Why do these things always happen to me?

part 9- the very pointless thought process
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(note: this is a continuation of part 8 )
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As far as i'm concerned, my position as his son is basically nothing more than a stagnant figure to be kept behind His Majesty's shadow until it is my turn to take over the business.

That ends now.

I get up from the chair, stalk over to my father's desk and put on my me-and-the-ice-are-one' voice, I came here to get my bankbook therefore--

Then take it.

The world seems to really enjoy cutting me off when i'm talking. I would dwell on this new realisation longer if i could but now my mind seems to have evaporated into a blank space because not only has my father put down the phone, he's also placed a very familiar black book in front of me.

He gestures towards my bankbook, If you seriously think you can do something successful with it then go ahead. Take it.

But i can't. I want to.... but i can't. If you seriously think you can do something successful.....successful? Was any part of my 3-month voyage successful?

My father leans forward in his seat, Kaede, tell me, when you were gone these few months, were you successful in anything?

I seriously don't think telling him i managed to live in a flat that has no lights is gonna get me very far.

Anf all of a sudden, i'm angry. But i'm not angry at him...i'm angry at myself. I'm angry that i wanted to go to America, i'm angry that i put up with that bitch of a landlady, i'm angry that i was stupid enough to go for a whore-interview, i'm angry that i found a job washing dishes, i'm angry that i got sick and had to see the doctor, i'm angry that i came back here to take my bankbook, i'm angry that i fell into the fishpond in a very disgracing manner, i'm angry that i'm standing rght here right now being angry at myself but most of all, were you successful in anything?' ,most of all , I'm angry that its such a simple question..

..and i can't seem to answer.
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Were you successful in anything?'

Gah, those stupid 5 words have been bothering me every since i left my father's study which was around...ah..3 hours ago.I just can't seem to find a answer for it. In one way, i've not been successful ..but in another, i have.

I have because my intention was to move out and pursue my dreams and that is exactly what i've done but i've not been successful because i wanted to fulfil those dreams and well, the last time i looked out the window, i was still in Kanagawa, not America.

But then again, i've been thinking that everyone takes time to reach the place they want to go right? You can't decided to have a dream and then wave your magic wand and poof!, you've done it! Life sucks that way.

I've also been thinking that people always say There's a time for everything. I never used to believe all those old wise sayings but now i think that this one is pretty true.....

Oh my GOSH, who the HELL put that neon green clock on my shelf? You know, I thought my room hadn't been touched but now i'm taking a good look at it, i'm noticing that there's a lot of supplements added to it. That clock for one, and a photograph of...ducks...geez, just what the hell did you people do to my room while i was gone??



I'm getting off topic aren't i?

Anyway, as i was saying, maybe there's a different time for me to continue pursuing this dream of mine. Besides, its not like i'm very old now; its not like i can't wait a little longer.

I mean, I do want to go to America. Really want to. There are so many oppurtunities to become a naitonal player over there. And i'm positive one of those oppurtunities was made for me. Rukawa Kaede.

But..i'm too inexperienced now. What can i do? Seriously speaking, what is there that i can do? I obviously can't hold a job very well...i can't maintain rent payment very well either..won't it be worse if i'm in a foreign country?

Won't it be more difficult than it is now?

Won't the failure be greater?

Won't the loss be more?

You know, i never realised it but even in times when my dream is pinned up in front of my eyes, i still tend to wander around unsure of whether what i'm doing is going to work out. I'm scared of failing..which is why i've become too cautious of my actions.

And this time round, i've failed because of exactly that. But i won't let that happen again. Im gonna give this Go-to-America' Project another try.

When the time is right.


And so i walk down the stairs (After i dispose of that hideous green clock and photograph of course) to the dining room. The food the servants made is still there. And i still remember that they said i could only eat it if i was coming back....

I reach for the wooden chopsticks and spilt them apart.



-end-
( is just someting that Japanese people say before they eat.)

Thank you minna for reading.

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

now, let me just say some stuff and then i'll go^^;;:

First of all, when i read that people commented that this fic was sadistic' , sarcastic' , 'funny in a sick way' etc, i was really surprised because i never thought my so-called humour could be described as that ( is actually the first word that comes to my mind when i crack a joke) so i was really happy that people didn't see it as lame' but as humour that's so tasteless(and crappy) its funny^^.
so thanks for seeing it that way.

And thank you for all the multiple reviews and single reviews even though i seem to take forever to update^^(Nakkie-san, you're right, the coffeeshop workers do sound a little far-off^_^;; and yu-chan, i can't log on to msn cause its screwy. i'll try though.^^)

once again, thanks for appreciating this fic and Merry Christmas...