Part 6 ^_^
"BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Shut up!" Lance protested.
"Loser man! Loser man! Can do anything a loser can," sang Pietro as he
repeatedly zipped out of range. "Loses girls, any size. Gets a pussy-
whippin' 'cause he ain't fly. Look-ooooooouuuuut, here comes the loser
maaaannnnnn..."
"Dunno which is more frightning, yo," said Todd. "The fact that he
knows that song, or the fact that he just made up those words."
"Knock it off," ordered Fred. "The guy's just had his heart broken."
"And his clothes stinked up, and a head full o' noodles, yo," Todd
helpfully supplied.
"Eh," said Tabby, who was filing her nails. "Watch me care."
"What's *that* supposed to mean?" said Fred.
Pietro went back to singing the 'loser man' song.
"It *means* that mudslide bought this on himself," said Tabby.
"Everything he gets from now on is *everything* he deserves. Treat a
girl like shit, she gets back at ya."
Someone knocked on the door, and the Brothrhood temporarily pretended
normalicy while Lance answered the door.
"Package for Mister Alvers," said the Fed Ex guy.
Lance signed for it and bought it in.
"We didn't order nuthin'," said Fred.
"Yo, but anythin' we can get fo' free is a bonus," said Todd. "What's
in it? Open it up, yo."
"No return address," noted Pietro. "Interesting. You sure it isn't a
bomb?"
"Nobody does that any more, Pie-pie," said Tabby, who was still filing
her nails on the couch. "Bombs are passe. Everybody who's *any*body is
sending Anthrax."
"Cute," said Lance, and cut the gaff holding the box closed.
{Pbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpblth!} Half the room was coated in
rancid noodles and discarded fish parts.
Tabitha, shielded by the couch, looked at the mess. "You *really*
pissed her off, Mudslide. If I was you, I'd do some major league sucking
up. And *now*."
{Ring ring}
"If that's Lance, I'm not home!"
Kurt rolled his eyes. Trust Kitty to use the rest of the Institute to
screen her calls. They really should get caller ID, one of these days.
He picked it up. "Hallo. Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters. Can
you be helped?"
"Fuck off, freakshow," said the voice on the other end.
"Hello, *Laaaaaannce*," he said, remaining cheery. "Du bist eine
bloede Kartoffel."
"I *said* fuck off. Put Kitty on. *Now*."
"Er. I think Kitty just left," he said, watching Kitty make frantic
no-no motions at him from the common room. From the looks of things,
another email home was being interrupted. "She said something about a
new boyfriend, I think."
That earned him a thumbs-up from Kitty.
"Her only boyfriend is *me*," said Lance. "And I *know* she's there
because she tells me *everything*! Now put her on, or I'll rock you."
Yawn. Deliberately loud, of course, so that Lance could hear it.
"Sorry, tremor-king, but she really isn't here. There's only *one* kitty
here, right now, and she doesn't want to talk to you either. Isn't that
right, kitty?" he said, and then imitated a few 'meow's down the phone
line.
Kitty was holding her laughter in with both hands. Logan, who'd been
hiding behind a newspaper, just glared at him with a raised eyebrow.
Kurt told him who was on the 'phone with a simple loser salute and a
pointing finger.
Lance, meanwhile, was coming up with a very educational string of
curses. Most of them would be impossible, even with years of training in
the Tantric Arts.
Logan got up and took the 'phone from Kurt. "Listen up, bub," he
growled. "Half-pint ain't home. And she ain't gonna *be* home whenever
you call. Got it?" There was a pause, and a slight rumbling of the
ground. "You even *try*, and I'll see you find out what your own spleen
looks like." He put the 'phone down and faked a look of puzzlement. "He
hung up on me. Wonder why..."
"Fuck." Lance slammed the 'phone down.
"Loser man! Loser man! Can do anything a --"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" {...rrrrrrrrrrrummmmmmmblllle...}
"I'llbequiet," Pietro sat on the carpet - which was something of a
mistake - and put both hands over his mouth.
"I'll - just be hiding in the back yard," said Todd as he backed away.
Tabitha was still filing her nails. "Don't tell me, let me guess. She
ain't home."
Fred offered a packet of tylenol. "You really aughta quit gettin'
angry, you know," he said. "This house ain't gonna hold up to much more
of that."
Lance took the tylenol, but ignored the advice. "How the heck did this
*happen*?"
"Well... lemme see," Tabitha began ticking off numbers on her fingers.
"You treated her like shit, you made her do all our homework, you bought
Quickie along on your dates, you blew her off - repeatedly. Uh... You
told her she looked like a skank when she was trying out a new 'do, you
said her butt looked big in those jeans, you bought *Todd* along on your
dates, you never hugged her..."
"Okay, okay, okay, I get the point. Shut up."
"Face it, mudslide. You've dug yourself deep."
"Great. So how do I dig myself back out again?"
"Two words: Peace offerings."
"What's that?" said Kitty as Rogue gave her a parcel.
"It's a package from Lance," said Rogue. "Whatever's in there, it
ain't my idea. They had to beg on their *knees* before I even got
interested in passin' that along."
"You know what's like, in it?"
"*No*. I don't pry."
Kitty risked opening the box to find some cheap plastic jewelery. It
wouldn't have cost fifty cents at a dollar shop. "Do you like, know if
Kurt's still around? I like, need his help to return this to sender."
{PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBLTH!}
The foul-smelling concoction dripped slowly off the ceiling, the
furniture, and the Brotherhood, who had been clustered around the
parcel.
"You know," said Tabby. "I think we should take this as a subtle
hint."
"You *think*?" said Lance.
"Hey, there's som'pin else in here," Todd fished it out, and opened the
box. "Aw, look, it's them cheap-ass earrings you bought her. And a
widdle poem."
Pietro took it and read it. "Roses are red/ And now so are you/ But I
made it okay/ Your smell matches you!"
"Cute." A fish head from the last explosion parted company with the
roof and landed on Lance's head. "*Reeeeeeeeeeal* cute."
"You know what they say, Mudslide," said Tabby. "Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned."
"They say that?" said Fred.
"Yep," Tabby grinned. "They also say -- DIBS ON THE BATHROOM!" and she
sped towards it.
"Hey!"
"No fair!"
"You use up all the hot water!"
"BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Shut up!" Lance protested.
"Loser man! Loser man! Can do anything a loser can," sang Pietro as he
repeatedly zipped out of range. "Loses girls, any size. Gets a pussy-
whippin' 'cause he ain't fly. Look-ooooooouuuuut, here comes the loser
maaaannnnnn..."
"Dunno which is more frightning, yo," said Todd. "The fact that he
knows that song, or the fact that he just made up those words."
"Knock it off," ordered Fred. "The guy's just had his heart broken."
"And his clothes stinked up, and a head full o' noodles, yo," Todd
helpfully supplied.
"Eh," said Tabby, who was filing her nails. "Watch me care."
"What's *that* supposed to mean?" said Fred.
Pietro went back to singing the 'loser man' song.
"It *means* that mudslide bought this on himself," said Tabby.
"Everything he gets from now on is *everything* he deserves. Treat a
girl like shit, she gets back at ya."
Someone knocked on the door, and the Brothrhood temporarily pretended
normalicy while Lance answered the door.
"Package for Mister Alvers," said the Fed Ex guy.
Lance signed for it and bought it in.
"We didn't order nuthin'," said Fred.
"Yo, but anythin' we can get fo' free is a bonus," said Todd. "What's
in it? Open it up, yo."
"No return address," noted Pietro. "Interesting. You sure it isn't a
bomb?"
"Nobody does that any more, Pie-pie," said Tabby, who was still filing
her nails on the couch. "Bombs are passe. Everybody who's *any*body is
sending Anthrax."
"Cute," said Lance, and cut the gaff holding the box closed.
{Pbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpblth!} Half the room was coated in
rancid noodles and discarded fish parts.
Tabitha, shielded by the couch, looked at the mess. "You *really*
pissed her off, Mudslide. If I was you, I'd do some major league sucking
up. And *now*."
{Ring ring}
"If that's Lance, I'm not home!"
Kurt rolled his eyes. Trust Kitty to use the rest of the Institute to
screen her calls. They really should get caller ID, one of these days.
He picked it up. "Hallo. Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters. Can
you be helped?"
"Fuck off, freakshow," said the voice on the other end.
"Hello, *Laaaaaannce*," he said, remaining cheery. "Du bist eine
bloede Kartoffel."
"I *said* fuck off. Put Kitty on. *Now*."
"Er. I think Kitty just left," he said, watching Kitty make frantic
no-no motions at him from the common room. From the looks of things,
another email home was being interrupted. "She said something about a
new boyfriend, I think."
That earned him a thumbs-up from Kitty.
"Her only boyfriend is *me*," said Lance. "And I *know* she's there
because she tells me *everything*! Now put her on, or I'll rock you."
Yawn. Deliberately loud, of course, so that Lance could hear it.
"Sorry, tremor-king, but she really isn't here. There's only *one* kitty
here, right now, and she doesn't want to talk to you either. Isn't that
right, kitty?" he said, and then imitated a few 'meow's down the phone
line.
Kitty was holding her laughter in with both hands. Logan, who'd been
hiding behind a newspaper, just glared at him with a raised eyebrow.
Kurt told him who was on the 'phone with a simple loser salute and a
pointing finger.
Lance, meanwhile, was coming up with a very educational string of
curses. Most of them would be impossible, even with years of training in
the Tantric Arts.
Logan got up and took the 'phone from Kurt. "Listen up, bub," he
growled. "Half-pint ain't home. And she ain't gonna *be* home whenever
you call. Got it?" There was a pause, and a slight rumbling of the
ground. "You even *try*, and I'll see you find out what your own spleen
looks like." He put the 'phone down and faked a look of puzzlement. "He
hung up on me. Wonder why..."
"Fuck." Lance slammed the 'phone down.
"Loser man! Loser man! Can do anything a --"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" {...rrrrrrrrrrrummmmmmmblllle...}
"I'llbequiet," Pietro sat on the carpet - which was something of a
mistake - and put both hands over his mouth.
"I'll - just be hiding in the back yard," said Todd as he backed away.
Tabitha was still filing her nails. "Don't tell me, let me guess. She
ain't home."
Fred offered a packet of tylenol. "You really aughta quit gettin'
angry, you know," he said. "This house ain't gonna hold up to much more
of that."
Lance took the tylenol, but ignored the advice. "How the heck did this
*happen*?"
"Well... lemme see," Tabitha began ticking off numbers on her fingers.
"You treated her like shit, you made her do all our homework, you bought
Quickie along on your dates, you blew her off - repeatedly. Uh... You
told her she looked like a skank when she was trying out a new 'do, you
said her butt looked big in those jeans, you bought *Todd* along on your
dates, you never hugged her..."
"Okay, okay, okay, I get the point. Shut up."
"Face it, mudslide. You've dug yourself deep."
"Great. So how do I dig myself back out again?"
"Two words: Peace offerings."
"What's that?" said Kitty as Rogue gave her a parcel.
"It's a package from Lance," said Rogue. "Whatever's in there, it
ain't my idea. They had to beg on their *knees* before I even got
interested in passin' that along."
"You know what's like, in it?"
"*No*. I don't pry."
Kitty risked opening the box to find some cheap plastic jewelery. It
wouldn't have cost fifty cents at a dollar shop. "Do you like, know if
Kurt's still around? I like, need his help to return this to sender."
{PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBLTH!}
The foul-smelling concoction dripped slowly off the ceiling, the
furniture, and the Brotherhood, who had been clustered around the
parcel.
"You know," said Tabby. "I think we should take this as a subtle
hint."
"You *think*?" said Lance.
"Hey, there's som'pin else in here," Todd fished it out, and opened the
box. "Aw, look, it's them cheap-ass earrings you bought her. And a
widdle poem."
Pietro took it and read it. "Roses are red/ And now so are you/ But I
made it okay/ Your smell matches you!"
"Cute." A fish head from the last explosion parted company with the
roof and landed on Lance's head. "*Reeeeeeeeeeal* cute."
"You know what they say, Mudslide," said Tabby. "Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned."
"They say that?" said Fred.
"Yep," Tabby grinned. "They also say -- DIBS ON THE BATHROOM!" and she
sped towards it.
"Hey!"
"No fair!"
"You use up all the hot water!"