Homecoming - 9/13/02
They had been orbiting earth for five full days while the business of their abrupt return home was addressed. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant had hardly prepared Kathryn Janeway for the endless technicalities and formalities she was wrestling with now. She longed for the simplicity of a harrowing battle with some xenophobic aliens. She was also keenly aware that this was far from over.
Home. She wasn't exactly sure what that meant anymore. Voyager had become home in all the ways that truly mattered. Their return to Earth had been so sudden there hadn't been any time to prepare or to ponder over what that return would bring. One minute they were being swallowed by a Borg sphere, fighting for their very lives, and the next they were within spitting distance of a goal they had thought still long out of reach.
Once the realization had set in, she had wanted nothing more than to see her family and in particular her mother. Unfortunately the business had gotten in the way almost from the very beginning. Starfleet had determined that it would be best for them to remain in orbit while they evaluated what to do with one very unique starship and her now thoroughly unconventional Captain and crew.
The briefings, communiqués, status reports, log reviews and interviews had been unending and completely exhausting. Her only reprieve being her standing dinner engagement with her First Officer. She and Chakotay had found it the only time that they could discuss the events of the day and plan tactics for any eventuality. Starfleet had not even hinted at how they would deal with the Maquis. That could be very good, or very bad, neither was sure what they would face and they wanted to be prepared.
A recent communication from Admiral Paris had provided some information. For at least the next several days, there would be no decisions. There were still too many things to do in securing the ship and her wealth of technological and scientific knowledge, in contacting all the families, and in handling the media attention.
Fortunately for Kathryn, Admiral Paris had been given a great deal of leeway in dealing with Voyager and specifically her Captain. He was part of the official Starfleet team assigned to securing the scientific knowledge Voyager had brought back from the Delta Quadrant. Earlier in the day, he had been in a meeting with her in her ready room discussing the alien and future technology that had been integrated into Voyager's systems when she received a recorded messaged from Gretchen Janeway. Starfleet was allowing only pre-recorded messages to be sent between the ship and the planet until they had dealt with all their security concerns. He had seen the emotion she tried unsuccessfully to hide as the transmission ended and it gave him and idea. He would have to pull some strings, but it would be worth it. That is if he could convince his one time protégé to allow her own needs to come first for a change, if only for a few hours.
=/\=
Several hours later, she sat alone in her ready room deep in thought. The Admiral had offered her something she didn't feel she could take advantage of in all fairness to her crew. There was so much to do. And it would be unfair of her to see her family when no one else on board would have the same opportunity and deserved it just as much. Then there was the fleeting thought in the dark recesses of her mind that she wasn't sure she could trust what Starfleet might do with her former Maquis if she were absent from the ship at a critical moment. There had been not the slightest hint that there would be a problem, but stranger things had happened.
The sound of her door chime broke her concentration. "Come in." She said as she retrieved a PADD from the surface of her desk.
Chakotay entered and moved to stand in front of her desk at attention.
Never taking her attention from the PADD in her hand she acknowledged her friend and closest confidant in this newest challenge to face the eclectic crew of the Starship Voyager. "What is it this time, Borg technology in the ship's systems have the headquarters types puzzled again?" She said grinning in spite of herself.
His amusement was clear in his chiseled features. "No, not this time. I just wanted to check in." He moved to sit in the chair in front of him and his tone and expression turned more serious. "Although there's the issue of my curiosity over the Admiral's visit. This is his first personal appearance since our return. Is there anything I should know?"
She looked up at him, her sympathy apparent in her expressive eyes. "No, there's nothing new to worry about. He was here to see me. A personal visit."
He looked suddenly concerned. "Then I repeat the question, is there something I should know?"
The friends looked at each other. She was grateful for his concern. The two of them had been there for each other for a long time. She felt he deserved an answer. "The Admiral made me an offer that I'm unfortunately unable to accept. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you."
"If you don't mind my asking, what kind of offer?"
"I can't tell you." She said, turning back to her PADD to avoid his scrutiny.
He reached over and pulled the PADD from her hand. "And why not?" He had a feeling this was something truly important so he tried to keep the mood playful. They had been in situations like this many times over the years and he knew he had a much better chance of getting the truth out of her if he kept things light.
She scowled at him in mock disgust. "Because you'll agree with the Admiral and I don't have the energy to fight off both of you at the same time."
"Me. agree with an Admiral. never." He stated simply but with the dimples fully visible.
Leaning back in her chair, she raised her feet to the top of her desk. "Don't play that game with me Commander, I mastered it a long time ago."
"And just exactly what game is that Captain?"
"The 'sweet and disarming may get me the information I want' game."
She was good, really good. And it really was part of her charm. "Ok, I give up, but it's obviously something important or you wouldn't be this evasive about it. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
There was a long silence while her gaze moved from his eyes to her hands in her lap and back again. She trusted him with her life. She trusted him with helping to maintain her sanity. The latter being the much more important. She was also keenly aware that now was not the time in their relationship to change things. They would need each other to get through whatever was left to this journey, whatever Starfleet would ultimately throw at them. "He offered me the chance to visit my mother." She said, surprising herself at the terse sound of her own voice.
He regarded her with a compassion she had not often seen so openly displayed. He reached his hand over the desk toward her and she reached forward to grasp it, twining her fingers with his. When he spoke, his voice was soft and low. "Then take that chance Kathryn."
"I can't Chakotay. No one else will have the same opportunity, and I don't like the idea of leaving all of you alone for however long I'm gone."
He smiled again and squeezed her hand. "Listen, you need this, maybe more than any of the rest of us. We'll all be jealous, but how could we possibly be resentful. You of all people have been the most alone through the last seven years, a combination of the reality of being the Captain and your own stubborn adherence to protocol and regulations. No one will begrudge you the chance to see your family. As a matter of fact they'd probably be annoyed with you for using them as an excuse not to go. Everyone on board knows what you've sacrificed on this trip. Do something for yourself for once. And besides, nothing is going to happen while your gone. As you said, they're still trying to wrap their minds around all our Borg technology, not too mention our resident Borg."
She was quiet for a moment as she composed herself, both grateful and embarrassed by his words. "I told you you'd agree with him. That's almost exactly what he said to me."
"Wise man that Admiral."
=/\=
Several hours later, the decision had been made. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was seated in a shuttle nervously smoothing the invisible wrinkles in her new dress uniform. She lifted her eyes from her hands to the viewport and sighed heavily as she took in the view. Her pilot was flying several hundred meters above the surface. The sight of a bright blue sky, scattered billowing clouds, and an endless sea of emerald green corn stalks greeted her. Yet in the midst of a sight she had longed to see for years, her heart felt too big for her chest and her palms were sweating. She silently berated herself for her nervousness. After all, this was her mother she was going to see not the Borg Queen. She chuckled to herself at the absurdity of that thought. She had been up close and personal with that particular individual on more that one occasion and was never this nervous.
"Something funny Captain?" Inquired the pilot. He was third year cadet from the academy. Owen Paris had arranged for him to shuttle her directly from Voyager to her mother's home in Indiana. It would be a surprise for Gretchen as well. Kathryn would have four hours to visit and then she would have to return to the ship.
She looked at him and smiled. "Oh it's nothing. Just some homecoming jitters. It's been a long time."
The cadet turned his attention back to his console, eye contact with a living legend suddenly making him timid. They all knew Voyager's story. Ever since contact had been made by the Doctor several years before, and then with the achievement of regular communications more recently, there were many in Starfleet, and especially those in the academy, that had been more than a little intrigued with their journey. While the jury was still out on the ultimate fate of Janeway and her band, there were many who saw her as larger than life, a kind of folk hero.
"I can imagine." The cadet replied, though he really had no idea what she meant.
They sat in silence for the remainder of the journey until Janeway spotted her childhood home rising over the edge of a vast cornfield. Immediately the old cliché about everything feeling somehow smaller when you returned home after a long time away came to mind. Of course the thought never crossed her mind that it could have anything to do with the fact that she had seen more of the universe than she or anyone else could ever have imagined. But it still held her imagination and her heart as that one place in the entire universe that she could always return to for love and comfort.
"Set it down over there cadet, I'll walk the rest of the way." Janeway pointed to a clearing near the side of the main road that marked the entrance to the tree-lined lane to the house.
"Yes Ma'am." He replied briskly. "Shall I meet you in the same place to return to the ship?"
"That will be fine." She answered as he set the shuttle gently in the ground. She rose from her seat and strode purposefully to the hatch, pressing the panel to allow it to open. "See you in four hours."
"Yes Ma'am." The cadet repeated. And before she knew it, she was alone, facing a several hundred yard walk to the house and her own chaotic emotions.
"One foot on front of the other Janeway." She told herself as she began to make her feet move.
=/\=
It was as if every step held a memory. Images of events of long ago. Good times with family and friends. Long walks with her father where they would talk of his work with Starfleet and he would challenge her with scientific problems to solve. These were pleasant memories of the man who had influenced so much of her life. So different from the alien who had tried to claim her for his own by impersonating her father. She wondered if there would ever come a time where she would be able to think of her father without the image being tainted by her near-death experience. For that matter she wondered if there would ever be a time when she would not measure most of the events in her life by a scale developed in the Delta Quadrant. Only time would tell.
And then she was there. The path opened through the trees to reveal the ancient white clapboard farmhouse that had been in her family for generations. It was well kept as always. Grass neatly trimmed, flower boxes and beds billowing with mature flowers, and plants adorning the house and yard. She took a moment to take it all in, breathe deeply of the crisp fresh air, and gather her courage.
Just then the barking of a dog interrupted her reverie. Looking to her right she saw a healthy, energetic bundle of red fur come bounding around the corner of the house. Janeway was immediately reminded of her dog Molly, even though she knew this animal to be far too young. The dog reached her, ceased it's highly vocal announcement of her presence, and sat down just out of reach, clearly not sure what to do with this stranger.
Kathryn knelt to the ground on one knee and held out her hand, palm up, for the dog to sniff and get to know her better. "It's ok girl." She said. "I'm just here to visit. Is that okay with you?"
The dog sniffed her hand, sat back and looked at her, cocking its head slightly to one side. There was the briefest of hesitation while the animal decided whether this was friend or foe, and then suddenly Kathryn had all she could do to keep from being knocked flat in the dog's attempt to get to know her newfound friend. Standing quickly, she brushed her white jacket free of some stray dog hair, scratched the dog behind the ears, and continued on toward the porch steps and the front door.
The distraction was enough for her to miss the fact that someone had opened the front door to see who or what had disturbed the family pet. Gretchen Janeway stood motionless behind the still closed screen door, just out of site of her visitor. She drew in a gulp of air as she recognized who it was immediately. There was no mistaking the walk, the somewhat unruly head of auburn hair, and the uniform. Her right hand went immediately to her mouth as her left arm wrapped around her body, hugging herself tightly, tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes.
Kathryn, her Kathryn, once thought dead and gone only to eventually be found very much alive, but so very far away. The one whom she had been told had finally returned only to be prevented from direct contact by Starfleet. The one for whom she had stood on the porch every night since Voyager's homecoming, scanning the star-filled sky for her ship, sending silent prayers to the wind and hoping, somehow, that her wayward daughter would feel her love and concern and find comfort in it. She could hardly breathe at the sight, her heart pounding in her chest.
Kathryn crossed the last few meters to the porch steps quickly, petting the dog all the way. A few steps more and she was at the door raising her eyes to where she knew the doorbell to be, and she froze. Now she saw that the main door was open and a woman was standing just beyond the screen.
Kathryn stood stock-still. Shock and surprise at the so longed for sight of her mother standing just out of reach. "Mom." she mouthed the word but not a sound emanated from her mouth.
And that was all it took. Gretchen pushed through the screen door and was clutching her daughter to her chest in seconds, the fierceness of the embrace taking Kathryn's breath away. She folded into her mother's arms as if she was five years old again and she felt safe and loved in a way that she hadn't in over seven years. Here she could be herself, here she could simply be Kathryn, the uniform of a Starfleet Captain nothing more than a pretense, an affectation. It felt wonderful.
Tears were flowing freely from both pairs of eyes as Gretchen slowly released her strangle hold on her oldest daughter just enough to lean back and look into her watery blue eyes. She reached up with her right hand to place it on the side of Kathryn's head, using her thumb to wipe away some of the moisture from her cheek. Neither woman spoke for what seemed an eternity, both content to stay right where they were after so long apart.
Kathryn marveled at the feeling of comfort that a simple hug from her mother always evoked. There was something about the relationship between a mother and a daughter that no matter how old the child, and no matter what had happened in her life, she became a little girl again in her mother's arms. Kathryn cherished every moment of it. She had missed that feeling. The feeling that it was okay to be that little girl again without the trappings and the responsibilities of the adult. It was a feeling of love, acceptance and trust that could not be duplicated in any other relationship. This woman knew her as no one else in the universe, knew what made her tick, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt who she was beneath the woman, the Captain, she allowed the rest of the world to see.
Finally someone broke the silence. "Oh honey, welcome home." Gretchen said, and the dam burst again.
Eventually they made their way to the oversized porch swing and sat. Kathryn with her arms wrapped around her mother's waist, her head resting on Gretchen's shoulder. Gretchen with one arm swung wide over her daughter and the other draped in front of her, resting on Kathryn's thigh. They stayed that way for a long time and even after they had both regained enough composure to speak. They made an interesting picture, the elder of the two in work clothes and apron, comforting the younger, a seasoned Starfleet Captain in full dress uniform.
Gretchen observed that her daughter seemed different, not that she was surprised by that, it had been seven long years. The description that came to mind was introspective but self-assured. There was definitely a difference in the way Kathryn carried herself. She moved with an easy grace, an economy of motion that had never been there before. Seven years ago her every movement was determined, almost choppy, now, the unmistakable Janeway carriage was still there, but with the rough edges smoothed out. The change in hairstyle also helped, it was more relaxed, less severe, and there were faint lines at the corners of her eyes, the bridge of her nose, and around her mouth that had never been there before. She was also somewhat thinner than she had been, although not to the point of looking unhealthy. Gretchen rubbed Kathryn's shoulder. "You've lost some weight."
Kathryn sighed heavily. "Seven years on a subsistence diet of black coffee will do that to a person Mom. Although I did manage to save enough replicator rations for caramel brownies once in a while."
"I hope you're not trying to tell me that the replicated version are as good as mine?" Gretchen inquired, trying and failing miserably to sound hurt by her daughter's comment. There was nothing in all the universe that could dampen the pure joy in her spirit at having her lost little girl home at last.
Kathryn had noticed a few things about her mother too. She seemed somewhat shorter and there was more gray in her hair to the point that it was almost completely white now, similar in color and style to the enigmatic Admiral from the future that had played such an integral role in their return home. It looked distinguished on her. Kathryn did the math in her head. Her mother would have passed into her early seventies while Kathryn was lost on the other side of the galaxy. Still not old by today's standards, but a milestone nonetheless. "You have nothing to fear Mom. The replicated version can't come close to yours. Let's just say it was my idea of comfort food. One of those small luxuries I allowed myself that always reminded me of where I came from and where I was trying to get back to."
Gretchen hugged her tighter to her shoulder. "I can't imagine what it was like for you out there all these years. I read each and every one of the letters you sent the last few years over and over, trying desperately to get a sense of what you were going through, what you were feeling, how you were handling it all. I only managed glimpses of the real you. You never really let me in."
Kathryn shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. "I didn't want you to worry."
Gretchen found that response humorous but kept her tone of voice serious anyway. "Kathryn Janeway, since the moment I discovered I was carrying you I began to worry. It's part of being a mother, a curse and a blessing rolled into one. Nothing you could ever do would change that."
Neither of them spoke for a minute or two and then Kathryn found she could hold back no longer. "There were so many things I wanted to tell you. So many times I would have given anything for your advice. But I was constantly worried that I'd say something that might be intercepted by Starfleet Command and interpreted the wrong way. They were too far away to help our situation in any way, but our ability to communicate put them close enough to pass judgement. They weren't there, and I was concerned they would never understand. The challenges were constant, I often had to bend the rules and there were times when I wondered whether we would ever make it through the next ten minutes much less all the way home."
"I'm so grateful that I had good people with me. The best. That helped more than you could know. We kept each other alive and we kept each other sane." She chuckled nervously and continued. "It often seemed like I needed that more than the rest of them. I spent a good portion of the last seven years keeping part of myself locked away in a closet so I could face each day." She raised her head to look directly into her mother's deep blue eyes, so like hers, a feature she had inherited from her and not her father, "But I want you to know, I never gave up on the ultimate goal. I never once questioned that our mission was to get home."
"And you have no idea how glad I am of that. I would have never expected any less from a daughter of mine." Gretchen said, a smile slowly broadening across her entire face.
It was at that moment that Kathryn realized something she had never really considered before. She had always thought herself to be more like her father. She had taken after him in her interest in science, in her desire to join and make a career of Starfleet. But that was a profession and an avocation, not what made her the person she was. A thought suddenly hit her like a warp core breach. The part of her that allowed her to stay focused and determined on her mission in the Delta Quadrant. Her strong yet compassionate and patient command style. Her willingness to sacrifice all for the people in her charge. None of that had come from her father. Not really.
All those years while her father had been away, it was her mother who had been there and who was the truly strong one. She had to be. She was taking care of the home, raising Kathryn and her sister Phoebe largely alone, dealing with a challenging career, all the while completely isolated for months and even years at a time from the comfort and council of the one she loved. Kathryn was truly her mother's daughter.
Gretchen noticed the intensity in her daughter's eyes turn inward and distant for a moment, "Honey?" she queried.
Kathryn snapped back to reality and looked back at her mother. "I'm fine Mom, just so glad to see you, to be able to be here. Owen Paris called in a lot of favors to allow me to have this chance and I almost passed on it. There's still so much that has to be worked out before Starfleet makes a final decision on our status."
Gretchen wasn't surprised to hear she had almost given away a chance to see her. She was proud of her daughter's sense of duty. "I'm glad you changed your mind."
"So am I."
"So what convinced you?"
Her first thought was 'The dimples.' And luckily she didn't say it out loud. Her mother would never understand her complex, intense, and completely platonic, relationship with her first officer. At least not until she had the time to properly describe him and explain what he meant to her. Instead she chose a safer choice of words. "Not what, who. My First Officer. Seems he wanted the ship to himself for a while. Something about redecorating in time for the welcome home party without interference from the Captain."
Gretchen smiled. It was so like her daughter to hide intense emotions behind humor and sarcasm. She looked forward to meeting this First Officer of hers. He must really be something. She was well aware that this was the very same man that Kathryn had been sent after in the first place. The initial announcement that Voyager and her crew were alive and well in the Delta Quadrant had carried with it news of the merging of a number of Maquis into the crew. The Janeway family connections with Starfleet had also allowed her access to information that the rest of the public did not have. Owen Paris had kept her informed of some of the finer details that he could glean for himself as well. He knew how worried Gretchen and Phoebe had been. They had never given up hope that Kathryn was still alive. Even when Starfleet had officially declared her ship and crew lost.
Kathryn had also alluded to the fact that there was much more to be resolved before anyone on Voyager would truly be allowed to come home. As the Captain of a ship lost for seven years, there would be intense scrutiny of the scientific and technical knowledge they had gained as well as her decisions and actions, all the while carrying the responsibility for the lives in her care. She would face lengthy debriefings that would take all her energy at a time when she needed to be sharp. She would need to have all her wits about her to defend and explain herself at a time when she would more than likely be distracted by trying to protect her crew. From the little that Gretchen knew of them, there would be difficult issues to deal with related to the Maquis, a former Borg drone that her daughter was obviously extremely fond of, and an EMH that had evolved far beyond his original programming. Starfleet would have a field day with those issues alone. It was a burden she knew her daughter would carry largely alone as she had everything else these seven long years.
"How long can you stay?" She asked.
Kathryn finally relaxed her grip on her mother and sat up, leaning her head back onto her mother's outstretched arm. "Only a couple of hours. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I understand. I'm so happy that you were able to at least have this time with me."
"Mom, you know it may be some time before I can come back don't you?" Kathryn didn't move. She only closed her eyes and attempted to relax, the weight of what she still faced pressing heavily on her trim shoulders. She had for some time been preparing herself for the worse, just in case. There was just as much of a chance that she would be chastised for violations of Starfleet regulations as she would be lauded as a hero. And it wasn't her situation that she was really worried about anyway. As her mother had suspected, she was much more preoccupied with what would happen to her crew and whether or not her actions would in any way effect them.
Gretchen swallowed her reaction to her daughter's uncharacteristic but obvious show of emotion as it emanated from every pore of her being. She knew Kathryn didn't need her mother's worry added to her already ample burden. "I know." She replied quietly.
Just then the dog that had been so predominant earlier reappeared. It bounded up the steps of the porch to the two women, unceremoniously plopping a soggy tennis ball in Kathryn's lap. Kathryn lifted her head and leaned forward to scratch the animal behind the ears. "And just who might you be?"
Gretchen grinned. Her daughter was in for a surprise. "This my dear is Katie, your namesake, and one of Molly's puppies. Mark gave her to me. Thought she might be good company."
Kathryn was thrilled. Tears of joy for the wonderful surprise mingling with those of long suppressed sorrow over losing Mark. She looked at her mother briefly and then dropped to her knees on the porch to fully embrace the furry bundle of energy. After a few moments she picked up the forgotten tennis ball, stood to her full height and tossed the ball onto the lawn.
"I should warn you, she rarely comes back with it right away. Seems she likes to get it as wet and muddy as possible before giving it back." Kathryn's now hairy and smudged uniform a vivid example.
Kathryn noticed where her mother had focused her gaze and looked down. "Well, I always wondered why they switched to white for the new dress uniforms. The command red hid a lot. I could dribble my wine at even the most formal of events and no one would notice. At least the junior officers have a darker panel in the front. Captain's have the dubious distinction of all white. Guess it makes us recognizable in more ways than one. I'll have to have a chat with the uniform design office when I get back." When she finally looked back up at her mother they both began to laugh, it felt wonderful.
Rising to her feet as well, Gretchen wrapped her arm through her daughter's and led her toward the door. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. Can't have you reporting back for duty looking like this."
They entered the house in silence, Kathryn slipping her arm from her mother's almost as soon as they had passed into the front room. So many memories came flooding back, some good, and some not so good, but all welcome, familiar. It was indeed good to be home.
=/\=
When they had entered the front room, Gretchen allowed her daughter to reminisce. She knew it was important for her. "Here, let me take that while you make yourself at home." She said, pointing at Kathryn's soiled garment.
"Oh, sure Mom, thanks." She replied as she unfastened her jacket and easily slid it off of her shoulders handing it to her mother.
It was then that Gretchen could more clearly see the physical effect of the last seven years on her oldest child. She was wearing a regulation Starfleet tank top under her jacket and it allowed an ample view of her torso and arms. She had indeed become thinner, but leaner as well, the muscles in her arms and the angle of her waist more pronounced, but not overly so, and it seemed to suit her somehow. She was instantly reminded that her daughter was indeed no longer a child but a mature woman in her mid-forties who had seen and experienced more than most would in a lifetime. As she reached for Kathryn's jacket, Gretchen also noticed a long and rather angry looking scar running diagonally across her left collarbone.
Kathryn noticed her mother's scrutiny and the object of her attention and moved forward a step to rest a reassuring hand on her mother's forearm. "It's fine Mom, really. It's just a momento of a recent encounter with an unfriendly alien race. I haven't found the time for the Doctor to handle the cosmetics. As a matter of fact, as soon as the EMH has a few minutes to review his files, I'm sure I'll receive a stern reprimand for not having it taken care of long ago. I guess we've all been a little preoccupied."
Gretchen Janeway reached up and touched the damaged skin and then, choosing not to pursue her curiosity for the moment, squeezed Kathryn's shoulder. "Why don't you meet me in the kitchen. I'll make you a cup of coffee while we get your jacket cleaned up."
"Sounds wonderful." They broke contact as they moved through the house by different paths. Kathryn through the main part of the house directly to the kitchen at the back while her mother went to the laundry room to deal with the dog hair and mud on her daughter's uniform. Holding the stiff fabric in her hands, she moved two fingers over the Captain's pips reverently before removing them, almost mimicking the motion she had just used on Kathryn's skin. Both a vivid reminder of just how lucky she was to have her back home.
Life in Starfleet could be a dangerous and sacrificial one. No one knew that better than Gretchen Janeway. She had forever lost her husband to that life long ago. In that very same incident she had almost lost Kathryn, first to her devastating physical injuries, and later to the emotional upheaval of the experience. And then there had been Voyager's disappearance. She never lost hope that Kathryn was alive nor did she lose faith in her daughter's abilities, even though Starfleet had held a memorial service and relegated Voyager and her Captain to the annals of starship lore.
She was honest enough with herself to know that part of the fact she clung to the hope that Kathryn was still alive, out there, somewhere, was because she wasn't sure she had the strength to lay another sacrifice on the Starfleet altar. She had been truly devastated by the first reports of Voyager's disappearance, unable to even discuss it for months. To have Kathryn here, now, for as long as possible, was truly a gift. She quickly finished hanging the jacket in the sonic washer and made her way through the back hallway of the house to the kitchen.
=/\=
When she entered she found Kathryn already seated, a mug of hot black coffee tightly wrapped in her hands. She looked up as she heard her mother approach. "Don't worry Mom, it's the real thing. Promise." She said as she pointed to the old-fashioned coffeepot on the kitchen counter by the sink. "It's the one thing I can always get right from scratch."
Gretchen laughed out loud as she rounded the table to take her seat, briefly running her hand across Kathryn's shoulders and neck on the way past. She needed the contact after so long away from her and she knew her daughter did too. She had visited her on her first assignment as Captain on several occasions and witnessed Kathryn's need to be close to her staff, often resting a hand on an arm or a shoulder. It was another thing she had inherited from her mother.
Gretchen poured herself a cup from the carafe on the table and cut hers with cream. "So, what happens now? Has Starfleet given you any indication of how long they will keep you secluded in orbit?"
Janeway swallowed and placed her cup back on the table. "Nothing definitive I'm afraid. They're still keeping us pretty much in the dark. To be honest, I'm not sure they know what to do with us. They never expected us to show up at the front door so soon."
Gretchen chuckled to herself over her cup.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Something your father once said about the headquarters brass. Suffice it to say it wasn't very complementary. It was an analogy that had to do with a beautiful woman and a certain part of the male anatomy."
Kathryn promptly choked on her coffee. "Mother!"
Ignoring her daughter's outburst, she continued. "In a nutshell he felt they were. somewhat ineffective. Too much time in the office away from the real action."
Kathryn had never ceased to be surprised by her highly intelligent and witty mother. This was one of those times. And she dearly loved the feeling it evoked in her. "Leave it to Daddy to call it as he saw it. I just never knew he could be so. well, colorful."
The mood became suddenly somber again as both their thoughts strayed to Edward Janeway. "Your father would be proud of you Kathryn. Never doubt that." Gretchen finally said.
She looked her mother directly in the eyes and replied. "I know that now Mom. I've had a lot of time to reflect on things, evaluate what's important in life. If nothing else, I think the last seven years have given me some insight into how Daddy must have felt all those times he was away. Torn between his personal life and the duty he had sworn himself to. I understand the sacrifices he made for the greater good. What is it that Captain Spock once said, The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
".or the one." Her mother finished for her as she lowered her eyes toward the table top. "I'm very familiar with the quote, and the concept."
Kathryn reached her hand across the table to her mother and clasped her hand in much the same manner that Chakotay had with her hours before. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to reopen old wounds."
"You didn't honey. You didn't." It was a lie and Gretchen knew it. Kathryn had managed to wander into exactly the same territory that she had in her own mind only minutes before. "It's just ironic that after all this time you've come full circle. Not long before your father died, you were still carrying around a lot of resentment toward him and his career and the fact that it kept him away from you, from us. He hated it you know. He hated the effect it had on you in particular. He was devastated that you felt he wasn't proud of you. That his long absences had made the two of you doubt aspects of your relationship to each other."
Kathryn looked shocked. "He told you all that?"
Gretchen was a little taken aback by how naive her daughter the Starfleet Captain could seem when it came to this subject. "Of course he did. My God Kathryn, he was my husband and the father of my children. Do you think we were that distant to each other? You have no idea the struggle it was for him every time he walked out that door. It tore his heart out. But it was something he had to do. His innate integrity and his sense of honor made him the man he was and the man I loved. As you say, I think you might have a better understanding of what it was like for him now that you have had this experience."
There was a long silence as Kathryn contemplated this glimpse of her mother and father that she had never acknowledged before. There was so much she had missed of their relationship. She had been very young when her father had been called away the first time. From that day on, it seemed their entire life was one long succession of lengthy absences. At first she had been so busy with growing up that she hadn't paid much attention to her parent's private life. Later, she had simply been gone herself. Off to the academy and then to her first space assignments. By the time she and her fiancé Justin had been assigned to assist her father's design project on the Terra Nova, more years had passed in rapid succession, only this time it was as much her absences as his that sustained the distance between them.
From the fateful day of the test flight that took the lives of her father and Justin, her life was never to be the same. Her physical and emotional recovery from that event had taken months, and through that time she had taken her mother and sister for granted. She simply had been too self- absorbed to acknowledge the pain and loss her family, and particularly her mother must also have felt. She was also oblivious to the inner strength it took for the woman before her to deal with her own grief and at the same time devote herself so selflessly to her eldest daughter's recovery.
Suddenly she felt incredibly guilty for the grief she had inadvertently caused this woman over the years. It finally dawned on her what her mother had gone through. How could she have missed the parallels between her mother and her own life? She had truly loved Justin, her first intense and passionate relationship, and yet for such a brief period in her life. And then there was Mark. She had been in love with him too, but in such a different way than Justin. Mark was another thing she had analyzed during her time on the other side of the galaxy. He was sweet, loyal, intelligent, handsome. and safe. They had known each other for so long and so well that the relationship was comfortable, like a well-worn sweater. She had been happy with him too but the relationship with Mark had never challenged her the way that her time with Justin had. It had taken her such a long time to be willing to give her heart to someone after Justin. Mark had been so patient and understanding. Ironically, she had finally opened herself to the possibility of marriage and even a family just before leaving on Voyager. Mark had even gotten down on one knee and given her a ring. She had grieved the losses of both men intensely and for a long time. So she knew something of what her mother must have gone through, to be separated from, and to ultimately lose, the one you love.
Finally, she gripped her mother's hand tightly again, tears stinging the corners of her eyes. "Have I ever told you how much I love you Mom?"
Gretchen looked surprised. "You have dear. Maybe not directly very often, but you have. The fact that you were willing to take Owen's offer at a time like this, when I know how many other things you have on your mind, says it quite clearly."
"Well, I plan to say it more often."
It was hard for Gretchen to keep eye contact after that and her eyes traveled once again to Kathryn's shoulder and the scar. She had a suspicion that the last seven years had created several more, both on the inside as well as the outside. Those on the outside had more than likely been handled by the ship's doctor as she had alluded to earlier. She hoped those on the inside had been as neatly and efficiently healed. She sincerely doubted that was the case, knowing her daughter the way she did.
Kathryn was concerned at her mother's preoccupation with her injury. She really was fine, but this very visible evidence of the realities of the Delta Quadrant obviously had her mother concerned. "Mom, would you like to know what happened?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's just."
Kathryn had shielded her mother from much of what had gone on in the Delta Quadrant from the time they had re-established contact. She knew her mother would worry enough as it was without knowing all the gory details. There was also the fact that Kathryn had intentionally placed herself in harms way on more than one occasion, often taking significant risks with her life. She wasn't sure he mother would understand. Looking in her eyes now, maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was underestimating this woman and it was time to take a chance that could move their relationship to another level. "It's okay really, I'd like to tell you, although it's not much of a story."
Gretchen found that hard to believe. "I'd like to know Kathryn. I'd like to understand what it was like for you out there."
Kathryn nodded and began to tell her tale. "It was only a few days before the events that precipitated our arrival back in the Alpha Quadrant. We'd wandered into yet another hostile area of space without any warning. It was inhabited by a race of truly ugly aliens who fired first and never bothered to ask any questions. They had the advantage of surprise but at least we had the advantage of superior technology and speed. So exercising that discretion that is the better part of valor. we ran."
Kathryn paused briefly and looked at her mother who blessed her with a warm smile. "Glad to see you have more sense than bravado in that head of yours, at least this time. Go on."
Kathryn shook her head ever so slightly acknowledging that bravado had indeed come first from time to time in the seven years they were lost, but for now she would keep that to herself. "Well, there was only one problem. They got off a few lucky shots and we lost the shield integrity around decks one, two and three. Before we had the chance to outmaneuver them, we took a torpedo hit dead on the bridge. One of the support beams in the ceiling broke away while I was manning a console on the upper level. I heard Chakotay, my first officer, try to warn me, but there wasn't time to react. I looked up just in time to take the full force of the collapsing beam across my shoulder and chest." Kathryn looked at the table, momentarily loosing herself in her recollection.
Gretchen cringed at the thought of several hundred pounds of durasteel slamming into her daughter, but she retained her composure. "Then what happened?"
"Well, much of the rest of it is a blur. Chakotay and Tuvok began barking orders, trying to get us out of there, while Seven and Ensign Wildman were free enough to attend to me."
"Seven, that's the Borg drone you rescued isn't it?" Gretchen remembered her from Kathryn's letters. They seemed to be very attached.
"The very same. I was so proud of her. I remember she and Sam did everything they could for me while they awaited the doctor's arrival. They pulled me out from under the beam and attended to my injuries as best they could with an emergency medical kit. And of course I was frustrated to be incapacitated during a crisis and I kept trying to get back to my post. Seven held me down and tried to convince me to relax, that everything was under control. She was right. Within only a few minutes of my being hit, Chakotay had us out of there and in clear space. Then suddenly he was beside me on the floor, looking worried. The doctor arrived a few minutes later. I don't remember much after that. The Doctor said something about sickbay, and surgery, and then pressed a hypo to my neck."
Kathryn took a sip of her coffee and a cleansing breath. The injury had been intensely painful and there was a lot of blood to deal with. The Doctor had later credited Seven and Sam for their efforts stating that things would have been much more serious without their quick action. Swallowing hard she continued. "The next thing I remember was waking up in sickbay. I'd been there for about twelve hours while the Doctor patched me up. Seems I had several cracked ribs, a mild concussion from hitting the deck so hard, and this nasty gash on my shoulder to be dealt with." She shrugged her shoulder as if vividly remembering what it felt like at the time. "Part of the outer durasteel layer had fragmented in the explosion and a segment had lodged itself in my shoulder when the beam hit me. Knowing what a lousy patient I can be, he'd kept me sedated overnight to force me to rest and so he could treat me without my own interference. When I finally did come to, I gave him such a hard time about being there that he let me go on the promise I would return the following day so he could finish removing the scar tissue. I never found the time to get back down there before we encountered the Borg."
Her mother simply stared at her and then slowly shook her head, amazed at how nonchalant she appeared to be about a brush with death. This was obviously another side effect of seven years in largely hostile territory. But she was proud of her at the same time that her first thoughts were not for herself, but for her ship and her crew.
"I wish it was a better story. I wish I'd been doing something heroic, like leading a charge to save an innocent race from marauding Borg or something. You know a real melodramatic tearjerker. Instead, I was flat on my back when my crew needed me because of a freak accident."
There was so much Gretchen wanted to say. So much she wanted to know. And all because she wanted to help. She wanted to provide real comfort to her child, grown woman and Starfleet Captain be damned. Her maternal instincts were in hyperdrive. "Kathryn." The tears now ran unrestrained down her face so fast she released her grip on Kathryn's hand to wipe them away.
At the movement, Kathryn looked up to see the reaction her words had elicited from her mother. "Oh God Mom, I'm sorry, I guess I just got absorbed in my own story telling. I didn't come here to get you upset." She rose from her chair at the table and rounded to the other side, kneeling in front of her mother and clasping her hands in her own.
Gretchen looked deeply into her daughter's eyes and then released her hands to place them on either side of Kathryn's head. She pulled her toward her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, then moved back to again lock her gaze to Kathryn's. She had heard similar stories from her husband over the years. But Edward Janeway had never faced anything with the constancy and duration that his daughter had. Much of the time he was behind the lines, developing and perfecting warships, instead of flying them into battle. "Have I ever told you how much I love you Kathryn Janeway?"
Kathryn smiled through her own tears. "As a matter of fact you have, many times. But it's been a while since I heard it in person, and for the record, I never tire of hearing it."
The two women embraced again and remained that way for a long time until the muscles in Kathryn's legs began to give out from the awkward position they were in. She leaned slowly away from her mother and stood, still holding her hands in her own. "I wish I could stay Mom, but I really need to get back. No telling what that motley crew has been up to since I left. You have no idea what it's been like looking after them for the last seven years."
Her mother stood and gently touched the scar on her shoulder one last time. "I think I do honey, I think I do." Then she turned and went to the laundry room to retrieve Kathryn's dress uniform jacket.
=/\=
Returning with the now spotless garment draped over one arm, she found her daughter standing in the living room looking at a picture of the family from before her father had been killed. She leaned against the doorframe and watched her. In the picture, both Admiral Edward Janeway and his eldest daughter were in Starfleet uniforms, but Kathryn's was science blue then. She picked up the picture almost reverently, slowly stroking the glass of the frame with her thumb. She remembered when it had been taken. The day she had been released from Starfleet medical with a clean bill of health after her ordeal with the Cardassians while she was serving on the Al Batani. Her entire family had made the trip and had been there for her. The ability to have all of them in one place at the same time a rare occurrence in those days. Then her eyes moved from the picture to a shadow box on the wall containing her father's insignia and commendations. His rank bars and medals were displayed proudly along with a holo-image of him in his dress uniform. She stared at the picture and began to whisper. "I made it Daddy, I really made it. All the way home. "
Gretchen had heard what her daughter had said and it warmed her heart. Kathryn was obviously very serious about the fact that she had made peace with herself and her father's memory over the last several years. Her little girl was all grown up now. No longer simply a brilliant young woman with a wealth of charisma and the fearlessness for command, she was a mature adult who obviously deserved to wear the uniform Gretchen held in her hands. Standing there in silence she was again confronted with the fact that there was a different feeling about Kathryn now, from the way she carried herself, to the way she spoke, to the depth of emotion in her eyes. Gretchen smiled to herself as if she came to realize one of the reasons that this woman had probably made it home with all the hostile races she had encountered, not the least of which had been the Borg. The word that stuck in her mind was formidable. God help the Starfleet brass who dared to go head to head with her. They had no idea what they were up against.
Before Kathryn could notice that her mother was watching her, Gretchen spoke, "Here's your jacket."
Her reverie broken, Kathryn turned to face her mother and retrieved her jacket. She gracefully slipped it on over her shoulders and fastened it at the front. Gretchen watched intently for any sign of discomfort from the shoulder wound, but there was none. Kathryn smoothed the front of her jacket one last time and then looked up at her mother with a broad smile on her face. "There, official once more. Thanks Mom."
"You are most welcome Captain. I've had my fair share of experience with officers in uniform, remember."
Kathryn chose her words carefully, as a sign of respect. No matter how many pips or bars she would ever wear on her collar, this woman deserved more than mere words could ever convey. She locked her eyes with her mother's, "Yes Ma'am I do."
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, neither knowing exactly what to say, neither wanting to be the one that ended the visit. In the end, neither did. They simply locked arms and walked back outside to the porch just in time to see the shuttle settle at the end of the lane. They turned to face each other one last time and hugged each other close. There would be time together later. For now, Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager, had a duty to perform. Her mother had no doubt she would settle things with her ship, her crew, and herself, and come home for some much needed rest. "You deserve that uniform you wear Kathryn. Always remember that." Gretchen said into her daughter's ear as they embraced.
This time Kathryn pulled away and reached up to hold her mother's head in her hands, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on her forehead and then rest her own there, skin to skin with the woman who had given her life.
Just then Katie arrived with a truly slimy and discolored tennis ball which she dropped between their feet. Kathryn broke away from her mother to pat the dog on the head. "Next time girl. I promise." The dog simply looked back at her with her beautiful brown eyes and wagged her tail. Using the interruption as her cue, Kathryn started to move down the stairs, slowly releasing her last contact with her mother's hand as she pulled away. "I'll be back soon."
"You'd better, or all those caramel brownies I'm about to start baking will go to waste."
Kathryn made eye contact with Gretchen one last time, smiled, waved and then turned away.
Gretchen watched her as she walked away, her shoulders squared and her head held high, until the last hint of the brilliant white of her jacket no longer stood out against the green of the corn and the trees lining the lane. No more than two minutes later the shuttle lifted into the sky. When it could no longer be seen, Gretchen was soon in her kitchen, searching for all the required ingredients for the truly enormous batch of caramel brownies she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would be baking in the near future.
THE END
Author's note: There is a relationship between a mother and a daughter that only they can ever understand. Particularly when that relationship has been shaped and molded by fate, tragedy, love and faith. This is for my own mom who left this life far too early and who I have only come to truly understand in the years since her death as I have continued my journey without her. Many of my accomplishments seem somehow lessened by the fact that she isn't here to share them with. Many of the things I do, and the way I do them, are a direct result of her unconditional love and support and in many ways are still to make her proud. My understanding and respect for my mother only grows deeper as I live out my life and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. Kathryn Janeway and her long separation from her family, and especially her mother, gave me the opportunity to write about it in even a small way.
They had been orbiting earth for five full days while the business of their abrupt return home was addressed. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant had hardly prepared Kathryn Janeway for the endless technicalities and formalities she was wrestling with now. She longed for the simplicity of a harrowing battle with some xenophobic aliens. She was also keenly aware that this was far from over.
Home. She wasn't exactly sure what that meant anymore. Voyager had become home in all the ways that truly mattered. Their return to Earth had been so sudden there hadn't been any time to prepare or to ponder over what that return would bring. One minute they were being swallowed by a Borg sphere, fighting for their very lives, and the next they were within spitting distance of a goal they had thought still long out of reach.
Once the realization had set in, she had wanted nothing more than to see her family and in particular her mother. Unfortunately the business had gotten in the way almost from the very beginning. Starfleet had determined that it would be best for them to remain in orbit while they evaluated what to do with one very unique starship and her now thoroughly unconventional Captain and crew.
The briefings, communiqués, status reports, log reviews and interviews had been unending and completely exhausting. Her only reprieve being her standing dinner engagement with her First Officer. She and Chakotay had found it the only time that they could discuss the events of the day and plan tactics for any eventuality. Starfleet had not even hinted at how they would deal with the Maquis. That could be very good, or very bad, neither was sure what they would face and they wanted to be prepared.
A recent communication from Admiral Paris had provided some information. For at least the next several days, there would be no decisions. There were still too many things to do in securing the ship and her wealth of technological and scientific knowledge, in contacting all the families, and in handling the media attention.
Fortunately for Kathryn, Admiral Paris had been given a great deal of leeway in dealing with Voyager and specifically her Captain. He was part of the official Starfleet team assigned to securing the scientific knowledge Voyager had brought back from the Delta Quadrant. Earlier in the day, he had been in a meeting with her in her ready room discussing the alien and future technology that had been integrated into Voyager's systems when she received a recorded messaged from Gretchen Janeway. Starfleet was allowing only pre-recorded messages to be sent between the ship and the planet until they had dealt with all their security concerns. He had seen the emotion she tried unsuccessfully to hide as the transmission ended and it gave him and idea. He would have to pull some strings, but it would be worth it. That is if he could convince his one time protégé to allow her own needs to come first for a change, if only for a few hours.
=/\=
Several hours later, she sat alone in her ready room deep in thought. The Admiral had offered her something she didn't feel she could take advantage of in all fairness to her crew. There was so much to do. And it would be unfair of her to see her family when no one else on board would have the same opportunity and deserved it just as much. Then there was the fleeting thought in the dark recesses of her mind that she wasn't sure she could trust what Starfleet might do with her former Maquis if she were absent from the ship at a critical moment. There had been not the slightest hint that there would be a problem, but stranger things had happened.
The sound of her door chime broke her concentration. "Come in." She said as she retrieved a PADD from the surface of her desk.
Chakotay entered and moved to stand in front of her desk at attention.
Never taking her attention from the PADD in her hand she acknowledged her friend and closest confidant in this newest challenge to face the eclectic crew of the Starship Voyager. "What is it this time, Borg technology in the ship's systems have the headquarters types puzzled again?" She said grinning in spite of herself.
His amusement was clear in his chiseled features. "No, not this time. I just wanted to check in." He moved to sit in the chair in front of him and his tone and expression turned more serious. "Although there's the issue of my curiosity over the Admiral's visit. This is his first personal appearance since our return. Is there anything I should know?"
She looked up at him, her sympathy apparent in her expressive eyes. "No, there's nothing new to worry about. He was here to see me. A personal visit."
He looked suddenly concerned. "Then I repeat the question, is there something I should know?"
The friends looked at each other. She was grateful for his concern. The two of them had been there for each other for a long time. She felt he deserved an answer. "The Admiral made me an offer that I'm unfortunately unable to accept. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you."
"If you don't mind my asking, what kind of offer?"
"I can't tell you." She said, turning back to her PADD to avoid his scrutiny.
He reached over and pulled the PADD from her hand. "And why not?" He had a feeling this was something truly important so he tried to keep the mood playful. They had been in situations like this many times over the years and he knew he had a much better chance of getting the truth out of her if he kept things light.
She scowled at him in mock disgust. "Because you'll agree with the Admiral and I don't have the energy to fight off both of you at the same time."
"Me. agree with an Admiral. never." He stated simply but with the dimples fully visible.
Leaning back in her chair, she raised her feet to the top of her desk. "Don't play that game with me Commander, I mastered it a long time ago."
"And just exactly what game is that Captain?"
"The 'sweet and disarming may get me the information I want' game."
She was good, really good. And it really was part of her charm. "Ok, I give up, but it's obviously something important or you wouldn't be this evasive about it. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
There was a long silence while her gaze moved from his eyes to her hands in her lap and back again. She trusted him with her life. She trusted him with helping to maintain her sanity. The latter being the much more important. She was also keenly aware that now was not the time in their relationship to change things. They would need each other to get through whatever was left to this journey, whatever Starfleet would ultimately throw at them. "He offered me the chance to visit my mother." She said, surprising herself at the terse sound of her own voice.
He regarded her with a compassion she had not often seen so openly displayed. He reached his hand over the desk toward her and she reached forward to grasp it, twining her fingers with his. When he spoke, his voice was soft and low. "Then take that chance Kathryn."
"I can't Chakotay. No one else will have the same opportunity, and I don't like the idea of leaving all of you alone for however long I'm gone."
He smiled again and squeezed her hand. "Listen, you need this, maybe more than any of the rest of us. We'll all be jealous, but how could we possibly be resentful. You of all people have been the most alone through the last seven years, a combination of the reality of being the Captain and your own stubborn adherence to protocol and regulations. No one will begrudge you the chance to see your family. As a matter of fact they'd probably be annoyed with you for using them as an excuse not to go. Everyone on board knows what you've sacrificed on this trip. Do something for yourself for once. And besides, nothing is going to happen while your gone. As you said, they're still trying to wrap their minds around all our Borg technology, not too mention our resident Borg."
She was quiet for a moment as she composed herself, both grateful and embarrassed by his words. "I told you you'd agree with him. That's almost exactly what he said to me."
"Wise man that Admiral."
=/\=
Several hours later, the decision had been made. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was seated in a shuttle nervously smoothing the invisible wrinkles in her new dress uniform. She lifted her eyes from her hands to the viewport and sighed heavily as she took in the view. Her pilot was flying several hundred meters above the surface. The sight of a bright blue sky, scattered billowing clouds, and an endless sea of emerald green corn stalks greeted her. Yet in the midst of a sight she had longed to see for years, her heart felt too big for her chest and her palms were sweating. She silently berated herself for her nervousness. After all, this was her mother she was going to see not the Borg Queen. She chuckled to herself at the absurdity of that thought. She had been up close and personal with that particular individual on more that one occasion and was never this nervous.
"Something funny Captain?" Inquired the pilot. He was third year cadet from the academy. Owen Paris had arranged for him to shuttle her directly from Voyager to her mother's home in Indiana. It would be a surprise for Gretchen as well. Kathryn would have four hours to visit and then she would have to return to the ship.
She looked at him and smiled. "Oh it's nothing. Just some homecoming jitters. It's been a long time."
The cadet turned his attention back to his console, eye contact with a living legend suddenly making him timid. They all knew Voyager's story. Ever since contact had been made by the Doctor several years before, and then with the achievement of regular communications more recently, there were many in Starfleet, and especially those in the academy, that had been more than a little intrigued with their journey. While the jury was still out on the ultimate fate of Janeway and her band, there were many who saw her as larger than life, a kind of folk hero.
"I can imagine." The cadet replied, though he really had no idea what she meant.
They sat in silence for the remainder of the journey until Janeway spotted her childhood home rising over the edge of a vast cornfield. Immediately the old cliché about everything feeling somehow smaller when you returned home after a long time away came to mind. Of course the thought never crossed her mind that it could have anything to do with the fact that she had seen more of the universe than she or anyone else could ever have imagined. But it still held her imagination and her heart as that one place in the entire universe that she could always return to for love and comfort.
"Set it down over there cadet, I'll walk the rest of the way." Janeway pointed to a clearing near the side of the main road that marked the entrance to the tree-lined lane to the house.
"Yes Ma'am." He replied briskly. "Shall I meet you in the same place to return to the ship?"
"That will be fine." She answered as he set the shuttle gently in the ground. She rose from her seat and strode purposefully to the hatch, pressing the panel to allow it to open. "See you in four hours."
"Yes Ma'am." The cadet repeated. And before she knew it, she was alone, facing a several hundred yard walk to the house and her own chaotic emotions.
"One foot on front of the other Janeway." She told herself as she began to make her feet move.
=/\=
It was as if every step held a memory. Images of events of long ago. Good times with family and friends. Long walks with her father where they would talk of his work with Starfleet and he would challenge her with scientific problems to solve. These were pleasant memories of the man who had influenced so much of her life. So different from the alien who had tried to claim her for his own by impersonating her father. She wondered if there would ever come a time where she would be able to think of her father without the image being tainted by her near-death experience. For that matter she wondered if there would ever be a time when she would not measure most of the events in her life by a scale developed in the Delta Quadrant. Only time would tell.
And then she was there. The path opened through the trees to reveal the ancient white clapboard farmhouse that had been in her family for generations. It was well kept as always. Grass neatly trimmed, flower boxes and beds billowing with mature flowers, and plants adorning the house and yard. She took a moment to take it all in, breathe deeply of the crisp fresh air, and gather her courage.
Just then the barking of a dog interrupted her reverie. Looking to her right she saw a healthy, energetic bundle of red fur come bounding around the corner of the house. Janeway was immediately reminded of her dog Molly, even though she knew this animal to be far too young. The dog reached her, ceased it's highly vocal announcement of her presence, and sat down just out of reach, clearly not sure what to do with this stranger.
Kathryn knelt to the ground on one knee and held out her hand, palm up, for the dog to sniff and get to know her better. "It's ok girl." She said. "I'm just here to visit. Is that okay with you?"
The dog sniffed her hand, sat back and looked at her, cocking its head slightly to one side. There was the briefest of hesitation while the animal decided whether this was friend or foe, and then suddenly Kathryn had all she could do to keep from being knocked flat in the dog's attempt to get to know her newfound friend. Standing quickly, she brushed her white jacket free of some stray dog hair, scratched the dog behind the ears, and continued on toward the porch steps and the front door.
The distraction was enough for her to miss the fact that someone had opened the front door to see who or what had disturbed the family pet. Gretchen Janeway stood motionless behind the still closed screen door, just out of site of her visitor. She drew in a gulp of air as she recognized who it was immediately. There was no mistaking the walk, the somewhat unruly head of auburn hair, and the uniform. Her right hand went immediately to her mouth as her left arm wrapped around her body, hugging herself tightly, tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes.
Kathryn, her Kathryn, once thought dead and gone only to eventually be found very much alive, but so very far away. The one whom she had been told had finally returned only to be prevented from direct contact by Starfleet. The one for whom she had stood on the porch every night since Voyager's homecoming, scanning the star-filled sky for her ship, sending silent prayers to the wind and hoping, somehow, that her wayward daughter would feel her love and concern and find comfort in it. She could hardly breathe at the sight, her heart pounding in her chest.
Kathryn crossed the last few meters to the porch steps quickly, petting the dog all the way. A few steps more and she was at the door raising her eyes to where she knew the doorbell to be, and she froze. Now she saw that the main door was open and a woman was standing just beyond the screen.
Kathryn stood stock-still. Shock and surprise at the so longed for sight of her mother standing just out of reach. "Mom." she mouthed the word but not a sound emanated from her mouth.
And that was all it took. Gretchen pushed through the screen door and was clutching her daughter to her chest in seconds, the fierceness of the embrace taking Kathryn's breath away. She folded into her mother's arms as if she was five years old again and she felt safe and loved in a way that she hadn't in over seven years. Here she could be herself, here she could simply be Kathryn, the uniform of a Starfleet Captain nothing more than a pretense, an affectation. It felt wonderful.
Tears were flowing freely from both pairs of eyes as Gretchen slowly released her strangle hold on her oldest daughter just enough to lean back and look into her watery blue eyes. She reached up with her right hand to place it on the side of Kathryn's head, using her thumb to wipe away some of the moisture from her cheek. Neither woman spoke for what seemed an eternity, both content to stay right where they were after so long apart.
Kathryn marveled at the feeling of comfort that a simple hug from her mother always evoked. There was something about the relationship between a mother and a daughter that no matter how old the child, and no matter what had happened in her life, she became a little girl again in her mother's arms. Kathryn cherished every moment of it. She had missed that feeling. The feeling that it was okay to be that little girl again without the trappings and the responsibilities of the adult. It was a feeling of love, acceptance and trust that could not be duplicated in any other relationship. This woman knew her as no one else in the universe, knew what made her tick, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt who she was beneath the woman, the Captain, she allowed the rest of the world to see.
Finally someone broke the silence. "Oh honey, welcome home." Gretchen said, and the dam burst again.
Eventually they made their way to the oversized porch swing and sat. Kathryn with her arms wrapped around her mother's waist, her head resting on Gretchen's shoulder. Gretchen with one arm swung wide over her daughter and the other draped in front of her, resting on Kathryn's thigh. They stayed that way for a long time and even after they had both regained enough composure to speak. They made an interesting picture, the elder of the two in work clothes and apron, comforting the younger, a seasoned Starfleet Captain in full dress uniform.
Gretchen observed that her daughter seemed different, not that she was surprised by that, it had been seven long years. The description that came to mind was introspective but self-assured. There was definitely a difference in the way Kathryn carried herself. She moved with an easy grace, an economy of motion that had never been there before. Seven years ago her every movement was determined, almost choppy, now, the unmistakable Janeway carriage was still there, but with the rough edges smoothed out. The change in hairstyle also helped, it was more relaxed, less severe, and there were faint lines at the corners of her eyes, the bridge of her nose, and around her mouth that had never been there before. She was also somewhat thinner than she had been, although not to the point of looking unhealthy. Gretchen rubbed Kathryn's shoulder. "You've lost some weight."
Kathryn sighed heavily. "Seven years on a subsistence diet of black coffee will do that to a person Mom. Although I did manage to save enough replicator rations for caramel brownies once in a while."
"I hope you're not trying to tell me that the replicated version are as good as mine?" Gretchen inquired, trying and failing miserably to sound hurt by her daughter's comment. There was nothing in all the universe that could dampen the pure joy in her spirit at having her lost little girl home at last.
Kathryn had noticed a few things about her mother too. She seemed somewhat shorter and there was more gray in her hair to the point that it was almost completely white now, similar in color and style to the enigmatic Admiral from the future that had played such an integral role in their return home. It looked distinguished on her. Kathryn did the math in her head. Her mother would have passed into her early seventies while Kathryn was lost on the other side of the galaxy. Still not old by today's standards, but a milestone nonetheless. "You have nothing to fear Mom. The replicated version can't come close to yours. Let's just say it was my idea of comfort food. One of those small luxuries I allowed myself that always reminded me of where I came from and where I was trying to get back to."
Gretchen hugged her tighter to her shoulder. "I can't imagine what it was like for you out there all these years. I read each and every one of the letters you sent the last few years over and over, trying desperately to get a sense of what you were going through, what you were feeling, how you were handling it all. I only managed glimpses of the real you. You never really let me in."
Kathryn shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. "I didn't want you to worry."
Gretchen found that response humorous but kept her tone of voice serious anyway. "Kathryn Janeway, since the moment I discovered I was carrying you I began to worry. It's part of being a mother, a curse and a blessing rolled into one. Nothing you could ever do would change that."
Neither of them spoke for a minute or two and then Kathryn found she could hold back no longer. "There were so many things I wanted to tell you. So many times I would have given anything for your advice. But I was constantly worried that I'd say something that might be intercepted by Starfleet Command and interpreted the wrong way. They were too far away to help our situation in any way, but our ability to communicate put them close enough to pass judgement. They weren't there, and I was concerned they would never understand. The challenges were constant, I often had to bend the rules and there were times when I wondered whether we would ever make it through the next ten minutes much less all the way home."
"I'm so grateful that I had good people with me. The best. That helped more than you could know. We kept each other alive and we kept each other sane." She chuckled nervously and continued. "It often seemed like I needed that more than the rest of them. I spent a good portion of the last seven years keeping part of myself locked away in a closet so I could face each day." She raised her head to look directly into her mother's deep blue eyes, so like hers, a feature she had inherited from her and not her father, "But I want you to know, I never gave up on the ultimate goal. I never once questioned that our mission was to get home."
"And you have no idea how glad I am of that. I would have never expected any less from a daughter of mine." Gretchen said, a smile slowly broadening across her entire face.
It was at that moment that Kathryn realized something she had never really considered before. She had always thought herself to be more like her father. She had taken after him in her interest in science, in her desire to join and make a career of Starfleet. But that was a profession and an avocation, not what made her the person she was. A thought suddenly hit her like a warp core breach. The part of her that allowed her to stay focused and determined on her mission in the Delta Quadrant. Her strong yet compassionate and patient command style. Her willingness to sacrifice all for the people in her charge. None of that had come from her father. Not really.
All those years while her father had been away, it was her mother who had been there and who was the truly strong one. She had to be. She was taking care of the home, raising Kathryn and her sister Phoebe largely alone, dealing with a challenging career, all the while completely isolated for months and even years at a time from the comfort and council of the one she loved. Kathryn was truly her mother's daughter.
Gretchen noticed the intensity in her daughter's eyes turn inward and distant for a moment, "Honey?" she queried.
Kathryn snapped back to reality and looked back at her mother. "I'm fine Mom, just so glad to see you, to be able to be here. Owen Paris called in a lot of favors to allow me to have this chance and I almost passed on it. There's still so much that has to be worked out before Starfleet makes a final decision on our status."
Gretchen wasn't surprised to hear she had almost given away a chance to see her. She was proud of her daughter's sense of duty. "I'm glad you changed your mind."
"So am I."
"So what convinced you?"
Her first thought was 'The dimples.' And luckily she didn't say it out loud. Her mother would never understand her complex, intense, and completely platonic, relationship with her first officer. At least not until she had the time to properly describe him and explain what he meant to her. Instead she chose a safer choice of words. "Not what, who. My First Officer. Seems he wanted the ship to himself for a while. Something about redecorating in time for the welcome home party without interference from the Captain."
Gretchen smiled. It was so like her daughter to hide intense emotions behind humor and sarcasm. She looked forward to meeting this First Officer of hers. He must really be something. She was well aware that this was the very same man that Kathryn had been sent after in the first place. The initial announcement that Voyager and her crew were alive and well in the Delta Quadrant had carried with it news of the merging of a number of Maquis into the crew. The Janeway family connections with Starfleet had also allowed her access to information that the rest of the public did not have. Owen Paris had kept her informed of some of the finer details that he could glean for himself as well. He knew how worried Gretchen and Phoebe had been. They had never given up hope that Kathryn was still alive. Even when Starfleet had officially declared her ship and crew lost.
Kathryn had also alluded to the fact that there was much more to be resolved before anyone on Voyager would truly be allowed to come home. As the Captain of a ship lost for seven years, there would be intense scrutiny of the scientific and technical knowledge they had gained as well as her decisions and actions, all the while carrying the responsibility for the lives in her care. She would face lengthy debriefings that would take all her energy at a time when she needed to be sharp. She would need to have all her wits about her to defend and explain herself at a time when she would more than likely be distracted by trying to protect her crew. From the little that Gretchen knew of them, there would be difficult issues to deal with related to the Maquis, a former Borg drone that her daughter was obviously extremely fond of, and an EMH that had evolved far beyond his original programming. Starfleet would have a field day with those issues alone. It was a burden she knew her daughter would carry largely alone as she had everything else these seven long years.
"How long can you stay?" She asked.
Kathryn finally relaxed her grip on her mother and sat up, leaning her head back onto her mother's outstretched arm. "Only a couple of hours. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I understand. I'm so happy that you were able to at least have this time with me."
"Mom, you know it may be some time before I can come back don't you?" Kathryn didn't move. She only closed her eyes and attempted to relax, the weight of what she still faced pressing heavily on her trim shoulders. She had for some time been preparing herself for the worse, just in case. There was just as much of a chance that she would be chastised for violations of Starfleet regulations as she would be lauded as a hero. And it wasn't her situation that she was really worried about anyway. As her mother had suspected, she was much more preoccupied with what would happen to her crew and whether or not her actions would in any way effect them.
Gretchen swallowed her reaction to her daughter's uncharacteristic but obvious show of emotion as it emanated from every pore of her being. She knew Kathryn didn't need her mother's worry added to her already ample burden. "I know." She replied quietly.
Just then the dog that had been so predominant earlier reappeared. It bounded up the steps of the porch to the two women, unceremoniously plopping a soggy tennis ball in Kathryn's lap. Kathryn lifted her head and leaned forward to scratch the animal behind the ears. "And just who might you be?"
Gretchen grinned. Her daughter was in for a surprise. "This my dear is Katie, your namesake, and one of Molly's puppies. Mark gave her to me. Thought she might be good company."
Kathryn was thrilled. Tears of joy for the wonderful surprise mingling with those of long suppressed sorrow over losing Mark. She looked at her mother briefly and then dropped to her knees on the porch to fully embrace the furry bundle of energy. After a few moments she picked up the forgotten tennis ball, stood to her full height and tossed the ball onto the lawn.
"I should warn you, she rarely comes back with it right away. Seems she likes to get it as wet and muddy as possible before giving it back." Kathryn's now hairy and smudged uniform a vivid example.
Kathryn noticed where her mother had focused her gaze and looked down. "Well, I always wondered why they switched to white for the new dress uniforms. The command red hid a lot. I could dribble my wine at even the most formal of events and no one would notice. At least the junior officers have a darker panel in the front. Captain's have the dubious distinction of all white. Guess it makes us recognizable in more ways than one. I'll have to have a chat with the uniform design office when I get back." When she finally looked back up at her mother they both began to laugh, it felt wonderful.
Rising to her feet as well, Gretchen wrapped her arm through her daughter's and led her toward the door. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. Can't have you reporting back for duty looking like this."
They entered the house in silence, Kathryn slipping her arm from her mother's almost as soon as they had passed into the front room. So many memories came flooding back, some good, and some not so good, but all welcome, familiar. It was indeed good to be home.
=/\=
When they had entered the front room, Gretchen allowed her daughter to reminisce. She knew it was important for her. "Here, let me take that while you make yourself at home." She said, pointing at Kathryn's soiled garment.
"Oh, sure Mom, thanks." She replied as she unfastened her jacket and easily slid it off of her shoulders handing it to her mother.
It was then that Gretchen could more clearly see the physical effect of the last seven years on her oldest child. She was wearing a regulation Starfleet tank top under her jacket and it allowed an ample view of her torso and arms. She had indeed become thinner, but leaner as well, the muscles in her arms and the angle of her waist more pronounced, but not overly so, and it seemed to suit her somehow. She was instantly reminded that her daughter was indeed no longer a child but a mature woman in her mid-forties who had seen and experienced more than most would in a lifetime. As she reached for Kathryn's jacket, Gretchen also noticed a long and rather angry looking scar running diagonally across her left collarbone.
Kathryn noticed her mother's scrutiny and the object of her attention and moved forward a step to rest a reassuring hand on her mother's forearm. "It's fine Mom, really. It's just a momento of a recent encounter with an unfriendly alien race. I haven't found the time for the Doctor to handle the cosmetics. As a matter of fact, as soon as the EMH has a few minutes to review his files, I'm sure I'll receive a stern reprimand for not having it taken care of long ago. I guess we've all been a little preoccupied."
Gretchen Janeway reached up and touched the damaged skin and then, choosing not to pursue her curiosity for the moment, squeezed Kathryn's shoulder. "Why don't you meet me in the kitchen. I'll make you a cup of coffee while we get your jacket cleaned up."
"Sounds wonderful." They broke contact as they moved through the house by different paths. Kathryn through the main part of the house directly to the kitchen at the back while her mother went to the laundry room to deal with the dog hair and mud on her daughter's uniform. Holding the stiff fabric in her hands, she moved two fingers over the Captain's pips reverently before removing them, almost mimicking the motion she had just used on Kathryn's skin. Both a vivid reminder of just how lucky she was to have her back home.
Life in Starfleet could be a dangerous and sacrificial one. No one knew that better than Gretchen Janeway. She had forever lost her husband to that life long ago. In that very same incident she had almost lost Kathryn, first to her devastating physical injuries, and later to the emotional upheaval of the experience. And then there had been Voyager's disappearance. She never lost hope that Kathryn was alive nor did she lose faith in her daughter's abilities, even though Starfleet had held a memorial service and relegated Voyager and her Captain to the annals of starship lore.
She was honest enough with herself to know that part of the fact she clung to the hope that Kathryn was still alive, out there, somewhere, was because she wasn't sure she had the strength to lay another sacrifice on the Starfleet altar. She had been truly devastated by the first reports of Voyager's disappearance, unable to even discuss it for months. To have Kathryn here, now, for as long as possible, was truly a gift. She quickly finished hanging the jacket in the sonic washer and made her way through the back hallway of the house to the kitchen.
=/\=
When she entered she found Kathryn already seated, a mug of hot black coffee tightly wrapped in her hands. She looked up as she heard her mother approach. "Don't worry Mom, it's the real thing. Promise." She said as she pointed to the old-fashioned coffeepot on the kitchen counter by the sink. "It's the one thing I can always get right from scratch."
Gretchen laughed out loud as she rounded the table to take her seat, briefly running her hand across Kathryn's shoulders and neck on the way past. She needed the contact after so long away from her and she knew her daughter did too. She had visited her on her first assignment as Captain on several occasions and witnessed Kathryn's need to be close to her staff, often resting a hand on an arm or a shoulder. It was another thing she had inherited from her mother.
Gretchen poured herself a cup from the carafe on the table and cut hers with cream. "So, what happens now? Has Starfleet given you any indication of how long they will keep you secluded in orbit?"
Janeway swallowed and placed her cup back on the table. "Nothing definitive I'm afraid. They're still keeping us pretty much in the dark. To be honest, I'm not sure they know what to do with us. They never expected us to show up at the front door so soon."
Gretchen chuckled to herself over her cup.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Something your father once said about the headquarters brass. Suffice it to say it wasn't very complementary. It was an analogy that had to do with a beautiful woman and a certain part of the male anatomy."
Kathryn promptly choked on her coffee. "Mother!"
Ignoring her daughter's outburst, she continued. "In a nutshell he felt they were. somewhat ineffective. Too much time in the office away from the real action."
Kathryn had never ceased to be surprised by her highly intelligent and witty mother. This was one of those times. And she dearly loved the feeling it evoked in her. "Leave it to Daddy to call it as he saw it. I just never knew he could be so. well, colorful."
The mood became suddenly somber again as both their thoughts strayed to Edward Janeway. "Your father would be proud of you Kathryn. Never doubt that." Gretchen finally said.
She looked her mother directly in the eyes and replied. "I know that now Mom. I've had a lot of time to reflect on things, evaluate what's important in life. If nothing else, I think the last seven years have given me some insight into how Daddy must have felt all those times he was away. Torn between his personal life and the duty he had sworn himself to. I understand the sacrifices he made for the greater good. What is it that Captain Spock once said, The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
".or the one." Her mother finished for her as she lowered her eyes toward the table top. "I'm very familiar with the quote, and the concept."
Kathryn reached her hand across the table to her mother and clasped her hand in much the same manner that Chakotay had with her hours before. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to reopen old wounds."
"You didn't honey. You didn't." It was a lie and Gretchen knew it. Kathryn had managed to wander into exactly the same territory that she had in her own mind only minutes before. "It's just ironic that after all this time you've come full circle. Not long before your father died, you were still carrying around a lot of resentment toward him and his career and the fact that it kept him away from you, from us. He hated it you know. He hated the effect it had on you in particular. He was devastated that you felt he wasn't proud of you. That his long absences had made the two of you doubt aspects of your relationship to each other."
Kathryn looked shocked. "He told you all that?"
Gretchen was a little taken aback by how naive her daughter the Starfleet Captain could seem when it came to this subject. "Of course he did. My God Kathryn, he was my husband and the father of my children. Do you think we were that distant to each other? You have no idea the struggle it was for him every time he walked out that door. It tore his heart out. But it was something he had to do. His innate integrity and his sense of honor made him the man he was and the man I loved. As you say, I think you might have a better understanding of what it was like for him now that you have had this experience."
There was a long silence as Kathryn contemplated this glimpse of her mother and father that she had never acknowledged before. There was so much she had missed of their relationship. She had been very young when her father had been called away the first time. From that day on, it seemed their entire life was one long succession of lengthy absences. At first she had been so busy with growing up that she hadn't paid much attention to her parent's private life. Later, she had simply been gone herself. Off to the academy and then to her first space assignments. By the time she and her fiancé Justin had been assigned to assist her father's design project on the Terra Nova, more years had passed in rapid succession, only this time it was as much her absences as his that sustained the distance between them.
From the fateful day of the test flight that took the lives of her father and Justin, her life was never to be the same. Her physical and emotional recovery from that event had taken months, and through that time she had taken her mother and sister for granted. She simply had been too self- absorbed to acknowledge the pain and loss her family, and particularly her mother must also have felt. She was also oblivious to the inner strength it took for the woman before her to deal with her own grief and at the same time devote herself so selflessly to her eldest daughter's recovery.
Suddenly she felt incredibly guilty for the grief she had inadvertently caused this woman over the years. It finally dawned on her what her mother had gone through. How could she have missed the parallels between her mother and her own life? She had truly loved Justin, her first intense and passionate relationship, and yet for such a brief period in her life. And then there was Mark. She had been in love with him too, but in such a different way than Justin. Mark was another thing she had analyzed during her time on the other side of the galaxy. He was sweet, loyal, intelligent, handsome. and safe. They had known each other for so long and so well that the relationship was comfortable, like a well-worn sweater. She had been happy with him too but the relationship with Mark had never challenged her the way that her time with Justin had. It had taken her such a long time to be willing to give her heart to someone after Justin. Mark had been so patient and understanding. Ironically, she had finally opened herself to the possibility of marriage and even a family just before leaving on Voyager. Mark had even gotten down on one knee and given her a ring. She had grieved the losses of both men intensely and for a long time. So she knew something of what her mother must have gone through, to be separated from, and to ultimately lose, the one you love.
Finally, she gripped her mother's hand tightly again, tears stinging the corners of her eyes. "Have I ever told you how much I love you Mom?"
Gretchen looked surprised. "You have dear. Maybe not directly very often, but you have. The fact that you were willing to take Owen's offer at a time like this, when I know how many other things you have on your mind, says it quite clearly."
"Well, I plan to say it more often."
It was hard for Gretchen to keep eye contact after that and her eyes traveled once again to Kathryn's shoulder and the scar. She had a suspicion that the last seven years had created several more, both on the inside as well as the outside. Those on the outside had more than likely been handled by the ship's doctor as she had alluded to earlier. She hoped those on the inside had been as neatly and efficiently healed. She sincerely doubted that was the case, knowing her daughter the way she did.
Kathryn was concerned at her mother's preoccupation with her injury. She really was fine, but this very visible evidence of the realities of the Delta Quadrant obviously had her mother concerned. "Mom, would you like to know what happened?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's just."
Kathryn had shielded her mother from much of what had gone on in the Delta Quadrant from the time they had re-established contact. She knew her mother would worry enough as it was without knowing all the gory details. There was also the fact that Kathryn had intentionally placed herself in harms way on more than one occasion, often taking significant risks with her life. She wasn't sure he mother would understand. Looking in her eyes now, maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was underestimating this woman and it was time to take a chance that could move their relationship to another level. "It's okay really, I'd like to tell you, although it's not much of a story."
Gretchen found that hard to believe. "I'd like to know Kathryn. I'd like to understand what it was like for you out there."
Kathryn nodded and began to tell her tale. "It was only a few days before the events that precipitated our arrival back in the Alpha Quadrant. We'd wandered into yet another hostile area of space without any warning. It was inhabited by a race of truly ugly aliens who fired first and never bothered to ask any questions. They had the advantage of surprise but at least we had the advantage of superior technology and speed. So exercising that discretion that is the better part of valor. we ran."
Kathryn paused briefly and looked at her mother who blessed her with a warm smile. "Glad to see you have more sense than bravado in that head of yours, at least this time. Go on."
Kathryn shook her head ever so slightly acknowledging that bravado had indeed come first from time to time in the seven years they were lost, but for now she would keep that to herself. "Well, there was only one problem. They got off a few lucky shots and we lost the shield integrity around decks one, two and three. Before we had the chance to outmaneuver them, we took a torpedo hit dead on the bridge. One of the support beams in the ceiling broke away while I was manning a console on the upper level. I heard Chakotay, my first officer, try to warn me, but there wasn't time to react. I looked up just in time to take the full force of the collapsing beam across my shoulder and chest." Kathryn looked at the table, momentarily loosing herself in her recollection.
Gretchen cringed at the thought of several hundred pounds of durasteel slamming into her daughter, but she retained her composure. "Then what happened?"
"Well, much of the rest of it is a blur. Chakotay and Tuvok began barking orders, trying to get us out of there, while Seven and Ensign Wildman were free enough to attend to me."
"Seven, that's the Borg drone you rescued isn't it?" Gretchen remembered her from Kathryn's letters. They seemed to be very attached.
"The very same. I was so proud of her. I remember she and Sam did everything they could for me while they awaited the doctor's arrival. They pulled me out from under the beam and attended to my injuries as best they could with an emergency medical kit. And of course I was frustrated to be incapacitated during a crisis and I kept trying to get back to my post. Seven held me down and tried to convince me to relax, that everything was under control. She was right. Within only a few minutes of my being hit, Chakotay had us out of there and in clear space. Then suddenly he was beside me on the floor, looking worried. The doctor arrived a few minutes later. I don't remember much after that. The Doctor said something about sickbay, and surgery, and then pressed a hypo to my neck."
Kathryn took a sip of her coffee and a cleansing breath. The injury had been intensely painful and there was a lot of blood to deal with. The Doctor had later credited Seven and Sam for their efforts stating that things would have been much more serious without their quick action. Swallowing hard she continued. "The next thing I remember was waking up in sickbay. I'd been there for about twelve hours while the Doctor patched me up. Seems I had several cracked ribs, a mild concussion from hitting the deck so hard, and this nasty gash on my shoulder to be dealt with." She shrugged her shoulder as if vividly remembering what it felt like at the time. "Part of the outer durasteel layer had fragmented in the explosion and a segment had lodged itself in my shoulder when the beam hit me. Knowing what a lousy patient I can be, he'd kept me sedated overnight to force me to rest and so he could treat me without my own interference. When I finally did come to, I gave him such a hard time about being there that he let me go on the promise I would return the following day so he could finish removing the scar tissue. I never found the time to get back down there before we encountered the Borg."
Her mother simply stared at her and then slowly shook her head, amazed at how nonchalant she appeared to be about a brush with death. This was obviously another side effect of seven years in largely hostile territory. But she was proud of her at the same time that her first thoughts were not for herself, but for her ship and her crew.
"I wish it was a better story. I wish I'd been doing something heroic, like leading a charge to save an innocent race from marauding Borg or something. You know a real melodramatic tearjerker. Instead, I was flat on my back when my crew needed me because of a freak accident."
There was so much Gretchen wanted to say. So much she wanted to know. And all because she wanted to help. She wanted to provide real comfort to her child, grown woman and Starfleet Captain be damned. Her maternal instincts were in hyperdrive. "Kathryn." The tears now ran unrestrained down her face so fast she released her grip on Kathryn's hand to wipe them away.
At the movement, Kathryn looked up to see the reaction her words had elicited from her mother. "Oh God Mom, I'm sorry, I guess I just got absorbed in my own story telling. I didn't come here to get you upset." She rose from her chair at the table and rounded to the other side, kneeling in front of her mother and clasping her hands in her own.
Gretchen looked deeply into her daughter's eyes and then released her hands to place them on either side of Kathryn's head. She pulled her toward her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, then moved back to again lock her gaze to Kathryn's. She had heard similar stories from her husband over the years. But Edward Janeway had never faced anything with the constancy and duration that his daughter had. Much of the time he was behind the lines, developing and perfecting warships, instead of flying them into battle. "Have I ever told you how much I love you Kathryn Janeway?"
Kathryn smiled through her own tears. "As a matter of fact you have, many times. But it's been a while since I heard it in person, and for the record, I never tire of hearing it."
The two women embraced again and remained that way for a long time until the muscles in Kathryn's legs began to give out from the awkward position they were in. She leaned slowly away from her mother and stood, still holding her hands in her own. "I wish I could stay Mom, but I really need to get back. No telling what that motley crew has been up to since I left. You have no idea what it's been like looking after them for the last seven years."
Her mother stood and gently touched the scar on her shoulder one last time. "I think I do honey, I think I do." Then she turned and went to the laundry room to retrieve Kathryn's dress uniform jacket.
=/\=
Returning with the now spotless garment draped over one arm, she found her daughter standing in the living room looking at a picture of the family from before her father had been killed. She leaned against the doorframe and watched her. In the picture, both Admiral Edward Janeway and his eldest daughter were in Starfleet uniforms, but Kathryn's was science blue then. She picked up the picture almost reverently, slowly stroking the glass of the frame with her thumb. She remembered when it had been taken. The day she had been released from Starfleet medical with a clean bill of health after her ordeal with the Cardassians while she was serving on the Al Batani. Her entire family had made the trip and had been there for her. The ability to have all of them in one place at the same time a rare occurrence in those days. Then her eyes moved from the picture to a shadow box on the wall containing her father's insignia and commendations. His rank bars and medals were displayed proudly along with a holo-image of him in his dress uniform. She stared at the picture and began to whisper. "I made it Daddy, I really made it. All the way home. "
Gretchen had heard what her daughter had said and it warmed her heart. Kathryn was obviously very serious about the fact that she had made peace with herself and her father's memory over the last several years. Her little girl was all grown up now. No longer simply a brilliant young woman with a wealth of charisma and the fearlessness for command, she was a mature adult who obviously deserved to wear the uniform Gretchen held in her hands. Standing there in silence she was again confronted with the fact that there was a different feeling about Kathryn now, from the way she carried herself, to the way she spoke, to the depth of emotion in her eyes. Gretchen smiled to herself as if she came to realize one of the reasons that this woman had probably made it home with all the hostile races she had encountered, not the least of which had been the Borg. The word that stuck in her mind was formidable. God help the Starfleet brass who dared to go head to head with her. They had no idea what they were up against.
Before Kathryn could notice that her mother was watching her, Gretchen spoke, "Here's your jacket."
Her reverie broken, Kathryn turned to face her mother and retrieved her jacket. She gracefully slipped it on over her shoulders and fastened it at the front. Gretchen watched intently for any sign of discomfort from the shoulder wound, but there was none. Kathryn smoothed the front of her jacket one last time and then looked up at her mother with a broad smile on her face. "There, official once more. Thanks Mom."
"You are most welcome Captain. I've had my fair share of experience with officers in uniform, remember."
Kathryn chose her words carefully, as a sign of respect. No matter how many pips or bars she would ever wear on her collar, this woman deserved more than mere words could ever convey. She locked her eyes with her mother's, "Yes Ma'am I do."
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, neither knowing exactly what to say, neither wanting to be the one that ended the visit. In the end, neither did. They simply locked arms and walked back outside to the porch just in time to see the shuttle settle at the end of the lane. They turned to face each other one last time and hugged each other close. There would be time together later. For now, Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager, had a duty to perform. Her mother had no doubt she would settle things with her ship, her crew, and herself, and come home for some much needed rest. "You deserve that uniform you wear Kathryn. Always remember that." Gretchen said into her daughter's ear as they embraced.
This time Kathryn pulled away and reached up to hold her mother's head in her hands, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on her forehead and then rest her own there, skin to skin with the woman who had given her life.
Just then Katie arrived with a truly slimy and discolored tennis ball which she dropped between their feet. Kathryn broke away from her mother to pat the dog on the head. "Next time girl. I promise." The dog simply looked back at her with her beautiful brown eyes and wagged her tail. Using the interruption as her cue, Kathryn started to move down the stairs, slowly releasing her last contact with her mother's hand as she pulled away. "I'll be back soon."
"You'd better, or all those caramel brownies I'm about to start baking will go to waste."
Kathryn made eye contact with Gretchen one last time, smiled, waved and then turned away.
Gretchen watched her as she walked away, her shoulders squared and her head held high, until the last hint of the brilliant white of her jacket no longer stood out against the green of the corn and the trees lining the lane. No more than two minutes later the shuttle lifted into the sky. When it could no longer be seen, Gretchen was soon in her kitchen, searching for all the required ingredients for the truly enormous batch of caramel brownies she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would be baking in the near future.
THE END
Author's note: There is a relationship between a mother and a daughter that only they can ever understand. Particularly when that relationship has been shaped and molded by fate, tragedy, love and faith. This is for my own mom who left this life far too early and who I have only come to truly understand in the years since her death as I have continued my journey without her. Many of my accomplishments seem somehow lessened by the fact that she isn't here to share them with. Many of the things I do, and the way I do them, are a direct result of her unconditional love and support and in many ways are still to make her proud. My understanding and respect for my mother only grows deeper as I live out my life and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. Kathryn Janeway and her long separation from her family, and especially her mother, gave me the opportunity to write about it in even a small way.