DISLAIMER: I own nothing! Well Aisling is me, so she's mine and Beth is
Jacintha, so she's hers. But beyond that, I own nothing!! You sue and your
life will be more miserable than you can possibly imagine.
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?
I have no idea at all about this chapter. Basically, they're NOT in the Palace, hows that? *smirk*
Thank you guys so much!!! Reading the reviews you gave in really helps me relax after the exams, and I just have to say, once again, that YOU GUYS ALL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ABSOLUTLEY ROCK!!!!!!!
And now for the dedications: *looks at screen, whistles, rolls up sleeves and gets to work*
Celestia Vitaria: Ive SEEN Beths reaction! AND what she does afterwards! *shudder* Evil image! Image go away! And you actually did update! Woohoo!
Biblehermione: *shrug* Sure, if you wanna supply the car, insurance and hospital bill, sure! Hehehe! Addiction is fun!
Jedi Elf 666: I thank you for this supreme award and I will do my best to fulfill my duties of Supreme Overlord *cough* lady! *cough* of Evil Lunatics and Sex. Thrawn: Didn't we just fix the bed? Ihadanepiphany: And you're complaining, because? Thrawn: I have no idea…! Random Stormtrooper: Um, yeah, *averts eyes* She'll be gone for a while. Carry on regardless!
Dark Side Luke: I dunno, I've always kinda liked Xizor, but Jacintha got a phobia so I HAD to put it in! Yeah I know I'm gonna pay for it, but hey. The next one is gonna be written by Jacintha, which could be why I'm worried, but while she has a habit of turning things angsty, I will be standing behind her with a two-by-four, so no worries there! *smirk*
Storm13: *raises eyebrow* Oh yeah? Like what? An idea, have you? Tell me, you must! Methinks I should send you an oxygen cylinder!
Jade and Wendy: You have ambition, young ones! Actually, I usually have to go through what I write with a red pen and censor tape, believe it or not! Dirty-minded? You don't know the half! *smirk* Poor obedient stormtroopers? Any idiots who got sucked into serving the Empire and are not brave enough to defect are fair game in my opinion! *snigger* That's just an excuse! Yeah, *smirk* I know.
Dragonlet: As I said in the Author note at the end, not in this fic, in the sequel that is planned. And after all this advertising it had better get bloody written! *glances oh-so innocently at Jacintha* She stays long enough for Beth to get revenge *shudders violently* but after that, noone knows!
DragonElf-86: Revenge is marvellous isn't it? *snigger smirk* So do I! Yeah!
Jacintha: *smirk* No you don't, you just loathe me and will do so until the last sun in the galaxy has burnt out. *snigger* Good luck with yours. *mutter* Lucky whore-bitch! Finishes this shagging Tuesday! *smiles* Good luck! *scowl* Whore-bitch!
Jaina Skywalker: Thank you, its always nice to hear that its getting better! You've actually given me an idea, believe it or not! Thanks for it! Maybe that's true, but I'll always believe the best in him! *smile*
Cali Vianya: I am, amn't I? *snigger* Hehehehe! Sounds like my uncle, damn that, it sounds like ALL of them! Its official, my family are all complete loonies! So would I actually. And I have NO idea how she's gonna do it either, so that'll be fun!
Godforsaken: thank you, obv you like it since you've been coming back to it. Hehehehe! *jumps up and down and claps hands, then stops and picks up the Vampster donated by Aphy* With all the fresh blood, we will soon take over the whole world and after that…! *stops and looks puzzled, then shrugs and turns back to the keyboard, while the Vampster crawls off*
Weaver: Hehehehe!! *sound of ihadanepiphanys ego growing inches in diameter* Thanks, and good luck to you too in, whatever, just general good luck. *laughs* Not so much a PLOT as a string of screwball happenings, you know? But do you WANT the insanity to end with this fic? I know! But that will be explained! In the next chapter actually, but it will be explained! I promise! What, you think id have them drive AWAY from Han and Wedge for no reason? Hello?! Have you being paying attention to this?! *smirk* Anyhoo. Oh, you have evil exams too! Okay, best of luck on them!
Val: Tell your sister to sleep in and sorry, I know no remedy for stitches, possibly stop laughing? Yeah, I know, crazy. Well of course she's gonna let something slip! She does let a small bit go in this one, but later! *rubs hands together* Hehehehe! You'll have to wait for that! Wont you?
That it? Kewl.
BTW:
Giving shout-outs to BlueEllie with her and her friends fic "Different Reality" and one to Alphy with her fic "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" You are to go and read these fics now! Go! Now! I command you! And THEN come back and read this. K? *smirk* Seriously, those fics are HILARIOUS!!!!! I've been thrown out of the library three times in as many days for disrupting people whilst reading them!!!! (This is BETWEEN exams now) I've got bruises for falling out of my chair! And I'm mentioned in "Bloody Conspiracy!" HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE……..
Thrawn: ihadanepiphany has fallen victim to a laughing fit due to the memory of those fics. All that she can say at present is "Vampsters" and "Great Baldy." Don't ask. Read.
Ihadanepiphany: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Go enjoy them!
\ \ is Shyriiwook, k? Rather than have Han talk for Chewie, I gave him his own punctuation. Cos he's so deadly! Moving swiftly on.
Why, exactly, are you still reading this? Get on with the story!
Thud. Thud. Thud.
'No problem she says. At all she says.' Beth and Aisling were in a small nondescript room, Beth sitting in the sole chair and Aisling standing in the corner. 'Calm down she says.'
*Of all* Thud *The shagging people* Thud *In the entire shagging galaxy* Thud *To shagging rear end* Thud *We had to shagging rear end* Thud *Luke shagging Skywalker*
'Ill take you back to the palace she says,' Beth went on. 'Does this like the godsdammed Palace to you?!!' There was a louder thud.
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling said in a monotone.
'I will not shagging shut up!!' Beth yelled. 'You drive around the whole dammed planet trying to get rid of one speeder and then on the way back, you crash into another one!!!'
*As if* Thud *Han shagging Solo* Thud *And Wedge shagging Antilles* Thud *Weren't shagging bad enough* Thud *Along comes* Thud *Shagging Luke shagging Skywalker* Thud. Thud. Thud.
'I don't know about you but this wasn't in my plans for the evening!'
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling repeated. Beth looked at her friend, who seemed to be trying to break down a solid wall with her forehead.
'What the hell are you doing?'
'I'm adding powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood. What the HELL does it look like?'
'Do you really want to know?' Aisling sighed and turned away from the wall, rubbing absently at the angry red mark on her forehead. She paced the small room, lost in thought. Beth sat back and waited. When she finally spoke it was in the odd mix of languages that they found baffled all interpreter droids.
'I really don't want to be here,' she muttered.
'Oh, and I do?'
'How much do you bet that we're bugged?' Beth laughed shortly.
'By who?'
'Everyone. I'll bet whatever that airspeeders worth that Palpatine has a bug on us, whatever amount of pennies I'm worth that Vader has a separate one and the same again that Xizor's one as well.' She kicked viciously at nothing. 'And that's only the dammed Empire.'
'What the hells that supposed to mean?'
'Oh come on Beth! Haven't you realized yet who those guys are?'
'No,' Beth admitted defensively.
'The shagging Rebel Alliance that's who,' Aisling snapped. 'Exactly where I didn't want to end up.' Beth stared at her, nonplussed.
'Yes cos we all know how much you love the Empire and all it stands for.' Aisling scowled at her.
'Don't be an idiot,' she snapped. 'The Alliance no doubt already knows who we are, its not like they don't have Intelligence in the Palace. And probably why we're allowed get away with as much stuff as we do.'
'Huh?' Beth was puzzled. 'I thought it was because of our charming personalities.'
'Oh please! It's because they want what's in my head! And cos we keep the entire Palace on their toes,' she added. 'And cos Vader would probably throw a hissy fit if we were harmed.'
'What's in your head?' Beth laughed. 'When you have delusions of grandeur, you really go big don't you?'
'Oh shut up.'
*~*
'What are they saying?' Han Solo asked, irritated. The two females had stopped arguing and were now holding some kind of conversation that involved a helluva lot of giggling.
'I have no idea,' Leia Organa replied. 'I've never even heard that language before, or any like it.'
\They're probably the pair who's been causing all that trouble in the palace\ Chewbacca offered.
'Well they match the descriptions anyway,' Solo muttered. 'But they don't look all that dangerous.'
\Since when has that got to do with anything?\
'Where's C3PO?' Leia asked, looking around. 'He might be able understand them.'
'The reports from the palace are very definite about what their public conversations are like,' Solo reminded her. 'Are you sure you want to know about what they're saying now?' he asked, motioning to the real-time holo- screen that showed the inside of the room where the two females were being held. Leia looked again at the screen
'Well,' she said, eyeing the holo. 'I've never been one to pass up on an opportunity to learn.'
Before Solo could comment further, the door opened and in came C3PO and R2D2.
'How may we be of service?' C3PO asked. Leia motioned to the screen.
'They're speaking a language none of us knows. Can you decipher it?'
'Ill try, I am fluent in 6 million forms of communication after all.'
'Yeah, yeah,' Solo muttered. 'Can you understand them or not?'
If the droid could have, Solo had no doubt that he would have been on the receiving end of one of the filthiest looks in the history of the galaxy. Still, C3PO managed to give off the air of a bruised ego as he made his way to the terminal. (A/N Amazing how Anthony Daniels manages to make the droid look offended and everything, isn't it?)
He stood there silently for a few minutes. Eventually Chewie got impatient and let him know about it.
'Of course I'm capable of this task Chewbacca,' C3PO snapped back. 'Your highness,' he said to Leia. 'I have discovered that they are not speaking one language, but at least three.'
'At least?' Leia asked.
'Yes. In one particular sentence there is one language, in another there is five.'
'Five?' Solos repeated. 'They're jumping languages from word to word?'
'Precisely, although the use of the Huttese word "Poodoo" can probably be discounted.' He paused, listening to a long spiel. 'One of them is using words and phrases from Huttese and Rodian as well as the three languages that the other seems to be restricted to.' (A/N Cursing in Huttese is so much fun cos noone can tell if you're really saying anything or just muttering nonsense. Also because they cant understand a thing you're saying!)
'Some restriction.'
\Can you understand it?\ Chewie asked.
'Oh yes. It's quite simple really. One tongue is merely Basic with some letters rearranged. Another is a very primitive dialect of a language that has been dead for about 500 years. I am unable to translate the third, however it should not prove a problem.'
'Can you speak them?' Leia asked.
'Yes, though I doubt that will be necessary. They are both proficient in Basic, as reports from the palace can prove.'
'Well what are you waiting for?' Solo asked impatiently. 'Tell us what they're saying.'
'Of course. They're arguing about who would win a battle, Aderva or Oldermortva.' He paused. 'I am unfamiliar with who they mean. These could be the real names of the beings. But they may also be rearranging the letters of the names, in which case they would mean Vader and Voldemort.' (A/N Alright, who guessed that one of them was pig-Latin? Own up!)
*~*
'Oh come on! Vader would so kick wizard boys arse,' Aisling laughed. 'Who needs a bit of driftwood with a piece of some birds moulted coat in it when you've got the Force?!'
'Hey! All Voldemort would have to do is point his wand and say "Avada Kadavra" and its bye-bye Darth,' Beth countered.
'Yeah but he's got to be able to breathe to say it don't he? Vader can Force-choke a man from the other side of the galaxy, you think he can't stop a wizard from saying two words?'
'Voldemorts killed hundreds of Witches and Wizards.'
'And he got beat by a child in nappies,' Aisling pointed out.
'Only because his mother sacrificed herself to save him and the Voldemorts curse rebounded on him!'
'That's even worse!' Aisling laughed. 'Because of Harry's mothers noble sacrifice, Voldemort, the big bad of the Wizardly world, got reduced to a parasite!'
'He regenerates in Goblet of Fire!' Beth said hotly.
'After he lives on the back of peoples heads! Then in a journal!! What the hell kind of guy goes and puts himself in a book?!'
'The kind of guy who plans ahead!'
'The kind of guy who knows he's gonna fail you mean!'
'Voldemort did not fail!!'
'Oh no, he just took a 15 year holiday! During which he got his arse kicked how many times by Harry Potter? The same child who made him live on the back of peoples heads?!'
'All Voldemort would have to do is say "Assio Ventilator" and Vaders helpless!!'
'All Vader would have to do is break the dammed wand and Voldemorts worse than helpless!! And he doesn't have to do any wand waving to do it!!' Aisling suddenly pointed at Beth. 'Don't say it. Whatever you're gonna say, don't say it. I don't want to hear anything about Vader and wand waving.'
'I wasn't going to mention anything like that!' Beth retorted, lying through her teeth. 'You're the filthy-minded one here you know!'
You've been hanging around with me for how many years?' Aisling commented, sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing Beth. 'Something's got to have rubbed off by now.'
'I was actually gonna say something about his lightsaber,' Beth sniffed, the picture of injured innocence. Aisling stared at her, stony-faced. 'I meant to ask him if he'd let me watch while he trained with one of those droids he's always fighting.'
'Slicing into super-heated slivers, you mean,' Aisling replied, though relaxing a bit. Beth grinned slyly.
'And then I'd ask to see his other lightsaber.'
Aisling face was a picture that no artist would dare draw.
*~*
The room full of listeners was absolutely silent, each mind replaying the words that C3PO translated, each mind rebelling from the images they evoked.
'I think that's officially the most disgusting thing I've ever heard,' Leia said, in a shocked monotone.
*~*
'You whore-bitch! You sick twisted little, eeugh, whore-bitch!!' Aisling yelled. Beth pissed herself laughing as Aisling eeughed acked and shuddered her way through a good-sized cringe fit. 'Oh, you evil-minded, perverted, slime-brained, moronic, ignorant, WHORE-BITCH!!! Oh dear gods I've got an image.'
'What?' Beth asked as Aisling scrubbed at her eyes. 'I think he'd be good.'
'You're an idiot,' Aisling growled, rubbing her temples. Maybe if she rubbed hard enough she'd break through to her brain and shed get rid of the image that way. She'd most likely die in the process, but hey. 'Its not even possible.'
'Everything's possible. Aisling dropped her hands, giving up trying to get rid of the evil image that way, and focused on her friend.
'Not this. The whole mask, helmet, ventilator thing is for a reason. That's an atmosphere suit he wears and they have to be sealed to work.'
'And? Its all for show isn't it?' Aisling stared at her and started giggling.
'You really are a simple creature,' she gasped when partly recovered. 'He fell into a molten pit, some say a volcano, when fighting Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi a few years back. The fumes and stuff destroyed his lungs and now he can only breathe highly processed and scrubbed oxygen. And as I said, atmosphere suits have to be sealed to work.'
'Yeah but he must take the mask off to eat and drink and stuff,' Beth pointed out, clearly looking for a way around the problem.
'In his meditation chamber ball thingy, the air is specially treated so that he can take off the mask without it killing him. And before you ask,' she continued hurriedly, somehow knowing exactly what Beth would ask next. 'No you can't breathe that air, it's too highly processed for your lungs to take in without being ripped to shreds.' Aisling groaned and rubbed at her temples again, the image still hadn't gone away. 'Can we PLEASE take about something else now?' she pleaded.
*~*
Han, Chewie and Leia turned as the door to the room hissed open.
'Hey Luke,' Han said. 'How's the speeder?'
'I'm sure I can fix it,' Luke said, coming in. 'The damage isn't that bad anyway.'
'Han, look,' Leia said, pointing at the screen. The girl seated on the floor had turned around; her eyes were combing the walls, looking for something.
*~*
'What is it?' Beth asked. Aisling shivered and unconsciously rubbed her arms.
'Someone walked over my grave,' she murmured, standing. She went to the wall, scrutinising it. 'There's something,' she muttered to herself.
*~*
'Hey, she can't tell that we're watching, can she?' Solo asked, as Aisling searched a small area of wall that just happened to contain the probe that was hidden in the wall.
\It shouldn't be possible,\ Chewie replied, a bit doubtfully.
*~*
Aisling traced a certain area of the wall with her fingertips.
'Aisling, what are you doing?' Beth asked, somewhat worriedly.
'Ill tell you if I'm right.'
*~*
Everyone held their breath as the girls hand passed over the little probe, then relaxed as it moved on.
'I guess that's it then,' C3PO said, matter-of-factly.
\Guess again.\
*~*
'Got it!' Aisling cried as she felt the small bug.
'Got what?' Beth asked as Aisling started digging the probe out with her fingernails.
'How our friends in the Alliance,' Aisling said, then hissed a curse as a nail broke above the quick and started to bleed. 'Are keeping an eye on us.' Silently, Beth handed her a pocketknife.
'Where'd you get that from?' Aisling asked, taking it. Beth shrugged.
'Those Rebels are really careless with their stuff.'
With the aid of the commandeered knife, the probe was soon out and resting in Aislings hand.
*~*
'How did she get that?' Leia snapped. 'How did she find the dammed probe?'
'How am I supposed to know?' Solo snapped back.
Luke stared at the holoscreen, which dipped and swung dizzyingly as the probe was rolled around and examined. He slipped out of the room as Han and Leias squabbling distracted the others.
*~*
'Tiny power source,' Aisling mused. She had managed to take the casing off the little bug was poking around in the inside. 'An aerial, short range.'
'How can you tell?'
'Uncle John.'
'Ah.'
'Yep.'
There was silence for a few moments, as Aisling further took the probe apart.
'That Uncle John?' Beth asked after a while. 'The one who runs the electronics shop in town?'
'Yeah.' Silence.
'The one who knows all there is to know about radios and things?'
'Yes.' More silence.
'The one who was in the Army?'
'Yes! Is there a point to this?'
'No, I just wondered how far I'd get.'
'Er hello?' They turned to see Luke in the now-opened doorway. 'I know you can understand me. I'm Luke Skywalker, and you are?'
'Aisling O' Connell,' Aisling replied in Basic after a moment. 'And this is Bethany Walsh.' Beth eyed the youth and remembered one of the few Star Wars lines that she had involuntarily learned.
'No,' she began. 'I am your mmph. Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph!'
'Er why are you doing that?' Luke asked. Aisling looked at him.
'Doing what?' she asked innocently, ignoring the pissed off Beth.
'Covering her mouth with your hand?'
'Mmph!'
'Am I?' Aisling asked, in apparent shock. She looked at Beth and yes! her hand was clamped over her friends mouth. 'Oh look at that, I am.' She grinned at Luke.
'You're still doing it.'
'Doing what?'
'Covering her mouth.'
'Oh, so I am.' She removed her hand and Beth glared at her.
'There was no need for that!' she growled. Aisling raised an eyebrow.
'No?' she asked in one of the languages.
C3PO walked in the door.
'Hello,' he said in the same way. 'I am C3PO, Human-Cyborg relations.' Both girls gaped at him, argument forgotten.
'Well done,' Aisling mused. 'I trust you can understand me then,' she said in one tongue.
'Yes of course,' he answered in kind.
'Then you know that your arm is about to fall off,' she said in another. C3PO looked at his arms.
'No they're not,' he denied in the same tongue.
'My mistake,' she said in the third. C3PO didn't reply so she went on. 'I know that protocol droids can be high maintenance at times.' Still nothing. She smirked. 'You are fluent in over six million forms of communication?' she asked in Basic.
'But he cant speak teenager,' Beth muttered. Aisling shot her an evil look.
'Excuse my companion,' she said. 'She is permanently deficient of a cerebrum.' This comment earned her a foul look and a smack upside the head. She, naturally enough, retaliated with an elbow to Beth's ribs. Beth punched her arm. After that, it was difficult to tell.
'Hey, hey, hey!' Solo yelled, running into the room and pulling Beth off of Aisling who was being restrained by Luke.
'What the hell do you think you're doing, coming between two women in an important fight?!' Beth yelled. 'You damned fluke!' Then she turned around. 'Oh! Harrison Ford!' Aisling groaned and put her head in her hands. Luke gave her an odd look.
'What?' he asked.
'Beths moving in on Han!' Aisling growled. 'Leias gonna bloody kill her,' she said under her breath. Then she seemed to remember where she was and moved out of Lukes grip. 'Er, thanks but I'm sure I can restrain any homicidal rages now,' she told him, moving backwards. Beth, on the other hand had forgotten completely where she was.
'Er, no, my name is Han Solo,' Han was saying, belatedly wondering where the exit was. Beth smirked.
'Sure,' she said, moving closer to him as he scooted backwards. 'Tell me, do have your hat?'
'My hat?' In his retreating, his back slammed up against the wall. Beth grinned wider. 'I, I, I don't have a hat,' he managed to say.
'Sure you don't,' she murmured.
'Oh bloody hellfire,' Aisling growled, grabbing Beth by the shoulder and hauling her backwards. 'You,' she said to Luke. 'Get him out of here. You,' she hissed at Beth when the two men had left, in Hans case rather speedily. 'Do you WANT Leia to put your head on a pike?'
'What's Leia got to do with anything?' Beth grumbled. 'I thought she was doing the other one. I want Ford!' she wailed. 'If I knew that he was so fine I would actually WATCH those films.'
'Leia doing who? Luke?' Aisling collapsed into giggles. 'Please! She may think she doesn't want Han, but sweet hell she does! And if you insist on moving in on him, she will kill you.' Aisling paused. 'She's rather bloodthirsty for an Alderaanian.'
'Alderwhatian?' Beth asked still miffed over not being able to get Ford.
'Alderaanian! As in from Alderaan? The planet the Empire blew up?!' Beths face was still blank. 'You know well that Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star!' Aisling snapped, getting a bit pissed off.
'What? Huh?' Beth murmured. 'Were you saying something?' Aisling stared at her.
'You were fantasising about Solo, weren't you?' she said suspiciously. Beth grinned and looked down.
'Well, er, yeah,' she admitted. 'I cant help it! He's so dammed fine! I just looove him in Indiana Jones!' Aisling rolled her eyes and growled, resisting the urge to hit something, anything!
'That is not, repeat NOT Harrison Ford!' she hissed. 'That is Han Solo! Captain of the Millennium Falcon! Goes around with a dammed big Wookie who owes him a life-debt! Great friends with Luke, saved the Rebellions arses when he blew Vader out of the sky and future husband to Princess Leia Organa!' she shouted, then clapped her hands over her mouth. 'Oh dear gods!' she moaned. 'I've probably screwed up the entire course of the future!'
'Do you really care?' Beth asked matter-of-factly. 'More to the point, do I really care?' Aislings sigh answered both questions and she smiled. 'Now tell me, would HAN have a hat?'
So waddya think? Its a bit long I know, but you guys have been patient and so I've decided to treat ye!
Thank you guys again for being so nice! I still haven't got one single flame, ever! *shoots a warning look at readers* That was NOT an invite for flames! Though it wouldn't bother me, its cold here right now (even though its JUNE!! Thrawn: epiphany, its Ireland, its ALWAYS cold and rainy!! Ihadaneipihany: *growl*) and the flames will keep me warm.
Warning, am not, repeat NOT finished Leaving Cert, in case any of you guys think that this means a return to previous patterns of updates. Only got this up cos it's the w-end. Don't expect anything till at least Thursday, k? Deadly.
Bye!!
Now go read "Different Reality" and "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" Now!
AUTHOR: Well if you haven't spotted it by now you're no use to anyone are you?
I have no idea at all about this chapter. Basically, they're NOT in the Palace, hows that? *smirk*
Thank you guys so much!!! Reading the reviews you gave in really helps me relax after the exams, and I just have to say, once again, that YOU GUYS ALL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ABSOLUTLEY ROCK!!!!!!!
And now for the dedications: *looks at screen, whistles, rolls up sleeves and gets to work*
Celestia Vitaria: Ive SEEN Beths reaction! AND what she does afterwards! *shudder* Evil image! Image go away! And you actually did update! Woohoo!
Biblehermione: *shrug* Sure, if you wanna supply the car, insurance and hospital bill, sure! Hehehe! Addiction is fun!
Jedi Elf 666: I thank you for this supreme award and I will do my best to fulfill my duties of Supreme Overlord *cough* lady! *cough* of Evil Lunatics and Sex. Thrawn: Didn't we just fix the bed? Ihadanepiphany: And you're complaining, because? Thrawn: I have no idea…! Random Stormtrooper: Um, yeah, *averts eyes* She'll be gone for a while. Carry on regardless!
Dark Side Luke: I dunno, I've always kinda liked Xizor, but Jacintha got a phobia so I HAD to put it in! Yeah I know I'm gonna pay for it, but hey. The next one is gonna be written by Jacintha, which could be why I'm worried, but while she has a habit of turning things angsty, I will be standing behind her with a two-by-four, so no worries there! *smirk*
Storm13: *raises eyebrow* Oh yeah? Like what? An idea, have you? Tell me, you must! Methinks I should send you an oxygen cylinder!
Jade and Wendy: You have ambition, young ones! Actually, I usually have to go through what I write with a red pen and censor tape, believe it or not! Dirty-minded? You don't know the half! *smirk* Poor obedient stormtroopers? Any idiots who got sucked into serving the Empire and are not brave enough to defect are fair game in my opinion! *snigger* That's just an excuse! Yeah, *smirk* I know.
Dragonlet: As I said in the Author note at the end, not in this fic, in the sequel that is planned. And after all this advertising it had better get bloody written! *glances oh-so innocently at Jacintha* She stays long enough for Beth to get revenge *shudders violently* but after that, noone knows!
DragonElf-86: Revenge is marvellous isn't it? *snigger smirk* So do I! Yeah!
Jacintha: *smirk* No you don't, you just loathe me and will do so until the last sun in the galaxy has burnt out. *snigger* Good luck with yours. *mutter* Lucky whore-bitch! Finishes this shagging Tuesday! *smiles* Good luck! *scowl* Whore-bitch!
Jaina Skywalker: Thank you, its always nice to hear that its getting better! You've actually given me an idea, believe it or not! Thanks for it! Maybe that's true, but I'll always believe the best in him! *smile*
Cali Vianya: I am, amn't I? *snigger* Hehehehe! Sounds like my uncle, damn that, it sounds like ALL of them! Its official, my family are all complete loonies! So would I actually. And I have NO idea how she's gonna do it either, so that'll be fun!
Godforsaken: thank you, obv you like it since you've been coming back to it. Hehehehe! *jumps up and down and claps hands, then stops and picks up the Vampster donated by Aphy* With all the fresh blood, we will soon take over the whole world and after that…! *stops and looks puzzled, then shrugs and turns back to the keyboard, while the Vampster crawls off*
Weaver: Hehehehe!! *sound of ihadanepiphanys ego growing inches in diameter* Thanks, and good luck to you too in, whatever, just general good luck. *laughs* Not so much a PLOT as a string of screwball happenings, you know? But do you WANT the insanity to end with this fic? I know! But that will be explained! In the next chapter actually, but it will be explained! I promise! What, you think id have them drive AWAY from Han and Wedge for no reason? Hello?! Have you being paying attention to this?! *smirk* Anyhoo. Oh, you have evil exams too! Okay, best of luck on them!
Val: Tell your sister to sleep in and sorry, I know no remedy for stitches, possibly stop laughing? Yeah, I know, crazy. Well of course she's gonna let something slip! She does let a small bit go in this one, but later! *rubs hands together* Hehehehe! You'll have to wait for that! Wont you?
That it? Kewl.
BTW:
Giving shout-outs to BlueEllie with her and her friends fic "Different Reality" and one to Alphy with her fic "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" You are to go and read these fics now! Go! Now! I command you! And THEN come back and read this. K? *smirk* Seriously, those fics are HILARIOUS!!!!! I've been thrown out of the library three times in as many days for disrupting people whilst reading them!!!! (This is BETWEEN exams now) I've got bruises for falling out of my chair! And I'm mentioned in "Bloody Conspiracy!" HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE……..
Thrawn: ihadanepiphany has fallen victim to a laughing fit due to the memory of those fics. All that she can say at present is "Vampsters" and "Great Baldy." Don't ask. Read.
Ihadanepiphany: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Go enjoy them!
\ \ is Shyriiwook, k? Rather than have Han talk for Chewie, I gave him his own punctuation. Cos he's so deadly! Moving swiftly on.
Why, exactly, are you still reading this? Get on with the story!
Thud. Thud. Thud.
'No problem she says. At all she says.' Beth and Aisling were in a small nondescript room, Beth sitting in the sole chair and Aisling standing in the corner. 'Calm down she says.'
*Of all* Thud *The shagging people* Thud *In the entire shagging galaxy* Thud *To shagging rear end* Thud *We had to shagging rear end* Thud *Luke shagging Skywalker*
'Ill take you back to the palace she says,' Beth went on. 'Does this like the godsdammed Palace to you?!!' There was a louder thud.
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling said in a monotone.
'I will not shagging shut up!!' Beth yelled. 'You drive around the whole dammed planet trying to get rid of one speeder and then on the way back, you crash into another one!!!'
*As if* Thud *Han shagging Solo* Thud *And Wedge shagging Antilles* Thud *Weren't shagging bad enough* Thud *Along comes* Thud *Shagging Luke shagging Skywalker* Thud. Thud. Thud.
'I don't know about you but this wasn't in my plans for the evening!'
'Shut up Beth,' Aisling repeated. Beth looked at her friend, who seemed to be trying to break down a solid wall with her forehead.
'What the hell are you doing?'
'I'm adding powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood. What the HELL does it look like?'
'Do you really want to know?' Aisling sighed and turned away from the wall, rubbing absently at the angry red mark on her forehead. She paced the small room, lost in thought. Beth sat back and waited. When she finally spoke it was in the odd mix of languages that they found baffled all interpreter droids.
'I really don't want to be here,' she muttered.
'Oh, and I do?'
'How much do you bet that we're bugged?' Beth laughed shortly.
'By who?'
'Everyone. I'll bet whatever that airspeeders worth that Palpatine has a bug on us, whatever amount of pennies I'm worth that Vader has a separate one and the same again that Xizor's one as well.' She kicked viciously at nothing. 'And that's only the dammed Empire.'
'What the hells that supposed to mean?'
'Oh come on Beth! Haven't you realized yet who those guys are?'
'No,' Beth admitted defensively.
'The shagging Rebel Alliance that's who,' Aisling snapped. 'Exactly where I didn't want to end up.' Beth stared at her, nonplussed.
'Yes cos we all know how much you love the Empire and all it stands for.' Aisling scowled at her.
'Don't be an idiot,' she snapped. 'The Alliance no doubt already knows who we are, its not like they don't have Intelligence in the Palace. And probably why we're allowed get away with as much stuff as we do.'
'Huh?' Beth was puzzled. 'I thought it was because of our charming personalities.'
'Oh please! It's because they want what's in my head! And cos we keep the entire Palace on their toes,' she added. 'And cos Vader would probably throw a hissy fit if we were harmed.'
'What's in your head?' Beth laughed. 'When you have delusions of grandeur, you really go big don't you?'
'Oh shut up.'
*~*
'What are they saying?' Han Solo asked, irritated. The two females had stopped arguing and were now holding some kind of conversation that involved a helluva lot of giggling.
'I have no idea,' Leia Organa replied. 'I've never even heard that language before, or any like it.'
\They're probably the pair who's been causing all that trouble in the palace\ Chewbacca offered.
'Well they match the descriptions anyway,' Solo muttered. 'But they don't look all that dangerous.'
\Since when has that got to do with anything?\
'Where's C3PO?' Leia asked, looking around. 'He might be able understand them.'
'The reports from the palace are very definite about what their public conversations are like,' Solo reminded her. 'Are you sure you want to know about what they're saying now?' he asked, motioning to the real-time holo- screen that showed the inside of the room where the two females were being held. Leia looked again at the screen
'Well,' she said, eyeing the holo. 'I've never been one to pass up on an opportunity to learn.'
Before Solo could comment further, the door opened and in came C3PO and R2D2.
'How may we be of service?' C3PO asked. Leia motioned to the screen.
'They're speaking a language none of us knows. Can you decipher it?'
'Ill try, I am fluent in 6 million forms of communication after all.'
'Yeah, yeah,' Solo muttered. 'Can you understand them or not?'
If the droid could have, Solo had no doubt that he would have been on the receiving end of one of the filthiest looks in the history of the galaxy. Still, C3PO managed to give off the air of a bruised ego as he made his way to the terminal. (A/N Amazing how Anthony Daniels manages to make the droid look offended and everything, isn't it?)
He stood there silently for a few minutes. Eventually Chewie got impatient and let him know about it.
'Of course I'm capable of this task Chewbacca,' C3PO snapped back. 'Your highness,' he said to Leia. 'I have discovered that they are not speaking one language, but at least three.'
'At least?' Leia asked.
'Yes. In one particular sentence there is one language, in another there is five.'
'Five?' Solos repeated. 'They're jumping languages from word to word?'
'Precisely, although the use of the Huttese word "Poodoo" can probably be discounted.' He paused, listening to a long spiel. 'One of them is using words and phrases from Huttese and Rodian as well as the three languages that the other seems to be restricted to.' (A/N Cursing in Huttese is so much fun cos noone can tell if you're really saying anything or just muttering nonsense. Also because they cant understand a thing you're saying!)
'Some restriction.'
\Can you understand it?\ Chewie asked.
'Oh yes. It's quite simple really. One tongue is merely Basic with some letters rearranged. Another is a very primitive dialect of a language that has been dead for about 500 years. I am unable to translate the third, however it should not prove a problem.'
'Can you speak them?' Leia asked.
'Yes, though I doubt that will be necessary. They are both proficient in Basic, as reports from the palace can prove.'
'Well what are you waiting for?' Solo asked impatiently. 'Tell us what they're saying.'
'Of course. They're arguing about who would win a battle, Aderva or Oldermortva.' He paused. 'I am unfamiliar with who they mean. These could be the real names of the beings. But they may also be rearranging the letters of the names, in which case they would mean Vader and Voldemort.' (A/N Alright, who guessed that one of them was pig-Latin? Own up!)
*~*
'Oh come on! Vader would so kick wizard boys arse,' Aisling laughed. 'Who needs a bit of driftwood with a piece of some birds moulted coat in it when you've got the Force?!'
'Hey! All Voldemort would have to do is point his wand and say "Avada Kadavra" and its bye-bye Darth,' Beth countered.
'Yeah but he's got to be able to breathe to say it don't he? Vader can Force-choke a man from the other side of the galaxy, you think he can't stop a wizard from saying two words?'
'Voldemorts killed hundreds of Witches and Wizards.'
'And he got beat by a child in nappies,' Aisling pointed out.
'Only because his mother sacrificed herself to save him and the Voldemorts curse rebounded on him!'
'That's even worse!' Aisling laughed. 'Because of Harry's mothers noble sacrifice, Voldemort, the big bad of the Wizardly world, got reduced to a parasite!'
'He regenerates in Goblet of Fire!' Beth said hotly.
'After he lives on the back of peoples heads! Then in a journal!! What the hell kind of guy goes and puts himself in a book?!'
'The kind of guy who plans ahead!'
'The kind of guy who knows he's gonna fail you mean!'
'Voldemort did not fail!!'
'Oh no, he just took a 15 year holiday! During which he got his arse kicked how many times by Harry Potter? The same child who made him live on the back of peoples heads?!'
'All Voldemort would have to do is say "Assio Ventilator" and Vaders helpless!!'
'All Vader would have to do is break the dammed wand and Voldemorts worse than helpless!! And he doesn't have to do any wand waving to do it!!' Aisling suddenly pointed at Beth. 'Don't say it. Whatever you're gonna say, don't say it. I don't want to hear anything about Vader and wand waving.'
'I wasn't going to mention anything like that!' Beth retorted, lying through her teeth. 'You're the filthy-minded one here you know!'
You've been hanging around with me for how many years?' Aisling commented, sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing Beth. 'Something's got to have rubbed off by now.'
'I was actually gonna say something about his lightsaber,' Beth sniffed, the picture of injured innocence. Aisling stared at her, stony-faced. 'I meant to ask him if he'd let me watch while he trained with one of those droids he's always fighting.'
'Slicing into super-heated slivers, you mean,' Aisling replied, though relaxing a bit. Beth grinned slyly.
'And then I'd ask to see his other lightsaber.'
Aisling face was a picture that no artist would dare draw.
*~*
The room full of listeners was absolutely silent, each mind replaying the words that C3PO translated, each mind rebelling from the images they evoked.
'I think that's officially the most disgusting thing I've ever heard,' Leia said, in a shocked monotone.
*~*
'You whore-bitch! You sick twisted little, eeugh, whore-bitch!!' Aisling yelled. Beth pissed herself laughing as Aisling eeughed acked and shuddered her way through a good-sized cringe fit. 'Oh, you evil-minded, perverted, slime-brained, moronic, ignorant, WHORE-BITCH!!! Oh dear gods I've got an image.'
'What?' Beth asked as Aisling scrubbed at her eyes. 'I think he'd be good.'
'You're an idiot,' Aisling growled, rubbing her temples. Maybe if she rubbed hard enough she'd break through to her brain and shed get rid of the image that way. She'd most likely die in the process, but hey. 'Its not even possible.'
'Everything's possible. Aisling dropped her hands, giving up trying to get rid of the evil image that way, and focused on her friend.
'Not this. The whole mask, helmet, ventilator thing is for a reason. That's an atmosphere suit he wears and they have to be sealed to work.'
'And? Its all for show isn't it?' Aisling stared at her and started giggling.
'You really are a simple creature,' she gasped when partly recovered. 'He fell into a molten pit, some say a volcano, when fighting Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi a few years back. The fumes and stuff destroyed his lungs and now he can only breathe highly processed and scrubbed oxygen. And as I said, atmosphere suits have to be sealed to work.'
'Yeah but he must take the mask off to eat and drink and stuff,' Beth pointed out, clearly looking for a way around the problem.
'In his meditation chamber ball thingy, the air is specially treated so that he can take off the mask without it killing him. And before you ask,' she continued hurriedly, somehow knowing exactly what Beth would ask next. 'No you can't breathe that air, it's too highly processed for your lungs to take in without being ripped to shreds.' Aisling groaned and rubbed at her temples again, the image still hadn't gone away. 'Can we PLEASE take about something else now?' she pleaded.
*~*
Han, Chewie and Leia turned as the door to the room hissed open.
'Hey Luke,' Han said. 'How's the speeder?'
'I'm sure I can fix it,' Luke said, coming in. 'The damage isn't that bad anyway.'
'Han, look,' Leia said, pointing at the screen. The girl seated on the floor had turned around; her eyes were combing the walls, looking for something.
*~*
'What is it?' Beth asked. Aisling shivered and unconsciously rubbed her arms.
'Someone walked over my grave,' she murmured, standing. She went to the wall, scrutinising it. 'There's something,' she muttered to herself.
*~*
'Hey, she can't tell that we're watching, can she?' Solo asked, as Aisling searched a small area of wall that just happened to contain the probe that was hidden in the wall.
\It shouldn't be possible,\ Chewie replied, a bit doubtfully.
*~*
Aisling traced a certain area of the wall with her fingertips.
'Aisling, what are you doing?' Beth asked, somewhat worriedly.
'Ill tell you if I'm right.'
*~*
Everyone held their breath as the girls hand passed over the little probe, then relaxed as it moved on.
'I guess that's it then,' C3PO said, matter-of-factly.
\Guess again.\
*~*
'Got it!' Aisling cried as she felt the small bug.
'Got what?' Beth asked as Aisling started digging the probe out with her fingernails.
'How our friends in the Alliance,' Aisling said, then hissed a curse as a nail broke above the quick and started to bleed. 'Are keeping an eye on us.' Silently, Beth handed her a pocketknife.
'Where'd you get that from?' Aisling asked, taking it. Beth shrugged.
'Those Rebels are really careless with their stuff.'
With the aid of the commandeered knife, the probe was soon out and resting in Aislings hand.
*~*
'How did she get that?' Leia snapped. 'How did she find the dammed probe?'
'How am I supposed to know?' Solo snapped back.
Luke stared at the holoscreen, which dipped and swung dizzyingly as the probe was rolled around and examined. He slipped out of the room as Han and Leias squabbling distracted the others.
*~*
'Tiny power source,' Aisling mused. She had managed to take the casing off the little bug was poking around in the inside. 'An aerial, short range.'
'How can you tell?'
'Uncle John.'
'Ah.'
'Yep.'
There was silence for a few moments, as Aisling further took the probe apart.
'That Uncle John?' Beth asked after a while. 'The one who runs the electronics shop in town?'
'Yeah.' Silence.
'The one who knows all there is to know about radios and things?'
'Yes.' More silence.
'The one who was in the Army?'
'Yes! Is there a point to this?'
'No, I just wondered how far I'd get.'
'Er hello?' They turned to see Luke in the now-opened doorway. 'I know you can understand me. I'm Luke Skywalker, and you are?'
'Aisling O' Connell,' Aisling replied in Basic after a moment. 'And this is Bethany Walsh.' Beth eyed the youth and remembered one of the few Star Wars lines that she had involuntarily learned.
'No,' she began. 'I am your mmph. Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph!'
'Er why are you doing that?' Luke asked. Aisling looked at him.
'Doing what?' she asked innocently, ignoring the pissed off Beth.
'Covering her mouth with your hand?'
'Mmph!'
'Am I?' Aisling asked, in apparent shock. She looked at Beth and yes! her hand was clamped over her friends mouth. 'Oh look at that, I am.' She grinned at Luke.
'You're still doing it.'
'Doing what?'
'Covering her mouth.'
'Oh, so I am.' She removed her hand and Beth glared at her.
'There was no need for that!' she growled. Aisling raised an eyebrow.
'No?' she asked in one of the languages.
C3PO walked in the door.
'Hello,' he said in the same way. 'I am C3PO, Human-Cyborg relations.' Both girls gaped at him, argument forgotten.
'Well done,' Aisling mused. 'I trust you can understand me then,' she said in one tongue.
'Yes of course,' he answered in kind.
'Then you know that your arm is about to fall off,' she said in another. C3PO looked at his arms.
'No they're not,' he denied in the same tongue.
'My mistake,' she said in the third. C3PO didn't reply so she went on. 'I know that protocol droids can be high maintenance at times.' Still nothing. She smirked. 'You are fluent in over six million forms of communication?' she asked in Basic.
'But he cant speak teenager,' Beth muttered. Aisling shot her an evil look.
'Excuse my companion,' she said. 'She is permanently deficient of a cerebrum.' This comment earned her a foul look and a smack upside the head. She, naturally enough, retaliated with an elbow to Beth's ribs. Beth punched her arm. After that, it was difficult to tell.
'Hey, hey, hey!' Solo yelled, running into the room and pulling Beth off of Aisling who was being restrained by Luke.
'What the hell do you think you're doing, coming between two women in an important fight?!' Beth yelled. 'You damned fluke!' Then she turned around. 'Oh! Harrison Ford!' Aisling groaned and put her head in her hands. Luke gave her an odd look.
'What?' he asked.
'Beths moving in on Han!' Aisling growled. 'Leias gonna bloody kill her,' she said under her breath. Then she seemed to remember where she was and moved out of Lukes grip. 'Er, thanks but I'm sure I can restrain any homicidal rages now,' she told him, moving backwards. Beth, on the other hand had forgotten completely where she was.
'Er, no, my name is Han Solo,' Han was saying, belatedly wondering where the exit was. Beth smirked.
'Sure,' she said, moving closer to him as he scooted backwards. 'Tell me, do have your hat?'
'My hat?' In his retreating, his back slammed up against the wall. Beth grinned wider. 'I, I, I don't have a hat,' he managed to say.
'Sure you don't,' she murmured.
'Oh bloody hellfire,' Aisling growled, grabbing Beth by the shoulder and hauling her backwards. 'You,' she said to Luke. 'Get him out of here. You,' she hissed at Beth when the two men had left, in Hans case rather speedily. 'Do you WANT Leia to put your head on a pike?'
'What's Leia got to do with anything?' Beth grumbled. 'I thought she was doing the other one. I want Ford!' she wailed. 'If I knew that he was so fine I would actually WATCH those films.'
'Leia doing who? Luke?' Aisling collapsed into giggles. 'Please! She may think she doesn't want Han, but sweet hell she does! And if you insist on moving in on him, she will kill you.' Aisling paused. 'She's rather bloodthirsty for an Alderaanian.'
'Alderwhatian?' Beth asked still miffed over not being able to get Ford.
'Alderaanian! As in from Alderaan? The planet the Empire blew up?!' Beths face was still blank. 'You know well that Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star!' Aisling snapped, getting a bit pissed off.
'What? Huh?' Beth murmured. 'Were you saying something?' Aisling stared at her.
'You were fantasising about Solo, weren't you?' she said suspiciously. Beth grinned and looked down.
'Well, er, yeah,' she admitted. 'I cant help it! He's so dammed fine! I just looove him in Indiana Jones!' Aisling rolled her eyes and growled, resisting the urge to hit something, anything!
'That is not, repeat NOT Harrison Ford!' she hissed. 'That is Han Solo! Captain of the Millennium Falcon! Goes around with a dammed big Wookie who owes him a life-debt! Great friends with Luke, saved the Rebellions arses when he blew Vader out of the sky and future husband to Princess Leia Organa!' she shouted, then clapped her hands over her mouth. 'Oh dear gods!' she moaned. 'I've probably screwed up the entire course of the future!'
'Do you really care?' Beth asked matter-of-factly. 'More to the point, do I really care?' Aislings sigh answered both questions and she smiled. 'Now tell me, would HAN have a hat?'
So waddya think? Its a bit long I know, but you guys have been patient and so I've decided to treat ye!
Thank you guys again for being so nice! I still haven't got one single flame, ever! *shoots a warning look at readers* That was NOT an invite for flames! Though it wouldn't bother me, its cold here right now (even though its JUNE!! Thrawn: epiphany, its Ireland, its ALWAYS cold and rainy!! Ihadaneipihany: *growl*) and the flames will keep me warm.
Warning, am not, repeat NOT finished Leaving Cert, in case any of you guys think that this means a return to previous patterns of updates. Only got this up cos it's the w-end. Don't expect anything till at least Thursday, k? Deadly.
Bye!!
Now go read "Different Reality" and "It's a Bloody Conspiracy!" Now!