LOVE
December 5, 1995
This might be borderline NC-17, but you'll just have to deal because it's important.
LEONARDO:
I pull her close to me and she buries her face in my neck as we sink into the folds of the blankets. "We shouldn't be doing this," she moans.
"I can't wait anymore," I whisper back, burying my fingers in her hair.
I lay on my back with her on top of me and kiss her neck. "I love you, Anna," I whisper, kissing her earlobes. She moans slightly and sits up. Her shirt falls off her shoulders and I feel my insides twist in immediate, painful desire as she presses her palms to my chest. She smiles, and leans back down to kiss me.
***
A bright light was shining in my eyes. Even though they were closed, I could feel it sting. I turned away, but knew I was already awake. The dream was gone, as much as I wished it weren't. I bit back a scream of frustration, and buried my face in the pillow underneath my head. I cringed at the discomfort from the biggest hard-on of my life, but didn't allow it to drop between my legs. Still half asleep, I wasn't sure where I was, but I knew I wasn't in my own bed.
I opened my eyes slowly and stared at the back of the couch. Why was I out here? I must've accidently fallen asleep here. There was a voice coming from somewhere. It was Mike, but it was far away. I glanced at the clock. Midnight. I sat up, still hard as a rock and plenty frustrated, and looked over the back of the couch. Michaelangelo was on the phone. I could hear him laughing. Why did he have to be so loud? And who was he talking to at 12:00 at night, anyways?
Facing the back of the couch and sure that I was alone, I figured I was safe. I allowed my erection out from under my plastron and breathed deep, closing my eyes as I took it in my hand. I instinctively wanted to bring back the sweet agony of the dream, of the waiting, of the light, feathered touches that made me shiver. But the images were too elusive to recreate with any degree of clarity, and I wanted to scream that it wasn't fair.
Knock it off, Leo, I warned myself. You're not even in your own bed. It's not a good idea to make a mess all over the couch.
I wanted to scream. What was wrong with me? I felt like I was twelve-years-old again. My body craved release, but I pushed the desire aside. Not now. This wasn't the time or place. I lay still for a few minutes, trying to calm the instinctive urges. The arousal didn't fade though, and I wondered if this was some new form of torture one of our enemies had discovered. Maybe someone had sprinkled me with fairy dust and made me fall in love knowing I would never get satisfaction. I gave serious thought to shredding the pillow beneath me, but I found my sanity in time and knew it wouldn't help. Damn it, I hated feeling this way!
I couldn't get the dream out of my mind. Maybe I should call her... I pushed the thought aside. For one thing, she didn't have a phone. For another, she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her up. Besides, what would I say? "Oh, yeah, I just had this dream about having sex with you." Right. That would go over real well.
God, I missed her. Four days, and it felt like I hadn't seen her in ages. I was dreaming about her, for Christ's sake! I waited silently for the erection to subside. This was rediculous. And it wasn't the first time, either. I sincerely doubted it would be the last. How long was I going to let this go on before I did something about it?
Something like what, Leo? I answered myself. What are you going to do?
I had to tell her.
Tell her what? That you're in love with her?
I let those words sink in for a minute. Yes, I was in love with her. At least I thought I was. I'd never been in love before, so I wasn't sure what to compare it to.
Mike's door opened again. I pulled my erection back into my shell and sat up. "Oh, hey Leo," he greeted. "Did I wake you up?"
I glared at him briefly. "I'll take that as a yes," he concluded. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it," I mumbled. He turned away and I put my feet on the floor as he disappeared for a minute. I hid my face in my hands. I had to stop this if I ever wanted to get a full night's sleep again.
SPLINTER:
Leonardo was sitting in the living room, not meditating, but staring intently at the blank TV screen. I watched him for a moment, as Michaelagnelo walked back into the room. "Helps if you turn it on, bro," he suggested.
Leonardo snapped out of his trance and acknowledged his brother. Neither one of them saw me. Michaelangelo paused on his way to his room, from the kitchen. "You okay, Leo?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Somethin' botherin' you?"
Leonardo sighed. "No, I'm just... thinking. I'm alright."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
Michaelangelo did not press the issue further. "Kinda late isn't it? I mean, it's almost midnight. Aren't you usually asleep by now?"
Leonardo sighed. "Yeah."
Michaelangelo paused a moment to wait for an explanation, then looked away. "Well, I'm goin' to bed. G'night."
"Night."
Michaelangelo left the room. Presuming he was now alone, Leonardo sank back into the sofa and closed his eyes. His hand raised and rested against his forehead. "What's happening to me?" he whispered to himself.
His words concerned me, and I stepped forward, out of my room. "Leonardo?"
He sat up quickly. "Master," he greeted hastily. "I didn't see you."
I smiled. "I assumed as much."
He studied me for a moment. "How long have you been watching me?" he questioned nervously.
I sat down in a nearby chair. "I have been watching you for more than sixteen years," I answered, "and I have never seen you look more distraught than you now do."
He looked away. "It's late, Sensei," he reminded me. "You should be in bed."
"What troubles you, my student?"
He hung his head. "I don't know."
I studied him carefully. It was not like Leonardo to avoid my questions. He sighed. "I mean, I know, but I don't know why it bothers me so much," he corrected.
"What bothers you?"
He was quiet for a long time, as he always was when he confided something in me which he did not want his brothers to know. "It's... Anna."
"What about her?" I questioned, interested.
"I just... I think..." He sighed without finishing. "It's nothing."
I could not help but smile at his obvious frustration in dealing for the first time with emotions more powerful than himself. "Why are you so greatly troubled, Leonardo?" I questioned.
"Because!" he cried, standing up. "It's not..." He began pacing, his head down. "Sensei, we're not even the same...!"
His voice cut out as our eyes met. "Perhaps you and Anna are more alike than you think," I suggested. I knew exactly what the problem was, although he could not put it into words.
He dropped to his knees at my feet. "I can't control this Sensei, and it scares me."
I nodded slowly. Now he realized the true heart of the matter. "You do not like to relinquish control over your life," I agreed.
"I can control what I do, but I can't stop feeling this way! I'm even dreaming about her!"
"Why does it trouble you so much, Leonardo?" I asked. "Why do you fight against that which is perfectly natural for you to feel?"
"Because it's a distraction and..."
He bowed his head, stopping before he finished his thought. "And what?" I prodded.
He sighed deeply. "And a frustration. And that's all it'll ever be."
"Why do you say that?"
He raised his eyes slowly. "My whole life I've never allowed myself to look at things that I can't have. Because of who I am and what I am. But now I can't help it. Because every time I close my eyes, she's there."
I studied him for a moment, reading the pain in his eyes. "Perhaps the question of whether or not she is unattainable should be hers to answer, Leonardo. Not yours."
His eyes fell again. "I don't know what to do."
"If, in fact, you need do anything at all," I corrected.
He remained still and silent. I sighed. "My advice is that you talk to her, Leonardo," I whispered. "But it is your decision. It is your life. And Leonardo..." He looked up reluctantly and I smiled at him. "Know that whatever happens, you will always have my support."
He sighed and for a moment, it was silent. Then he stood and swept his weapons off the floor. "I'm going out," he informed.
"Where are you going?" I asked, slightly concerned.
He strapped his weapons to his body. "I need to think," he answered. "And I just need... a change of scenery."
I considered that for a moment, and watched as he tightened his headband. "Be careful," I pleaded.
"I will, Master."