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Real Folk Blues

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Too much time has passed by

He had continued to play after Justin had slammed the door and left, after he had seen the blond boy stalking down the street and rubbing angrily at his baby blue eyes.  The music that so often pulled him away from his troubles suddenly had backfired and he stopped, breathing heavily and holding the violin at arm's length, longing to hurl it to the floor and unable just the same to smash his dreams.  Once, it had been his nightmare to see that instrument, and then he had grown to love it and now it was his real dream, Justin, who was becoming the tormenting nightmare.  So many times, so many goddamn times they had journeyed to the precipice and then he would back down, turn away.  Class to go to, a boyfriend to run along home to.  Didn't he understand how much he was willing to sacrifice?  Didn't he understand how much he loved him?

      Finally.  He had finally met the elusive Brian Kinney …and sure, he was beautiful, sure he was rich …sure, he had seen the ice in his eyes.  That was a man born to reach great heights and to punish himself for it.  Ethan wondered briefly if Brian was even aware of what he was denying himself, what he was doing to himself and he couldn't even feel ashamed at his joy for it.  By being true to his nature, Brian was setting Justin free unintentionally, he was practically giving the boy to Ethan on a silver platter …and he couldn't stand it.  Justin deserved so much, he meant so much to him and he had just thrown it all away.

      Yes, he had said that he wanted to stay but it hadn't been what Ethan wanted to hear and, to speak the truth, it hadn't been what Justin was ready to say.  There was conviction in his voice, sure, but there was also abashed hesitation.  He wasn't ready to cut the strings that bound him to Brian and so Ethan had to smash all the potential that had been building between the two of them so Justin could reach his own conclusions in his own time.  And boy was he kicking himself for that now.  God but he wanted to have taken Justin into his arms, to tousle his hair – it was always so perfect, just like him – to have made love to him all night and to have woken in his arms …but Justin hadn't been prepared, no matter what he said.

      Sighing heavily and scrubbing fiercely at his eyes to banish the mocking tears building and gave up.  Through wet eyes he glared at the violin and raised it to be played, working trembling fingers as he battled his tears and began to practice Beethoven.  Sometimes it just didn't seem fair that all his dreams had to break.

To lament that we were deeply in love

Was this the right decision?  Could he handle being without Ben's presence for six long months?  Deep down, Michael doubted it.  He snorted at his thoughts, deep down?  Hell, he doubted it through and through on all levels.  Ben was the best thing that had happened to him in forever and a day it seemed and if the fool man went to Tibet …what if an emergency did occur?  To loose him like that …to loose him at all …both prospects made him tremble.  But it was too late.  He had given his approval.  God but he felt like a father whose daughter's hand had been asked in marriage, wanting to give his support but so damn afraid to.  The words had been said though and despite it all he just wanted Ben to be happy.

      That wasn't the only thing eating at his mind though as he tried to sleep.  He knew he had been right in telling Brian about Justin's little excursions, he knew it!  Brian was his friend, he had to look out for his friends …but still …though Brian acted like he was hunky-dory with it, Michael could tell better.  You don't get to know a person to the point where you can claim friendship without learning a thing or two about them that they don't tell.  Justin was practically a godsend for Brian, the only trouble was that Brian was too …too …well, too Brian to alter enough to keep his hands on this ray of sunshine.  What was that saying?  'You don't know what you have until it's gone.' Apt in many situations but somehow not this one.  Michael was sure that Brian knew exactly what he was letting slip through his fingers and he was afraid he even knew why.  The thought of loss though brought Ben first and foremost to his mind again.

      His mother hadn't been too pleased to learn that he was going to be gone and truth be known, Michael wasn't either.  His uncle made sense though, after all, he had something in common with Ben that Michael didn't.  The disease.  That damn disease.  It was so hard to let go of something you wanted so desperately to cling to and he was going to have to.  Oh God but it hurt though.  He couldn't let Ben know how much or else he might decide to stay just to please him which it would do, but Michael wanted him happy, dammit, his own feelings about the matter could just be ignored until it was too late to hold Ben back, until the half a year of waiting had begun.  He wished having made the decision to let him go cleared something inside.  He wished he wasn't still feeling so small and so scared.  He wished Ben would wake up and hold him close.  Blinking away the tears he couldn't let fall, Michael wished that wishes would come true.

The wind keeps blowing while my heart

Brian watched with heavily lidded eyes as Justin quietly entered the loft and looked around before slowly undressing.  He was of mixed feelings about the boy's return.  He loved him, or came as close to loving as it was possibly for one such as he, but he knew that he couldn't give the kid what he needed from a relationship.  The only problem was that he didn't want to loose him.  Something dark inside shivered at the prospect, the same dark thing that asked him everyday if this pathetic excuse for affection would be as close as he could ever come to loving another human being.  The part of him that wasn't an asshole prayed that it wasn't so.  He almost laughed then.  You must be someone horrible if even you start to think of yourself as an asshole, he mused.

      Justin was looking at him though with those bunny rabbit eyes, usually happy and hyper but capable of unfathomable reaches of sadness.  What on earth did he have to do to get the boy to make the choice to leave?  How much more would he have to hurt him before Justin realized that he'd be better off with Ethan?  Maybe he had let him get too close, maybe Justin had realized that this was as much as Brian Kinney had ever loved anyone and likely would ever love anyone else.  Maybe he had let his weaknesses be known.  God but he didn't want to let him go.

      Lifting the covers, the young blond climbed into the bed and laid out on his side, allowing Brian to move closer and to put his arms around him.  Fuck, if this was to be the last night he'd have Justin before he made the kid make the right decision he would at least spend it with the youth in his embrace.  Idly he wondered whether Justin was crying, he was lying so that Brian couldn't see his face.  For his own good Justin would simply have to move out and move on, Brian really couldn't stand hurting him like this, not after all they had done even if it was so plastic and surreal now.  As they lay there in the night however, he came to the startling conclusion that the tears he could practically sense were his own.

Cannot dry all the tears in it

Debbie was pissed.  No, strike that, she was furious.  But, no, that wasn't quite true either.  She was angry and confused.  A mother always wants to make everything perfect for her children and she was unable to do that for her son.  She wished that she could take back some of the things she had said that had frightened her boy, but truly they had scared her too!  She regretted the mistakes she had made in raising him, sometimes it was just little things, and sometimes grander errors that would have made other parents cringe in sympathy.  Damn, it was just plain hard to be a parent, especially in this day and age.

      Well, there was one thing she could do at least, for both her troubled boys sakes.  She would have a talk with Ben and she would make him at least see reason if not decide to postpone his trip to Tibet indefinitely.  It made her feel like a bully in her own mind but she couldn't help but think that this was the right thing to do for everyone.  She was just looking out for both her boys that was all.  Hell, Ben was a fucking son to her even if he wasn't her own flesh and blood and her little Michael …gritting her teeth, she nodded to herself grimly.  Words would be exchanged and the Light would make itself known to Ben.  Somehow, she would be a good mom and do the right thing for her own.  She'd make up for all her fumbles in the past.  She would do it for Michael and Ben and everyone else.  And yet, there was a smile clinging to her lips as she slipped into bed and let herself fall asleep.  Somehow, everything would work out, she just knew it.

Someone, cry for me with parched eyes

He was a bastard.  Then again, everyone was at some point or another.  Still, Melanie Marcus had to wonder why Brian chose to make a profession of it.  If the guy just learned to open up a little, to show some caring when people needed to see it …apparently Lindsay saw more in the fool than most others, except possibly Debbie – but then again, Debbie seemed to be able to get right to the truth of the matter in all situations with rapid ease.  The woman would have made an astounding lawyer.  Brian Kinney was far from the favorite person on Melanie's list of people, even if she did respect him, sometimes and grudgingly, but she was human enough to care about the man.  He couldn't possibly be taking the mishaps of his relationship with Justin with as much outward ease as he was showing.  No one was that damn cold and insensitive!

      It was his own business though and Melanie wasn't stupid enough to think she knew all the details of what was going on between the blond boy and his dark benefactor.  Dark in many aspects indeed, but still, underneath it all, a decent enough fellow.  Maybe that was what had attracted boy blunder and Lindsay to him in the first place, and Mikey and Debbie too for that matter.  She could be entirely polite and sociable to him and she would even help him out if he was in trouble but she just couldn't get close enough to understand the blasted man.  Of course, that was likely because he didn't want people to come to close and thus presented the prospect that the others were simply to stubborn to let Brian go as he wanted to be seen.  Sometimes people were just too complicated for their own good.  But, dammit, for his own sake …well, she just wanted the guy to be happy.  After all, despite initial reluctance on his part it was also because of him that she and Lindsay were now married and that she had been able to adopt Gus.

      Maybe the guy had some weaknesses after all.

The real folk blues

Lindsay stood over Gus's cradle and smiled down at her son, stroking his sleeping cheek lovingly.  Sometimes the oblivious baby boy seemed like the only thing good and pure in the world, it had been that way especially after Justin's bashing and during the difficulties she and Melanie had before their marriage and even after.  The road to happiness was paved with bumps and holes though and she had faith that whatever would come, she and Melanie would face it side by side, especially after all they'd been through.

      Still, there were some things her lover just didn't understand, or perhaps didn't want to.  Brian was a good example, but she couldn't fault Melanie for that, Brian seldom wanted to be understood – or at least he often promoted that image.  But Brian wasn't troubling her mind this night, though only a blind man could miss the signs that marked problems for her friend – and Gus's father – and Justin Taylor.  No, it was a combination of worry and hope for Ted and Emmett that kept sleep at bay this evening, even after Melanie had retired – though she was likely lying awake and waiting for Lindsay to join her in bed.

      Pressing a kiss to her son's forehead she stepped away to let him slumber and wrapped her arms around herself tightly, brow furrowing and lips pursing as she thought.  Poor Emmett had seemed so flustered at Ted's behavior …Lindsay thought for sure that he couldn't know why Ted was acting that way – Emmett had a way of missing the obvious sometimes, even if he noticed other aspects of what was staring him in the face.  She definitely didn't want this to turn into another post-Blake thing between the two …but it was out of her hands.  She and Melanie had encouraged Ted to make a move, to tell the boy and now it was up to the both of them to figure things out.  Still, even if she couldn't meddle yet she could worry.  It was a friend's prerogative, after all.  Sighing heavily, her gaze shifted back to her sleepy little boy and she barely stifled an exclamation as a hand fell upon her shoulder.

      Truth be told, Melanie seemed more astonished by her reaction than Lindsay was scared.  Offering her lover a slight smile, Lindsay found Melanie's hands and kissed her lightly before allowing herself to be lead away from Gus's room and to their bedroom.  Worries could ferment in the back of her mind, she still had a life to lead.

I only want to know what true sadness is

A brilliant dawn to a wonderful new day and all Ted Schmidt wanted was to crawl into a hole and die.  Wait.  No, that was wrong, you were supposed to want to feel that way after you've said something embarrassing or hurtful or stupid and while the person you've directed the comment to is still in the vicinity.  He was supposed to feel differently now that he was gone, just how was something Ted hadn't quite figured out yet.

      Curled into a fetal ball on his bed however, with the damn music still playing in the background and the sun staring him in the face without remorse, Ted felt that he was on the road to discovery.  He felt like shit.  Strike that, he felt worse that shit.  He felt like the piece of bubble gum spat into the gutter, stepped upon and stuck to a smelly, sweaty, old sneaker and forced to become a companion to hot, fresh dog shit.  Yeah, that felt more like it.  He had just done a wimpy job salvaging the friendship he had begun to destroy the previous night while at dinner.  Emmett wasn't stupid, he would have seen through the flimsy words Ted uttered in self-defense about the next step as they were coming out of his mouth, but thankfully, Emmett hadn't pushed further.  What the hell was he going to do now?

      In times like this, he would normally turn to Emmett to help make his problems vanish and to pick up his spirits …but he had royally screwed himself out of that option.  Breathing shakily, his knuckles turned white from the death grip he maintained on the sheets, biting his lower lip as tears continued to trickle down his face.  He knew he looked like crap, he knew he probably resembled how he felt at the moment and that sucked.  It didn't seem fair that the rest of the world could muck around in a pigsty while balling their eyes out and still appear at least pretty if not as beautiful as before they'd entered the farmyard.  Emmett was a prime example.  Roger …not so good.

      He hadn't exactly been lying when he had told Emmett that he would need to shower and get along to work but for the moment he couldn't summon the motivation to rise and after three failed attempts he gave up and collapsed back on the bed, clutching desperately at the sheets and wishing that he wasn't so worthless in his own eyes and that what he felt towards Emmett wasn't so strong.  By God, he didn't want to cry, he didn't want to hurt again.

Sitting in muddy water

The hustle and bustle of Pittsburgh streets did little to calm Emmett's nerves and he resolutely ignored the hurrying passersby giving him quizzical looks as he continued to verbally berate himself and Ted and just the world in general.  Frowning prettily he glanced at a shop window and caught himself with his mouth open and about to go on with his lecture and snapped his jaws shut with a blush, frowning harder.  He had practically heard the tears in Teddy's voice as he asked him politely if he would show himself the door.  Being late to work was hardly the issue making Teddy make haste but rather that he was going to cry if he had been in Emmett's company any longer and Emmett knew that.  And it hurt.

      They had been such good friends for so long and now it would be awkward and strange.  Given time of course they could began acting like nothing had happened but now he knew how Teddy felt towards him and, worse, Teddy knew his response.  He had never wanted to cause his friend pain but that seemed like all he'd been doing since the evening at the restaurant.  He scowled in recollection, ashamed that he had been so rude but he truly had been overwhelmed by Ted's confession.  Flabbergasted was more like it.  When had Ted begun to see new depths to their friendship?  Had he unconsciously been prompting his friend to want more?  That thought gave him pause and he halted on the street, hands tucked into his pockets and biting his lower lip until the car that he had stopped in front of honked angrily and startled him into crossing the street.

      It was all well and good to worry about what had happened recently but he decided that waiting until he was somewhere safe would be in good taste.  The next driver might not be so eloquent in voicing his – or her – desire to be going.  Taking a deep breath he shut his eyes tightly and hopped in place in front of a tidy little bookstore, working up a nice scream before squelching it.  He was relatively sure that the police would be just as understanding as the cars in a rush to his problems.  Sometimes life really sucked.

      Teddy loved him.  Teddy was hurting now because of his less than smooth recovery upon hearing of this newfound attraction.  And how did he really feel about Ted anyway?  They were best of friends; they could even read each other's minds …he chuckled a bit sadly at that.  What was the next step?  He loved Teddy, yes, but …like that?  Huffing indignantly, his breath steaming in the chilly air, he glared around at the world and yelped before stalking away, determined to at least be out of the eyes and ears of those on the busy streets before frustration made him cry.

Isn't such a bad life

Between Ethan and Brian, Justin had never been so lost in his life …except maybe after his prom, but that brought bad memories and he banished them quickly with a shake of his head.  It was really quite unfortunate that being stuck in love with two men wasn't his only problem, nor was it the only was that he couldn't see an immediate end to.  He almost wished that he could take back what he had said to Michael but the hurt was still too fresh to ignore.  He admired Michael in that he had done what he thought he needed to for his friend, namely Brian, but still …something just rankled about the whole thing.  After all, Brian was hardly a child in need of parental guidance and monitoring – most of the time.

      He loved Brian …just, not as much as he used to.  At times it almost seemed like unrequited love, as if they just came back to the same loft and to each other for short, clipped conversations and fucking.  And that was hardly what Justin wanted in a relationship, even if he wasn't quite sure what he was looking for in return.  Whatever it was, he felt confident that Ethan possessed it and also held the power to grant it to him.  With Ethan he felt more assured, as if he mattered more than just how good he was in bed.  With Ethan he felt …happy.  Contented.  God, he hoped that feeling would last.

      Memory of his last encounter with Ethan entered his thoughts and his mood soured further.  That is, he hoped he could regain the feeling if he found someway to prove to Ethan that what he had said was what he meant.  With Brian …it felt unresolved but they both must have known that last night, as Justin rested quietly in his arms, that it was the end.  He loved him still and, though unsaid, knew that Brian loved him in some way, though how much and in what way were also uncertainties.  He really didn't want to hurt Ethan any more than he had by the almost-rejections and quick escapes and, in all honesty, he didn't want to be hurt by callous shows of affection either.  There was a wholeness to be found in his relationship with Brian but …it just wasn't enough any longer.  He wanted something more, needed something more that Brian just wasn't prepared to give.

      Praying that his thoughts and feelings weren't being broadcast through his expression, Sunshine wandered aimlessly down the street and wondered how on earth he was going to handle all of this.

If it ends after the first time

* This story would take place during the final episode.  'The Real Folk Blues' is a song from the wonderful anime 'Cowboy Bebop' and is performed by Yoko Kanno and the Seatbelts.  Feedback is much appreciated.