DISCLAIMER: All except Beth and Aisling belong to George Lucas. All hail
the Great Flannelled One. But Aisling belongs to me and Beth belongs to a
friend and we belong to ourselves, dammit!
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany
This part is funnier than the last, it really is! I was told by my friend that it was awful depressing, but I had to put in the reason why Vader brought Aisling and Beth to the ship. By the way, I'm not sure if its meant to be the Executor or not, if anyone knows will they please tell me?
Some little things.
Things about inside jokes si that since I can understand them , I cant tell when I'm putting them in, so if theres something that you guys cant understand tell me!
Jaina Skywalker: like I said with the inside jokes above. And I know that Vader can tell when someones lying, but for the purpose of this fic, he cant, k?
Pitbull girl: can do, will do and, yeah you know what im saying.
Jay-Cee: yes you bloody are and I should know. By the way, use THAT again, and I'll post a picture of MICHAEL WAYNE on with this fic so that everyone can see exactly what your taste in men is like. For all who are not Jay- Cee, sorry.
Random vaderfan: you're right he does need craziness, and he's getting it by the ton aint he?
Celestia Vitaria, any time cant wait to see what you do to poor Qui-gon, *snigger*
I hope you enjoy this, and reviews as always are accepted with much thanks and kudos
Enjoy!
=============================================================
The lieutenant stared fixedly at a point to the right of the black helmet in front of him. A small tic jumping constantly under his right eye.
' I was in charge of the squad of six to apprehend the females as per your instructions my lord. The females were in a small outhouse to the rear of the dwelling,' the lieutenant said, starting his report. 'They appeared to be consuming alcoholic beverages and there were empty containers scattered around them. Despite this, they seemed extremely lucid. We entered the outhouse and they saw us.'
'What was their reaction?' Vader asked. The tic became more pronounced and Vader stared at it, oddly fascinated.
'They looked at us my lord and then,' the officer paused. 'The taller one (A/N Aisling) said, 'hey look, they want to join the party.' Then the other one said, (A/N Obviously Beth) she said, 'I got the one on the right.' ' Vader stared at the officer.
' 'I got the one on the right'?' he repeated.
'Yes my lord. We were surprised by this, but we went to apprehend them. They put up no resistance at all, they actually.' The officer halted, shaking. Vader snapped his fingers in front of the mans eyes and he snapped back into focus. 'I apologize my lord. I, I,'
'Continue with the report,' Vader snapped.
'They came forward and started, making advances my lord.'
'Advances?' Vader asked, bewildered.
'Yes my lord.'
'As in?'
'Yes my lord. Then when they were being secured, the shorter one said 'hey if you want freaky shit then you've got the wrong girl.' '
' 'Freaky shit?' ' Vader couldn't believe what he officer was saying, but from the look on the poor mans face, he was not making it up. Noone could look so horrified and not mean it. 'Are you talking about the energy binders?'
'Yes my lord. When I looked at the taller one, she was making faces.'
'Like?'
'Like, licking her lips, winking and smiling.'
'I see. And what the reaction of the other men?'
'Most of them were the same as mine. I couldn't believe it my lord, they were so, so.' The lieutenant drew a deep breath and plunged on. 'Corporal Krason and Corporal Greyston were not, my lord.'
'Krason and Greyston?' Vader asked. 'The ones who have been reprimanded twice for mistreating female prisoners?' Vader growled. 'I gave specific instructions that those prisoners were not to be harmed in any way.'
'Yes my lord,' the lieutenant nodded madly. 'And nothing happened,' the lieutenant tried unsuccessfully to smother a sudden evil grin.
'Explain,' Vader told him, beginning to smile as well.
'Well once the, pair were restrained, they were no trouble. Bar the comments, jokes, laughing, songs.' The way the officer said the last one prompted Vader to ask:
'Songs?' If it had been any other superior officer, the lieutenant would have buried his face in his hands, as it was he had to fight the urge not to break down on Vaders shoulder.
'Yes sir.' The tic was back and had brought friends. 'They sang things like,' he paused, going redder than the Imperial Guards robes. 'Sir, they were unlike any song I've heard before, sung by females,' he amended.
'Like?' Vader prompted.
'I can't really recall,' the lieutenant mumbled. Vader drew himself up to his full height, putting his fists on his hips.
'Lieutenant!' he roared. 'You will continue your report without interruptions! You are an officer of the Imperial Navy! Try and act like it!' The lieutenant jumped a foot in the air, all the tics magnifying by ten, and snapped a salute.
'They sang a song that had the words, 'I'm horny, horny, horny.' ' Vader was silent, the lieutenant burning with remembered and present mortification. 'And after that one and others like it, they started on a counting game.'
'A counting game?' a Vader asked, sounding oddly strangled but the lieutenant was too far-gone to notice anything. He just wanted to get the report done and then run for it.
'It started on 'two thousand bottles of beer on the wall, two thousand bottles of beer, take one down pass it around one thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall ' and so on, until they had counted them all.'
'They sang, that two thousand times?' Vader asked vaguely horrified. He had to give them credit for their method of torture anyway. The lieutenant shook his head, a painful look crossing his face.
'No my lord, they kept loosing count. They restarted five times before they finally finished. And then they started over again.'
'They spent the whole time singing that song?' The lieutenant shook his head, the tics suddenly disappearing as the evil smile resurfaced.
'Krason and Greyston went back to the brig without anyone noticing. The first we knew of it was when the females stopped singing and after about thirty seconds, Greyston came racing back to the bridge, his armour hanging in pieces and the underneath torn in, significant places.(A/N Care to guess how significant?) I went below to see what happened and I found Krason.' The officer smiled so evilly that Vader was slightly disturbed, but he found himself grinning along with him, imagining what state the disgraced stormtrooper was in. 'He is still in the bacta tank and has yet to regain consciousness. Greyston was closemouthed about the incident at first, but then when we offered to lock him in with the females, he told everything. It seems he and Krason had tried to, take advantage of the females, and they, basically pulled their nuts off and choked them with 'em.' Vader chuckled; he could just see the pair doing that.
'And after that?'
'After that, the females started singing their beer song again, FROM THE BEGINNING, about a decibel louder. They didn't stop until the shuttle docked. They were handed over to the stormtroopers on deck and I came here to give my report.'
'That is everything?' The lieutenant nodded, desperate to get out of there and start some other duties, like polishing the hull maybe. After that last experience, he would do it with a smile. 'Then you are dismissed. Lieutenant,' he said, before the officer could evaporate. 'You and your men are now off-duty for three days.'
'Thank you my lord.' Vader returned the salute and turned away as the officer made his well-deserved escape. The men would find an extra bonus in their pay this month for putting up with, and surviving, Aisling and Beth.
He turned and went into his meditation ball, he really needed to rest. He'd deal with the new guests of the Empire later.
Maybe he'd ask how to finish the Force-dammed game.
=============================================================
Don't you just feel so sorry for the poor lieutenant? I'll probably leave him alone now and let him recover for a while.
Warning, the lunacy of singing has not ended. It will continue and any suggestions to suitably filthy, iffy or other wise unnerving songs will be gratefully accepted. Pub songs in particular!
Sanity has no juristriction here!
AUTHOR: ihadanepiphany
This part is funnier than the last, it really is! I was told by my friend that it was awful depressing, but I had to put in the reason why Vader brought Aisling and Beth to the ship. By the way, I'm not sure if its meant to be the Executor or not, if anyone knows will they please tell me?
Some little things.
Things about inside jokes si that since I can understand them , I cant tell when I'm putting them in, so if theres something that you guys cant understand tell me!
Jaina Skywalker: like I said with the inside jokes above. And I know that Vader can tell when someones lying, but for the purpose of this fic, he cant, k?
Pitbull girl: can do, will do and, yeah you know what im saying.
Jay-Cee: yes you bloody are and I should know. By the way, use THAT again, and I'll post a picture of MICHAEL WAYNE on with this fic so that everyone can see exactly what your taste in men is like. For all who are not Jay- Cee, sorry.
Random vaderfan: you're right he does need craziness, and he's getting it by the ton aint he?
Celestia Vitaria, any time cant wait to see what you do to poor Qui-gon, *snigger*
I hope you enjoy this, and reviews as always are accepted with much thanks and kudos
Enjoy!
=============================================================
The lieutenant stared fixedly at a point to the right of the black helmet in front of him. A small tic jumping constantly under his right eye.
' I was in charge of the squad of six to apprehend the females as per your instructions my lord. The females were in a small outhouse to the rear of the dwelling,' the lieutenant said, starting his report. 'They appeared to be consuming alcoholic beverages and there were empty containers scattered around them. Despite this, they seemed extremely lucid. We entered the outhouse and they saw us.'
'What was their reaction?' Vader asked. The tic became more pronounced and Vader stared at it, oddly fascinated.
'They looked at us my lord and then,' the officer paused. 'The taller one (A/N Aisling) said, 'hey look, they want to join the party.' Then the other one said, (A/N Obviously Beth) she said, 'I got the one on the right.' ' Vader stared at the officer.
' 'I got the one on the right'?' he repeated.
'Yes my lord. We were surprised by this, but we went to apprehend them. They put up no resistance at all, they actually.' The officer halted, shaking. Vader snapped his fingers in front of the mans eyes and he snapped back into focus. 'I apologize my lord. I, I,'
'Continue with the report,' Vader snapped.
'They came forward and started, making advances my lord.'
'Advances?' Vader asked, bewildered.
'Yes my lord.'
'As in?'
'Yes my lord. Then when they were being secured, the shorter one said 'hey if you want freaky shit then you've got the wrong girl.' '
' 'Freaky shit?' ' Vader couldn't believe what he officer was saying, but from the look on the poor mans face, he was not making it up. Noone could look so horrified and not mean it. 'Are you talking about the energy binders?'
'Yes my lord. When I looked at the taller one, she was making faces.'
'Like?'
'Like, licking her lips, winking and smiling.'
'I see. And what the reaction of the other men?'
'Most of them were the same as mine. I couldn't believe it my lord, they were so, so.' The lieutenant drew a deep breath and plunged on. 'Corporal Krason and Corporal Greyston were not, my lord.'
'Krason and Greyston?' Vader asked. 'The ones who have been reprimanded twice for mistreating female prisoners?' Vader growled. 'I gave specific instructions that those prisoners were not to be harmed in any way.'
'Yes my lord,' the lieutenant nodded madly. 'And nothing happened,' the lieutenant tried unsuccessfully to smother a sudden evil grin.
'Explain,' Vader told him, beginning to smile as well.
'Well once the, pair were restrained, they were no trouble. Bar the comments, jokes, laughing, songs.' The way the officer said the last one prompted Vader to ask:
'Songs?' If it had been any other superior officer, the lieutenant would have buried his face in his hands, as it was he had to fight the urge not to break down on Vaders shoulder.
'Yes sir.' The tic was back and had brought friends. 'They sang things like,' he paused, going redder than the Imperial Guards robes. 'Sir, they were unlike any song I've heard before, sung by females,' he amended.
'Like?' Vader prompted.
'I can't really recall,' the lieutenant mumbled. Vader drew himself up to his full height, putting his fists on his hips.
'Lieutenant!' he roared. 'You will continue your report without interruptions! You are an officer of the Imperial Navy! Try and act like it!' The lieutenant jumped a foot in the air, all the tics magnifying by ten, and snapped a salute.
'They sang a song that had the words, 'I'm horny, horny, horny.' ' Vader was silent, the lieutenant burning with remembered and present mortification. 'And after that one and others like it, they started on a counting game.'
'A counting game?' a Vader asked, sounding oddly strangled but the lieutenant was too far-gone to notice anything. He just wanted to get the report done and then run for it.
'It started on 'two thousand bottles of beer on the wall, two thousand bottles of beer, take one down pass it around one thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall ' and so on, until they had counted them all.'
'They sang, that two thousand times?' Vader asked vaguely horrified. He had to give them credit for their method of torture anyway. The lieutenant shook his head, a painful look crossing his face.
'No my lord, they kept loosing count. They restarted five times before they finally finished. And then they started over again.'
'They spent the whole time singing that song?' The lieutenant shook his head, the tics suddenly disappearing as the evil smile resurfaced.
'Krason and Greyston went back to the brig without anyone noticing. The first we knew of it was when the females stopped singing and after about thirty seconds, Greyston came racing back to the bridge, his armour hanging in pieces and the underneath torn in, significant places.(A/N Care to guess how significant?) I went below to see what happened and I found Krason.' The officer smiled so evilly that Vader was slightly disturbed, but he found himself grinning along with him, imagining what state the disgraced stormtrooper was in. 'He is still in the bacta tank and has yet to regain consciousness. Greyston was closemouthed about the incident at first, but then when we offered to lock him in with the females, he told everything. It seems he and Krason had tried to, take advantage of the females, and they, basically pulled their nuts off and choked them with 'em.' Vader chuckled; he could just see the pair doing that.
'And after that?'
'After that, the females started singing their beer song again, FROM THE BEGINNING, about a decibel louder. They didn't stop until the shuttle docked. They were handed over to the stormtroopers on deck and I came here to give my report.'
'That is everything?' The lieutenant nodded, desperate to get out of there and start some other duties, like polishing the hull maybe. After that last experience, he would do it with a smile. 'Then you are dismissed. Lieutenant,' he said, before the officer could evaporate. 'You and your men are now off-duty for three days.'
'Thank you my lord.' Vader returned the salute and turned away as the officer made his well-deserved escape. The men would find an extra bonus in their pay this month for putting up with, and surviving, Aisling and Beth.
He turned and went into his meditation ball, he really needed to rest. He'd deal with the new guests of the Empire later.
Maybe he'd ask how to finish the Force-dammed game.
=============================================================
Don't you just feel so sorry for the poor lieutenant? I'll probably leave him alone now and let him recover for a while.
Warning, the lunacy of singing has not ended. It will continue and any suggestions to suitably filthy, iffy or other wise unnerving songs will be gratefully accepted. Pub songs in particular!
Sanity has no juristriction here!