger couldn't be leaving. Roger would have told me. Wouldn't he? Or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he didn't want me to cause a scene. Or maybe he thought I wouldn't care. Maybe he didn't care.
"I heard from Mark that he sold his guitar last week," Benny continued, oblivious to my growing panic. "Apparently he bought a car and he wants to leave before the snow starts."
"Uh, yeah," I stuttered, unable to come up with a better response. "Benny, will you excuse me a moment?"
He caught my arm as I started out of the church. "You're going to see him, aren't you?"
"I have to talk to him," I pleaded. "Benny, please."
"All right," he gave in. "But I'm coming with you."
I knew this wouldn't be a good idea. I also knew I had no choice. I left the church, Benny trailing behind me, and started for the loft.