Yes, I'm afraid the rumours and whispers are true. This is the last chapter of Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. And so must this. And it is. Which you knew. Okay then. Moving on.
Have to admit to being touched by the amount of reviews for this fic. And all the reviews that consisted of people yelling various things to the tune of "No! This cant end!" from the last chapter. I hadn't realized that so many people enjoyed this to that extent. I thought that a few people thought it worth an occasional giggle or two and reviewed a lot. So thank you. Thank you all.
Now, *puts away the tissue* for the last time, here are the dedications.though there's a helluva lot more to do than any other chapter, I've decided to be nice and do it properly. *looks at list and groans, sighs and rolls up sleeves* *over shoulder* Put the kettle on, I'll be here for a while! Enter a "Thank you so much you rule forever! *hug* " whenever you see this sign ^_^
Baru-chan: In the sequel! I promise it'll be in the sequel! *looks around guiltily* Er, not that there will be, um, yeah. Thank you but no it wont be like that. And it wont be up to me either. Um, cant say anymore. Thanks. I'll go and read it, *looks at watch* soon! ^_^
Jira: About? Kinda need to narrow it down a bit so I can help you get over the confuzzlement. ; ) ^_^
Yoda the Tenth: Thank you. Well, I'm sorry but it has to end. Was that sarcastic? *ponders* I'm gonna take it at face value and say yes! I'm always happy! ^_^
Jedi-jianafel: O_o Er, yeah. Well as long as you're happy I guess. Here you go *throws another years supply of green stim powder to ladyrouge* It's SUPPOSED to be a YEARS supply, try and make it last five minutes this time! ^_^
Aleena Kenobi: Really? *smile* Thank you. And good luck to you Aleena Kenobi. And, er, you'll see? ^_^
Annoying Brat: Hyper Cloud, deadly! I have no idea, but never mind. Yeah you do, you can re-read it and re-read it and… I get your point. Never mind, you'll have something else to live for, soon. Um. *Reads rest of review looks around suspiciously* Have you been reading my mind? If you have, stay outta there! If you haven't, it's just too spooky for words. Get up! ^_^
Drama_Princess87: Er, yes I can because that's what being the author means, *strikes dramatic pose* TO-TAL POWAH!! *smile* Aww, you'll find another story! *sniggers*! Get up! I know I'm your mentor but really! ^_^
Little Hyena: yeah, sorry about that. Umm, possibility. ^_^
Merrymoll: Yay, you wont die of asphixiation and so can read and review the last chapt!! yay! I know, there'll probably be a major party going on as soon as they leave. ^_^
Christine: I know, a double edgedf sword aint it? I tried, but if I failed tell me about it and I will find you! ^_^
Jaina Skywalker: Really? You'd be amazed at how much you can cram when you really want it to. Thank you, but I know but its not my fault that Im fantastic! : ^_^
Jay-Cee; Yes I know! It's nearly scary and oh-so cool. I'm sure he'll find something else to occupy his time, strangling officers and the like. St. Annes? Bloody Ballinasloe more like! You're gonna have to! ^_^
Amaris Sandstone: Thats great, tell them to join the queue, but you might want to warn them that all complaints wiull be sent to Beth. ^_^
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^
Lady Umbra: I'm sorry!! It has to end!! Not doing so is just prolonging the agony. *hands Lady Umbra a packet of tissues* ^_^!
Me!: *sighs, hands Me! another packet of tissues* I'm sorry, but it does. Thank you. ^_^
Dragonlet: My Gods people please stop for breath! I can and I am! Hey that rhymes! Yeah, the idea just appeared in my head in the middle of a maths lecture. No prizes for guessing who everyone turned around to look at! Er, not me! I'm not writing it! I mean, what sequel?! Etc etc ad infinitum means on and on till eternity. ^_^
Sage of Dreams the Duranie: *hands out yet another packet of tissues and wonders when she can get to the shops next* I know! Talking to Jay-Cee does have its advantages sometimes! ^_^
Wedge Antilles: Do tell me when you make up your mind, k? And since you were so pleased, here! *hands Wedge Antilles another four years supply of green powder* So now you can spend five years permanently hyper!! I tried, but if I failed, I'm sorry! ^_^
Baru-chan (again) : You smart girl you! Yes that's how they're going home, but since when does anything happen as expected in this or any of my other fics? *smirk* Aww! You poor thing! And you still reviewed! *sniff, tear* I feel appreciated!! Have some more green powder! ^_^ ^_^
Me!! (again) ; I'm sorry! But it's ending! And it's all the more incentive to the other authors to come up with something just as funny aint it? *smirk* As if it's even possible! ; ) ^_^
Yumyumkittysnax: Okay, no worries. Thank you! ^_^
Andy: Yep, fraid so. And er, okay, um. Um, later? ^_^
Godforsaken: yes, it is. *hands out last packet of tissues* sure why not. ^_^
Wedge Antilles (again) : It's sorted. ^_^
Princess Shinra: Thank you. yes, enjoy the green powder! ^_^
Insane Dragoness: (looks at name) I like you already! Breathe!! Dying from oxygen loss doesnt put reviews on my stats page! Thank you!! *ego doubles* ^_^
Biblehermione: i'm so sorry!! ^_^
Dragonlet (again): yeah, did you get my email? If you didnt, use all you likejust send her back in enough of one piece to count.^_^
Lovie: thank you!! ^_^
Yoda the tenth: Okay! ^_^
(blank): *counts identical reviews* yay someone appreciates me!! (X4)
Dragonlet(again): My triumph! Dont you dare ruin my moment by telling me about someone elses! ^_^
Smenzer: Yay, you took the time to read this crap! How?! *reads review and beams madly* thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^
Drama_Princess87: I know! It's not my fault! The blasted connection lead is screwed beyound belief and the reason that its going up now is cos I managed to stay at Jay-cees! I'm sorry! ^_^
Oh dear gods! So many people want a sequel. *glances nonchantly at fellow genius and friend Jay-Cee* I wonder what can be done? *smirk*, I am a bitch.here, again for the last time, is the last but not least instalment of Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!!!
*sob*
Vader stared gloomily at the Playstation.What was he supposed to do now? The game was finished and he know knew how to defeat the Last Lord, so how was he supposed to fill up his hours now? He glanced over at the overflowing desk of datapads wafer-disks and flimsiplasts, but rejected that suggestion out of hand. He was far too busy doing real work to bother with the dammed paperwork that seemed to multiply whenever his back was turned.
Half-heartedly, he set up the machine again. But somehow, knowing that he could finish it took all the enjoyment out of it and he turned it back off again.
The night before, he had interrupted Beth and Aisling in their getting-ready-to-go-out ritual and had nearly got thrown out on his arse for it. But once he explained the situation, Beth had gone back with him to fix the problem. So now he knew how to defeat the Last Lord.He tried unsuccessfully to forget the pairs muffled sniggers when they found out that he still hadn't been able to finish the game. Being told "even stupid here could finish it in two days!" meaning Beth, didn't help too much. Neither did watching Beth effortlessly reach the last stage and, in three moves while barely watching the screen, thoroughly beat the Last Lord to a bloody pulp.other words, Vader wasn't feeling much like his usual Sithly self.
A knock on the door jerked him from his reverie and he got up to see who it was.and Beth stood there with a package in Beth's hand.
'Just in case you manage to get bored without us around,' she said, holding it out to him. He took it automatically.
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'It's not good having a Sith Lord around with nothing to do, people start getting nervous.'
Vader looked at the package like a ten-stone weakling would look at an enraged stampeding herd of Gondark. *Sweet Force* he thought dimly. *What have I just grabbed hold of if they think it's entertaining?*
'Thanks,' he managed at last. 'I, er, appreciate it.'
'No problem,' Beth nodded and beamed. 'Shall we get a move on?' she said to Aisling.
'Yeah,' Aisling answered. 'We've still a lot of packing to do,' she said to Vader. 'So we'll see you later, yeah?'
'Yeah,' Vader replied. 'See you then.'
With a wave and a few smiles they were gone again, leaving Vader to wonder whether he should risk investigating the present.
As he turned around and went back into his flat, his eye fell on a small inconspicuous parcel on the floor near the desk.*Where did that come out of?* He couldn't remember seeing it before, though since it was placed at the end of the paperwork desk, it could have been there for the last year and a half and he just never went near enough to see it. He gave it a quick going-over with the Force, to make sure that it wasn't about to blow up or anything then left it alone and turned his attention back to the package in his hand.
He went back to his chair and sat down, turning the rectangular box over, looking for a clue to its contents. Finally, he got the courage up to rip off the covering and discover what was inside.
Less than five minutes later, he was on the Playstation completely absorbed in the screen in front of him, the cover of Final Fantasy VIII lying beside him.
Which was one of the reasons why, when Palpatine finally got through to him, the Emperor was even less pleased than his usual mood.
*~*
Aisling and Beth were packing their stuff ready for transportation back home. Or to be more accurate, supervising the packing of their stuff by even-more-luckless-than-usual troopers.
'Did you notice he was wearing the cloak?' Beth murmured.
'Yep.'
'Wonder if he's noticed the back yet?'
'I doubt it, someone would need to point it out to him and no-ones that suicidal.'
'When do you think?'
'Soon enough I'd say, when Palpatine starts hollering blue murder.'
'Wish I could see it.'
There was a reflective moment and they remembered the night before.
'I have a feeling we will.'
'I wonder,' Beth said after a while.
'Mmm?'
'How did you talk Vader into letting us take all our stuff home with us as opposed to the Empire confiscating it and studying it in preparation for the imminent invasion of Earth?'
'Pointed out that it was stuff like the videos, games, drinks, junk food and other assorted things that made us the way we are.'
'And reminded him of just how much the Galactic Empire needs a whole new pack of people like us running around?'
'Yep.'
'Did it work?'
They stepped out of the way as three troopers staggered past each, buckling under the weight of their respective burdens.
'I have a suspicion that it may have had an effect but I'm not sure.'
'Oh, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.'
*~*
*Dare I ask?* Vader wondered, staring at the Emperor. He, Vader,wasn't in the best of moods anymore either. Once he had gotten over a massive headache -a direct result of Palpatines psychically biting his head off- enough to walk straight he had hurried over to the Emperors quarters. That route had taken him through nearly deserted corridors and walkways, but somehow, he had managed to turn everybody speechless. This in itself wasn't such a rare phenomenon; it was the desperately checked giggles and sniggers when someone thought that he was out of earshot that was new. At one point, he had ridden an elevator up five levels with three troopers and an officer. Being the superior, they had squashed themselves into the back wall to give him three foot of clear space. Such respect he was used to, it came with the job. But by the time he had stepped out, he had the distinct impression that they were all about to dissolve. At the time he hadn't taken too much notice of the strangeness of it, a migraine and an Emperor roaring at you in your head will leave you distracted, but now that he'd had time to think and Palpatine had resorted to his voice at last, he spotted the discrepancy.
*Were they laughing at me?* he wondered absently. *They wouldn't have dared. Would they have?*
'Are you listening to me?!' Palpatine yelled. 'I want an example made of them! Of their entire planet! I want everything on that ball of rock to be cooked alive and then the whole solar system to be sent into the heart of its sun! I want them annihilated! Destroyed!! Torn from the records and forcibly eradicated!!' The wrinkly old fist slammed into the arm of his throne-like chair several times during this frenzied monologue.
Vader remained stoically silent, as he always did during the Emperors fits of rage.In truth, his silence was partly because, in the back of his mind was the nagging sensation that the red-robed Imperial Guards behind him were silently laughing at him, and partly because he was trying to keep a lid on his own mirth. Various members of his personal medical staff, that lone fist being the only thing he could move without having to make someone get out of the way first, were swamping Palpatine. One was holding a bucket of warm water, one a dry cloth and the rest were attempting to sponge/scrape/dig a green dried-on substance off/out of the skin of the Emperors face. Apparently he had woken up with the stuff on then strode through his rooms and found that someone had rendered his guards unconscious. Vader glanced to where two small disks of pale green, soft vegetable matter with darker green around the circumference were lying where the Emperor had thrown them. He had woken up with them placed over his eyes.
'They are deliberately attacking my authority!' Palpatine ranted on. Vader silently agreed; they'd been attacking their authority since he'd walked into the house back on that Force-forsaken planet.
Finally, the group clustered around the Emperor dispersed and disappeared. Palpatine stayed sitting in the chair, staring darkly at Vader.
*His face wasn't that saggy before, was it?* Vader couldn't held himself from staring at the way Palpatines face seemed to have dropped by about four inches. *And what in all the Sith hells happened to his eyebrows?!*
'They are,' Palpatine began in a quiet, menace-filled voice. 'To be sent back to the miserable planet where they came from. The coordinates are to be sent to every ship in the fleet. That planet is to be rendered into molecules within seventy-two hours. solar system within ninety-four. Do I make myself clear, Vader?'
'Yes Master,' Vader rumbled, bowing. 'It shall be done as you wish.' Palpatine made a gesture, Vader took to hint to leave, and turned to do so.At the door, Palpatine called to him again.
'Yes Master?' Vader asked, turning back. Palpatine had a strange expression on his face, like he didn't know whether to laugh or go spare.
'Why do you wear pink underwear?'
'Master?'
Something in Palpatines expression made him take off his cloak and look at the back.said, in giant bleached letters, "I Wear Pink Underwear. Ask Me Why"
*~*
Aisling looked around the bare rooms of their apartment that she and Beth had lived in for the last few weeks. The troopers, under their supervision, had made a thorough job.
Beth walked out of what was her bedroom and closed the door behind her.
'Guess we'd better go huh?' she said.
'Yeah,' Aisling began, then paused as a loud roar that sounded suspiciously like their names echoed through the Palace and cut off ominously.
'And we'd better go now,' Aisling said in the quiet, after a shocked moment. 'Right now.'
'While we still can kinda thing?' Beth asked, eyeing the door.
'You can put it that way, yes.'They looked at each other, then raced for the door.
*~*
Palpatine looked towards the door as Vader strode in, gripping Aislings left ear in his right fist and Beth right ear in his left. The two were walking on their tiptoes; their heads at odd angles as Vader was pulling them upwards and it was either follow the fist or leave their ears in it.
'Sweet Force Vader!' Aisling snapped as she stumbled and the Dark Lord yanked upwards. 'You're worse than Connie!'
'Here they are Master,' Vader said, ignoring her. He shoved them forwards suddenly and let go.
'Hey,' Beth said, somehow managing to keep her balance. 'How was the face-mask Palpy?'
'Oh.' Aisling looked at the increasingly enraged Emperor. 'So that's why you look so damn ugly in Episode five.'
In between the time when they heard Vader go spare and the time he caught them, they had decided to go for broke. So far it was having the desired results.
'Silence!' Palpatine yelled and shot a bolt of Force-lightening at them. They jumped out of the way.
'Take it easy!' Beth snapped.
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'Someone might get hurt.'
Vader made a small movement of his hand and both girls' heads rocked forward as if someone had given them a belt.
'Ow!' they cried in unison. 'Vader!'
Palpatine looked at them and made a gesture to the side.
'I take it you have seen our new device,' he said quietly.
'New?' Aisling said, frowning.
Beth, eyes fixed on something, tugged on her sleeve.
'You know all of the Star Wars thingies, right?' she asked, as if distracted.
'Most, why?' She followed her friends pointing hand. 'Oh.'
Right in the centre of the room was a machine made up of two holo-transmitters, one set about eight foot above the other with leads and ribbon-tape running to what was obviously a control panel.
'Know what that is?' Beth asked.
Aisling looked two where troopers were finishing staking their stuff on and around the bottom transmitter.
'No,' she answered truthfully. 'That's new.' She saw what was obviously an add-on piece, a device that was mainly made up of a screen with rows of noughts on it, and got a bad feeling about the whole thing. 'But I could hazard a fair guess.'
'Yeah,' Beth murmured. 'Me too.'
Palpatine waited until they looked suitably full of dread.
'Marvellous isn't it?' he said. 'You say a place and push a button and there you arrive.' He wandered over to it. 'And this little gadget,' he continued, resting a hand on the add-on piece. 'Records the co-ordinates and plots a course automatically.' He strode slowly to them. 'Amazing, what technology can do these days, isn't it?'
They looked at him, the device, each other then back at the device again.
'Fascinating,' Aisling croaked. 'May we have a moment?'
Palpatine smiled coldly and for the first time in a long time, neither girl could think of a thing to say.
'You'll have all the time you need when you get home,' he whispered, dispelling the last shred of doubt. 'Before my fleet arrives.'
'Yay,' Beth said in a shocked voice, then she blinked. 'We'd love the company.'
'Yeah,' Aisling agreed. 'It'll seem so dull back home if you don't drop by for a visit.'
'Oh no, it wont be dull,' Palpatine assured them, but was slightly irritated at the speed with which they recovered. 'I promise you.'
He moved around them and went to where a large chair had been set up. He sat on it regally, arms placed on the sides.
Aisling started giggling, it was the exact pose that Ian MacDiarmid used in Episode Six.
'Been to Endor recently?' she asked innocently.
*She's been in the Classified section again* Vader fumed. They were still living down the scandal from the last time she had done that. Palpatine ignored the remark.
'You are very brave,' he said. 'That is admirable.' He paused ominously. 'But we'll see how brave you are when the full power of the Imperial Fleet is unleashed on your weak pathetic little planet.'
'Oh gee,' Beth said monotonously. 'Another insane megalomaniac intent on destroying the world. Oh my.'
'Not just any world, yours.' Palpatine leaned forward slightly. 'All of your major cities will be razed from orbit, with no warning or reason given.'
'Well if do you give warning,' Aisling commented. 'You'd be slipping, eh Palpy me lad?'
Palpatine nodded slowly.
'I'm so glad you see things my way,' he whispered. 'But it won't stop there, that just wouldn't be fun, would it?' He held their gaze for a moment, then continued on. 'We have developed a new toxin. It is undetectable to any and every test and it coats the very molecules of whatever solvent it is dissolved in so that it is impossible to take out. It lies dormant in the unfortunate who consumed it for a number of hours and then, when it has spread throughout the blood system, turns to acid and burns them from the inside out.' He paused again. 'That substance will be what we will use to poison every drop of water on your world.'
'Was that one done before?' Beth asked, turning to Aisling.
'Of course,' she answered. 'Every day for the past few thousand years, somewhere on Earth water has been deliberately poisoned.'
'Indeed?' Palpatine asked. 'It's such a pity then, that I shall not have the chance to discover what else your world has endured. But it shall not endure the Empire. You see, there will not be one single living thing left within twenty-four hours of our arrival. There will be no troop landings, no survey teams, no specimens collected, no slaves. Everything that originated on your planet will remain on your planet and be annihilated with your planet.'
'Patriotic to the last,' Beth said.
'But of course,' Aisling muttered.
'But we will not stop there,' the Emperor went on. He got up from the chair and walked slowly towards the girls. 'We will then turn our attention to the rest of your solar system.'
'Excuse me,' Aisling interrupted, half-raising a hand. 'But wouldn't it be better to start with the solar system?' Vader and Palpatine stared at her in astonishment. 'You know, blow up the furthest planet then the next one in, then the next one and so on. Best way to really terrify the living shite outta everyone before you're even in the sector.'
'If you're really gonna destroy a planet and solar system you may as well do it properly,' Beth added. 'Otherwise you're just messing about.'
Palpatine looked at them, then smiled slowly in a way that made little slivers of ice tap-dance on their spines.
'Vader,' he said. 'Take them to the machine.'
Vader stepped forward, grabbed girls by the arm and half-dragged them to the machine where he deposited them and stepped back.
Aisling took in the stacked boxes and things in a daze. The engineers had discovered that as long as something was even a micrometer within the matter transmitters field the entire object, or person as the case may be, was taken along for the ride. Hence the reason why most things were spilling out of the field. They had also discovered that if someone was holding onto something with their hand wrapped around it, it was also transmitted. These were but two reasons why everyone not working directly on the matter transmitter was standing at least ten feet away from it. Except for Vader, who was standing a bare half-foot from the very edge of the field.
'Hey Aisling,' Beth muttered not bothering the various languages thing; with Vader and Palpatine around it was pointless. 'Got any plans you'd like to let me in?'
'None,' Aisling lied. She sighed deeply. 'I can't wait to get home!'
'Oh I know,' Beth answered, waiting for the punch line. 'I had a great time here, but now I just wanna go home.' She turned to Vader. 'You guys won't forget about us, will you?'
'Not likely,' Vader said dryly. 'Thanks for the game by the way.'
'No worries,' Beth said. She glared at Aisling. 'I don't need it.'
'Hey, it's not like they have Playstations here,' Aisling pointed out.
'Except for the one Ol' Scuba Gear commandeered.'
'We could have gotten someone to adapt something else,' Beth snarled. Clearly this was an old argument revisited. 'Or build one altogether.'
'Too much like hard work,' Aisling yawned.
'You're just like Marc' *Perfect!* Aisling thought
'God I wish I was him, it's the life sitting around all day. Only I'd like to do it somewhere differant for once'
Beth raised an eyebrow, Aisling hated Marc with a firey passion, then like a brick to the head realisation struck
'Yeah somewhere we've never been, but if these two destroy home it'll never happen. And oh man Sarah will kill me, she won that coke promotion for a trip to Hogwarts. I hope she's already there, although I wanna go'
'Yeah a nice break from the mundane'
'Somewhere that's like a differant world'
The two sighed wistfully.
The head engineer nodded at Palpatine who motioned at Vader. He thankfully picked both of them up with the Force and placed them at the very top of the pile of gear.
'Hey!' Beth cried. 'We could've done it ourselves you know!'
'Just thought I'd do the honours,' Vader replied. He nodded at Palpatine when he was again standing out of the transmitter field who nodded at the head engineer.
'Any last words?' the Emperor asked them. Aisling looked to Beth, who nodded minutely and grinned.
'Until we meet again,' she called. 'Long may your Lang hum.'
'What is your destination?' Beth drew a deep breath.'HOGWARTS!!!'
The engineer pushed the button.
***
Later, when the room had been cleaned up, the debris recycled and the corpses dumped, Vader and Palpatine stood in a room and tried to sort out exactly what happened.
'Beth yelled Hogwarts,' Vader began.
'Then Aisling yelled no,' Palpatine added.
'And leapt forwards to get out of the field…'
'And grabbed a lead…'
'And Beth grabbed her and hauled her back into the field yelling something about a Draco…'
'And then the matter transmitter transmitted…'
'Taking all the stuff, Beth, Aisling…''And that lead…'
'To wherever Hogwarts is…'.
'What did that lead connect to again?'
'The cooling safeguards on the telepathic bit.'
'Ah yes.'
'Which made it overheat…'
'And explode…'
'Which is why there are trooper and engineer corpses clogging up the recycling facilities.'
silence.
'Did we get the co-ordinates?'
'No.'
Reflective silence this time.
'Thank Force.'
*****
Later ight, when Vader finally got to bed after properly dismantling and eradicating the last of the molten pile of slag that used to be the matter transmitter, his eye again fell on the strange parcel.
He picked it up, brought it to a chair and opened it.
Inside the box was a mass of pink. Pink silk. Vader reached in in bafflement and found himself holding up a set of pink silk boxer shorts,then pink thongs, Y fronts and a strange pair of pink leopard skin. The girls had gone all out, Leather underpants, fluffy ones, ones with little animal motifs and smiley faces.
Growling he threw them back in and picked up the lid to slam it back into place. But his eye caught hold of something and he paused.
There was a small wafer attached to the inside of the lid. Beside it was a piece of paper that had 'Play' written on it with an arrow pointing towards the wafer.
Vader took the wafer off, closed the box and crushed it into a tiny square, which he threw into the garbage. The wafer he held in his hand, wondering if he was mad enough to find out what was on it.
*Oh well* he thought, reaching for a datapad. *I've survived this much* He inserted the wafer into the slot in the datapad and waited.
A tinny voice said, 'Is this thing on?' then the picture came through and Vader saw himself looking at Aisling and Beth again.
The date in the corner of the image had the recording at three days before.
'Hey Vader,' Aisling said. 'If you're watching this, that means you've figured out a way of either sending us home or getting rid of us entirely.'
'What the hell did you go and say that for?' Beth hissed at her friend.
'That's what you say at the beginning of these things. Anyway,' Aisling went on, looking back at Vader. 'The reason for this is that we have some things to say and this is to make sure that you hear them.'
'First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, then you really need to make sure to visit the tutorial, It helps so unbeleivably. When you fight Ifrit, the first G.F, use Shiva, don't change their names it's too confusing. Now when you are on your SeeD exam in Dollet, on top of the communications tower you fight a monster, First off Draw Siren, a new G.F, she casts silence. Then well, may the force be with you. When you get back to Balamb you'll get another mission, Helping Rinoa and the forest owls.' Vader looked blankly at the datapad and realized that he should be taking notes. 'That's not too hard, but the president is a decoy so you'll have to fight. When you get off in Timber, go to the pub and talk to the drunken man, buy him a drink, Reagan. You have no major fight in the T.V. station but Seifer joins Edea the sorceress. Get the train to Galbadia Garden. When you get off the train cross the river and the garden is in the woods by the road. You'll be given a mission there. Oh yeah the lantern you got before your Timber mission, it houses a G.F, Diablos. He's handy for non elemental damage. Right head to Galbadia and go to Caraway's Mansion. You'l be told to go to The tomb of the lost king, In the tomb keep right and you'll fight the brothers, more G.F's. The I.D. was 186 for me, I don't know if it changes.' Aislings eyes were definetly glazed and vader was starting to go the same way. 'When you go back to Galbadia Squall and Irvine will have to rescue Rinoa, when you fight the lizards Edea conjures draw the G.F from them. You'll fight the sorceress and then be arrested. Okay if you escape that your team will head back to Balamb, find the headmaster, he's upstairs I think, but you have to look. When you eventully fight NORG, draw the G.F from him, Leviathan. You'll have to fight in Fisherman's Horizon but you'll find Selphie and the others there.' Vader eyed the lkist in Beths hand and wondered how much mopre there was. 'The School can fly now by the way. You'll go back to Balamb now and fight Fujin and Ragin, draw Pandemonia in the fight, then head to Trabia where you'll find out a load of important stuff. When you leave there you'll find Galbadia Garden and fight the school, If's flying as well. In Galbadia Garden you'll be able to get Cereubus, a G.F and when you fight Edea draw Alexander. Then go to Edea's house and there'll be a big talk. And well that's how far I got before we came here. Also you'll have to play dream sequences, there confusing but short. Well enjoy the game.' There was silence for a moment as Aisling woke back up again and it dawned on Vader that Beth had just given him a mine of information.
'Second,' Aisling said, when she was coherent enough to continue. 'I don't know if you know this yet, even though you should by now.'
'Oh so now you're telling a Sith Lord his job?' Beth commented. Aisling swatted absentmindedly at her.
'No, but he finds out about two months after the Battle of Yavin and it's been nearly that now. So I'll tell you,' she went on turning back to the cam.
'Are you sure it hasn't been longer?' Beth asked, perplexed.
'I'm sure, it's been seven weeks since he showed up at my uncles place and that was no more than two days after the Battle of Yavin. I checked the logs.'
'When was the Battle of Yavin again?'
'When the Rebels blew up the Death Star as it orbited Yavin. Or more correctly,' she said, looking at the cam again.
'One Rebel blew up the Death Star.' Vader leaned closer, was she going to tell him what he thought she was going to tell him?
'Are you sure it's only been seven weeks? It seems longer.'
'Yes I know but it's been seven weeks. Now…'
'Are you sure?'
'Beth!'
'Alright, alright I'll shut up and let you spill the beans.'
'Bloody finally.' Aisling rolled her eyes and seemed to look Vader in the eye. 'After all that, drama seems a bit much, eh?' She smiled. 'So I'll tell you straight out.'
She paused and Vader wanted to throttle her for the delay. 'The name of the pilot who blew up the Death Star is Luke Skywalker.'
Vader stared at the datapad in stunned shock. He couldn't believe his ears. Could it be true?
'Yeah that's gotta be a kick in the teeth,' Beth was saying. 'Finding out that the son you didn't even know you had by a woman you thought was dead for twenty years grew up on a planet you haven't gone back to for twenty-five years then went behind your back to join an organization you've been trying to eradicate for some five to ten years. Some news to take huh?' She turned to Aisling. 'And you shagged him.'
\Aisling said nothing to this, just stared at out of the screen as if she was really watching the Sith Lord come to grips with the information that he now had a son who was a Rebel.
'You're probably wondering how we know he's your son,' she said after a while.
Vader looked at the image *How do they know my old name?!* he wondered.
'Anakin.'
'Ooh, can I say it?' Beth asked her friend, who nodded. 'Yay!' She came over all serious and stared at the cam and into the Sith eyes. 'We know who you are, Anakin Skywalker.' She giggled.
'Twenty six, by the way,' Aisling said. 'He hasn't gone back to Tatooine in twenty-six years, unless he does in Episode Three. And he thinks Padme has been dead for about eighteen or nineteen years.'
'How do you know that?'
*How the HELL does she know THAT?!*
'Luke is eighteen,' she replied with a shrug. 'If it was twenty years, he wouldn't be his son, would he now?'
'What was the next thing we had to say?' Beth asked, looking down at the list again. 'I think we may have become sidetracked.'
'Something about Padme wasn't it?' Aisling glanced at the list. 'Oh yeah, right.' She looked back up at the cam. 'Padme isn't dead.'
'She isn't, dead?' Vader whispered.
'The Emperor told you that she had been killed by the Rebels, yes? Showed you a body?' Aisling shook her head, grinning slyly. 'Modified genes and appearance. That was one of her handmaidens who got caught in the crossfire. Palpatine altered the DNA samples and gave her the wrong name.'
'She isn't dead?!'
'She escaped the fight and went into hiding on Nkllon, or in Nkllon rather,' she corrected. 'That whole business of u-v light intensity, remember?'
'She isn't dead,' Vader ground out.
'She hid there until,' there was a slight skip, which Vader, in his distraction, didn't even notice.
'Luke was born and then went from planet to planet.' She looked straight at the cam and Vader had the eerie sensation that she really could see him. 'Where she is, I will not tell you and I've wiped the records that told me.' She smiled coldly. 'We've told you enough.'
'You just carry on as normal,' Beth said, a small smirk curling her lips. 'Just remember what Palpy did and you'll get on fine.'
'The last thing we have to tell you,' Aisling said, her voice brisk and professional. Like she didn't just turn his entire existence for the last twenty years upside down. 'Is that things will work out. You'll get your revenge and your son.'
'And just a little bit more than you bargain for besides,' Beth giggled.
'Just be your usual Sithly self.' Aisling laughed. 'And things will be fine.'
'Don't forget us,' Beth said, waving goodbye. 'We wont forget you.'
'Bye Ani,' Aisling murmured and reached up.
The image went into fuzz as the recording ended.
Vader watched it in a shocked daze for a few moments before switching it off. There was silence for a few moments.the datapad flew through the air- after carefully removing the wafer of course- and smashed into the wall.
Vader got up and stormed out of the apartment.
He had things to do.
THE END………………………………………
okay, here is where you put away the tissues, dry your eyes, cease the tantrums and read carefully. It has to do with the sequel. Yes I admit it! There IS a sequel! But I'm not writing it, Jay-Cee and a friend of ours are, so review and all that to her not me! She's got about three chapters done now cos of this chappie going up so late so there shouldnt be any delay. It's called, "Two Lunatics in Hogwarts" and will be under Jay-Cee in the Harry Potter section, obv! Original name huh? *smirk* Warning however, Jay-cee and Sarah when they get together are ten times as bonkers as I am and they dont bother censoring, ANYTHING!! (warning they smoke curse and drink, a lot.)
Well, this is it, Two Lunatics and Sith Lord is finished!
*looks dazed* what will I do with my time now?!
bye!!
Have to admit to being touched by the amount of reviews for this fic. And all the reviews that consisted of people yelling various things to the tune of "No! This cant end!" from the last chapter. I hadn't realized that so many people enjoyed this to that extent. I thought that a few people thought it worth an occasional giggle or two and reviewed a lot. So thank you. Thank you all.
Now, *puts away the tissue* for the last time, here are the dedications.though there's a helluva lot more to do than any other chapter, I've decided to be nice and do it properly. *looks at list and groans, sighs and rolls up sleeves* *over shoulder* Put the kettle on, I'll be here for a while! Enter a "Thank you so much you rule forever! *hug* " whenever you see this sign ^_^
Baru-chan: In the sequel! I promise it'll be in the sequel! *looks around guiltily* Er, not that there will be, um, yeah. Thank you but no it wont be like that. And it wont be up to me either. Um, cant say anymore. Thanks. I'll go and read it, *looks at watch* soon! ^_^
Jira: About? Kinda need to narrow it down a bit so I can help you get over the confuzzlement. ; ) ^_^
Yoda the Tenth: Thank you. Well, I'm sorry but it has to end. Was that sarcastic? *ponders* I'm gonna take it at face value and say yes! I'm always happy! ^_^
Jedi-jianafel: O_o Er, yeah. Well as long as you're happy I guess. Here you go *throws another years supply of green stim powder to ladyrouge* It's SUPPOSED to be a YEARS supply, try and make it last five minutes this time! ^_^
Aleena Kenobi: Really? *smile* Thank you. And good luck to you Aleena Kenobi. And, er, you'll see? ^_^
Annoying Brat: Hyper Cloud, deadly! I have no idea, but never mind. Yeah you do, you can re-read it and re-read it and… I get your point. Never mind, you'll have something else to live for, soon. Um. *Reads rest of review looks around suspiciously* Have you been reading my mind? If you have, stay outta there! If you haven't, it's just too spooky for words. Get up! ^_^
Drama_Princess87: Er, yes I can because that's what being the author means, *strikes dramatic pose* TO-TAL POWAH!! *smile* Aww, you'll find another story! *sniggers*! Get up! I know I'm your mentor but really! ^_^
Little Hyena: yeah, sorry about that. Umm, possibility. ^_^
Merrymoll: Yay, you wont die of asphixiation and so can read and review the last chapt!! yay! I know, there'll probably be a major party going on as soon as they leave. ^_^
Christine: I know, a double edgedf sword aint it? I tried, but if I failed tell me about it and I will find you! ^_^
Jaina Skywalker: Really? You'd be amazed at how much you can cram when you really want it to. Thank you, but I know but its not my fault that Im fantastic! : ^_^
Jay-Cee; Yes I know! It's nearly scary and oh-so cool. I'm sure he'll find something else to occupy his time, strangling officers and the like. St. Annes? Bloody Ballinasloe more like! You're gonna have to! ^_^
Amaris Sandstone: Thats great, tell them to join the queue, but you might want to warn them that all complaints wiull be sent to Beth. ^_^
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^
Lgirl: oh dear gods stop for breath! It wont end comp, er, I mean, oh crap. -_- Thanks! ^_^
Lady Umbra: I'm sorry!! It has to end!! Not doing so is just prolonging the agony. *hands Lady Umbra a packet of tissues* ^_^!
Me!: *sighs, hands Me! another packet of tissues* I'm sorry, but it does. Thank you. ^_^
Dragonlet: My Gods people please stop for breath! I can and I am! Hey that rhymes! Yeah, the idea just appeared in my head in the middle of a maths lecture. No prizes for guessing who everyone turned around to look at! Er, not me! I'm not writing it! I mean, what sequel?! Etc etc ad infinitum means on and on till eternity. ^_^
Sage of Dreams the Duranie: *hands out yet another packet of tissues and wonders when she can get to the shops next* I know! Talking to Jay-Cee does have its advantages sometimes! ^_^
Wedge Antilles: Do tell me when you make up your mind, k? And since you were so pleased, here! *hands Wedge Antilles another four years supply of green powder* So now you can spend five years permanently hyper!! I tried, but if I failed, I'm sorry! ^_^
Baru-chan (again) : You smart girl you! Yes that's how they're going home, but since when does anything happen as expected in this or any of my other fics? *smirk* Aww! You poor thing! And you still reviewed! *sniff, tear* I feel appreciated!! Have some more green powder! ^_^ ^_^
Me!! (again) ; I'm sorry! But it's ending! And it's all the more incentive to the other authors to come up with something just as funny aint it? *smirk* As if it's even possible! ; ) ^_^
Yumyumkittysnax: Okay, no worries. Thank you! ^_^
Andy: Yep, fraid so. And er, okay, um. Um, later? ^_^
Godforsaken: yes, it is. *hands out last packet of tissues* sure why not. ^_^
Wedge Antilles (again) : It's sorted. ^_^
Princess Shinra: Thank you. yes, enjoy the green powder! ^_^
Insane Dragoness: (looks at name) I like you already! Breathe!! Dying from oxygen loss doesnt put reviews on my stats page! Thank you!! *ego doubles* ^_^
Biblehermione: i'm so sorry!! ^_^
Dragonlet (again): yeah, did you get my email? If you didnt, use all you likejust send her back in enough of one piece to count.^_^
Lovie: thank you!! ^_^
Yoda the tenth: Okay! ^_^
(blank): *counts identical reviews* yay someone appreciates me!! (X4)
Dragonlet(again): My triumph! Dont you dare ruin my moment by telling me about someone elses! ^_^
Smenzer: Yay, you took the time to read this crap! How?! *reads review and beams madly* thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^
Drama_Princess87: I know! It's not my fault! The blasted connection lead is screwed beyound belief and the reason that its going up now is cos I managed to stay at Jay-cees! I'm sorry! ^_^
Oh dear gods! So many people want a sequel. *glances nonchantly at fellow genius and friend Jay-Cee* I wonder what can be done? *smirk*, I am a bitch.here, again for the last time, is the last but not least instalment of Two Lunatics and a Sith Lord!!!
*sob*
Vader stared gloomily at the Playstation.What was he supposed to do now? The game was finished and he know knew how to defeat the Last Lord, so how was he supposed to fill up his hours now? He glanced over at the overflowing desk of datapads wafer-disks and flimsiplasts, but rejected that suggestion out of hand. He was far too busy doing real work to bother with the dammed paperwork that seemed to multiply whenever his back was turned.
Half-heartedly, he set up the machine again. But somehow, knowing that he could finish it took all the enjoyment out of it and he turned it back off again.
The night before, he had interrupted Beth and Aisling in their getting-ready-to-go-out ritual and had nearly got thrown out on his arse for it. But once he explained the situation, Beth had gone back with him to fix the problem. So now he knew how to defeat the Last Lord.He tried unsuccessfully to forget the pairs muffled sniggers when they found out that he still hadn't been able to finish the game. Being told "even stupid here could finish it in two days!" meaning Beth, didn't help too much. Neither did watching Beth effortlessly reach the last stage and, in three moves while barely watching the screen, thoroughly beat the Last Lord to a bloody pulp.other words, Vader wasn't feeling much like his usual Sithly self.
A knock on the door jerked him from his reverie and he got up to see who it was.and Beth stood there with a package in Beth's hand.
'Just in case you manage to get bored without us around,' she said, holding it out to him. He took it automatically.
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'It's not good having a Sith Lord around with nothing to do, people start getting nervous.'
Vader looked at the package like a ten-stone weakling would look at an enraged stampeding herd of Gondark. *Sweet Force* he thought dimly. *What have I just grabbed hold of if they think it's entertaining?*
'Thanks,' he managed at last. 'I, er, appreciate it.'
'No problem,' Beth nodded and beamed. 'Shall we get a move on?' she said to Aisling.
'Yeah,' Aisling answered. 'We've still a lot of packing to do,' she said to Vader. 'So we'll see you later, yeah?'
'Yeah,' Vader replied. 'See you then.'
With a wave and a few smiles they were gone again, leaving Vader to wonder whether he should risk investigating the present.
As he turned around and went back into his flat, his eye fell on a small inconspicuous parcel on the floor near the desk.*Where did that come out of?* He couldn't remember seeing it before, though since it was placed at the end of the paperwork desk, it could have been there for the last year and a half and he just never went near enough to see it. He gave it a quick going-over with the Force, to make sure that it wasn't about to blow up or anything then left it alone and turned his attention back to the package in his hand.
He went back to his chair and sat down, turning the rectangular box over, looking for a clue to its contents. Finally, he got the courage up to rip off the covering and discover what was inside.
Less than five minutes later, he was on the Playstation completely absorbed in the screen in front of him, the cover of Final Fantasy VIII lying beside him.
Which was one of the reasons why, when Palpatine finally got through to him, the Emperor was even less pleased than his usual mood.
*~*
Aisling and Beth were packing their stuff ready for transportation back home. Or to be more accurate, supervising the packing of their stuff by even-more-luckless-than-usual troopers.
'Did you notice he was wearing the cloak?' Beth murmured.
'Yep.'
'Wonder if he's noticed the back yet?'
'I doubt it, someone would need to point it out to him and no-ones that suicidal.'
'When do you think?'
'Soon enough I'd say, when Palpatine starts hollering blue murder.'
'Wish I could see it.'
There was a reflective moment and they remembered the night before.
'I have a feeling we will.'
'I wonder,' Beth said after a while.
'Mmm?'
'How did you talk Vader into letting us take all our stuff home with us as opposed to the Empire confiscating it and studying it in preparation for the imminent invasion of Earth?'
'Pointed out that it was stuff like the videos, games, drinks, junk food and other assorted things that made us the way we are.'
'And reminded him of just how much the Galactic Empire needs a whole new pack of people like us running around?'
'Yep.'
'Did it work?'
They stepped out of the way as three troopers staggered past each, buckling under the weight of their respective burdens.
'I have a suspicion that it may have had an effect but I'm not sure.'
'Oh, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.'
*~*
*Dare I ask?* Vader wondered, staring at the Emperor. He, Vader,wasn't in the best of moods anymore either. Once he had gotten over a massive headache -a direct result of Palpatines psychically biting his head off- enough to walk straight he had hurried over to the Emperors quarters. That route had taken him through nearly deserted corridors and walkways, but somehow, he had managed to turn everybody speechless. This in itself wasn't such a rare phenomenon; it was the desperately checked giggles and sniggers when someone thought that he was out of earshot that was new. At one point, he had ridden an elevator up five levels with three troopers and an officer. Being the superior, they had squashed themselves into the back wall to give him three foot of clear space. Such respect he was used to, it came with the job. But by the time he had stepped out, he had the distinct impression that they were all about to dissolve. At the time he hadn't taken too much notice of the strangeness of it, a migraine and an Emperor roaring at you in your head will leave you distracted, but now that he'd had time to think and Palpatine had resorted to his voice at last, he spotted the discrepancy.
*Were they laughing at me?* he wondered absently. *They wouldn't have dared. Would they have?*
'Are you listening to me?!' Palpatine yelled. 'I want an example made of them! Of their entire planet! I want everything on that ball of rock to be cooked alive and then the whole solar system to be sent into the heart of its sun! I want them annihilated! Destroyed!! Torn from the records and forcibly eradicated!!' The wrinkly old fist slammed into the arm of his throne-like chair several times during this frenzied monologue.
Vader remained stoically silent, as he always did during the Emperors fits of rage.In truth, his silence was partly because, in the back of his mind was the nagging sensation that the red-robed Imperial Guards behind him were silently laughing at him, and partly because he was trying to keep a lid on his own mirth. Various members of his personal medical staff, that lone fist being the only thing he could move without having to make someone get out of the way first, were swamping Palpatine. One was holding a bucket of warm water, one a dry cloth and the rest were attempting to sponge/scrape/dig a green dried-on substance off/out of the skin of the Emperors face. Apparently he had woken up with the stuff on then strode through his rooms and found that someone had rendered his guards unconscious. Vader glanced to where two small disks of pale green, soft vegetable matter with darker green around the circumference were lying where the Emperor had thrown them. He had woken up with them placed over his eyes.
'They are deliberately attacking my authority!' Palpatine ranted on. Vader silently agreed; they'd been attacking their authority since he'd walked into the house back on that Force-forsaken planet.
Finally, the group clustered around the Emperor dispersed and disappeared. Palpatine stayed sitting in the chair, staring darkly at Vader.
*His face wasn't that saggy before, was it?* Vader couldn't held himself from staring at the way Palpatines face seemed to have dropped by about four inches. *And what in all the Sith hells happened to his eyebrows?!*
'They are,' Palpatine began in a quiet, menace-filled voice. 'To be sent back to the miserable planet where they came from. The coordinates are to be sent to every ship in the fleet. That planet is to be rendered into molecules within seventy-two hours. solar system within ninety-four. Do I make myself clear, Vader?'
'Yes Master,' Vader rumbled, bowing. 'It shall be done as you wish.' Palpatine made a gesture, Vader took to hint to leave, and turned to do so.At the door, Palpatine called to him again.
'Yes Master?' Vader asked, turning back. Palpatine had a strange expression on his face, like he didn't know whether to laugh or go spare.
'Why do you wear pink underwear?'
'Master?'
Something in Palpatines expression made him take off his cloak and look at the back.said, in giant bleached letters, "I Wear Pink Underwear. Ask Me Why"
*~*
Aisling looked around the bare rooms of their apartment that she and Beth had lived in for the last few weeks. The troopers, under their supervision, had made a thorough job.
Beth walked out of what was her bedroom and closed the door behind her.
'Guess we'd better go huh?' she said.
'Yeah,' Aisling began, then paused as a loud roar that sounded suspiciously like their names echoed through the Palace and cut off ominously.
'And we'd better go now,' Aisling said in the quiet, after a shocked moment. 'Right now.'
'While we still can kinda thing?' Beth asked, eyeing the door.
'You can put it that way, yes.'They looked at each other, then raced for the door.
*~*
Palpatine looked towards the door as Vader strode in, gripping Aislings left ear in his right fist and Beth right ear in his left. The two were walking on their tiptoes; their heads at odd angles as Vader was pulling them upwards and it was either follow the fist or leave their ears in it.
'Sweet Force Vader!' Aisling snapped as she stumbled and the Dark Lord yanked upwards. 'You're worse than Connie!'
'Here they are Master,' Vader said, ignoring her. He shoved them forwards suddenly and let go.
'Hey,' Beth said, somehow managing to keep her balance. 'How was the face-mask Palpy?'
'Oh.' Aisling looked at the increasingly enraged Emperor. 'So that's why you look so damn ugly in Episode five.'
In between the time when they heard Vader go spare and the time he caught them, they had decided to go for broke. So far it was having the desired results.
'Silence!' Palpatine yelled and shot a bolt of Force-lightening at them. They jumped out of the way.
'Take it easy!' Beth snapped.
'Yeah,' Aisling added. 'Someone might get hurt.'
Vader made a small movement of his hand and both girls' heads rocked forward as if someone had given them a belt.
'Ow!' they cried in unison. 'Vader!'
Palpatine looked at them and made a gesture to the side.
'I take it you have seen our new device,' he said quietly.
'New?' Aisling said, frowning.
Beth, eyes fixed on something, tugged on her sleeve.
'You know all of the Star Wars thingies, right?' she asked, as if distracted.
'Most, why?' She followed her friends pointing hand. 'Oh.'
Right in the centre of the room was a machine made up of two holo-transmitters, one set about eight foot above the other with leads and ribbon-tape running to what was obviously a control panel.
'Know what that is?' Beth asked.
Aisling looked two where troopers were finishing staking their stuff on and around the bottom transmitter.
'No,' she answered truthfully. 'That's new.' She saw what was obviously an add-on piece, a device that was mainly made up of a screen with rows of noughts on it, and got a bad feeling about the whole thing. 'But I could hazard a fair guess.'
'Yeah,' Beth murmured. 'Me too.'
Palpatine waited until they looked suitably full of dread.
'Marvellous isn't it?' he said. 'You say a place and push a button and there you arrive.' He wandered over to it. 'And this little gadget,' he continued, resting a hand on the add-on piece. 'Records the co-ordinates and plots a course automatically.' He strode slowly to them. 'Amazing, what technology can do these days, isn't it?'
They looked at him, the device, each other then back at the device again.
'Fascinating,' Aisling croaked. 'May we have a moment?'
Palpatine smiled coldly and for the first time in a long time, neither girl could think of a thing to say.
'You'll have all the time you need when you get home,' he whispered, dispelling the last shred of doubt. 'Before my fleet arrives.'
'Yay,' Beth said in a shocked voice, then she blinked. 'We'd love the company.'
'Yeah,' Aisling agreed. 'It'll seem so dull back home if you don't drop by for a visit.'
'Oh no, it wont be dull,' Palpatine assured them, but was slightly irritated at the speed with which they recovered. 'I promise you.'
He moved around them and went to where a large chair had been set up. He sat on it regally, arms placed on the sides.
Aisling started giggling, it was the exact pose that Ian MacDiarmid used in Episode Six.
'Been to Endor recently?' she asked innocently.
*She's been in the Classified section again* Vader fumed. They were still living down the scandal from the last time she had done that. Palpatine ignored the remark.
'You are very brave,' he said. 'That is admirable.' He paused ominously. 'But we'll see how brave you are when the full power of the Imperial Fleet is unleashed on your weak pathetic little planet.'
'Oh gee,' Beth said monotonously. 'Another insane megalomaniac intent on destroying the world. Oh my.'
'Not just any world, yours.' Palpatine leaned forward slightly. 'All of your major cities will be razed from orbit, with no warning or reason given.'
'Well if do you give warning,' Aisling commented. 'You'd be slipping, eh Palpy me lad?'
Palpatine nodded slowly.
'I'm so glad you see things my way,' he whispered. 'But it won't stop there, that just wouldn't be fun, would it?' He held their gaze for a moment, then continued on. 'We have developed a new toxin. It is undetectable to any and every test and it coats the very molecules of whatever solvent it is dissolved in so that it is impossible to take out. It lies dormant in the unfortunate who consumed it for a number of hours and then, when it has spread throughout the blood system, turns to acid and burns them from the inside out.' He paused again. 'That substance will be what we will use to poison every drop of water on your world.'
'Was that one done before?' Beth asked, turning to Aisling.
'Of course,' she answered. 'Every day for the past few thousand years, somewhere on Earth water has been deliberately poisoned.'
'Indeed?' Palpatine asked. 'It's such a pity then, that I shall not have the chance to discover what else your world has endured. But it shall not endure the Empire. You see, there will not be one single living thing left within twenty-four hours of our arrival. There will be no troop landings, no survey teams, no specimens collected, no slaves. Everything that originated on your planet will remain on your planet and be annihilated with your planet.'
'Patriotic to the last,' Beth said.
'But of course,' Aisling muttered.
'But we will not stop there,' the Emperor went on. He got up from the chair and walked slowly towards the girls. 'We will then turn our attention to the rest of your solar system.'
'Excuse me,' Aisling interrupted, half-raising a hand. 'But wouldn't it be better to start with the solar system?' Vader and Palpatine stared at her in astonishment. 'You know, blow up the furthest planet then the next one in, then the next one and so on. Best way to really terrify the living shite outta everyone before you're even in the sector.'
'If you're really gonna destroy a planet and solar system you may as well do it properly,' Beth added. 'Otherwise you're just messing about.'
Palpatine looked at them, then smiled slowly in a way that made little slivers of ice tap-dance on their spines.
'Vader,' he said. 'Take them to the machine.'
Vader stepped forward, grabbed girls by the arm and half-dragged them to the machine where he deposited them and stepped back.
Aisling took in the stacked boxes and things in a daze. The engineers had discovered that as long as something was even a micrometer within the matter transmitters field the entire object, or person as the case may be, was taken along for the ride. Hence the reason why most things were spilling out of the field. They had also discovered that if someone was holding onto something with their hand wrapped around it, it was also transmitted. These were but two reasons why everyone not working directly on the matter transmitter was standing at least ten feet away from it. Except for Vader, who was standing a bare half-foot from the very edge of the field.
'Hey Aisling,' Beth muttered not bothering the various languages thing; with Vader and Palpatine around it was pointless. 'Got any plans you'd like to let me in?'
'None,' Aisling lied. She sighed deeply. 'I can't wait to get home!'
'Oh I know,' Beth answered, waiting for the punch line. 'I had a great time here, but now I just wanna go home.' She turned to Vader. 'You guys won't forget about us, will you?'
'Not likely,' Vader said dryly. 'Thanks for the game by the way.'
'No worries,' Beth said. She glared at Aisling. 'I don't need it.'
'Hey, it's not like they have Playstations here,' Aisling pointed out.
'Except for the one Ol' Scuba Gear commandeered.'
'We could have gotten someone to adapt something else,' Beth snarled. Clearly this was an old argument revisited. 'Or build one altogether.'
'Too much like hard work,' Aisling yawned.
'You're just like Marc' *Perfect!* Aisling thought
'God I wish I was him, it's the life sitting around all day. Only I'd like to do it somewhere differant for once'
Beth raised an eyebrow, Aisling hated Marc with a firey passion, then like a brick to the head realisation struck
'Yeah somewhere we've never been, but if these two destroy home it'll never happen. And oh man Sarah will kill me, she won that coke promotion for a trip to Hogwarts. I hope she's already there, although I wanna go'
'Yeah a nice break from the mundane'
'Somewhere that's like a differant world'
The two sighed wistfully.
The head engineer nodded at Palpatine who motioned at Vader. He thankfully picked both of them up with the Force and placed them at the very top of the pile of gear.
'Hey!' Beth cried. 'We could've done it ourselves you know!'
'Just thought I'd do the honours,' Vader replied. He nodded at Palpatine when he was again standing out of the transmitter field who nodded at the head engineer.
'Any last words?' the Emperor asked them. Aisling looked to Beth, who nodded minutely and grinned.
'Until we meet again,' she called. 'Long may your Lang hum.'
'What is your destination?' Beth drew a deep breath.'HOGWARTS!!!'
The engineer pushed the button.
***
Later, when the room had been cleaned up, the debris recycled and the corpses dumped, Vader and Palpatine stood in a room and tried to sort out exactly what happened.
'Beth yelled Hogwarts,' Vader began.
'Then Aisling yelled no,' Palpatine added.
'And leapt forwards to get out of the field…'
'And grabbed a lead…'
'And Beth grabbed her and hauled her back into the field yelling something about a Draco…'
'And then the matter transmitter transmitted…'
'Taking all the stuff, Beth, Aisling…''And that lead…'
'To wherever Hogwarts is…'.
'What did that lead connect to again?'
'The cooling safeguards on the telepathic bit.'
'Ah yes.'
'Which made it overheat…'
'And explode…'
'Which is why there are trooper and engineer corpses clogging up the recycling facilities.'
silence.
'Did we get the co-ordinates?'
'No.'
Reflective silence this time.
'Thank Force.'
*****
Later ight, when Vader finally got to bed after properly dismantling and eradicating the last of the molten pile of slag that used to be the matter transmitter, his eye again fell on the strange parcel.
He picked it up, brought it to a chair and opened it.
Inside the box was a mass of pink. Pink silk. Vader reached in in bafflement and found himself holding up a set of pink silk boxer shorts,then pink thongs, Y fronts and a strange pair of pink leopard skin. The girls had gone all out, Leather underpants, fluffy ones, ones with little animal motifs and smiley faces.
Growling he threw them back in and picked up the lid to slam it back into place. But his eye caught hold of something and he paused.
There was a small wafer attached to the inside of the lid. Beside it was a piece of paper that had 'Play' written on it with an arrow pointing towards the wafer.
Vader took the wafer off, closed the box and crushed it into a tiny square, which he threw into the garbage. The wafer he held in his hand, wondering if he was mad enough to find out what was on it.
*Oh well* he thought, reaching for a datapad. *I've survived this much* He inserted the wafer into the slot in the datapad and waited.
A tinny voice said, 'Is this thing on?' then the picture came through and Vader saw himself looking at Aisling and Beth again.
The date in the corner of the image had the recording at three days before.
'Hey Vader,' Aisling said. 'If you're watching this, that means you've figured out a way of either sending us home or getting rid of us entirely.'
'What the hell did you go and say that for?' Beth hissed at her friend.
'That's what you say at the beginning of these things. Anyway,' Aisling went on, looking back at Vader. 'The reason for this is that we have some things to say and this is to make sure that you hear them.'
'First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, First of all,' Beth took up, reading a list. 'If we've given you Final Fantasy by the time you get this, then you really need to make sure to visit the tutorial, It helps so unbeleivably. When you fight Ifrit, the first G.F, use Shiva, don't change their names it's too confusing. Now when you are on your SeeD exam in Dollet, on top of the communications tower you fight a monster, First off Draw Siren, a new G.F, she casts silence. Then well, may the force be with you. When you get back to Balamb you'll get another mission, Helping Rinoa and the forest owls.' Vader looked blankly at the datapad and realized that he should be taking notes. 'That's not too hard, but the president is a decoy so you'll have to fight. When you get off in Timber, go to the pub and talk to the drunken man, buy him a drink, Reagan. You have no major fight in the T.V. station but Seifer joins Edea the sorceress. Get the train to Galbadia Garden. When you get off the train cross the river and the garden is in the woods by the road. You'll be given a mission there. Oh yeah the lantern you got before your Timber mission, it houses a G.F, Diablos. He's handy for non elemental damage. Right head to Galbadia and go to Caraway's Mansion. You'l be told to go to The tomb of the lost king, In the tomb keep right and you'll fight the brothers, more G.F's. The I.D. was 186 for me, I don't know if it changes.' Aislings eyes were definetly glazed and vader was starting to go the same way. 'When you go back to Galbadia Squall and Irvine will have to rescue Rinoa, when you fight the lizards Edea conjures draw the G.F from them. You'll fight the sorceress and then be arrested. Okay if you escape that your team will head back to Balamb, find the headmaster, he's upstairs I think, but you have to look. When you eventully fight NORG, draw the G.F from him, Leviathan. You'll have to fight in Fisherman's Horizon but you'll find Selphie and the others there.' Vader eyed the lkist in Beths hand and wondered how much mopre there was. 'The School can fly now by the way. You'll go back to Balamb now and fight Fujin and Ragin, draw Pandemonia in the fight, then head to Trabia where you'll find out a load of important stuff. When you leave there you'll find Galbadia Garden and fight the school, If's flying as well. In Galbadia Garden you'll be able to get Cereubus, a G.F and when you fight Edea draw Alexander. Then go to Edea's house and there'll be a big talk. And well that's how far I got before we came here. Also you'll have to play dream sequences, there confusing but short. Well enjoy the game.' There was silence for a moment as Aisling woke back up again and it dawned on Vader that Beth had just given him a mine of information.
'Second,' Aisling said, when she was coherent enough to continue. 'I don't know if you know this yet, even though you should by now.'
'Oh so now you're telling a Sith Lord his job?' Beth commented. Aisling swatted absentmindedly at her.
'No, but he finds out about two months after the Battle of Yavin and it's been nearly that now. So I'll tell you,' she went on turning back to the cam.
'Are you sure it hasn't been longer?' Beth asked, perplexed.
'I'm sure, it's been seven weeks since he showed up at my uncles place and that was no more than two days after the Battle of Yavin. I checked the logs.'
'When was the Battle of Yavin again?'
'When the Rebels blew up the Death Star as it orbited Yavin. Or more correctly,' she said, looking at the cam again.
'One Rebel blew up the Death Star.' Vader leaned closer, was she going to tell him what he thought she was going to tell him?
'Are you sure it's only been seven weeks? It seems longer.'
'Yes I know but it's been seven weeks. Now…'
'Are you sure?'
'Beth!'
'Alright, alright I'll shut up and let you spill the beans.'
'Bloody finally.' Aisling rolled her eyes and seemed to look Vader in the eye. 'After all that, drama seems a bit much, eh?' She smiled. 'So I'll tell you straight out.'
She paused and Vader wanted to throttle her for the delay. 'The name of the pilot who blew up the Death Star is Luke Skywalker.'
Vader stared at the datapad in stunned shock. He couldn't believe his ears. Could it be true?
'Yeah that's gotta be a kick in the teeth,' Beth was saying. 'Finding out that the son you didn't even know you had by a woman you thought was dead for twenty years grew up on a planet you haven't gone back to for twenty-five years then went behind your back to join an organization you've been trying to eradicate for some five to ten years. Some news to take huh?' She turned to Aisling. 'And you shagged him.'
\Aisling said nothing to this, just stared at out of the screen as if she was really watching the Sith Lord come to grips with the information that he now had a son who was a Rebel.
'You're probably wondering how we know he's your son,' she said after a while.
Vader looked at the image *How do they know my old name?!* he wondered.
'Anakin.'
'Ooh, can I say it?' Beth asked her friend, who nodded. 'Yay!' She came over all serious and stared at the cam and into the Sith eyes. 'We know who you are, Anakin Skywalker.' She giggled.
'Twenty six, by the way,' Aisling said. 'He hasn't gone back to Tatooine in twenty-six years, unless he does in Episode Three. And he thinks Padme has been dead for about eighteen or nineteen years.'
'How do you know that?'
*How the HELL does she know THAT?!*
'Luke is eighteen,' she replied with a shrug. 'If it was twenty years, he wouldn't be his son, would he now?'
'What was the next thing we had to say?' Beth asked, looking down at the list again. 'I think we may have become sidetracked.'
'Something about Padme wasn't it?' Aisling glanced at the list. 'Oh yeah, right.' She looked back up at the cam. 'Padme isn't dead.'
'She isn't, dead?' Vader whispered.
'The Emperor told you that she had been killed by the Rebels, yes? Showed you a body?' Aisling shook her head, grinning slyly. 'Modified genes and appearance. That was one of her handmaidens who got caught in the crossfire. Palpatine altered the DNA samples and gave her the wrong name.'
'She isn't dead?!'
'She escaped the fight and went into hiding on Nkllon, or in Nkllon rather,' she corrected. 'That whole business of u-v light intensity, remember?'
'She isn't dead,' Vader ground out.
'She hid there until,' there was a slight skip, which Vader, in his distraction, didn't even notice.
'Luke was born and then went from planet to planet.' She looked straight at the cam and Vader had the eerie sensation that she really could see him. 'Where she is, I will not tell you and I've wiped the records that told me.' She smiled coldly. 'We've told you enough.'
'You just carry on as normal,' Beth said, a small smirk curling her lips. 'Just remember what Palpy did and you'll get on fine.'
'The last thing we have to tell you,' Aisling said, her voice brisk and professional. Like she didn't just turn his entire existence for the last twenty years upside down. 'Is that things will work out. You'll get your revenge and your son.'
'And just a little bit more than you bargain for besides,' Beth giggled.
'Just be your usual Sithly self.' Aisling laughed. 'And things will be fine.'
'Don't forget us,' Beth said, waving goodbye. 'We wont forget you.'
'Bye Ani,' Aisling murmured and reached up.
The image went into fuzz as the recording ended.
Vader watched it in a shocked daze for a few moments before switching it off. There was silence for a few moments.the datapad flew through the air- after carefully removing the wafer of course- and smashed into the wall.
Vader got up and stormed out of the apartment.
He had things to do.
THE END………………………………………
okay, here is where you put away the tissues, dry your eyes, cease the tantrums and read carefully. It has to do with the sequel. Yes I admit it! There IS a sequel! But I'm not writing it, Jay-Cee and a friend of ours are, so review and all that to her not me! She's got about three chapters done now cos of this chappie going up so late so there shouldnt be any delay. It's called, "Two Lunatics in Hogwarts" and will be under Jay-Cee in the Harry Potter section, obv! Original name huh? *smirk* Warning however, Jay-cee and Sarah when they get together are ten times as bonkers as I am and they dont bother censoring, ANYTHING!! (warning they smoke curse and drink, a lot.)
Well, this is it, Two Lunatics and Sith Lord is finished!
*looks dazed* what will I do with my time now?!
bye!!