Okay, I know its later than I said it would be but it took so dammed long getting this lot typed up last night that I was too tired to upload. I sorry! And I know that you've waited longer than ye should have to but I'm in college and, sweet whatever! I'm so knackered when I get home that I can barely eat my dinner never mind typing anything! So I'm sorry, I didn't do it out of spite or greed or anything else, I did it because I was too tired to do anything else.

 Right, apology over! Lets get to the dedications.

Amaris Sandstone; Apology accepted. Yeah me too, that could be why I did so much officer-bashing, it might just be. I agree totally, it WOULD be so much fun to watch. ;)

Emerald Redfern: hehe! I glad you feel that way! Thank you!!

Yoda the Tenth (I think) ; Well I'm sorry to make you wait. I've explained above. Thanks!

Neila Nuruodo the Chiss; *gasp* No, run!! Darth Real Life is coming! Run for the hills!! ^_^ Really? Kewl, *a la Homer Simpson* Its Opposite land!! :

Yoda the Tenth; Thank you, though I'm sure you do to. Yes I know, it's what gives me the edge. Um, no It's much more fun over here. *smirk* Really? And yes you do. I tried! I failed! It's up now, leave it be! *runs off sobbing*
Dragonlet; Yea I know and this one probably aint much better, but believe me, the next one is gonna sooooo much better!!

Wedge Antilles; How long did it take you read the whole thing? Even I cant do it anymore in one sitting! Thank you so much!! Try to enjoy the rest wont you? *smile*

Sage of Dreams the Duranie: gee I wonder how you came up with this name? *smirk* Oh, I'm not that bad! *grin*

Jay-Cee: You'll see and none, well MOST of that list isn't in there but one or two might just be. Yes, get your head around the other one!

Christine; Thank you. Well the game thing wasn't supposed to go on this long, hell the dammed fic wasn't supposed to go on this long, but it shows again so don't forget it.

Little Hyena; Thank you. Are you guys in some kind of club or something?

Andy; Oh no, that's okay, just a review with the word "I like it" will do. After all that's all I REALLY want to hear. *smirk* Annoying Brat; You remind me so much of someone you know that? Oh yeah, me! Thank you and yes I will continue to answer your reviews so that you can feel that nonexistent inner glow. *smirk* After all, what else am I here for? Silverwolfprincess; yeah, she is after all me. *grin*

yes, this IS the second time this one is uploaded cos thicko here forgot to put it so it would keep its format. What can I say, I'm dumb! Thanks to Lady Umbra for pointing it out. Thank you!
So I hope you can enjoy more this way.

Enjoy, if you can!



Beth looked around the cargo hold and tapped her foot in frustration. There was nothing here to interest her. No doubt to the more mechanically minded, the place was a treasure trove, but what use had she for things like hydrospanners, alluvial dampeners and spaarti cylinders?

She gave up n the assorted carets boxes and packages and stomped off to the third and last cargo hold. This one had better be worth the effort.

Half-an-hour later, two mechanics who came down to retrieve a tool and to check on her, found the mess left in Beths wake and rather shakily reported it to the captain, sending the whole ship on alert and Beth's tail.

But by this time, Beth couldn't care less.

*~*

Aisling opened her eyes to someone pounding on her door.

 'Alright, alright I'm up, I'm coming,' she yawned, stretching. *Ooh, deja-vu* Rubbing her neck she stumbled to the door and opened it. Roberts strode in before the door was fully open.

 'Aisling O' Connell I've got some things to talk to you about.'

 'Come right on in,' Aisling muttered, closing the door behind. 'I don't mind being woken up for the second time in twenty-four hours. Make yourself at home.' Roberts held out a datapad, looking displeased to say the least.

 'What's this?' Aisling asked, then yawned hugely. That single ten-minute nap after a night on the town had been on the wrong side of a day ago and she had, it seemed, barely closed her eyes before he had woken her again. She took the datapad and flopped down onto the chair that she had slept in. 'Reports? Cant you do your own dammed paperwork?'

 'They're reports of trooper behaviour since you've arrived on this ship,' Roberts told her.

 'And you too, my lad,' Aisling pointed out. 'You'd still be delivering packages in the Palace if I hadn't dragged you along.'

 'What's your point?'

 'None, just thought I'd point it out.' Aisling rubbed at her eyes. 'Carry on with the dressing-down, I'm all ears.'

 'Last night, there were disturbances in the troopers mess, and all activity was traced to a small group of off-duty troopers who engaged in,' he consulted his datapad. 'Drinking competitions involving an entity named "Fuzzy Duck" '

 'Duck Fuzzy,' Aisling said automatically.

 'I beg your pardon?'

 'That's the game,' she explained. 'A group sits in a ring and someone says Fuzzy Duck the one to the right of him says Duck Fuzzy the next one says Fuzzy Duck etc etc until someone trips up or hesitates and then that person has to knock back a shot of spirits or a mouthful of beer. Then the circle starts again till the next trip and the next and so on and so on until there's no-one left to can do anything but laugh insanely and fall over.'

 'And you do this regularly?' Roberts asked, a strangled edge appearing in his voice. Aisling shook her head.

 'Only when the place is dead or you're already more pissed than is good for you. I didn't participate for long last night, I kept to one pint then came back here for some sleep.'

 'But you told the troopers about the game?'

 'Yep.'

 'Okay,' Roberts said, marking the report, A. F. shorthand for Aislings Fault. Vader could deal with it and the rest of the rising stack in the computer hard-drive. He moved onto the next one.

 'How about this one?   

 'What one?'

 'A dance consisting of vigorous arm and hip movements then a jump and clap motion.' Aisling opened her eyes and looked at him oddly.

 'Huh?'

 'The phrase "hey Macarena!" is included,' Roberts added.

 'Oh,' Aisling said, understanding dawning. 'The Macarena. Yeah I showed one or two that one, why?' Roberts silently handed the datapad back to her. Aisling skimmed through the report, raised an eyebrow and read it again more carefully.

 'They did that?'

 'Yep.'

 'In front of?'

 'Yep.'

 'Ah.'

 'Yep.'

 'Right. Okay then.' Aisling read the report for a third and fourth time. 'Wow. Er, um, yeah. How many?'

 'Ten.'

 'Oh.' She handed the datapad back. 'Next complaint?'

*~*

If the medical droid could have, he would have given his current patient a good thump. Under the confidential advice of Captain Roberts, he was examining Aisling O' Connell to decipher her mental health.

And he'd thought that he'd seen everything.

At first he had taken her to be a polite and well-mannered individual, affable and mature. They had chatted for several minutes and the droid had drawn the conclusion that the captain had been over-reacting. But since orders were orders, he had begun with word association.

That was eight minutes and thirty-three seconds ago.

 'Rainbow,' the droid said.

 'Playing with the fairies,' Aisling replied. The droid analysed her inflection and body language and put her response into the already full category of "Sex-related." The other categories were "Drink-related" and "Both."

 'Flower.'

 'The birds and the bees.'

 'Message.'

 'Messengers.' She was doing it on purpose, he was certain of it. Most of the responses she made were not in the slightest bit iffy by themselves, but her smirking and inflection made everything sound foul.

 'Bantha.'

 'Horns.'

 'Medicine.' She laughed softly.

 'Bad medicine.'

 'Ice-cream.'

 'Chocolate sauce.'

 'Speeder.'

 'Back seat.'

 'Chair.'

 'Sitting on a big thing.'

 'That's enough,' the droid said after a while and produced a specially adapted datapad and turned it so the screen faced her. Aisling raised an eyebrow. 'We'll try these.' He turned the thing on and the screen showed what looked like one of those inkblot test things. 'Now, tell me what do you see.'

Fifteen seconds later Aisling was thrown out on her arse with a stick of soap firmly wedged in her mouth.

*~*

 'Sir,' a communications officer said to Commander Daniels who had the bridge as Roberts wasn't there. 'We have picked up a signal from the freighter Hard Times. It is a mayday signal.'

 'Put it onto the intercom,' the commander said.

 'To any ships listening,' a panicked voice said. 'This is the freighter Hard Times en route to Carida. We have a madwoman on board. We require assistance. She has caused considerable damage to the ship and cargo, I repeat, we require assistance.' There was a pause and the message began again. 'To any ships listening. This is the freighter.' Commander Daniels reached over and shut off the intercom. He stared at the panel for a moment.

 'What frequency is that on?' he asked the officer.

 'All bands sir, on a repeat pattern in the ten major intergalactic languages.' *They just broadcast that they are vulnerable and disorganised to every pirate and thief in this part of the galaxy* Daniels thought. '*Why?* His eyes slid to the newly arrived report from the medical droid on the result of that O' Connell's examination. *Isn't she supposed to be the quieter one?*

His fingers tapped an unconscious rhythm on the metal of the control panel as he looked blankly at the mottled view of hyperspace and the communications officer waited on his orders.

 'Have you pinpointed the exact source of the transmission?' he asked after a few moments.

 'Yes sir,' the officer replied. 'They are less than half an hour away and parallel to our course.'

 'Half an hour,' Daniels repeated, then he turned to the officer. 'Open a channel to the Captain and explain the situation.' *Let him deal with it* he thought sourly. *That's what captains are for*    

After about ten minutes Roberts arrived on the bridge and listened to the transmission.

 'It could be a trap,' Daniels said in a low voice. Roberts shook his head.

 'Listen to it, the guys petrified,' he pointed out. 'No-one's that good an actor. And anyway, it's uncoded, broadcast on all frequencies and in all the major languages. If it were a trap, there would be too much of a risk that someone else would get there first. No,' he decided. 'Its real. Only thing is to make sure we get there first.'

 'Yes sir,' Daniels said. 'We'll be at the closest point to the freighter in fourteen minutes.'

 'Notify me when we reach the freighter,' Roberts said. 'You have the bridge.' He left the bridge and headed for the officers mess. *Dear Force I need coffee!*

 He was there when Aisling strolled in the door, despite the fact that she wasn't supposed to be near the place.

 'Captain,' she nodded in greeting.

 'Civilian,' he replied. 'Is there a reason for you being here, or do you just like flaunting your disregard for rules and regulations?'

 'Hey,' Aisling said. 'If you've got it.' Roberts chuckled in reply and took a gulp of the thick steaming vine coffee. 'I just wondering,' Aisling said after getting a tall glass of what Roberts hoped was flavoured water.

 'Oh, here it comes,' he joked.

 'And there it goes,' Aisling finished. 'I just want to know what happens after we get Beth.'

 'What do you mean? We turn around and go back to Imperial City.'

 'Indeed,' Aisling murmured. Roberts gave her an odd look, but Daniels voice coming over the comlink on his belt stopped him from saying whatever it was he was going to say.

 'We have reached our destination Captain,' Daniels said.

  'I'll be there shortly,' Roberts said, then finished his coffee and got up from the table. 'See you later,' he said to Aisling who waved her fingers at him.

After he was gone, Aisling stared at the walls blankly, fingernails tapping on her glass, then she got up and went to listen to whatever transmissions were made.

She really didn't have much hope for them retrieving Beth unless she went along, the girl was contrary that way.

*~*

Captain Roberts opened a channel to the freighter Hard Times.

 'This is Captain Armand Roberts of the Imperial starship Iron Fist. Drop your shields and prepare for a boarding party.' There was a burst of static and Roberts glanced at his 2nd in command, Commander Daniels, who shrugged. He flipped the toggle again.

 'This is Captain…'he began.

 'Yes of course,' someone said from the freighter. Daniels and Roberts exchanged a puzzled look. The voice was high-pitched and it seemed like the speaker was unsuccessfully trying not to giggle. 'Come aboard, as many as you feel like, welcome to have you.' *Welcome to have you?* Roberts thought. Then there was a noise like someone was wrestling the speaker away from the comlink. The crew looked at each other as shrieks, yells of "gimme that!" and the definite sound of someone pouching someone else filtered through the communication.

Finally they heard a muttered "Put him with the others" and a new speaker took over the comlink. 'Imperial starship Steel Fist, this is Commander Ethan Phillips of the freighter Hard Times. I warn you not to board this ship. We have a stowaway here that has caused nearly all of the ship including the captain to go mad. I repeat, do not board this ship lest you wish to suffer the same fate.'

Roberts didn't know whether to laugh or frown at this strange and straight-faced speech. The Iron Fist had been carrying Aisling O' Connell for some two and a half days now and they suffered no ill effects, almost none, he amended remembering all those reports. A glance to his second-in-commands pale face made him give more credence to the story than he would normally have, so instead of telling the freighter commander to pull himself together he told him that they were there to retrieve the stowaway, one Bethany Marie Walsh. The commander's response was both surprising and worrying.

Bursting into noisy sobs the officers said, 'Thank God! Hey lads!' he yelled away from the comlink. 'They're taking her away! She's leaving!' The slightly tinny cheers echoed through the bridge of the Iron Fist, causing no end of worry there. Freighter crews were some of the toughest there was, what the hell did this Bethany Welsh do to them?

Clearing his throat, Roberts toggled the switch again. 'Freighter hard Times, drop your shields and prepare for boarding party.'

 'Shields are down Imperial starship Iron Fist,' the commander voice came back, somewhat calm again. 'We are ready and waiting.' But before he cut off, there was a burst of maniacal laughter.

Roberts stared at the comlink for a long moment, then turned to Daniels. 'Prepare the boarding party.'

 'Yessir,' Daniels replied and smartly exited the bridge, wondering if they'd be as happy to take Ms. Walsh as Commander Phillips was to get rid of her.

Somehow he doubted it.

*~*

Commander Daniels lead ten stormtroopers down to the shuttle bay. They had relayed the order by comlink, either ship-wide or the troopers' own frequency, instead opting for the tried and tested method of picking the ones closest to the door. They had told none of the mission and avoided the main corridors on the journey, opting for the maintenance areas, cutting through rooms and other appropriate out-of-the-way places.

The whole thing had been approached, ordered and carried out with considerable secrecy, which made Daniels astonishment understandable when they entered the shuttle by and found Aisling waiting for them.

 'What took you so long boys?' she asked airily as they filed up the ramp in double file. Daniels glowered and huffed off to the cockpit with the co-pilot. The others stoically set themselves in and waited. With a half-hidden smirk, Aisling did the same. Contrary to their expectations, she was largely silent until they boarded the freighter. From the second she set foot on the other ship however, it was a different story.

She set out for the bridge, often out-pacing the troopers themselves, marched up to the commander and demanded that he give up the location of Beth. Once he did that, she threw him aside and, brushing past the troopers and Daniels who had watched her in slight shock, strode quickly towards the place the commander had indistinctly told her about. Daniels pulled himself together long enough to order two troopers to follow and help her while he took the other eight and took control of the ship, the crew itself being completely incapable of doing so.

Aisling moved through the ship, taking note of the damage and damaged crewmen and officers scattered around with an experienced eye. *Beth got at the controls I guess* she thought grimly, passing through the passageway known as Kamino. She emerged through that one with the distinct desire to get her hands around her best friends throat and squeeze hard. She stomped towards the back of the ship where the cargo holds were, the troopers behind her squelching gamely to keep up.

 At last, she arrived at the end of the passageway where the three cargo hold doors and the corridors portal made up a square. She glanced at two of them, then opened the third and went in.

 'Bethany Marie Walsh!'  the troopers heard her say as they took up station on either side of the doors.

It was none of their business after all.

*~*

 'Bethany Marie Walsh!' Aisling shouted. Beth barely looked at her.

 'Oh you found me,' she said vaguely, engrossed in the holo-projector in front of her.

 'Where have you been?! What have you been doing?! And Why,' Aisling paused for a moment and when she spoke again her voice took on a much more thoughtful tone. 'Is Ron Weasley in 3-d Technicolor?'

 'Here. Officers, crewmen and creating havoc. Modified video cassette player linked up to a holo-projector that's been modified to give colour.' Beth grinned evilly. 'They seemed awfully eager to get the job done, cant think why.'

 'Me neither,' Aisling replied, though she could hazard a guess. She looked to a small device on the floor in front of Beth that was most likely the remote. *If Ron Weasley looks halfway handsome on that thing what would..?* Before she completed the thought, she dived for the remote. Beth yelled and grabbed for the device, hanging on for dear life with Aisling firmly fastened onto the other end. The two girls grappled madly over the tiny bundle of wires and plastic. Aisling wrested it away for a moment and put the video into fast-forward. Beth shrieked and grabbed for it, knocking them both off balance.

 'Gimme that you malignant fuck-pig!'

 'Let go whorebitch!'

Suddenly the screen went to white fuzz. There was a moment's silence then twin cries of;

 'AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!'

 'GET IT BACK! GET IT BACK!'

 'I'M TRYING! I'M TRYING'

Aisling punched desperately at the remote. Then the picture came back and both girls sighed in relief.

 'And now we're back to Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone,' Aisling murmured. Then the sound came on. 'In Huttese.' There was a moment's silence form the two.

 'Is that bad?' Beth asked.

 'Not really,' Aisling replied. 'We both know all the dialogue so it's a chance to learn a brand-new language, I guess.'

 'Oh.' Beth grabbed the remote. 'Hah! Mine!'

 'Wait a second,' Aisling said. 'Look.' They both watched, then sighed.

 'Oliver Wood!'

They watched in silence, relative silence that is.

 'Beth' Aisling said after a while.

 'Mmm?'

 'How did Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone get here?'

 'Oh, they've massive boxes of our stuff in here.'

 'Oh.' More silence. 'Any of mine?' Beth waved a hand in some direction or other.

 'Over there somewhere I think.'

 'Okay.' Aisling got up and looked among the boxes. 'Where?' she called after a while.

 'Way, way back,' Beth shouted back.  Aisling shrugged and continued the search while Beth remained in front of the holo-projector. When her best friend shouted "Woo-hoo!' and there came the sound of a crash, she got up, told the troopers where to  go and settled back into place.

*~*

Aisling had found a box labelled Aislings Stuff and dived into it. She rummaged through it, hanging over the lip and scrabbling headfirst through the junk until she located what she had been looking for. Unfortunately it had been at the bottom of the enormous crate and she needed the assistance of the two troopers who had conveniently arrived to get back out again.

She raced back through the maze of cargo, clutching her prize and giggling insanely. She skidded to a halt in front of the holo-projector and elbowed Beth out of the way. It was a good thing then that it was a scene without any Weasleys that was on then or there may have been trouble. Beth watched as Aisling unceremoniously ejected the Harry Potter video and  put in one of hers instead.

 'What's that one' she asked. Aisling hissed when realized that she had to rewind the tape and tapped her fingers on the floor as she waited.

 'Episode Five, Empire Strikes Back.' Beth blinked rapidly.

 'You know I don't think you should,' she said quickly. ' 'Cos of the whole interference thing and I've only watched the Oliver Wood scenes five times don't you want to see them again and you know how its better to see things live and I think I should take the video now.' Her quick dart to the modified video machine was completely defeated by Aisling grabbing her wrist.

 'Touch the machine and die a pain filled lengthy death,' Aisling said absently, watching the numbers on the machine. 'I haven't seen Star Wars in three months,' she continued. 'I am well well overdue.'

 'But you're in the middle of it,' Beth pointed out, massaging her wrist when Aisling let go of it. 'Why do you want to watch it as well?'

 'Because I can.' Aisling whooped in delight as the tape fully rewound and pressed the play button. Within milliseconds, she was entranced, not noticing how Beth was edging towards the door.

The holoprojector showed the logo of Lucas Films, when the semi-mythical words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…" Then the Rebel Anthem started as the Star Wars logo showed and the text appeared beneath it.

Aisling read the text aloud, even though she knew it by heart.

 'Episode Five, The Empire Strikes Back.' Customary giggle. Beth hid behind the two troopers who were standing in front of the door. 'It's a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star WHAT THE FUCK?!' This last was because of instead of the text continuing as it should, the screen went blank, then the opening scenes of  "sleepy Hollow" appeared instead.

Aislings jaw dropped and she blinked twice as she watched in shock, then she stopped the video and switched off the holoprojector.

 'Beth,' she said after a few tense moments of silence. 'What happened to my Star Wars video?' She didn't turn around, didn't raise her voice, stayed sitting cross-legged on the floor,  facing the inactive holo-projector. Beth whimpered and crouched lower behind the troopers. 'Why instead of Episode Five is Sleepy Hollow now on my tape?' There was a few more moments of silence. The troopers began to wish there was something they could hide behind. 'Are my other Star wars tapes thus afflicted?'

 'Um,' Beth croaked.

 'Episode Four?' Beth looked down.

 ' "Fast and the Furious." ' Silence.

 'Episode Six?' Beth looked over her shoulder at the door, trying to figure out how far she'd get.

 ' "Goldmember." '

 'Episode One?'

 ' "Snatch." 'There was another silence in which Beth could just see her friend devise various appropriate methods of punishment. *I'd make it to the bridge* Beth thought. *Then what?*

 'I see,' Aisling said at last. 'We've known each other some time now, yes?'

 'Yeah.'

 'And we've been best friends for most of that time, yes?'

 'Yeah?' *Dammit I wont even make the bridge!*

 'Beth?'

 'Er, yeah Aisling?'

 'You've got three seconds.'

*~*

 'When they were finally separated again, both turned on the troopers for interrupting them,' Roberts was saying, Daniels was silent behind him.

Vader watched the officers silently, noting the patches of perigen, raw scratches, torn uniforms and hastily applied nu-skin with amused annoyance. Beth and Aisling had had the biggest catfight in history and had visited most of the freighter before being restrained and taken to the ship, where they  broke free and continued it. When they fell into the ship bridge, Roberts forget completely that he was captain and attempted to haul one off the other, Roberts jumping in to protect him. The obvious signs pointed to neither man being very successful either task. This had happened before the Iron Fist had set back for Imperial City and Aisling and Beth had been separately detained since.

Vader sighed imperceptively. It was a good thing that the Avenger's mission had finished that morning. He'd better make sure that he was there when they let the pair free again.

 'E.T.A. to Imperial City Captain,' he said.

 'Fifty-one hours thirty-two minutes my lord.'

 'The Avenger will meet the Iron Fist in orbit above Imperial City,' Vader decided. 'Do not, under any circumstances, set Aisling or Beth free until I arrive. Understand?'

 'Yes my lord.'

 'We will rendezvous with you above Imperial City.' With that Vader cut the transmission.

He stood in silence for a moment. The Avenger would reach Imperial City in forty-nine hours, he'd decide what to do with them then.

*And if I don't have that Force-dammed contraption finished by then!*

 Didn't I say not to forget it? Yeah, for everyone who's looking at the sky and wondering why I haven't let him finish the thing yet, he'll finish it soon. I promise!

I don't know how long it'll be before I update again but ill be as quick as I can, alright?

Thanks again Lady Umbra!


Thank you for tuning into this instalment of two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!! Bye!