Not a lot to say. This section inspired by Goodbye, Love. Read and review. Thanks to Lola, Becca, and Elyse for their comments and encouragement. You guys rock.
Chapter 15
When I got to the loft, the door was partially ajar. I thought about knocking, then pushed it open. Honestly, Mimi, the guy's about to take off for the other side of the country without even telling you, and you're worried about being rude?
Roger looked startled at my sudden appearance. "Oh, hey."
Oh, hey? Was that all he could say? If he couldn't talk, then I would. "I heard you sold your guitar," I blurted out. Why was I so upset about this? It was only a guitar, after all. Just a few pieces of wood that Roger used to strum as he sang to me, and if I thought about this any more, I was going to be crying again.
Roger nodded. Dammit, why was he being so nonchalant about this? Didn't he care that this was breaking my heart? "I'm leaving for Santa Fe. Tonight." The door opened again, and Benny entered the apartment. Roger glared at him. "It's true you're with this yuppie scum?"
Benny put an arm around my shoulders and glared back. "You said you'd never speak to him again."
I pulled away, angry that he'd taken a liberty like that right in front of Roger. "Not now," I snapped.
"Who says that you have any say in who she says things to?" Maureen demanded. I hadn't seen her in the loft, but now I looked at her gratefully, glad there was one person at least on my side.
"Who says that you should stick your nose in other people's business?" Joanne shot at her.
"Yeah, really!" Roger yelled at Benny. "Who the fuck gave you the right to tell you Mimi I was leaving?"
"Maybe I wouldn't have had to if you'd told her yourself!" Benny shouted back.
"Benny, I can take care of myself," I snapped at him.
Roger rolled his eyes. "Bullshit. Every time anything goes wrong, you go running to Benny."
"Maybe I wouldn't have had to if you'd been there instead!" I screamed. "You know how much Angel meant to me! I've lost Angel and I've lost you and what else do I have?"
By this time everything had erupted into a huge screaming match. Roger was yelling at Benny, I was yelling at Roger, Maureen and Joanne were bickering, and poor Mark was desperately trying to make peace between all of us. I was the first one to see Collins standing in the doorway and fell silent. So did Roger and Benny, after a few moments. Joanne followed suit. Maureen continued shouting until Mark nudged her and whispered something in her ear.
I felt guilty when I saw the expression on Collins' face. He looked so...weary, I suppose was the best word for it. Like he'd lost the most important thing in his life, and after that, everything else just didn't matter. Boy, did I know how that felt.
He shook his head sadly. "You all promised you'd be cool today," he said quietly. "You said you wouldn't fight."
I stared at my feet. "I'm sorry, Collins."
He waved my apology away. "I can't believe she's gone. And now you're going--" He nodded in Roger's direction. "I never thought we'd end up like this."
I'd had just about enough of this. I hadn't been feeling so hot lately, and although that could have been because of my breakup with Roger, and Angel getting sicker, it could also mean that my time was running out. And if that was the case, then I'd be damned if I was going to spend my remaining time pleading with a man who no longer loved me.
I slipped out of the loft at the first available opportunity, Benny trailing along behind me. He held door open for me, and when he saw me shivering in the cold, offered me his jacket.
I touched his arm. "Benny, you've been very sweet, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I think I want to be alone for awhile."
"All right," he agreed. "But you take care of yourself, all right?"
At this point, I wouldn't have cared if I was run over by the next bus, but I could tell that Benny wasn't about to leave me alone if he didn't think I was going to be all right. "I'll be fine, Benny," I assured him, my voice filled with hope that I didn't feel. "Really."
He left me then, although not before insisting that I find him if I needed anything. I trudged down Avenue A, holding my coat tightly around me and wondering if the shivering was from the cold, or from something else. I hadn't been taking my AZT lately, not since things had started to sour with Roger. I could go to Life Support, but I didn't want to now that Angel was gone.
Okay, so it wasn't just me. It was really cold out here. I knew I should go back to my apartment, but I didn't feel like returning to the place Roger and I had spent so many nights together. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to think about him leaving me. Not like that. Not with our last words fighting, as always, about Benny.
I went back to my building, and began climbing the stairs. When I got to the third floor, I could have sworn I heard Roger's voice. It couldn't have been. Roger was on his way to Santa Fe. But there it was again. I crept up the stairs and crouched next to the door of the loft.
"Roger, I don't get it," Mark was saying. "I know you still love her, so why are you leaving?"
"Dammit, Mark, don't do this!" Roger exploded. "You know perfectly well why I can't stay."
"She loves you, Roger," Mark insisted. "Are you really jealous of Benny, or are you just afraid that she's getting weak?"
"Mimi did look pale," Roger admitted.
I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. Another tear trickled down my cheek. In the loft, Mark and Roger were still talking.
"She's running out of time, Roger! And if you're in Santa Fe when that happens, you'll never forgive yourself!"
"Fuck you, Mark," Roger spat. "Who are you to tell me what to do?"
And off they went, Roger accusing Mark of hiding in his work, Mark shooting back that at least he was the one of them to survive. I had just started to creep back to my apartment when the door flew open, and I found myself face to face with Roger.
He looked startled to see me. Then his eyes widened in horror. "You heard?"
I hated that he was leaving. I hated that I was still standing here, and I would *not* cry in front of him again. "Every word."
Roger began to reach out to me, then pulled his hand back.. "Mimi, I--"
"You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantee," I interrupted. "You don't want to watch me die."
"Please, Mimi--"
I took a step closer to him, put a tenative hand on his arm. "Roger, don't go," I pleaded. "It's us. We can make this work."
He pulled away as if I'd burned him. "Mimi, don't do this."
"I love you," I pleaded. "Roger, please, don't leave me."
"I have to." I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or to himself. "I have to find my song--"
"It's right here, Roger," I begged. "It's with us. Right now." I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my head against the back of his shoulder. He tore away and ran from the room.
Somehow Benny was here, trying to put his arm around me. I yanked away furiously. "Please don't touch me, understand I'm scared," I rambled, choking on the words as they spilled out of my mouth. "I need a place to go away.
"I know a place, a clinic," Mark offered.
"A rehab," Collins echoed. Was he here too? Where did all these people come from? Why were they here and Roger wasn't?
"Maybe," I sniffed, casting a desperate look at Benny. "Could you?"
He nodded. "I'll pay."
Benny would pay. I could get clean, start my life over again, and why wasn't any of this making me feel any better? Because I didn't want a new life without Roger there with me. He had left me because he couldn't forgive me for what I hadn't done, and because he didn't want to watch me die and all I wanted was to talk to Angel except Angel was dead.
I slumped against the wall down to the floor. There was something on the floor--one of Roger's shirts. Possibly one of the ones I'd thrown out the window as a joke on occasion when he took too long in the shower. It smelled like him. I clutched it to my chest and let the tears drop down onto it.
"Goodbye, love," I whispered.