Disclaimer: No.
Author's note: I wrote a Christmas story. Be afraid. This is sort of a prequel to a series I'm planning to write called 'Cowboy Bebop: The Lost Sessions' (I know it's been done before, but hey.) Please let me know if you'd be interested in reading it, alrighty?
Spoilers: None.
Archiving: Take my fanfic! Please! But seriously, folks… (Please email me at jediprincess84@hotmail.com and let me know where it's goin'.)
Rating: PG-13 for shooting, cussing and Santa-bashing.
Feedback: Yes. Leave me feedback or I will come to your house and chop up your loved ones. I know where allllllllllll of you live. I do!
Other stuff: The song Jingle Bell Rock was written by Billy Gilman and as far as I know belongs to him.
COWBOY BEBOP: THE LOST SESSIONS
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells ring and jingle bells swing
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun
Jet Black stared at his bonsai trees with disbelief, verging on horror. It couldn't be. Who would do such an inhuman thing? He'd seen a lot of sick shit go down in his time, but this…this was beyond all of it. Jet opened his mouth and let out a roar.
"ED!" A moment later her small red head peeked around the corner of Jet's room.
"Yes Jet-person?" Her eyes were wide and innocent. Jet felt himself soften and resolved not to be easy on her this time. What she had done was beyond forgiveness.
"Ed," said Jet in a low, dangerous voice. "What did I tell you about going into my room?"
"That this is Jet's private sanctum and it must never under any circumstances be violated," said Ed in an eerie mimic of his own voice.
"That's right," said Jet evenly. "So, Ed, if you remember what I told you…" He turned and made a sweeping gesture at his trees, all of which were adorned with shiny balls, tinsel and small blinking lights, "then how do you explain all THIS?!" Ed winced at his shout.
"Edward wants to make the Bebop pretty!" Jet sighed and tried to remind himself that she was just a kid. A psychotic, hyperactive, borderline insane kid, but still a kid.
"Why, Ed? I thought you liked it the way it was."
"Yes yes yes yes yes," said Ed impatiently. "But now it needs something!"
"Why?" demanded Jet.
"Because it's the most wonderful time of the year!" Ed screeched before cartwheeling off down the corridor. Jet groaned and checked the small calendar hanging on the inside of his door. Sure enough, Ed was right. Jet had the sudden feeling his life had just gotten a whole new dimension of annoyances in his life.
SESSION #0 JINGLE BELL ROCK"So who's the bounty head?" said Faye, hanging herself over Spike's shoulder like an unwelcome stole. Spike put his palm over her face and pushed her off.
"Ask before you look."
"Let her see," said Jet. "We can use her on this one." Faye, vindicated, pushed Spike out of her way and pressed her nose to the screen. She sat back and frowned.
"Funny, guys." Spike pulled himself back on to the couch.
"What? You have something against pulling in con artists?"
"This 'con artist' is a little kid!" Faye shouted at him, spinning the screen around to give Spike the full view of the small, thin face in the center. The face did indeed appear to be a child, complete with limpid brown eyes and wispy brunette bangs.
Jet began to snicker, and was soon joined by Spike. "What?!" demanded Faye. Jet stopped laughed long enough to shake his head.
"You know, Faye, for a sharp hustler you sure are easy to fool." He set the screen back to its right angel. "His name is Timothy Tan, but his alias is Tiny Tim." He chuckled again. "He's thirty-four years old, but he has a rare genetic defect that makes him appear to be around ten or eleven." Faye's mouth dropped open.
"He's a midget?"
"She's not only beautiful, she's sensitive too," observed Spike.
"Bite me," said Faye. "So what's his game?"
"He specializes in burglary, with a little low-level fraud on the side if he can get away with it," said Jet. "His MO is to pose as a kid, usually a homeless one, sometimes in a wheelchair, and get in with some rich, childless couple."
"Then he cleans out their house and their bank account and takes off for a new planet and a new set of suckers," finished Spike. Faye bit her lip.
"So how do we find him?"
"Not gonna be easy," said Jet. "He's good at disappearing, and his…talent makes it easy for him to do it. But we have an angle." Spike snorted.
"What?" said Faye.
"Nothing," said Spike innocently. Faye looked suspiciously at Jet.
"What?" she demanded.
"We're going at this two ways," said Jet. "Number one is a lead we have on Ganymeade…Tan's younger sister, Margaret."
"She's helping us out for a cut of the bounty," added Spike.
"And?" said Faye, knowing somehow she wasn't going to like the second part of the plan.
"And you and I are going to pose as a married couple and hit the likely spots on Ganymeade," said Jet. Faye's mouth dropped open.
"You…are…joking," she choked out.
"Nope," said Spike with his insufferably smug smile.
"I'm not doing it!" Faye shouted.
"The bounty is 200 million woolong," said Jet. "A lot of rich people want this guy. Take your cut or leave it." Faye fumed silently for a second and then slumped her shoulders.
"Fine. Fine, you win. What's our cover story?"
"You're Jet's young wife with her ticking biological clock bit," said Spike, snapping his fingers a lot like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny. Faye wouldn't admit she'd ever actually watched My Cousin Vinny, but Spike and Marisa bore a certain resemblance. "And Jet is your rich-as-dirt sugar daddy who can't get it up." Jet turned red from his beard to his hairline…which was to say his whole head started to resemble a large tomato.
"That was not what we came up with, Spike." Spike shrugged with an evil grin.
"And who are you in this little family drama?" asked Faye
"Me?" said Spike, still grinning. "I'm the skeleton in your closet."