Change In Me
By: Xiao
I sighed lightly, bringing my keys from my pockets and walking down the hallway of my house, stopping in front of a mirror to check appearance. Not that it really mattered, I wasn't dressed to impress. Infact, the opposite, I dressed as I wanted to, more than likely affecting the mood that I was in now. My ebony tresses had been left down, falling to my waist, a few slashes of dark red falling down my tresses. My attire was around the same as it always was; black and red. Mostly black. I had been adorned in a pair of baggy black pants, with a dark red shirt. Black lipstick was neatly placed at the lips, covering the usual carnation pink. A thin line of black was placed at my eyes, as well. Nothing special. As I said, not dressed to impress.
"Where are you going this time?"
"A drive." I replied, being truthful. I usually went out driving at night, because not many people seemed to be on the road and it was generally silent at the places I went to. Anyway, being seventeen, I was aloud to drive.. And hey, I did have my own car.
They nodded. I nodded, turning without so much as a glance at them. I could feel them watching until I opened the door and made my way down to the car, pressing the keys into the slot and unlocking the door, placing myself in the seat. Sighing again, I started the car and pulled into reverse, making my way toward one of the streets I tended to drive on a lot. The sky was draped in black velvet, as it always was. A calming sight it is. That's why I drove at night, because it was calming, and I could always use something to calm me down.
I pressed the break and held, waiting for the stop light to turn green once again. Without actually noticing, I took a glance at the car next to me, which held some of the preps from my high school. They were snickering, no doubt talking about me. I always got that, because no one seemed to understand me anymore. They used to, yes, before I went down a broken path. No one actually knew why, either, except me.
Exhaling in relief, I realized the light had turned green and then pressed on the gas, flipping my middle finger at the preps in the car. They yelled at me, but turned a different way then I did, which was a relief, because I was in no mood to deal with anyone. But then again, I never was. Not after what happened. People tend to call me antisocial, which I halfway disagree with. For one, I like people. I like certain people, and then there is the people I don't like. Sometimes I like to be in the crowds because it draws attention to me, but then again, sometimes I don't. maybe I had an attention disorder. Who knows?
While keeping one of my hands on the steering wheel, I pressed in a number for my CD. Slowly, waiting for the music to star, I turned the volume up loud, and made sure the windows were up.
'Cool breeze and autumn leaves, slow motion daylight. A lone pair of watchful eyes, oversee the living. Feel the presence all around a tortured soul, a wound un-healing. No regrets or promises, the past is gone, but you can still be free. If time will set you free.' I hummed to the music. The song was in English, and for the most part, I could sing the song, easily. I had translated it at one time or another, and it seemed like a nice song to listen to when you really thought about it. The band is called, 'Savage Garden', while the song is called, 'You can still be free.'
I pulled the car into park and stopped at the side of the road, sitting back. This is what I did when I wasn't in the best of moods; I would sit and watch the sky, tainted in black velvet with little specks of what looked like glitter dashed across it. It's kind of a weird thing, for someone to see a girl sitting in her car watching the sky, but that's what I did when I wasn't in a good mood. Yeah, I would just sit and watch for hours. Considered pathetic on most peoples standards, but hey, fuck them. They don't understand, now do they?
'Time now to spread your wings, to take to flight, the life endeavor. Aim for the burning sun. You're trapped inside, but you can still be free. If time will set you free. But it's a long, long way to go. Keep moving way up high, you see the light, it shines forever. Sail through the crimson skies, the purest light, the light that sets you free. If time will set you free.'
I chuckled. This song reminded me of my bird that I had a very long time ago, probably when I was five or six. It being trapped inside, and waiting for it to be able to fly free. Yeah, it succeeded in time, probably after two or three escapes. Syaoran caught it once, and then again, and then he didn't ever find it. To tell the truth, I think I must of treated the poor thing horribly if it kept escaping so much. Oh well. Maybe it died only a few days after it got away. Maybe then it would of realized I didn't treat it horribly and it was better off in it's cage. I did treat it nicely, by the way. I fed it bird food and fresh fruits every day, along with clean water. I also occasionally took it out and held it. That's care.
'Sail through the wind and rain tonight. You're free to fly tonight, and you can still be free. If time will set you free. And going higher than mountain tops. And go high, the wind don't stop. And go high. Free to fly tonight, free to fly tonight.' She hit the repeat button, and relaxed watching the sky.
----------
"Gone long enough?" I heard him ask as I shut the door behind me. I stopped moving for a short moment and then, finally, stood up straight and took a glance at my watch, revealing that it was already early morning. I turned and saw him standing in front of me. I sighed, shook my head, and pushed passed him, only for him to grab my wrist.
"Since when do you care?" I hissed. "I'm out all the time, and this is the first time you actually are there when I come back."
He paused. "I want to talk." He replied, no doubt ignoring my question that I had thrown at him. Sighing, I decided to full-fill his wish, and nodded lightly. He nodded back, keeping eye contact, and dropped my wrist. "You're.. Not the same person I knew."
"No, I'm not."
"What happened? I missed the old Meiling." He brought his voice to a low tone, so not to wake up anyone else in the house. I chuckled. See, no one understands why. I crossed my over my chest and leaned back against the wall, watching him closely.
"She is gone. You're going to have to get used to it. The old Meiling everyone knew died."
"When?" He shot back, without even a moment of silence for him to think about what he was saying. I brought my gaze to the wall, and bit my bottom lip for a moment, not paying attention as he began to speak once again. "When did she die, Meiling? When? I have a right to know. What happened? Who killed her?" I chuckled lightly, admiring his choice of words. Yes, the first Meiling was 'killed' as he put it, and yes, someone had completed that task.
"He broke her. She eventually died of it. No one missed her, that's why they allow the new Meiling to roam around in the dark whenever she feels the need. No one cared about her old self, that's why everyone allow someone to break her, and then slowly they watched as she died. No one cared, no one attempted to help. Maybe she should of sought help before she died? Or maybe her.. Friends.. Or can you really call them friends? Should of helped her in the beginning."
"He?" He asked. I nodded. "How did he break the girl?"
"He broke the poor girl's heart, and then turned without a second glance. He did not pay attention to her feelings, and left to someone else. He never looked back once to see if the girl was okay. He simply left her broken."
"He did look back. Haven't you noticed?" I opened my mouth to speak, but shut it when realizing that I had nothing more to say. "He is doing it now. You're still the old Meiling, don't you realize it?"
"Shut up."
"No."
"Shut up! I'm not the Meiling you hurt anymore! I'm not her! You didn't care about her, and in response, she died! Haven't you realized that? She's not here anymore. She's not coming back. This is the new me, and you're going to have to deal with--"
"I miss her! Meiling! Stop it! You're MEILING! Nothing changes that! You're hiding how you really feel, and then you have to change how you look to add to the cover up." I shook my head, staring at the ground, letting my minds flood with thoughts. 'Maybe he's right,' I tried to tell myself. 'Maybe he is right. You're hiding.'
"Meiling?" He waited for my response, not doubt told by my voice, but I simply blinked slowly and looked up at him, my own ruby eyes locking with his caramel ones. "Tell me something." I paused, hesitated, and then nodded. "Why do you leave for so long?"
"It's an interesting story, actually." I started. "Once upon a night time a girl decided she was not in a good mood, and needed to leave from everyone else and go somewhere that no one tended to be. She usually chose to leave to a dark road where she could watch the night sky. Being the pathetic girl she was, she would sit and watch the sky for hours. The end."
"Why?"
"The dark is calming. She liked it, probably no reason that made sense in anyone else's minds." I paused. "It made her wonder if death is like that; calming and dark. Dark, kind of like black velvet. Maybe if death is like that, then maybe she would like to go there some day."
He paused. "When?"
"I'm getting sick of your questions." I hissed back. Truly, I was. What was he to be sitting and probing my thoughts like this? Was he trying to make me spill out in front of him? Too bad for him, I wasn't going to.
"I'm getting sick of your answers." He embraced me, startled, my eyes widened and I tried to get my body to push him, but not finding the strength. "Realize this -- people cared. They still do. You act as if no matter what you say or do, then no one will care. Tell me this, Meiling, if I didn't care, would I be here talking to you?"
"Leave me alone."
"I want you to be yourself. Not the cover that you use now. You're still the same, and I want you to act like it." 'No.. She's dead. I'm a new Meiling. She's gone. She's gone. Forever and ever. She will not come back.' I tell myself, silently.
"She is gone."
"No, she is not, look." He let go of me, and brought his thumb to my mouth, wiping the black from my lips. I hesitated, and thought about smacking him for it, but decided not to. Maybe if he would be able to show me that I am still the first Meiling, then I would act like I was. I felt him grab my wrist, and began to pull me to the bathroom. He damped a rag and handed it to me, while I stared at it in my hand.
"Wipe your eyeliner and makeup off." I did as told as he began to rummage through the drawers, grabbing a brush, two hair bands, and two red ribbons. I paused, and stared. He took a glance at me, and then stood straight, looking at the items he had set. "Now."
Sighing, I began to brush my hair, and then pull it into the twin buns I had always worn as a child. It took no less than a few minutes, considering I had been doing the style for years before I just suddenly stopped. He nodded, grabbed my wrist again and pulled me to my bedroom, where he began to roam through my closet, throwing a pair of clothes at me. He exited, no doubt waiting for me to change into my outfit. I sighed, and began to pulled off the shirt and pants, and change back into the skirt and short sleeved shirt. I paused, after finishing, and stared at myself in the mirror. I could barely recognize myself.
lowly, and hesitating again, I walked out of the room only to meet with him once again. He shoved a picture of me when I was younger into my hands. I stared at the girl. She looked as I did now, but only smaller. I sighed, trying to keep myself calm.
"Do you see?"
"I--"He hugged me again. "It's not just the looks, you're hiding your original personality. I can't change that, so, I will leave you like this. Please, Meiling, think about it. There are people that miss you, and care. They want you to be yourself instead of someone you're not." He let go, and I quickly turned, forcing myself in my room before he could notice the tears streaming down my face.
What had I done? He was right. I was hiding myself. Scared, I forced myself out of the outfit and brought back on my pants and shirt, and pulled the ribbons from my hair, and then the bands and watched my hair fall back to their position. I looked at myself in the mirror again and began to cry harder.
'Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?' I began to undress again, pulling on the skirt and shirt that he had taken out for me and had my changed into, and then sat down on my bed. 'Why must we conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret in me I'm forced to hide? I won't pretend I'm someone else for all time. When will my reflection who I am inside..?'
"Thank you, Syaoran." I whispered, running my hands through my hair and letting my forehead rest against my hands. I was hiding myself before, who I really am. It took me long enough, but he made me realize I am still Meiling.. And she never died, she's still here. She hasn't left, but is coming back..
By: Xiao
I sighed lightly, bringing my keys from my pockets and walking down the hallway of my house, stopping in front of a mirror to check appearance. Not that it really mattered, I wasn't dressed to impress. Infact, the opposite, I dressed as I wanted to, more than likely affecting the mood that I was in now. My ebony tresses had been left down, falling to my waist, a few slashes of dark red falling down my tresses. My attire was around the same as it always was; black and red. Mostly black. I had been adorned in a pair of baggy black pants, with a dark red shirt. Black lipstick was neatly placed at the lips, covering the usual carnation pink. A thin line of black was placed at my eyes, as well. Nothing special. As I said, not dressed to impress.
"Where are you going this time?"
"A drive." I replied, being truthful. I usually went out driving at night, because not many people seemed to be on the road and it was generally silent at the places I went to. Anyway, being seventeen, I was aloud to drive.. And hey, I did have my own car.
They nodded. I nodded, turning without so much as a glance at them. I could feel them watching until I opened the door and made my way down to the car, pressing the keys into the slot and unlocking the door, placing myself in the seat. Sighing again, I started the car and pulled into reverse, making my way toward one of the streets I tended to drive on a lot. The sky was draped in black velvet, as it always was. A calming sight it is. That's why I drove at night, because it was calming, and I could always use something to calm me down.
I pressed the break and held, waiting for the stop light to turn green once again. Without actually noticing, I took a glance at the car next to me, which held some of the preps from my high school. They were snickering, no doubt talking about me. I always got that, because no one seemed to understand me anymore. They used to, yes, before I went down a broken path. No one actually knew why, either, except me.
Exhaling in relief, I realized the light had turned green and then pressed on the gas, flipping my middle finger at the preps in the car. They yelled at me, but turned a different way then I did, which was a relief, because I was in no mood to deal with anyone. But then again, I never was. Not after what happened. People tend to call me antisocial, which I halfway disagree with. For one, I like people. I like certain people, and then there is the people I don't like. Sometimes I like to be in the crowds because it draws attention to me, but then again, sometimes I don't. maybe I had an attention disorder. Who knows?
While keeping one of my hands on the steering wheel, I pressed in a number for my CD. Slowly, waiting for the music to star, I turned the volume up loud, and made sure the windows were up.
'Cool breeze and autumn leaves, slow motion daylight. A lone pair of watchful eyes, oversee the living. Feel the presence all around a tortured soul, a wound un-healing. No regrets or promises, the past is gone, but you can still be free. If time will set you free.' I hummed to the music. The song was in English, and for the most part, I could sing the song, easily. I had translated it at one time or another, and it seemed like a nice song to listen to when you really thought about it. The band is called, 'Savage Garden', while the song is called, 'You can still be free.'
I pulled the car into park and stopped at the side of the road, sitting back. This is what I did when I wasn't in the best of moods; I would sit and watch the sky, tainted in black velvet with little specks of what looked like glitter dashed across it. It's kind of a weird thing, for someone to see a girl sitting in her car watching the sky, but that's what I did when I wasn't in a good mood. Yeah, I would just sit and watch for hours. Considered pathetic on most peoples standards, but hey, fuck them. They don't understand, now do they?
'Time now to spread your wings, to take to flight, the life endeavor. Aim for the burning sun. You're trapped inside, but you can still be free. If time will set you free. But it's a long, long way to go. Keep moving way up high, you see the light, it shines forever. Sail through the crimson skies, the purest light, the light that sets you free. If time will set you free.'
I chuckled. This song reminded me of my bird that I had a very long time ago, probably when I was five or six. It being trapped inside, and waiting for it to be able to fly free. Yeah, it succeeded in time, probably after two or three escapes. Syaoran caught it once, and then again, and then he didn't ever find it. To tell the truth, I think I must of treated the poor thing horribly if it kept escaping so much. Oh well. Maybe it died only a few days after it got away. Maybe then it would of realized I didn't treat it horribly and it was better off in it's cage. I did treat it nicely, by the way. I fed it bird food and fresh fruits every day, along with clean water. I also occasionally took it out and held it. That's care.
'Sail through the wind and rain tonight. You're free to fly tonight, and you can still be free. If time will set you free. And going higher than mountain tops. And go high, the wind don't stop. And go high. Free to fly tonight, free to fly tonight.' She hit the repeat button, and relaxed watching the sky.
----------
"Gone long enough?" I heard him ask as I shut the door behind me. I stopped moving for a short moment and then, finally, stood up straight and took a glance at my watch, revealing that it was already early morning. I turned and saw him standing in front of me. I sighed, shook my head, and pushed passed him, only for him to grab my wrist.
"Since when do you care?" I hissed. "I'm out all the time, and this is the first time you actually are there when I come back."
He paused. "I want to talk." He replied, no doubt ignoring my question that I had thrown at him. Sighing, I decided to full-fill his wish, and nodded lightly. He nodded back, keeping eye contact, and dropped my wrist. "You're.. Not the same person I knew."
"No, I'm not."
"What happened? I missed the old Meiling." He brought his voice to a low tone, so not to wake up anyone else in the house. I chuckled. See, no one understands why. I crossed my over my chest and leaned back against the wall, watching him closely.
"She is gone. You're going to have to get used to it. The old Meiling everyone knew died."
"When?" He shot back, without even a moment of silence for him to think about what he was saying. I brought my gaze to the wall, and bit my bottom lip for a moment, not paying attention as he began to speak once again. "When did she die, Meiling? When? I have a right to know. What happened? Who killed her?" I chuckled lightly, admiring his choice of words. Yes, the first Meiling was 'killed' as he put it, and yes, someone had completed that task.
"He broke her. She eventually died of it. No one missed her, that's why they allow the new Meiling to roam around in the dark whenever she feels the need. No one cared about her old self, that's why everyone allow someone to break her, and then slowly they watched as she died. No one cared, no one attempted to help. Maybe she should of sought help before she died? Or maybe her.. Friends.. Or can you really call them friends? Should of helped her in the beginning."
"He?" He asked. I nodded. "How did he break the girl?"
"He broke the poor girl's heart, and then turned without a second glance. He did not pay attention to her feelings, and left to someone else. He never looked back once to see if the girl was okay. He simply left her broken."
"He did look back. Haven't you noticed?" I opened my mouth to speak, but shut it when realizing that I had nothing more to say. "He is doing it now. You're still the old Meiling, don't you realize it?"
"Shut up."
"No."
"Shut up! I'm not the Meiling you hurt anymore! I'm not her! You didn't care about her, and in response, she died! Haven't you realized that? She's not here anymore. She's not coming back. This is the new me, and you're going to have to deal with--"
"I miss her! Meiling! Stop it! You're MEILING! Nothing changes that! You're hiding how you really feel, and then you have to change how you look to add to the cover up." I shook my head, staring at the ground, letting my minds flood with thoughts. 'Maybe he's right,' I tried to tell myself. 'Maybe he is right. You're hiding.'
"Meiling?" He waited for my response, not doubt told by my voice, but I simply blinked slowly and looked up at him, my own ruby eyes locking with his caramel ones. "Tell me something." I paused, hesitated, and then nodded. "Why do you leave for so long?"
"It's an interesting story, actually." I started. "Once upon a night time a girl decided she was not in a good mood, and needed to leave from everyone else and go somewhere that no one tended to be. She usually chose to leave to a dark road where she could watch the night sky. Being the pathetic girl she was, she would sit and watch the sky for hours. The end."
"Why?"
"The dark is calming. She liked it, probably no reason that made sense in anyone else's minds." I paused. "It made her wonder if death is like that; calming and dark. Dark, kind of like black velvet. Maybe if death is like that, then maybe she would like to go there some day."
He paused. "When?"
"I'm getting sick of your questions." I hissed back. Truly, I was. What was he to be sitting and probing my thoughts like this? Was he trying to make me spill out in front of him? Too bad for him, I wasn't going to.
"I'm getting sick of your answers." He embraced me, startled, my eyes widened and I tried to get my body to push him, but not finding the strength. "Realize this -- people cared. They still do. You act as if no matter what you say or do, then no one will care. Tell me this, Meiling, if I didn't care, would I be here talking to you?"
"Leave me alone."
"I want you to be yourself. Not the cover that you use now. You're still the same, and I want you to act like it." 'No.. She's dead. I'm a new Meiling. She's gone. She's gone. Forever and ever. She will not come back.' I tell myself, silently.
"She is gone."
"No, she is not, look." He let go of me, and brought his thumb to my mouth, wiping the black from my lips. I hesitated, and thought about smacking him for it, but decided not to. Maybe if he would be able to show me that I am still the first Meiling, then I would act like I was. I felt him grab my wrist, and began to pull me to the bathroom. He damped a rag and handed it to me, while I stared at it in my hand.
"Wipe your eyeliner and makeup off." I did as told as he began to rummage through the drawers, grabbing a brush, two hair bands, and two red ribbons. I paused, and stared. He took a glance at me, and then stood straight, looking at the items he had set. "Now."
Sighing, I began to brush my hair, and then pull it into the twin buns I had always worn as a child. It took no less than a few minutes, considering I had been doing the style for years before I just suddenly stopped. He nodded, grabbed my wrist again and pulled me to my bedroom, where he began to roam through my closet, throwing a pair of clothes at me. He exited, no doubt waiting for me to change into my outfit. I sighed, and began to pulled off the shirt and pants, and change back into the skirt and short sleeved shirt. I paused, after finishing, and stared at myself in the mirror. I could barely recognize myself.
lowly, and hesitating again, I walked out of the room only to meet with him once again. He shoved a picture of me when I was younger into my hands. I stared at the girl. She looked as I did now, but only smaller. I sighed, trying to keep myself calm.
"Do you see?"
"I--"He hugged me again. "It's not just the looks, you're hiding your original personality. I can't change that, so, I will leave you like this. Please, Meiling, think about it. There are people that miss you, and care. They want you to be yourself instead of someone you're not." He let go, and I quickly turned, forcing myself in my room before he could notice the tears streaming down my face.
What had I done? He was right. I was hiding myself. Scared, I forced myself out of the outfit and brought back on my pants and shirt, and pulled the ribbons from my hair, and then the bands and watched my hair fall back to their position. I looked at myself in the mirror again and began to cry harder.
'Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?' I began to undress again, pulling on the skirt and shirt that he had taken out for me and had my changed into, and then sat down on my bed. 'Why must we conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret in me I'm forced to hide? I won't pretend I'm someone else for all time. When will my reflection who I am inside..?'
"Thank you, Syaoran." I whispered, running my hands through my hair and letting my forehead rest against my hands. I was hiding myself before, who I really am. It took me long enough, but he made me realize I am still Meiling.. And she never died, she's still here. She hasn't left, but is coming back..